When Time Doesn't Heal: How to Overcome Loss, Grief, Trauma and Ptsd in 30 Minutes or Less

I. How It All Got Started

The When Time Doesn’t Heal Process

Finally there is a major breakthrough in the Loss or Grief Process. Length of time no longer needs to be a factor in the healing process. The Loss or Grief Process may now be handled in less than thirty minutes. The breakthrough process is a combination of handling the various stages of Kubler Ross’ Death and Dying Process, Emile Couer’s affirmations, Bandler’s and Milton Erickson’s Neuro Linguistic Programming, NLP, and Hypnotic language patterns, Fritz Perls’ Gestalt Therapy, an application of Tad James’ Time Line Therapy™, Bill Glasser’s Reality Therapy, Eldon Taylor’s Subliminal Learning Techniques and my own work of Breaking the Threshold Barrier of Rewiring the Nervous System all rolled into a short twenty to thirty minute period. This came about through my previous training and my having to deal with the loss/and death of my own mother and helping other of my family members.

How it all developed. This story very well could be your story. On the evening of August 12, 1996, my aunt called and told me how sick my mother was in Kansas City. I knew she was weak and I had planned to go there in another week. I even had already purchased an airline ticket. My oldest son by the way had visited her the previous month and brought me back a report of her condition, even then, I wasn’t aware of her actual condition. She had been diagnosed with pneumonia, but not hospitalized and was allowed to continue her activities. Big mistake. Easy for me to say now, but at the time my sensory perception of what to do was immobilized.

Then I received the call from my aunt, that my mother was dehydrated. My first reply was to get Gatorade down her. My mother drank a little, but not very much. We discussed that she had a doctor’s appointment for Eleven O’CLOCK the next morning. Early that next morning I talked with my aunt, and we had my mother taken directly to the hospital’s Emergency Room. She was immediately admitted and put in the ACU, Acute Care Unit. I hopped a flight and arrived on Tuesday afternoon. When I arrived she perked up. She was on I V’s and able to drink some liquids. After being at the hospital with her, I went to my mother’s home which was just seven minutes from the hospital. When I went in, it felt dark and lonely. I had never visited my mother’s home without all the excitement of the entire family being there. It was a new and yukkie feeling and experience for me, one that I wish on NO one. It was a feeling of loss and pain, one with too much nostalgia. It was too quiet and peaceful. I plain did not like it. I felt sad and was scared for her.

Everyday after I was there caring for her, at about 5:30 P.M., I returned to the house to go for my daily six mile run. I would run to Loose Park, around the park twice and return home. Staying away from the house was easy. The sheer kinesthetic movement of the run kept my mind occupied. After completing the run and showering, I would then return to the hospital. The afternoon nursing shift would be over and a new crew would be taking over.

The next day, Thursday, I went in and my mother had taken a turn for the worse. She was put on a respirator. Her vital signs as well as her blood count were a disaster. I became even more scared for her. She was moved to the ICU, Intensive Care Unit, in the hospital. Some of the nurses were better, much better than others and so was the individual care given her. Others stunk. That first night in ICU was even more frightful, but the nurse from the ACU was transferred to that ward or unit for that evening. My mother’s platelet count was in bad, real bad shape, down right dangerous. Her vital signs were so bad, I had a talk or consultation with one of the attending physicians and who did not really want to continue the attending of her. She said my mother did not have a chance and she tried to make me feel guilty in my attempting to save my mother’s life. But I was determined to do everything humanly possible to save her. I talked with the lead attending physician and asked him about Linus Pauling’s Vitamin C cure/therapy. I discussed this early on in my dealings with him as the admitting physician. He said, I’ve tried it in the past, but it doesn’t work. The mistake I made was I didn’t press the issue. If I were to do it again, I would be more forceful and assertive in dealing with the physicians.

There was a massive amount of support for my mother. My mother’s pastor visited every day and numerous friends came by the hospital. Some were willing to stay and not go home. My mother was put on a city wide prayer chain. Thousands of people were praying for her and the cards rolled in. Other relatives came to be with her. She was definitely loved, cared for, and well thought of. And during the next three weeks every morning I would check with the morning nurse and find out what my mother’s vital signs were. She was making progress. One of the specialists told me what constituted a good blood count. Her progress was steady. Finally on Wednesday morning, after three weeks of fighting up hill her vital signs and blood count improved as if a miracle. The respiratory specialist said, I am going to take her off the respirator. She has turned the corner. All of her body’s systems were starting to function normally.

The specialist took her off the respirator and ordered her to eat real food including orange juice. The dietician came in. She became concerned, another word for scared, and would not allow my mother to have the orange juice that her body craved and she cried for. The Dietician said, Do not feed her, I want more tests run. I am afraid she might choke on the orange juice. This was on Thursday before the Labor Day Holiday. So that meant no tests and no food except IV’s till Monday or Tuesday, five more days. Her last words besides, I love you were, Orange Juice, Orange Juice. When she was not able to have the orange juice her countenance dropped, changed for the worse. She wanted the OJ to remove the parchedness and the Phlegm build up. But she received no orange juice and her countenance fell. The suction tube that previously removed Phlegm had been removed. Her throat was too beat up and cut up to reinsert the tube. In just a matter of about two hours, her pulse and heart beat escalated to a dangerous level. And another nurse came in. Oh she was so sugary sweet, that she wouldn’t hurt a fly. She loved flies so much that she would probably put honey out for them. Honey is twice as sweet as white cane sugar. The other problem is flies can get stuck in honey and die. She would just love them to death. This head nurse was so sweet she wouldn’t hurt my mother to remove the phlegm buildup. She just wanted her to feel comfortable. During that reversal period I had a bad feeling about that nurse. I thought, Incompetence. But my mother had made it through with other nurses and usually they were there only one night, for every night was musical nurses. The other thing I thought was that if she can make it this one night then Sugary Sweet Nurse will be gone. The only thing I did not want to see or hear would be the giving of morphine to alleviate my mother’s pain of suffering. Guess what, you know it, without my being able to block it, Sugary Sweet Nurse got permission around 4 AM to give my mother morphine. I returned at about 7:30 AM and checked on my mother’s vital signs and blood work. Disaster, everything had reversed to what it was three weeks previous. Morphine is used with dying patients. I was devastated and totally beaten down. They had my phone number. They had my beeper number. They had totally ignored me. I hurt.

There wasn’t much we could do for my mother. We had to totally stand aside. We were helpless compared to the previous three weeks. During lunch the nursing staff liked for us to go to lunch. My mother’s two sisters and I went to a really nice Greek Restaurant around 11:30 AM. As we walked through the door of the restaurant I felt a claustrophobic pressure on me. I did a pattern interrupt using the tools I knew. Each would work for five to fifteen minutes. I got through lunch. And I picked up some naturopathic herbs for my mother. We drove back to the hospital. While we walked from our car in the parking lot to the entrance, that same claustrophobic closed in feeling jumped on me again. I knew something was foreboding. We went to the fourth floor. As we approached, one of the staff members came up and delivered the morbid news. We had just missed her. She was dead.

We went into the room where she was stretched out. She was still blue from where they had tried to revive her. They informed me that this was all going on while I was feeling that sinking feeling at the Greek Restaurant. I could and couldn’t believe it. The rest of the afternoon is now a blur. But I remember the next day I again ran at Loose Park for my own sanity. I was crying all the way, and I knew it was okay to cry. While I was running, all my previous training in grief and NLP work kept running through my head. Somehow it all flowed together. So I repeated the grief stages to myself but making them specific with what was going on, the death of my mother. I repeated, my mother is dead, specifically it was, Mom you are dead and I still love you. Other things I repeated were: I miss you; I am angry; I hurt; I’m pissed at the hospital staff; I’ve done the best I could under the circumstances; I must get on with my life because that is what you (my mother) want. I also did a visualized role play and said good bye to her for the last time and told her all of the previous statements. I was hurting and I thought while I was running, I’ve got to get over this, I’ve seen too many clients who have taken years to get over this. So what I did is what I’d do with one of my clients or parishioner. From this thinking and pain was born the prototype of the current When Time Doesn’t Heal: Overcoming… Grief model. I had no idea how long it would take, I only knew the processes. So I started to apply them, and apply them I did. While I was running, my mind became clear as I resolved each of the grief areas. To my great surprise I came to catharsis. I couldn’t believe it, but there it was a complete Grief Healing Process. With tears in my eyes and heart I thanked my mother for giving this to the world. I knew she would have wanted it that way. I thanked God in a sorrowful way. For yes I do miss her. I have great and fond memories. And I have gotten on with my life. I now share this breakthrough in dealing with stress, trauma, grief, loss and PTSD with you.

During the funeral time and clean up of my mother’s house, I noticed my aunt started lisping. I asked her husband how she was taking the loss. He said, Fine, but I thought differently even though I took his assessment as valid. Two days later while we were cleaning out some of my mother’s cloths and personal belongings, my aunt blew up, she was angry and started yelling, You are going too fast, this just isn’t right. I said, Let’s go upstairs to a private area. So we did. I then took her through the Grief Process, exactly the same way I experienced it. Within twenty minutes she was and continues to be fine. And I thought, This really does work. Two weeks afterwards, my son who was fifteen at the time and had seen his grandmother in the hospital, was having some real difficulty in dealing with her death. He was playing football at the time and he said he couldn’t focus. All he could think about was grandmother dying, so I asked him if I could take him through the Grief Process? And he agreed. Again in almost exactly the same short period of time as my aunt he came to resolution and acceptance. He too is now getting on with his life.

Some might say, Go slow and be gentle. That is okay for some. But I remember Sugary Sweet Nurse bless her soul, I am NOT, and I refuse to be nice to the point of hurting or killing my clients. People need help and they need it in the worst way. Time is of the essence. They have hurt long enough. When there is imminent danger, do we delay? When a process works, it is inappropriate to change it. The good news is, even if you don’t understand the process, it will work any way and you will understand it by the time you complete it.

God has given me a gift of emotional healing I plan to share it uncut, unabridged, not sugared down. To be trite and use a cliché, You are going to get the real McCoy. When you have hurt long enough, been in enough pain, can no longer get along, and are ready to quit, this is for you. There are three ways to get help using this model, one is self help, do it yourself and I’ve included a fill in the blanks protocol, this will work for many people; the second is to share this model with your pastor or therapist and allow him or her to take you through the process because they are experienced; if either of these fail and do not work for you immediately, then the third solution is to come and see me or have your counselor get more training with me. What I desire is that you too get over the trauma associated with your particular loss. I care and have dedicated your healing and catharsis to my mother. She would want it that way. Now let’s get on with your help.

II. When Time Doesn’t Heal: The Model in Simple Terms

Recognize the Problem or Loss: The first step is to identify and acknowledge the problem, loss or death of the loved one. This is completed by confirming the existence of the problem or affirming the loved one’s death by stating such enough times so as to