What Did You Say? The Art of Giving and Receiving Feedback

The Art of Giving and Receiving Feedback

Second Revised Edition

by

Charles Seashore

Edith Whitfield Seashore

Gerald M. Weinberg

SMASHWORDS EDITION

PUBLISHED BY:

Gerald M. Weinberg on Smashwords

What Did You Say? The Art of Giving and Receiving Feedback:

Second Revised Edition

Copyright © 2013 by Gerald M. Weinberg

All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

Smashwords Edition License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal use only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the authors' work.

We dedicate this book to

Becky, Chris, John, Kim, Nick, and Quincy

from whom we've gotten our most valuable feedback.

Contents

Foreword to the Second Edition

Part 1. Facts and Fantasies about Feedback

Chapter 1. What is Feedback?

Chapter 2. Models of Feedback

Part 2. Giving Feedback

Chapter 3. The Compulsion to Give Feedback

Chapter 4. Giving Feedback When Invited

Chapter 5. The Fear of Giving Feedback

Part 3. Receiving Feedback

Chapter 6. Why Feedback Is Mysterious

Chapter 7. The Feedback Prevention Law

Chapter 8. Finding People to Give You Feedback

Chapter 9. Asking for Feedback

Chapter 10. What Aren't They Saying?

Part 4. Feedback as a Process of Interaction

Chapter 11. The Context of Feedback

Chapter 12. Elements of Feedback Messages

Chapter 13. Additional Sources of Difficulty

Chapter 14. Checking Out Interactive Feedback

Part 5. Facilitating Improved Interactions

Chapter 15. Clarity and Intimacy

Chapter 16. Clarity and Self Worth

Chapter 17. Increasing the Amount and Quality of Feedback

Chapter 18. Timing Your Feedback

Chapter 19. Congruent Response

Chapter 20. Feedback Artistry

Chapter 21. The Feedback Challenge

Chapter 22. Feedback From Yourself

Further Resources for Learning about Feedback

Foreword to the Second Edition

It's now 2013, which means that What Did You Say? has been educating an entire generation of learners–twenty-two years. Charlie and Edie and I have also been learning new things about feedback during that time. When we wrote the book, we planned to issue a new edition every twenty-five years, but the world doesn't always approve of human plans. We had just begun to discuss the possibility of the new edition being in an ebook format when Charlie decided to leave this world for a far better one somewhere up in the heavens.

Charlie and Edie were a lovely and loving couple, so close for so many years they were a model to hundreds of other couples who were their students. They were so close that Edie decided to join Charlie about a month after he passed to that other world. We all miss them immensely, but so far, though I came close a few years ago, I haven't joined them.

When I finally accepted that they were gone, I realized that if we were to fulfill our plans for a second edition, it was up to me–and I'd better not delay. So, I gather the notes we've been accumulating over twenty-two years and crafted them into this new edition.

I intend to keep gathering notes (using my Fieldstone Method), but I doubt if I'll be around in another twenty-two years to create a third edition. So, if you want our latest words on feedback, you'd probably beg, borrow, steal, or buy a copy of this second edition.

Part 1. Facts and Fantasies about Feedback

Life is one man gettin' hugged for sneakin' a kiss 'n another gettin' slapped.

Most people buy books on subjects they know about, but want to know more about–not on subjects they know nothing about. If that's true of you, then you may already know quite a bit about feedback–that's why you've picked up this book.

It's a good thing when a reader begins a book with a head start on the subject–yet it can also create problems. In this instance, there are so many different meanings and connotations to the word feedback–depending on the discipline or specialized field in which it is being used–that each reader may know something different about feedback.

Chapter 1. What is Feedback?

Here is the idea about feedback upon which we are basing this book. Feedback can be defined as:

  information about past behavior

  delivered in the present

  which may influence future behavior.

Examples of Feedback at Work

To clarify this definition, here are three examples of feedback:

Example #1.  Alice, an accounting supervisor in a construction company, had an outstanding record for high quality work carried out in a timely manner. She often wondered why other people got promoted to jobs for which she was better qualified. Brenda, who worked for her, also noticed that Alice always came in second. One day, at lunch, she remarked, You know, Alice, I think a big reason you don't get promoted is that you lack visibility, professionally and in the community. Alice gave a speech on the new tax code at the local chapter of Administrative Management Society, and became chair of the public library board's financial committee. In five months, she was promoted.

Example #2.  Arthur, an assistant manager in a branch bank, also had an outstanding record for high quality work carried out in a timely manner. He, too, often wondered why other people got promoted to jobs for which he was better qualified.  Brent, his manager, also noticed that Arthur always came in second. One day, on the golf course, he remarked, You know, Arthur, I think a big reason you don't get promoted is that you lack visibility, professionally and in the community. Arthur was a panel member in a debate on auditing at the local chapter of Auditors' Club, and became fund raising chairman of the zoological society. His opinions on the panel offended a great many people, and his stand on refrigeration for the polar bear cages irritated even more. In five months, he lost his job.

Example #3.  Amy, a sales team leader in a recreational equipment company, also had an outstanding record for high quality work carried out in a timely manner. She, too, often wondered why other people got promoted to jobs for which she was better qualified. Her colleague, Bert, also noticed that Amy always came in second. One day, in the elevator, he remarked, You know, Amy, I think a big reason you don't get promoted is that you lack visibility, professionally and in the community. Amy said, Thank you for telling me that, but as she wasn't interested in promotions, she didn't do anything about it. In five months, she was still in the same job, doing high quality work carried out in a timely manner–and quite happy about it. Two years later, she got promoted to sales manager, and was very happy about that, too.

Feedback May Influence Future Behavior

Alice, Arthur, and Amy each received feedback about their approach to their work, including things they did and didn't do. Indeed, they each received the same feedback: A big reason you don't get promoted is that you lack visibility, professionally and in the community. But since the influence of feedback depends on who receives it, they each experienced a different outcome.

Example #1.  Alice used the information about her visibility to try some new approaches, and succeeded in reaching her objective, a promotion.

Example #2.  Arthur used the information about his visibility to try some new approaches, and succeeded in offending a lot of important people. His reward was getting fired.

Example #3.  Amy heard the information, appreciated it for the way it was intended, but regarded it as irrelevant to her career. She did essentially nothing, but life went on, anyway.

The concept of feedback comes from cybernetics, the theory of control. We can see from these three examples, however, that feedback may influence future behavior, it doesn't necessarily control anything.

What The Process of Feedback Looks Like

Feedback in cybernetics emphasizes the concept of a closed loop in a system providing a control function. The thermostat controlling the temperature in a room; the automatic pilot controlling the motions of an airplane; both are classic examples of cybernetic feedback systems.

In other words, cybernetics tells us that feedback is a relationship between two systems which can be visualized in a simple diagram (Figure_1.1):

________________________________________

1. A does something

2. B notices what A does or doesn't do

3. B responds to what A did or didn't do

4. A notices that B responds

5. A decides what if anything to do about B's response

6. A does something (which takes us back to 1.)

________________________________________

Figure_1.1. The simple feedback diagram.

Applied to our three human examples, what this diagram says is that:

  A (Alice, Arthur, or Amy) does something.

  B (Brenda, Brent, or Bert) notices what A does, or doesn't do.

  B responds to what A does. or doesn't do.

  A notices that B responds.

  A makes a decision what, if anything, to do about B's response.

Although the diagram may seem simple, notice that, in the language of cybernetics, it forms a closed loop. Once A responds to B responding to A's response, then the whole cycle reverses and repeats.

A loop represents a relationship between two systems, in this case, two people. It could go on indefinitely, or it can come to a stop. Once it gets going, the closed loop resembles the chicken-egg problem. It may start with the most trivial action by A, but the final interaction can explode all out of proportion to the beginning.

In such a situation, it's not always reasonable to say that A's opening action is the cause of the interaction. This breakdown of simple cause and effect is one of the reasons that feedback is sometimes so confusing. On the other hand, without the concept of closed feedback loop, we may never be able to understand human interactions at all.

Why is Feedback Important?

If we want to build, maintain, or test our relationships, feedback is our only source of information. Without feedback, how could we test the reality of our perceptions, reactions, observations, or intentions? If we want to share our feelings, what other way do we have but feedback? If we want to influence someone to start, stop, or modify their behavior, how else but feedback? In short, feedback is critical every time you interact with anybody, about anything.

Carl Rogers, the psychologist, observed that one of our most powerful needs is to be heard and understood. Without feedback, what would keep us from inventing our own reality? Without feedback, how could we distinguish between what's going on inside us and what's happening in the rest of the world?

At work, we see many examples of feedback, because feedback is fundamental to helping anyone who wishes to improve their performance, reach an objective, or avoid unpleasant reactions to their efforts. Feedback enables people to join with other people to achieve more than any one could achieve alone. Feedback also lets us avoid people who will obstruct our efforts.

Feedback is also important for keeping performance the same when the environment changes. For instance, now that she has a new job, Alice will need feedback to adjust her outside activities to her new situation.

Under some conditions, feedback may become critical to our very survival. Without response for stimulation, people withdraw, hallucinate, and eventually die. In the work situation, the worst punishment you can inflict on a person is to isolate them from all co-workers, with nothing whatsoever to do.

Why is feedback so universally important? Our environment is constantly changing, so we can't survive unless we adapt, grow, and achieve with others. But, unless we can do magic, we need information about how we performed in the past in order to improve our performance in the future.

The Secrets of Interaction

Which brings us to the subject of you. If you want to change your behavior in some way, or to preserve your behavior in a changing environment, it's not likely to happen by magic. You will need some kind of feedback.

Why? Feedback is a systems concept. We are used to thinking of airplanes or computers or businesses or governments as systems. You may not think of yourself that way, but you're a system, too. Of course, you're a much more complex system than, say, an airplane. Although airplanes need very expensive feedback control systems, you need the finest feedback that money can buy.

In fact, if you want to make significant changes in your life, you'll probably need something better than money can buy. You'll probably need information from other people about what impact you have on them, and that can only be obtained by a process of give and take.

We call that kind of information interpersonal feedback. This book is about how to give interpersonal feedback, how to take it, and how to make the most of what you give and take. It's about sifting the important from the irrelevant, distinguishing the information from the distortions, and seeing the patterns in a series of specific instances. It's about adding new information without becoming confused or incoherent. And, finally, it's about how to maximize the conditions in which you can share your thoughts and feelings with others.

Examples of Interpersonal Feedback at Work

Although interpersonal feedback is essential in all aspects of your life, we're going to focus on your work life, where you already have an invaluable collection of experiences. If something you learn at work happens to influence other aspects of your life, consider it a bonus.

Let's look at one series of examples of feedback that one person might receive at work. Sally is an accountant, and all these things happened to her on one Friday. Are any of them familiar in your own typical day at work?

During a morning meeting with clients, Sally corrects an error in one of Jack's figures. The client is angry with Jack. After the meeting, Jack screams at Sally and tells her that she did the same thing two years ago. Then the boss calls her in to his office where he congratulates her on her sharp vision.

At lunch in the cafeteria, Sally coughs without covering her mouth. Willard turns the other way, Sylvia raises her eyebrow, and Jack makes no visible response.

After lunch, Sally interviews a potential new client. The client compliments her on her suit, but later she hears that