On Belay

On Belay!

An Introduction to

Christian Counseling

Stan E. DeKoven

Copyright © 2015 Stan E DeKoven

All rights reserved worldwide

ISBN 9781310709777

Published at Smashwords by Vision Colleges

PO Box 84 Macquarie Fields

NSW, 2564, Australia

Ph 02 9603 2077

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Email: contact@visioncolleges.net

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No part of the book may be reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written

permission of the author except in brief quotations embodied in critical articles of reviews.

About the author

Dr. Stan DeKoven is the founder and President of Vision International University and Vision Publishing, which are worldwide ministries operating in over 150 nations. Dr. DeKoven has several academic awards, including the Bachelors in Psychology from San Diego State University, Masters in Counseling from Webster University, the Doctor of Philosophy in Counseling Psychology from the Professional School of Psychological studies, and the Doctor of Ministry degree from the Evangelical Theological Seminary. Dr. DeKoven is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the State of California and Certified School Psychologist, with many clinical and professional memberships in various nationally known associations. Further, Dr. DeKoven is the author of over 35 books in the fields of Counseling, Practical Ministry, Leadership and Biblical Studies. He travels extensively in conferences and seminars, expanding Vision to the nations of the world. For more information you may contact him at:

Vision International Education Services, Inc.

Vision International University

1115 D Street

Ramona, CA 92065

(760) 789-4700

Fax. (760) 789-3023

www.vision.edu

www.visionpublishingservices.com

TABLE OF CONTENTS

AUTHOR'S FOREWORD

FOREWORD TO SECOND EDITION

WHY ON BELAY!

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

INTRODUCTION COUNSELING AND THE CHURCH

SECTION I HISTORICAL GUIDE TO PASTORAL COUNSELING

SECTION II HOW PERSONALITY DEVELOPS

SECTION III THE PROCESS OF COUNSELING

SECTION IV PROBLEMS THAT CAN OCCUR IN COUNSELING

SECTION V COMMUNICATION IN COUNSELING

SECTION VI PROBLEMS AND COUNSELING

SECTION VII SPECIAL CONSIDERATIONS

SECTION VIII LEGAL AND ETHICAL ISSUES IN THE COUNSELING MINISTRY

BIBLIOGRAPHY

ABREVIATIONS

BOOKS BY VISION

ABOUT VISION COLLEGES

AUTHOR'S FOREWORD

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Writing what is to be a comprehensive review of Christian Counseling is a uniquely difficult task, especially when one considers the breadth of knowledge necessary in this ever expanding discipline. The original version of this work and the one you have in your hand have a specific view in mind: to be a guide written specifically as a training program for an introductory Christian Counseling ministry, whether as clergyman or a lay person. It is my desire that this book enable you to function more effectively in the ministry to those who are hurting in the Body of Christ.

As you begin reading On Belay! it is important to be aware of how it was developed and its primary components. First, though the book is a fairly comprehensive guide, it certainly does not attempt to answer every question or deal with every counseling situation. Such a guide would take volumes of work, which goes far beyond the scope of this volume. The primary issues relating to Christian counseling have been discussed and, where further study is necessary, an effective bibliography has been provided.

Secondly, the book has been divided into six primary sections. Section I deals with general theories of Christian counseling, the process of integration of psychology and theology, primary schools of secular as well as Christian counseling, what the Scriptures say about the counseling ministry, family life cycle development and how this affects all people, as well as other areas of importance.

Section II presents the two primary views of personality development: Nature vs. Nurture. Also examined are Temperament Theory, Personality Theory, and specific Counseling Theories.

The Characteristics of Divine Personality, the Work of the Holy Spirit, and Models of Biblical Counseling are explored and expanded on in Section III.

Section IV presents technical aspects of a counseling ministry. It will include principles of psychological assessment, or how to determine what the needs of human beings are. It will guide the reader, step by step, to discover what people feel and what to do once they tell you how they feel. Further, the importance of positive and effective communication is presented.

Included in Section V will be principles of counseling including communication, discipleship models, dealing with individuals, groups, and families, various techniques of counseling, marriage and family counseling issues, as well as how to assist adolescents and children, cross-cultural perspectives in counseling, group counseling, and issues relating to healing, inner healing, and demonology.

Finally, Section VI focuses on specific problems in counseling such as fears and guilt, oppression and deliverance ministry, behavior and character transformation, human sexuality, forgiveness, and addictive behaviors. Further, the importance of ministerial ethics in counseling, having knowledge of when and how to make effective referrals and how to develop a more effective counseling ministry for yourself will be presented. Finally, you will find a glossary of terms and a bibliography of helpful books at the back of this book.

Reading systematically through this volume is recommended. Doing so will make the book come alive, and will become a more effective tool for the reader, since each portion of the book builds toward the next. However, each chapter and each section is also designed to be utilized as a reference guide for the individual counselor.

FOREWORD TO SECOND EDITION

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The most concise and complete summary of the Gospel is to be found in II Corinthians 5::17-20:

v.17-20 Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.And all things are of God, who has reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation; that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not counting their trespasses unto them; and has given to us the word of reconciliation. Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did urge you by us: we pray in Christ's stead, be reconciled to God.

The book ON BELAY! was written to help train ministers and lay persons alike in the basic skills of Christian counseling. Since the book and teaching program based upon it was first developed, both have undergone many changes and improvements. As a part of the teaching team, and also one of the original developers of the program, this writer can safely say that this present format of the program and book is by far the most complete, representing thousands of hours of study and prayer.

To reiterate what the scriptures state in a paraphrased form, God sent Jesus into the world to bring sinful man back into a right relationship with Himself. Jesus then gave unto all Christians the same ministry, bringing others into a right relationship with God (and it might be added with each other). Every Christian is called as an ambassador of Christ to bring sinners into a right relationship with God and each other through Jesus Christ."

It has become increasingly evident that the On Belay! program is specifically designed to train men and women with gifting and calling to bring reconciliation of man to God and man. So many Christians, although sure of their relationship to God, are not in a right relationship with some other significant person(s) in their life. Or, they simply have not made peace with themselves. In order to be able to love others and to love ourselves as Jesus said, the Christian must come into a right relationship (be reconciled) to others and to themselves. The book you have in your hands was written to prepare men and women to be effective caregivers or reconcilers of people to God and man.

WHY ON BELAY!

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In the French tradition of the sport of mountain climbing, the lead man climbs to a safe place and secures the safety lines. The call from the climbers below is Belay On? (Is it safe to come on up?) If it is safe the lead man will answer On Belay! (It is safe). Thus, equipped Christians are to be like the lead man, leading others safely along their journey toward Christian maturity. In the words of the Apostle Paul, this writer beseeches you to be reconciled to God and then become a minister of reconciliation to others.

Since our first seminar on Christian counseling held in San Diego, California, my heart has been to see thousands of men and women properly equipped to minister grace to others with skill and confidence. This book, along with the entire series of books on counseling and care giving, have been used by thousands to bring hope and healing to those needing reconciliation, equipping the church for a caring ministry. I trust this latest edition of the work will further equip and strengthen Christian caregivers for effective ministry in the body of Christ.

Stan E. DeKoven, Ph.D.

Winter 2005

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

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The initial teaching program upon which On Belay! was developed was the product of a dynamic team of Christian counselors and educators. I am most grateful for having had the privilege of working with them. Portions of the materials used in this book are loosely based on the teachings presented by these fine men and women. So, to Dr. Joseph Bohac, Charlie Gregg, M.A., MFT, Lorrie Floren, M.A, Gary Juleen, M.A., MFT and Terry Sullivan, M.A., MFT I express my thanks for their positive inspiration and input into this work.

Stan E. DeKoven, 1992

INTRODUCTION

COUNSELING AND THE CHURCH

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The field of counseling, as it relates to church, is exceedingly vast and varied. Opinions on the place, merit and function of this process of helping and healing are broadly debated and controversial. Those who have benefited from wise counseling are convinced in their hearts of its worth and proclaim its power. Those who have seen the damage that can be perpetuated through unwise, even exploitive, counsel can only warn of its dangers.

Whether one is a fan or a foe of counseling, it must be acknowledged that some form of counseling is occurring in the church, amongst God's people, all the time, whether good, bad or ugly! Spiritual leaders must be aware of what the sheep are eating, to insure a healthy and strength producing diet. Thus, one’s knowledge of the basic principles, patterns, and possible problems inherent in Christian or biblical counseling is wisdom.

Personal Bias and World View

As an educator and caregiver, my personal bias is moderately in favor of a counseling ministry, if it is within the program and purposes of the church in the locality. This important area of ministry is not for the novice, nor the immature, but for the hearty and well grounded in the understanding of human behavior and the Word of God. Further, the dynamics of church life must be considered, so that support is provided to local leadership, rather than division and schism (which too often is the case!). The author’s personal journey, which is obviously represented here, will be helpful in understanding the position taken toward the discipline of counseling developed here.

Long before becoming a caregiver I was a member of a lower middle class family system struggling with propensities toward dysfunctional behavior. Thank God, despite my family problems and poor personal choices, I became a Christian (Evangelical Methodist) at age 12. I was called to the ministry the same year, filled with the Holy Spirit at age 17, necessitating a change in worship venue. Shortly thereafter I began pursuing the leading of the Lord, to minister to wounded people in my sphere of influence, using preaching/teaching of the Word of God and counseling as a tool (and source of income!).

My initial hope was to attend a university where I could study Christian Psychology and play baseball. Unfortunately, in 1971 there were few affordable options in Christendom for such training. In truth, I was discouraged to even seek such professional training since it was highly frowned upon in many evangelical circles. Thus, with little guidance from my father or pastor (a wonderful man of God who was a caregiver/educator, but who provided limited hope due to his negative experiences in conducting counseling within the church structure), I began my education in psychology. Perhaps with clearer guidance and realistic options, I would have pursued a different direction. Thus, I entered the world of the secular university, and faced for the first time the likes of Freud, Adler, Jung, Rogers, Maslow, Skinner, Glasser, Fromm, and the rest of the great thinkers in Psychology.

Within my Bachelors, Masters and Doctoral education was a significant core of secular humanism and transpersonal (non-Christian religions, primary Eastern in orientation) psychology, which provided significant challenges to my foundation of faith. Thank God for the solid biblical education I had received through my local church prior to my university education, and the many correspondence Bible College courses I continued to take along with my secular studies. Without them, I do not know if I would have survived with my soul intact (it was tweaked, turned, etc., but my continued walk, faithful wife, and loving church kept me on track).

At the same time, my experience and observation of ministry to hurting people within the local church left much to be desired. The fact was that many so called healings and deliverances of God's people were superficial, at best, and even harmful. Many would come to the altar with high hopes of deliverance and freedom, only to leave as hurt as before. Adding insult to injury, they were now lacking faith, or were somehow too sick for the Lord to heal or so demonized that they were beyond deliverance. Healing is valid and deliverance for the oppressed is powerful, but one cannot heal or cast out the flesh. It must be dealt with over time through the Word, worship, obedience, and prayer, in relationship with the Lord and His body. Throughout my education and life experience, based upon my past and specific call of God, my hope was to find tools to more effectively minister to hurting humanity. As will be seen later, I am at peace with my journey, but not without wounds, wrong turns, and yes, some significant and astounding Godly results.

The Psychologist Way

Without going into great detail, psychology is a discipline, not a science. Its purposes are twofold. First, psychology searches for knowledge as to the development of human personality (for the most part devoid of spirit) and for the motivation of human behavior. The second is to search for the keys to unlocking the healing or adjusting/changing mechanisms inherent in man, through various and sundry applied techniques. (If you are a psychologist, please forgive my reductionistic attempt and massive over simplification). Further, in applied psychology (counseling) the caregiver/therapist, who is seen as all wise, all knowing, objective. and benevolent, attempts to listen to the story, problem, viewpoint and dilemmas of the client/patient. It is hoped that the caregiver/therapist listens with empathy, warmth and respect, giving feedback, clarification, and even interpretation at times. The client must fully trust the caregiver/therapist, be open, vulnerable, dependent, honest, etc. in his/her verbal expression. The caregiver gives suggestions for change and challenges/motivates the client toward decisions to change and ultimately alleviate the suffering of the soul as they resolve their conflict, change their thinking, experience a breakthrough, achieve enlightenment, make a leap of faith to meaning or change their behavior. The direction that the counseling/therapy takes is dependent upon the worldview and counseling orientation of the caregiver and what is deemed the picture of health as defined by the caregiver or client.

Much of what is learned in the study of human behavior comes through research by observation with humans over long periods of time. Present-day knowledge on the reasons for certain behaviors or personality styles, which are likely the results of genetics combined with negative childhood experiences, the impact of stress in modem life, family dynamics, etc., have been provided to us by psychology. An understanding of how people become the way they are can be quite helpful in the search for the healing of the wounded soul of mankind (and to a great extent the overcoming of the deeds of the flesh). Of course, most of the theories espoused as the answers or the problems of man are limited by the very fact that God and His Word are rarely, if ever, considered. However, there is much insight that can be gained from these studies and they have been a blessing to the church and ministry when judiciously and wisely applied. Discernment is required, balance essential, and, by all means, wisdom and maturity are needed to know how to counsel and know what is actually usable from the field of psychology.

A Biblical View...in Brief

Very briefly, counseling (or the advice needed to bring about change) can be summarized within the context of the word salvation (sozo), meaning wholeness or completeness. Salvation (justification, sanctification, glorification) as an event occurs when we receive Christ's provision, His substitutionary death on the Cross. At that moment, our spirit is made alive (quickened) by the Holy Spirit, lighting what is to be an eternal flame. As every pastor or church leader well knows, there remains a continuing work of salvation (sanctification) for the believer, with the knowledge that the ultimate work of salvation (glorification) will be accomplished. It is this second area, the battle ground of the mind, will, emotions and conscience (tainted by sin and iniquity), that must be transformed by the power of God's Word. Jesus announced that through the work of the Holy Spirit, the Paraclete (John 14, 15, 16), the fullness of truth, would be produced in every believer. This concept was most clearly explored and extrapolated by Paul the apostle.

Now please, do not give up on me. This brief foundation is going somewhere, and will be related to the modem era of counseling and the question at hand.

Patterns, Habits, Attitudes, Spiritual Mandates

There are some specific goals universally accepted in Christian Counseling.