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    When It's Not as Simple as the Birds and the Bees: Finding Hope While Dealing with Infertility
    When It's Not as Simple as the Birds and the Bees: Finding Hope While Dealing with Infertility
    When It's Not as Simple as the Birds and the Bees: Finding Hope While Dealing with Infertility
    Ebook180 pages2 hours

    When It's Not as Simple as the Birds and the Bees: Finding Hope While Dealing with Infertility

    By Sandhya M. Graves

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    About this ebook

    Sandhya’s life was magical. She married her best friend, Tyler Graves, and a few short months later, their dreams of growing their family became a reality - she was pregnant. Yet, on the very night they were out celebrating the end of their first trimester, Sandhya had to be rushed to the hospital. Amidst the sterile rooms of the emergency room and the unfriendly, cold resident on duty, Sandhya and Ty were told their baby had died. Stunned and shaken, they went home to await the physical and emotional pain and grief that comes with miscarrying a baby. Little did they know, their dreams of having a family would be years away. Their struggle with infertility, in-vitro fertilization, repeated pregnancy loss and serious health issues plagued them for the next several years.

    In this personal memoir, Sandhya shares intimate and heart-wrenching details of fertility procedures and the emotional turmoil that accompanies multiple in-vitro fertilization attempts, miscarriages, and a tragic molar pregnancy that put their dreams of starting a family on hold in order to make sure Sandhya did not have cancer. Speaking candidly, Sandhya, also discusses the grief she personally experienced with multiple pregnancy losses, her husband’s own heartache, and how many people could not understand what they were going through or simply chose to downplay their feelings. In addition, she addresses the all too common feelings of anger, jealousy and longing when seeing these dreams come true for everyone else, yet not for yourself.

    What normally may break apart a relationship, caused Ty and Sandhya to pull together and find a deeper level of love and commitment. Their dreams of having children only grew stronger and their struggles forced them to consider options they never thought they would have to, including; adoption and surrogacy. These options forced them to put other dreams, such as traveling and moving, on hold as they ventured into new territories. Another year passed and their faith wavered, yet they never gave up on their dream. Their continuous strength led them on an amazing journey to find hope and make their dreams a reality.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherAuthorHouse
    Release dateDec 13, 2013
    ISBN9781481761574
    When It's Not as Simple as the Birds and the Bees: Finding Hope While Dealing with Infertility
    Author

    Sandhya M. Graves

    Sandhya M. Graves lives in Indianapolis, Indiana with her husband Tyler and their three children, Wyatt, Nolan and Lily. Trained in journalism and public relations, Graves began writing this book to make sense of the complex emotions and difficult steps involved in what she once thought was as simple as “the birds and the bees.” She quickly learned that falling in love, getting married and having babies was not going to be as easy as it first seemed. This memoir served three main purposes for her: it helped her work through her grief after suffering many miscarriages, allowed her to let others know that they are not alone in their struggles to conceive children, and enabled her to help friends and family understand the emotions and grief that she and her husband were dealing with after each miscarriage. During the therapeutic process of writing about her (constant disappointments) struggle to grow her family, Graves' motivation soon shifted to that of an advocate and supporter of all couples struggling to realize the dream of having children. Despite all their struggles, Sandhya and Ty's love grew stronger, their faith deepened and their blessings multiplied.

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      Book preview

      When It's Not as Simple as the Birds and the Bees - Sandhya M. Graves

      © 2013, 2014 Sandhya M. Graves. All rights reserved.

      No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or

      transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

      Published by AuthorHouse  01/20/2022

      ISBN: 978-1-4817-6156-7 (sc)

      ISBN: 978-1-4817-6155-0 (hc)

      ISBN: 978-1-4817-6157-4 (e)

      Library of Congress Control Number: 2013910374

      Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

      and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

      Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

      Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in

      this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views

      expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the

      views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

      CONTENTS

      Acknowledgements

      Chapter 1   Lost and Angry: April 2010

      Chapter 2   The Beginning of Us: 2008

      Chapter 3   Our Introduction to Fertility Treatments

      Chapter 4   Pregnant—August 2008

      Chapter 5   Our First Miscarriage: The Aftermath

      Chapter 6   I’m Not the Only One

      Chapter 7   Utilizing the Internet

      Chapter 8   Coming Out of the Woodwork

      Chapter 9   Deciding on In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF)

      Chapter 10   The Process

      Chapter 11   The Dreaded Two-Week-Wait

      Chapter 12   Our Second Pregnancy—A Molar Pregnancy

      Chapter 13   Being a Friend: The Rights and Wrongs of What to Say

      Chapter 14   Alternatives—Adoption

      Chapter 15   Keeping it Light

      Chapter 16   Back on the Roller Coaster Ride of IVF

      Chapter 17   A Cry For Help!

      Chapter 18   Recovering

      Chapter 19   Spirituality In Times of Grief

      Chapter 20   The Wear and Tear on Your Husband’s Heart

      Chapter 21   Staying Strong: Moving Forward

      Chapter 22   JEALOUSY: The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side

      Chapter 23   Is There Anybody Out There?

      Chapter 24   A Gift

      Chapter 25   Third Time’s a Charm, Right?

      Chapter 26   A Casual What Are You Doing?

      Chapter 27   Happy Father’s Day

      Chapter 28   Finally, We Cry Tears of Joy

      Chapter 29   Our Boys—December 2012

      Sandhya M. Graves

      TESTIMONIALS FOR THE NOVEL

      OF AUTHOR SANDHYA M. GRAVES

      WHEN IT’S NOT AS SIMPLE AS THE BIRDS AND THE BEES:

      Finding HOPE While Dealing with Infertility

      It is so valuable for the physician to see the inner workings of the fertility/infertility process from the patient’s perspective. One can guess and imagine, but Sandhya Graves’ description lets one know. She does an excellent job of translating a complex process into understandable language for the lay public. Her persistence and perseverance are unrivaled.

      Dr. Marguerite Shepard

      Reproductive Endocrinologist at Indiana University Health

      Graves’ writing draws you in with honesty and immediacy turning readers into friends and confidants. You find yourself rooting for her while feeling her frustrations with infertility. Couples struggling to have children will find this to be a positive resource filled with information on procedures that Graves and her husband undertook. Her words provide much needed insight and guidance for friends and family wondering how best to support loved ones grappling with miscarriages or fertility treatments.

      Shannan Miller

      Writer, Editor

      28111.png

      ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

      For Ty,

      My wonderful husband . . . We made our dreams come true by having

      faith, loving completely and never giving up! Life is so much sweeter

      with you by my side. Thank you for loving me and our family in the

      special way you do. I love you forever.

      For Julie,

      For giving us our greatest miracles, selflessly, gracefully and out of love.

      ~ They will always be Our Boys.

      We love you.

      For Wyatt, Nolan and Lily,

      Each of you beautiful miracles have captured our hearts and enriched

      our lives. Your dad and I would do it all again, if we had to. We are

      blessed to have you, know you and love you. We will never receive any

      greater gifts than you. We love you.

      For my parents, Dr. Omkar and Pramila Markand,

      Thank you for all the support and encouragement you have provided

      me throughout the years. I have always known that regardless of my

      achievements or failures, you both would constantly be there for me

      and love me unconditionally. Because of you, Vaneeta and I have

      learned how to love others, stand up for what we believe in, and reach

      for the stars. You have made it so our family unit can endure anything

      and everything. I love you! Om Shanti Om!

      Both Ty and I would like to thank our parents, Dr. Omkar and Pramila Markand and Marvin and Diana Graves, for standing beside us during the hard times, loving us and doing everything they could possibly do to help make our dreams come true. We’d also like to thank our siblings, Vaneeta (Ramesh) Kumar, Jessica (Todd) Desmond, and Tiffany Graves for their support and love.

      I’d personally like to thank Shannan Miller, my best friend and biggest fan. Thank you for taking the time to read, reread, edit and offer advice throughout this whole process. But more importantly, thank you for always being there for me, listening to me and believing in me. You are one of the best people I know.

      I’d like to acknowledge the wonderful care we received from Dr. Marguerite Shepard, a reproductive endocrinologist at Indiana University Health, and her staff. Thank you for always taking the time to put my health first, answer all my questions honestly, and for never giving up on helping us achieve our dreams. I also appreciate all the time you took in reading this manuscript and helping me edit the medical/technical parts.

      I’d also like to thank the many friends and colleagues who took the time to read this manuscript and offer advice and help with edits, including my mother-in-law, Diana Graves, Rev. Mike Mather, Chad Abbott, Emily Elmore, Lauren Ratzlaff, and Erin Cassidy. All your encouragement and advice was very helpful and greatly appreciated.

      28111.png

      CHAPTER 1

      Lost and Angry: April 2010

      I failed. Again. For the third time. Not on just some random assignment or daily task that I could not complete. No, it was not my to-do list of 20 items for which I only completed five. I failed at the greatest challenge of all. Life.

      Oh, I know that no one would think that it was my fault. I mean, I did everything right and I never complained. Well, maybe I complained a bit, but it was not always easy and sometimes the protocol I had to follow hurt. In all honesty, everything went perfectly until I took over. Once my body was left to its’ own devices without any support from medication, things slowly started to decline. We got the results we wanted and prayed for. However, our happiness was short winded and the good news lasted what felt like the fastest minute in the world.

      The worst of it is that I didn’t just fail myself. I failed my husband, my parents, his parents, siblings, friends, everyone who knows and cares about me. When I got pregnant this time, why did I tell anyone? Perhaps it was the excitement. We felt so lucky. Our families were thanking the gods. It made the disappointment almost too much to bear. The words are almost too hard to say, so instead, others are used, such as It didn’t work, It didn’t last, or We have to try again. All to mean the same thing—We lost the pregnancy for the third time. This time at nine weeks. This time it was twins.

      I must be numb because I seem to be functioning and holding it together somehow. I laughed and when I realized what I had done, I was ashamed. Something must be wrong with me. How can I be laughing after all that has happened? Have I become immune to the tragic loss of my babies? After three failed pregnancies, am I destined to feel nothing, no pain, since I’ve been through it all before?

      Unfortunately, I know that I am not immune from the pain. In fact, this time it stings the most. I cannot make the pain go away. I feel empty inside. Literally. My stomach has already gone down, my cravings are no longer there, I’m not eating every hour or using the bathroom every other minute, and my breasts are not sore. I wish they were still sore. I wish that it was still a struggle to button my pants. I wish I wanted ice cream in the middle of the night. I want to feel bloated and uncomfortable. I want to feel pregnant again.

      Instead, I’m hiding. From whom? Me, mostly. I want to run and find a place where nobody knows me or stay in my pajamas under the covers all day. I can’t decide what would be better. I want to quit my job. I want to talk to no one and I want to talk to everyone. I don’t want to discuss what happened and yet I can’t stop talking about what happened. I crave the sympathy and offerings of help from friends and I despise the sad looks that cross their faces when I tell them. I curse God and I pray to God to help me all in the same breath. I want to keep taking the medication the doctor prescribed and numb myself so that I cannot think or remember. I want an escape from reality.

      But I can’t escape. I remember every detail, every word, and every hope that is now shattered. How can I not when I have dreamed of beginning my life with my soul mate and having his babies, our babies? I have found the love of my life, in my husband Ty, and since the moment I met him 11 years ago, I have dreamed of loving him, making love to him, and creating a new life with him. Since the day we got married 5 years ago, I have imagined surprising him with the good news and watching the transformation of his face. His eyes will light up, his mouth will open in surprise, and slowly the corners of his mouth will turn up into that beautiful smile that is contagious as the realization sets in that soon he will become a father. I have wanted him to watch my body change and, with his hand, softly touch my stomach as it gets round. In my dreams he would lean down and kiss my belly and whisper something soft and sweet only meant for our baby to hear. All these dashed hopes flit around my flat stomach in anxiety and dread, not nervousness and excitement. Like a scene in a bad movie, it replays itself in my head over and over, never letting me forget the details.

      All I know for sure is that today I am lost and angry and I need someone to recognize me. I need someone to see the emptiness in my eyes and to say Come here, let me help you. It’s ok to cry. Or, Go ahead, yell and scream until you cannot scream anymore! I know what I do not need is for everyone to tell me that these things happen or it is probably for the best because something must have been wrong with the babies.

      I need faith in something or someone. I’m grasping and nothing is keeping me from falling apart. I need answers. I need God

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