When Love Comes Back: Growing Relationships with our Children

MUNGAL

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Special thanks to my wife, Kathleen Mungal, for all her support in assisting to produce this book. Her love for me and our seven children provides the reason why a book like this should be published. The awesome relationship we have with our children has become visible to the world around us. We have no secrets in raising seven children (now eight, as one is married). What we have learned, we implemented, from dealing with issues to assisting with choices.

Special thanks to all our children, including our son-in-law, for their relationship with us and the friendship, partnership, and companionship that has evolved between us as we grow closer with each other.

A special thanks to both our parents for being role models. From them, Kathleen and I were able to draw several foundational truths which we build upon and added to structure our family.

PREFACE

This book came to mind after dealing with parents and their children who are struggling to maintain a love relationship. We can all agree that most parents love their children from birth to death, but somewhere along the timeline of life, the love tends to grow cold and parents and children live more like companions.

As a father raising seven children, I can only share what I see regarding the need for children to fall in love with their parents. What are parents doing today to maintain a love relationship with their children? What expectations do children have of their parents? What can parents do to adjust their perspectives and methods of raising their children to help ensure that the love relationship overtakes them?

When love is not evident in a parent’s relationship with their children, those children tend to drift away and leave home as soon as they reach the age of adulthood. Some children will get married to the first person who comes across their path just to avoid staying at home and putting up with their parents’ demands.

Kathleen and I see an alarming number of parents struggling with their children, and in some cases the law gets involved due to verbal and physical assaults. Parents and children become belligerent towards each other to the point where the Children’s Aid Society may need to get involved. The stigma around CAS and the police creates a great stressor on the family as they become embarrassed and feel shameful.

Raising children is not an easy task. However, by learning how to have your children fall in love with you, you will make it easier to build trust and maintain a love relationship.

In this book, you will discover the need to spend time with your children, as well as the consequences of not investing time with your children and the legacy of what can happen when your children fall in love with you as their parent. You will discover what it takes for your children to fall in love with you, the requirements for love to become evident in your relationship, the necessities of sowing and reaping in the relationship, and the entitlement of what it means to be a proud parent.

This book came into my heart after seeing our own children developing and growing to become young adults. The older they became, the more I saw the need for them to fall in love with Kathleen and I—and to stay in love with us.

Here are a few more needs we have picked up on as we raise our children from infants to adults:

• the need for trust and communication for those in our family to work together like brothers and sisters.

• the need for us to share our feelings and emotions.

• the need to remain non-judgmental yet supportive in making rational decisions.

• the need to stand on good morals and holding spirituality and faith in God as the foundation pillar in our lives.

• the need to be in authority, yet not be controlling.

• the need to allow mistakes and be open to share the consequences.

• the need to set boundaries and abide by them.

• the need to speak life into the lives of our children.

• the need to give your children directions so they can make godly choices.

• the need to allow our children vent without taking their feedback personally.

• the need to have an open arms relationship with our children.

• the need to say no when necessary, and the need to apply discipline.

• the need to believe in dreams and do our best to see them come true.

• the need to treat our children with great respect.

• the need to fulfill the role of a parent without compromising our parenthood.

I can promise you that this book will help you understand your children and have them fall in love with you. Your dream of being the world’s best dad or mom will become a reality.

THE FOUR STAGES

This first chapter is a reflection on the joy of being a parent at whatever stage your child may be in. As your children age, they go through different stages, just as you age. As a parent, you go through different stages. Regardless of how old you were when you had your first child, you age with your child, and each parent goes through the same development.

Unfortunately, some parents quit rearing their children when they get involved with the wrong crowd, develop bad habits, or become difficult to trust. However, this is the time when your support is needed most to implement the power of parenting and revisit what you stand for and build trust with your child. This is the time when you need to have your children fall in love with you and gain your trust.

No parent should ever give up on their children. No parent should ever speak negative words about their children or negative words to them. No parents should feel they should have the answer for all their children’s problems. No parent should feel that they cannot handle the struggle they are facing with their children.

_________________ s _________________

All parents’ futures are determined

by the relationships they have with their children.

___________________________________________________________________________

We all can share a story or two about our children. We all face difficulty at one time or another with our children. The outcome of how we deal with issues will either take the love the child has for you to another level or separate you.

Some parents can be overprotective, trying to buy their children’s love with materialism, or they even become too much of a friend and lose their parental authority. The moment the authority is diluted, children will treat you as a friend, causing the relationship to take a turn.

When children create in you a sense of guilt, and you yield to it and give them what they want, you are caving in. Later on, you will realize that you’ve created a monster.

Let’s take a look at the four stages that are developed as a parent, from the moment a child is born to when they leave home.

Engaging

The first stage we call the engaging stage. This the stage when the baby is born and is given to you. Most parents will set aside everything and place their entire focus on their newborn, or to the child they have adopted. In this stage, parents cannot get enough of their child and spend most of their time thinking or being around them. They spend quality time with their child, watching every move they make, listening to every cry and every word the child attempts to say. They also go into protection mode, watching out for who handles their child.

In this stage, parents don’t hesitate to wake up at all hours of the night to change their child’s diapers, feed them, and put them back to sleep. Every medical visit is scheduled on time and days off work are taken to make sure the child makes it to each appointment. The child is fed every meal; even if parents are poor, they will make sure their child is fed.

Kathleen made sure our children were well-fed. In the summer, she would buy cheap fruits and vegetables, and can them for the winter. We didn’t have sufficient funds for our bills at times, but our children wore good clothes and were always fed and provided for. Each child got their own room, until the rooms were filled. Then they had to sleep in pairs. Each room was painted, and the bed covers and curtains matched the colour of the walls. Some beds were bunk beds, while others were single beds. The beds always had clean, matching bed sheets.

We invested in toys from the moment our first child was born, and we watched our children play, marvelling at their antics and creativity. We got second-hand clothes and toys at times, but we made use of whatever we had. Our entire focus was on the children. Our oldest is eighteen months older than our second child, so we had diapers on both children. When the third child came alone, we had three wearing diapers for a short while. As soon as your child starts to walk, this stage comes to an end.

Adjustment/Accepting

I call this the adjustment or accepting stage. This is the level of relationship where parents may cease to continue sharing the love they initiated when the child was born. At this point, your child starts developing habits, expressing what they want, and breaking things in the home as they try to figure out who they are and what they want. Many parents resort to using authoritarian discipline rather than continual love. Some women even share regrets about having children. Some parents call it the terrible twos.

Since children are driven by facial expression, emotions, and mimic what they assume to be right, they accept all that is given to them whether it’s right or wrong. Much of what they take in as a child will affect their future.

This is the most difficult stage, as it’s one of the longest. Parents quickly develop what they perceive to be the best parenting skills and adjust their lives to fit accordingly. This stage can last until their child reaches preteen years, and in some cases even longer.

Parents become frustrated with all the mistakes they see their child making, the wrong choices, poor insight and judgment, and immaturity. Some parents may work on their child’s skills, while others focus on discipline, spiritual or social development, or a combination of all.

Parents who have difficulty adjusting their lives to their children become frustrated and give up on themselves or their children. The path of living two lives begins, where the parents focus on their own lives and the children attempt to survive.

Some children have to cook, wash, and take care of themselves at an early age, while others are left alone at home until their working parents return. They may begin exploring their sexuality at this age, and with the internet get themselves into pornography. Some get themselves into illicit substances, alcohol, gangs, or even weapons. They have free time on their hands without the supervision of their parents. In this stage, they soak up everything that appears good to their eyes, or feels good to their emotions.

Children also go through the concept of adjusting their lives as they go from having their needs met as infants to having to take care of themselves. This is the age at which they grow from being innocent to making decisions that may be morally wrong. At this stage, children need their parents more than ever.

A child adjusts to being home with their parents to being with strangers at school, seeing a new environment, hearing new sounds, tasting new foods, and smelling and touching new things. Both parents and children’s lives will experience change in this stage, but some parents may choose to focus on their own lives and expect their child to transition to adults on their own.

The outcome of this stage will affect the next stage.

Investment

I call this the investment stage, or the lasting stage. Here, parents