Belonging

Chapter 1

When he came into the shop weeks ago, Gwen couldn’t stop staring. She couldn’t believe her eyes or keep her heart from racing. The man might as well have stepped out of her many favourite historical romance novels. In fact, he could be any number of characters, from Heathcliff to Edward Rochester. For that matter, toss in Dracula for all the black he was wearing. Not to mention the pale skin, the long wavy black hair, and haunted grey eyes. In short, the man was breathtaking, all her Victorian inspired dreams-come-true in the flesh.

Often while standing behind the counter at Mathewson’s Jewellers, the family-run business where she worked, she wondered how it all had turned out for him. He had seemed so despondent if not jaded for lack of a better word. On the other hand, the girl he was with appeared so hopeful, so reassuring towards him. Even Gwen herself had gotten caught up in her enthusiasm. In truth, she recalled both she and Becky, as she had introduced herself, had practically ganged up on him at the time. Becky had painted such a wistful picture and Gwen couldn’t help but fall under the spell of it. While Crispin, his name was, had looked on rather unconvinced the entire time.

In the end, Gwen had found the perfect gift for him to give the lucky lady in question. Gwen sighed every time she imagined it. The girl would have to be a fool not to accept his gift. In fact, it was the most beautiful bracelet that Gwen herself had been admiring forever. It had arrived at the shop ages ago only to be ignored by the vast clientele. She had become so enamoured with the simple little pewter bracelet. If only it was she he would have given it to. That man, that bracelet, together, it was all so very perfect.

Gwen couldn’t believe it when he had run his long slender fingers over the bracelet sitting amongst the other sparkly gold and silver trinkets that Becky had requested for a closer look. Gwen had placed it alongside the others in a last ditch attempt. With the slightest exchanges of eye contact with her, Crispin picked up the tiny pewter bracelet and twisted it around his fingers.

This is the one, he said with a sigh before reaching for his wallet.

***

Weeks later while flipping through her many notes, Gwen found herself daydreaming about Crispin as she often did since that fateful day before Christmas. It was silly, really. She didn’t even know much about him, not even his last name. Still, she couldn’t help it. Once again, she wondered how it had turned out for him. No doubt, the lucky lady would have been thrilled with his gift. Hopefully, whoever she was would be appreciative of the bracelet for its delicate simplicity.

Oh, who was she kidding?

As much as she wanted to root for him as if he were a character in her books, a selfish part of her wanted him for herself. She wanted to claim the book boyfriend as her own, even at the expense of his broken heart. In her imaginings, she would be the true heroine who shows up near the end of the story and saves the broken boy from further heartache. If only real life could be as it was in her favourite books.

Snapping out of her thoughts, Gwen took a soothing sip of her earl grey tea. Break time was almost over and soon she’d have to return to the shop next door. For now, though, she was going to enjoy what time she had left by focusing on planning her dream holiday. A trip she so desperately wanted to take but had no idea how she would ever follow through.

How could she possibly get past her paralyzing fear of the unknown? She had thought that by taking such great pains to plan out every aspect of the trip, she would feel better about going. But as much as she tried to convince herself, she simply could not get past the idea of dealing with the airport, never mind flying itself. So much could go wrong! So many aspects to contend with. For someone suffering from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, the fear of the unexpected or unrehearsed was crippling!

If she could persuade one of her friends to go with her, it might make things easier, but, of course, none of her friends were interested in a trip to dreary old England. They would much rather go south to sunny all-inclusive resorts. Gwen understood that yet she had no interest in those types of trips. What she wanted most was England. She wanted to see the place that inspired so many of her favourite books.

Chapter 2

Really? Crispin muttered, glaring at the little sign on the shop door. Who the fuck has twenty minutes to stand around with nothing better to do? Back in twenty indeed! What year is this? Who closes a shop door for coffee breaks anymore?

He should have returned the blasted bracelet ages ago. In fact, he had come back here shortly after Christmas but seeing the same girl behind the counter, he had lost his nerve. That same girl had basically ganged up on him with Becky and filled his head with all sorts of ridiculous romantic notions that he had no business thinking about.

Since then, he had come to his senses, thank God. He had simply been too preoccupied to return it before now. Besides, downtown Kingston wasn’t exactly on his list of favourite places to hang out. All he wanted now, was to return the bracelet and get his money back. Having the silly little trinket in his coat pocket only served to remind him of what an idiot he’d been that day.

Every now and then he would find it in his pocket to then scoff at the very sight of it. Such a miserable delicate bauble. As if Gracie would like such a thing. His ex-girlfriend would have only laughed in his face, and rightly so. Gracie was as far from delicate as a woman could be. Besides, there was absolutely nothing Goth about it. In fact, it was just about the girliest bracelet he had ever seen.

Looking around, he spotted a café next door and decided to go in. God forbid someone see him lurking in front of a jewellery shop like a pathetic love-struck fool. Perhaps a good strong cup of coffee was exactly what he needed. He may as well take the time to formulate a plan, too. He needed to think of something very quickly.

Crispin was truly at a loss. He was running out of time and patience. He knew what he needed to do, but he didn’t have a clue as to how to go about it. He’d tossed and turned all night thinking. Where could he go? He could just drive off to Toronto but that would only bring back memories of his recent trip with his housemates. He needed something different, a place he’d never been. A place that held no emotional ties for him to dwell on.

Spring break was only a week away and there was no way in hell he would survive hanging around the House of Goths while his lusty housemates, Kell and Becky, had their way with each other. No doubt, Dorian and his girlfriend, Heather, would be just as unbearable to be around. Having to witness all that domestic bliss would surely kill him.

As it was, he had become way too attached to Becky and his bandmates already. As much as he loved them all, yes, even Keegan, in order to survive, he would have to distance himself. Being around them only made him weak and vulnerable to the inevitable. Surely, one day, he would be asked to vacate the premises for good. As much as Becky reassured him otherwise, he knew better. Once again, he would find himself on his own. It was his destiny to be alone. There was no point in pretending.

As it was, more and more, he had been looking for reasons to leave the house. He didn’t need to be reminded of his reality as the pathetic eternal bachelor. With that unpleasant thought in his head, Crispin entered the café with a scowl on his face and made his way directly to the counter.

Realizing his abrupt arrival had caused everyone to look his way, he paused. Good Lord, look at them gawking. It shouldn’t surprise him since he often drew attention to himself given his appearance. Of course, sometimes it was for being recognized as the singer for his band, the Kingston Quartet. That, he didn’t mind so much. He quite enjoyed running into the odd fan. Perhaps that is why they were looking. More likely, though, it was because of his glorious Gothness. Well, fuck them, let them stare. Let them eat their mundane hearts out.

With an air of contempt, he glared around at the faces in the small café. It was at that moment his eyes locked upon the very reason for his coming down here. Staring back at him, sat the girl from the jewellery shop. The clerk who had beguiled him to buy the silly little bracelet in the first place. How opportune a situation! He would just have to tell her that he had changed his mind and wanted his money back. If she gave him an issue, he would simply claim that she had pressured him into buying the damn thing.

After ordering his cup of dark roast with an added espresso shot, Crispin took his beverage and approached her. The moment he got close enough, he instantly remembered why he had been so easily swayed to buy the bracelet. He hadn’t known at the time what he was looking for. He simply wanted to purchase a gift. Even Becky hadn’t been much help that day. It was this young lady who had compelled him with that very same look in her eyes as she now had.

Pardon me, young miss. Is this seat taken?

Not giving her a chance to answer, he sat down in the chair across from her at the very small table. When she said nothing, he flashed her his most charming smile. He could be a bastard or he could be the charmer. In her case, the charmer seemed the most appropriate. There was definitely something about this girl that called upon that side of him. When he had first approached her, he was ready to be the bastard. To lash out at her, was first and foremost in his defensive nature. He was ready to be his usual intense demanding self and get to the point. His only business here was to return the bracelet and get his money back. But from the moment his eyes met hers, he’d caught himself. The look she gave him was not one of fear of his Gothness, but one of awe and that was a look he could never get enough of. If he read her correctly, he would have to sweet talk her. Maybe even make her feel sorry for him. Perhaps it would be the best way to get this over with.

When she didn’t respond, he leaned in closer. Speak up, I can’t hear you.

S-sorry, yes, of course, please sit. Snapping out of her momentary stupor, Gwen scrambled to gather her scattered notes into a folder. For a moment, she had been gobsmacked. It was like he had materialized out of her musings. Just as the first time, she laid eyes on him, she couldn’t keep her heart from racing.

Studying for exams? He quirked an eyebrow. While he waited for her to answer, he took the opportunity to read her body language and observe her. One could never be too sure. She was definitely guarded with the way she grappled onto those notes, drawing them away from his line of vision. Other than that, her nervous smile was just that, a nervous smile, not one of judgement. Lucky for her or else he might have morphed into her worst nightmare. There was nothing he hated more than to be looked upon with apprehension simply because of his Gothness.

Actually, no, she said. I’m done with all that.

You’re not in college?

Well, not anymore, she said with a sigh. College was yet another victim of her irrational fears.

You say that like it’s a bad thing. He put his cup to his mouth and took a sip, gazing at her. He took in the shape of her face, the blue-grey of her eyes, the pink of her unadorned lips, her chestnut hair haphazardly fastened back, the majority of it draping her shoulders like a shawl. She wore a turtleneck sweater. Her winter coat rested on her chair. When she didn’t elaborate, Crispin figured he would get to the point. Anyway, I’m glad to have run into you here. I don’t know if you remember me…

Crispin, of course, I remember you from before Christmas. You came in with a girl, a friend of yours.

That would be Becky, yes. He was surprised at her quick response and more than just a little pleased. Wonderful, I was hoping to discuss that very occasion with you. Sorry, I don’t remember your name.

I’m Gwen, I remember you both clearly. She caught herself, embarrassed by her enthusiastic reaction. Because… well, because you bought that bracelet. I loved that bracelet. I often wondered how your girlfriend reacted when she received it.

Well, that’s just it. Reaching into his pocket, Crispin pulled out the tiny trinket and held it up between his long fingers. I never gave it to her. Besides, she’s not my girlfriend. Never was, actually.

Oh…

Yes, oh… He rested it on the table between them, the little price tag still attached. It has actually never left my pocket.

You say that like it’s a bad thing. She smiled, mirroring his earlier comment. In her opinion, that bracelet couldn’t have been in a nicer place. She refused to pretend to be upset by the news that he never parted with it. But at his frown, she quickly backtracked. Sorry, I don’t know why I said that.

It’s fine. I’m quite over the whole thing, he said, watching her reach for it with her fingers, stroking it ever so lightly. Obviously, this is why he had bought the damn thing in the first place. She had lured him in then, the very same way she was doing now as she gazed upon the silly little trinket. She somehow made it more precious than it obviously was. It was a great quality in a salesclerk. I was hoping to return it for a refund.

Return it but why?

Here we go, thought Crispin. The guilt trip. Another great sales tactic.

Well, why would I want it? It was to be a gift. I have no use for it now.

But you could keep it and perhaps give it to someone else. Someone who might appreciate it. By someone else, she meant herself. One could only dream.

Crispin furrowed his brow. Huh… but wouldn’t that be a tad tacky? I mean, who would want a gift intended for another?

Well, since you never actually gave it to her, then it was never hers to have. You bought it to give but never gifted it.

You make it sound like it has a mind of its own. It’s not even all that. I don’t even know what it’s made of. It’s not gold or even silver. It’s nothing really, not even very expensive. What, fifty dollars? Listen, if this is just about losing your commission–

At this, Gwen got right upset. It is not worthless by a long shot and this is not about my commission! It may not be gold, silver or platinum but it is lovely just the same!

Well then, if you love it so much, why don’t you marry it? he teased, quirking an eyebrow. Here, take it, it’s yours. He pushed it towards her. It’s not about the money. I just rather be rid of it. As it is, it’s a constant reminder of what was never meant to be.

I can’t just take it. She balked. It wouldn’t be right.

At this, Crispin was at a loss. His patience was being tested. She obviously didn’t know who she was dealing with. For a calming moment, he let his eyes wander to her notes once again. So what is all that about, if not school related?

Oh, this… It’s an itinerary for a trip I’m thinking about taking.

Thinking about? From what I see, it looks like you’ve been thinking about it a whole lot. When are you going?

Well, I’m not. Not just yet. I’ve still got more planning to do for it.

Why? Where is it, the moon?

No not the moon! England.

England? he repeated. Then what’s the problem? People travel back and forth to England every day.

There’s just so much to see and do. I want to plan it so I see everything on my list. She refused to admit her fears of travelling. It was better to let him think that she wasn’t yet ready to travel.

Well, why don’t you simply wing it? See what you can and what you don’t, plan to return once again. Suddenly, Crispin was struck with an idea that would not go away. This was just what he was looking for. The answer to his problem.

Easy for him to say. Gwen took a deep breath. She’d be lucky enough to survive one trip as it was. She had to make sure she saw everything since she might never get the courage to travel again. I can’t wing it. She frowned as he gestured for her to hand over the precious itinerary. But when he encouraged her with those entrancing eyes, she couldn’t resist.

She watched as he flipped through her many notes. She could tell he was studying them in great detail. She did have it all very well planned out. One particular page he was now looking at had a simplified day-to-day plan of where to stay and what to see.

Gwen, how about a deal? He looked back and forth from her to the notes in his hands.

What kind of deal?

A trade. I’ll trade you this bracelet for this itinerary.

You want my itinerary?

Yes, I do. I’ve been racking my brain for ideas as to where to go. I need to get away. And, well, this is perfect. You have taken all the thinking out of it for me.

You want to go to England?

I do now. Why not? It makes perfect sense. God knows I have no interest in sunny destinations. I’m an art major, and you’ve included galleries and museums, perfect for a Goth like me. Of course, if I don’t make it to half of them, I’ll be quite happy. I’m afraid I’m not as ambitious as you apparently are. Besides, dreary old England is the perfect place to inspire the songwriter in me.

When would you go? she asked, holding her breath.

Next week, of course.

But… I mean, who would you go with? Won’t it be difficult to arrange at the last minute?

Difficult? Not with this plan of yours to go by. Besides, I’m going alone. And I’m actually rather keen. So no need to persuade myself. As far as I’m concerned, I’m already on the plane. So, what do you say? Do we have a deal?

I-I don’t know. I worked rather hard on that. Suddenly, she was struck with an idea. Actually, more of a knee jerk reaction. What if… what if I went with you?

Um… no, not possible. Thank you just the same. This isn’t that kind of trip. He quirked a suggestive eyebrow. Well, now where did that come from? Was she actually proposing…

No, of course, that’s not what I was implying. Please, I hardly know you. I only meant as your own personal tour guide since I know my itinerary so well. In return, I’d have your company. You see, my main reason for hesitating in going is that I didn’t have anyone to go with. And, well, being female, I’m reluctant to travel on my own. As pathetic as that sounded, at least, she hoped to appeal to the gentleman in him. She would rather he believe that her wanting to go with him was purely for reasons of personal safety. He didn’t have to know the real reason, her crippling anxiety.

Crispin could only frown. His inherent protective nature winced at the very real and honest admission on her part. Looking in her clear blue-grey eyes, her blatant vulnerability called to him. Yet… this was not something he wanted to deal with. His whole purpose in going was to be on his own, to distance himself from people, not attach himself to another. As it was, he was already feeling a little too much for this particular young lady. The last thing he wanted was to exchange one clingy female for another only to have them rip his heart out in the end. He already had that with Becky. He’d fought his affections for her from the beginning only to be steamrolled by her loveable quirkiness. Trouble was, he knew he had issues keeping his perspective when it came to relationships. Therefore, he needed to nip this in the bud.

Listen, as much as I would love to help, I cannot be your escort. He paused and gave his head a shake. He needed to focus. Odd sensations were starting to take root and he didn’t like it one bit. So, do we have a deal or not? The bracelet for the itinerary? When she hesitated, Crispin frowned. He already felt like a bastard in the truest sense of the word, he didn’t need the added guilt. Never mind, keep it. I’ll just book my own trip. I think I can work from memory. As for the bracelet, perhaps the best place for it is at the bottom of the lake. Maybe I’ll head over there now and toss it in.

No! You can’t! Gwen’s mind raced with what to do. She suddenly wanted more than anything to make this trip happen. And the last thing she wanted was for her beloved bracelet to end up at the bottom of Lake Ontario. Here, take it! Please, don’t toss the bracelet.

Wonderful decision. He slid the trinket towards her. In return, she reluctantly slid over her notes. Tell you what, I’ll go on my own this time and when I get back I’ll let you know if I would add or subtract anything from this plan.

Okay, sounds fair, I guess, she said, watching him gather up her beloved itinerary. The whole time, her mind worked. This could not happen this way, she kept repeating to herself. She would not let it happen.

Looking quite proud of himself, Crispin finished his coffee and stood up. Now, where to go from here? I suppose I could get on the internet and try and book a flight.

No! I mean, why would you do that? Listen, I have a better idea. A busy guy like you doesn’t need to have to worry about those types of details.

Oh? What would you suggest?

Uh… my friend. I have a friend. She’s a travel agent. She works across the street right there. She pointed eagerly. Just tell her Gwen sent you and she’ll look after the whole thing. She’ll even give you a discount. Stacy is her name.

Hmm… wonderful idea. Stacy, you say? Crispin glanced across the street at the travel agency. Thanks for the tip, Gwen. Oh, and enjoy the bracelet. Tucking the notes under his arm, he took the trinket from her trembling hands and fastened it to her right wrist. There, as it should be. It belongs with you.

With a wink of an eye, he turned and made his way out of the café. Gwen waited with her heart in her throat as he took his leave. She watched him cross the street and reach for the travel agency door before grappling for her cell phone.

Stacy, it’s Gwen. I have a huge favour to ask of you!

Chapter 3

One week later

That had been harder than Crispin imagined. Granted, it was a stupid, selfish thing to do. He should never have tried to sneak away without saying a proper goodbye. He couldn’t fight back the tiny smile, though, at the thought of Becky’s reaction. She had caught him in the driveway as he was loading his suitcase into the car. She had literally grabbed onto him and had refused to let him go until he had sufficiently reassured her of his return. Even then, she wasn’t quite convinced. Such a little dormouse, he loved the silly little twit. But then that was the whole point of him needing to get away from her. From her and his other housemates.

Regardless of their constant reassurances to the contrary, they would eventually move on. He had no interest in being the fifth wheel. Besides, he simply needed to step away for a while. Even if just to prove to himself that he could be alone and survive it. Yet no matter how much he tried to explain it to Becky, she couldn’t accept his viewpoint. She could not understand that sometimes, one must leave to find oneself.

Grasping onto the steering wheel, he focused his attention on the road. It was still rather dark, only five in the morning and it was raining heavily. At least, it wasn’t snowing. That would make the three-hour drive to the airport even worse.

As he drove he thought back to the day at the café with Gwen. He was glad to have come across her