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    Angels Don't Cry
    Angels Don't Cry
    Angels Don't Cry
    Ebook27 pages25 minutes

    Angels Don't Cry

    By Gabriel Archer

    ()

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    About this ebook

    Gabriel is an iPod-totting archangel obsessed with crossword puzzles and human souls. God is the Creator of Everything who misquotes platitudes and who is set on destroying the world. You are a hot, large-breasted dear reader. Angels Don't Cry is a sacrilegiously satirical short story about divine disappointment and angelic hope.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherGabriel Archer
    Release dateOct 15, 2012
    Angels Don't Cry
    Author

    Gabriel Archer

    Captain Gabriel Archer, IX, Ph. D., Esq. is a world-class lothario. There is a high probability that he slept with your wife or - if you are a beautiful woman - you. Mr. Archer is an expert marksman and can shoot an a amoeba off a fly's head. He practices law in NYC for fun. He is the first sword of the Empire. He endorses self-reliance over political candidates. His hobbies include your wife (or, quite possibly, you, Mrs. Dear Reader); writing realistic magicalism, a genre he single-handedly invented with co-author and sidekick, Jack Canaan; creating fictitious and utterly true autobiographies; and breathlessly staring at the mirror. He has an advance doctorate in armchair philosophy and has spent years learning to make armchairs from Buddhist monks high in Himalayan mountains. He looks striking in a tuxedo. Although warned many times not to, he went there. He also discovered Martha's Vineyard in 1602. Sir Jack Canaan ibn Hatzel, Sr., M. D. is a world-class lotahrio. There is a high probability that he slept with one of the women you know, or - if you are that woman - you. He is so pleasant that imaginary friends invented him for company. Dr. Canaan has worked for every single intelligence agency in the world, often double- and triple-crossing himself to the point that he remained loyal. He is a veteran of the First Angelic War and the Second Lebanese War. His hobbies include pleasing dear readers; writing realistic magicalism, a genre he single-handedly invented with co-author and sidekick, Gabriel Archer; ripping wings off angels; and unmasking hypocrisies. Ancient Canaan is named after him. He once had a date with destiny, but stood her up in favor of ménage à trois with fate and karma. He does everything better naked.

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      Book preview

      Angels Don't Cry - Gabriel Archer

      ANGELS DON'T CRY

      by

      Gabriel Archer & Jack Canaan

      Smashwords Edition

      Copyright©2012 MetaFic, Inc.

      All rights reserved.

      It's strange, God created only two luminaries, the Sun and the Moon - I know, I was there to throw the light switch on - but here I find myself awash in the light of a third. Times Square is perhaps the brightest place on earth. I glance at my crossword puzzle. What's a seven letter word for a city dedicated to materialism and sensual pleasure? With my pencil I fill in BABYLON. Or were they looking for New York? Oh well, the Y is in the same place anyway.

      I love it here. The stock quotes run on a digital ticker tape, proper red letters and numbers - the EKG of the economy. Fifty-foot women on billboards offer people products they don't need. Cute, memorable logos on Jumbotrons substitute brand for quality. This place is where vulgarity and tackiness battle creativity. The fluorescent lights of the city pulsate and flare, drilling, drilling deeper and deeper into minds. Photoorgasmic delights for the eye.

      It's warm here tonight though the time is approaching 3 A.M. Car-headlights stream by like tracer bullets, adding yellow streaks to the blue and white and orange that live in this place. There's a strong scent of garbage and exhaust; I suck in as much of it as I can. Screens that say Sony under them advertise a new reality series. What happens when you put four prostitutes in a convent? the caption asks, followed by a scene where an ethnically diverse quartet of scantly clad ladies bang on heavy gates set in a gothic looking wall. House of God, Home of Sin. The first part is all shining in immaculate white while the second half is engulfed in flames. Very cute. Watch the drama unfold next Monday on Fox. You bet your sweet corporate stocks I will. Last time I saw blasphemy like this was Rome under Nero. God is gonna have a fit when he hears about this.

      I

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