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    A Parody Outline of History
    A Parody Outline of History
    A Parody Outline of History
    Ebook163 pages1 hour

    A Parody Outline of History

    By Donald Ogden Stewart

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    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherArchive Classics
    Release dateJul 1, 2000
    A Parody Outline of History
    Author

    Donald Ogden Stewart

    Donald Ogden Stewart (November 30, 1894 - August 2, 1980) was an American author and screenwriter, best known for his sophisticated golden era comedies and melodramas, such as The Philadelphia Story (based on the play by Philip Barry), Tarnished Lady and Love Affair. Stewart worked with a number of the great directors of his time, including George Cukor (a frequent collaborator), Michael Curtiz and Ernst Lubitsch. Stewart was also a member of the Algonquin Round Table, and, with Ernest Hemingway's friend Bill Smith, the model for Bill Gorton in The Sun Also Rises by Hemingway. His 1922 parody on etiquette, Perfect Behavior, published by George H Doran and Co, was a favourite book of P. G. Wodehouse. (Wikipedia)

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    • 4/5
      1921. A parody of H.G. Wells' "Outline of History." Stewart satirizes the writing styles of Sinclair Lewis, Ring Lardner, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Thornton Burgess, Edith Wharton, Eugene O'Neill and others in his sort of addendum to Wells' book. Covers the pilgrims, the revolution, Custer's last stand and the Great War among other brief episodes of American History. Very funny. Reminds me of Thorne Smith.

    Book preview

    A Parody Outline of History - Donald Ogden Stewart

    Project Gutenberg's A Parody Outline of History, by Donald Ogden Stewart

    This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with

    almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or

    re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included

    with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org

    Title: A Parody Outline of History

    Author: Donald Ogden Stewart

    Release Date: August 13, 2008 [EBook #1478]

    Last Updated: November 17, 2012

    Language: English

    *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A PARODY OUTLINE OF HISTORY ***

    Produced by Charles Keller, and David Widger

    A PARODY OUTLINE OF HISTORY

    By Donald Ogden Stewart

                 Wherein may be found a curiously irreverent treatment of

                 AMERICAN HISTORICAL EVENTS

                 Imagining them as they would be narrated

                 by American's most characteristic

                 contemporary authors

                                      To

                           GILBERT HOLLAND STEWART, Jr.

    Preface

    Mr. H. G. Wells, in his Outline of History, was of necessity forced to omit the narration of many of the chief events in the history of these United States. Such omissions I have in this brief volume endeavored to supply. And as American history can possibly best be written by Americans and as we have among us no H. G. Wells, I have imagined an American history as written conjointly by a group of our most characteristic literary figures.

    Apologies are due the various authors whose style and, more particularly, whose Weltanschauung I have here attempted to reproduce; thanks are due The Bookman for permission to reprint such of these chapters as appeared in that publication. I give both freely. D. O. S.

    Contents

    CHAPTER ONE

    INTRODUCTION

    A CRITICAL SURVEY OF AMERICAN HISTORY

    In the Manner of William Lyon Phelps

    On a memorable evening in the year 1904 I witnessed the opening performance of Maude Adams in Peter Pan. Nothing in the world can describe the tremendous enthusiasm of that night! I shall never forget the moment when Peter came to the front of the stage and asked the audience if we believed in fairies. I am happy to say that I was actually the first to respond. Leaping at once out of my seat, I shouted Yes—Yes! To my intense pleasure the whole house almost instantly followed my example, with the exception of one man. This man was sitting directly in front of me. His lack of enthusiasm was to me incredible. I pounded him on the back and shouted, Great God, man, are you alive! Wake up! Hurrah for the fairies! Hurrah! Finally he uttered a rather feeble Hurrah! Childe Roland to the dark tower came.

    That was my first meeting with that admirable statesman Woodrow Wilson, and I am happy to state that from that night we became firm friends. When Mr. Wilson was inaugurated in 1913 I called on him at the White House, taking with me some members of my Yale drama class. Each one of us had an edition of the president's admirable History of the American People, and I am glad to say that he was kind enough to autograph each of the ten volumes for all of us.

    Early in Mr. Wilson's second term as president, just before the break with Germany, I was sitting in the quiet of my library rereading Browning's Cristina. When I came to the third stanza I leaped to my feet—the thing seemed incredible, but here before my eyes was actually Browning's prophetic message to America in regard to the submarine sinkings.

    Oh, we're sunk enough here, God knows! But not so sunk that moments—etc. It is an extraordinary evidence of the man's genius that in 1840 he should have perhaps foreseen prophetically the happenings of seventy-six years later! Not only did Browning seem to know what was bound to happen, but he told us the remedy. I sat right down and wrote to my good friend the president, enclosing a marked copy of the poem. On the sixth of April, 1917, war was declared.

    May 7, 1912, was the one hundredth anniversary of the birth of Robert Browning. On that memorable date I was traveling to Ohio at the request of my dear friend Miss Jones to deliver an address at the Columbus School for Girls. Curiously enough the name of my Pullman car was Pauline. Not only did that strike me as remarkable, but I occupied upper berth number 9 in car 11, two numbers which, added together, produced the exact age at which Browning published the poem of that name. At once I recited the opening lines, Pauline, mine own, bend o'er me—thy soft breast shall pant to mine—bend o'er me, to the porter.

    I like to believe that the spirit of Browning arranged that entire journey, for the other occupant of this well-omened berth was that admirable statesman Warren G. Harding. When I sat down I noticed that he was reading Henry Sydnor Harrison's Queed, a book which was justly popular at that time. I at once showed Mr. Harding an article I had written in which I stated that not only was Queed a real novel, with a real plot, and real characters, but that I believed the readers were stimulated by the spiritual advance of the hero. The future president agreed with me and said he thought that literature was a great thing. Encouraged by this I confessed that I was on my way to deliver a lecture on modern poetry. Mr. Harding replied that he thought poetry was a great thing. Splendid! I cried, and taking a copy of Browning from my bag I read him several selections. Mr. Harding said that of the American poets he liked James Whitcomb Riley best. Personally, while I have for Mr. Riley only wonder and praise, I think that the English poet strikes a more inspiring, more eternal note.

    I then read to Mr. Harding Browning's Evelyn Hope. He said that he knew a Mrs. Walter Hope in Marion, but that he was not sure her first name was Evelyn. As I knew that Mr. Harding liked a good pun, I remarked facetiously that hope springs eternal, meaning that probably there were in existence several families of that name.

    I am happy to state that with that meeting began a friendship which

    has lasted for many years. When Mr. Harding was nominated for the

    presidency, I wrote at once, enclosing a copy of "The Advance of the

    English Novel" which I had published in 1916. On the title-page I wrote,

    To the Hero of a Much More Spectacular Advance, meaning that the

    progress made by the English novel was as nothing compared to Mr.

    Harding's rapid and well-deserved rise. In reply I received the

    following:

                                          6 July, 1920. MY DEAR

    PROFESSOR PHELPS:

    Many thanks to you for your congratulations and your kindness in sending me your brilliant, searching essays which I hope to be able to read in the near future. WARREN

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