Human Limits and Common Bonds: Personal and Interpersonal Realities, Illusions, and Myths

AuthorHouse™ LLC

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.authorhouse.com

Phone: 1-800-839-8640

© 2014 Ron Dudick, PhD. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 01/07/2014

ISBN: 978-1-4918-2306-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4918-2307-1 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Chapter 1   Individuality and Uniqueness

Chapter 2   Deeds

Chapter 3   Words

Chapter 4   Unobservables

Chapter 5   Situations and Circumstances

Chapter 6   Predictability

Chapter 7   Societies

Chapter 8   Law and order

Chapter 9   Chaos and tyranny

Chapter 10   Corruption and Collapse

Chapter 11   Technology

Chapter 12   The social sciences

Chapter 13   Normalcy and Deviance

Chapter 14   Beliefs and Theories

Chapter 15   Therapies I

Chapter 16   Therapies II

Appendix 1   Assertiveness Rights

Appendix 2   Basic Communication Skills

Appendix 3   I statements as Process

Dedicated to

Cassandra, Lindsay, and Nana

Acknowledgments

There are many to whom I owe thanks. Among them are family and friends who have put up with my insecurity and irascibility during the lengthy time it took me to write this book. (I’m actually embarrassed to disclose how long it’s been.) Many times I wasn’t sure where I was going with this and how to best put my thoughts into words, but at least they listened to and tolerated me. Their reading this might exonerate me, but who knows, maybe not. I often took consolation in Norman Mailer’s statement that he wasn’t sure what he had to say until he sat down and tried to write it. Amen!

A thank you goes to Laura Campbell for her editorial assistance. She took the time to read and understand my often meandering thoughts and words, and helped me pull them together. Her comments were never criticisms. She was an exception to the belief that when people say they’re only telling you something for your own good, they never have anything good to say.

I also owe a special thanks to my office manager, Debbie Smith. There were many times while writing this when I asked her, Does this make sense? and she’d simply say no! Then I’d ask, What if I put it this way? Again she’d say nope. I’d ask, Well, what if I put it this way? Finally she’d say, Yes, now it makes sense.

I was also encouraged by both Laura and Debbie when they read something I wrote that I thought made sense or was humorous, and they would nod their heads in agreement or genuinely laugh. At least I believed their nods and laughter were genuine. But you’re going to have to decide that for yourself.

A special thanks to all of you.

Introduction

Like all Holmes’s reasoning, the thing seemed simplicity itself when it was once explained.

Arthur Conan Doyle

This is written for both the general public and academics. But if you are looking for a light pop-psych book or heavy academic tome, I suggest you keep browsing the local bookstore shelves or university library stacks. Much of what is written in the following pages is quite likely to go against the grain of some people because it is not filled with enough easy, feel-good abstractions and generalizations, and it may go against the grain of others because it addresses why social scientists are often portrayed as naked Neanderthals and what needs to be done to better clothe them.

As you will discover in the following pages, while life is not always easy and uncomplicated, it need not be as complex and confusing as we often make it. That is because the greatest differences between us are surface, not social and psychological. Too often we glibly toss things off by saying, It’s only a surface difference! But failing to look beneath the surface is what too often makes our lives and relationships unnecessarily complex and confusing.

The first part of this work breaks down human experiences into component parts or, if you prefer a loftier phrase, constituent elements. Chapter 1, Individuality and Uniqueness, discusses the importance of surface differences, but also the major role they play in obscuring the universal human social and psychological common denominators. Better defining those common denominators is a central and recurring theme throughout this work.

Chapter 2, Deeds, discusses the extremely important distinction between personal and interpersonal behaviors. It also addresses personal and interpersonal behavioral limits, which is sure to stir the ire of those who hold the mistaken belief that, "we can do anything if we just set our minds to it."

The following chapter, Words, is about how we use words to better know and understand people, things, and events and abuse them to create far too many myths and illusions about ourselves and others. Included in that chapter is a discussion of the particulars that lay beneath those many abstractions and generalizations we use when discussing, describing, and explaining ourselves and others. Also discussed are synonyms and paraphrases, qualifiers and quantifiers, and how they conspire with abstractions, generalizations, and surface differences to blur our common denominators. And how, in combination, they create and perpetuate many illusions and myths of greater human social and psychological diversity and complexity than truly exist.

Chapter 4, Unobservables, discusses those things that go on inside of us that influence, effect, and determine our words and deeds. Examples of unobservables are emotions, motives, thoughts, perceptions, beliefs, opinions, knowledge, and skills that can only be known about us by our words and deeds. Chapter 5, Situations and Circumstances, discusses their similarities, identities, and limits. It also includes a discussion of actions, reactions, interactions, and the many misconceptions—and often deceptions—about human social and psychological diversity and complexity. Chapter 6, Predictability, is likely to intrigue many and irk others by pointing out how and why we are all far more predictable than we recognize or admit.

The following chapters discuss the many different surface faces and forms of those social and psychological, personal and interpersonal similarities, identities, and limits defined and discussed in the preceding ones. Societies address their similarities and identities, and those individual and collective limits necessary to establish and preserve them. The following four chapters—Law and order, Chaos and Tyranny, Corruption and Collapse, and Technology—address things that are as relevant to our current times and lives as they have been throughout our recorded history. Chapter 12, The Social Sciences, discusses the naked Neanderthals and how to better clothe them. Our frequent failure to rigorously look beneath and beyond surface differences underlies the statement that, All the social sciences seem to do is keep rediscovering the wheel. The following chapter is about Normalcy and Deviance. And like many things in this work, any attempts to define what is normal are also likely to pique the curiosity of many and irk others.

Chapter 14, Beliefs and Theories, discusses the major role they play in influencing our lives and actions for both good and evil. The next chapter, Therapies I, contains other suggestions about how to improve your personal and interpersonal life and relationships. If that’s all you are looking for, I suggest you read that chapter first. However, if you are looking for more, I suggest you read this in its entirety.

A word of caution is in order because many things in the final chapter, Therapies II, are likely to offend the tender, shy, and fragile—especially those who H. L. Mencken labeled the booboisie. But, then, controversy can be good for sales. Another caveat is in order. Because of the central theme of this work is human limits and common bonds, it is rife with redundancies. But as you read the following pages I am sure you will realize the necessity for them.

Chapter 1

Individuality and Uniqueness

An unlearned carpenter of my acquaintance once said in my hearing, ‘There is very little difference between one man and another, but what little there is very important.’ This distinction seems to me to go to the root of the matter.

William James

Being individual, unique and having our very own identity are important to us. In spite of what we might publicly proclaim about beliefs in things like equality and humility, in the seclusion of our private lives and thoughts, we all believe that there is no one quite like me—that no one has tried as I’ve tried, loved as I’ve loved, suffered as I’ve suffered, or even made fools of themselves as I’ve done!" true. However, most of the things that make us individual and unique are surface, not social and psychological. Social refers to personal and interpersonal behaviors and their effects on one another. Psychological refers not only to our words and deeds, but also to the external and internal reasons why we behave as we do.

Surface Differences

Human diversity and complexity are, for the most part, surface variations on similar, identical and often repeated themes and schemes. When we look beneath the surface we discover there are few truly different ways we can act, react, and interact with and toward one another. Because of that, there are not many truly different kinds of social or interpersonal situations. Nor are there very many truly different motives and emotions that go on inside of us that influence how we behave toward and with one another. There are, of course, complex interplays between social and psychological things and events. But there are still similarities, identities, and human limits and common bonds.

Our surface differences are definitely important. Without them, society could not exist. After all, how could any society exist if everyone was a potter or tanner, mason or auto mechanic, computer operator or attorney? It is the diversity of things we personally and interpersonally do that makes societies possible. Adam smith described this as the division of labor in his An Inquiry into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Nations. Yet, as undeniably important as our differences are, too often they obscure our social and psychological similarities, identities, and limits: the universal human common denominators. The universality of things like love and hate, joy and sorrow, selflessness and greed are common denominators that underlie the truth of the saying, The more things change, the more they stay the same and why history repeats itself.

Individuality

It takes no real effort to be an individual. Simply by being ourselves, we are all—undeniably and unavoidably—individuals. Individuality simply means being different and distinct from others. For instance, being male or female makes us individuals, that is, different and distinct from those of the opposite gender. So do our differing weights, heights, ages, colorings, sizes and shapes, talents and skills, likes and dislikes, and tastes and preferences in foods, clothes, furnishings, vocations, and recreations. Everything about us makes us in many, many ways different and distinct from many, many others—that is individuals.

However, being individuals does not make us in all ways unlike all others. Just as there are many others of the same gender as us, so are there are many of the same weight and height, with the same interests and aptitudes, likes and dislikes, even social, religious, political beliefs, opinions, and too often prejudices. With few and rare exceptions, no matter what human qualities and characteristics come to mind, we have them in common with many, many others.

Psychological individuality is also undeniable because it, too, is unavoidable. Consider emotions. If there were only two different emotions that would be sufficient to guarantee our emotional individuality—not because our emotions would be in all ways unlike all others, but because of the different people, things, and events about which we could and would, can and do, feel as we do.

The fact is, if our emotions were as vast and varied as the people, things, and events about which we feel as we do, then things like human understanding and empathy would be impossible. For instance, there are times when we have all been happy or sad, excited or bored, confident or insecure. However, one thing categorically denied here and throughout the following pages is the often widely held belief idea that what we experience when we experience such things is truly different. Or as many often proclaim, such experiences are entirely different because we are male or female, young or old, or of different ethnicities, cultures, nationalities, or religions. But it is not what we feel, what we experience emotionally. It is the different people, things, and events about which we feel as we do when we do that make us individuals.

In spite of those vast, varied, and definitely important differences that guarantee our individuality, it is because we experience similar and often identical emotions that we can empathize with one another and honestly say, I really do understand. Emotions are best labeled as psychological things. However, what about social or interpersonal and behavioral things, for instance, praise and criticism? The people, things, and events we praise and criticize certainly differ greatly. They too make us individuals, but not because we are the only ones who have ever given or gotten praise or criticism. Individuals because of the many different to and from whom, when, where, why, and what is praised or criticized. Still, in spite of such important qualitative differences, the interpersonal behavioral common denominators are still praise and criticism.

Uniqueness

We won’t be deceived by titles such as Indispensable and Unique and Great. Someone else indispensable and unique and great can always be found at a moment’s notice.

Constantine Peter Cavafy

Uniqueness means that there is no other, absolutely no other like it. That is true about all of us because it is also unavoidable. For example, as I sit typing these words on these pages with this cup of coffee beside me, these and many other things make me unique because no one, absolutely no one but me, is doing these very same things with these very same things here and now.

Yet, as I sit here working on this manuscript, I harbor no illusions that my reasons or motives for doing so are unique. There is no doubt in my mind that many others do, have done, and will do many different things for the very same reasons as mine. That is not to claim that we do the many different things we do for all the same reasons. Such a claim would be patent nonsense! But in spite of those differences, our reasons for doing whatever we do are not in all ways unlike all others. To claim otherwise would be as non-sensical as asserting that our pursuit of fame and fortune, acceptance and recognition, sex and affection, or even self-fulfillment are in all ways different because we purse them in so many different ways from so many different others. However, one major and recurrent problem is that because we are all undeniably and unavoidably individual and unique, it too often leads to a misguided and inflated sense of our own personal importance, value, and entitlement.

What about some of the many myths and illusions about individuality and uniqueness? How often are we seduced by manufacturers and advertisers to assert our individuality and uniqueness by purchasing this or that? The product may have been mass-produced in the hundreds, thousands, or even millions. But even if they are identical, there is a ring of truth in such exhortations. After all, not everyone will buy them. So that makes those of us who do individuals. And even though many others might have the identically same thing, only we have ours, so that makes us unique, too.

What about when advertisers claim, It’s the only automobile (refrigerator, store, etc.) of its kind!? Well, in a sense, that could be said about everything and everyone. But manufacturers, retailers, and advertising agencies are counting on our susceptibility to such seductions and deceptions. However, even the desire to pursue and assert our individuality and uniqueness is something we have in common with many, many others.

Human Limits

What about the undoubtedly controversial notion that we are in any way limited? After all, among those myths and illusions shared and cherished by many is the mistaken belief that we can be and do anything if we just set our minds to it. So any talk about human limits is likely to be viewed as blasphemy or even delusional. But the reality is that none of us can personally be, do, know, and have all things. That is true in spite of what many profess and proclaim (advertisers and politicians are among the first that come to my mind), but few of us are immune from deceiving ourselves and others. However, those same qualities and characteristics that make us individual and unique also impose personal and interpersonal limits on us.

For example, being a twenty-first-century male, white (actually, more beige), and North American makes me an individual, but it also limits me. It limits me because it prevents me from truly knowing and experiencing what it is like to be female, nonwhite, or born and raised in another time, place, country, or culture. My choosing to sit here at this time working on this manuscript also limits me, because I cannot at the same time be out playing golf or doing those many other things I could possibly be doing instead. Like you, I know and can do many things. But they are, by far, outnumbered by the things neither of us know anything about and, thus, cannot do. And, in spite of the vastness of our personal individuality and uniqueness, that reality also sets personal and interpersonal limits on all of us.

But the reality of limits can also be liberating. For instance, how often do we find ourselves in situations where we arrive, often mentally and emotionally exhausted, at a point that we ask ourselves the simple and straightforward question, What can I do about it? When we finally arrive at that point, how often do we discover that our personal and interpersonal alternatives are limited? Limited not only by what we personally do and do not know and thus can and cannot do, but also by what we are personally willing and not willing to do.

Unfortunately, too often in both our personal and interpersonal lives and relationships, we needlessly and excessively agonize over things and events when the bottom line is either we can or can’t, or will or won’t do something about them. But that bottom line is blurred by the fact that we can—and too often do—talk endlessly about anything and everything. For instance, how often do we complain, discuss, debate, and argue about things we have no intention of or are incapable of doing anything about except talk, talk, talk? There is an old saying: "After all is said and done, more is said than [can and will be] done." But the reality of personal and interpersonal limits is, at the heart of things, like the Serenity Prayer, which advises us to change the things we can, accept the things we can’t, and have the wisdom to know the difference. That, too, is a universal common denominator.

When we take a 360-degree view of the world around us, and see the vast diversity of the things that others do and say, we often personally pale by comparison. But that is because we often overlook the fact that that 360-degree view is a composite that applies to all of us collectively, but to none of us personally. That too often obscures the fact that in spite of our undeniable individuality and uniqueness, each and every one of us is also limited in vastly different individual and unique, personal and interpersonal ways.

For instance, we might envy others for their appearance, vocation, possessions, talents, knowledge, and skills. But personal limits are true of all of us, including those whom we might envy. I recall someone once saying, We have everything we need, and most of what we want, but then lamenting with a deep sigh, But I guess we can’t have it all. How true! For in spite of being bombarded by the many myths and illusions of manufacturers, advertisers, politicians, and others, none of us can truly be or have it all. But as I have often discovered in my clinical practice, failing to accept that fact is a frequent source of unhappiness.

Choices, Options, and Alternatives

The reality of limits in no way implies that we do not have choices and options. No matter what the situations and circumstances, we always have alternatives. They may not always be to our liking or in our best interests, but we do have them. I am sure that if I wanted to, I could learn how to repair auto transmissions, program computers, and do many other things I currently know nothing about. But I personally have no interest in doing so, so I choose not to. I could do a lot of things instead of sitting here working on this manuscript. But again, my personal choice at this time is not to do them. However, later, who knows? I do not have to earn my living as a psychologist. I could steal cars, sell illegal drugs, rob convenience stores, or do many other things instead. But I am the one who is going to have to suffer the consequences of such deeds, so I choose not to.

Again, we always have options, choices, and alternatives. But we too often abdicate them with a litany of buts. I know I should get out of this abusive relationship, but . . .; I really need to find a more satisfying job, but . . .; I really should tell them what I think, but . . .; I know that I should eat better, exercise more, drink less but . . . That is not to imply that we do not have to consider the possible and probable consequences of our decisions, choices, words, and deeds. In my clinical practice I have encountered many people who say, I want to make things better but don’t intend to change anything." That, too, is their choice. As the Existentialists are fond of pointing out, even choosing not to choose is a choice.

When we look beyond that 360-degree view and our vast individual and unique surface differences, we discover that there are not only personal and interpersonal, individual and collective, social and psychological similarities and identities, but limits, too. Those common denominators make the social sciences possible. But it is also our frequent failure to recognize, acknowledge, and better define those common denominators that underlies the often-heard criticism that the social sciences keep reinventing the wheel. Better defining those similarities, identities, and limits is the heart and soul of this work.

But so far I have only scratched the surface. It is now time to more fully identify and better define the universal personal and interpersonal, individual and collective, social and psychological common denominators that are our human limits and common bonds.

Chapter 2

Deeds

"Every man feels instinctively that all the beautiful sentiments in the world weigh less than a single

lovely action."

James Russell Lowell

Think about the many encounters most of us have with others every day of our lives. Whether business, social, casual, or intimate, most of them involve words more than deeds. That is, in our interpersonal encounters and relationships we mostly talk with, to, or at one another. Of course, words are behaviors, too. And the different people, things, and events about which we speak and write are extremely important. But what I am addressing in this chapter is how we can act, react, and interact besides saying something, or if and when words fail. For failing to make the distinction between personal and interpersonal behaviors, deeds versus mere words is a too frequent source of conflict and confusion, deception and distress in our lives and relationships.

Personal versus Interpersonal

Think about the many different things we do during our lives. The individual acts or deeds we personally perform every day of our lives number in the thousands, probably millions. For instance, think about the many things we do to start our day like getting out of bed, bathing, dressing, preparing and eating breakfast, and getting to work. Our different jobs require that we do a lot of different things, and our personally being able to do them was the reason we were hired in the first place. That is true no matter where or what we do for a living. That is, whether we do things solely for ourselves, or for, to, or with others, they are still personal behaviors, acts, or deeds.

In a restaurant, for example, a waiter takes and serves our order, a cook prepares it, and we are the ones who eat it. In offices, we are expected to take and answer calls and to do paperwork, filing, and billing. In stores, we are served by clerks; when we take our car to the garage or call in a plumber or electrician, we are expecting them to do the work for us. The same is true when we go to an attorney, accountant, medical practitioner, or barber. And what about, "Honey, will you set the table while I finish cooking? Will you watch the kids while I go shopping?"

While many of the things we do may not directly and immediately involve others, many of them do—whether intentionally or unintentionally. For instance, as I sit here by myself, working on this manuscript my doing so has no direct and immediate effect on others. But what if my stereo is blaring and annoying my neighbors? What if I spend so much time working on this that I neglect my other responsibilities? What if I am so obsessed with writing this that it interferes with my clinical practice? These are other matters entirely. Similarly, what if someone, anyone, does or says something, anything, that pleases or displeases, amuses or angers, helps or hinders us—whether intentionally or unintentionally? Besides saying something, or something else, what are our interpersonal behavioral alternatives?

Limits

That our truly different interpersonal behaviors are limited is very easy to prove. For instance, what are our alternatives when someone, anyone makes any request or demand of us? Our alternatives are really quite limited. They are limited to either yes or no. That is, we either can or can’t, will or won’t do as asked or told: now, later, maybe, eventually, or never.

You might protest, Things are rarely that simple. Our alternatives are not limited. There are always other things we could do. And you are, of course, correct. As was pointed out in the previous chapter, with few and rare exceptions, we always have alternatives. Of course,