Dear Therapist: When I Bring Up Anything Serious, My Boyfriend Falls Apart

Editor’s Note: Every Monday, Lori Gottlieb answers questions from readers about their problems, big and small. Have a question? Email her at dear.therapist@theatlantic.com.

Dear Therapist,

I have an ongoing issue with my partner of seven years. If I ever bring up a “serious” topic, he won’t just resist talking about it, but have something bordering on a panic attack before shutting down completely. He’ll then need to detox for hours by being alone before he’s good to talk about anything again, even minor things like what’s for dinner.

By “serious” things I mean long-term financial planning, whether he wants kids, his plans related to school and career, what would happen if one of us dies. (We aren’t married.)

I’ve tried broaching these topics in a variety of ways. Casually. Sternly. Trying to approach it like a negotiation. I’ve never actually