Motivate Your Child: A Christian Parent's Guide to Raising Kids Who Do What They Need to Do Without Being Told

Introduction

Imagining the Destination

Happiness may be found in the destination, but character is built in the journey.

The camera pans across snow-capped mountains, zooming in on a resort with happy skiers on the Colorado ski slopes. The scene then shifts to a sandy beach in Hawaii, with two people laughing as they play in the waves. As you watch the beauty, you wonder, What is this commercial about, anyway? It sure looks inviting. At that same moment your answer comes on the screen. It’s an advertisement for a travel agency.

When a travel company creates a commercial, they don’t display the inside of their office. Instead, they show you where they can take you and the places you can go. Delightful beaches, majestic mountains, and exotic locations provide a vision of new possibilities.

In the same way, we want to invite you to take the next few minutes to catch a vision for what happens to you and your family when you work on internal motivation with your kids. Frankly, you’ll likely need to make some changes in the way you parent, so it’s helpful to get the bigger picture. When you recognize the impact by looking at the destination, you’re more likely to make the commitment.

In this book you’ll learn how to develop self-motivation in your children. When parents deliberately work on spiritual and moral development, their kids accumulate new resources in their hearts. The heart contains a child’s operating principles.

God’s GPS

Moral and spiritual development increase internal motivation. Amazing things happen when you teach and train your child in those two areas. Specific parenting strategies will adjust common relating patterns, and you’ll watch the changes take place in your child’s heart.

If you imagine the destination, you’ll think about where you want your child to be in twenty-five years. Close your eyes and try to think into the future. What will your child be like? Do you think of a job or marriage? Who knows what that might be like? But you can also imagine things like integrity, a strong work ethic, responsibility, and a healthy faith. If your son or daughter has those things, then whatever else comes, your child will be prepared. Keeping the destination in mind provides you with greater motivation in the challenges you face and the decisions you’ll make in the next year, month, week, and even today.

We know you want your kids to be successful. That’s why you carefully consider schooling options, encourage extracurricular activities, and help your children choose friends wisely. But some parents define successful as having a good job and being happy in life. They confuse the destination with the journey. If you try to give your kids the destination by providing them with all the toys that come with human success, you may find that your kids lack the character to manage them.

On the other hand, parents who emphasize the journey are able to help their kids understand life, work through the challenges, and know how to read the map. In time, those kids not only arrive at the destination of godly success but they understand how they got there and what’s important in life.

A problem takes place when parents confuse the destination with the journey.

Parenting is the process of giving children the tools to navigate life. Speaking of tools, a GPS is a wonderful invention. It can help guide a driver from one place to another, avoid the traffic, and find various attractions along the way. But a GPS is only as valuable as the data it relies upon. It’s not uncommon to follow the GPS to the promised Mexican restaurant, only to find a vacant lot or a residential area.

One couple, driving their SUV from Klamath Falls, Oregon, got stuck in a huge snowstorm for three days because they followed their GPS. The little device told them to take a small road as a shortcut through the mountains to get where they wanted to go. Unfortunately, the dirt road wasn’t such a good idea after all. It wound endlessly through the mountains and when the snowstorm hit, became impassable. The GPS had indicated the shortest route, but in this case, it wasn’t the safest route. The lure of a shortcut led this couple into an unwanted detour.

We know you’d like your child to be more self-motivated when you’re trying to get out the door in the morning, or when your child is working on homework, doing chores, or trying to develop kindness toward his or her siblings. You’ll learn how to build that internal motivation in the coming chapters. But it’s important to understand where the internal sense of responsibility and compassion comes from. Some good theology about the human heart can produce great application for daily chores and activities. You’ll apply this theology to your kids whether they are preschoolers, elementary age, or teens. As you read further, we’ll move back and forth between a long-term vision for your kids and dealing with the everyday responsibilities of life.

Some good theology about the human heart can produce great application for daily chores and activities.

God has created an internal GPS inside the human heart. It’s made up of two things: a strong faith and a good conscience. The two work together to help you accurately navigate the roads of life, so you’ll choose not simply the most convenient path, but the wisest one. They help you make choices based on internal conviction instead of simply acting to get some kind of reward. Don’t just take our word for it. Let’s look at the Scriptures.

Paul, in encouraging young Timothy to be wise in navigating his own life, described faithfulness this way: holding on to faith and a good conscience. He went on to say, Some have rejected these and so have shipwrecked their faith (1 Timothy 1:19). Of all the things Paul could have used to describe the difference between those who stay the course and those who shipwreck their faith, he picked these two: faith and a good conscience. These two internal navigation tools were designed to maneuver the human heart through the challenges of life.

The purpose of this book is to define those two tools and to provide you with hands-on strategies to give each of your children an accurate and reliable GPS for his or her heart. Passing on the faith to kids and helping them each develop a clear and strong conscience are strategic for success in life. The Holy Spirit uses these tools as he directs a person and guides that individual’s everyday actions.

It’s not very helpful to look at a map after you’ve already reached the end of your journey. It’s more beneficial to use it as a tool to get from where you are to where you need to be. Children can understand map reading and navigation as parents walk through life with them. There’s a lot to learn about plotting the best route and then changing course to avoid problems, or hanging in there to overcome them. Some of the dangerous curves or hidden icebergs are hard to see in advance without a navigational tool. Ships run aground and cars go over cliffs because of poor navigation.

When parents provide the destination without the navigation, kids often don’t develop character and thus lack the tools necessary for success. On the contrary, when parents teach their children how to navigate life and anchor their decisions based on God’s signposts and directions, their kids can find their way to new heights and uncharted territory. In this book, we’ll show you how.

It’s All About the Heart

The heart, as the Bible defines it, is a complex piece of equipment placed inside of every person. Jesus said in Matthew 12:34, Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The reality is that problems happen in the heart before they happen in behavior. That was much of Jesus’ message in the Sermon on the Mount. For example, he warned of the similarity between anger, which begins in the heart, and murder. They’re both forms of revenge. Of adultery he said, "Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart"(Matthew 5:28, emphasis added).

A huge piece of internal motivation is beliefs, and those beliefs reside inside the heart and impact daily decision making. Every week as you interact with your children regarding spiritual things, you’ll contribute to their healthy spiritual understanding of God, the world, and their own hearts. And because you’re doing it over time, your children’s spiritual lives will become integrated into what they do and how they think.

Furthermore, children are developing their moral character at a rapid rate. They’re determining in their hearts the difference between right and wrong. The fibers of morality grow together to make each of your children into the person that God intended. It doesn’t happen by accident. Moral and spiritual development happen together, and the work you do makes a lasting impact. Conscience development, however, is more than just moral development. It helps children develop a sense of responsibility. Consider the following examples.

Ricardo is five years old. He has a hard time following instructions and often has a bad attitude. Dad must discipline him regularly for his poor responses.

At one point, Dad sat down with Ricardo and explained why having a bad attitude is a problem. Ricardo, he said, you’re going to be receiving instructions for the rest of your life. Sometimes you won’t want to do what’s asked. One of the jobs God designed for you in our family is to learn how to follow instructions with a good attitude. Hidden within obedience are the secret ingredients you’ll need to be successful in life. So we’re going to practice following instructions with a good attitude in a way that pleases your mom and me and God.

Every night, when Dad tucked Ricardo into bed, he prayed that God would make Ricardo strong so he could follow instructions with a good attitude. He used a multifaceted approach to helping his son change, including discussion, firmness, prayer, and practice. Framing the picture, along with a lot of daily work, helped Ricardo make significant changes in his attitude toward following instructions.

A mother believed that her daughter, Su, age thirteen, was too consumed with electronics. Mom realized that the real spiritual issue had to do with Su wanting to please herself instead of thinking about others. Mom decided to limit computer and video game time and met with her daughter to plan ways to think of others, both around their home and outside the family. She said to her daughter, God helped the Philippians learn to think of others. In a letter Paul wrote to them, he said, ‘Do nothing out of selfish ambition . . . , but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.’ We want to be like that too. Together they planned ways to value others, and each evening Mom would ask Su, What act of kindness did you do today? Mom used the Scriptures in a positive way to help her daughter see that her purpose in life was not to have fun but to serve others.

Mom used the Scriptures in a positive way to help her daughter see that her purpose in life was not to have fun but to serve others.

Juan, age nine, was mean to his six-year-old brother, Carlos. Carlos was annoying, and everyone knew it. Juan believed that if his brother was annoying, he had the right to be mean to him. After all, he deserved it. Dad and Mom decided to make some changes. They wanted to help Juan develop the kind of compassion Jesus had. Instead of setting up threats and punishment plans, they decided that every evening before bed, they would go into his room, and together with Juan, they would pray for Carlos. Juan and his parents prayed that Carlos would learn to be more aware of how his actions were irritating to others.

After a few days of praying, they began seeing changes in Juan. The way he related to his brother changed. He was more willing to help Carlos see what was annoying and to suggest to him what he could do differently. When asked about it, Juan said, I used to get angry with Carlos, and then I would get mean. But now I’m not angry. I feel sorry for him, and so I just ask him to cut it out, and he does.

Ricardo, Su, and Juan all made changes in their lives because their parents used a heart-based approach. Most children will need several strategies, such as firmness, correction, consequences, and teaching, but in the midst of all that, there must be a core that helps them change their hearts, not just their behavior. Parents must see to it that their children are internally motivated, instead of relying on externals, such as reward and punishment, to motivate them.

Level two thinking advances responsibility in kids at any age.

As you read on you’ll learn about three levels of thinking that contribute to moral and spiritual development. Level one thinking is what kids engage in every day, thinking about themselves and their own activities. Level two thinking advances responsibility in kids at any age. It focuses on other people, other tasks, and time. Level three thinking considers what God might be doing in the present situation, further increasing a child’s maturity. These higher levels of thinking increase internal motivation. When you adjust your parenting strategies to enhance these other levels of thinking, you will maximize the work you do in your child’s heart.

This book keeps an eye on the destination, but it’s really about tools for the journey. We’ll help you determine what’s required to get there and then break the solutions down into steps that you can take with your kids. As you read this book, you’ll discover new ideas and strategies. You may find affirmation for some of the things you’re already doing well. You may also be challenged to adjust some of the ways you’re currently working with your kids. We know that amazing things will happen. Strategic conversations with your kids will mark pivotal points of change, but they will come because of the daily work you do to continually point your child in the right direction, provide opportunities to think in godly terms, and discipline in ways that teach, not just punish.

As we study internal motivation with you in this book, we’ll give you practical ways to put it all into practice. We’ll discuss how to use consequences in a heart-based approach, ways to maximize the words you say to your child so that they impact the heart, and how to energize your devotions so your kids will learn to hear from God.

In short, you’re leading your kids on an adventure through life. Every day they learn from you, watch how you work, and respond to your expectations. In the first chapters of this book you’ll learn some valuable theology about the human heart that will launch you into exciting solutions for building self-motivation in your children.

PART 1

Moral Development in Children

1

Internal Versus External Motivation

External motivation has this way of squelching initiative, decreasing creativity, and robbing one of the satisfaction of accomplishment.

Anna and Dave Correra were frustrated every morning trying to get their three kids out the door. It was as if each one of the children needed a personal assistant to keep moving. These parents often joked that their kids needed assisted living as much as Grandma did in the rest home.

Dad and Mom wished their children would be internally motivated to do what’s right instead of relying on parental prompters to get things done. Instead, their kids waited for instructions for each task. Are you dressed? Did you eat breakfast? Brush your hair. Get your backpack by the door. Where are your shoes? And on and on it went. Dad and Mom realized that they were functioning as the conscience for each of their kids, prompting them forward each step of the way. It was time for a change.

Dave and Anna didn’t like the nagging and were frustrated by the patterns that had developed. Their kids needed to learn a better way. In a moment we’ll tell you what they did, but first some background to understand their new methodology.

Developing the Conscience

The study of moral development in children doesn’t come from a psychology textbook. It comes from the Bible. In order to maximize parenting, it’s important to view children from a biblical perspective and understand how they’re designed. The purpose of the conscience is to reveal to every person that God exists and that there is a right and a wrong.

In subsequent chapters we’ll share with you practical ways to use the conscience in your parent training to build internal motivation. In chapter 4, we’ll show you how you can use conscience training to increase responsibility in a child of any age. In chapter 5, you’ll learn how to help kids take responsibility for offenses instead of blaming them on others. In chapter 7, you’ll learn how to use the conscience to help kids overcome selfish tendencies and consider others. A study of the conscience arms parents with a whole new toolbox for parent training. But before we get to some of the tools, let’s continue with some more theology so you can embed your parental activity into your faith.

It’s fair to say that God placed the conscience inside a person to provide an internal motivation to find God and give one’s heart to him. The conscience is on a mission, and only when it finds salvation through Jesus Christ is it satisfied. After salvation, though, what use is the conscience? Is that the end of its purpose? Not according to the Bible. Paul had been a believer for many years before he made this statement in Acts 24:16: I strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man. Paul knew the value of a clear conscience and understood that work was required to keep it that way.

Parenting in a way that develops the conscience does several things. First, it helps kids know there’s a right and a wrong. Not only that, it teaches them how to choose and take a stand for what’s right and to wisely deal with wrongs. The conscience values integrity, so it helps children when they’re tempted to be dishonest. And the conscience motivates children to think of others, and not just themselves.

The development of the conscience helps children live on two levels of thinking at the same time. Life isn’t only about playing with a toy, eating food, or taking care of oneself. When teaching responsibility, every activity has a second dimension. Children learn to watch the clock, monitor their own fairness, and think about how their current action affects others. Unfortunately, some children just live on level one, thinking about the task at hand, and then rely too heavily on their parents to manage level two. Parents are continually living with level two thinking and actually become the conscience for their kids. They tell them what time it is, make sure they have their homework in their backpacks, and are quick to point out when meanness is present.

The development of the conscience helps children live on two levels of thinking at the same time.

Children need to develop level two thinking in their own lives, and that can happen when parents train their children to think about more than the task at hand. Level two thinking is enhanced by the work of the conscience. Kids need to always be asking questions such as, Am I doing the right thing? Should I be helping others? Am I staying on schedule? Even young children can begin to learn level two thinking as they consider the needs of others, clean up one activity before starting another, and learn to be grateful instead of making others miserable with their whining or complaining.

A strong conscience gives children an internal motivation to be responsible and to do the right thing even when they don’t feel like it. Almost any area of parenting would benefit from a conscience approach. Parents can work with their children in a way that fosters this internal compass to help them for the rest of their lives.

God designed the conscience to keep the heart going in the right direction. The heart provides internal motivation; the conscience prompts the heart so the internal motivation stays on the right path. However, the conscience itself is only a tool. It’s not the ultimate standard for right and wrong. Paul made that clear in 1 Corinthians 4:4, which says, My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. A child who just got revenge might feel a temporary sense of satisfaction and an appeased conscience. That doesn’t justify the actions. A person may say he feels at peace about disobedience to God. That doesn’t