Alien on Board! An Hilariously Honest Guide Through the 9 Months of Pregnancy

Children’s Star Signs

Week 31

Week 32

Baked New York Cheese Cake

Week 33

Week 34

Week 35

Naughty Chocolate Fudge Cake

Week 36

The Hospital Bag Essentials

Week 37

Vanilla and Raspberry Butter Cake

Week 38

Week 39

Week 40

Week 41

Chocolate Chip Cookies

Week 42

The Main Event

The Aftermath

What I will miss about being pregnant

What I will not miss about being pregnant

They say having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face; you had better be bloody damn sure you want it!

Truer words have probably never been spoken – even if you take the entire nine months of pregnancy into account, never mind the forty years or so thereafter. Never before and probably never again (unless of course you have more than one baby) will your body have to undergo such a transformation not to mention your personality – all those hormones floating about causing destruction to an otherwise very intelligent and capable mind. It is on this note that I commence my tales of a life altering experience.

Prologue – How it all started:

I was living in Dublin with my Sister when she coaxed me to go out with her one night – she was about to go travelling to New Zealand and this was her goodbye party. Seen as it was the Summer and I had not been out in about 3 weeks I thought why not, I could do with a good ‘aul session.

We were going to a friend’s house for a few drinks first before moving onto a drum and bass gig in some underground club in the City Centre. When we knocked on the door of the house where the party was at I looked up to one of the windows above the door and I saw a dark, handsome man with the most penetrating deep, dark green eyes starting down at me. My heart sank immediately as I thought Oh no, I just know that I am going to fall in love with him.

Into the party we went and as soon as I sat down this handsome man got up and sat opposite me, he started chatting away as if I knew him, I at this moment in time hated men due to recent bad break up so I wasn’t saying much. I left to go to the bathroom and on my return the only place left to sit was right beside him so sit I did. He immediately made me feel relaxed and kept on chatting about this and that, I had to keep fighting the urge to cuddle right into his divine, strong, sexy, broad chest. On to the club we went and every time I turned around there he was just gazing at me. I went to get a pack of cigarettes and sure enough he was behind me about to get a pack too Oh what a coincidence I said You are getting cigarettes too, Well no actually he replied I am just following you around looking for a chance to speak to you, Well now you have it I retorted and with that he said Will you hang on here just a minute please I have to go to the bathroom so outside the Men’s bathroom I found myself until I finally came to my senses and realised that I was waiting for some man I don’t know to come out of the Men’s public toilets so I quickly scampered away to the bar and just as I was being served a corona with lime he re-appeared Hey there do you want a drink? he asked, Just got one I replied pointing to the drink in my hand, I could smell the aftershave the attendant in the bathroom sprayed on him and I just wanted to nuzzle my head into the side of his neck. We carried on dancing the night away and when the club finished we all decided to head back to the house we were in before the club to have an after party. As we were walking along the river waiting for taxi’s to stop he caught up with me Did you enjoy the Club? he asked Fantastic I replied My apologies what is your name again? I questioned Robert he retorted and you are Katrina – is that correct? Yep, Katrina with a K I replied with a wince when I realised what I had said just sounded so corney Well Katrina with a K are you going out with anyone? he asked, I was a little taken aback with his directness but still I managed to reply in the negative Well then he said cheerfully I am not going out with anyone and you are not going out with anyone so why don’t we go out with each other? I just stood there and stared at him with my mouth slightly open (nobody has ever been so straight to the point, no nonsense is a slight understatement) and before I got to answer him a taxi stopped for us and we all jumped in. I was slightly put out as one of his friends sat in between us on the way home, I didn’t understand this feeling but I just wanted to be next to him to feel the warmth of his body next to mine.

When we arrived back to the house the party was in full swing and we all partied the night away. I woke up a few hours later to find myself asleep on the floor with my head in Robert’s lap, he too was asleep, I was a little embarrassed to say the least and quickly made my get away with my sister. The next day I was disgusted with myself that I didn’t kiss this illustrious Robert Oh well my sister commented not to worry there are plenty more fish in the sea but, somehow this did nothing to pacify me ‘to hell with the other fish in the sea’ I though ‘I want that one fish and no other’.

I moved back down to Cork to complete the final year of my Masters but, this Robert the fish that got away was never too far from my mind. In October I was invited to a charity ball in Dublin, whilst getting ready my friends and I had a little too much wine to get us in the mood and by the time we arrived we were the worse for wear. We all took our seats but, there was no one placed beside me ‘bloody typical’ I thought ‘the joys of being single, I should have invited one of my friends to come with me as a date, then all of a sudden I heard his sexy voice coming from behind me Well, well Katrina with a K we meet again and I looked up to see Mr. dark and handsome standing beside me. Right, I decided there and then; to hell with my two-year pact ( that I made with myself of no-men until I had sorted myself out) I am going to make sure I kiss that man tonight and sure enough I did.

Three glorious years later after travelling the world together, having a ridiculous amount of adventures and living in our little cottage in County Wicklow; the inevitable happened: I got broody. Robert was not quite there yet and so to solve the matter he appeared home one evening with a small Black Dog, he was the most terrified little thing that I had ever seen with big brown eyes that would melt a snowman; I went weak the moment I set my eyes on him. This, Robert declared, is a little puppy that we have adopted; he is in fact our first-born fluffy son Monty.

Monty we soon learnt was a sensitive little creature he was rescued by the pound after being abandoned on the side of the road, they thought that he was left there by a family after Christmas to fend in the great big cruel world all by himself. He was feeding himself by rooting food out of bins and when we got him he was so desperately skinny, he had large tufts of hair missing and he had sores all over his body. The poor little fellow didn’t bark for six months and only ever ate half of his dinner; the reason for this we reckoned was that in his mind just in case he wasn’t fed again, he had to save some food for later. He settled into our family really quickly and soon our neighbour’s children started to call to the door every evening when we got back from work wondering if Monty was allowed to come out to play ball with them, he was absolutely addicted to his ball so soon enough Monty was in heaven playing with the local kids every evening. On numerous occasions myself and Robert would be going for a walk with Monty or collecting groceries in the local village and children that we passed and certainly didn’t recognise would say Oh Hi Monty, how are you doing today? our dog was more popular and sociable than us!

On one particular evening he came back after playing ball with the local kids and he had a burger hanging out of his mouth – he had just been at a neighbour’s barbeque.

Over the following few years Monty settled right in and finally on the beach one fine cold winter’s evening Robert dropped to his knees and asked me to marry him, his exact words actually were I will never ask anyone else this question ever again, I will only ever ask it once – Katrina with a K will you marry me?

It took me a minute or two before I could answer him but, I finally blurted out Yes and so he poured the champagne that he had hidden in his jacket pocket into two flutes on that fine cold winters night on the beach in County Wicklow.

And so it was that I was getting married to my best pal, my favourite travel buddy, never mind the love of my life and most handsome man I had ever known. We had decided for our wedding to throw the mother of all parties, erect a massive tent and have a Bilbo Baggins style celebration complete with roasted hog and bomb fires. We partied all night then flew to Indonesia – the Gilli islands, Lombok and Java to be precise for a fantastic 3 week honeymoon adventure.

Once all the commotion was over, life had settled back down and we were thoroughly enjoying being the newly wedded couple I suddenly realised that I had not had a period in quite a few weeks, I thought perhaps it was all the excitement of the last few months and the travelling catching up on me but, I decided to get a pregnancy test just in case. In the meantime, we had decided to move out of County Wicklow and back to Dublin as the commute was becoming too much so we were mid-move at this stage when the pregnancy test turned out to be positive. I was in shock but in hindsight, I did think it was a little strange how my usual coffee was making me so ill in the mornings and even the smell of it would turn my tummy inside out, when it finally sank in I started to cry. I was crying because after kind of wanting a baby for the last little while I still thought that it was a long way off and there were a million things that I wanted to do before I had a baby – like travel to Mongolia for instance, even though before I found out I was pregnant I had absolutely no interest whatsoever in travelling to Mongolia.

I immediately told Robert- he responded by saying Are you totally sure? Of course I am I retorted Well we had better get another test to be really sure so after using another double pack of pregnancy tests he still wasn’t convinced so we went to the Doctor, she assured us that a pregnancy test never gave a false positive but, to allow it all to sink into his head once and for all I did one more pregnancy test and so it was confirmed – I was pregnant, 6 weeks to be precise.

The following events are from a Journal I kept of my nine months of pregnancy and I hope that it helps you to deal with the Tsunami of emotions and events that are awash in the build up to your baby being born.

I have included a piece at the end of every week which I have called; What they say about pregnancy this week, they essentially refers to all those individuals who have some idea what they are talking about for example; various Mothers, yoga teachers etc. and it includes information from articles in books and magazines.

Basically, a little real, factual advice or information which might hopefully help somewhat, on your journey into the unknown! There are also a number of recipes included to hopefully satisfy those pregnancy cravings.

The First Trimester:

You know you are in the First Trimester when:

You can’t stomach the smell of coffee, cigarettes or anybody with Body Odour.

You feel excited yet apprehensive all at the same time.

You start feeling nauseous all of the time – not just in the morning as promised.

You have an opinion on the state of the bathroom floor & have a view on parts of the toilet you never noticed before.

You start telling your partner that the toilet seat needs to be changed & bleach is permanently on your shopping list.

Even your loose fat clothes start to feel tighter by the passing of each day.

Your moods are swinging from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows with the passing of every minute.

A veil of sleepiness/fatigue comes over you every so often that is so intense it resembles flu-like symptoms.

You start wearing a sports bra every day to deal with the rapid growth of your boobs (downwards, I might add).

Your boobs have become so tender you need to cup them when you are walking down the stairs.

Chocolate and other tasty Food has never seemed so attractive and when you feel those food cravings coming on you have to satisfy them immediately.

You notice that the veins in your breasts are more visible through the skin and you have huge dark nipples (ok, slight exaggeration here).

Lots of foods you used to eat i.e. smelly cheeses, raw sushi, rare or undone meat, sashimi, lots of fish, hot dogs and deli meats become off limits.

Your boobs are growing at a faster rate than your