They Could Make a Soap Opera Out of This

They Could Make A Soap Opera Out Of This!

By: Wayne Hoss

They Could Make a Soap Opera Out Of This

By Wayne Hoss

Published by Wayne Hoss at Smashwords

Copyright 2010 Wayne Hoss

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com or your favorite retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Dedication

This book is dedicated to the three people who were always there for me when it came to my writing, they always loved to read anything and everything that I have ever written. They were honest, sincere, and whenever I needed someone to proof read my material, including all of my poetry, they were always there for me, eager to read, and ready to judge my material with an open mind, honest (and most important of all) unbiased opinion..

Every writer needs someone that he or she can rely on to read their work and to give them an open, yet very honest opinion of the material that they write, because without those people, or that person (of course this is usually a person who loves your writing and believes in you) I could not be a writer at all

I dedicate this book to those three people whom are my sister in law Shannon Hoskison, my Step Sister Donna Sorg, and my precious niece Theresa Story.

I also dedicate this book to the one who always seems to come through for me whenever I am in a pinch and need help of any kind, my good friend Eddie Taylor.

Table of Contents

Introduction: My Life the Soap Opera!

Chapter One: Unlucky From Day One

Chapter Two: Bad Luck Follows Me to my First Job

Chapter Three: Workshop Disasters Continue Tenfold

Chapter Four: A Cook and a Hooker

Chapter Five: Worse Than a Shotgun Wedding

Chapter Six: Call Us Crazy

Chapter Seven: Friend or acquaintance?

More Books by Wayne Hoss

INTRODUCTION

My life the soap opera! Eat your heart out Jerry Springer! Yes, that is right; if Jerry Springer were to read this book, the story of my miserable life, even he would cry. Probably because I did not come to him first!

What can I say about my unbelievably, unlucky, and miserable life other than this, Murphy's Law, Hah! I hear it told that when Murphy read this book he quit murmuring and complaining about his bad luck, at which time he immediately got on his knee's, put his hands together and started praising God and thanking him for his good life, and then he changed careers and went on to make millions of dollars as a comedian; using my screwed up life as his material!

Let me start by giving you a little taste of what I am talking about. Once when I was standing at a bridge in an attempt to commit suicide, just as I arched my back and began to jump, a good Samaritan snatched me up. Just my luck, Thanks a lot pal!

You people would probably call him a Hero, and please do not get me wrong, I would too, if it were not for the fact that I so hated life, and uh... Oh Yeah! Also, because I had just found out that the love of my life, which I had planned to marry, and I had bought an engagement ring for, as well as given a place to live, had just crushed my heart.

After living together for three months I found out that she had a career of her own that I was not aware of, and that she was letting me pay all of the bills, while she stashed money away like a squirrel stashes nuts. What was that career?

Well, let me start by telling you that I met her through my boss, who was one of my very best friends, that is until one day when I came home from work sick and found two men sitting on my love seat, four more men sitting on the couch, and my best friend whom had introduced her to me, my boss, standing right by them counting a huge wad of bills.

All right you quit laughing; that just isn’t funny! Granted that I am a lover, not a fighter, and the fact that (believe this or not, it is true!) I have never in my entire life cheated in a relationship, not once, even to this day; so yes I am an old fashioned guy, and I used to believe in the house with a white picked fence that I would be coming home from work to every day to see my loving and faithful wife who was always there for me. Nobody ever told me that she would be there for everyone else too!

So, to make this introduction short (you can read the whole story later on in this book) Yes! She was a hooker. I bet your wondering what my so-called best friend had to say about that. Well, he said I'm sorry man; I told you when I introduced you to her to just get a piece, and not to fall in love with her! At which point he said that if I would just act like everything was all right when she came out of our bedroom with her John, that he would give me the six hundred dollars in his hand.

He said She really does love you man, and she wanted to ask you to be her pimp, but I told her that would not be a good idea, because I knew that you had just bought her that engagement ring He went on to say, as he extended his hand with the cash in it out towards me, (his hand was just barely big enough to grip that big wad of cash) Here man, there's six hundred dollars here, take it!

I immediately pushed that wad of cash (six hundred dollars in bills) back at him and exclaimed, Keep it; I don't want your filthy money! Now you are probably just dieing to know what my next move was, right?

Well, even though I was a brown belt in martial arts at the time, and I probably thought that I could easily take all six of those guys out (yeah right!); the reason that I did not take a Standing-T position (as they call it in martial arts) and go into Bruce Lee mode was probably because not only did I not want to embarrass Bruce Lee, but more importantly; I did not want to trample all over the broken pieces of my heart scattered all over the carpet and finish crushing them!

Now when I look back at the screwed up life that I have had, and all of the women that I have lived with (believe me there are many) in which have almost, but not completely, convinced me that all women are alike (and yes women out there, I do know that’s what you say about us) Anyway, getting back to the story; I look back now and sometimes think that not only should I have taken the money, but as I turned towards the door to go to the bar, I should have said, Hey, don't give her any breaks, and I want her working until midnight!

However, the truth be known, I would not change a thing; because I still value these old fashioned morals of mine. Why? Beats me, I can't begin to tell you how many good pieces of you know what these morals of mine have cost me, as you'll see all throughout this book.

However, the more I see a lack of morals in this world, the harder I seem to try to hold on to mine so that God does not break into tears and drown the entire world again. Yes, I am saving your miserable lives even as we speak, or in this case, as I type and you read!

In fact, one of my previous girlfriends used to say Oh, you and your morals, and I have had friends that have told me that I am Honest to a fault! That’s strange; I don’t remember that being in the bible anywhere.

Anyways, getting back to the bridge and my suicide attempt which was interrupted by a good Samaritan, whom was so concerned about me upon hearing the whole story that he took me home and introduced me to his wife and then asked his wife if I could stay the night with them, because he was concerned that I would try and commit suicide again.

At that very moment, I felt better, just knowing that there was someone in the world who did not even know me before that night that truly cared. Oh, don't get me wrong, the pain was still there, like a thousand daggers dangling from the valves in my chest that used to be attached to a heart; which is where? That’s right, shattered in pieces all over the carpet!

I bet your feeling all warm and fuzzy inside, thinking to yourself Thank God for Hero's, and as I was saying earlier, ordinarily I would agree; if it were not for the fact that two weeks later; after getting this guy a job where I worked, he had quit his job and rushed out of town, with who? You guessed it, the same woman he and his wife convinced me to forgive and get back together with... my fiancé.

After going to his wife’s house a few days later, I found out that he and my fiancée had somehow convinced his wife to let him be her pimp so that they would have money to pay their rent. The only thing that made me feel just a tiny bit better was the fact that I heard her say Well, he will be back, because he did not pick up his pay check at the restaurant where you guys work at yet, and I told the bookkeeper to call me the second she sees him! They have probably been sleeping in the car these last couple of days; because they did not have any money when they left!

Now call me stupid (never mind, that numbers been disconnected) but even I had that one figured out! Suddenly the double shifts that I had to pull three or four times after getting him a job where I worked, started to make sense. Oh yeah, did I mention that I was the kitchen manager that hired him? That’s right; I hired a hero and got stuck with the bill.

If you thought that was bad, then wait until you read the rest of this book... believe me, that was nothing!

CHAPTER ONE

Unlucky from Day One

I have to say this at the risk of sounding cliché, but lets start at the beginning for a moment; not to bore you; but to prove to you that my unbelievably unlucky life is not just a writer exaggerating and calling a bad year, a bad life. I promise you, it will be anything but boring.

Yes it is all true, one hundred percent of it. Everything that I put in this book did (believe it not) really happen to me, and as much as it pains me to admit that fact, I must say that I, more than anyone, wish that it were not so. Oh, the joy it would bring me to say that this was all the figment of a writer’s overactive imagination. Oh how I wish it were a work of fiction, but it all happened just as I have written.

If this book made millions, I would still trade it all just to go back and live a normal, and perhaps even a lucky life. As hard as it may be, I have to start at the very beginning so that you can see for yourself that I am unbelievably unlucky and that I have lived a miserable life. Therefore my friends, I want to assure you that it is quite all right to laugh your ass off as you read this book, even though I, the writer, was not laughing as I wrote it, I assure you.

It is all right to laugh and enjoy yourself, because whether we would like to admit it or not, we all at some point in our lives have laughed at someone else’s misfortune. For instance, when I was working at a shop as a welder many years ago, one of the truck mechanics asked me to help him pull a truck tire off of the steel rim of the wheel.

Now I am not talking about a pick up truck, I am talking about the huge tires on a forty foot trailer hooked up to a Big rig. The mechanic had already taken the wheel off of the truck axel, and let all of the air out of the tire; now all that was left to do was to pull the tire off of the steel rim.

Maybe it is not saying much when I say that the tire was almost as tall as me (seeing how I am only five foot-five inches tall) but it is no exaggeration to say that it stood as high as my chest. As I was saying, all that was left to do