Janet Tallulah

Janet Tallulah

"All that glitters"

…is seldom gold.

Jay W. MacIntosh

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2018 Jay W. MacIntosh

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EBook formatting by Lucinda Campbell

Table of Contents

From the Author

Dedication

Introduction

1969-1971

1972-1973 – Changes

From the Author

The Origins of George Bernard Shaw’s Life Force Philosophy

(2012)

Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume I (1969-71)

(2012)

Moments In Time

(2012)

Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume 2

(2013)

Janet Tallulah

(2014)

Capturing Beauty

(2014)

Jayspeak on the Cote d’Azur

(2016)

Dedicated to Mother, Daddy, Patricia, Barbara

"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives."

― Henry David Thoreau

Introduction

The problem was – I thought the grass was greener somewhere else even though Daddy kept telling me that it was not! In disgust, I decided he did not know because he was trapped. That was why he drank so much. No wonder! I would drink, too, if I were married to Mother. But he had ‘made his bed; he must lie in it.: Oh, for goodness sakes, life was not a bunch of clichés. Life was to be lived! And, I must leave Gainesville before I, too, got trapped because it was the early bird who got the worm, and I was already late to the party". Life was passing me by. I was married to a guy I didn’t like but was sexually attracted to. As a result, I had gotten pregnant, gotten married, and had had three small children by the time I was 27.

It was not until I was in my early 30’s that a psychiatrist helped me realize that I did not have to accept things the way they were. Yes, I had made my bed. I DID NOT have to lie in it. What????? What a concept!! Well, I definitely did not like the way things were. I then chose to do something else. Move. Where? New York City? Broadway? No. Not with three little kids. California? Hollywood? Hmmmm. Maybe. There was grass there. Plus, an ocean. My friend in theatre, Jimmie Ralston, had moved there. Hmmmm.

How would I get outta’ Dodge? I knew. I would try to get accepted into UCLA Graduate School – get my PhD in drama. And, at the same time, try to break into the film business without telling anyone. That would work. I wouldn’t tell them I planned to stay if I made it happen. I could take a year’s leave of absence from my job. I needed my PhD, anyway. I’d come back if I didn’t like it.

At that point, I started taking steps – writing letters, sending applications, doing research – to move to Los Angeles. I applied for and got accepted into the PhD program at UCLA. I applied for and almost got a Fellowship to the program. I also subscribed to the Los Angeles Times, having it mailed to my office address, in order to become familiar with the City. Needless to say, life became chaotic. Events became unpredictable and unfathomable while I was making life-altering choices that would affect the lives of those around me for years to come.

Now, later in life, I painfully regret a lot of the choices I made. But, at the time, I forged ahead making changes right and left, believing I knew what I was doing. I was convinced that I could not grow into the person I wanted to be by staying where I was. I was destined for bigger things. Thus, I must position myself where opportunities could arise.

Now, it is time to let go of all those regrets. I must appreciate what I have now, glad I had courage to take risks. It is a matter of perception – how I perceived things then, and how I perceive things now – and how other people perceived and perceive things. The same set of facts is different for each one of us. Most interpretations are on the surface and misconstrued – accumulated from bits and pieces of information and observations that lead to conclusions that are hardly ever the same. It wasn’t until I went to law school in my late 50’s that I began to learn the difference between perception and facts. What happened. As an actress, I acted SUBTEXT. As an attorney, I needed FACTS.

That said… I am not focusing on facts in this Journal – well, sort of. This Journal is filled with my perceptions, my obsessions, my goals, my fears, my thoughts, my loves, and my hates – in my search for the real ME’. I went through a LOT of changes. It is especially hard to relive all I went through during the years 1969 through 1971, because I was young, vulnerable, naïve, and very Southern. I have chosen those years because my entire family went through a crash course" in living. I was not ready for what came at me. Neither was my husband Darrell. Or the kids. As a result, we all suffered. A lot of it did not turn out very well. But, a lot of it did.

People often remember 1969 as the year of Woodstock, of the Beatles breakup, of the start of the draft lottery for the Vietnam War, of the trial of the Chicago Seven, or of the horror of the Manson Family murders in California. In 1969, Neil Armstrong walked on the moon; the Internet was born; the first artificial heart transplant was performed; the personal computer revolution began, and the world’s largest airplane – Boeing 747-100 – took flight.

In 1970, Paul McCartney announced the Beatles had disbanded. The Apollo 13 mission to the moon was abandoned. 100,000 people demonstrated in Washington D.C. against the Vietnam War. A fire at a nightclub near Grenoble in Russia trapped night clubbers leaving 142 – mostly teenagers – dead. California became first state to adopt a No Fault divorce law.

1971 saw China admitted to the United Nations. A new stock market index called the NASDAQ debuted. The Sylmar earthquake hit the San Fernando Valley area of California. The Walt Disney World Resort opened in Florida. The New York Times began publishing sections of the Pentagon Papers starting on June 13, showing the U.S. Government had been lying to the American people.

For me, I was oblivious to a lot of that. 1969 through 1971 was a time when I was making changes. In 1969, I began keeping Journals to help me make decisions. That is when this book begins – 1969. In fact, I kept a Journal for many years after that. In 1971, I wrote in the Journal: "I will write a book. My book title will be ‘This Woman’s Search’. The gist of it will be: OK, here is the story. This is what I did and what has worked for me. I’LL TELL YOU. All you have to do is listen and see if you can use any of it. Hopefully something will hit you, and you will be motivated to do it, to begin it. I could also call my Book A Search in Progress. Janet Tallulah is somewhat of an edited transcription of my first Journals – the Journals that I wrote after October 3, 1969. It is the now" of then. Hopefully, there is something in it that may help you in your life journey.

First, a bit of background: I was born at home on Cleveland Road in Gainesville, Georgia, with Dr. Davis in attendance. It was a Tuesday, March 30, 1937. Mother and Daddy named me Janet Tallulah Jewell. Daddy’s mother was named Mary Tallulah Dickson Jewell-Loudermilk, so I was named after her. I grew up in Gainesville. My father was in the chicken business, and my mother was a housewife: Jesse and Anna Lou Jewell. I had two older sisters – Barbara and Patricia. We moved to Green Street Circle when I was four, and that remained our family home until Mother died in 2002. I loved school from Day One. As a result, I got good grades. I was a leader from the git-go. I participated in school activities, extra-curricular activities, and First Baptist Church activities. I loved Wade Lindorme from the time I first saw him when he moved to Gainesville from Atlanta. He was a year older than I was. We remained a couple throughout grammar school and high school, dating until I went to the University of Wisconsin to college in the fall of 1957.

Things changed once I left Gainesville to go to college. I chose the University of Wisconsin because I wanted to experience something different. But I was not prepared for what happened. The somewhat sheltered existence that I had lived for most of my life began to disintegrate. Everything was different. I tried to be the leader that I had been in high school, but that was not to be. I made a lot of wrong choices. I was miserable. I missed the comfort of the familiar, and most especially, I missed Wade. I had dreams and goals, but I did not have the muscles and/or savvy to handle the myriad of changes that came at me.

In my second year of college, I met Darrell William MacIntyre. He was a Phi Gam from Madison, Wisconsin, and very good looking. He was considered a real catch. I was very attracted to him. I was a Kappa Alpha Theta. We dated all that year, eventually getting pinned. That is when a fraternity guy gives a girl his fraternity pin. It is like being engaged – college style. And, by the end of my sophomore year, I discovered that I was pregnant. So, after facing the fact that I had ruined my family’s good name in Gainesville, Darrell and I got married. I cannot say that we were ever in love. We had a strong physical attraction to each other that continued for many years until he died in 1986.

All of that is a long story that I will save for another book, but I married Darrell William MacIntyre on August 17, 1957, and became Janet Jewell MacIntyre or Janet MacIntyre. Many people called me Jan. Still do. I think it was a Wisconsin thing- shortening names. In the fall of 1957, we moved to Madison to live until Darrell had to report to duty at Fort Sam Houston in San Antonio, Texas, in January 1958. He was stationed in special services at Fort Sam for two years. And that is where our daughter Tracy Lee was born – on February 23, 1958.

After Darrell got out of the service, we both enrolled in the University of Georgia, Athens, Georgia, to continue our college education. Darrell was accepted into law school, and I was accepted into a Bachelor of Arts program with a major in drama, graduating Phi Beta Kappa. That is where our son Craig Dickson was born – on April 5, 1961. After college, Darrell and I, with our small family, moved back to Gainesville, where Darrell began practicing law and I began teaching speech and drama at Brenau College.

In 1964, while teaching at Brenau, I got pregnant again, so I resigned from teaching at Brenau. I stayed out a year, giving birth to our son Blake William – on December 11, 1964. During the spring of 1965, I was hired to serve as Chairman of the Division of Humanities at a junior college, Gainesville Junior College (GJC) that was opening in Gainesville as part of the State University System. It was a PhD position, and I got the position on the condition that I would obtain my PhD at some point in the near future. I was the only woman in the State of Georgia to hold such a position.

So, in 1968, after discovering that UCLA had a PhD program in Theatre History, I took a year’s leave of absence from GJC to move with my family to Los Angeles to work on my PhD. I applied for a Fellowship and it looked promising. Darrell got a job as a prosecuting attorney with the U.S. Justice Department in the Criminal Division. And we rented a home in the Huntington area of Pacific Palisades, California. I did not get the Fellowship, missing it by one person. Darrell had difficulty passing the California Bar Exam. And, the children were unhappy and missed Mother and their friends in Gainesville. Life was not good. The truth be known, I did not want to go back to Georgia. Georgia itself was/is beautiful. But I had grown to hate much about my life in Gainesville. I wanted more. I LOVED California. I wanted to give my children more and better. So, I begged all of them to be patient so that I could establish residency and still get my PhD. Meanwhile, I began exploring the possibility of a career as a professional actress in film and television. Gregory Peck offered to help me. He helped me get into The Actors Studio where I started training with Lee Strasberg and his method acting right away.

That is enough background. This book begins in 1969. I am 32; Darrell is 35. Darrell and I separated for a short period of time, and I had an affair during that time with Norman Russell, a good-looking, smooth-talking con-guy, who got me to loan him a lot of money. Just in time, Darrell returned and kept me from giving Norman a LOT of money. He threatened Norman with a gun, telling Norman to stay away from me. After that, we moved from Pacific Palisades to Brentwood, renting a home on North Bundy. Tracy is 11; Craig is 8; Blake is 4. Meanwhile, while I was establishing residency in California to get lower tuition at UCLA, I got an agent, Harold Swoverland. I got professional headshots taken by Max Factor’s son. I was happy.

Now, a word about The Journal. I began writing in a journal in 1969. A friend of mine, John Prince, told me about a weekend retreat in San Jacinto, California, that was conducted by a man named Ira Progoff. I discovered that Ira Progoff was an American psychologist who had studied under Carl Jung. That didn’t mean a lot to me, but I didn’t care. I was unhappy and trying to change my life, confused as hell. I discovered that Ira was best known for his development of the Intensive Journal Method. His main interest was in depth psychology and particularly the humanistic adaptation of Jungian ideas to the lives of ordinary people like me. He founded Dialogue House in New York City to help promote this method. So, I started attending his weekend retreats in 1969, with John Prince.

The first weekend was a confused mess. I didn’t understand much of what I was hearing. First of all, Ira said the main idea of journal-writing was to provide a total program for the inner life to discover what is taking place inside of a person. Well, I did not know that I had an inner life, much less need to discover what was taking place inside of me. Ira said that The Journal was the hub of a wheel – a person must use it not only in privacy but also in a group because a group and group contact opens one up. In a workshop, each person was like a well in a circle of wells. If that person went down into his own well, there was a great benefit in hearing himself say something he wanted to say. The Journal was structured to prevent the self from going in a circle. It had two main parts – the Log Section and the Depth Section. This is how I remember his instructions.

In the Log Section, it is important to write brief entries. There is the Period Log, which covers some period in a life marked by some event, i.e., a unit in some life situation. Then, there is the Daily Log, which covers each day, making daily records of what is going on in one’s inner life, such as thoughts, feelings, dreams, and fantasies. The Daily Log gives one a sense of style and rhythm in his life, calling him to make entries when something compels him to do so. So, if I wake with thoughts and ideas, write them in the Daily Log. If I have a song running through my head, write it in the Daily Log.

Then, in the Depth Section, one must get down as much of his life now as he can. When one works in his Journal, especially in a workshop – time pauses. All before is past; all after is future. During the pause, one goes down. There, he can dialogue with persons – with uncompleted relationships; dialogue with works – with committed works; dialogue about group experiences – other than the workshop. He can also write about his dreams – in depth or merely referencing it in the Daily Log with a sentence or three without interpretation or analysis. If one tries to interpret a dream or analyze it, he stops the flow. It is important never to jump to conclusions because in Journal writing, one deals mainly with symbolic things.

In The Journal, one wants to dialog with all the important things in his life. The aim is to get seriously involved with the dialogue. Plus, one wants to keep enough daily entries for a week to give a sense of what is happening and do dreams and dream extensions. It is important to get started without waiting in order to get started. There is a process that works within the depth of a person – it must be given the opportunity to work for that person. Basic dialog is the dialog that works between one and one’s inner self that will keep one in the eye of the hurricane.

SO, in this book, I have transcribed parts of my Journal from back then, mainly the Daily Log section. All in all, I have 13 Journals. They are mixtures of Daily Logs, Period Logs, Dreams, and Dialogues with People and Events and Situations, spanning many years and several life transitions. There are frequent depth notations from teachers along the way. Forgive me for not trying to explain everything to you. I am still learning myself. Also forgive me for not including pictures. Somehow, that did not seem like the right thing to do.

Below is the instruction sheet that came with my Journal packet that helped me begin ….

"Think back to how you felt when you awakened in the morning. Describe the mood, the sensations – physical, mental.

Do you have the feeling that you were dreaming during the night? What was the general atmosphere of those dreams? How much of them can you remember and write down?

What was your mood as the day started? How did the morning unfold?

What thoughts kept coming into your mind without your deliberately think them? What worries, hopes, or fantasies? What emotions? What angers or loves?

What events took place with people, works, or groups?

Did unusual situations occur, situations of intensity, crisis, or joy?

How does the day proceed? Note the rhythms of the day as you move from the morning to the afternoon, into the evening. Does the quality of your feelings, your mood, your emotions change?

Recapitulate your experiences of the day – all of the occurrences that you can perceive bot within your mind and on the outside of your life.

Write these with judgment: nothing to be proud of, nothing to be ashamed of; no praise, no blame.

Now feel the day as a whole. Write a few adjectives and a metaphor for how the day feels to you."

Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers. ― Voltaire

1969 – 1971

October 3, 1969.

Friday Night: This is my first journal entry. I am learning how to work in a journal. I learned how a journal helps a person change at Ira Progoff’s Intensive Journal Workshop in San Jacinto, California, so I am giving it a try. Ira taught me different ways to work with this process, but this is my first entry on my own since that time. My friend John told me about it. He likes Ira and thinks the process is effective. I agreed to go with him to the San Jacinto retreat for the weekend – mainly to get out of the house for a few days. John thinks this work will be good for me and wants me to give it a try. So, based on his enthusiasm about the process, I plan to see if it will work for me. I need to get better at living. This is my first entry in what Ira calls The Daily Log. `Next weekend, I am going to another Journal Workshop with Ira. I am looking forward to it!

I got mad at Darrell tonight because he doesn’t understand why I want to go to the Actors Studio. During the first part of the day, I had a good scene rehearsal with Gerry O’Loughlin – even though I was really uptight and found my mind wandering. I kept thinking of what I thought of him as a person instead of the scene and felt attracted to him. Plus, he used yellow sheets for props, and that turned me on. Hmmm, wonder what that means! Of course, I talked too much. I always do. I told him what I think is wrong with my acting. I need to control the scene. I told him what Lieux Dressler said to me about my acting. I need to keep my mouth shut. Plus, I’m too free with Bill McKinney. Mrs. Baker said so. Maybe. I tell Bill what I think about Steve Gravers and hope he won’t tell. And, John Lindesmith is mad at me. I really want to do a project. That is the way to get status. Everyone does scenes.

I did a horrible improvisation in Eric Morris’ class today. I got shy and felt embarrassed when I let go. I held back and cringed when the actor tried to touch me. I forgot to get help from Spirit. Am I a bad actress? Right now – YES. I am tense and uptight. I started to show sexy pictures to Fred; I started to show him the girl in the book because he thinks I am not free. Is the girl in the book free? Does she let go? I like her boobs; I want big boobs, really big boobs. Maybe big boobs would help me let go. Actually, I desire John Prince; too bad he is gay.

I am home, feeling blank, with a need to impress my agent Larry Beyer. Acting is a lot of mental work. I dread the mental work. I get scared of my own thoughts about things. My thoughts seem bad or unhealthy – according to Mother and to the Church. Hmm. Are unhealthy thoughts actually unhealthy? Maybe having the thoughts that I am having are the key to health! Maybe then, I would let go. I want to be healthy, and I need to let go – if I am going to have a career in acting. At least I am sticking to my diet. That’s good. I hate diets – always have. I have a lot of worries – my commercial composite won’t work; Gerry Guardino won’t like me; I’m no good; I won’t be able to tune into the moment; I won’t get to stay at the Studio because Bill will tell Steve what I said; Studio members won’t like me because I’m there all the time.

Gerry Guardino is gone. I’m glad. At least I don’t have to work at conversation with him; he is easy to talk to. Mrs. Baker makes me uneasy, however. She watches me. I was sitting on Bill’s lap. Big deal. Every time I start to think I am special, I realize that I am not! It was my attempt to let go since Bill turns me on. I like talking to him. He is fun to be around and the best actor here! Yet, I saw John Lindesmith looking at me, too, so I don’t know what that means. Is he mad? Is it about The Country Girl? I don’t want to do a scene from The Country Girl with him. Philip Kenneally calls me Beautiful. I like that. I hope I’m beautiful but fear I’m not. As for my mood, right now it is good. I was in an anxious mood that changed to a good mood that changed to an utter frustration mood after we did the scene. The utter frustration mood stayed with me throughout the evening. Everyone went to dinner at the Swiss Chalet. I couldn’t tune in to the fun everyone seemed to be having. I kept working at trying to keep everyone happy. After dinner, everyone went back to the Studio for lectures on acting. The first lecture was boring and took a lot of work to listen – I literally worked at listening. I was glad when it was over, and we all went to Figueroa’s. It was dark and noisy. Steve Gravers kept trying to talk to me, and I didn’t want to talk. I kept eating with my fingers. I like to eat with my fingers; everything tastes better and feels better – like me. I got scared going home, like Cinderella in a pumpkin. I made love to Darrell so that I can do what I want tomorrow. That is a must-do. But, no problem! I like making love with Darrell. He feels good and is delicious – like me…. Darrell turns me on. Always has. If I have trouble getting aroused, I imagine he is John or someone at the Studio who turns me on – like Bill McKinney. As I said, no problem!

I itch. Am I getting a yeast infection? How does one prevent that? Maybe that is what the French bidet is for. I need discipline re food. I am not sticking to my diet, whatever that is. Also, I need more sleep. I have difficulty getting up in the morning. I am glad Darrell is leaving early; I can write down my dreams if I can remember what they were. I remember dreaming last night, but I don’t remember what. I would make a note to help my memory if I didn’t like being in the bed with Darrell. I do. He is warm and soft to touch. Plus, he smells good. I left the kids home alone last night. I don’t think that is a good idea. Darrell said he had to work late. He always works late. I wonder where he really goes. Tini is barking and acting up. I am mad at him for messing up. He is getting older and doesn’t have control over himself like before. I HATE this writing – takes time and is frustrating. I obsess about beauty and health. Let’s face it – I obsess. Bottom line – I love California. I am happy for the first time ever! I feel alive!

October 4, 1969

Saturday: I awoke concerned that I must get up early to drive to San Jacinto. I have a bad taste in my mouth from smoking. And, I drink too much coffee. I looked haggard and worn-out in the mirror – tired. I felt saturated with acting and obsessed to do more – especially obsessed with the mime play; obsessed to be seen, to participate, to be a part.

Finally, I am in San Jacinto at another workshop with Ira. I hope this is going to be worth what I had to go through to get here. Darrell did not want me to leave. The children did not want me to leave. Yet, here I am. How will I ever find myself if I keep doing what others want me to do? Yet, indulging myself at a workshop retreat is selfish.

In acting class, my teacher said I have a seed that is dying to be born. He said that I must lose myself so that IT will take over; IT flows. The act acts; I am the instrument. It is not something that I want to do, rather something that wants to be done. There is nothing I cannot do if I don’t care who gets the credit. But, if I have to stoke the fire, it is taking too much energy. I must cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to me and give thanks continuously. Be sure to include all things in my gratitude because all things have contributed to my advancement. Fulfillment is a pot of flowers in full bloom. Fulfillment is finding one’s Self, and relationships have to do with this. All of us have a center out of which we operate. No one can do anything to help someone else live. The opposites are always at work. Things go against themselves. Young people will always have to tussle against something. The more that is involved, the more work it takes to make what is involved a part of one. If one is going to make a leap, one must be sure her muscles are ready. And if one makes the leap because of Will, one will probably have to make the leap again under the principle of waiting for the RIGHT moment. ― Ralph Waldo Emerson.

How did it get to be 4: 00 pm? Already time to start the trek back home. This day has been confusing at best! It is going to push me back into my head – the place I need to get out of. I am always in my head. I must learn how to combine feelings with intellect. I must remember to turn things over to Spirit. I did that regarding this weekend, and here I am! Spirit handled Darrell and this San Jacinto weekend! Spirit knows that I love Darrell. And, come to think of it, Spirit made me realize that Darrell is very patient with me. I must use extra effort to be gentle with him – not do anything to abuse that patience.

The children are another story. I am neglecting them in this spiritual pursuit. Plus, I am neglecting their spiritual growth. How does one do that? Take them to church?

Acting-wise, I am on the right track. That is great. I spoke out today with confidence. That is great, too. I want to do more speaking out and carry that confidence – to speak out – into my acting life at the Studio. Simplicity is the key. I make everything complicated. I will make life simple. Maybe I should reread my thesis and reread the book Knowing Woman: A Feminine Psychology, by Irene de Castillejo. That was a terrific read. And, I don’t like John right now. I need to dialogue with him. I will go talk to Doug Johnson. He has good insights on things.

October 5, 1969

Sunday: This has been a confusing day. I woke up happy. I dreamed about Gainesville Junior College. I was not a teacher, I was a girl-Friday, trying to do things right so everyone would like me. I wanted to prove my worth but felt ostracized and in the way. Mrs. Stowe was working the switchboard, telling me not to bother her, plugging in and pulling out plugs. Dr. Mills complimented me on the way I had stacked papers, flattering me for something insignificant.

Darrell woke me up, saying, Oh, Shit, as he got out of bed. What a way to start the day! He ruined the day before it started. Our plans were to go to Laguna for the day. I was looking forward to that. I wanted to take my yeast, get up, and go! I tried to make him happy with a good breakfast. Nothing worked. He frowned. He yelled at the children. I felt myself sinking, going down, thinking of San Jacinto, getting angry at Darrell, and feeling frustration with the children – trapped and bogged down. My life is complicated. I have to work hard to be aware of what is happening. I think of lots of happy days with John, MeRandy, and the children – before Darrell joined us in California. Was that a fluke? I think of what it would be like to be single, have money, and live in a small house without a lot of stuff. I wish I didn’t worry about the mental work required by acting. I think Darrell is waiting for the day that I work weekdays and spend weekends at home with him and the children. He wants me home on weekends. He has no need for deep experiences or spiritual growth – like I do. How do I feel about that? I allow him to get to me; I allow him to pull me down. I’m sure he reads my Journal. Do I care?

It feels good to write this. The wind is warm; the water is clear and cool; the sky is a beautiful blue. I have a favorite rock in Laguna; it feels good every time we come. I just fell asleep, lying on my stomach. I dreamed… of what? Please, Spirit, guide me. Protect me. Show me the way….

October 9, 1969

Thursday: I woke up this morning knowing I had dreamed but couldn’t remember what. I wanted to sleep. I tried to remember what I had eaten the night before, hoping that it hadn’t been too bad. My back hurt from my Rolfing treatment yesterday. My hands felt rough and dry. I yelled at the children because they always leave bikes and go-carts down the street during school. Everything made me angry. I didn’t want to drive the car pool; I didn’t want to take Blake to the doctor; I yelled at him because he opened the window too far. The eye doctor made me wait, then told me Blake’s eye operation was unsuccessful. Shit! And, now – this is the wrong notebook paper! What else?

I love Halloween. I bought decorations for the house! I got the car’s revs fixed. I paid bills. Note to self – we either need money, or I need to stop spending. At present, I am spending. I wanted to defer the bills and send out composites, but I made myself finished the bills. I sent a few composites but not many.

Tonight, I had a rehearsal. I spent time rehearsing a stupid mini-play that will be included in an evening of mini-plays instead of going to Palm Springs with Darrell. Why? I wanted to go to Palm Springs! I should have. The reason – I need to feel included in case someone sees me who can cast me in something. To make matters worse, I gossiped with Judith Doty and her boyfriend. I shouldn’t have done that – that will come back to haunt me. Judith’s boyfriend wants me to join Theatre West. I’m not interested in Theatre West – it is not prestigious, not like the Studio. I don’t want to split my focus.. Plus, which is better – Theatre West or Theatre East? Norman and Karla are supporters of Theatre West. Ugh. Connie is a member of Theatre East.

October 10, 1969

Friday: I’m frantic –confused – tired. I sabotaged my diet today – cheese, crackers, peanut butter, bread, cookies, and mashed potatoes. I am staying home because I don’t want to go to the Studio today. Jack Matcha just called. I told him I would do his play because I didn’t want to tell him no. I gossiped on the phone – putting actors down. Mother does that. So many times, I open my mouth and hear Mother. Will my children do that when they grow up? I am insecure. I need to look at my children more often. Why don’t I look at them? I moved my piano into my bedroom to get music back in my life. Darrell was kind tonight; I felt a lot of love for him. John is mad. Why?

October 11, 1969

Saturday: I am back in San Jacinto for another session. Thoughts I want to remember from the sessions today: the trip is the Promised Land. The eye of the hurricane is the center around which everything else revolves; it is empty. Whoever we are at the moment is whoever we are at the moment. Life is unfolding --- there is an intellectual time and an open time. I can never deny the fact that I have a head. I can play lots of roles but there is one central image which I am. I can function as wife, scholar, mother, actress, or guest – none of which is the central image, the ME. Pain will always be centered on yes and no. The thought of giving up everything is great; it is easier to hold onto.

Young people don’t care. If they act in a foolish way to the world, what is their wisdom? If one sets things up so that they happen without his consciously doing them, he is free to live. The better the adjustment, the better the arrangement but this seldom happens because of the uprooting of parts of the Self. That thing that is not painful is what’s natural; unnatural things are painful. The path one takes after a major break is not necessarily one’s life’s work. This may just be what is needed to get one to make the break. One doesn’t have to be searching all the time. Things are happening. One doesn’t have to whip the horse if it’s running already. There is no right or wrong; there is just an indication of where one is. Is there no movement? There is always movement. How does the tulip feel when it’s in the tulip bulb? Hibernation is movement that is right for that time in its life cycle. The time of waiting is valuable; waiting is movement because, if it doesn’t stay in the oven long enough, it won’t be fit to eat. In other words, don’t just do something; stand there! Don’t do something just to be doing something or just to be doing something for somebody else. Things happen in their own good time. Don’t waste time pushing when the time isn’t right. In other words, don’t push the river – it flows by itself.

Acting? Am I fooling myself? I say that because I am not working. Now is not the time to decide. I am too concerned with myself and my own involvement instead of observing people. Get out of myself. Enlarge my world! I have everything in my life except the capacity to quit worrying about the future. Gestalt is good.

October 12, 1969

Sunday: What a glorious day! The sky is blue; the mountains are majestic. I walked before breakfast but was hesitant to spend time alone. At breakfast, I talked to Jim and Dorothy’s daughter. She has her Ph.D. in Psychology. There were lots of good things to eat at breakfast, and I had a good talk with John about Darrell. I still feel self-conscious but not as much so. I still can’t breathe but am aware of clear, clean air.

Later: One may get a new idea or new way of life – a rebirth – before it is ready to be lived. Time is right when and if God, or the Life Force, goes that way. The new birth is a beginning that starts while another cycle is being lived. The new birth reaches its peak later as another birth begins. Chronological age isn’t to the point anymore. It is life cycles. One experiences adolescence often as well as experiences of death. And, in the second birth, one is so much younger. If the body is going to get older, something else gets much younger. Body is no impediment when that unity is present. Body and psyche need tuning each day. I have my own rhythm. I must figure out what that rhythm is and flow with it. There are awareness’ and things happening inside me that work even better without my directing them. Let them happen. Be relaxed and flexible and let IT set the rhythm.

I’m home – drying my hair. I had a wonderful

weekend. Darrell was like a little boy pouting when I got home. He was bored and mad because I had gone away. He wanted to know how often I plan to go away. I got mad and yelled at him. Why did I yell? I yelled because I want him to be stronger and to have a full life to share with me. It angers me that he doesn’t. He seems weak and insensitive to the nuances of life. I know I have so much to learn and to work at. It makes me mad that I have to cope with this. I know that it will pass and that he will get over this, but I would so love to come home and find him smiling and as glad to see me as I am to see him. I wish we were going together and experiencing this process together. I would try to get him to go with me, but I think he would ridicule it. I would then have to defend it, and I don’t want to be in that position. I am still too uncertain of everything myself. I love him anyway.

And, Darrell, if you are reading my Journal, I hope you understand. I threw an I-Ching reading. It said what Ira said, that I must be patient and do my thing. I must not push Darrell because I am vulnerable right now. Psychologically, I am still going round from my last period. Once it has passed, I will get stronger. I-Ching said that a light is burning inside me inside the earth. I know it is there and must not try to force it out. It is not ready to be born. Ira also said that I have known what it is like to be on top of a pedestal and topple. That is why I am vulnerable. That is why I must avoid risks. That is why Darrell is important to me. Later, when I am stronger, I can do more risky things, and they won’t be risky because I will be stable and not vulnerable. Ira said I have an organizing ability and a great intellect that will want outlets. He sees me getting involved in the field of theatre where acting is the entrance. He said that I must be aware and know whether it is merely vanity or not. If it is vanity and not just a creative thing, then I can relax and know that is what it is – vanity. Ira said that when I was a child, I was special. There was nothing I could not do. That seed – that specialness – wants to find an outlet in some form. What is it? Ira said that there will be people I can identify with --- friends for the future. These will be good people. He said that it will be a time when I am not constantly thinking about what people are thinking about me – how I look, how I sound, and such. It will be a time when there is not so much vanity even though there will be some. I need to think more about this.

October 13, 1969

Monday: All Darrell needs to say is I am too independent for me to get on the defensive. He says it because I do my thing. Just as I conclude I have a good marriage, it blows up in my face. I think that he hates giving me his check. I think he thinks I only write in my Journal about him, and all my notes are about him. Not true. I’m sure he’ll read this. I hope not. I hope he will respect my privacy, but I don’t think he will.

Later: I stayed home from comedy improvisation to relax and let things sink in. There’s something nice about staying home and piddling. I shaved my legs, plucked my eyebrows, cut my toenails, filed my fingernails – it was a good feeling, especially since I was depressed all day. This past weekend left me with many things to think about. It is difficult to absorb all of the deep thoughts while at the workshop. Ira’s work will be a slow process. I bought I-Ching and asked about my depression that I get from time to time. I-Ching said stick to the head – Darrell. Darrell and I talked a lot tonight. He is unhappy and depressed; he is lonely. He cried a lot. He misses Gainesville – the freedom and the friendships. My fantasy is he will return to Gainesville one day – decide to move. Then, I will have an important decision to make. I had a good rehearsal today. I tried to let go of vanity and let the Act act. It worked at times. I miss school. UCLA returned my thesis; it came today. That made me sad. I hate missing that Fellowship by one person. One person! Who knows what would have happened if I had gotten the Fellowship. I would have attended UCLA and gotten my PhD. Life would have been different. That makes me sad. Darrell would be happier; the children would be happier; and I would be frustrated – maybe. Maybe I would love being Dr. MacIntyre. Darrell is wondering where he has failed as a parent. He thinks Craig is impossible because he won’t feed the dogs or pick up his clothes or towels. He says Craig is not like he was. Darrell thinks he has to do things because Craig won’t. Will Darrell ever see what he is doing to his sons? I want him to be someone I can look up to. Well, at least, I want him to be a good father who is kind.

October 18, 1969

Saturday: I woke up happy and went shopping. When I came home, Darrell had read my Journal! I cried and got terribly depressed. That managed to ruin the rest of the day. Even though I went to The Studio to the Mini-Plays, I stayed upset.

October 21, 1969

Tuesday: I had an image of a geyser gushing out of the ground. I dreamed I am in a church, singing. I am singing alto, but I want to sing soprano. I am new to the group. I get up and leave Alice Burt there; she is visiting. I join two others with long hair to sing soprano. I like this better. Then it is time to go. Alice and I get a red and a blue hymnal to take home. I am concerned because I think that we are stealing them since we have already taken two hymnals home. I fear the church won’t have any more hymnals if we keep taking them home. I dreamed that I am on a mountain road and the road keeps giving out from under me. I have to stop for gas several times. Next, I dreamed that someone is mowing lawns; I am helping. The lawnmower gives out of gas, and the extra gas tank is empty. I get it filled and start mowing again. There are two lawnmowers. One is my favorite; I get it to use. My job is to mow on the hills. And then I dreamed that I am at Sadie’s Hair Salon. There are a lot of people there. Somehow, it is Larry Smith’s house, and everyone is drinking. I have a late date with Sadie’s husband, Hoyt. However, it is really a date with Ronny Coven at Wade’s house. I don’t know what to wear since we will be making love. I am excited; it is a special occasion.

October 22, 1969

Wednesday: I did my scene with Gerry O’Loughlin last night at the Studio. I am proud of the good work that I did. I am moving ahead. I got compliments from Sybil, Judy Howard, John Ztingland, Jennifer Gans, Lou Wagner, Chris White, Allen Vint, Steve Gravers, Sara Vardi, and Bill McKinney. I am learning; I am maturing as an actress. Three of my wants have come true. I have an agent; I have less tension in my neck and shoulders; and I am respected by Lou Antonio – or rather, my work is respected by Lou. He said so. I dreamed that I am somewhere on a lake. All the men have gone out in a large boat. Someone comes and tells me to come see what has happened. I look and see a horrible catastrophe with amputated bodies floating around. People are diving for bodies. I hope some are still alive. I discover Billy Collins is alive, and I am happy. Someone patches him up; he is as good as new. That makes me happy. I dreamed I am traveling on a road along the coast and wondering why my dreams are gory.

October 23, 1969

Thursday: I dreamed that Darrell shoots a hole in my leg to the bone because of Warren Lyons. I don’t even know who Warren Lyons is. I am surprised. Then, I dreamed that I have a role in a play, but I am not the lead. That makes me unhappy. I want to be the lead. Plus, I am unhappy because Ann Hickman has the lead. Image, an ugly, monkey-like man keeps changing his faces, and a girl is trying to get me to eat yarn.

I am frustrated, unhappy, and depressed. I feel myself slipping into old patterns, and I don’t know how to stop it. Last night and yesterday, everything Darrell did or said made me mad, especially when he yelled at me about my phone call to Rosemary. Then, I went to lunch and ate a lot of Mexican food when I wasn’t even hungry. I spent money on clothes when I have more than I can wear. At least I had a good time shopping with Tracy. We went to the grocery store, the library, and the art store to get art supplies. We have fun together!

Later: Darrell and I went to The Stew Kettle for dinner and saw The Rain People afterwards. I now have heartburn and am disappointed that I make eating bad food a way of life. I wanted to stay home last night, but I made myself go because Darrell wanted to. But, I should have stayed home; my body was flooded with adrenalin and very tense. I told Darrell I want to substitute teach. Do I? Did I just say that because we need money? I am willing to work if I can find a job that requires little to no effort. Teaching is easy for me. Plus, it gives me a feeling of power and a feeling of importance, which I miss. I am afraid. I need to talk to John, but he won’t want to listen to me. I don’t want to dump troubles on Ann or anyone. Yet, I need someone to listen. I would like to go to Bob Martin, but he won’t have time and he costs money. Plus, the maroon coat is driving me crazy. Yesterday, I found myself holding onto myself. I’m doing it today, too. I called Bob; he is not in his office today. Harry at UCLA is not helping. Clothes will help. I will buy clothes. My stomach is sticking out, yet Hadidjah says not to exercise. She says exercise makes my muscles gummy. I don’t want my muscles gummy, yet that is the only way I know to get a firm body. A dilemma. The Studio is all I have, and I feel I may lose it. If I do an audition and don’t get in, what will I do? So many people fail the audition. But, maybe I won’t fail. Why do I continually put myself into that category? Everybody is not me. Why this anxiety? It is really not Darrell. It is me!

I didn’t take Blake to the eye doctor. That is not good. Oh, hell, I’m tired of doing anything at all. I just want to stay home and be quiet. I try to be superwoman searching for my niche. I dreamed that I am doing a play. It fits together with the I-Ching. I don’t get credit, but I don’t care. Credit is unimportant to me. Darrell says my one true love is John because I talk to him and then feel better. That is not true; John is gay. My one true love is Darrell. Why can’t he see that? The song in my head is, Yesterday, all my troubles seemed to go away; and there’ll be spring every year without you. This was a day on earth; I was in it. I talked to John. He said that Darrell is a deep part of me, and I am waiting for the pain which will never come. I may have to sit for three days until this fear leaves. But, so much is happening, and it scares me. That is because I am changing. Thoughts about the Studio made me sad because I realize that I have reached the fulfillment of a goal. The next goal is spiritual. I am not sure what is meant by ego-taught. I didn’t complete this part of me, and I may have to be taught again. I’m not sure what that means.

October 24, 1969

Friday: I am sorry I won’t be going to UCLA to get my Ph.D. I think I would meet interesting people there and be stimulated. Is this pursuit of acting a flight out of boredom? I don’t know. What should I do? Should I go back to school and get my Ph.D.? No. This is difficult, but I will do it. I don’t remember dreaming. I-Ching tells me that I must develop my inner self; then, the career will happen. I’m reading Siddhartha. I wish I were going to the Girard weekend retreat. Hadidjah said that I am not as messed up or as mixed up as I lead others to believe. She doesn’t buy it. She said that my left side appears to be less healthy than my right, but it is actually healthier than my right! My right side looks better but is messed up!! There are two sides fighting each other inside of me! Bill Smithers also said something like this in acting class. Hadidjah said go with the pain; that is the only way to give in to it and to accept change. If I can go with the pain, that will help me process the struggle taking place inside of me.

October 25, 1969

Saturday: All of us are going to the Expo at Bellagio Elementary School today. I dreamed that I am driving on a highway going around a mountain. I am about to fall off the edge. I don’t look down. As a result, I make it. I dreamed Ann Hickman is discovered by a television producer and stars in a television show at GJC. The song in my head upon awakening was The Impossible dream. I remembered being tense during the night with my elbow sticking up in the air.

Hadidjah won’t Rolf my face. She says I have to go to someone who specializes in faces. That’s a bummer. And, I have gained; I now weigh 122 lbs. I must lose weight. Drinking alcohol makes me swell. I feel blah and sort of headachy today. I finally got in to see Bob Martin and his girlfriend Jean last night. Why is she always in my sessions with him? I might try a fast one of these days. John does them all the time. I wrote Rosemary yesterday. I hope I helped her. Today is a nice fall day. I am in the mood to clean out, to simplify. Maybe I will clean something out this afternoon. I feel less anxious today. Maybe I need to spend more quiet time at home. I got a letter from Dr. Mills yesterday. It made me cry. That letter meant a lot to me – his show of faith in me. That is lacking in my life. No one has faith in me – not my family of origin or my family here. I never had support from my family. Speaking of my family, I talked to Mother, Daddy, and Patricia. But, it was when I talked to Dr. Mills that I started to cry. I finished reading Siddhartha; I loved it! It is a beautiful story and feels like my life. Self-discipline is my weakness; I must work on acquiring self-discipline. How does one acquire self-discipline? Can it be acquired?

Later: I just wasted an evening – just like the evenings I wasted in Gainesville when Darrell and I would throw money away at the Chattahoochee Country Club, spending time with boring people. Maybe my judge is working overtime, but Bill Tomlinson aka William J. Tomlinson, Chief of Criminal Division, U.S. Justice Department, Los Angeles, is against everything! Jackie is sweet but boring. Darrell has his own trip, and I have mine. I need to look for ways to continue my trip. If he wants to come, fine; if not, I’ll go without him. I love my trip; it leaves me feeling full. Going with him on his trip leaves me feeling empty and useless. I am not mad at Darrell. I’m disappointed he doesn’t share or fill my needs, which are strong. I guess no one can fill my needs but me. OK. I am up to the task. It may take a while, but I will do it – a step at a time. It makes me sad that Darrell and Tracy cannot get along. He and Mother don’t know how to relate to young girls who are growing up. I think Tracy has been taken advantage of at some point in time. How do I know? I don’t. It is a feeling I have. I can feel her hurt and humiliation. I wonder what happened, if anything. I may never know. She is good at keeping secrets. Oh, Boy! I’m so tight, see also drunk, yet frustrated. That seems to be my key word – frustrated. Spirit, help me, help us all.

October 26, 1969.

Sunday: Believe it or not, it is a Red Letter Day! I feel content tonight. We all