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    Jagged Thoughts
    Jagged Thoughts
    Jagged Thoughts
    Ebook105 pages1 hour

    Jagged Thoughts

    By Ellie Lloyd

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    About this ebook

    A true account of the torture of depression, anxiety, eating disorder and associated trauma. It is a brutally honest account addressing the complexity of what goes on in the mind of a sufferer. The book flicks back and forth between a real life, real time account and a psychological explanation and evaluation easily understood to all without the overwhelming medical jargon. It simplifies the facts. Jagged Thoughts serves as a self help guide for sufferers, their families and health professionals as well as a real life tale for others to be taken to a world of fear, panic, anxiety and deep emotion.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherEllie Lloyd
    Release dateDec 1, 2013
    ISBN9781310983368
    Jagged Thoughts

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      Book preview

      Jagged Thoughts - Ellie Lloyd

      Introduction – For all the other Ellie’s out there

      It has been a long time, a VERY long time since I last wrote and for some reason this morning I was overwhelmed with the immediate need to write again, so I am seizing that opportunity whilst it is present.

      For those of you who know me you will understand why I haven't written in such a long time, for those of you who don't, you will hopefully have some understanding by the end of this.

      Things have once again been rough for me these last few months. And, to be fair, for the whole family. Now there will be those of you out there who do not understand, wish to understand or even care about 'matters of the mind'. Whatever your take on the varying degrees of 'psychiatric ailments' that people are exposed to and suffer from every day in the world, then that's OK, however, I would say take note, accept they exist and if you are ever unlucky enough to be confronted with any such scenario, enjoy the small steps of positivity, however short lived.

      Someone once said to me 'seeing them ('the sufferer') have one happy day could keep the rest of us going for several weeks!'

      It is with that in mind that I write this.

      So where have I been? In hospital, seeing my doctor and in a pretty dark place. I am here now(amongst other things)about 6 stone (almost 40kg/88lbs) lighter - some may say for the better but the way I got here wasn't so great and honestly, I am still there.

      That is all I will say on that matter!

      Is today any different?

      Not really!

      Well, a little.

      Today, I have noticed the little things. And enjoyed a few along the way.

      Realistically, one would think I have quite a simple life and in some respects I do. And today that 'simple life' gave my mind a reprieve, even if just for a few hours. After going to bed at 8pm last night, rattling from my meds, I managed to get a half decent night's sleep (a real rarity for me of late!). This enabled me to get up before 5am this morning without being as groggy as usual. After getting everyone ready for school I still had time to listen to my daughter read her book to me, a magical moment that all of us parent’s should cherish. I then took everyone to school and headed off to get the car cleaned. OK, nothing special so far at all. On the way I saw the sunrise. The most beautiful, powerful sight, rising above the city, such an amazing orangey red colour. I was in awe! Whilst the car was being cleaned I sat in a cafe and drank a cup of chai whilst reading a book. Complete peace and relaxation. Again another rarity for me of late and I expect for most mothers. I then did the grocery shopping and came home, straight to the computer to write this.

      WOW - I know what you are thinking...How dull was that for a morning! Nothing remotely interesting there. Nothing special, I mean it's not like I wandered across the desert on some pilgrimage to 'find myself' or experienced an adrenaline rush one would get from a parachute jump or contributed anything worthwhile to society.

      But in my own little way I did all of those things.

      Driving the car through the city and witnessing its sunrise was my 'walk through the desert'.

      Reading my book with peace and tranquillity and doing the grocery shopping was my 'parachute jump'.

      And what was so worthwhile that I 'contributed to society'? The very fact that I am here. That I am alive. That I have another day in which to 'find myself' again, to 'experience an adrenaline rush' and to find what it is I am here to contribute to this world.

      What prompted this? Well going to bed at 8pm for certainly helped! But also something I saw on the TV last night. A scene with two people where both were getting drunk. The one character has been suffering from depression and had tried to commit suicide before. They are laughing uncontrollably and for a brief moment this character had forgotten all his 'woes' until the other character abruptly interrupts their 'drinking game' with a question. List three reasons why you should live? He was horrified at the question and gave a lame answer in response. She tells him that was no good and it hadn't earned another shot of sambucca. He then gets defensive and goes on and on with a huge list of GOOD reasons why he should live. The realization on his face that there were, in fact, good reasons to get through what he was going through made me realize that there is good reason for me too! For all of us. And for some of us, the ones with these 'psychiatric ailments', it is hard to see for the most part. And I am sure in a few hours or days or weeks I will too feel too emotionally drained to see those reasons. This is why I am writing this now. It is in print. It is out there. It has been said. So that no matter how crappy I feel by lunchtime, dinner time or breakfast time tomorrow, I can, if I can find the strength and conviction, look back at this and know there was at least one passing moment when things weren't so bad.

      This may only be (and in fact WILL be) a momentary glimpse of tranquillity. It never lasts long. In fact they are so few and far between at the moment and rarely last more than a fleeting moment of a few hours and are a bi-product of scenario. But however little this moment is - to me, to others and in the grand scheme of time - I wanted it recorded.

      Why?

      Because this is about me. And for all of the other 'Ellies' out there.

      One small step at a time.

      Pure Panic: Part One

      That’s the phone ringing. Thank God. Then answer it. But what do I say. I can’t speak. I can’t breathe.

      ‘Why are you hyperventilating?’

      ‘I don’t know, I can’t breathe! I can’t stop it this time!’

      ‘Ok. You need to calm down. Has something happened?’

      Nothing had happened. It was just that this time the anxiety had got the better of me. That knotted feeling in the pit of your stomach, when your heart is pounding so hard you can feel it in your throat, then the moment all that makes you sick. That’s what had happened.

      ‘No. Nothing has happened. I can’t breathe. I can’t fix it this time.’

      This dark demon had got me before. Grabbed my heart tight in his fist. But I had managed to loosen his grip with my mind. But this time he is holding so tight I can’t get him to let go.

      ‘It’s Ok. It’s going to be fine. You need to call an ambulance.’

      I can’t do that. How stupid, how weak am I going to look then? I will be wasting their time. Taking them away from a patient who really needs help. But then I need help. I can’t breathe. This can’t be happening.

      ‘You need to talk to me so I know you are OK.’

      ‘I can’t breathe. I can’t stop this. Oh God, please what is happening to me?’

      ‘Call an ambulance and then call me straight back. I will call your husband.’

      Now there is no-one at the end of the phone. What do I do? I can’t do this. This is a horrible way to die. Is that what’s happening here? Am I dying? Is this what dying feels like? Right, I need to call an ambulance. What’s the number? Oh shit, 3000 miles from home and I don’t know the number for an ambulance. What do I do? …. OK, I know I know the number, call it! You have to do this.

      ‘I have called an ambulance. I still can’t breathe. I feel like I am dying. ‘

      ‘You need to breathe, slowly’

      ‘I just can’t!’

      ‘You can. Listen to me. Breathe in for three, breathe out for

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