Kingdom of the Snark: An Affair with Wizards

KINGDOM OF THE SNARK

AN AFFAIR WITH WIZARDS

BEING THE SECOND PART

OF THE RIGHTEOUS TRILOGY

— by —

Melanie Hatfield

Kingdom of the Snark: An Affair with Wizards

By Melanie Hatfield.

Copyright 2013 by Melanie Hatfield

Smashwords Edition

Cover art by Michelle Zastrow

Digital edition produced by Maureen Cutajar

www.gopublished.com

Ye Old Legal Disclaimer:

All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, taping, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the copyright owner except in the context of reviews, quotes, or references. To obtain permission, contact the writer through her website at www.melaniehatfield.com.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination. Anything in this novel that is anyway similar to your own life and/or work is coincidental (and a bit sad).

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only and may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return it and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author’s work.

Table of Contents

Another Brief Introduction from the Not So Humble Narrator

Oh No, Not Another Prologue

Chapter One: The Fate of the Monastery

Chapter Two: Taming the Beast

Chapter Three: ‘Tis a Hard Knock Life for Guy

Chapter Four: A Change in Perspective

Chapter Five: Stalking is Not Romantic

Chapter Six: Joel Gets Busy with His Hands

Chapter Seven: Confronting the Wizard

Chapter Eight: Unexpected Company

Chapter Nine: The Wiz Cave

Chapter Ten: A Waltz in the Woods

Chapter Eleven: A Romp in the Dark

Chapter Twelve: Love Conquers None

Chapter Thirteen: Slip and Slide

Chapter Fourteen: Operation Get Laid!

Chapter Fifteen: Hast Thou Forgotten About the Monks?

Chapter Sixteen: A Wizardly Showdown

Chapter Seventeen: The Ascension to Destiny

Chapter Eighteen: Love Kills Brain Cells, Among Other Things

Chapter Nineteen: A Grand Build Up

Chapter Twenty: Do or Die

Chapter Twenty-One: Let Us Return to Guy’s Storyline, Shall We?

Chapter Twenty-Two: Immortality (Conditions Apply)

Chapter Twenty-Three: The End of Some Things

An Epilogue Instead of a Real Chapter? What a Rip Off!

Another Brief End Note from the Not So Humble Narrator

Timeline for Kingdom of the Snark: An Affair with Wizards

About the Not So Humble Narrator

Another Brief Introduction from the

Not So Humble Narrator

It should be noted, dear readers, that the timeline in this second part of the Righteous Trilogy is more askew than it was in the first part. This book contains three different storylines: Renee’s and Guy’s stories pick up where we last left them off, but the monastery’s tale begins two weeks after the fall of the labyrinth. Furthermore, the events of this part of the Righteous Trilogy are not in chronological order, having been rearranged for dramatic emphasis designed to enhance your reading experience. If you are the type who only desires to read events in the order in which they occurred, you may read the timeline located at the end of this tale. If you do not want to be spoiled by looking at the timeline first (and this not so humble narrator shall not blame you if you choose not to), then do not confuse thyself with the sequence. All three stories shall catch up to one another in the space time continuum in a grand Oh, I get it now moment.

There is also another prologue that precedes the first chapter of this book. It contains information regarding the sexual orientation of wizards, so you may skip it if you are sensitive to such matters. However, having this prior knowledge shall explain much when you come across the future chapters. This not so humble narrator makes no apologies for this tease.

Oh No, Not Another Prologue

In epic tales such as this one, dear readers, one typically views wizards as divine beings of infinite powers who help out heroes with the convenience of magic. However, this idea of wizards was nothing more than glamorized propaganda created by an overzealous race. In truth, wizards were ill-tempered, roguish, and—above all—self-centered and would not blink in regards to the affairs of those they deemed lesser creatures. Most wizards would rather pull off their own fingernails than speak to a mortal for five seconds, let alone aid them on whatever insignificant quest they were on. The mortals felt the same way about the wizards, for their mating season destroyed more villages than created new wizardly life.

Male wizards were driven by the madness of their natural instincts to procreate, and would ambush the females unawares. The females considered these encounters as attacks, and they would cast spells and blasts of light at their male counterparts. If a female happened to be receptive, the males would be so engrossed in the throes of passion they would often accidentally cast a spell that would cause the female to burst into flames or make her head fly off. Sometimes two males would ambush a female at the same time, and all three of them would destroy their surroundings as they fought one another. It was not that uncommon for the villages of mortals to disappear in a flash of wizard’s light during such an encounter.

You may think it odd, dear readers, that a male with the knowledge of the cosmos would have no control over his own loins. However, the natural desire to procreate is a force that no man can conquer, not even the magical kind. The only purpose a man has when he is consumed with such yearning is to keep life going at any costs. All logic, empathy, and conventional wisdom would be slaughtered once this natural instinct invaded his conscious thoughts. From early to late spring, the male wizards would became like a young lad who throws rocks at maidens he likes… except he will not stop throwing the rocks until the maiden’s skull bursts open, and he eats her brains just so he can have a part of her inside of him.

Female wizards were also prone to such natural throbs of procreation, although not as strongly as their male counterparts. As more females succumbed to the lust of the males, they developed techniques to quench their desires, and avoided the opposite members of their race. Some females would create enchantments to artificially stimulate their female parts, and thusly they were satisfied. Those who desired the warmth of a man in their beds would mate with mortals, although not many female wizards chose to do so, as this was a perilous choice. Not only did such female wizards risk being discovered by their male counterparts, but a female wizard would become spoiled if she mated with a mortal (and vice versa if a male wizard mated with a female mortal), so if the females wanted to create a wizard child of their own in the future, their reproductive organs failed to produce such an offspring.

There were the miniscule number of female wizards who sought a male wizard mate, but most of them combusted from a male’s enthusiasm. Sometimes the females who did not want to mate got the upper hand when ambushed and would evaporate a male before penetration. Not all wizards who mated met such an end, but enough of them perished so that the wizard population dwindled. When only three hundred wizards were left in the land of Andra, the surviving females were compelled to hold a council and discuss their options.

They met in secret within what later became known as the Dark Wood. The area was filled with mortals, and the females knew the males would not desire to follow them into such a vile setting.

Certainly we can reason with our men, spoke one female wizard with hair like moss. We are the most evolved beings in the entire land of Andra. We should be able to rationalize with our own kind if we all sat together and have speech with them, such as we females are doing now.

One would think so, said another female wizard with teal-colored dreadlocks. However, I succumbed to my own desire to procreate last week and invited a male wizard into my bed. I felt like a carrot in the grips of a jackrabbit. When I pleaded him to take it down a notch, he said his male parts would explode if he slowed down, and he could not understand why I did not feel the same way. When he finally finished, he grumbled about how ungrateful I was to have the gift of his seed, and took off upon the wind without so much as a ‘thank you.’ It is obvious that we cannot trust the males to be logical when it comes to mating.

Then should we stop procreating all together, said a female wizard with braided hair the color of the sunset, and allow the wizard race to go extinct?

That is not a logical course of action, a female with cropped lemon-colored hair said. Perhaps we should hold a council with the males and set some ground rules for mating so that it is enjoyable for both sides. Shall we put it to a vote?

Thusly the females voted, and they agreed to hold a council with the men. Once the mating season ended and the males returned to their rational state of mind, the females invited them to their grand wizard’s council in the heart of the Fairy Wood, and discussed the matters of reproduction.

The females wrote rules of courtship for the males to follow. The females deemed their guidelines were so simple that a mortal man could win the heart of a female wizard if he heeded them, but there were so many demands that the females had to chop down a quarter of the trees in the Fairy Wood to create enough parchment to write them all down. The male wizards became confused, and they complained.

These rules are asinine! cried out a male wizard with a crimson beard that floated to his feet. The mating season is far too short to waste time on taking you females out to nice places for meals, giving you shiny things to wear upon your bodies, and, worst of all, bonding with you through speech and long walks upon beaches.

You could perform these duties throughout the year, said the female wizard with the teal-colored dreadlocks. That way, when the mating season comes, we shall be more receptive toward you.

And what about these other rules? another male wizard with the girth of three of his kinsmen asked. You want us to share a homestead, but we are the ones who must fix every little thing that may go awry!

But we shall keep the inside of the home clean, said a female wizard whose hair was streaked with pink and black.

Oh, sure, said a wizard who was nearly as thin as his staff, take the easiest tasks for yourselves!

There is nothing easy about cleaning up the messes of a male wizard, snapped a stout female wizard, especially in an outhouse!

And these rules for personal grooming, scoffed a wizard with a bushy white beard entangled by creatures foolish enough to nest in it. Our breath must be a certain scent, our clothes must be chosen by you, and… he squinted at the parchment in his hands …our beards must be clipped in a style approved by our female mate. Those who are beardless have no right to make a rule for something they can never experience for themselves. It seems as though you females want to rule every aspect of our lives with very little reward to us.

The mating season shall be your reward.

But it only happens once a year, and that is not enough.

It is enough for us.

Then you should just make things easy by opening up your legs and accepting the duty of your gender. You are lucky we want to procreate with you banshees at all.

The females lost their temper with this crude statement, and many of them threw balls of light at the males in retaliation. The males defended themselves with their own magic, and all order was lost. Each side wanted what they thought was right, and as they were egotistical beings of great intellect, the wizards were too stubborn to create a compromise.

The Battle of the Sexes incinerated the woods around them. Half of the wizard population perished, and many mortals were slain when the wizards’ battle spread to their villages. The fighting did not cease until the mating season passed, and the mortals banished the wizards and confined them to the realm of the Fairy Wood (or, rather, what was left of it).

The females lost all trust in male wizards. They hid themselves and avoided their horny male counterparts entirely. The females scattered and kept to themselves, becoming the rarest creature in the entire land of Andra. They broke all ties of friendship with their own gender from fear of being discovered (especially when Gurgan intercepted letters from Jilliana to Verona and discovered both of the females’ hiding places; only Verona survived her encounter).

As females became scarce, some male wizards found company with other males, and thought their lives were better for it. Other males became more obsessed for females than they would have otherwise, and devoted their entire existence to finding a mate. If a male found a female during the off-season, he would hold her captive until the time was right for mating (although this was not always successful as known in the tale of Turbak and Mallie, in which Turbak held Mallie captive in a cage for six months in a special cage designed to suppress the magic from whoever was trapped inside. When the mating season came, he simply unlocked it to let her out, as his desire to procreate pushed out all rational thought. The moment Mallie stepped out of that prison, she threw a ball of light that incinerated Turbak’s head.). If a female wizard were impregnated and had a son, the wizard father would claim him before the mother could abandon the child out of animosity toward the male half of her species. If by chance a female wizard successfully mated and gave birth to a daughter, she would bestow her bitterness upon her offspring, and thusly the hatred of male wizards lived on through the next generation.

Zephyr was born seven thousand years after the Battle of the Sexes. Zephyr was more akin to her father in that she was tall and slender, her hair as purple as twilight, and her eyes a sea green that was rare amongst her kin. Zephyr’s mother was the opposite—a stout woman with hair the color of summer leaves. She raised her daughter in a home carved in the trunk of a grand tree. As the ages passed, Zephyr’s mother taught her how to create her own food and make disguises, and imbedded the resentment against male wizards into her daughter’s thoughts. Every night, Zephyr would curl up into bed and listen to her mother’s tales of wizard’s mating rituals.

There was once a wizard named Hirdire, Zephyr’s mother said. He loved a female named Kalia. He loved her so much, he peeled off her skin and wore it like a cloak so she would always be with him wherever he wandered. That is why you must hide yourself when you come into your womanhood, lest a male wizard do the same to you.

Zephyr heard such dreadful tales as she grew from a child into a woman and feared the opposite sex of her people. After two thousand years together, her mother succumbed to the mortality of wizardhood, and Zephyr was alone for the first time in her life. (For all wizards were mortal, dear readers, but they possessed such powers as that they could slow down their age for thousands of years, or until they were bored with life, whichever came first.)

Zephyr was always fearful of what was outside her home, but she became depressed with her loneliness, and after two hundred years since her mother’s passing, she left the camouflaged shack in search of a pet to keep her company. However, it was not long after her first emergence into the Fairy Wood that she was spotted by the male counterpart of her people.

The wizard Furkle, a young and overconfident youth, thought it was his great luck to encounter her, but Zephyr’s mother had taught her many tricks before her passing, and Zephyr had to use all of them to escape his grasp. Furkle had a mouth as large as his ego, and he boasted throughout the world of wizards about his discovery. Just existing was enough for the males to desire her, but the rare color of Zephyr’s eyes made her such a treasure that she became the target of any magical bearded man with a pointy hat.

Zephyr returned to her home and vowed never to leave it again. However, when the wizard Burnanorth found her hut and set it ablaze to flush her out (unaware that she was outside tending her garden), she fled the Fairy Wood and hid amongst the mortals.

Zephyr spent three thousand years in disguise from male wizards. At first she disguised herself as a typical mortal maiden, but found that too many mortal men leered at her, and she became disgusted with their vile behavior. Zephyr then disguised herself as the gender she hated the most. She cut off her flowing hair, glued the sheared locks to her face, lowered her voice with an enchantment, and became a makeshift mortal man. Sometimes Zephyr would be a smithy, other times a candle maker, and she went through a strange period where she thumped a tambourine with roaming gypsies, but that was a time she would rather have forgotten. Whenever Zephyr was discovered for her true gender, the villagers would run her out, for such folk were of simple minds and could not comprehend one gender posing for another. It mattered not to Zephyr, for she deemed all aspects of mortal life to be asinine (as most wizards typically do, although she had more experience and, therefore, more reasons to belittle their lifestyle), and she would just create a new persona and start life anew.

Her last disguise was her least glamorous. Zephyr decided to become a madman, for she had no place to call her home and wandered aimlessly as all madmen did. She shaved half of her head and curled what remained of her hair to the other side over like an ocean wave that crashes upon a beach. She wore tattered clothing that reeked with such foulness no living soul (wizard or otherwise) within a five foot radius would approach her. No shoes did she wear upon her feet, so that they were thick with calluses, blisters, and shattered toe nails that would make any troll envious. If anyone approached her, out of pity or otherwise, she spoke in ancient tongues unknown by mortals and scared them away. Zephyr felt safe in this disguise, but she always feared that a male wizard would discover her true nature and destroy her in his lust. She feared all living men and would not trust them enough to pick up her droppings (as the farmers usually did when they discovered her glittering fecal matter). She lived in this disguise for three hundred years until, despite her best efforts, she was discovered by the male wizard Ayagross.

Throughout his six thousand years of life, Ayagross found a few female wizards to mate with but was never quick to ensnare them. Although he could inflict pain upon mortals, he was not the mightiest of his kind, and only the strongest male wizards got to mate. Any female wizard who still sucked upon her mother’s teat could have escaped his clutches with ease. Ayagross would stalk any female wizard who eluded him, steal their garbage, and create a shrine in his Wiz Cave. Any discarded undergarments would be sniffed until blood dripped from his nose. He would study the female, stalk the female, and learn the best ways to approach the female. He would sometimes pose as a mortal man and talk sweetly to a wizard maiden, but the instant he caught a whiff of her pheromones, he would explode into a frothy beast of lust and frighten the female away. After failing to mate for thousands of years, he grew mad with disappointment.

Ayagross created his home in the Cave of Lost Wanderers in the heart of the Fairy Wood. He would stare at the ceiling of his Wiz Cave as he spilled his seed to no one in particular and dreamt of the warmth between a female wizard’s legs. When he was done with himself, he would cry into the fur of his beloved pet tigress. She was a treasure in herself, for she was the only tigress to be white with silver stripes, and she loved him without judgment. Sometimes he would consult his all-knowing orb, but it was never useful.

Orb of Knowledge, how can I get a female to love me?

Love is an abstract concept, the orb would reply. There are no step-by-step rules one can follow to guarantee success.

Stupid orb. Ayagross would throw his orb across his cave, only to retrieve it and stuff it into his robe until the next time he was foolish enough to ask the same question.

If only I could find a mate like you, my sweet kitty, Ayagross sighed as he scratched his beloved pet behind her ears. From those words he crafted an evil plot. One so sneaky and underhanded that he would win an award for Best Tactical Plan for Getting Laid amongst the world of wizards (which no wizard had won since Kazulam ensnared the female wizard Holliantia when he turned himself into a puppy in a basket and enticed her to rub his belly). He would ensnare a female wizard and switch her soul with his pet, for that was the only way Ayagross would be guaranteed a loving and faithful mate.

Ayagross captured many creatures in the Fairy Wood to perfect this skill. Things were messy at first (as lesser minds exploded), and it took him five years to perfect his enchantment. Once he developed his magical red oil, Ayagross switched the soul of a unicorn with the soul of an albino baby dragon, and the magical essence of the potion prevented any dismal side effects from occurring. Also, the dragon’s body developed speech through the unicorn’s magical essence, and he locked up the poor, wretched souls amongst his other experiments; Ayagross thought they could make for a mighty trade with his own people if any interesting swords became available.

During that period of experimentation, Ayagross did his best to ensnare a female. He set up traps all over the kingdom of Quaal, even in areas outside of the Fairy Wood, and waited for a female to come. Sometimes Ayagross would catch a hapless mortal, other times random woodland creatures that he would use in his experiments, or discarded trash. Sometimes when Ayagross’ magical senses informed him that a trap ensnared a female wizard, another male would find her before Ayagross could, or outmatch him in a wizard’s dual and claim her for himself (unless the female was more powerful than the two and had them fleeing for their lives).

Just two days after Ayagross perfected his enchantment with the unicorn and the dragon, Zephyr was caught. She was traveling to the village of Mudville under the cover of night when she stumbled upon Ayagross’ traps. Zephyr dodged the cages that dropped from the trees above and the clamps that snapped at her feet, and danced around the net that sprung up from the ground. Zephyr was so occupied with avoiding the traps that she failed to notice the mallets swing from the branches above, until one grazed her temple and knocked her unconsciousness.

Ayagross used all his powers to fly toward his trap as soon as his magical senses detected that it went off, and found Zephyr before anyone else could. Despite her stench and mortal’s disguise, Ayagross picked up her wizardly pheromones and knew he found his mate.

Zephyr awoke upon her back, strapped down to a wooden table. When her eyes adjusted, Zephyr saw Ayagross’ nose hovering above her own. His drool glazed her face.

I was hoping you would have slept through this, Ayagross said, but it seems as though you have awoken just in time to witness my master plan. Do not try to move. I could hit you on the head again if you want, my sweet, if the pain becomes too much to bear, for this is going to hurt a lot.

Fear gripped Zephyr’s voice so that none of her protests left her lips, although anything she could have shouted would have fallen on deaf ears. Ayagross strapped down his pet tigress to the table next to her, rendered witless from the catnip her master gave her to numb the oncoming pain. Ayagross stood in between the two tables and began his enchantment.

Wind danced throughout the cave, and the light from the candles and lanterns blew out. The wind became circles of black clouds that swirled above the two females, and lightning flashed from within the dark cave walls. The hair on the one half of Zephyr’s head that it stood up on end, and her throat tightened. Ayagross dipped his fingertips into a bowl of red oil, and he massaged each female’s chest. Each fingertip danced upon Zephyr’s chest in a precise order as if he were playing the keys of a piano. The oil smoldered upon Zephyr’s skin, and she nearly cracked her teeth from her grimace.

Ayagross squeezed his eyes shut, and required the use of both of his hands to control the swirling mass of darkness above the females’ heads.

Thunder split Zephyr’s ears as bolts of light flew from the clouds and struck her and the tigress strapped upon the table next to her. The light hit the oil upon Zephyr’s chest, and she felt all warmth drain from her blood. Her soul materialized from her chest like a phantom, and Zephyr’s essence hovered over her frozen body. The screams of female wizard and female feline blended into one as their phantom souls floated into the other’s bodies. Zephyr felt as if she were a cannon ball as her essence slammed into the tigress’ chest, and she succumbed to darkness.

When Zephyr awoke, she was still strapped down, but this time she was upon her stomach. She noticed that her belly felt fuzzy and somewhat cuddly. As her vision adjusted, she noticed something odd about her right hand. There is something different about me, she thought as she flexed her newly acquired claws. Then to her horror, she realized she had two sets of such claws attached to fuzzy, white arms with amethyst stripes where there used to be her wizard’s limbs. She did her best to bolt from the table, but she was strapped too tight.

It is a remarkable result, Ayagross said as he sharpened a knife against a rock. Your wizard’s essence physically altered the appearance of my kitty. You changed the color of her stripes to match your own hair, and gave her a mane more akin to a horse… although your wizard’s body remains unaltered. It is almost a shame I have to slay you before you get a chance to kill me.

Ayagross twisted his fingers in the purple mane and pierced the tip of his knife into his former kitty’s neck. Ayagross never imagined his prized pet lashing out at him, but as his kitty’s body was now Zephyr’s, she twisted her newly acquired flexible feline neck and dug her fangs deep into Ayagross’ wrist. He dropped the knife with a cry as blood painted Zephyr’s face. As Ayagross writhed in pain, Zephyr used her newly acquired teeth to chew off her restraints.

I shall roast you for that! Ayagross cried, but he could not concentrate on casting a spell from the pain of his injuries. He hobbled his way to a table and pulled out a first aid kit.

Zephyr broke free from her restraints and leapt off the table. Zephyr was surprised when she landed upon her feet without any effort, but even more surprised when she felt a woman’s fist smack her nose.

Kitties are not supposed to be on tables. Bad kitty.

Zephyr recognized the voice as her own and could have burst into tears. Her former wizard’s body stood before her, now with the soul of the tigress. She seemed more content with their situation than Zephyr was, although she was adjusting to her new body and wobbled upon her newly acquired wizard’s legs.

Give me back my body. Zephyr growled as though rocks were stuck in her throat, as she now possessed a body that was not meant to speak.

Despite his injury, Ayagross scoffed from his belly. It would appear as though some of your magical essence transferred just as the unicorn’s did with the dragon. Such a waste of wizard’s magic.

I shall not waste any magic to make your head explode. Zephyr garbled some enchantments as best she could with her new voice, but to no avail. Ayagross’ head did not even so much as crack.

It would seem as though all the useful magic remained in your wizard’s body, Ayagross laughed.

Zephyr’s former body skipped in a circle. I have the wizard’s magic now. I shall cast spells and boss mortal creatures around. Whee! Being a wizard is so much fun.

More fun than you think, my pet, Ayagross said as he stitched up his wound. Would you like a kitty skin cloak as a ‘welcome to wizardhood’ gift?

The tigress in Zephyr’s body shivered. Oh, yes, I miss my fur. Being bald makes me cold, and these clothes reek as if every male tiger has marked me as part of his territory.

You shall die before you get the chance to skin me! Zephyr shouted.

Zephyr found new strength in her anger and lunged at Ayagross, but her former wizard’s body grabbed her tail and pulled with such a force that Zephyr twisted in agony. Zephyr seethed as she saw her own pink tongue stuck out from her former face.

You shall never become a proper kitty if you attack Master, Zephyr’s wizard’s body said.

Then you shall have to teach me the rules of feline etiquette.

Zephyr rolled her new body into her old legs and knocked her former self to the ground. Zephyr grabbed the scruff of what used to be her collar into her new teeth and ran as best she could from the cave. As her new eyes could perceive through the darkness, she had no difficulty in finding her way out. The screams that emitted from what used to be her throat pierced her ears like picks through ice. Zephyr’s newly acquired ears could still hear Ayagross’ curses for miles as she dragged what was once her body through the Fairy Wood into the darkness of night.

Zephyr’s former body writhed in her jaws. Return me to my master.

He is not our master, Zephyr said as best as she could with tigress jaws full of soiled cloth. I shall never allow you to submit my body to him. I shall remedy this situation with whatever powers I still have.

"You will obey me. Zephyr’s former body punched her new body on the snout. Zephyr dropped the wizard’s body, who yelped as she tumbled upon the ground. The old Zephyr found her footing and brushed herself off. I am the wizard now. It is your duty as the kitty to obey my commands."

I have always been a wizard, but now I am an animal and shall behave in any manner I deem fit. Zephyr’s energy rose with her new animal physique and she felt such a force course through her muscles as she never felt before. She pounced upon her former body but did not enjoy the sight of her former self writhing underneath her paws. Do not anger the kitty, or the kitty shall bite. She flashed her teeth to emphasize her point. I am the true wizard, and all obey wizards if they do not wish to be roasted from the inside. Mortals call it ‘heartburn,’ for a fire grows from their belly and rises to their hearts before their chest bursts into flames.

Zephyr’s old wizard’s face spilt with tears. You do not know how to do that… do you?

I can do it with a sneeze. I am your new master, do you understand? You shall not obey Ayagross until you are back into your true body. Get up, now. I shall figure this out in a few moments’ time.

Zephyr’s former body obeyed, for she had the soul of a kitty who always obeyed her master, and Zephyr’s forceful nature had frightened the former tigress into submission.

As the week passed, Zephyr could not create any magic with her newly acquired feline body. It was a sad truth, dear readers, that only her wizard’s body had the power to undo Ayagross’ spell, and the kitty was not the kind of creature with the intelligence to wield such power. Sometimes Zephyr could get her former body to perform a few spells, but they were nothing more than children’s party tricks, such making objects float or showing images in water. Worse still was that Zephyr had no choice but to talk to the creature who inhabited her old body, for she needed practice with speech for proper enunciation of her spells and had no other soul to talk to. Zephyr felt a bit crazy, as she was technically speaking to herself.

Well, kitty, the female wizard said as she chewed an overcooked sausage as though it were one of her toys that remained in the Wiz Cave, shall you admit defeat now? You have been trying and failing a lot.

I am not defeated yet, although I am at a loss as to what else I can do. Zephyr gnawed upon the skull of a boar. She did not know why she chased it down and killed it, but her new instincts made her feel great about doing it. Ayagross did this to me. He shall undo it, although I fear it shall have to be by force.

Back to Master? Yay! He loves me in the way that you do not and shall put you in your proper place.

I shall be the one to put him in his place, although I am uncertain as to how I can force him to do anything without ripping out his throat. I shall need a champion, like a Quester, who has enough skill to force Ayagross to obey without killing him before the deed is done. We must not take any men, as my experience with the opposite sex has proven that the male mortals are just as vile as male wizards.

Questers shall not help you, Zephyr’s former body gloated, for they are mortals, and mortals do not love wizards. I shall remain a wizard person forever and ever and ever. Hmm…that is a long time to be a person. I need a proper name. What should I call myself?

When wizard folk are born, Zephyr growled, their names are bestowed upon them by their mothers, since they do all the work. We do not get to choose our own name. As you are in my body, it is only fitting that I shall give you a name. I dub thee a Particularly Annoying Creature.

The female wizard pouted. That is not a nice name.

I shall call you ‘dung’ if it suits my liking… although Particularly Annoying Creature is a bit difficult to roll off the tongue. I shall call you ‘Pac’ for short, though do not become attached to it. The name is only temporary, for when our souls have returned to our proper bodies, you shall go back to whatever name Ayagross gave you.

I was only called ‘sweet kitty,’ the female wizard now known as Pac said. I always wanted a real name, but I guess he thought I was only a temporary pet, as most of his former furry friends leave him or die, from what I have heard from Ayagross’ tales. It would seem as though no one wants me forever.

Imagine that. Zephyr rolled her eyes, but as feline eyes were not made for such gestures, it appeared as though she had merely nodded.

After a few moments of their silent chewing, Guy Smokes, Assistant Barkeep of the Riff Raff Tavern in the village of Mudville, fell from the sky and dangled from his fairy rope above their fire, just as he did in the first part of the Righteous Trilogy.

Good morrow, ladies. Guy saluted them as best he could before the rope recoiled and brought him back upon the eagle’s back.

There is a female Quester who has tamed the wildest of all animals, Pac said, for she mistook Guy to be a maiden, as most people did upon their first glance of him. Perhaps she will help get rid of a certain mean kitty, and I can remain in this body forever.

Pac darted into the woods and Zephyr dashed after her, afraid to lose track of her former body. Although Zephry was uncertain of the Quester who had tamed the eagle, she thought that she could perhaps use the mortal as a human shield at the very least.

There is enough bad blood between mortals and wizards to convince this Quester to attack Ayagross, Zephry thought, and perhaps I can find that red oil and switch our souls back while the fiend is distracted. If the Quester were to die in the process, then that is one less mortal to stink up the land of Andra.

Chapter One

The Fate of the Monastery

Brother Malicide thought removing blood stains from the wooden floors was such an arduous chore. He would scrub with his hand brush until his nails were worn down to the quick, yet the stains of his brothers’ death throes could not be vanquished by mere soap and water. Indeed, after cleaning the same bloody spot five times in one afternoon, Brother Malicide gave up on the idea of having clean floors entirely.

It was not as though there were no end of other tasks requiring his attention. Between stitching up wounds, comforting the monastery’s adopted boys distraught from seeing childhood friends disemboweled, and collecting all the lost limbs scattered about for fear someone may trip over them and break his neck, Brother Malicide never had a moment’s peace.

Although his face was worn with the troubles of war, time was fairly kind to his features overall. The hair on the top of his head was gone, but it still grew around the sides and retained its original licorice black color. His body, though, was lean from his labors and ached with the tribulations of a hard life. It was not uncommon to hear some stomach-twisting pops whenever Brother Malicide stood up from his seat. He never uttered a word of complaint, for his mind was always on Renee, and he often imagined that the horrors she must be facing out in