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    The World's Dumbest Criminals
    The World's Dumbest Criminals
    The World's Dumbest Criminals
    Ebook196 pages1 hour

    The World's Dumbest Criminals

    By Daniel Butler and Alan Ray

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    About this ebook

    First came the New York Times bestseller America's Dumbest Criminals™, then there were more amazing tales of stupid but true crimes in Wanted! Dumb or Alive. In this book, hilarious criminal cluelessness is uncovered on every continent in one hundred new stories.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherThomas Nelson
    Release dateJul 13, 1997
    ISBN9781418567330
    The World's Dumbest Criminals

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    • 1/5
      It was horrible. I thought I was going to die. Don’t read this book. Seriously!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Book preview

    The World's Dumbest Criminals - Daniel Butler

    The World’s

    DUMBEST

    CRIMINALS

    The World’s

    DUMBEST

    CRIMINALS

    Based on true stories from law enforcement officials around the world

    DANIEL BUTLER AND ALAN RAY

    Illustrations by Mike Harris

    5405-Worlds_Dumbest_0003_001

    Copyright © 1997 by Minor Miracle Enterprises, L.L.C.

    All rights reserved. Written permission must be secured from the publisher to use or reproduce any part of this book, except for brief quotations in critical reviews and articles.

    The authors have taken great caution to protect the identity of persons depicted in this book. While the crimes depicted are true, the names and gender of the criminals depicted, and some details of the crimes portrayed, may have been changed to safeguard those identities.

    Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Rutledge Hill Press, 211 Seventh Avenue North, Nashville, Tennessee 37219.

    Distributed in Canada by H. B. Fenn & Company, Ltd., 34 Nixon Road, Bolton, Ontario L7E 1W2.

    Distributed in Australia by the Five Mile Press Pty., 22 Summit Road, Noble Park, Victoria 3174.

    Distributed in New Zealand by Tandem Press, 2 Rugby Road, Birkenhead, Auckland 10.

    Distributed in the United Kingdom by Verulam Publishing, Ltd., 152a Park Street Lane, Park Street, St. Albans, Hertfordshire AL2 2AU.

    Typography by E. T. Lowe

    Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

    Butler, Daniel R., 1951–

       The world’s dumbest criminals / Daniel Butler and Alan Ray : illustrations by Mike Harris.

          p. cm.

       ISBN 1-55853-541-1

       1. Crime—Case studies. 2. Criminals—Case studies. 3. Crime--Humor. I. Alan, Ray. II. Title.

    HV6251.B87 1997

    364.1'092'273—dc21

    97-30695

    CIP

    Printed in the United States of America

    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9—00 99 98 97

    Table of Contents

    Introduction

    1. Spain: Tito’s Last Grab

    2. New Zealand: Self-Portrait of a Dumb Criminal

    3. Canada: The Stooges Go North, Eh?

    4. Hungary: Spring Is in the Air

    5. Australia: For the Freshest Breath Possible

    6. British Virgin Islands: Breaking and Entering and Floating

    7. America: Don’t You Hate It When That Happens?

    8. England: Is That You?

    9. Germany: A Washout of a Robbery

    10. Canada: The Dumbest Slow-Motion Crash in Canadian History

    11. Puerto Rico: A Flare for Smuggling

    12. America: Who You Gonna Call?

    13. Colombia: Double Steal

    14. Belgium: Honesty Is the Best Policy

    15. Australia: Hot Dip Pursuit

    16. Canada: The Safety-First Elf

    17. Ireland: Tinted and Towed

    18. Syria: My Karma Ran over My Dogma

    19. America: The World’s Fastest Cop

    20. Canada: The ‘Mail the Mail’ Man

    21. Switzerland: The Great Train Robbery

    22. America: Stickin’ to the Job

    23. Canada: Not My Brother-in-Law-to-Be’s Keeper

    24. Japan: Teacher’s Pet

    25. Germany: Don’t Leave the Crime Scene without It

    26. Peru: Calling All Car

    27. Italy: Grind This, Pal

    28. America: Present Company Excluded

    29. Australia: Nip Nap Sap

    30. Canada: The Thinking Fellow Calls a Yellow

    31. China: A Fistful of Yen

    32. America: The Magic Answer Sheet

    33. Germany: Chauffeur Driven, with Locked-in Freshness

    34. Australia: I Light Up My Life

    35. Italy: That’s a Spiceeeeeey ‘Meatball’

    36. Canada: Three Strikes, and They’re Out

    37. America: No, Honest!

    38. Hong Kong: Set Your Goals High

    39. Australia: Flip-Flop Cop

    40. Germany: Halle’s Bomb-It

    41. America: Jag Drag

    42. Thailand: The Big-Bag Theory

    43. Canada: The United Nations of Crime

    44. England: Just His Bad Puck

    45. Italy: Wishful Thinking

    46. Germany: On a Kaiser Roll

    47. America: A G-Man-Style Takedown

    48. Canada: Let the Games Begin!

    49. Albania: Flight to Freedom

    50. Australia: Fashion Victim

    51. Thailand: They Didn’t Get Clean Away

    52. France: Jean-Claude ‘Damn Van’

    53. Canada: Mission Improbable

    54. America: Serves You Right

    55. Germany: Easy Come, Easy Go

    56. Syria: The Three Un-Wise Men

    57. Ireland: An Irish Tale

    58. Canada: Ouch, I’ve Arrested Myself

    59. The Netherlands: Choo-Choo Boo-Boo

    60. America: Kick Me, Wash Me, Pay Me

    61. Argentina: Go Ahead, You Can Cry for Me, Argentina

    62. Australia: The No-Tell Motel Telltale Tale

    63. England: Will the Next Dumb Criminal Sign In, Please?

    64. Spain: The Accent Is on You

    65. Germany: With One Hand Tied Behind My Back

    66. America: Right Is Right

    67. Austria: A Clean Getaway

    68. Canada: Coming Attractions

    69. England: Ash Kicker

    70. Colombia: Never Go to Court without It

    71. America: Attack of the Fifty-Foot Idiot

    72. Australia: Arrest Report Fettucine

    73. America: The Titanic Coupe De Ville

    74. Germany: Read Between the Lines

    75. England: But, Mom, You Said I Needed to Show Initiative!

    76. Australia: Usin’ Your ’Ead

    77. America: Pride Goeth Before the Brain

    78. Canada: The Early Bird Gets Nothing but the Worm

    79. Dem. rep. of the Congo: Safer than Cash

    80. Spain: The Running of the Fools

    81. Australia: Free Mow, No Tow

    82. America: Plastic Dummy

    83. England: Married, with Problems

    84. France: Snob Appeal

    85. Canada: Party Pooper

    86. America: Out of the Woods

    87. Australia: A Woman and Her Purse

    88. England: Be Careful What You Invent

    89. Mexico: Adios, Amigo

    90. Germany: A Hansel and (Burp) Gretel Story

    91. Italy: Pickpocket Panic

    92. America: Welcome to the Waltons

    93. United Kingdom: I Scream, You Scream

    94. Japan: Peekaboo, We Saw You!

    95. England: A L’il Chef Will Do Ya

    96. Canada: Stage Fright

    97. America: The Un-Love Bug

    98. England: revirD cixelsyD eraweB

    99. Kenya: Dope on a Rope

    100. Canada: You Want Some Fries with That?

    Authors’ bios

    To our little ones: Max, Jake, and Baby X (due in February); and John, Sarah, and John Austin (due in January).

    And to our wives, Susie and Karen.

    We love you.

    Acknowledgments

    A special thank-you to Robin Howarth, Carl Meisner, the International Police Association, Larry Rose; and to all the officers who have written, e-mailed, faxed, and called.

    Introduction

    5405-Worlds_Dumbest_0011_001

    Alan and I have visited motels, cop stations, radio stations, and F.O.P. lodges across America, along the way continually hearing about new and excruciatingly dumb attempts at crime. Now, by Internet, telephone, fax, and mail, we have been around the world and back again. Through it all we have learned a lot and laughed even more.

    In doing the research for this book, we proved three things:

    First: Dumb crime is not just an American phenomenon. It is a universal problem. Dumb criminals are the same the world over, and they make the same mistakes in every culture and kingdom. Their first mistake is always thinking they can get away with it.

    Second: Every nation in the world is full of good cops with a great sense of humor. They have to find humor whenever and wherever they can. That’s because they have to put up with horrible lies, stupid excuses, and just plain dumb people. Such is the daily lot of cops everywhere. Fortunately, almost all of them have learned to grin and bear it.

    Third: There is no right way to do a wrong thing. Regardless of one’s nationality or his home’s longitude or latitude, wrong is right is a universal misconception. A Frenchman has no more chance of committing the perfect crime than a Bolivian.

    Perhaps American films and television have sold the idea that there is such a thing as the perfect crime. There isn’t. This idea of getting something for nothing predates the media and the absurdity of believing in the perfect crime knows no boundaries. That said, keep turning the pages and have some good laughs on the bad guys. Rest assured that readers all over the world will commiserate with you and laugh along right along.

    —Daniel Butler

    The World’s

    DUMBEST

    CRIMINALS

    WARNING:

    THE CRIMES YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ ARE TRUE. THE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED … TO PROTECT THE IGNORANT.

    1

    Tito’s Last Grab

    (Spain)

    A smash-and-grab artist practices the world’s third- or fourth-oldest profession. Ever since merchants began displaying their wares in marketplaces, skilled thieves have executed this lightning-fast form of larceny. With choreographed precision, the smash-and-grab professional will throw a heavy object through a shop’s glass window, dodge the flying glass, scoop up all the merchandise he can carry, then sprint for sanctuary—all in less than fifteen seconds.

    But times are hard for today’s smash-and-grab artists, with Plexiglas and unbreakable windows standing up to their quick assaults and merchants becoming more savvy in what they display and when and where they display it. This selective display strategy made for an interesting robbery in Barcelona, reported to us by retired officer Alfredo Diaz.

    We’ll call our dumb Spanish criminal Tito the Bandito, or the Barcelona Bungler. Having watched Tito grow up, Officer Diaz couldn’t help thinking that our bandito had wasted his great gifts of speed, good hands, and fearlessness. Tito had all the qualities of a great bullfighter, but, instead, he chose a life of easy, ill-gotten gains. Since the age of twelve Tito had been successful at perfecting the smash–and–grab, and he had never been caught. He was something of a legend to the other criminals in the city, but a thorn in Officer Diaz’s side.

    Tito just could not resist a lovely display of jewels, watches, or silverware;

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