Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart
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About this ebook
Each of us deserves to love and be loved in return. How can you find real, deep, and lasting love in a world that appears so superficial? Rather than looking at the world of dating like an obstacle course to be conquered, Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman shows that it can become an enlightening journey toward love that begins from within. By examining past experiences, understanding family dynamics, and exploring the place of spiritual connection in the dating world, Dr. Sherman illuminates the path to self-awareness -- the path that leads to the kind of real love you have been searching for. Finding your dating style and the set of beliefs you hold about your self-worth liberates you from just spinning your wheels and repeating mistakes. Dr. Sherman shows how we can become the partner we wish to attract, and asserts that anyone can learn how to truly let go of their past, embrace the present, and use the Law of Attraction to draw in a partner who is perfect for who you are -- without pretending to be someone you're not.
Paulette Kouffman Sherman
Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and the owner and director of My Dating School in Manhattan (www.mydatingschool.com), where she facilitates classes on dating issues. She pens a monthly dating column, "Dr. Date," in The Improper, a popular New York lifestyle and entertainment magazine, and has been quoted in many publications, including Glamour. Dr. Sherman is a regular speaker at The Learning Annex, has been a dating expert on radio and television, and has coached many private clients on creating successful relationships. She lives in Brooklyn, New York, with her husband.
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Dating from the Inside Out - Paulette Kouffman Sherman
INTRODUCTION
How many times have you commiserated with friends after a bad date? Have you ever complained that all the good ones are taken
? Has a girls’ night out ever turned into a man-bashing session? For many people, dating has become a necessary evil, a means to finding The One. It’s the dreaded job that gives people more to grumble about than to celebrate. As we engage in this dating gripe fest—in our head or with others—we unwittingly reinforce our dating stereotypes and fears.
This book can change all that. Dating doesn’t have to be a frustrating experience, full of rejection and confusion. It can shift to a transformative journey when you learn how to date from the inside out.
I have found that a force known as the Law of Attraction is working in every aspect of our lives. Like gravity or other laws of nature, this principle affects our lives without us really taking notice of it. But by becoming aware of it, we can make it work in our favor. According to this law, we attract what we consistently focus our attention on. As applied to your love life, if you focus on what you don’t like about dating or your insecurities, you attract more of the same. If you shift your attention to what you love about yourself and what you would love to attract in a partner, you tend to attract it. To me, The Law of Attraction means that when what you feel, think and do is aligned you most powerfully attract and manifest your desires. So if you are sitting around thinking about how much your ex has hurt you and how all men are cruel, you are unlikely to give your soul mate a chance. In contrast, if you feel great and deserving of a terrific partner you will be open to that opportunity and more likely to draw it.
It is important that you understand what I mean by the Law of Attraction because it is the foundation for part 1 of this book, which will help you remove anything internal that blocks you from realizing your heart’s desire. This book will help you start inside yourself, challenging your limiting beliefs and embracing your true self so that you can create the relationship with a partner that you’ve always wanted.
In the chapters ahead, you’ll complete exercises to help you discover how to create better, more successful matches as you examine three major sections:
Part 1: Unconscious Dating will help you understand why you keep picking the same type of partner. By identifying your patterns, you can begin to choose with new awareness, freedom, and success.
Part 2: Be the Partner You Wish to Attract—this section shifts your focus to you and what you want to create in your life so you can become the partner you want to attract. You’ll choose who you are as a partner, how satisfied you are with your life, and how clear you are about your Relationship Vision. You will discover what you want and then recognize the right partner when you meet them.
Part 3: Conscious Dating will help you date consciously so you can pick a great match. You will discover what you need in a partner, what you won’t accept, how to interview partners, and how to create a Dating Action Plan.
This is the perfect time for you to begin a Conscious Dating Journal. Keep a beautiful notebook or journal nearby as you read so you can complete each chapter’s exercises. This will be your touchstone. You may also like to refer back to it occasionally to remind yourself of the progress you’ve made on your dating journey.
FIGURE 1: Conscious Dating Journal
Dating, like anything else in life, is most successful when you are clear, committed, and aligned with your goal. Many popular dating books advise you to change your appearance or to act differently
to achieve success. This book reminds you that by exploring, embracing, and revealing your true self, you will have the most success in finding the right partner for you. The knowledge and skills you acquire will empower you to make changes the only way possible—through you!
Let’s get started!
PART 1
UNCONSCIOUS DATING
1
YOUR RELATIONSHIP PATTERN: RECREATING OLD EXPERIENCES IN THE PRESENT
Most of us pick the same partner again and again; they just look different! Maybe you thought of attraction as a good thing…but you will soon realize that we tend to attract what is familiar, not necessarily what is best for us.
Here’s an example: Sheila had an overprotective, demanding, and controlling father. This was her prototype of a relationship with a man. Consciously, she did not want a relationship like this, but it was what she knew. She was astounded to find that she was attracted to a man just like her father. Her new date called her three times a day, became jealous whenever she went out alone, and even had the same first name as her dad! After some time in therapy, Sheila made this dynamic conscious and became better able to create the type of relationship she wanted.
Another client named Melissa asked me, Why do all the selfish guys pick me?
She asserted that only bad boys
seemed to like her. She would meet them in a bar, they would sleep together, and these men would never call. As she revealed her story, it was clear that when nice guys
liked her, she did not find them attractive. Is she a victim of circumstance or is she unconsciously choosing this type of partner in order to transform something?
When something happens to us a few times, it is not accidental. We have to wonder if there is an unconscious pattern at play. There can be many underlying reasons that Melissa continued to pick bad boys. For example, perhaps she was already familiar with dismissive men, like her father. Maybe early on she learned that she was unworthy, so she picked men who treated her that way.
What do I mean by unconscious? It’s a word you will hear a lot. Our unconscious mind is where we hold the feelings, thoughts, and memories of which we are not aware. Often we have filed them away because they were too painful. We are equally unaware of how these thoughts and feelings affect our day-to-day experiences. Our job is to make the unconscious conscious so we can make the most of our ongoing experiences in romantic love.
In order to understand the root of your unconscious pattern, you need to really know yourself and examine your past experience. For your first step, identify your unconscious pattern or the type of mate you continually choose
to create some awareness. This will allow you to shift from being a victim to taking responsibility. You will do this in the next exercise, Relationship Dissection.
When Melissa completed the exercise she could not deny that all the men she was attracted to were selfish…and the one constant was that SHE chose them!
Exercise: Relationship Dissection
In this exercise, you’ll look at the type of mate you are attracted to, why you were attracted to them, and what was toxic about the relationship. This helps you to review your past relationships and discover the pattern of partner that you tend to pick again and again.
As I noted in the introduction, you should have a journal to accompany your journey through this book. This will be your Conscious Dating Journal, which will offer a record for visualizing your dating past, present, and future.
Take out your dating journal and make a horizontal list of all your past partners. Write their undesirable qualities in a vertical list beneath each name and then circle the qualities that they all had in common. For example:
Once you realize that you are picking the same traits again and again, you can assume you have a type.
Your unconscious thoughts attract that type of person because it is familiar. Your unconscious has an antenna that picks whomever is your dating type. In order to recognize the dating hole you fall in, you need to become clear about what your unconscious is seeking. The following poem by Portia Nelson, which I’ve paraphrased, describes how change works over time.
There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk
I walk down a street and there’s a big hole. I don’t see it and fall into it. It’s dark and hopeless and it takes me a long time to find my way out. It’s not my fault!
I walk down the same street. There’s a big hole and I can see it, but I still fall in. It’s dark and hopeless and it takes me a long time to get out. It’s still not my fault.
I walk down a street. There’s a big hole. I can see it, but I still fall in. It’s become a habit. But I keep my eyes open and get out immediately. It is my