Journey into Darkness

Also by the Same Author

For 9-12 Year Olds

History’s a Mystery*

History’s a Mystery Again*

History’s Still a Mystery*

History’s a Mystery Once More*

For Adults

A Brummy’s Backyard**

A Voice to be Heard*

Cry to the Wind*

Winfale Park*

The Weif*

*also available as an eBook through Amazon.com

**only available as an eBook through Amazon.com

Arous’d and angry, I’d thought to beat the alarum,

and urge relentless war,

But soon my fingers fail’d me, my face droop’d

and I resign’d myself,

To sit by the wounded and soothe them,

or silently watch the dead.

Walt Whitman The Wound-Dresser 1865

Map of Crimea

USA during the Civil War

Part One

Melbourne 1855-1856

Chapter One

Kit

September, 1855

My earliest memory was of not really belonging to my family and this feeling persisted.

Yet I was brought up in a loving home, the eldest of three girls and a little boy, with two parents who loved us all unreservedly. I always assumed these two people were my mother and stepfather but I was wrong on both counts.

When I was fourteen the truth finally surfaced and I realised my childish premonition hadn’t been far from the mark; and my true parentage only came out then because of Jack.

I had been in love with Jack from the age of six and I still clearly remember the first time I met him...

He was seven at the time and had just been to Adelaide. His mother and young sister had left from there to return to England to visit family while Jack, his younger brother Mark and his father Adam stayed briefly with us in Melbourne on their way back to Sydney. Adam already knew my mother and aunt well because all three had come out from England on the same ship back in 1839 and the two families had corresponded ever since.

One day during this short stay, we all shared a picnic on the shores of Port Phillip Bay. Gulls circled and kaaked above, sunlight sparkled off the brilliant blue water and the salty smell of drying seaweed filled the air. It was a perfect day to be on the beach.

Jack and I were the oldest of the six children and we felt an instant accord. After spending time digging an enormous hole, Jack suddenly grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the waves.

‘Come on, don’t be frightened. It’ll be fun, you’ll see.’ His blue eyes were framed by a head of dark, curly hair much like my own and his grip felt warm and strong. He looked down at me, an impish grin creasing his face.

‘All right.’ Though a little fearful, I let him lead me into the bay. With my hand securely in his I stood beside him in the knee-deep water, my heart thumping in my chest.

As the first wave approached he squeezed my hand and yelled, ‘Jump!’

Soon I was jumping over the rollers with him, landing in the soft sand and shrieking with delight, the cold water sloshing around my legs and drenching my clothes.

‘I told you it would be fun!’

That golden memory remained strong even after he returned to Sydney. I was too young to miss him for long but I revisited the picnic over and over in my head and spoke often to my mother about that glorious day at the beach.

Less than a year later, he was back in my life but this time under tragic circumstances. His mother and baby sister had perished in a shipwreck and his father was finding it difficult to cope with their loss. Not able to manage his two small boys, Adam came to Melbourne and asked my mother if they could stay with us for a time, a request to which she readily agreed.

I can’t remember Jack and Mark being sad for long though they must have missed their parents dreadfully. Soon they were just two more children in our family and, from that time on, Jack and I became inseparable, spending almost every waking moment together. He was like an older brother and I looked to him for both companionship and guidance.

He was also a boy prone to mischief and fun. Most often his pranks were directed at me and I learned early on in our life together to inspect my shoes, my cup at the breakfast table and my bed at night to avoid close encounters with shiny, slimy or furry creatures which would have been far more at home in our garden.

Also he frequently led me astray. Whenever we were caught and punished for some mischief directed at someone else he would just smile and wink at me, letting me know that, in his opinion, the caper was worth the penalty.

As we grew out of childhood and left our school days behind, our feelings for one another deepened and we began to see a future life together as husband and wife.

Loving Jack came as naturally as breathing to me and I couldn’t imagine life without him.

He had grown from a good-looking boy into an attractive young man and I believed he saw me in a similar way. We progressed quickly from holding hands to hugs and kisses, wanting more from each other though always holding back. He would kiss me passionately and crush my body against his, wanting me to feel his hardness and to know his ardour.

My enthusiasm matched his and I returned his kisses hungrily, yearning for the time when we could lie together in our marriage bed and commit to each other fully as man and wife. We talked of marrying as soon as I turned sixteen.

That was how it remained until a fateful day in the March of 1854, when Jack was fifteen and I was fourteen. On that day all our hopes, desires and dreams came crashing down. Not only did I discover who my real parents were but that news brought with it the realisation that Jack and I could never marry.

I still blame my parents – all four of them – for delaying far too long in telling us the truth and I still remember that momentous conversation as if it was yesterday. I was in the parlour with my parents, Maddy and Matthew, Aunt Joey and Uncle Adam.

My mother, Maddy, began…

‘Kit, your Papa and I are not your real parents. We adopted you when you were a small baby.’

‘What? Yes, I already know that Papa is not my real father. My real father died when I was small. Then you married Papa.’

‘Yes, darling, that is what we allowed you to believe. But my first husband was not your real father either and I am not your real mother.’

I sat there, staring at her, dumbstruck by this revelation and trying to take in what she had said.

‘What about Emma and Grace?’ I stammered. knew that my younger brother, Little Joe, was adopted but suddenly my sisters’ parentage was also in doubt.

‘No, Emma and Grace are my real children, both born to my first husband. But when you were a tiny baby we adopted you and took you as our own. And you have always been our eldest and much-loved daughter.’

I sat there in silence for a moment, bemused but not unduly upset by this news. Perhaps this was the reason I always had felt that I didn’t quite belong.

‘Did your first husband accept me?’

My mother looked over at her present husband before returning to face me. ‘No, not really. He wasn’t a very nice man.’

There it was. My earliest memories were validated.

‘Do you know who my real mother is, Mother?’

‘Yes, Kit. It’s your Aunt Joey.’

‘Aunt Joey?’ I frowned, staring at my aunt. This time shock must have shown clearly on my face.

‘Yes, Kit, you’re my daughter. I gave birth to you soon after we arrived in Melbourne.’

‘And you didn’t want me?’’

My aunt sighed and shook her head. ‘Oh, Kit, it’s so much more complicated than that. It was not that you were unwanted or unloved. But I was unmarried and working hard to establish our first hotel. Your mother was newly married and willing to take over your care. She earnestly wanted to do this. And socially it was far more acceptable.’

‘I wouldn’t have thought that you would be worried about socially-acceptable behaviour, Aunt Joey.’

She smiled. ‘It was expedient at the time. And we judged it would be better for you in the long term. We hoped the gossip would die down and you could be raised without the stigma of illegitimacy.’

My aunt continued. ‘And my sister has been a much better mother to you than I ever could have been. You must realise by now that I am not the mothering type.’

I smiled and nodded, conceding that I agreed with her assessment. ‘Well, I must say that this news has shocked me. But as you said, Mother, it really doesn’t change anything. I know you all love me and I see that what you did was probably the best solution at the time.’ I sat thinking for a moment. ‘I can still live here at Yarra House, can’t I?’

Papa frowned. ‘Of course! You are our daughter and we wouldn’t want it any other way.’

‘And I will still call you Aunt Joey?’ I asked my real mother.

‘Yes! Nothing has changed. You simply know the facts now.’

‘Yes.’ I paused, thinking it all through before looking again at my aunt. ‘But not quite all the facts, Aunt Joey. I still do not know the name of my real father. Am I permitted to know this or is it a family secret?’ I gave my aunt an impish smile.

I could see that my question unsettled her and, without answering me, her eyes sought Adam’s. I caught that glance and my eyes followed hers.

‘I’m your real father, Kit.’

This was the moment my world turned upside down. As what he said sank in, my face turned beet red and I jumped to my feet, vehemently shaking my head.

‘Oh, no! No, no, no! No, that can’t be right! You can’t be my father!’

Adam stared back, anguish plain on his face.

I whipped my head around and spat my next words at my aunt.

‘How could you do this to me, Aunt Joey! How could you! I can’t believe it!’ Fuming, I began pacing. ‘Do you know what you have done? Do you know? You have ruined my entire life, that’s what you’ve done! I hate you! I hate you and I never, ever want to see you again!’

Before anyone had a chance to say anything further I stormed from the room. Shaken to the core, that revelation precipitated my flight to Sydney. I desperately needed to distance myself, not only from Jack, but from my natural mother whom I believed had done me an unforgivable wrong. Strangely, my anger was directed at her and not at Uncle Adam.

I stayed over twelve months in Sydney. When I returned, I thought I was over my attachment to Jack but quickly found this was not the case. On seeing him again, all my old feelings resurfaced. Despairing, I realised that the time away had been not nearly long enough. I would have to go again.

Once that decision was made, I first sought my natural mother. I had been working in one of her first-class hotels since leaving school. ‘Aunt Joey, I’m going to sound ungrateful and it’s not like that at all.’

‘You’ve decided that working in a hotel is not what you want?’

‘Yes! No! Oh, not really! Just not right now.’ I shook my head. ‘Does that make any sense?’

‘Yes. But you’re very good at what you’re doing, Kit. And you must know that it’s only a stepping stone. I can see you running the business in the years ahead. Is there something else here that interests you?’

I shook my head. ‘No.’ I sighed. ‘Oh, Aunt Joey, it’s all so complicated. I truly believed it would work – coming back from Sydney and joining your world. I wanted… want so much to be a part of it all, to settle down and help you, not only as you continue to recover from your illness but into the future as well.’

‘And now you’ve discovered that it’s not what you want?’

‘Well, I do still want all that. But there’s a problem.’

‘I see.’ She took a deep breath. ‘And the problem is Jack?’

My bleak face told her that she had guessed rightly. ‘I keep telling myself that I’m lucky to have him as a brother. I thought I had convinced myself.’

‘And you haven’t?’

‘No! I can see myself slipping back to where I was before I went to Sydney. I still have strong feelings for him and it’s far from ideal living in the same house.’

‘Would it help if you were to move out and live somewhere different?’

‘No, because I would still see him constantly, at every family gathering.’

‘Do you know whether Jack feels the same way?’

I shook my head. ‘I haven’t talked to him.’

‘Perhaps you should.’

‘Hmm.’

Aunt Joey sat in silence for a while longer. ‘Have you come to a decision, darling?’

I sighed. ‘Yes. I believe I need to go away again. I have in mind to go to England.’

‘England?’

I nodded.

‘That’s rather extreme. What about returning to Sydney or somewhere else a little closer?’

‘No, I don’t think so. I‘ve really decided on England. I’ve thought a great deal about it and believe I can turn it into a successful business trip for you. A few times lately you’ve mentioned the idea of importing some ready-made fashion garments from London for the hotel stores. I’d like to select those and organize their delivery as well as set up some sort of on-going arrangement with the fashion houses. What do you think?’

‘Goodness!’ She sat thinking. ‘Have you told your parents any of this?’

‘No.’

‘Well, clearly you’ve given it serious thought and it would solve my immediate problem of new merchandise. You have a wonderful sense of fashion and good taste besides so I’d be very confident in you purchasing stock for our stores. You are young but you have a sensible head on your shoulders.’ She paused and gave me a smile. ‘I certainly won’t stand in your way.’

She stood and took me in her arms. ‘But I shall miss you.’ My natural mother was far more comfortable talking about her business interests than about her personal feelings. I understood that for I was much the same. Except when it came to Jack.

‘But I had hoped you would be at my wedding to Tom.’

Aunt Joey had become a widow following Adam’s untimely death the year before and Tom had lost his wife, Catherine, in childbirth two years ago. That the two of them had now found happiness in each other was something that pleased the whole family.

‘Oh, Aunt Joey! I wouldn’t miss that for the world!’

My aunt smiled. ‘Good. Now, I happen to know that the American clipper ship, the Donald McKay, is presently moored at Hobsons Bay and is leaving at the end of the month. I’ve seen the daily advertisements in The Argus. You shall be on it, provided your mother and father give their approval. I shall go to the shipping office myself and enquire about a cabin.’

She drew me close. ‘I love you, Kit.’

Though she rarely spoke the words aloud, I had a deep sense of her abiding love. ‘I know you do and I love you too. Thank you for understanding.’

‘I’ve had my share of love and heartbreak, as you know. Now, shall I come with you to break the news to your parents?’

Mother and Papa were deeply concerned when they first heard of my plan as they considered me too young to travel half-way around the world on my own but they were less inclined to oppose the idea when they realised I had Aunt Joey’s approval. They were also a little more mollified when they discovered that I would be travelling on the fastest, strongest and most luxurious ship in the world. But what finally secured their approval was my promise to take a travelling companion with me. For I was still only sixteen.

Chapter Two

Jack

September, 1855

After coming in from work on a Friday in early September, I was sitting on the floor in the parlour building a castle of blocks with eighteen-month-old Lucas. He is my father and Joey’s child, so is my half-brother and a full brother to Kit. (When Joey married my father, she requested I drop the ‘Aunt’ and simply call her Joey, something I was happy to do.)

Lucas was born in the year following my father and Joey’s marriage, sadly on the same day my father died. Like his older sister, he is growing up believing Aunt Maddy to be his mother. Joey still much prefers running the business to mothering.

The week just passed had been busy as usual. Since leaving school I’d been working alongside Uncle Tom learning the transport side of our family’s business. It is the part my father had established and built up. Apart from really enjoying the challenge, I was relishing the chance to spend more time with the quiet and capable man Joey would soon marry, the man who unobtrusively kept all of our family’s interests humming along so smoothly.

Tom Dawson, originally a carpenter from Kent, had come out to Australia on the same passenger ship as my father, Aunt Maddy and Joey and had been persuaded to accompany the two sisters to Melbourne. Initially he had overseen the renovation of their first hotel, the Luxford, and then had stayed on to undertake the building of all the other hotels, gradually becoming more and more indispensable and proving himself to be a reliable and trustworthy friend. Now he was the general manager of all the family’s interests and was the one who knew most about the business even though it was Joey who remained firmly in control.

While Lucas merrily scattered the blocks and gathered them in again, I sat reflecting on my life and how fortunate I had been to grow up here at Yarra House with the Markhams. The family had grown to be rather large and unwieldy over the years and it was a small miracle that we all rubbed along together so well.

I grew up surrounded by much love. Aunt Maddy and Uncle Matthew readily accepted Mark and me into their family eight years ago when Father went away after the loss of Mama and my little sister. I can barely recall Rosie now and only have shadowy recollections of my mother for I was just seven when that tragedy occurred. I remember Mama laughed a lot and was a very happy person but my memories are most probably blended with those of Aunt Maddy for she is similarly gentle, caring and contented. She is like a broody hen, caring for all the chicks, whether or not they are her own.

There are seven of us children in Yarra House and soon there will be three more. When Tom marries Joey he will bring his three children with him.

Yarra House, with its two separate wings radiating out from the main house, is plenty large enough to accommodate everyone. Mark and I have our own rooms in the south wing and Tom and Joey will share the north wing when they marry.

I was brought out of this reverie when Kit sauntered into the parlour and found us playing together on the floor.

Lucas also looked up, giving her a toothy smile. His front teeth were all through but the dribble on his chin suggested more were on their way. Kit tousled his hair.

‘Hello, boys. Jack, could you join me for a stroll before supper? I fancy a bit of fresh air.’

‘Sure. But I told Aunt Maddy I’d mind Lucas so we’ll have to put him in the pull-cart and take him along. He’ll enjoy the walk.’

Leaving Kit briefly I went to the kitchen and informed my aunt, returning a few minutes later with the cart and a jersey for Lucas. After sitting him down in the tattered old carriage which already had seen service for many in the family, I steered him out the door held wide by Kit and bumped him down the front stairs to the street. Lucas shrieked in excitement. For some reason, I was one of his favourite people and an outing with me was something he savoured.

We turned left and headed along the embankment towards the Botanical Gardens. A newly-made raised wooden footpath kept us up out of the dust. We crossed the entrance to the Prince’s Bridge straddling the Yarra River on our right and kept going, nodding to or greeting a few acquaintances along the way. The late afternoon was pleasantly mild. Spring was in the air and the deciduous trees in the gardens all bore a profusion of new buds.

We ambled along, outwardly content in each other’s company. Yet I could sense Kit’s tension and knew she was troubled. Fairly certain of its basis and not trusting myself to begin, I kept silent as we entered the gardens, waiting for her to say what was on her mind.

‘Jack, I’ve decided to go away again.’

I stopped walking and turned to face her. Desire rose in me like a fanned flame and I gripped the pull-cart more firmly, resisting the urge to take her in my arms. Her perfect face was tense as she struggled to remain in control.

‘I see.’ My mind screamed out against her words but I pushed that response away and forced out a casual reply. ‘Back to Sydney?’

‘No. I am thinking of England.’

‘England!’ I shook my head, envisaging the long sea voyage with its health hazards, the real chance of shipwreck and of what had happened to my mother and little sister. I couldn’t help myself. ‘That’s too far!’ I gasped while my mind screamed, You can’t go away and leave me again, you just can’t!

Kit said nothing further, standing there staring off into the distance.

I couldn’t bear her complacency. I had to try to stop her. ‘You can’t!’ I grasped at a possible barrier. ‘Have you told your parents?’

‘Not yet.’

‘They won’t let you. You’re too young.’

‘I don’t think they’ll stop me.’

I tried to control the wild beating of my heart. ‘And you believe it’s necessary?’

She nodded bleakly before gazing into my eyes. Hers filled with tears.

I gripped the pull-cart again, desperate to take her in my arms. ‘Oh, Kit! You can’t go and leave me again!’ It was my turn to look away, tears blinding me.

‘I have to. Can’t you see that? I can’t do this anymore, Jack. Living here, so close to you… it’s a daily torment. And it’s not getting any easier no matter how hard I try.’

‘I know.’

‘So you feel the same way?’

‘Of course I do. I’ve never stopped loving you and I don’t want to imagine a life without you. I thought… I thought we would simply go on like this… like we are now. Seeing you every day is all that keeps me going. Though it’s devilishly hard to keep my hands off you. But if you go away…’

‘But don’t you see that I must go? We’ll never overcome our attachment to each other while we remain this close. We need to put a big distance between us.’

‘It didn’t help when you lived in Sydney.’

‘Yes it did. But then I came back…’

‘How long do you think you’ll be away this time?’

‘I can’t answer that. I don’t know. But long enough to give us a chance, not to forget for that would be impossible, but to adjust and move on.’

‘I don’t know how I’ll bear it.’

She turned and faced me, resolution in her stance. ‘Well, Jack Cobb, you’ll just have to try! What we’re doing to each other is agony. I love you so much and to know we can never be husband and wife is a living hell. We both have to make an effort to move on with our lives.’ She took a few deep breaths, her anger subsiding. ‘Please promise me you’ll try?’

‘I can’t see it working but if that’s what you really want then yes, I will try. But you must promise to write regularly. And how will you keep yourself safe? I wouldn’t be able to go on if anything happened to you.’

‘I’ll stay safe and, yes, I’ll write. I’ll be fine. It will probably be only for a year or two. It’ll give us both the breathing space we need and hopefully when I come back, things will be better.’

Chapter Three

Kit

September, 1855

Aunt Joey and Tom were married in a ceremony in the Scots Church on Saturday the 22nd of September. As they had both been recently widowed, they wanted a minimum of fuss and only the immediate family and their closest friends were invited to attend.

However, as Aunt Joey was by far the richest woman in Melbourne and a much loved and admired patron of many of the city’s charitable organisations, her desire for a quiet ceremony was not realistic and the church was filled with many acquaintances as well as reporters from the papers and other curious townsfolk, all eager to witness the city’s latest society wedding. There were also a few who wished to voice or show their disapproval of the union, believing that both Tom and Aunt Joey had ignored the acceptable period of mourning.

The reception out at the Stanford was better, peaceful and uninterrupted. During that afternoon the other five family hotels ran on a skeleton staff as the managers, every one of them a dear friend, attended the celebration as well as all ten children.

Another honoured guest was our much-loved Granmartha who was no blood relation to anybody yet a treasured part of our family. This dear old lady had been Aunt Joey’s first friend in Melbourne back in 1839 and had supported her throughout the scandal of her unmarried pregnancy and across all the years since. She had first become my unofficial grandmother before becoming grandmother to all the others who followed.

At the wedding reception I managed to greet Jack as a loving sister would, kissing him chastely on the cheek. We both hid our true sentiments behind sunny smiles and avoided each other’s eyes. We had spoken further of my planned trip to England and he was no more reconciled. He despaired of our parting while my anguish was tempered ever so slightly by the great adventure that lay ahead.

I had never been to England and the thought of the trip filled me with excitement. Before beginning my work for Aunt Joey in London, I had decided to visit Lutterworth and Bedford, two towns where my ancestors and family had lived. Both my mother and aunt spoke fondly of Bedford.

Jack tried to appear cheerful and at ease in my presence at the wedding and chatted freely about his work as we sat together at one of the tables. He had been out to the Ballaarat area during the past week, taking one of the Cobb and Co. coaches to check on Aunt Joey’s general stores.

While Jack and I were still talking, Aunt Joey beckoned him and he parted from me with another chaste kiss. Fire ran up my arm and my heart hammered at his touch. It was a sharp reminder of why I needed to go away.

Later, as the celebrations were drawing to a close, I saw my half-sister, Emma, request a private audience with our aunt. I could guess what she wished to discuss but thought her timing a little inappropriate.

My aunt confirmed that conversation a few days later when she returned to the city after spending time at the Stanford with her new husband. She hadn’t found it odd that she had taken Jack aside and that Emma also had sought her out on her wedding day. Business always came first with her.

‘Emma has asked to start training at the Luxford, taking your place, Kit. I’m thrilled she’s decided to join us.’

Emma was fifteen. ‘She’s decided to leave school?’

‘Yes. Perhaps eventually she’ll end up running the Dawson for me! Or overseeing the accounts.’

I picked up on the first option. ‘The Dawson?’

Aunt Joey smiled. ‘Yes, the Dawson. I’ve decided to name my latest hotel, which is nearing completion in Bendigo, in honour of my new husband.’

‘That’s a lovely gesture and an excellent name. And I’m pleased too concerning Emma. It makes me feel a little better about deserting you.’

I left on the Donald McKay on the 29th of September. It was only four weeks after my initial talks with Aunt Joey and Jack.

I was mildly surprised that Aunt Joey had been so supportive of my intended trip from the outset. I thought I would have needed to convince her. But she sensed that I had never really settled back into Melbourne and had rightly guessed the cause. She told me that from her own experience with my father, she believed more time away from Jack could only be beneficial. I was also gratified that she was confident in my abilities to purchase the stock she needed and didn’t once mention my age.

Part Two

The Crimean War

1855-1856

Chapter Four

John

Outside Sebastopol in the Crimea

September, 1855

Major Gus Welford sauntered over to where I was hunkered down by a warming fire. The night was closing in and the temperature was dropping rapidly. Summer was a distant memory and the temperature would fall close to freezing tonight.

‘Evening, John.’

I stood up. ‘Good evening, Sir.’

After exchanging salutes, Gus grinned and clapped me on the back. We both