Don't Settle for Safe: Embracing the Uncomfortable to Become Unstoppable

Introduction

I was twenty-three years old when I made the choice to file for divorce. It was one of the most challenging decisions of my life so far, but I knew without a doubt that my mental, emotional, and spiritual health hung in the balance. So I did the hard thing and reconciled myself to the fact that my marriage was not and would never be the romantic, happily-ever-after tale I’d hoped for. Then I reassessed and created a new vision for my life. What I wanted in life was comfort and stability. I’d go after that dream alone as a single mother of two.

I thought that life was about arriving at a destination where all things made sense and each day had perfect harmony. I know now that I was telling myself yet another fairy tale. A life of constant comfort and stability—without any fears or insecurity—simply does not exist for me or for anyone. My heart, mind, and soul were searching for a place in life that did not exist: comfort. So in spite of my best efforts, situations arose for me daily that made me uncomfortable. Sure, there was a vision in my mind of who I could become if I overcame my fears, but that vision was often blocked by the insecurities that filled my head. Small challenges like presenting new ideas in business meetings made me sweat and squirm. Conflicts and trials with my young children sometimes made me feel overwhelmed.

I can remember thinking, If I can just get over this one thing, then everything else will be smooth sailing! But like waves on the ocean, that one thing I was able to overcome was followed by yet another. So how do we keep from feeling as though we’re drowning when life seems too much for us to handle? Your power to overcome is in your willingness to not just anticipate but embrace the unpredictability of life. Being afraid of the unknown does not keep it at bay.

Life’s challenges promise us endless opportunities to reassess, reevaluate, and push beyond the boundaries of comfort over and over again.

Life’s challenges promise us endless opportunities to reassess, reevaluate, and push beyond the boundaries of comfort over and over again. No one understands that more than I do. After all, I became a mother at age fourteen. Since then I’ve been on a journey that has taught me a lot about myself. For a while I allowed other people and circumstances to control my journey, conforming as best I could to the expectations I perceived from my family and social circle. Each attempt backfired on me in grand fashion.

That journey has taught me some lessons that I hope will help you. I hope this book will serve as your guide to transformational freedom that comes from sacrificing the notion of comfort.

Each minute that passes by is transforming you. Biologically, your hair begins to turn gray, and your skin and muscles begin making a slow, graceful dance into older age. This is the beautiful cycle of life.

On the inside, learning to change and control the way we think about what we’ve faced does not come so naturally. Even more challenging is having the heart to look toward the future with optimism. In fact, it takes great intentionality.

But what I learned is that God does not promise us smooth sailing. It has been said that still waters run deep, but that is only true for bodies of water that are confined to a certain space. The deepest waters, like oceans and seas, have constant waves and ripples that make them the opposite of still; they are the epitome of powerful. The ocean is a part of an ecosystem that is much larger than what the eye can see. The consistent waves of the ocean testify to the ocean’s tremendous power. There is life springing forth from its depths and winds grazing the top of the water that creates an unstoppable current. What’s marvelous to consider is that the same Source that created the ocean, filled it with life, and set it in rhythm, created you. You are as unstoppable and powerful as the ocean!

I trust there have been moments in life when you, too, have felt as though you were barely hanging on, when the waves threatened to pull you under. When insecurities filled your head with all of the reasons you should be afraid. I know that voice well! I’ve heard it many times throughout my own process. It says things like, Don’t do it! You can’t handle what will come after this.

Even as you read this book, that voice may begin to haunt you, trying to convince you that your life’s destiny is not worth the struggle. In those moments you get to choose between staying on the comfort of land or daring to be like the deep, vast ocean that creates both fascination and fear. As you’re reading this book, I will share with you some of the concerns that surfaced in my heart as I chose to dig deeper. Your surface may be different or more complicated than mine, but it’s important that you recognize the necessity of that voice.

If voices of insecurity, doubt, and fear are not confronted, they will dictate your life. You cannot silence these voices or ignore them. Instead, make them your audience as you dare to defy the limitations of your past.

You’ve been given the gift of being on earth for a reason. Recognizing who you are and what you have to offer will help you realize that you do not have to be a slave to any preconceived idea of what your life must look like.

If voices of insecurity, doubt, and fear are not confronted, they will dictate your life.

There may be times when feeling this way actually scares you into shrinking, but you were not meant to cower and resign yourself to a routine or pattern that makes you just like everyone else. The vibrancy of your life is contingent on your ability to accept situations that isolated you and to learn and be empowered by your unique imprint. It’s going to take work, and it’s going to demand transparency and vulnerability. It’s going to dig deep into the areas of your life you’ve probably never examined before. It might not feel safe, but one thing is for sure. You will be transformed into a newer, better version of yourself. Let’s get started!

1

No More Excuses

I am stuck in the persona I’ve created. But how can I dig deep when it’s taking all that I have to hold myself together? Thinking of all the broken pieces scattered around my life makes me afraid to face tomorrow. But I long for freedom. I want to find the light that leads me out of this cave. Please, God, if You can see me, send me a reminder that You’re still with me.

This is the moment that will change your life forever. You are finally becoming the person you always knew you could be. I wish I could say it’s because you opened this book, but it’s much bigger than that. You have decided it’s time for you to be free. You’ve stopped trying to construct a life you hope other people will accept, and instead you’ve decided to embrace the life that God has in store for you. Nothing has happened to you that God can’t use to restore you. The first step in that restoration is recognizing the power you’ve always had to pull yourself out of darkness and constantly push toward the light at the end of the tunnel.

Many times you felt like quitting, but you didn’t. Maybe you were unhappy with the present, unsure about tomorrow, and too afraid to confront the past. Maybe, like me, you’ve thought, If only I hadn’t expected so much, then the pain wouldn’t have been so great. You’ve wondered if you should lower your expectations. One of life’s greatest tests is resisting the urge to cave in to the pressure of that kind of frustration. And you’ve resisted. You’re still dreaming big.

Despite the many tears that threatened to dilute it, your faith did not dissolve. Your heart is still pumping. Your pulse is a sign that this world needs you. All of your achievements, confusion, accolades, issues, awards, and pain prepared you for the journey. You know you were made for so much more than this.

Long before you became aware that life could be more bitter than sweet, you believed that nothing was impossible. The success of this book relies on you connecting with every part of you, especially the pieces that have been buried behind a smile. I want to speak to that purest, most innocent version of you. I want to speak to the child who once believed she could jump off of her bed and fly. I want to speak to the person who was so afraid of the dark that she needed her door cracked to let in a glimmer of light. Remember how you laughed without fear of how your joy would sound to other people and cried without concern that other people would think you were weak? You were fully alive. You felt everything and didn’t need anything to numb you from your reality.

I hate that you’ve adjusted to the pain. Maybe, like me, you grew to a place where you hid your feelings, perhaps even from yourself. But as much as I might wish away the hurts that changed you, the truth is that those hurts created some of the most beautiful parts of your heart. That’s right! You are armed with more wisdom, discernment, awareness, confidence, and joy than the innocent and delicate person you once were.

My mission is to open your eyes and help you see that longing for the past is an illusion. Your present holds more promise than anything that used to be. The cost of that vision is also the reward: transparency, vulnerability, and intimacy with God. At times you may be so uncomfortable you’ll close this book, but you won’t keep it closed for long. You know why? Your soul is begging for you to leave a door cracked open so that light can shine through.

You are armed with more wisdom, discernment, awareness, confidence, and joy than the innocent and delicate person you once were.

This is your season of change and transformation—your opportunity to grow. You are only as free as your mind will allow you to be. Taking control of your life will require you to be proactive, not reactive. But the power of this book cannot be unlocked unless it is read with an open heart and mind. For positive change to take place within your soul, no area can be off limits for examination. Daddy issues, mommy problems, sibling rivalry, low self-esteem, ambition without character, and fragile integrity are just a few of the areas we will explore. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. You are worth it.

Growth is produced through sacrifice. It requires that you release the comfort of your last phase and learn the distinctions of the new one.

Clothes That Don’t Fit Anymore

My husband and I have a blended family with six beautiful children. Touré had his three angels and I had my two. We were content with our small tribe, but as our love began to overflow, we began to dream of adding one more. And then came our baby girl, Ella.

When we were expecting our daughter, the doctor estimated that she’d be a little over eight pounds at time of birth. I didn’t buy many newborn clothes because I know from experience how quickly babies grow. Ella surprised us all when she was born weighing just six pounds. So I quickly stocked up on tiny clothes and diapers. But just a few weeks later, Ella was two months old and already weighed twelve pounds. The slew of newborn diapers and clothes we’d acquired were no longer useful and needed to be given away. Luckily, she was too young to have any attachments to them.

Unfortunately, things were a bit more difficult for her six-year-old sister. When it became evident that Makenzie was outgrowing her clothes, I bought new ones, but I had to undertake a covert mission to get rid of what no longer fit. Even though the old clothes had grown uncomfortable, the nostalgic connection she had to them was strong. She refused to let go of them even though they were no longer useful.

It will take some time before she realizes that it’s foolish to keep clothes that don’t fit. She has yet to learn that the gift of growing requires letting go. We have to let go or we’ll experience discomfort and even pain.

By now you know I’m not just talking about clothes.

Letting go is trusting that we can carry the lessons from our past in our hearts without constantly replaying the pain in our heads. You’re likely much older than Makenzie, but I’m willing to go out on a limb and guess that there are some people, things, and ideas, or maybe patterns or behaviors in your life you’ve grown so accustomed to that the mere thought of confronting and separating from them gives you anxiety.

Trust me, I’ve been there!

Youthful Ambitions

So what is it in your life that you might need to let go of?

When I close my eyes, I can clearly see two extremely different versions of me. Neither are full expressions of who I am, but both are true. On one side I see a young, insecure girl pretending she’s okay. A smile is plastered on her face, but it’s more of a mask than a genuine expression. The sadness in her eyes betrays her. I see how lost her soul has become. Questions plague her and fears haunt her. She doesn’t yet know her incredible potential. She doesn’t know that even with her flaws and struggles, she is full of possibilities. She’s not looking for an opportunity to catapult her to unprecedented heights; she’s just looking for enough stability to feel normal.

Then there’s the other image. She has blossomed into her womanhood. She has learned that stability can only be attained through facing insecurities. She is no longer searching for an opportunity because she recognizes that there are too many to choose from already. She is content to chase God’s destiny for her life. She understands that flaws are a necessary part of life because they foster humility. She has become a student of life and a teacher to all who will listen. Her heart has become perfectly aligned with a Source much stronger than her own will. She has met God and He has shown her the power in being her authentic self.

Both of these are versions of