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    When Love Is a Lie - Narcissistic Partners & the (Pathological) Relationship Agenda
    When Love Is a Lie - Narcissistic Partners & the (Pathological) Relationship Agenda
    When Love Is a Lie - Narcissistic Partners & the (Pathological) Relationship Agenda
    Ebook133 pages2 hours

    When Love Is a Lie - Narcissistic Partners & the (Pathological) Relationship Agenda

    By Zari Ballard

    4.5/5

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    About this ebook

    Developing a codependency to a partner who has a narcissistic or psychopathic personality will cause nothing but turmoil in our lives. We stay in the relationship, thinking that we can "fix" this person and love them out of their bad behavior, but the truth is that narcissists - just like sociopaths and psychopaths - can never be fixed...not with love, therapy, or any magic pill Our codependency and suffering fulfills the narcissist's pathological relationship agenda and makes them feel alive.

    Do the behaviors of your partner continually cause you to feel suspicious or uncomfortable? Are you being subjected to silent treatments and other forms of maddening passive-aggressive punishments? Do you find yourself walking on eggshells trying to avoid a hurtful silent treatment or narcissistic confrontation? Does it appear that your partner creates chaos (even during good times) just to keep you feeling anxious and insecure? Are you making yourself crazy trying to figure it all out? Answer "yes" to one or all of the above and it's likely you're involved with someone who a narcissistic personality disorder.

    When Love Is a Lie is an informational anecdote that helps you to recognize the narcissistic abuse, understand your codependency to the chaos, and then get on the right path to mentally breaking free from the nonsense. Breaking free mentally is the key to breaking free altogether from someone with a narcissistic or psychopathic tendencies and Ms. Ballard provides a way to begin this process. She offers a logical perspective that comes complete with reasons for leaving that you simply can't argue against! It is a doable solution that will get you on the right path to becoming narcissist-free...

    Understand how and why a partner with a narcissistic or psychopathic personality...

    ....will never be able to attain - or even pretend to have - the very special and love-worthy human qualities (the undeniable truths!) that are essential to life itself. Use these truths as a foolproof way to begin mentally breaking free from a narcissist!

    ....will, over time, deliberately and methodically manage down our relationship expectations so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more

    ....will use the Silent Treatment and similar demoralizing methods of control to punish those who dare to call them out on questionable behaviors

    ....will create constant chaos and turmoil even - and especially - during the "good" times as a tactic of keeping you in a heightened state of co-dependent anxiety

    ....will juggle many, many relationships at once - often for years on end - with no one being the wiser...not even you

    ....lies even when the truth is a better story

    When Love is a Lie provides confirmation and validation that, indeed, you are neither alone nor crazy. This little book may just have the magic answer....the perspective you've been looking for...the reality check you need to leave the abusive lover and find your way back to the sane world...

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherZari Ballard
    Release dateJun 10, 2013
    ISBN9781301745548
    When Love Is a Lie - Narcissistic Partners & the (Pathological) Relationship Agenda
    Author

    Zari Ballard

    Zari is a Freelance Writer/Author (and single mom) who resides with her son in sunny Tucson, AZ. Born and raised in Rhode Island, Zari, then an aspiring journalist, graduated from Rhode Island College with a B A in Mass Media Communications/English and headed out from the ocean state for a life in the Southwest.In 2005, when her son's diagnosis with child-onset schizophrenia changed everything, Zari set aside the executive rat race in lieu of a home-based career as a Freelance Writer. A leap of faith that could have gone either way, the choice to work from home was meant-to-be and she has never looked back.Motivated by the success of her first book, "When Love Is a Lie", Zari has since published four additional books about narcissism in relationships: "Stop Spinning, Start Breathing", a journal-style workbook about narcissist abuse recovery, "Narcissism In a Nutshell", a quick start guide to understanding narcissistic behaviors, "When Evil Is a Pretty Face", providing support for male victims of female narcissists, and now, in 2021, "Vacancy In the (Relationship) Rabbit Hole", a complete guide to a full recovery from narcissist abuse.Zari continues to provide support to narcissist abuse victims via one-on-one counseling, through her website, thenarcissisticpersonality.com, and also at her YouTube channel where she discusses in detail all aspects of narcissism in relationships.

    Read more from Zari Ballard

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    Reviews for When Love Is a Lie - Narcissistic Partners & the (Pathological) Relationship Agenda

    4.5/5

    19 ratings5 reviews

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    • 5/5
      I've read so many books, I've watched so many videos about NPD, but this was an eye opening and I want to say thank you.
      Thank you so much for your honesty, for your vulnerability and the courage to share your story, it brought so much clarity and it validated my own experience.
    • 5/5
      excellent! very close to a family where the husband was like this. Divorced now. My family suffered some collateral damage. Now picking up the pieces.
    • 4/5
      Zari's story will undoubtedly resonate & encourage anyone who is suffering the bondage & abuse at the hands of a narcissist in a male/female relationship. I felt the occasions where the blog entries/website entries were referenced could have been more clear contextually or in dialogue. This book, like several others I've read on Scribd, either suffers grammatically from some sort of electronic translation, or Zari needs to find a new editor & hire a proofreader. It's not that bad, but it's unfortunate. Worth reading.

      It also seems the author was in part bound to this abuser by the sexual satisfaction obtained through this relationship, yet this aspect was not explored. It clear this was pre-marital sex, & the author doesn't seem to acknowledge that in a way, she signed up for this voluntarily through her own lust for this man, & by abandoning traditional courtship, commitments, etc. There was also room left out of this short book an exploration of her previous two marriages in greater detail, & how the pain & damage from those relationships perhaps predisposed her to be taken advantage of by someone like this user & abuser, and/or to lower her standards of her own behavior as well as what she was willing to tolerate. However, it seems this book was written not long after the demise of the relationship, & perhaps these were not things she was yet aware of or ready to think & write about. Hopefully, there will be a 2nd edition. Again - worth reading, especially if you are in an abusive relationship similar to this one.

      1 person found this helpful

    • 5/5
      Really good content I had very little understanding of that type of personality and lifestyle. Would recommend to my girl friends.
      I loved the audio version and listening in my phone helped me read through this book faster

      1 person found this helpful

    • 5/5
      loved this book! finally someone who labels narcissists exactly what they are - motherfuckers!!! I've read so many books where the author beseeches victims to 'be understanding' or 'let it go'. my anger and disgust at who he is is what's keeping him safely out of my life... authentic book written by someone with the identical story as me... identical!!!! crazy!

      1 person found this helpful

    Book preview

    When Love Is a Lie - Narcissistic Partners & the (Pathological) Relationship Agenda - Zari Ballard

    When Love is a Lie

    Published by Zari Ballard @ Smashwords

    Copyright@2013 Zari Ballard

    SMASHWORDS

    Smashwords Edition, License Notes

    This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only,

    Important Notes to Readers:

    1. In this book, when I refer to narcissists and psychopaths as being of the male gender, it is only for the sake of convenience and because I speak in great detail about my own relationship experience. I certainly don’t believe that narcissists, psychopaths, and other toxic people only exist as boyfriends/husbands. In fact, female narcissists, in my opinion, will often push the envelope much farther than their male counterparts simply because society allows them a better chance of getting away with it. So, please…I welcome any reader who has experienced a narcissistic partner.

    2. When Love Is a Lie is written from my own personal perspective and is deliberately non-clinical in content. In other words, I don't provide medical explanations for narcissistic behavior (of which there are many) or encourage cutting a narcissistic partner any slack whatsoever. There are plenty books out there that do just that. This book is about the reality of the situation. Because of the often – and very deliberate - passive-aggressive nature of narcissism, unless a person has experienced the abuse first-hand, it is unlikely that they will understand the severity of what I describe. That being said, I am confident that all others will understand exactly what I am talking about.

    Thank you for reading…..

    Table of CONTENTS

    Copyright

    Table of Contents

    Important Notes to Reader

    Introduction: The Pretender

    Chapter I: Something Wicked

    Chapter II: The Relationship Agenda

    Chapter III: Recognize the Signs

    Chapter IV: Settling for Crumbs

    Chapter V: The Undeniable Truths

    Chapter VI: The No Boundaries Philosophy

    Chapter VII: Two C’s & a False Sense of Entitlement

    Chapter VIII: The Power of Projected Chaos

    Chapter IX: Smoke & Mirrors

    Chapter X: Managing Down Our Expectations

    Chapter XI: The Beginning

    Chapter XII: Things Just Don’t Add Up

    Chapter XIII: Picking His Victims

    Chapter XIV: No Contact

    Chapter XV: A Deal-Breaker Checklist

    Chapter XVI: Final Words of Wisdom

    ABOUT THE AUTHOR

    Introduction: The Pretender

    The narcissist/psychopath (N/P) is quite a conniving character. From the moment he discovers our potential, he begins to target our vulnerabilities, laying the groundwork for his pathological relationship agenda. He reads us like a book and then concocts an agenda game plan from which he will never waiver - even if it takes years. In the beginning, he’ll woo us and idolize us until he succeeds in getting us all wrapped up. Although he isn’t the slightest bit capable of expressing sympathy, empathy, love, or any type of true human emotion, the N/P has learned to mimic certain emotions to get what he wants. Because his relationship agenda must be fulfilled, he will always strive to be the ultimate pretender and the best emotional impersonator possible. Emotions, to a narcissist or psychopath, are, after all, a means to an end.

    To the pathologically weary N/P, the outside world is filled to the brim with (sigh) emotional fools that he must unfortunately tolerate…boring love people who always want to do the right thing. The fact that he must tolerate these fools in order to generate narcissistic supply is annoying (to say the least) but he overlooks this because the rewards are plenty. If tolerating is the key to winning the prize and fulfilling his agenda…well, the N will tolerate, use, abuse, impersonate, and pretend until the end of time. He may not have emotions but he certainly understands them. After all, to become the perfect pretender, a narcissist or psychopath has had to hone his people-reading skills his whole life, thus ensuring his ability to turn unsuspecting humans into narcissistic, psychopathic supply. My ex-N bragged many times to me about this particular talent. I’m really good at reading people…I can figure a person out in five seconds, he’d say with a smirk. And I’d be thinking, "I bet you can, motherfucker, because that’s what you do."

    After the narcissist has idolized a victim for a good length of time, he then waits for his queue to begin the long, drawn out process of devaluing her so that he can eventually discard her in the most hurtful way possible. To the narcissist, this queue, which is always the same, is indicated at the precise moment that his new partner dares to call him out or question a suspicious behavior for the very first time. When this happens (and from experience, he knows it will), he then happily moves into the devalue stage of the agenda. The devalue stage is the carefully calculated pre-discard stage where a passive-aggressive punishment like the silent treatment – among other forms of control – would begin to occur. This stage of the agenda is particularly important to the narcissist because it affirms that he will always win no matter how suspicious his behavior or ridiculous his story. To stay prepared for worst case scenarios, the ever-resourceful N/P also begins prowling around during this time, meticulously lining up new sources of supply to ensure that he never has to go without if, by chance, the tables turn.

    To devalue his partner, a narcissist/psychopath begins to cheat (if he hasn’t already), deliberately lies about everything (even if the truth is a better story), subjects her to silent treatments and other passive-aggressive punishments (for no apparent reason), and generally treats her like shit. To the victim, this sudden change in behavior is shocking and she’ll usually succumb to the control fairly quickly so as not to make waves. She may become frantic trying to figure it all out, apologizing for the sole purpose of apologizing even though she hasn’t the slightest clue what happened. The N/P, in turn, will blow hot and cold, adding to her confusion and desperation. When he’s not ignoring her completely, he’ll create chaos on a daily basis for the sole purpose of keeping her off-balance and in a heightened state of anxiety. It is the pattern of behaviors on both sides that give the pathological narcissist an ongoing thrill, making him feel alive, in charge, and unstoppable. His partner’s instability and pain turns him on.

    Suffering emotional abuse at the hands of a partner with a narcissistic or psychopathic personality disorder can be indescribable for the victim and hard to understand for anyone on the outside looking in. Typically pathological liars, always chronic cheaters, and entirely void of conscience and empathy, partners who have this type of personality have a specific modus operandi...a deviant relationship agenda that is only satisfied by the suffering of others. Victims are seduced, discarded, and then seduced again... over and over and over… in a vicious cycle of abuse that seems to never end because, for a narcissist, it never gets old. And, as the narcissist intends, the victim typically develops a codependency to the madness trying to figure it all out - and around and around it goes. For me, the pattern of seduce-and-discard repeated like clockwork hundreds of times for twelve long years. Somewhere in the seventh or eighth year, I discovered what and who he was – a narcissist – and I still stayed, hoping I was wrong and this could all be fixed. That was not the case.

    Understand that my purpose in writing this book is not to tell you my sad tale (although you’ll hear plenty about it) because you, me, all of us… we know the drill. However, because we’re not talking serial killers here….because, as the ultimate pretenders, narcissists and psychopaths can and will seek us out under normal situations, I thought it beneficial to share the rather typical scenario of my narcissistic hell. In doing that, I’ll also provide you tools for recognizing narcissistic behavior and our codependency to the pathological relationship agenda. I’ll present a new set of reasons for breaking free - reasons aside from the fact that the N is abusive because that reason never seems to be big enough, I know. I feel strongly that these new reasons (and I call them my undeniable truths) would – if there were such a thing - be right up there in the top ten defining/indicating factors of true human-to-human goodness in this life. By coming to understand and accept them, as I did, I can promise you that any separation anxiety or pain that comes from leaving – or being left by – a person who doesn’t or can never live up to those standards is much easier to bear. This is the way it worked for me and I feel confident it can work this way for you as well.

    So, prepare to enter the world of narcissists and psychopaths ….the stomping ground for all of life’s evil pretenders…a place where names of offenders are interchangeable, misery is never without company, and the clock is ticking to save the rest of your life.

    Chapter I: Something Wicked

    They lie even when the truth is a better story...I don't know exactly where I read that line - or if it even referred to narcissism - but I never forgot it. To me, it so perfectly described the wickedness of the narcissistic mentality….the chilling way that everything about anything a narcissist says or does is based on a lie. Whether a narcissist lies by making things up or by leaving things out is inconsequential because he or she is always up to no good and keeping secrets is a priority. Oh yes, and there are always secrets…so many, in fact, that a narcissist will tell a lie even if the truth is a better story…even if the truth would keep him out of trouble or dissuade our suspicions. Some believe this happens because the narcissist actually believes the lie but I disagree. I think that a narcissist lies (all the time) because it’s an easy way to devastate the recipient and because lying allows the narcissist/psychopath to recreate himself at will (and on a whim), thus creating an environment where he can always be giving himself props for getting away with something. To a narcissist, just like emotions, lies are a means to an end.

    It is the outright wickedness of the pathological narcissist that is truly mind-boggling and if I thought, by writing this book, that I could cathartically cleanse myself of the

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