Our Fathers, Who Art in Heaven

1

Satan, I command you! Appear, and fulfill our desires in return for our eternal devotion!

Three teenagers found themselves surrounding a hastily scrawled chalk pentagram in a damp basement. Their fourth companion uttered these fateful words, having finished his ritual.. It was quite a task to discern what was necessary to summon their dark lord and savior, since many historical texts could only take a stab in the dark. Bat’s wings? Fresh goat blood? A human heart? These all sounded like grotesque things that would bring the lord of Hell into this world. Did they ever work? Not once. Nonetheless, these kids managed to luck into the right combination, mainly as a result of being bored enough to try so many different combinations that they finally narrowed it down.

Unfortunately, what appeared was not exactly what their research promised.

There was no horned goat in front of them, no fearsome beast crawling up from the fiery depths of hell. Instead, before them appeared middle aged white guy dressed in a tweed jacket, sweater vest, dress shirt, slacks, and some rather nice brown shoes. He sighed as the teenagers rose to greet the serpent they apparently summoned. Their tallest friend actually saw eye to eye with this supposed devil they had summoned.

What in the hell is thi- one of them uttered before freezing completely.

In fact, all four had stopped moving. The man may have not looked the part, but he sure was Satan, all right.

"Ugh, again? This always happens when I’m in the middle of something. What is it with teenagers and getting me to show up in your basement? You’re lucky I love you! But, I am the dark lord Satan after all, so here’s what you’re going to do for me. First, you’re going to forget this ever happened. As far as you’re concerned, you didn’t get off that couch for eight hours. You all got really high and thought you saw the devil. Nope. Next, while I appreciate your... dedication, I can’t really use you. I bet none of you can even speak telekinetically! What good is that to me?

Now then, I’m going to snap my fingers. Once that happens, I will be gone, you never saw me, and you’ll never try this business again. Not because I’m terrible, but because you have better things to do. Maybe mom was right, maybe getting that college degree or picking up a trade really is a good idea. Whatever you do, forget this whole mess. Got it? Then get to it! This place is filthy. I raised you better!"

Lucifer snapped his fingers and disappeared before the sound waves hit the teens’ eardrums, bringing them back to life. After giving each other a very particular ‘let’s not tell anyone about this’ look, they swept up the chalk and threw out the ritual leftovers as quickly as they could manage.

Meanwhile, hundreds of miles away, in a college office building in the northeastern United States, Satan walked back into his office. It wasn’t anything too special; no sense bringing attention to yourself when you’re the one the entire world associates with complete and total evil. Sporting a black, solid wood desk, the room was plainly adorned with several bookshelves, a few chairs for guests, a relatively modern computer, and a white lily on the windowsill for decor. If you didn’t know better, you’d laugh at the idea of this being Satan’s office. Therein lay Lucifer’s plan: hide in plain sight. In this particular context, a tweed suit was better camouflage than any chameleon could manage.

Lucifer sat down in his cushy office chair. Thankfully, the tea he made before being interrupted was still warm. If it had cooled, the dark lord probably would have seriously considered leaving the teenagers in some sort of embarrassing pose. Still on his computer screen was the weekly report on the Spear of Longinus. Satan sat down to try and analyze the spear’s movements this week. Two ‘sales’, if only in name, moving the spear from Dallas to Seattle to some tiny town in Michigan. ‘An eccentric buyer’ was the only identifying information given to public record, a trick God and his associates liked to pull as often as they possibly could.

The spear was a part of the original pact the two made before time existed, before the earth itself was actually a thing, to create a species that the two could call children. If either deity decided the other wasn’t performing up to standard, they could use the spear to bring both parties down to earth, so to speak. Unfortunately, neither of them could decide on a neutral place to keep it, so God squirreled the artifact away. Ever since, Satan was always one step behind his holier-than-thou counterpart.

Satan’s idea of using the spear originated from a disagreement in parenting technique. Minor miracles here and there were allowed, mainly to keep humanity alive until the species hit intelligence. Once this was achieved, Lucifer proposed that they cut off support. God reluctantly agreed,  Right around the time that a particular religion got going, God decided that ‘hey, they figured it out! I can help now, right?’  In order to truly reach great heights as a species, he proposed, both Satan and himself should protect their newly enlightened children from larger dangers. Still holding true to the original set of rules, Satan naturally disagreed. Thus, this new game began. God hid the spear so Lucifer couldn’t use it to get him under control.

Presently, the  was hiding his base of operations by hiring his family to work around the office.  Beelzebub, the closest thing Satan had to a brother, was the department secretary and PR agent. If any of the group had to be somewhere, or if a ‘miracle’ had to be delivered, Bill was your man. Out on the loading dock, Behemoth and Leviathan kept up a facade as a married couple running the shipping department while they provided any necessary muscle. If there was grunt work to do, an intern appeared, and that intern was part of the nigh omnipresent Legion.

On the other side of this dysfunctional family, God was currently running - of course - a church down in Alabama. He had . Gabriel managed extracurriculars while the big guy preached, and minor angels were allowed to dispense miracles. While the former was charged with the important task of handling the spear, lesser angels handled the bulk of the work thanks to God’s lax position on dispensing miracles. Similar to Legion, they could often be found swarming around the church and the nearby locale to get any particulars worked out.

Despite the physical distance, both sides kept a fairly close eye on each other. Both deities were effectively omnipotent, of course, but preferred to keep more drastic options off the table. Little ‘occurrences’ popped up from time to time, but today was quiet. Satan was using that peace to gather his thoughts on nabbing his prize.

At least, until his phone rang.

Hello? Lucas I. Ferguson speaking, he said, slightly irritated. If this wasn’t someone he trusted, it was important to pretend to be annoyed that someone dare call after hours.

It’s Bill, I trust you got the reports? the voice on the other end inquired.

Oh, whew, good. If this wasn’t you, I was about to unload. I got summoned twice earlier. I guess I’m popular with kids, now. But yeah, I read them. The old eccentricity card again. I’m getting tired of that ruse. Any leads?

Of course, you know how I operate. One of them is a dominion living in a very large, very fake house. The other is probably just some regular winghead who thinks they’re getting a promotion. Legion’s on it, but obviously they can’t get too close. They’re heading out tomorrow on a few planes, so hopefully by noon I’ll have some intel for you.

Ah, Bill, what would I do without you? Thanks, pal. Twice in a week is excessive, though I suppose they want to keep a few steps ahead. Also, I fudged some tickets up to send Legion to a few potential buyers, just in case wingus maximus doesn’t think this is enough. Hopefully, that precaution will be unnecessary. Get some rest tonight, let Legion handle things. If you want, I’ll wrap things up here and we can have a glass of Malbec, see what happens.

Works for me, I’ve been dry all day. Coffee doesn’t really get me going the same way a nice red does. I’ll leave the door unlocked. Maybe bring two, the brutes are here.

Lucifer hung up, and shut down his computer. Sighing, he grabbed his long coat and shut the office door. This never gets easier, he thought. Thank goodness humanity discovered wine.

——-

Less than an hour later, Satan showed up to an apartment building in a small suburb with two bottles of red wine. Pressing the button for apartment 66, he opened the door after someone upstairs buzzed him in. A quick stroll later, he was knocking just below those very numbers..

Ah, there you are! Good to see you leaving the office for once. I’ll take those, thank you very much.

Satan was facing down his good friend Beelzebub, aptly named William Bubb where humanity was concerned. Currently, the taller, more toned demon was undoing his shirt collar. He didn’t particularly mean to aesthetically upstage his boss, but being in a more social position demanded he take certain creative liberties. Beelzebub’s job was to look good while he talked to whoever walked in. As an added little pinch, Bill usually sported a permanent five o’clock shadow, claiming it added a bit of mystique. No one really complained, though there was an ongoing face-covered-in-flies joke that got thrown around that Beelzebub could never quite shake. Tonight, though, he had already traded in his dress shoes for a pair of fuzzy slippers, which somehow matched his white trousers.

Bzzzz, bzzz! Don’t mind us, we’re just two of Bill’s henchmen! Bzz! called out a female voice from farther in.

That voice belonged to Behemoth, who was currently flapping her arms like little wings. Her partner, Leviathan, was too busy guffawing to add anything further.

Oh, give him a break Beth! The man’s been hard at work. He deserves a little something something I’d say. Don’t worry, I didn’t forget you two, Satan responded.

Good! We picked off two wingheads today, and had eyes on a dozen more! I’d say we earned a little drink, too... Leviathan added in after catching his breath.

Alright, alright, everyone did work today. I’m proud of all of you. Tell me what you’ve all got going on, then.

Well, like I said, I’ve got Legion doing work on a few prospects, but nothing concrete. Tomorrow we should know more. I’ve convinced a few more auction houses that they should refuse anyone with a particularly old spear. Thankfully, it turns out that auctioneers can be very superstitious people. That covers Michigan, at least. If only I could have such influence everywhere, Beelzebub answered.

Well, we got the two wings trying to sneak into your office while you were in class, that’s a start. A lot of them have been watching our shipments, too. You know, hanging out around the dock pretending to ‘study’ or what have you. I still say we should have picked a school that wasn’t so accessible. Kids got no reason to be around receiving, but the angels don’t understand that. We dealt with them privately, of course, but it’s getting in the way of more important business, Behemoth chimed in.

Hmm, I see. I’ve been helping Legion keep up on anyone, wing or not, who might be interested in nabbing the spear, Satan announced. They’re covering a few miracles that God’s planning on tomorrow, but I’ll see if I can’t get a bit more security set up. Oh, you’ll get a kick out of this Levi, I got summoned by some office drones today! Right before the teenagers did it, these three guys on their lunch break put me in a supply closet. Their incantations were practically whimpers, the poor things. I told them to consider going for a grad degree instead of asking Satan to make their jobs better. Nice kids of ours, if only you could have seen the look on their faces!

Everyone laughed as Beelzebub poured the wine. Now that everyone not furiously working overtime was present, they moved to the living room to relax after a hard day’s work. Not that time particularly mattered to them, being essentially free from the needs of a human body. But, keeping a set schedule helped everyone blend in better with normal society, so it was encouraged.

So, what’s on the agenda for tomorrow? Satan asked from his throne - in this case, Beelzebub’s second recliner. Still comfy, but not quite as good as Bill’s personal chair.

Well, we’ve got a nice shipment coming in tomorrow from Egypt. Some archaeological dig found a few pendants, apparently they let you know when folks on our level are around. I’d prefer we acquire as many of those as possible, mainly so the other side can’t have ‘em. I’ll let you know the details when I get them, might be a few more up for sale. Maybe we could throw a little cash their way to convince them we’re good for business. I mean, they always need funding for whatever project they’re on to. We scratch their backs, they scratch ours and all, Leviathan responded.

Sounds good, I’ll pass the word along. Beelzebub?

Well, I figure I’ll take me a nice business trip into the city. Wingheads have been busy all week with their faith healing. I say it’s time for science to show them who’s the boss. I dunno how you got humanity to get into biotechnology, but it’s certainly great for business.

Fantastic! Legion’s around too, if you need them. I’m sadly confined to keeping up appearances. Perhaps being a professor wasn’t the best disguise, but it does allow me some rather pleasant connections. Don’t forget to take an hour off here and there. You’ve been working yourself silly with funding and such.

Everyone else nodded. Satan proposed a toast to their favorite children, humanity, to which the group drained their glasses. After filling up again, the four traded stories late into the night before getting back to work.

2

The phone rang. Generally, Satan expected work calls to start around eight, when the department really got rolling for the day. Considering the sun just rose, Satan figured either something went horribly wrong, or something even worse was going horribly wrong. After sipping a fresh cup of coffee, he begrudgingly picked up.

Luke? Bill. We’ve got problems. I’m coming in. After everyone left, I had to do a little investigation. -click-

As soon he put the receiver down, Satan’s door opened. Beelzebub stumbled in quite disheveled, looking rather distressed for a supposed smooth operator.

Good, you’re alone. I’m going to lock the door, he said. After turning the bolt and sitting down, he continued.

You’ve gotta go talk to God! People not dying, totally out of bounds, I know they’re our children but...

"Bill, calm down and think for a second! You know you’re not supposed to just shift right into my door like that! What if someone was outside? What if they saw you?