Fear To Live For

Fear To Live For

By Ayush Srivastava

2014 Copyright Ayush Srivastava

Smashwords Edition

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

SUMMARY

PROLOGUE

CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER 5

CHAPTER 6

CHAPTER 7

CHAPTER 8

EXTRA: THE NEW GUYS

CHAPTER 9

CHAPTER 10

EXTRA: THE ATTEMPT TO QUIT

EXTRA: SHARING THE SECRET

EXTRA: COMING OUT

CHAPTER 11

EPILOGUE

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

TRIVIA

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

SUMMARY

Andrew Jonah Peters has lived his entire life making choices. Whether it was choosing which candy to buy or to choose which parent to live with after their divorce, he has always found himself at the crossroads, unsure of what he really wants. Then, one day, while exploring the scenic waterfall of his hometown as a six year old, he found the answer to his biggest dilemma: Through fear.

Ever since a stranger told him about his method of choosing, Jonah has always put himself in a controlled life-threatening situation to realize what he wants. But when he loses control in a dangerous situation that exposes his secret and makes him an outcast in the society, Andrew faces the biggest choice he ever made: To live through fear or to accept death's embrace.

PROLOGUE

I have lived my life through fears, including one I didn’t ever want to experience. Why?

Uncertainty.

One thing that plagues every single human mind. They may try to hide it, to cover it up but it is always there, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

People seek counsel, life experiences, faith, etc. practically any external source of motivation to rely on.

They just want to rely on it to take the blame if things go bad.

I was uncertain too. I made bad choices in the name of useless excuses too.

Until I met HIM and from that moment my life changed irrevocably.

For good? I still don't know. My story isn't over yet. But since I have time for it, I will tell you what happened so far. I will try to keep bitterness from clouding my words but I can't promise that really.

My name is Andrew Jonah Peters and this is my story.

CHAPTER 1

12 years ago

Andy, would you like to live with your mom or your dad? My father asked me just as I came to kitchen for breakfast.

I immediately paused as I felt a sudden urge to be careful with my words. It was a nice sunny day outside which was a surprising delight when one lived in the small city of Witchbury Falls, named so after the waterfall nearby, where a cold draft could tickle you unexpectedly even on the hottest day of the season, which wasn’t really that hot. I could barely wait to go to Kevin’s, my neighbour and best friend, and play before I had heard that question.

After a small time, I said, Can’t I stay with you both? in a small voice. I heard a faint amount of tremble in my voice and quickly moved my hands behind me to hide their sudden slight shaking.

They gave me a small smile and Mom responded, No, honey, you can’t. You see, your dad and I have decided to live apart now. I want to live in Seattle while your father wants to stay here.

Before she could continue, I interrupted. Why are you living apart? Kevin’s parents live together. Can’t we do something else? My voice nearly broke at the last word as I tried my best to keep my tears at bay.

They said they were going to be apart but they loved each other and people in love don’t live apart. Yet they stand together and hold hands. I pointed this out to them. They smiled but didn’t move their hands.

Dad said, Kiddo, we have had a lovely marriage and an even better gift in form of you. But the marriage has run its course now. We both agreed that it would be better if we just get divorced, live separately and see other people. She will change her name back to Winters from Peters but you can keep yours. Don’t worry, even if you choose one of us, you can still see the other at every holidays. Your mom and I are very good friends and for no price am I willing to leave her friendship, just like yours’ and Kevin’s.

He looked at mom then, who nodded to me. I felt the first tear escape as I looked at both of them. I was just a six-year old. How could they expect me to know what I needed? I knew what I wanted but they weren’t even going to try for it.

Seeing my pained expression, I suppose, mom said, Oh, Andy, don’t worry about answering right now. Take your time, dear and try to answer by sunset. We honestly won’t mind what you choose honey, so just choose what you want, not what we may want.

Then, as if trying to dismiss that this discussion didn’t just happen, that their marriage wasn’t just ending, that our family wasn’t just falling apart, as if I wasn’t crying a little on the outside while I felt so hollow on the inside, Dad said, The day is young and the sun is bright! How about you invite Kevin and I make you both some of my omelettes for breakfast, huh? Then you two can play outside for your whole afternoon. After all, it is a Sunday, isn’t it?

He was trying to make me feel better but I saw it as clearly as I could see through a glass of water.

We lived in a two story bungalow near the end of the street. On the outside, our house was just like any other house in the city but like every other house, it’s inside had a ‘life’ of its own, as Mom liked to call it. Kevin’s house was decorated in sky blue colour and white walls, promoting a calm view while ours, decorated by both of my parents when they were newly married, was coloured bright yellow and light green, to remind people of sunny days and green fields. I had my room decorated with posters and pictures of my favourite cartoons and my parents had promised me that I could re-decorate my room as many times as I wanted once I was eight, which was only one and a half years far.

I nodded at them slowly and wiped my tears off. I tried to smile at them but I felt my lip tremble a little. They smiled back at me but it felt faked and I knew they were just hurt by my pain. I walked outside my house and began to walk towards the nearby woods. There was a hiking trail near our house that led to the waterfall. I knew I should get Kevin and talk to him. He probably wouldn’t have anything to say to make me feel better but I knew that he would definitely try to distract me. He was just a month older than me but often treated me as if I was years younger than him. And though I like it, I would never tell him that.

But right now, I wanted to be alone. I did not want any distraction and I doubted Kevin could do anything to help me with my choice. I just kept thinking about how hard this choice was and how I shouldn’t have to make it while walking. I began to make lists in favour of both mom and dad. Granny always said that making lists was a grown-up thing to do when making a hard choice and since I am a grown-up, I should make lists too.

Mom:

I love her.

She makes great pancakes.

She reads me a bedtime story every night.

She always helps to keep my toys together.

...

The list was almost endless. When I felt the most important ones had been mentioned, I began to think for my father.

Dad:

I love him.

He plays catch with me.

He allows me to watch cartoons longer than I should.

He lets me sneak sweets and candies to eat, no matter what time.

...

Just like the previous one, this list was endless too.

I tried to compare but it was like trying to compare a stone with a bird. Two different things.

I was brought out of my thoughts when I stumbled upon a pebble and fell. My hands were a little scratched and they hurt but it wasn’t much. It was then I looked around and saw that I was actually near the bottom of the waterfall. I realised that I must have walked along the trail as I kept thinking.

The sound of the falling water was just amazing to hear. It helped me to calm down. I wasn’t scared of getting lost. I had come here with my parents often (and sometimes came here alone just because I wanted to) so I knew the place very well.

I walked to the bank and sat on the soft grass there, looking at the beauty of water falling from such a height to below and rocks seemed to peep from behind the curtain of water. The waterfall existed because the place had a little uneven terrain – a new word I had recently learned. It was part of some river but I couldn’t remember which one.

People often came from different places to visit the falls and take some photos. I sat on the grass and after some time, the thoughts returned. I was still unsure about what I should choose when I saw a shirtless man come into view and step directly below the falling water on one of the slippery rocks.

Scared, I screamed.

CHAPTER 2

He was surprised to hear my scream. I knew it because I saw him slip on those dangerous rocks as he looked around for me. I screamed again and I ran towards him. Mommy always told me to help others.

Kevin always said I was strong. I thought if I could stay still on the rocks long enough as his support for him to manage to climb back to safety, I could save him. At that time, the fall was a little far from me and I thought I could definitely do it.

I kept running until I reached the edge of the slippery rocks. The poor man was barely able to breathe and hold himself on the rock with his two hands at the same time. As I began to take my first step onto the rocks, the curious part of me wished me to look up.

My left leg froze in mid-air as I truly saw the scary sight of the falling water in front of me. It looked like it could crush me under just like I often crushed ants with my small shoes. I began to shake and I was scared, far more than I had ever been before. When I began to feel like I was going to lose my balance, I put my lifted leg back on the ground. My vision began to blur and I knew I was going to cry, if I wasn’t crying already.

I looked at the sinking man, no, my teacher Ms Andrews told me it is drowning not sinking, and let out a strange sound, as if I was screaming without being unable to breathe, when I saw that he was not able to keep his head out of water for long enough time and one of his hands was now in the water, moving around quickly, trying to find some support.

Knowing that I should try to help him before anything happened to him, I began to run to him. The cold water of the fall made me shake a lot and I knew Mom and Dad won’t like my wet clothes. I will also have a cold now and won’t be able to play with Kevin for three days, just like the last time I had a cold. The push of the water was also very hard to resist but being a strong kid, I resisted. A part of me kept screaming at me to just go and get someone else for help but I knew it would be too late.

Three times I almost fell but recovered somehow. By the time I reached him, I knew that he was just about to lose his other hand’s grip. Only two fingers had a strong hold on the rock and he clearly seemed to be finding it difficult to keep holding.

I slowly bent downwards while shivering and began to look for a way to help him. Just that instant, I saw his hand begin to slip completely into the water and I knew that he was going to go to sleep forever, just like my granny’s elder sister did a year ago. She had looked beautiful, almost like a doll my friend Claire liked to play with, but I had doubt if he would look so good.

I have no idea what made me do it but I immediately stopped trying to get down slowly and immediately held his hand with both of my hands to hold him. Several things happened at once then.

Firstly, I heard a huge sucking in of breath and I felt happy. Happy to know that this person was still awake. Happy that I was really so strong. It stayed like that for a moment and then the happiness turned to terror as I felt my feet leave the ground immediately as I got carried away with him because of the water and a scream escaped my lips. A terror, to be forever unmatchable, held me and I couldn’t even let go of him. In that moment, I wished I had made a choice. Third was the coldness that filled me as soon as I touched the water and clutched to only source of outer warmth I had, the hand I was still holding. I held the fingers as close to me as possible and thought of my family. I wished we were always going to live together, not apart so that I would not have to choose between dad and mom. I love mom a lot but I would rather be with dad here, at home.

After a few seconds, I couldn’t breathe and I began to move around, trying to get air. Instead, I only got more of the cold water. The need to breathe air was almost unbearable and painful and when my mind finally began to calm down, as if I was going to sleep, I began to relax.

Just before I fell asleep though, I felt something move a little near my chest and something touch my back.

I woke up again and began to cough.

Turn to the side and let it all get out, kid. A gruff but young voice said and I immediately followed, feeling better a lot instantly. I had immediately recognised that the voice was unfamiliar and as soon as I was able to take a few breaths properly, things returned to me with a rush. You have been out for fifteen minutes, tops. He informed me.

A few tears came down the cheeks as I asked in a scratchy voice, What happened? Who are you? Why am-My words were cut off by a sudden coughing spree. When it finally subsided, I looked at him and the water that still held on to him made me remember everything immediately. I looked around and saw that we were indeed near the bank of Witchbury Falls, the exact place from where I had seen him step into the water.

As soon as I remembered that fact, I looked at him and asked, What were you doing? You walked into that cold and strong water on those slippery rocks! Have you lost your marbles, like Kevin says to his crazy-going grandmother? I tried but barely managed to avoid yelling at him. Then I looked at him carefully, in order to memorize his appearance while he seemed to look at me, as if doing the same.

He was quite tall, almost six feet, and his skin was a little dark but not like the wet mud near the banks. His hair was black and he was only wearing black jeans, which was also wet. He was barefoot and his stomach seemed to be going inside his body in a definite shape, as if he had placed something to make six small square blocks to come out of his stomach. So, I asked him, Don’t you eat food? Your stomach is going inside, as if it is eating itself in certain places inside.

Once I finished, I looked up at him to see him trying to stop smiling. Before I could say anything, like promise to never talk forever, he said, "Don’t worry about me kid. You will know about this soon enough. Now tell me, what were you doing here alone?