Jonathan and His Continent Rambles Through American Society

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Title: Jonathan and His Continent

Rambles Through American Society

Author: Max O'Rell

Jack Allyn

Translator: Madame Paul Blouët

Release Date: December 16, 2010 [EBook #34679]

Language: English

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JONATHAN AND HIS

CONTINENT

RAMBLES THROUGH AMERICAN SOCIETY

BY

MAX O'RELL

AUTHOR OF

JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND, FRIEND MAC DONALD, ETC

AND

JACK ALLYN

TRANSLATED BY

MADAME PAUL BLOUËT

BRISTOL

J. W. Arrowsmith, 11 Quay Street

LONDON

Simpkin, Marshall & Co., 4 Stationers' Hall Court

1889

All rights reserved

TO JONATHAN.

You have often asked me to write my impressions of America and the Americans, and your newspapers have been good enough to suggest Jonathan and his Continent as a title for the book.

The title is good, and I accept it.

As for the book, since you wish it, here it is. But I must warn you that if ever you should fancy you see in this little volume a deep study of your great country and of your amiable compatriots, your worldwide reputation for humour would be exploded.

However, as my collaborator, Jack Allyn, is an American citizen, some at least of the statements here set down regarding Jonathan ought to have weight and authority.

CONTENTS.

Chapter I.—Population of America.—An Anecdote about the Sun.—Where is the Centre of America?—Jonathan cannot get over it, nor can I.—America, the Land of Conjuring.—A Letter from Jonathan decides me to set out for the United States.

Chapter II.—Jonathan and his Critics.—An eminent American gives me Salutary Advice.—Travelling Impressions.—Why Jonathan does not love John Bull.

Chapter III.—Characteristic Traits.—A Gentleman and a Cad.—Different Ways of Discussing the Merits of a Sermon.—Contradictions and Contrasts.—Sacred and Profane.—Players of Poker on Board Ship.—A Meek and Humble Follower of Jesus.—The Open Sesame of New York, Boston, and Philadelphia.—The Childish Side of American Character.—The Three Questions Jonathan puts to every Foreigner who lands in America.—Preconceived Notions.—Request of an American Journalist.—Why the English and the French do not put Questions in their Countries to the Foreigner who visits them.

Chapter IV.—Types.—Manly Beauty.—The Indian Type.—Second Beauty in the Women of the New World.—Something Wanting in the Beauty of Most American Women.

Chapter V.—All that Glitters is not Gold, especially in America.—The Dollar is the Unity of the Metrical System.—Jonathan is Matter-of-fact.—How he Judges Man.—The Kind of Baits that Take.—Talent without Money is a Useless Tool.—Boston and Kansas.

Chapter VI.—Diamonds.—How Diamonds are Won and Lost in Tripping.—The Sweat of Jonathan's brow crystallized in his Wife's Ears.—Avarice is a vice little known in America.—Jonathan is not the Slave of the Almighty Dollar to the Extent that he is believed to be.

Chapter VII.—Notes on the great American Cities.—New York.—Boston.—A Visit to Oliver Wendell Holmes.—Washington.—Mount Vernon.—Philadelphia.—Chicago.—Rivalry between these Cities.—Jokes they indulge in at each other's Expense.

Chapter VIII.—American Houses.—Furniture.—Luxury.—The Clubs.—An Evening at the Authors' Club.—An Eyesore.—A Wonderful Shot.—Bang, right in the Bull's-eye!

Chapter IX.—Society Jottings.—Blue Blood in the United States.—Fashionable Society.—Plutocracy.—Parvenus and Arrivés.—Literary and Artistic Society.—Provincialism.—All the Americans have two Family Names.—Colonels and Judges.—American Hospitality.—Terrapin and Raw Duck.

Chapter X.—Millionaires.—A List of the Great American Fortunes.—The Stock Exchange.—A Billionaire's House.—Benevolent Acts.—A Democracy Ruled by many Kings.

Chapter XI.—The American Girl.—Her Liberty.—Her Manners.—Respect for Woman.—Youthful Reminiscences.—Flirtation Perfected.—The Boston.—Why the Young American Lady does not Object to the Society of Men.—European Coats of Arms Regilt and Redeemed from Pawn.—Americans of the Faubourg Saint Germain.—Lady Randolph Churchill.—Mating of May and December.—Stale Theme of American Plays.—An Angel.—The Tell-tale Collodion.—The Heroine of L'Abbé Constantin.—What American Girls Admire in a Man.

Chapter XII.—The Emancipation of Woman.—Extinction of Man.—War against Beards.—Ladies Purifying the Streets of New York.—The Ladies Go it Alone, and have a Good Time.

Chapter XIII.—Prudery.—Shocking Expressions.—Transformation of the Vocabulary.—War on Nudities.—The Venus of Milo does not Escape the Wrath of the Puritans.—Mr. Anthony Comstock in Chief Command.—New England Prudes.—Tattling or Calumny?

Chapter XIV.—John Bull's Cousin German.—A Salutary Lesson.—Women's Vengeance.—A Battle with Rotten Eggs.—An Unsavoury Omelette.—Tarring and Feathering.—Description of the Operation.—An Awkward Quarter-of-an-hour.—Vengeance of a Ladies' School.—A Town Council of Women.—Woman's Standing in the States.—Story of a Widow and her Two Daughters.

Chapter XV.—Dress.—My Light-Grey Trousers create a Sensation in a Pennsylvanian Town.—Women's Dress.—Style and Distinction.—Bonnets fit to Frighten a Choctaw.—Dress at the Theatre.—Ball Toilettes.—Draw a Veil over the Past, Ladies.—The Frogs and the Oxen.—Interest and Capital.—Dogs with Gold-filled Teeth.—Vulgarity.

Chapter XVI.—High Class Humour.—Mr. Chauncey Depew and General Horace Porter.—Corneille had no Humour.—A Woman sans père et sans proche.—Mark Twain.

Chapter XVII.—Boisterous Humour and Horseplay Wit.—A Dinner at the Clover Club of Philadelphia.—Other Gridiron Clubs.

Chapter XVIII.—Western and Eastern Wit.—Two Anecdotes in the way of Illustration.

Chapter XIX.—Journalism.—Prodigious Enterprises.—Startling Headlines.—Jerked to Jesus.—Mrs. Carter finds Fault with her Husband's Kisses.—Jacob's Ladder.—Sensational News.—How a Journalist became Known.—Gossip.—The Murderer and the Reporters.—Detective Journalists.—The Devil Dodged.—Ten Minutes' Stoppage in Purgatory.—French, English, and American Journalists.—A Visit to the Great Newspaper Offices.—Sunday Papers.—Country Papers.—Wonderful Eye-ticklers.—Polemics.—Pulitzer and Dana.—Comic and Society Papers.—The Detroit Free Press and the Omaha World.—American Reviews.

Chapter XX.—Reporting.—For the American Reporter Nothing is Sacred.—Demolition of the Wall of Private Life.—Does your Husband Snore?—St. Anthony and the Reporters.—I am Interviewed.—My Manager drops Asleep over it.—The Interview in Print.—The President of the United States and the Reporters.—I am the Interviewer.

Chapter XXI.—Literature in the United States.—Poets.—Novelists.—Essayists.—Critics—Historians.—Humorists.—Journalists.—Writers for the Young.—Future of American Literature.

Chapter XXII.—The Stage in the United States.—The Stars.—French Plays.—Mr. Augustin Daly's Company.—The American Public.—The Theatres.—Detailed Programmes.—A Regrettable Omission.

Chapter XXIII.—The Religion of the Americans.—Religious Sects.—Why Jonathan Goes to Church.—Walk in, Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the Place to be Saved and Happy.—Irresistible Invitations.—The Esoterists.—Why Die when Immortality is Attainable?—The Recipe.—Faith Cure.—A Highly-recommended Book.—Seventh Day Hypocrisy.—To Choose Goods is not to Buy Them.—Great Scott!—Religion and Republicanism Live Happily together in America.

Chapter XXIV.—Colonel Ingersoll's Ideas.—The Man.—His Life.—His Works.—A Minister declines to take his Place either in this World or the Next.

Chapter XXV.—Justice.—Comparison Favourable to America.—Judicial Procedure.—The Accused was Paid Cash.—A Criminal Hunt.—The Juries and their Powers.—Slow Dealings of American Justice.—False Philanthropy.—Twelve or Sixteen Minutes at the Wrong End of a Rope.—A Savage Club Anecdote.

Chapter XXVI.—Lynch Law.—Hanged, Burned, and Shot.—The Gaolers do not Answer for their Boarders.—The Humours of Lynching.

Chapter XXVII.—A Word on Marriage and Divorce.—Scenes for an Opera-Bouffe.—An Amateur Dentist.

Chapter XXVIII.—Mr. Grover Cleveland, President of the United States.—A Public Reception at the White House.—A Private Audience.—Why a Yankee Refrained from Accompanying Me.—What the President Costs the Nation.—Mrs. Cleveland.—Her Popularity.—Life at the White House.

Chapter XXIX.—Politics.—Parties.—The Gentleman and the Politician.—Honest John and Jolly Roger.—The Irish in America.—Why the Americans are in favour of Home Rule.—The Mayor of New York and the Green Flag.—The German Yankees.—The American Constitution and the President.—Executive and Legislative Powers.—England is a Freer Country than America.—The Elections.—An Anecdote of M. Jules Grévy.

Chapter XXX.—The Ordinary American.—His Voice, his Habits, his Conversation.—He Murders his Language and your Ears.—Do not judge him too quickly.

Chapter XXXI.—American Activity.—Expression of the Faces.—Press the Button, S.V.P.—Marketing in the House.—Magic Tables.—The Digestive Apparatus in Danger.—Gentlemen of Leisure.—Labour Laws.—A Six Days' Journey to go to a Banquet.—My Manager cuts out Work for Me.—A Journalist on a Journey.—Don't wait dinner, am off to Europe.

Chapter XXXII.—The XIXth Century Club.—Intellectual Activity.—Literary Evenings.—Light Everywhere.

Chapter XXXIII.—Climate Incites Jonathan to Activity.—Healthy Cold.—Why Drunkenness is Rare in America.—Do not Lose Sight of your Nose.—Advice to the Foreigner intending to Visit Jonathan in the Winter.—Visit to the Falls of Niagara.—Turkish Baths offered Gratis by Nature.

Chapter XXXIV.—Jonathan's Eccentricities.—The Arc de Triomphe not being Hirable, an American proposes to Buy it.—The Town Council of Paris do not Close with Him.—Cathedrals on Hire.—Companies Insuring against Matrimonial Infidelity.—Harmony Association.—Burial of a Leg.—Last Will and Testament of an American who Means to be Absent on the Day of Judgment.

Chapter XXXV.—Advertisements.—Marvellous Puffs.—Illustrated Ditto.—A Yankee on the Look-out for a Living,—Her Heart and a Cottage.—A Circus Proprietor and the President of the United States.—Irresistible Offers of Marriage.—A Journalist of all Work.—Wanted, a Frenchwoman, Young, Pretty, and Cheerful.—Nerve-calming Syrup.—Doctors on the Road.—An Advocate Recommends Himself to Light-fingered Gentlemen.—Mr. Phineas Barnum, the King of Showmen.—Nothing is sacred in the Eyes of Phineas, the Modern Phoenix.—My Manager Regrets not being able to Engage Mr. Gladstone and Lord Randolph Churchill for Platform Work in the United States.

Chapter XXXVI.—Railways.—Vestibule Trains.—Hotels on Wheels.—Windows and Ventilators, and their Uses.—Pitiless Firemen.—Conductors and their Functions.—A Traveller's Perplexity.—Rudeness of Railway Servants.—The Actress and the Conductor.—An Inquisitive Traveller.—A Negro in a Flourishing Way.—Commerce on board the Cars.—Apples, Oranges, Bananas!—The Negro Compartment.—Change of Toilette.—Mind your own business.

Chapter XXXVII.—Jonathan's Domestics.—Reduced Duchesses.—Queer Ideas of Equality.—Unchivalrous Man.—The Ladies of the Feather-broom.—Mr. Vanderbilt's Cook.—Negroes.—Pompey's Wedding.—Where is my Coat?—Kitchen Pianists.—Punch's Caricatures Outdone by Reality.—A Lady seeks a Situation as Dishwasher.—Why it is Desirable not to Part with your Servants on Bad Terms.

Chapter XXXVIII.—Jonathan's Table.—Danger of Steel Knives.—The Americans are Water-drinkers.—I Discover a Snake in my Tumbler.—The Negro Waiter Comforts Me.—Accommodation for Travellers.—The Menu.—Abbreviated Dinner.—The Little Oval Dishes.—Turkey and Cranberry Sauce.—A not very Tempting Dish.—Consolation of Knowing that the Waitresses are well cared for.—Something to Eat, for Heaven's Sake!—Humble Apologies to Mine Host.

Chapter XXXIX.—How the Americans take their Holidays.—The Hotel is their Mecca.—Mammoth Hotels.—Jacksonville and St. Augustine.—The Ponce de Leon Hotel.—Rocking-chairs.—Having a Good Time!—The American is never Bored.—The Food is not very Salt, but the Bill is very Stiff.—The Negroes of the South.—Prodigious Memories.—More Duchesses.—The Negresses.—I Insult a Woman.

Chapter XL.—The Value of the Dollar.—A Dressmaker's Bill.—What American Women must Spend on Dress.—Why so many Americans come to Europe every year.—Current Prices.—The Beggar and the Nickel.—Books and Oysters are Cheap.—Salaries.—I can afford it.

Chapter XLI.—Conclusion.—Reply to the American Question.—Social Condition of Europe and America.—European Debt and American Surplus.—The Americans are not so Happy as the French.—What Jonathan has Accomplished.—A Wish.

CHAPTER I.

Population of America.—An Anecdote about the Sun.—Where is the Centre of America?—Jonathan cannot get over it, nor can I.—America, the Land of Conjuring.—A Letter from Jonathan decides me to set out for the United States.

he population of America is about sixty millions—mostly colonels.

Yes, sixty millions—all alive and kicking!

If the earth is small, America is large, and the Americans are immense!

An Englishman was one day boasting to a Frenchman of the immensity of the British Empire.

Yes, sir, he exclaimed to finish up with, the sun never sets on the English possessions.

I am not surprised at that, replied the Frenchman; the sun is obliged to keep an eye on the rascals.

However, the sun can now travel from New York to San Francisco, and light, on his passage, a free nation which, for the last hundred years, has been pretty successful in her efforts to get on in the world without John Bull's protection.

From east to west, America stretches over a breadth of more than three thousand miles. Here it is as well to put some readers on their guard, in case an American should one day ask them one of his favourite questions: Where is the centre of America? I myself imagined that, starting from New York and pushing westward, one would reach the extremity of America on arriving at San Francisco. Not so; and here Jonathan has you. He knows you are going to answer wrongly; and if you want to please him, you must let yourself be caught in this little trap, because it will give him such satisfaction to put you right. At San Francisco, it appears you are not quite half-way, and the centre of America is really the Pacific Ocean. Jonathan more than doubled the width of his continent in 1867, when for the sum of four[1] million dollars he purchased Alaska of the Russians.

Not satisfied with these immensities, Jonathan delights in contemplating his country through magnifying glasses; and one must forgive him the patriotism which makes him see everything double.

To-day population, progress, civilisation, every thing advances with giant's stride. Towns seem to spring up through the earth. A town with twenty thousand inhabitants, churches, libraries, schools, hotels, and banks, was perhaps, but a year or two ago, a patch of marsh or forest. To-day Paris fashions are followed there as closely as in New York or London.

In America, everything is on an immense scale: the just pride of the citizens of the young Republic is fed by the grandeur of its rivers, mountains, deserts, cataracts, its suspension bridges, its huge cities, etc.

Jonathan passes his life in admiration of all that is American. He cannot get over it.

I have been through part of the country, and I cannot get over it either. I am out of breath, turned topsy-turvy. It is pure conjuring; it is Robert Houdin over again—occasionally, perhaps, Robert Macaire too—but let us not anticipate. Give me time to recover my breath and set my ideas in order. Those Americans are reeking with unheard-of-ness, I can tell you that to begin with. My ideas are all jostling in my poor old European brain. There is no longer anything impossible, and the fairy tales are child's play compared to what we may see every day. Everything is prodigious, done by steam, by electricity; it is dazzling, and I no longer wonder that Americans only use their adjectives in the superlative.

As an illustration of what I advance, here is a letter that I received from an American, in the month of May, 1887, and which finally decided me to go and see America. It is dated from Boston:

Dear Sir,—I was on the point of taking the boat at twelve to-day to go and have a talk with you about an idea which occurred to me yesterday; but as I have already been across three times this year, and, in a month or six weeks, shall have to set out for St. Petersburg and Japan, I am desirous, if possible, of arranging the matter I have at heart by correspondence....

I must make the acquaintance of that man, I exclaimed; I must go and see Jonathan at home one of these days.

And as soon as circumstances allowed, I packed my trunks, took a cabin on board one of the brave White Star Liners, and set out to see Jonathan and his Continent.

CHAPTER II.

Jonathan and his Critics.—An eminent American gives me Salutary Advice.—Travelling Impressions.—Why Jonathan does not love John Bull.

few days before leaving America, I had a pleasant talk with Mr. Whitelaw Reid, the chief editor of the New York Tribune.

Do not fall into the great error of fancying that you have seen America in six months, he said to me.

But I do not fancy anything of the kind, I replied; "I have no such pretension. When a man of average intelligence returns home after having made a voyage to a foreign land, he cannot help having formed a certain number of impressions, and he has a right to communicate them to his friends. They are but impressions, notes taken by the wayside; and, if there is an error committed by anyone, it is by the critic or the reader, when either of these looks for a perfect picture of the manners and institutions of the people the author has visited, instead of simple impressions de voyage. Certainly, if there is a country in the world that it would be impossible to judge in six months, that country is America; and the author who, in such a little space of time, allowed himself to fall into the error of sitting in judgment upon her would write himself down an ass. In six months you cannot know America, you cannot even see the country; you can merely get a glimpse of it: but, by the end of a week, you may have been struck with various things, and have taken note of them. A serious study and an impression are two different things, and an error is committed by the person who takes one for the other. For instance, if, in criticising my little volume, you exclaim, 'The author has no deep knowledge of his subject,' it is you who commit an error, and not I. I do not pretend to a deep knowledge of my subject. How would that be possible in so short a time? How should you imagine it to be possible? To form a really exact idea of America, one would need to live twenty years in the country, nay, to be an American; and I may add that, in my opinion, the best books that exist upon the different countries of the world have been written by natives of those countries. Never has an author written of the English like Thackeray; never have the Scotch been painted with such fidelity as by Ramsay; and to describe Tartarin, it needed not only a Frenchman, but a Provençal, almost a Tarasconnais. I say all this to you, Mr. Reid, to warn you that, if on my return to Europe I should publish a little volume on America, it will be a book of impressions; and if you should persist in seeing in it anything but impressions, it is you who will be to blame. But in this matter I trust to the intelligence of those Americans who do me the honour of reading me. I shall be in good hands."

Upon this the editor of the Tribune responded, as he shook my hand—

You are right.

It must be allowed that Jonathan has good reason to mistrust his critics. Most books on America have been written by Englishmen. Now, the English are, of all people, those who can the least easily get rid of their prejudices in speaking of America. They are obliged to admit that the Americans have made their way pretty well since they have been their own masters; but John Bull has always a rankling remembrance, when he looks at America, of the day that the Americans sent him about his business, and his look seems to say to Jonathan: Yes, yes; you have not done at all badly—for you; but just think what the country would have been by this time if it had remained in my hands.

He looks at everything he sees with a patronising air; with the arrogant calm that makes him, amiable as he is at home, so unbearable when he travels abroad. He expresses cavalierly, criticises freely. He goes over with the firm intention of admiring nothing American. If he finds nothing else to disparage, he will complain of the want of ruins and old cathedrals. He occasionally presents himself at Jonathan's dinner-parties in a tweed suit, fearing to do him too much honour by putting on evening dress. His little talent of making himself disagreeable abroad comes out more strongly in America; and Jonathan, one of whose little weaknesses is love of approbation, I honestly believe, has a cordial antipathy to the magnificent Briton.

The Englishman, on his side, has no antipathy whatever to the Americans. For that matter, the Englishman has no antipathy for anyone. He despises, but he does not hate; a fact which is irritating to the last degree to the objects of his attention. When a man feels that he has some worth, he likes to be loved or hated: to be treated with indifference is galling. John Bull looks on the American as a parvenu, and smiles with incredulity when you say that American society is not only brilliant and witty, but quite as polished as the best European society.

It is this haughty disdain which exasperates Americans.

Jonathan has forgotten that the English were once his oppressors; he forgives them for the war of 1812; without forgetting it, he forgives them for having sided with the slave-owners during the Civil War, but he cannot forgive an Englishman for coming to his dinner-table in a tweed suit.

CHAPTER III.

Characteristic Traits.—A Gentleman and a Cad.—Different Ways of Discussing the Merits of a Sermon.—Contradictions and Contrasts.—Sacred and Profane.—Players of Poker on Board Ship.—A Meek and Humble Follower of Jesus.—The Open Sesame of New York, Boston, and Philadelphia.—The Childish Side of American Character.—The Three Questions Jonathan puts to every Foreigner who lands in America.—Preconceived Notions.—Request of an American Journalist.—Why the English and the French do not put Questions on their Countries to the Foreigner who visits them.

nation, scarcely more than a hundred years old, and composed of many widely different elements, cannot, in the nature of things, possess very marked characteristic traits.

There are