Mastering Your Emotions with Your Spouse and Others

Mastering Your Emotions

With Your Spouse and Others:

Seven Steps for Transforming Emotional Reactivity

By

Jim Piekarski

Mastering Your Emotions with Your Spouse and Others:

Seven Steps for Transforming Emotional Reactivity

By

Jim Piekarski, Marriage and Family Therapist

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2012 Jim Piekarski

This book is available in print at most online retailers.

Contact Jim Piekarski, the author, at jim.piekarski@aol.com.

Cover design by Jerry Dorris

Acknowledgements

It takes many people to write a book. I would like to thank Cynthia TenEyck, Kay Lee, and Alicia Mitchell for their detailed editing of the manuscript. Alan Bleiman, Marcia Wall, Sarah Avery, Alicia Mitchell and Cecilia Kolonie are all therapists to whom I am grateful for reading the manuscript and giving me excellent feedback about its psychological content. I would also like to thank my significant other, Dr. Karen Hylen, and Tim Butler, MFT for their own long-time enthusiasm for these ideas and for our discussions over the years about emotional reactivity.

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1 What is Emotional Reactivity

Chapter 2 Step 1: Taking Responsibility and Setting Good Boundaries

Chapter 3 Step 2: Developing a Strong Intention

Chapter 4 Step 3: Stopping Dysfunctional Behavior

Chapter 5 Step 4: Embracing Our Feelings

Chapter 6 Step 5: Changing Our Thinking

Chapter 7 Step 6: Getting a Black Belt: Containing Emotional Reactivity

Chapter 8 Step 7: Responding Compassionately

Chapter 9 The Components of an Emotion

Chapter 10 What Causes Emotional Reactivity

Chapter 11 Fear of Emotions

Chapter 12 A Door to Deeper Healing

Bibliography

Author Information

Introduction

This book is the result of years of providing therapy to couples, families, and individuals in trouble with their relationships. When I began my practice, I noticed that people who displayed good communication skills in normal interactions with others could change drastically when they interacted with family members or their spouses. There was a distinct difference between how people acted when calm and how they acted when upset. People who become emotionally reactive, can’t access communication skills. Emotional reactivity (ER) short-circuits a person’s capacity to think clearly and act rationally. This is particularly true when a person is interacting with a loved one and has a history of emotional reactivity with that person. The main requirement in mastering one’s emotions is to overcome emotional reactivity.

A couple that I worked with was a prime example of this. When calm, both the husband and wife communicated clearly and supported each other. It was obvious to me that both of them cared for each other and were highly committed to the relationship. This changed rapidly as soon as they brought up a topic with history around it. Their mood would change and within minutes they would be swearing at each other, and only with the greatest difficulty could I stop them from verbally abusing each other in my office. This couple exemplified the paradox that I was experiencing. How could I help people who could express themselves well when calm but then lose possession of themselves so thoroughly when upset? What made people be cruel to their loved ones despite their best intentions? Many of the people I treated tried to be more loving, but they were unable to respond differently even after learning state-of-the-art communication skills. Attempts to communicate about difficult issues would trigger strong emotions, the person would regress, and the communication skills that they knew would fly out the window.

This wasn't only a problem with my clients. I knew what it was like to try to communicate to a loved one and be surprised to find the communication burst into flames. My intention to discuss a problem would transform itself, and suddenly I would be defensive and angry. The love and compassion that I intended would evaporate in a storm of bad feeling--the whirlpool of emotional reactivity pulling me in, along with my spouse, or family member. I found it very frustrating. At first, I blamed the other person. If only she weren't so irrational. If he would just listen to what I had to say. It took me a while to realize it wasn’t just the other person who was to blame, because I was participating in this insanity, too. When I became a therapist and saw this happening in my clients, it was familiar. I attempted to change this in myself by trying to use good communication skills and to look at past old wounds and understand how these were affecting my relationships. These skills worked great when my spouse and I were calm, but when we were upset these techniques helped only a little, if at all, because they did not deal with the basic problem. The problem was emotional—and not a set of emotions that were easily handled. It was an emotional reaction that was deep and primitive.

Emotions can be nebulous and hard to understand; their form being less distinct than the other two major areas of experience, thoughts and sensations. Until recently, psychotherapy focused on changing behavior or changing how we think about things. Although these therapy techniques help a person in a rational state of mind, it is rare for a person to successfully use them when emotionally reactive. I couldn't do it myself, and I didn’t think my problem with emotional reactivity was any greater than that of my friends or clients.

I became interested in understanding emotional reactivity hoping to find a way to help myself and others prevent it from harming our relationships. I learned about the fight or flight response that occurs in a part of the brain that is responsible for instinctive self-protection which is different from the part of the brain that learns skills. Common rational solutions were not sufficient; a different focus was necessary to deal with this problem. At the time I was practicing mindfulness and meditation which I found to be of great benefit, because within a few minutes of mindfulness practice I experienced a sense of calm and centeredness. After practicing mindfulness it became harder for me to be emotionally reactive, and I wanted to share this with my clients. I began introducing mindfulness into therapy and I was gratified to see that it was immediately helpful to clients who were motivated to practice it.

Although the practice of mindfulness was generally helpful, I wanted to develop a way to apply it specifically to interpersonal reactivity. To make it easy for my clients to manage their emotions, I created a simple step-by-step process that focused mindfulness and other techniques directly on emotional reactivity. This would help clients to understand their emotional reactivity, gain control of it, and once again restore love and compassion to their relationships. This combination of focusing directly on the problem of emotional reactivity and the practice of mindfulness had improved my ability to contain my emotional reactivity. Every relationship in my life improved.

I was very pleased with the results in my practice. Once clients understood the trap they were caught in and given a step-by-step understanding of how to get out of it, they made surprising progress. It is amazing what people can do when they truly understand a problem and have a clear plan to overcome it. I found that couples, families, and individuals all benefited from the approach.

In the last fifteen years therapists have been using mindfulness as a primary psychological tool and are getting results. However, most psychological techniques and programs designed to help people handle their emotions are for those with serious psychological diagnoses, such as borderline personality disorder. But everybody becomes emotionally reactive at times, not just people with severe problems. Presented here is a clear and simple approach for normal people to manage the emotions that come up in interpersonal situations.

Emotional reactivity must be understood clearly in order to deal with it effectively. It tends to disguise itself as other issues. When people do not recognize it, they often blame their interpersonal problems on other people. There are two levels of communication: the logical, language-based level and the emotional level. People communicate emotionally all the time, however, most people are not fully aware of it. Their attention remains on the level of words and they do not realize that the emotional level of communication is stronger and can take over the direction of communication entirely. Inattention to the emotional level of communication is an important reason that people have conflict in relationship.

Folklore says that discovering a devil’s name gives you power over it. One illustration of this is the folktale, Rumpelstiltskin. When the queen speaks the name Rumpelstiltskin, his evil power disappears and the queen’s child is returned to her. Likewise, once we gain an understanding of emotional reactivity, and can identify it in ourselves, then we can take steps towards change.

It was in marital counseling that I first began to see the need for couples to transform their emotional reactivity. As an inexperienced therapist, I encouraged couples to use the common techniques for improving communication, problem-solving, and changing behaviors. However, a couple’s emotional reactivity could easily interrupt their attempts to apply these new skills. I was trying to treat the emotional level of communication with techniques designed to work with the rational level. Emotional reactivity is regressive; it takes people back to a more primitive level of functioning, creating more problems and inhibiting positive change.

With couples, a strategy and a set of methods to help them deal with emotional reactivity are crucial to resolving marital problems. The methods presented here are not new and are taken from many schools of psychotherapy. The concept that is new is the focus on emotional reactivity and on what tools are needed to tame this central problem in relationships. This focus helps people identify what the problems really are and to then take responsibility for them. Once a person realizes that ER inhibits their capacity to experience long-term love in their lives, he or she becomes very motivated to change. Although the skills for overcoming emotional reactivity are highly effective for couples, they benefit individuals and families as well.

To be able to change our emotional reactivity, we need to understand it and then be very attentive to how it manifests in our lives. It is important to make our own discoveries, because to accept the information without seeing how it operates in our lives will be insufficient. Habits of mind and emotion are very difficult to break, because these habits are built up and practiced over many years. The good news is that fixing these bad habits doesn’t have to take as long as their development. We can change emotional reactivity in a relatively short time, if we are determined and follow the steps outlined in this book.

This book outlines an approach designed for the average person who has trouble with emotional reactivity—the person who occasionally gets their buttons pushed by others or the person who has one or two relationships that trigger difficult emotions. Here is a step-by-step method of transforming emotional reactivity into responses that are more fruitful and caring. It provides a path to end the dysfunctional triggering of the fight-or-flight reaction and is a step on the path of mastering your emotions. I hope that you can benefit from these techniques as I and many others have done.

Steps to Overcoming Emotional Reactivity

This book is designed to take you through the steps that will help you master emotional reactivity. The first section of the book (Chapters 2-7) explores the techniques that are effective in reducing ER and getting relationships back in good working order. Chapter One defines and describes emotional reactivity and how it occurs in various relationships and guides you in distinguishing emotional reactivity from healthy emotions.

Chapter Two describes methods to stop externalizing problems and for setting good boundaries. Because emotionally reactive people project blame onto others and the environment, they miss the opportunity to make changes in themselves. Chapter Three demonstrates how to develop the level of commitment necessary to be successful in overcoming this difficult problem. Building motivation is an essential step before beginning this important endeavor. Chapter Four focuses on behaviors that are triggered by emotional reactivity and how these must be stopped so more functional behaviors can be adopted. The central theme is improving communication, since the most common emotionally reactive behavior is hurtful communication.

Chapter Five describes how to handle the high emotional arousal that often accompanies emotional reactivity. These techniques, based on the Buddhist concept of mindfulness, are critical in dealing with strong emotions and enable us to remain centered enough to handle situations appropriately. Chapter Six discusses how distortions in thinking contribute to emotional reactivity, and how to change the distortions so that one is thinking more clearly. Chapter Seven demonstrates how these basic exercises can be integrated into a set of coping skills through practice. Chapter Eight presents methods to reduce emotional reactivity and respond more compassionately with loved ones.

The second part of the book investigates aspects of emotions that are helpful to understand in applying the steps in the first part of the book. Chapters Nine, Ten and Eleven provide a deeper understanding of emotions. Chapter Nine breaks down emotions into five basic components, an approach that eliminates much of the confusion commonly experienced when trying to understand the realm of emotions. The steps for transforming emotional reactivity described in the first half of this book are based on this five-component model of emotion. Some of the specific causes of emotional reactivity are described in Chapter Ten, imparting a greater knowledge of how your own emotional reactivity may have developed. Chapter Eleven explores how the fear of uncomfortable feelings is not only a cause of emotional reactivity but may be the root of other psychological problems. Chapter Twelve, the final chapter, explores emotional reactivity and its relevance to therapy and healing in general. Transforming emotional reactivity has great therapeutic value beyond helping to negotiate relationships.

Chapter 1

What is Emotional Reactivity

A life of reaction is a life of slavery, intellectually and spiritually. One must fight for a life of action, not reaction.

Rita Mae Brown

Emotional reactivity is one of the most serious and destructive problems that occur in relationships, and it short-circuits our ability to compassionately respond to our loved ones. In a marriage, it leads to unhappiness and divorce. When it occurs in a family, it creates conflict and leaves our children a legacy of emotional problems. When we are emotionally reactive, communication is disrupted and feelings of intimacy evaporate. Emotional reactivity (ER) arises in all kinds of relationships: between parents and children, among family members and friends, romantic relationships, and even in business relationships. Unfortunately, it tends to be most potent with our closest and most cherished relationships transforming a relationship that was once loving and respectful into one full of anger and frustration. Ultimately, it can lead to alienation and separation.

Murray Bowen, considered to be one of the fathers of family therapy, originally coined the term emotional reactivity. He saw that there was strong reactivity between members of troubled families, and he felt that a person’s ability to handle reactivity was a prime indicator of how healthy one could be in a relationship. He observed that people’s anxiety levels increased dramatically when they were emotionally reactive and understood that our ability to think things through rationally and to problem-solve is severely compromised when in this state.

We experience emotional reactivity when somebody pushes our buttons and we emotionally overreact to another person, event, or situation. Emotional reactivity is the inability to handle our emotions well. When we are emotionally reactive we act against our best interests—saying and doing things that we regret. ER is in no way helpful to us. It doesn’t aid us in resolving real problems because it is based on a distorted view of events. Although it can look similar, it differs from the expression of healthy emotions. When not dealt with, it can invade our relationships and replace loving feelings with those of anger, resentment, fear, and hurt.

Two pathways exist for communication between people—through reason and through emotion.