When Life Was Unfair... How One Man Survived... And Learned How To Cope

When life was unfair ...

How one man survived ...

And learned how to cope

Robert J. Samores

Copyright ©2013 by Robert J. Samores

All rights reserved.

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Acknowledgements:

Editorial assistance provided by Holly Hoover

Cover design provided by AmeriCopy Printing Inc.

Dedication – Inspiration from total strangers

I selected the word inspiration because it truly describes the origins and the impetus for the writing of my book. The staff at the Comprehensive Cancer Center at Exempla Saint Joseph Hospital deserves the credit for injecting the idea of writing into my cancer recovery process.

Members of the staff at the Comprehensive Cancer Center (CCC) were the source of the idea of my writing this book. The grand opening for the CCC was held on a Sunday in October 2009. That day, I serendipitously met the two women who would ultimately be responsible for initiating my writing.

When I arrived at the CCC, I needed to find a coat rack for my trench coat. A large tent had been set up in the parking lot in front of the building and it was heated. A lovely woman greeted me with a smile at the front door, and directed me to a coat rack just inside. Weeks later when I attended my first nutrition class in November, I recognized Shari Oakland (Oncology Dietitian) as the woman who initially greeted me at the grand opening. She is truly responsible for my writing.

When the program ended at the grand opening, everyone was invited to tour the facility and to enjoy a buffet of food and desserts. While waiting in line for the food buffet, I talked with the man next to me about the Denver Broncos. He turned out to be the husband of Jeanice Hansen (Oncology Social Worker), who offered the writing class. She used a book entitled Writing Out the Cancer Storm.

After completing the classes in the nutrition program offered by Shari Oakland, I felt comfortable enough to confide in her that I was not sure what to do next. I told her that I felt stuck in my cancer recovery process. She suggested that I talk to a psychologist and a social worker at the CCC, and then she referred me to them.

I met first with Kelly Glaze (Psychology Resident in Psychosocial Oncology) and started seeing her every two weeks. Shortly thereafter, I attended the writing class offered by Jeanice Hansen and wrote my first vignette for the next meeting.

After Kelly reviewed the first vignette that I wrote for the writing class, she encouraged me to continue writing as part of my cancer recovery therapy. Initially, I wrote four vignettes for each of our meetings. Kelly would read each one and ask me probing questions about how I felt about what I had written.

Christine DeVore (Psychology Resident in Psychosocial Oncology) took over when Kelly's residency ended. Christine continued the process that Kelly had started, but she brought a different perspective into what we discussed every two weeks. When I finished my sessions with her, I was done drafting the vignettes. The rest was written on my own, but it would never have happened without the CCC staff!

Dedication – Perspiration by a true friend

I chose the word perspiration because it captured the tremendous amount of time, energy, and effort that Holly Hoover put into editing and critiquing my book for me.

My book might not have come to fruition without the encouragement offered by Holly during the writing process. When she agreed to read the first vignette and the last one, I was thrilled to have someone else’s perspective. Shortly thereafter, she said that she wanted to read the rest of my book. Her request was a godsend for me, and I asked her to edit it as she read it. Her input was invaluable as another’s perspective can catch things in the drafts that I would never pick up. Her keen insight helped me to focus my writing more to the reader.

Writing a book turned out to be a challenging and interesting experience for me. Putting your thoughts on paper is by nature a solitary endeavor, so staying motivated requires a lot of energy and persistence. It truly is hard work!

When the subject matter is painful (as mine was), it is difficult to work through the emotions and feelings that surface when recalling past memories. Holly’s support and encouragement were very reassuring and helped me to stay motivated.

Holly and I met during one of my periodic incursions back into my Catholic roots in the late 1990’s. My experience with Catholicism is quite extensive. I attended parochial schools for twelve years and served as an altar boy and choir boy. The Rites of Christian Initiation for Adults (RCIA) is designed for those who want to convert to Catholicism, but I participated in the program twice in the late 1990’s. Even though Holly had only converted to Catholicism shortly before I met her, I was always amazed at her deep faith. I wished that I could believe like she did!

Holly moved back home to Virginia in 2001, so I thought that I had lost a good friend once again. Over the years, too many of my friends have just drifted away and I thought that she would follow suit. Boy did she prove me wrong!

Every year I receive a colorful card (she picks them up in Hawaii) for Christmas. Another one arrives for my birthday and I feel guilty because I never reciprocate. It has been over a decade since we last saw one another, but she has proven what a true friend should be. She has helped me to realize just how important friendship is to all of us. I consider myself lucky to have her as my friend.

The dedication for my book clearly belongs to Holly Hoover. I want to sincerely thank her for her generous assistance and for being such a true friend.

Table of Contents

Why I wrote this book

How I wrote this book

CHAPTER 1 When you have your health

Introduction - When you have your health

Cancer – What did it have to do with me?

It was one of my favorite foods – How could it nearly kill me?

It was a routine surgery – How did I end up so sick?

Osteoporosis – The very thought of it made me shudder

Two lifelong passions – Why didn’t they keep me healthy?

CHAPTER 2 - Your family really does matter

Introduction

A father should be a role model – Was mine?

Domestic violence – It does not respect age!

Estrangement from my mother – Was my father worth it?

Alone at my weddings – Why did this happen?

My mother’s premature death – I did not get to say goodbye!

My father’s ultimate betrayal – Abandoning his family

Was my father an alcoholic? – That question divided my family

CHAPTER 3 - This country’s Achilles Heel

Introduction

Racism & bigotry – Their impact on three generations

Who am I? – Roots in Mexico, but raised in the US

What America means to me – Equality for all?

An early lesson in life – When the best was not good enough

My insight into bigotry across the US – Facilitating diversity training

First degree murder – What did race have to do with it?

Post racial America – Do I live in the same country?

CHAPTER 4 - A lifelong search for love

Introduction

My family’s chaos – My marriage was an attempt at happiness

Once in a lifetime – Something wonderful happens unexpectedly

I found my soulmate – I had doubts that they existed

Learning how to love – A precious gift for a lifetime

One dreadful morning – What happened to my wife?

Another attempt at happiness – A relationship after losing Nancy

A memorable honeymoon – Did it have to include terror?

She died of alcoholism – Could I have helped her?

I treated her like my daughter – It is hard to forget her

CHAPTER 5 - Career choices that alter your life

Introduction

A corporate superstar – Remarkable achievements but a sad ending

Attending law school – It gave me hope during the darkest periods

The corporate dilemma – Was I willing to sell my soul?

Another chance at starting over – My dreams of getting a PhD

My dreams of teaching college – Reality altered my goals

Running for office – The time for change?

Cultural diversity workshops – A tremendous opportunity

A lost opportunity – A politician’s revenge

The Job Seeking Skills Training – I created a nonprofit to fund it

CHAPTER 6 - Vision loss is a big fear

Introduction

My detached retina – A portent of things to come?

My sudden vision loss – Imagine being accused of faking it

Struggling with illness – Nearly bankrupt & homeless

Learning to live with my vision loss – It entailed many changes

Fighting for disability rights – A new chapter in my life

Working within the system – My attempts to make a difference

CHAPTER 7 - The true value of friendship

Introduction

Class – I lost a childhood friend & high school sweetheart

A casualty of war – He was a true friend!

He was my friend – How could he steal money from me?

The My Fair Lady experiment – She was not worth the effort

Cancer & my friends – Why did some disappear?

Cancer & my friends – Those who stood by me

CHAPTER 8 - How one man survived …

My survival instinct – I just wanted to live

Life gave me more than I could handle

Dealing with my partial loss of vision

By helping others I helped myself

CHAPTER 9 - And learned how to cope

Coping without realizing it

Coping is a skill that must be learned

Coping as a conscious strategy

What I learned by writing this book

What role did stress play in my life?

1981 – Did stress cause my illnesses and ruin my health?

1988 – Did stress cause my vision loss?

Some Parting Thoughts …

About the Author

Why I wrote this book

A series of serious illnesses stopped me in my tracks

In a four year period, I was diagnosed with three serious illnesses. There was no family history of any of them. I was concerned about what I was doing to contribute to my declining health. Dying a slow death was not attractive to me.

In 2009, I was diagnosed with aggressive prostate cancer.

In 2008, the first elevated PSA test indicated that cancer was a possibility.

In 2007, I was told that I had an advanced case of osteoporosis.

In 2006, I endured three abdominal surgeries. The second one was necessary to save my life. A perforated diverticula occurred for the second time in 8 years.

Why was all this happening to me? Something was definitely wrong in my life, but I was not sure what part I was playing in these illnesses. Regular exercise had been part of my routine since my college days. My study of nutrition began after graduate school and continues until today. My diet was as close to ideal as possible. My Body Mass Index (BMI) has been nearly perfect for years. Despite all my efforts, the pattern of serious illnesses reappeared and accelerated after a brief respite. I thought (that after a near fatal illness in 1998) that I had made the necessary changes to keep myself healthy. How could I have been so wrong?

A near fatal illness in 1998 had gotten my attention

On New Year's Day in 1998, I agreed to exploratory abdominal surgery to help the doctor determine what was wrong with me. That surgery turned out to be life saving as I had suffered a perforated diverticula. The surgeon told my friend afterwards that I would not have survived another eight hours due to peritonitis. When I woke up, I discovered the irritating, gastrointestinal tube protruding from my nose. As soon as the anesthesia wore off, I was told that I had a temporary colostomy that would require takedown surgery in ninety days. The perforation in my colon had discharged deadly waste into my body, so the surgical wound was left open to allow the material to escape. In other words, the incision was not sutured and it would be allowed to heal over time. A foot of my colon had been removed and I had temporary plumbing to allow the colon to recover. To say the least, I was shocked and dismayed to wake up and discover what had happened to me!

After two weeks of intravenous antibiotic therapy, I was allowed to go home. Nearly a month had elapsed since I went to the emergency room with a terrible stomachache. As a single man who lived alone, my recuperation would have been troublesome enough. But because I am legally blind caring for the open surgical wound and for the temporary colostomy was impossible without assistance. For over two months, I had twice daily visits from a visiting nurse to help me.

One nurse (a woman) was assigned my case and we developed a friendship. As the date for the takedown surgery approached, she probed deeper into my history. One day she posed a question that shook me to my core. She asked me, When are you going to start dealing with your stress?. She went on to say, It already cost you part of your vision and now it's eating your guts!. Her comments felt like someone had hit me right between the eyes with a hammer. That was the first time that a medical professional had linked my chronic stress with my recurrent illnesses. My theory about that link from the early 1980’s was finally being validated!

My theory that stress was related to my illnesses dated back to the 1980’s

In the early 1980’s, I told my eye specialist in Boston that I believed that stress was causing my eye problems. He listened politely but did not comment on my theory. After a series of serious eye problems cropped up that decade, I documented the traumatic events in my life that were followed by serious illnesses. For example, in April 1981 my wife Nancy died suddenly and on Labor Day (that September) I suffered my first retinal detachment. In September 1985, I survived the two greatest, back to back earthquakes ever recorded during my honeymoon in Mexico City. On Christmas Eve (that December), the first major symptoms of my third retinal detachment appeared. In June 1988, my mother suffered a near fatal stroke and subsequently died of a pulmonary embolism in August. My partial vision loss in both eyes surfaced the day of her funeral. Sometimes things happen that are just a coincidence, but this was a pattern that was all too real!

Why had none of my doctors ever mentioned the link between stress and illness? Since 1981, I had been seen by retina specialists, neural ophthalmologists, a cataract specialist, a colon specialist, an endocrinologist, an urologist, a radiation oncologist, and internists (my PCP). They were all medical doctors, but none of them were trained in psychiatry. Sometime in the 1990’s, I uncovered a stress scale that I explored briefly. When I compiled the chronic stress that I had endured since 1981, the results alarmed me. Since I was battling the effects of my vision loss, I did not have the funds to pay for counseling. Unfortunately, I filed the stress scale away and just continued to struggle onward. In retrospect that was a mistake, but I would not learn until 2010 what it may have cost me. My scores on the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale for the years 1981 and 1988 are included in the conclusion to illustrate the incredible stress that I endured. When I finally committed the stress levels to paper, I was shocked to see the results!

My cancer affected me quite differently than my previous illnesses

The radiation seed implant procedure was performed in late June 2009. The PSA test in August was considered the benchmark for future testing. In October, the PSA test decrease was a hopeful sign. After my diagnosis, I was concerned that my cancer would prove to be fatal due to my continued bad luck with my health.

The positive test results in October dispelled that thought, but all was not right with me. My description of my state of mind was that I felt stuck. The cancer treatment appeared to be working, but I did not know what to do next. For five months, I struggled on my own trying to figure out what to do to no avail. In March 2010, I shared my concerns with the dietician at the Comprehensive Cancer Center (CCC). Shari’s classes on nutrition had started in November and I had gotten to know her and the CCC approach to cancer patients. She suggested a consultation with their psychologist and their social worker. After months of being in emotional limbo, I was open to any suggestion!

My first monthly writing class with Jeanice (the social worker) took place on April 9, 2010. Three days later, I met with Kelly (the resident psychologist) for the first time. Jeanice used a book entitled Writing Out The Storm which suggested writing as a means of dealing with serious illness. Kelly came up with an interesting theory that I had just been Putting bricks in my backpack over the years. In other words, I did not cope with my trauma or stress as it occurred. Instead, I just absorbed it and struggled onward. The diagnosis of cancer had finally overloaded me and I could not move. That was why I felt stuck. Kelly told me that feeling was common among cancer patients, and that helped me to breathe a little easier. Her most insightful question came in one of our first sessions. She asked me to decide if I had ever really grieved for Nancy (my wife who died in 1981). I had two weeks to think about her question and decided that I had not. That was a heavy burden for me to carry for almost thirty years!

On May 3 after four meetings with Kelly, she said that it was time for me to start writing. For years I had wanted to write a book about Nancy, but one like this one had never crossed my mind. The first vignette was written on May 12 to satisfy the assignment for the May 14 writing class, but all that followed were created for me. My initial outline of potential topics listed 27 and I believed that there would be 30 to 35 eventually. As I approached 40 vignettes, I thought that the memorable topics were just about exhausted. Imagine my surprise as topics just continued to bubble up without any conscious prodding on my part. The idea of writing 50 vignettes seemed absurd when I finished the first one and implausible after I created the outline of topics. Once the writing process began, I had no problems with Writer’s block and additional topics just kept surfacing. One thing that I learned was that my memories were stored in layers in my mind. As I peeled one off and committed it to paper, another one just rose to the top of the pile. I had never experienced anything like that in my life!

As I wrote this book, my cancer responded to the initial treatment. Like many cancers, five years with no recurrence is the initial goal. It is too late to impact my previous illnesses, but my resolve is to deal with my stress and to prevent any future ones. If I can help someone who reads this book (who is unaware of or doubts the link between stress and illness), then I will have accomplished my goal!

How I wrote this book

The process that evolved as I started writing was totally unplanned

As I started writing (for the writing class at the Comprehensive Cancer Center (CCC)) a fascinating process just evolved. There was no structure to begin with, no predetermined format, nor was there any type of an outline as I began to write. Serendipitously the process just fell in place. My first step was to Recall the memories of each topic that I tackled. Due to the focus of this book, most of the memories were unpleasant and many were painful. It amazed me how vivid the details were as I allowed long buried memories to surface.

From the beginning, the topics just seemed to bubble up without my consciously searching for them. Many nights after spending hours writing on a particular topic, I found it difficult to fall asleep because the next one was being composed in my mind. Throughout the time that I spent writing, I felt emotionally drained quite often. I quickly realized that Doing my work (analyzing my life) was tedious and exhausting. Although I knew that the work could be painful, I looked forward to beginning my writing each day.

The second step of the process was quite difficult. Acknowledging the issues and related feelings (that were buried in those memories) triggered various emotions. They ran the gamut, but most of the time they settled on the darker side. That seemed to make sense because we celebrate and cherish happy memories, while we try to forget and hide the painful ones!

Anger frequently surfaced as I thought about the unfairness of many of the significant events in my life. Disappointment was an all too common theme as I wrote about the promising future that I envisioned and later saw crumble right before my eyes. Fear of the unknown had unfortunately been a constant companion throughout my life. Betrayal was woven into many of the vignettes and I do not understand why people behaved the way that they did. Vulnerability was a surprising outcome in many of the topics that I explored. I had never realized how vulnerable I had been during many periods in my life.

Sadness settled over me as I composed the vignettes that summarized much of my life. Not a hint of depression reared its ugly head even though it frequently accompanies sadness in the Grieving Process. That was a surprising outcome but I was thankful that I avoided depression once again. Being happy had been a goal of mine throughout my life, but it had been all too infrequent and elusive!

The third step of the process was the feeling of Unloading the baggage from the painful episodes in my life. Before I started writing the first vignette, I set up a three ring binder with sheet protectors to house my writing. The thought that someday that binder would be full was intriguing but also daunting. As it started to fill up, the organization of the book just popped into my head. The sections seemed logical and focused