Ownership Road: Leading Our Children To An Authentic Faith That Prepares Them For Life After High School

Ownership Road

Leading Our Children To An Authentic Faith

That Prepares Them For Life After High School

Tommy McGregor

Copyright © 2016 Tommy McGregor. All Rights Reserved.

Smashwords Edition

Published by TDR Publishing, a publishing subsidiary of TheTransMission (Trans Mission, INC), Montgomery, AL

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, copied, or transmitted in any means - electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or otherwise- except for brief quotation in critical reviews or articles, without prior written permission of the author.

ISBN: 978-0-9974817-1-6

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016905584

Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All Rights Reserved.

Scripture quotations noted NLT are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndall House Publishing, Inc. Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All Rights Reserved.

Scripture quotations noted ESV are taken from the Holy Bible: English Standard Version, copyright © 2001, Wheaton: Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All Rights Reserved.

Scripture quotations noted The Message are taken from The Message. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Printed in the United States of America

In loving memory of my dear friend & brother in Christ,

Chad Stewart (1972-2014),

who lived a vibrant, transparent,

and authentic faith in Jesus and

influenced me to go and do likewise.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction

Section One Transitional Discipleship

1 Along The Road

2 Becoming The CDO

3 The Journey Ahead

Section Two Transition Roadblocks

4 Discipleship Deficit

5 Culture Conformity

Section Three The Road From Followship To Ownership

6 Followship

7 Perspective

8 Community

9 Mission

10 Ownership

Section Four Transitional Discipleship Stages

11 Raising Disciples

12 Nurturing Disciples

About the Author

Other Books by Tommy McGregor

INTRODUCTION

As a parent, I am not even sure how you have time to read this book. Don’t you have a hundred other things that need to get done? If your children are young, then maybe this book represents a moment of refuge from the craziness. If you have teenage kids, this book might be viewed like a vaccination on the eve of an epidemic. Either way, I’m glad you are here. Chances are, you need to read this book as much as I needed to write it. Frankly, I did not set out to write a book for parents. I remember a few months into this project when it began to become clear to me who my audience needed to be. I fought the idea. I wasn’t sure if I was prepared for the parenting self-evaluation that would accompany this writing journey. I knew that I would be challenged to walk my literary talk and slightly embarrassed to talk about my actual walk. There was no doubt that I needed to explore this subject deeper from the perspective of a parent, but only in the same way that a patient awaits a triple bypass fearfully preparing for the life giving procedure.

For over two decades, I have worked with teenagers in ministry. I have loved them, laughed and cried with them, played alongside of them, and discipled them in what it means to follow Jesus. Throughout this time, I have always been specifically focused on the transition that students make once they graduate and prepare for life after high school. The reason for this is because I see this moment as a crossroads of sorts. It is an important juncture that symbolizes, not only graduation, but a growth towards responsibility and maturity as well. Yet, this period also represents what I often refer to as the great gap of childhood discipleship: the time when a teenager leaves home and is expected to continue growing in a life he often is neither prepared for nor understands. In my experience, this is not an occurrence that happens occasionally with kids who grew up on the fringes of the Christian faith. Instead, this is happening to almost every teenager raised in the church today.

For years, I laid the blame for this great gap on the foils of our culture. College life was a teenage wasteland that fed on the immature and sheltered. I had experienced that in my own life and seen it replayed in the lives of my teenage friends. I knew that the answer was better discipleship, but I did not yet know the scope of that realization.

Since answering a calling to full-time ministry, I have gotten married and had two sons. Becoming a father has done more for my perspective of ministry than any amount of training ever could. In ministry, I had learned that the goal of discipleship was to lead an individual to a greater sense of faith maturity. This is done by teaching, leading, and modeling what it means to follow Jesus. I learned that discipleship needed to be consistent and was best done in relationship, like Jesus did it. For years in ministry, I carried the load of being the primary discipler to dozens of teenagers at a time, helping a few make the transition to college smoothly while painfully watching the majority struggle to carry the torch of faith into the next chapters of life.

It was some time early into my parenting journey that I began to connect the dots regarding the greater issue that was at play. It was then that I realized that discipleship was not only the answer; it was the problem itself. Yes, culture was still the culprit, but not the culture of college life, which is simply the result of the greater problem. Instead, I discovered that there is a culture of mediocre discipleship that is the main concern. The perception is that if an individual is raised in a Christian environment and taught (some of) the principles of the Bible, then that individual has been discipled. It is also believed that if a child is brought up in a church and active in the youth group, he will be equipped for the challenges of life after high school. Furthermore, it is assumed that this process of discipleship is the sole responsibility of a young, hip youth ministry leader, who was hired to be the shepherd to more sheep than he/she could possibly lead. Above all, I became keenly aware, after becoming a dad, that the primary role of discipleship belongs to the Christian parent, yet many do not understand nor accept this calling. From that point on, I began to understand ministry differently. I had worked for years at that point leading others’ kids; now it was time for me to lead my own.

During the process of writing this book, I shared the concept with a friend. I mentioned that, statistically, most Christian students graduate from high school and do not continue to pursue growth in their faith at the next stage of life. Then I shared that, though there are many possible reasons to attribute this spiritual growth decline to, I felt the root of the issue was that kids today are not being prepared to continue growing in their relationship with God once they are on their own. I added that this is not solely a cultural problem, but rather a discipleship issue. I ended my informal presentation by saying that I believe it is scriptural that parents are to be the key discipler of a child, and that this book will give parents a long-term vision for how to prepare kids for the challenges and freedoms of life after high school. He then looked at me, as if to understand, and said, So, it’s a parenting book? I answered, No, it’s a discipleship book, for parents.

Let me be clear from the get-go. This is not a parenting book. Why? Because I am not qualified to write such a book. I am not an elder parent at the end of this experience, sharing my good fortune with those still on the trail. I do not have a wall of doctorates in Child Psychology, and I am far from an expert on parenting. Rather, I am a parent currently on the journey, and like you, I struggle with all the demands that go along with this amazing calling. My kids are much like yours. We deal with all the same things you deal with, and you might even handle some of it better than me. But, if I do have an expertise in anything, it is in discipling kids and preparing children and teenagers for the transition that they will eventually face after graduating from high school and preparing to take faith ownership in that new setting of life. I have spent decades studying this topic, teaching students how to prepare for that transition, and have written books and countless articles and posts on the subject. In 2010, I began a ministry called TheTransMission that seeks to guide, equip, and protect the faith of young followers of Christ, during the transition after high school, so that they can live and lead as the light of the world.

So, here is what my experience in ministry and being a parent myself has taught me. Prior to graduation, most kids are raised by caring adults who set up boundaries that protect them and keep them from harm. For those who have grown up in a church, they often have been raised to see life from within a protective bubble of faith, believing that the world outside of these bubbled walls is harmful. But, as these kids grow older, they began to see that life outside the bubble has a more manicured, greener yard, causing them to become complacent with the life of faith that they grew up in. As teenagers, they long for the newer pasture and begin to view those guiding boundaries of their childhood as restrictive rules. Therefore, after high school, teenagers often think: Now I can go live ‘my’ life and be who ‘I’ want to be and do what ‘I’ want to do. In my experience, most parents struggle through the child-rearing years only to get to their high school student’s last year at home and become frantic and fearful that he/she has not been prepared well for the next stage of living. As parents, we spend so much of our time trying to survive that we often fail to prepare our kids to thrive. We want to give them all the things that we never had and provide for them in such a way that they can enjoy their childhood and create memories. We all want our children to grow up into adulthood and be independent, and do so with an understanding of how to align their lives with the path that God has prepared for them. But, unfortunately as parents, we often protect them from much more than we prepare them for- that journey of life on their own.

What this book will do, as I told my friend, is call parents to the mission of becoming a discipler of their children and help them create a vision with a goal of equipping their kids with an authentic faith that will prepare them for life after graduation day. As I will lay out in the first chapter, this mission is the Biblical calling of parents from Scripture. It is important to mention that this book is not just for parents of high school students. As a matter of fact, this book is not just for parents of teenagers. The discipling process is a long one, and begins as soon as you catch the vision. I hope that will be sooner rather than later. Regardless, if your child’s graduation is a few years or a decade away, now is the time to focus on the end goal of raising mature followers of Christ who know who they are, see where they are going, and understand the life they are called to. That journey begins by accepting the calling to become a discipling parent and learning what it means to lead your children down the road from followship (understanding what it means to follow Jesus) to ownership (taking personal responsibility over one’s faith in Christ). That is what this book is about, and that is the opportunity we have as parents.

Section One

Transitional Discipleship

1 ALONG THE ROAD

discovering the calling of all parents

These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

Deuteronomy 6:6-7

I remember hearing a commotion coming from the next room where my son was sleeping. It was two in the morning, and I was awake because of the … in sickness part of the vow I had made to my wife years before. She was in bed dealing with the symptoms of a stomach virus, and I was standing guard on the front lines of battle, attempting to keep the enemy from infiltrating another member of my family. The noise from the next room didn’t sound promising, and so I went to see what might have happened. When I walked in, I saw my son, only three or four years old at the time, sitting up in his bed, covered in vomit. It was everywhere- on his bed, on his clothes, and in his hair. It was at this moment that I stood at the crossroads of a decision. Option one: I could leave him there, in the mess, and possibly still keep myself from contamination. I could bring him a plastic bag and toss him some clean clothes when he was ready. Eventually, he would get over the sickness, and then he could shower and clean up his bed. Option two: I could get into the mess with him, clean him off, and take care of his needs until he was well. After much consideration, I went with the first option.

Well…you know that is not true. I cleaned him up and made him a bed on the floor next to my wife’s side of our bed. Even though I was the sick patient 12-hours later, I would not have had it any other way. As parents, we do what it takes. Regardless of how messy it is or how sick it might make us, we love our children so much that we will do anything to make them healthy again. Do you agree with that statement? If so, let me share with you an epidemic that is coming that we all need to be aware of.

If all of the statistics that I have seen are correct (and I believe that they are at least very close) your children, and mine, will more than likely fall away from growing and maturing in the faith that they have been brought up in, once they leave home after high school. They will forget who they are and many of the principles of faith that we thought were drilled into their heads. Then, they will drift through the next season or two of life without the maturity that they will need to thrive in those new settings. At some point, most likely, they will appear to recover from this backsliding period only to go forward living a sub-standard, cultural Christian life of going to church, making money, hiding sin, and spiritually neglecting the faith of their own children (our future grandchildren).

Now, before you set this book down because you would rather do the laundry, cut the grass, or pay bills than hear that discouraging forecast, let me assure you that our children do not have to go down that typical road; but unfortunately, according to statistics, most will. I have been studying the transition a teenager makes after high school graduation for decades. There are many layers to this process and how to prepare for them, but the over-arching theme through all of them begins with discipleship. The truth is, the Bible clearly guides believers on how to stand on our own two feet spiritually, relationally, morally, financially, and personally, all under the lordship of Jesus. Furthermore, Scripture instructs parents to teach these truths to their children, yet many parents were not raised with this insight themselves and therefore, potentially repeat the same generational cycle.

To prove this point, let me ask you a few questions. What was your childhood like? Did you grow up in a Christian home? Did your family go to church at least sometimes? Did you consider yourself a Christian? If you are like most people reading this book, the answer is yes to most, if not all, of these questions. According to the Pew Research Forum¹, over 70% of Americans call themselves Christians. Chances are, your family fell into that category. With that said, let me ask another question: how was your spiritual transition from high school to the next stage of your life (college, work force, military, etc)? Was it smooth and fruitful, or did it rank more in the range of bumpy to non-existent? For most of us, this is something we would rather not think more about. If you were like me, it was a struggle. In high school, I was a shining city on a hill, yet for most of my years in college, my faith was like a ghost town. For those who did not struggle during that transition, there is a good chance that you had some key people there to help you connect in such a way that your struggles were minimized. That is ideal, yet rare. Either way, it won’t be long before your children, and mine, will be making that journey of transition, out of the nest that we have provided, and into the wide world of adulthood. Will they make that transition better than you and I did? The answer to that question might be more up to you than you even think. As a parent, your deepest desire is to prepare your children for the challenges and struggles that they will face in life, but questions of how and when keep you awake at night. For now, let’s address the question of when, for the remainder of this book will focus on the how.

When To Start

When I first became a father, I had already served for twelve years in full-time ministry to teenagers. I remember being in the hospital holding my newborn and thinking that I knew so much more about how to deal with a 16-year-old than with a 16-hour-old. I recall my main prayer for him, even before he was born, was not for health, smarts, or natural good looks (which of course he already had in spades) but rather that he would grow up knowing what it meant to love God and love others. My wife and I struggled for about seven years to have children, so by the time I was in my mid-thirties and having my first child, we’d had a long time to think about that process. I’d known hundreds of teenagers in ministry that had come from a home where Jesus was not talked about, let alone modeled. But, I had also known many who did come from Christian families and yet still struggled to know who they were and what they may have been called to do. Because of this, I had become like a spiritual surrogate parent to hundreds of kids, but now I was having one of my own. My wife and I wanted to be Christ-centered parents, but it wasn’t until a few years into the experience that we began to understand how difficult that journey would be.

One summer, I was asked to speak to a group of teenagers at a camp located about two hours from my house. I had planned to drive up that afternoon, speak that evening, spend the night, and speak again the next morning before coming home. It was an opportunity I have had hundreds of times. Since it was the summer and not far from where I lived, I decided to take my son Webb with me, who had just turned six at the time. The upside was that the camp had a pool and a basketball court, and I was looking forward to spending some quality father-son time with my oldest boy. The downside was that he had to sit through my talks which meant that he would have to hear about some of my struggles from college. Even at six years old, he knew what I did for a living, but I was fine to leave out some of the details until he was older. So, before I went up to speak, I equipped him with enough paper to keep him busy drawing for the remainder of the summer. I remember being very impressed that he sat still the whole time. It wasn’t until after that I realized his pencil broke five minutes into drawing, so he just sat and listened. In the car on the way home, he asked this simple question: Daddy, when I get in high school, will you prepare me for college? It was a question that I was not expecting from a kindergartner, yet without even a second thought, I replied: Buddy, I’ve already started preparing you for college. It was at that moment that I was reminded that this transitional process might not start until the high school years, but the preparation for it begins many years before.

Regardless if your child is currently in diapers or getting sized for a cap and gown, the answer to the question of when is now. I will say that the more time you have, the better result you might see. For those of us who have a few more years before the pomp and circumstance, now is the time to begin (or continue) the journey of developing an authentic faith that will one day help your child navigate through the transition out of life at home and into the world of mature adulthood.

The Many Hats We Wear

Let’s face it, parenting is a hard job. We have to balance work, kids, bills, grades, groceries, doctor visits, baseball practice schedules, piano recitals, discipline issues, birthdays, holidays, and inappropriate commercials during family-style television programs...and that’s just on Monday. It is difficult enough to know how to handle current parenting problems, fears, and obstacles without having to worry about how a child will one day manage his social life in college. Didn’t Jesus once say something about not worrying about tomorrow because there is enough to worry about today? The fact is most parents are equally overwhelmed about both today and tomorrow when it comes to concern for their children.

As a parent, we have many roles. The most obvious is that of a provider. We feed our children from their first moments of life and continue as they grow in strength and stature, eating us out of house and home. We provide for their needs and even many of their wants, so that they can have a childhood that is healthy and full of life. Along side of provider, we have also been known to wear the hat of a faithful friend, the number one fan, sideline coach, judge and jury, and the occasional private housekeeper. We do what we do for our children because we love them, and we want them to learn and grow into productive members of society.

Of all the jobs that parents take on to raise kids, the most critical, and yet probably the most overlooked,