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    What Your Son Isn't Telling You: Unlocking the Secret World of Teen Boys
    What Your Son Isn't Telling You: Unlocking the Secret World of Teen Boys
    What Your Son Isn't Telling You: Unlocking the Secret World of Teen Boys
    Ebook231 pages4 hours

    What Your Son Isn't Telling You: Unlocking the Secret World of Teen Boys

    By Michael Ross and Susie Shellenberger

    3.5/5

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    About this ebook

    What Your Son Isn't Telling You provides a rare look at the secret lives of teen boys--a world characterized by loneliness and peer fear; one in which measuring up as a man means conforming to a code of always being a tough guy, never showing weakness, and never expressing true feelings. Too many boys feel the constant pressure to prove themselves in classrooms, on playing fields, and especially among their friends. Deep inside they hunger for family support and connection--and long to be accepted by their peers. Each chapter of this must-read book is packed with real-life stories and emails from teen boys that will give parents a new understanding of what their sons aren't telling them.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherBaker Publishing Group
    Release dateFeb 1, 2010
    ISBN9781441207678
    What Your Son Isn't Telling You: Unlocking the Secret World of Teen Boys
    Author

    Michael Ross

    Michael Ross is a lover of history and great stories. He’s a retired software engineer turned author, with three children, and four grandchildren, living in Newton, Kansas with his wife of 38 years. Michael graduated from Rice University and Portland State University. He was born in Lubbock, Texas, and still loves Texas. He’s written short stories and technical articles in the past. “Across the Great Divide: Clouds of War” is his first novel.

    Read more from Michael Ross

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    Reviews for What Your Son Isn't Telling You

    3.5/5

    19 ratings8 reviews

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    • 3/5
      though geared fro mothers I did get quite a bit out of this book, hoping to be ready when my son becomes a teenager
    • 2/5
      As a mother of a young son, I was hoping for some good direction in handling the challenges of teenage boys. I appreciated the sound biblical basis of the author's advice, but it was a bit heavy on the how-to and didn't include enough depth of the issues. In general, I don't care for parenting books that provide sample scripts for approaching children. I'd have preferred more depth and discussion of the "why" and not so much "how."
    • 2/5
      This book is primarily written towards mothers, which is not a bad thing but there is so little emphasis on fathers leading their children that I found this component troubling. fathers seemed to added as almost an afterthought. regarding the contents of the book, if you are looking for a psycologized overview of why boys act the way they do, then this book may be an option. If you are looking for biblical help in understanding your son then get Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp (Shepherds Press) and Age of Opportunity by Paul Tripp (P & R). These two books will give the foundation for understanding your son. I would not recommend this book over all.
    • 4/5
      This is a book written to help parents know what is going on in their teenage boy's mind and how to best help then through the teen years. The book is written by Christian authors and they use the Bible as a foundation for their advice, which is very sound. The book covers a wide range of subjects and gives plenty of practical advice. The book doesn't seem to go too in depth into each subject, but rather gives you an overview of what's going on and what you should or should not do for your son. This book is a great resource for any parent of a teenage (or soon to be)boy.
    • 4/5
      A book designed for parents (tilted much more toward mothers) of teenagers and attempting to provide insights on how to be there for them throughout the difficulties of teenage life.The authors are involved in writing teen magazines and bring a "third party" perspective in an attempt to assist parents. Many representative e-mails are provided in each chapter to show that the material discussed do represent challenges for teenagers.Subjects covered include the general parent-child relationships, dealing with high school codes of guy conduct, things to know about what's going on inside the teen mind, developing a strong relationship with the teenager, matters of lust, porn, homosexuality, drugs, anger and depression, mothers and fathers as role models, risk taking, and handling falling away/apostasy. The book is very religious, specifically Evangelical Christian, in perspective. For the religious this adds a beneficial element; nevertheless, the Evangelical theology of faith only and the sinner's prayer are promoted. While designed for parents in general, it is clear that this book was written with the expectation that mothers will read it, and, i in the end, the book is most valuable for them, since they've never had the experience of being teenage boys. This book can go a long way to help describe what the teenager is feeling and how to work with them. At times the book speaks about different age groups and how to work with each and that is helpful. Fathers can find some helpful information in the book but will often feel as if the book is not written for them-- and, at many points, it is not. Nevertheless, a valuable book for parents who have teenage boys or will soon have teenage boys.***Disclaimer: reviewer received advanced reading copy; actual book may have revisions and be somewhat different than what was reviewed.***
    • 4/5
      What Your Son isn’t telling you, Michael Ross & Susie Shellenburger
      I have two very young boys age 3 and 6…I was interested in reviewing this book as a mother and a youth worker. Although I know there is nothing new under the sun, I also acknowledge that our children face a myriad of things at younger ages. I was surprised at the scope and depth of this book in the issues it coversand it’s readability. It deals with so many issues and offers great biblical wisdom and insight into effectively dealing with these issues and teaching our young men how to deal with them also. An excellent resource for any parent or youth worker. I truly appreciated the way the authors used true life experiences of youth age boys to show examples. A special thanks to the authors for their hard work and thoughtful application of the truth of the Word of God to all situations. An excellent resource I highly recommend it, I know mine will be well used.
      Thank you Bethany House for this free review copy.
    • 4/5
      Quick and easy read. Full of wisdom! Having survived one teenaged son and having another rapidly closing in on those turmultuous years I can attest that this book can equip you with the knowledge you need to survive and to grow your relationship with your child. I wish I had been able to read it 14 years ago.
    • 5/5
      Although I’ve had some fairly recent forays into the world of today’s teenaged boy – through my work as a one to one student aide in public school classrooms and by close association with a 16 year-old grandson who talks a LOT – this book surprised me. There’s a whole lot of inside information here! Indeed, the pressure cooker that my sons dealt with (and they’re in their early 30’s now) has been kicked up a few notches due to things that didn’t exist a few years ago; cyber-bullying, sexting, and proliferation of parent-free social networking sites. It was bad enough back then to convince me I had to home-school my kiddos, how much worse for any loving, concerned parent now?! (Terrible urge to include an OMG here.)I thought I was doing a pretty good job grandparenting my Bubba-Boy, but this book convicted me in several areas. First, the fragility and susceptibility of the masculine teen ego, especially to sarcasm and teasing, means I shouldn’t be calling Mike, “my Bubba-Boy” ever again. Secondly, he needs a man-cave into which he can retreat whenever he wants regardless of my scheduled plans – I frequently haul that poor boy all over the place to orthodontic appointments, track meets, Great Grandparent lawn-mowings, Youth Group activities… Even if he wants to go to these places and do these things, he needs more down time than he normally gets during the school year.The co-author, Susie Shellenberger, earned my respect with her work for Focus on the Family. Although Focus doesn’t appear to have published this book itself (I’m not sure what their current in-house publisher status is), I believe What Your Teenage Son… is a solid resource with a distinctly Christian view. I unequivocally recommend this for everyone who cares about teens.

    Book preview

    What Your Son Isn't Telling You - Michael Ross

    © 2010 by Michael Ross and Susie Shellenberger

    Published by Bethany House Publishers

    11400 Hampshire Avenue South

    Bloomington, Minnesota 55438

    www.bethanyhouse.com

    Bethany House Publishers is a division of

    Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan

    www.bakerpublishinggroup.com

    Ebook edition created 2017

    All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

    ISBN: 978-1-4412-0767-8

    Unless otherwise identified, Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com

    Scripture quotations identified TLB are from The Living Bible, copyright © 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

    Cover design by Greg Jackson, Thinkpen Design, Inc.

    Authors are represented by WordServe Literary Group.

    To my family,

    Tiffany and Christopher,

    I love you both

    —Michael

    Contents

    Cover    1

    Title Page    3

    Copyright Page    4

    Dedication    5

    Introduction: Mysteries of the Guy Zone    9

    1. How a Boy’s World Looks and Feels    13

    2. Breaking the Code of Cruelty    29

    3. Eight Things I Need You to Know About Me    38

    4. Teen Guy Battlegrounds    53

    5. Making Contact: Getting Through to Your Son    73

    6. Helping Him Unmask His True Self    87

    7. Lust, Sex, and Dating    103

    8. Keeping Him Safe in Cyberspace: Unplugging Porn    126

    9. Is Gay Okay?    134

    10. The Furious Five: What Guys Need    145

    11. Anger and Depression    157

    12. What He Needs From Mom    173

    13. Father Hunger and Guy Time    193

    14. Wired for Risks?    204

    15. Lost in Space: If a Boy Rejects Christianity    218

    Conclusion: Lead, Guide . . . PRAY!    227

    Notes    233

    About the Authors    237

    Back Ad    239

    Back Cover    241

    Introduction

    Mysteries of the Guy Zone

    Imagine if your teenage son freely opened up and shared what’s really going on inside his head. You’d probably lose consciousness, right?

    And if he came home from school speaking in complete sentences—as opposed to his usual grunt-like expressions (Uh-huh, Naaaa, I dunno!)—you’d be making a frantic 9-1-1 call: Hello, police? I’d like to report an impostor on the premises. He says he’s my son, but I know better!

    In reality, that once-affectionate kid who used to talk your ear off is now beginning to pull away. He’s being replaced by a man-sized teen who claims your hugs invade his space. Ironic, isn’t it? Just when your son needs you the most, he shuts down. This leaves parents everywhere desperate for answers:

    I try to carry on a simple conversation, and it becomes an argument.

    I make an effort to give my advice, and it doesn’t get through.

    I reach out with respect, and all I get is attitude.

    Sound familiar? If you’re beginning to lose patience, don’t lose heart. During our more than fifty combined years of experience with teenagers, we’ve observed that just beneath a boy’s alien exterior is an amazing young man who has a head full of hopes, dreams, fears, and questions, as well as a whole bunch of other serious thoughts. With a little prompting, he’s very capable of sharing them—especially with Mom and Dad. And regardless of how hard it feels at times, we urge you to try.

    You are the greatest influence in your son’s life, and even though he doesn’t always show it, your support means everything to him. That’s why we’re convinced that you can spark meaningful communication—more than just Uh-huh and I dunno—and nurture a closer relationship.

    How? Get connected with three basic relational links—keys that can unlock the door to your son’s world.

    Please Clue In: I’m Not You!

    The first relational link is empathy. Through the years, we’ve received thousands of emails from teenagers, and we’ve talked to young people from all walks of life and from nearly every corner of the world. The boys we meet often echo the same message to parents: "Don’t tell me how it was for you. Clue in to how it is for me—here and now. Take an interest in how my world looks and feels . . . and try to understand what I’m going through."

    This book can help. Within these pages you’ll hear the voices of real teen guys, and you’ll get a rare look at their secret world: an often brutal landscape that’s characterized by loneliness and peer fear; one in which measuring up as a man means conforming to the Cruel Cool Code of always being a tough guy, never showing weakness, and never expressing true feelings.

    You’ll read what boys think and feel—and what they need from you—as they navigate a variety of challenges: confronting bullies; finding their true identities; battling lust and pornography; abstaining from sex; questioning homosexuality; and steering clear of drugs, drinking, and the social scene.

    Trust Me, and I’ll Trust You.

    The second relational link is trust. I need this from my parents more than anything else, one boy told us. I can’t handle it when they think I’m doing drugs or getting into trouble, when in reality I’m not. I need them to trust that I’m a good kid—even if I stumble.

    Now listen to the ache of another boy who is struggling to respect his parents: Trust was shattered in our home long ago. Mom and Dad say stuff like, ‘Don’t drink, smoke, lie, fight, or cheat,’ yet they do it all the time. How can I listen to people who don’t walk their talk—even if they are my parents?

    Trust is fragile and is sometimes hard to build, yet it’s universally important to every teen guy. It’s also a primary reason the young man in your life may shut you down while other adults—such as coaches, youth ministers, teachers—can command his full attention.

    We’ll guide you through the issue of trust and show you why it is important to build it by earning the right to be heard.

    Stay Close and Let Me Breathe.

    No doubt there’s a war of independence going on with your son—that constant, tension-filled struggle you experience as your teen boy moves toward adulthood.

    It hurts when Mom and Dad don’t have time for me, a young man told us. But it’s just as frustrating when they smother me. Give me some breathing room. Let me try stuff on my own, and even allow me to fail. I’ll survive. I might even come out stronger than before.

    The third relational link: consistent, balanced connections. This means setting parameters . . . and knowing when to step back. It means picking your battles and letting go from time to time. Above all, it means taking an interest in your son’s world every day, and letting him step into yours.

    I want a deeper connection with my parents, says another teen boy. I need to hear from them, ‘I love you,’ ‘I’m proud of you,’ ‘I won’t give up on you.’ I need them to be there for me.

    Face it: Teen guys are stressed out. Far too many feel the constant pressure to prove themselves in classrooms, on playing fields, and especially among their friends. Now more than ever they need change. Whether or not they’re willing to admit it, deep inside they hunger for family support and connection—and they long to be accepted by their peers.

    They’re counting on you to teach, protect, and look after their well-being in this very big, frightening world.

    These are the things your son isn’t telling you. . . .

    Chapter 1

    How a Boy’s World Looks and Feels

    Jeanna Smith wasn’t about to give up on her teenage son, Nick.

    Despite a big fight they’d had earlier—and some hurtful things he’d said—Nick was a good kid. Jeanna knew he was going through some hard times right now: He was rejected by a girl he liked, he was being picked on by some guys at school, and he hadn’t made the basketball team.

    Honey, you haven’t touched your spaghetti, she said to her son during dinner. You’ve got to eat—otherwise you’ll get sick.

    Nick shot a hurt look at Jeanna. Too late, Mother, the sixteen-year-old snapped. "I’m already sick—sick of all the crud I deal with every day. Totally SICK of my life!"

    Then you don’t have to eat, Jeanna said. Let’s talk. I’ll listen. Tell me what’s going on inside—

    Where’s Dad? Nick asked.

    He’s working late—

    Again! Nick snapped, interrupting Jeanna. "He’s never around. It’s just you and me. We’re not a real family. Everything is so messed up. I just can’t take it anymore."

    Before Jeanna could utter another word, Nick stood up and threw his fork on the table. Look, I don’t want to talk—to anyone. With that he stormed out of the kitchen.

    Jeanna slumped back in her chair and pushed her food away. Lately it seemed as if Nick was on an emotional roller coaster. He was even pulling away from Jeanna’s attempts to reach out. The weary mom was scared, confused, and desperate. Most of all, she was starting to lose her patience.

    As she sat at the kitchen table, she began to think about a promise she had read earlier in the Bible:

    Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. (Isaiah 43:1b–3a)

    Jeanna rubbed her eyes and took a deep breath. I’m barely treading water, yet I know I’ve got to trust. I realize I have to stay strong and not let this get the best of me.

    Later that evening, Jeanna stood quietly by her son’s room and poured out her heart in prayer: Lord, I know Nick doesn’t mean to act this way. And I know that I need to be a source of strength—and reach out now more than ever. Please be my source of strength. Give me the right words and actions. Most of all, don’t let me lose him.

    Jeanna tapped on the door. Nick, can I come in?

    Whatever.

    Jeanna pushed open the door. I just wanted to say good-night . . . and maybe get a hug.

    Nick just blinked.

    Jeanna sat down on the edge of the bed and embraced her son.

    Postcards From the Edge

    Here’s some good news for weary moms: You can improve communication with your son, guide him through all those jumbled emotions inside, and even nurture better parent/teen connections on the home front. How? You and your husband must clue in to the unique, boy-specific ways in which teen guys think and feel . . . and take an interest in how their world looks.

    Here’s a snapshot:

    He must survive a climate that in one moment is playful and childlike, then suddenly changes to harsh, overwhelming, and cruel.

    Popularity is measured by how well he does with the opposite sex.

    Rejection is a fate worse than death.

    His drive for independence is as strong as his drive for food.

    He is fascinated by those strange creatures known as the opposite sex.

    He can’t even control his own emotions from minute to minute.

    You’re probably thinking, Hey, this describes my teenage years! (Some things never change.) But while there are core issues common to every generation, boys are coming of age in a high-tech world that’s vastly different from the one you and I had to navigate. His world is more connected and much more complex.

    Computer technology has exploded, making it much easier for guys to interface with others anywhere in the world. What’s more, families have taken a beating. Divorce rates are at record levels, even among Christian households. And in this day and age of high-tech toys and low-tech values, sin is packaged, downloaded, and made accessible to the masses as never before.

    With this in mind, let’s examine some key issues facing boys at each stage of development, along with ideas on how you can steer him through the challenges of adolescence.

    TWEEN (Ages 10–13): Prepare for the Journey

    I love music and sports and have plastered the walls of my room with all the people I love. My mom thinks I’m obsessing . . . but I think it’s cool!—Tanner, 12

    Girls call and text me all the time. I love it, but my parents are kinda freaking out. They’ve given me the talk again, which totally grosses me out.—Chad, 12

    I admit I’m sort of addicted to video games. I think they’re awesome. Mom and Dad, on the other hand, seem worried and always lecture me about going outside and getting exercise and stuff.—Jonathan, 11

    Sometime on or before his thirteenth birthday, the average male transforms from an enthusiastic, wide-eyed elementary kid to an emotionally unpredictable, uncommunicative alien—otherwise known as a teenager. One word best describes his life during this phase of life: change.

    Pastor and youth expert Gary Hunt says, Regardless of whether or not physical puberty has arrived, the middle school mentality has led them from childhood to adolescence, from an end to a beginning. As adolescence is the bridge between childhood and adulthood, so the middle-school years are the bridge between childhood and adolescence.1

    Parents of tweenage boys must prepare their sons for the journey ahead. Here are three key things you should do before puberty hits:

    Alleviate his fears. Tell him this: Sometime soon your hormones will kick into gear, and you’ll begin the transformation from boy to man.

    Explain that his growth into manhood is hereditary. He’ll develop at a similar rate as his father. So Dad may want to sit down with his son and answer a few questions: how old he was when he began to grow taller, how old he was when puberty hit, how he handled all the scary body changes.

    Constantly remind him of God’s plan. Despite all the different body shapes and sizes he sees at school or in the locker room, he can rest assured that he’s normal! He is created by the one and only God Almighty, the God of the universe, and He never makes mistakes. His timing is perfect.

    Five Tweenage Extremes to Note

    Extreme hero worship

    Extreme avoidance of parents

    Extreme crushes

    Extreme humor

    Extreme energy

    EARLY TEEN (Ages 13–15): The Incredible Morphing Kid

    I don’t have any hair down there. In fact, my face and body still look like those of an elementary school kid, not a young man. Am I okay?—Jonah, 15

    I get erections all the time—usually at the wrong times, like when a girl walks up to me and says, Hi! It’s totally embarrassing. I feel like some kind of sex freak.—Andre, 14

    I hate my body. Other guys my age have muscles and stuff. I’m way too skinny and short—and I have a face full of zits. Life stinks!—Braden, 15

    Time magazine reporter Nancy Gibbs described the early teen years as the age of childhood leaning forward and adulthood holding back, when the world gets suddenly closer, the colors more vivid, the rules subject to never ending argument.2

    Boys this age have bodies that are chemical laboratories, exploding with all kinds of new activity. And with all these changes going on inside (and outside), your early teen can’t help asking himself, Is this normal? Am I normal?

    Maybe he has sprouted three inches above everyone else his age. Or maybe his peers did the growing, and he feels abnormal. It’s important that you continue to alleviate his fears, assuring him that his development is a normal part of growing up.

    Tell him this: Your body is changing and you’re getting a new look. Occasionally you’ll wish you could hide behind a sign that says ‘Stay Away—Under Construction!’ But try to be patient, because when the manhood-morphing process is over, you’re going to like the new you.

    Your son will also probably change some part of his identity. He will shuck off the identity you have given him as easily as he discards the clothes you buy him, Gary Hunt points out. Some of these passing phases will be incorporated into the person he will ultimately become; others will fade away.3

    During the early teen years, it’s essential that you help your boy make sense of another change in his life—his sexual awakening. By now he has probably noticed a strong appetite for sex. Sadly, though, much of what he’ll learn about this wondrous part of his life will come from his peers, including misinformation about girls. What’s more, your

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