Animal Pursuits: A Frivolous Frolic Through the Puntastic Province of Animals

© Copyright 2012 Richard J. Atkinson.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written prior permission of the author.

ISBN: 978-1-4669-5830-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4669-5832-6 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4669-5831-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012917270

Trafford rev. 09/18/2012

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Contents

CHAPTER 1

So, It Begins . . .

CHAPTER 2

Lily’s Hens’ Party . . . Sip and Gossip?

CHAPTER 3

The Bucks’ Party . . . It’s Simply Staggering!

CHAPTER 4

Moider? No Kidding—It’s a Jungle Out There . . .

CHAPTER 5

Take Me Back to the Anthills, the Anthills Of . . .

CHAPTER 6

Honey, Beewear the Sting!

CHAPTER 7

Moider? It’s Strictly for the Boids . . .

CHAPTER 8

Bait the Hook! The Fish Are All at Sea?

CHAPTER 9

Farming the Rural Community for Clues

CHAPTER 10

A Trip on the Wild Side . . .

CHAPTER 11

Unleash the Hounds! The Chase Is On . . .

CHAPTER 12 COURT

Where Laws Are Administered to the Law-less, If Caught

CHAPTER 13

Answering Ebony’s Question—Finally!

I dedicate this book to my grandson, Hayden Geoffrey Moss, for inspiring me to target children and young adults in my writing.

CHAPTER 1

So, It Begins . . .

In a large clearing in the heart of a vast wilderness, there stood, in stately splendor, a giant, sturdy, seemingly ageless oak tree. One could even go out on a limb so far as to say that this majestic old monolith seemed to have conquered antiquity. It had been able to withstand the ravages of Father Time and the elements of Mother Nature for centuries in an awesome display of sustained strength. It was a lone sentinel, the only source of protection against these elements for miles around. It was the last citadel for some against the blistering summer heat. It stood like an oasis in an endless desert—a shining beacon for weary travellers. Its broad trunk supported an umbrella of branches and leaves, offering its visitors a short but welcome, respite from the scorching sun, the blustery wind, the pelting rain, or whatever bizarre assortment of climatic conditions that Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, and from her extensive repertoire, might have in store for them at that time.

It played shelter to a weary trio of elephants this day. There was the wise old grandfather elephant, Elmer, who once led the great herd—and with distinction too, one might add. Accompanying him were his two grand calves, Ebony and Eric. Many a time, he had rested against an old tree trunk or propped himself up on a fallen log to relay one of the many yarns that he had stored away in his memory over the years. They played games, told stories, laughed, and generally had fun—things he just didn’t have time for when he was younger. Like all elephants, Elmer had a great memory, and where that was dimming with age, a vivid imagination, which made his stories very exciting for the youngsters. His descriptions were so vivid, in fact, that the young calves could imagine the tale unfolding before their very eyes. However, if it had not been for their curiosity, and the subsequent, persistent questions that inevitably followed, often at the most inappropriate times, he might not have embellished his stories with such vivid detail. This was one of those days. They’d been playing Animal Pursuits—a trivia game, very popular with young animals everywhere, when Ebony’s curiosity got the better of her, and she asked Grandpa Elmer a question.

EBONY Gramps, who created the game Animal Pursuits?

ELMER It’s a long story. As I recollect, it all started when I was a young calf about your age. First, let me put you in the picture about where it really all began, long before our time. Animals have always ruled the earth, you know, but in the beginning, it was man’s domain. The other animals played a secondary role, supporting man in his, shall we say, trivial pursuits. Then, man upset God with his wicked ways.

ERIC What happened? Where did man go?

ELMER It was around the time of the Great Flood. God, in his infinite wisdom, decided to cleanse the earth of evil, and so he unleashed the Great Flood upon the land. Such a deluge! You wouldn’t believe it. He charged his righteous disciple, Noah, and his family to build a Great Ark to house and shelter two of each species to repopulate a new, clean earth, free from the evil that had plagued it at the time—an evil cultivated by man.

EBONY What’s an ark?

ERIC It sounds to me like there are crows in the vicinity.

ELMER I know it sounds like the call of a crow, but it was, in fact, a large wooden boat.

ERIC Why did Noah build the ark?

ELMER So that he could float God’s creatures to safety, of course.

EBONY Did they have any flood cover way back then?

ELMER Of course, Ebony, that’s why Noah built the ark. The Great Flood covered absolutely everything.

EBONY I suppose there were some big insurance payouts after the flood waters receded.

ELMER Not at all, Ebony. The insurance companies wouldn’t pay. They claimed that the Great Flood was basically an act of God. It was itemized in great detail in the fine print.

EBONY That’s all well and good if you read between the lines, I guess.

ELMER When the flooding rains subsided and land reemerged, the animals disembarked.

EBONY What about Noah and his family?

ELMER That’s a good question. Well, let me see (pausing to think). The ark had come to rest, poised precariously, on top of a high peak, Mount Ararat, and as the last of the animals, two elephants in fact, were leaving the ark, the sudden huge shift in weight upset its delicate balance, and the ark began to topple. It rolled end-over-end down the deep ravine into the abyss far below. Needless to say, no one survived. It was a tragedy!

ERIC (smarting) Oooh!

EBONY Was Noah’s boat state-of-the-ark when constructed?

ELMER Indeed it was. You might say it was the top-of-the-range in more ways than one, that is, before it toppled off.

EBONY Oh, Gramps, you’re so clever!

ELMER Yes, the old grey cells are still operating at peak efficiency.

ERIC State-of-the-arc? It sounds like some kind of elite welding company to me.

EBONY Did anyone search for the ark to see if there were any survivors?

ELMER No, the cliff face was too sheer to attempt rescue. It appeared lost forever in the mists of time, never to be seen again. Even the birds were afraid to explore the murky depths of the chasm below.

EBONY Appeared? Does that mean it was eventually found?

ELMER Yes, many years later, the intrepid Indiana Iguana, the famed archaeologist, and a small group of would-be adventurers managed to scale down the sheer cliff face and discovered the ark buried in a cradle of earth, far below. Of course, by that time, only human remains were to be found. Those intrepid adventurers became affectionately known as the Raiders of the Lost Ark.

ERIC Is that the real story?

ELMER No bones about it.

ERIC What happened to the bones?

EBONY It’s just an expression, Eric.

ERIC How did they describe the journey down to the ark?

ELMER They said it was gorgeous.

ERIC (ignoring Ebony) I recall Indiana. Wasn’t he looking for the Holy Grail or some other well-known artifact?

EBONY (sarcastically) That’s strange. I heard that his life was in ruins.

ELMER As a memorial, we built an outlook on the top of Mount Ararat to honor the memory of Noah and his family for saving us all from extinction. Now passersby can pay homage to the memory of our savior.

ERIC Can visitors see much from up there?

ELMER No.

EBONY What is the name of this outlook?

ELMER Noah View.

ERIC What happened then?

ELMER With the demise of man, the remaining animals became the dominant life form. We were next-in-line intelligence-wise, you might say, so we had to step up and fill the void—to take over as caretakers of the earth.

ERIC What choice did we have? We were the only ones left.

ELMER True, and we knew very little of leadership, so it became a burden. Previously, we were subject to the whim of man—most of the time, at least. The leadership issue created much conjecture as to which species of animal should lead us into the future. Battles ensued, but common sense eventually prevailed. The lions took over as kings. There was peace for a time, an uneasy sort of peace, but it was peace nevertheless. It was as though nothing had really been resolved. Laws were constituted, but the question of leadership would rear its ugly head every once in a while.

EBONY Why was the lion chosen as king of the animals?

ELMER No one could best him. All the animals tried, but none could match him.

ERIC What about the crocodile or the grizzly bear?

EBONY What about the sea animals, the shark or the killer whale?

ERIC What about the elephant? Lions always stay clear of big bull elephants.

ELMER None of them were any match for the lion.

ERIC I can’t believe the lion could outfight the great tiger.

ELMER He probably couldn’t, but he didn’t become king because of his fighting ability.

EBONY Well, what could he do better than all the other animals put together?

ELMER He could mate as often as fifty times a day. No other animal could match that. He was the king of beasts.

EBONY The poor lioness! How does she cope?

ERIC Wow! Fifty times a day! No wonder they made him king!

ELMER Each lion has his own harem, you might say—not one lioness to mate with but many, and he had to keep them all satisfied, or they’d leave him and join some other pride.

EBONY (sarcastically) Lions have their pride, you know.

ERIC Wow! I’d like to see that. Fifty times a day! In the next life, I want to come back as a lion.

EBONY Eric, please try to control yourself.

ELMER I’ve heard it said that seeing is believing. So you will have to see for yourself one day.

ERIC Why do they say that seeing is believing? There are many ways of learning about things other than seeing them.

ELMER The eye is a great teacher.

EBONY Is that because it’s the mirror to the soul?

ELMER That too, but it’s mostly because every eye has a pupil.

ERIC (laughing joyously) Boy, you really got her that time, Gramps.

ELMER Yes, but let’s change the subject.

ERIC (aside to himself) Gee whiz! Fifty times a day! That’s awesome!

Suddenly, Elmer’s ears pricked as he heard a distant sound. The calves heard nothing and were surprised when Elmer got up and began to walk away.

ELMER Excuse me for a moment. I’ll be back shortly.

ERIC Where are you going, Gramps?

ELMER (pointing with his trunk) Over there, to the trunk of the great oak tree.

EBONY What for, Gramps?

ELMER I have to make a trunk call.

ERIC A trunk call?

ELMER Trunk-to-trunk, in fact. I won’t be long. It may be urgent.

EBONY (impatiently) How long will you be, Gramps?

ELMER Keep your trunks on! (annoyed) I told you that I wouldn’t be long.

ERIC (to Ebony, after Elmer left) Why did Gramps tell us to keep our trunks on? We couldn’t take them off, even if we wanted to.

EBONY It’s just a saying like, There are no flies on me. It means to be patient.

ERIC Oh!

EBONY (suddenly, as if startled) Eric! You have a fly on your trunk.

ERIC (panicking) Where?

EBONY (laughing uncontrollably) Ha! Ha! All males have a fly in their pants.

Ebony and Eric frolicked about joyously, awaiting the return of their grandfather

ERIC (a little red-faced at being caught out by his sister) Very funny, Ebony. Just zip it!

EBONY (still laughing) Not me. If your fly is undone, you’ll have to zip it yourself.

The young calves frolicked about joyously, laughing, teasing, and playing while they waited patiently for the return of their beloved grandfather. Their hearts were light and carefree with a profound sense of anticipation, as yet another fabulous tale would soon unfold before their very eyes.

ELMER (returning from the oak tree) The trunk call was from your father, Earnest, and your mother, Estella. They were just calling to advise me of the current whereabouts of the herd, and, of course, your mother enquired about the two of you. She sends her love.

EBONY Gramps, why did you retire and let father take over the herd?

ELMER My health has deteriorated over the years.

ERIC We didn’t know you were sick.

EBONY What’s the problem, Gramps?

ELMER Paki-dermatitis. Many animals have told me over the years that I had a great hide but not anymore.

EBONY It sounds ominous. What is it?

ELMER A skin disorder that comes with advanced age. It appears that I’m allergic to many of the plants I come in contact with each day. OK, now where was I? Yes, that’s right. When I first saw your grandmother, I felt the earth move. Our two great herds charged the only water hole for miles around from opposite directions. We could smell the water five kilometers away. It had been a long, dry spell. When I arrived, there was Grandma Ethel in the prime of her youth, bathing in the cool refreshing waters, splashing about with gay abandon, obviously without a care in the world. The sight of a cool pool after a long drought was mouth-watering to say the least. After removing the dust gathered over a dry, arduous journey, and quenching a mountainous thirst, she was kicking up her legs, diving, rolling over, splashing, and spraying her friends with her trunk, which was like a giant, self-loading water pistol. What a sight! She was a vision of loveliness. We had loads of frivolous fun on the mudflats of Mudgee. The mass of two great herds bathing in the refreshing waters, simultaneously, soon had the water cascading over its banks and exploring new dry ground seriously parched by the scorching summer sun. As luck would have it, the water flowed into a low-level dust bowl, which soon resembled a huge mud bath. (Elmer recalls his younger days excitedly) Here’s mud in yer eye! The elders of the herd were more dignified and remained in the cool clear waters. The young calves made their usual mud pies, but for us, we wallowed in it. We even sprayed water onto an adjoining incline to create our own mudslide. Then we would slide down one at a time and invariably land right in the heart of that rich, thick brown goo. The thicker the quagmire, the better we liked it. Dollops of mud flew about in all directions, randomly spraying any other creatures who might have ventured near.

EBONY Gran always maintained that those mud packs did wonders for her complexion.

ELMER I don’t know too much about that, but they were good for keeping the parasites at bay.

ERIC What did the local inhabitants do when they got sprayed with mud?

ELMER It incensed them no end. Some animals simply don’t have a sense of humor. The continual splattering of mud bombs from every conceivable direction made them visibly angry. My middle name was mud, and my reputation was shot. I was branded as nothing more than a mud lark, the biggest one they had ever seen, I imagine.

EBONY They compared you to birds?

ELMER I guess so, but in reply, they became mudslingers themselves but only verbally. After our visit, I think the locals needed mud maps to find their way around. Mind you, we were covered with so much mud that we had trouble recognizing our own reflections in the still surface of the clear waters. When the mud dried on our skin, it was very difficult to get mobile again. We were stiff and awkward for a while. My ears were like mud flaps. Fortunately, it all wore off and had to be replaced every couple of days. Thus, the ritual would start over and over again. Depending on the composition of the local soils in some areas, we occasionally changed color. We were either an earthy brown, or even on some occasions, a ghostly white.

EBONY How did you cope with the resentment of the locals?

ELMER We just muddled through as best we could. However, none of the mud geckos, when we ventured up north, ever bothered us while we bathed in their water holes.

ERIC What are mud geckos?

ELMER Crocodiles.

ERIC When the great herds charged the water holes, I believe they could be heard for miles.

EBONY That’s absurd!

ELMER You could only hear them when there was a stampede to the water hole after a long drought. We have been known to get a bit thirsty during times of drought.

EBONY Where did you take Gran for your honeymoon? Beesville?

ELMER No, we visited the United States.

ERIC Where did you stay?

ELMER We stayed at the Elephant Hotel in Margate, New Jersey.

ERIC Don’t tell us your love story all over again, Gramps. You’ve told us all about it so many times over the years.

EBONY Yes, we’ve heard it over and over again, how you and Granny embraced, forming a heart-shape with your trunks. It’s so romantic, but, as Eric said, we’ve heard it all before.

ELMER We elephants have always been affectionate and protective of each other.

ERIC I’ve always wondered, why do they call us elephants?

ELMER It is because of our size. Elephant means visible from afar.

ERIC We were discussing the origins of the game Animal Pursuits.

ELMER Oh, sorry! (pausing to recollect his thoughts) It all started a long time ago.

ERIC This isn’t one of those once-upon-a-time stories, is it?

ELMER Not at all, Eric. This is a true story. I might contrive some of the missing details so that it all makes sense, but you’ll soon get the gist of it. To the best of my knowledge, it is, for the most part, as true as I can recall.

EBONY (aside to Eric) In other words, Gramps will embellish it a little so we can enjoy it all the more.

ELMER Many years ago, there was a frog named Fungus, and he was preparing to tie the knot with a very shy lizard named Lily.

ERIC Is this a story about ropes?

EBONY No, silly! It means they’re going to get married.

ERIC Oh! Go on, Gramps.

ELMER Thank you, Eric. However, it’ll take a long time if you two keep interrupting me. Now, where was I?

EBONY Fungus and Lily were about to tie the knot.

ELMER That’s right. As is the case on all these occasions, the male begins with a bucks’ party, and the female, a hens’ party.

ERIC The male has a party with a lot of bucks, and the female joins a chicken coop?

EBONY No, they call it a bucks’ party because the tradition was started by a few bucks, and then the hens thought it was such a good idea that they copied it for the female of the species—that is to be fair to both parties, of course.

ELMER (unwilling to get into a philosophical discussion that would digress from the story) Something of that sort, I guess. All of Fungus’s male friends gathered to celebrate with him and congratulate him on his forthcoming nuptials.

ERIC Fungus got all the mail?

EBONY Be quiet, Eric! Male, m-a-l-e, like you, Ivory Tusks!

ERIC (Eric is immensely proud of the two small tusks beginning to emerge from either side of his trunk) Jealousy’s a curse! (pausing to think for a second) Fungus, you’ve got male. Ha! Ha!

EBONY (sarcastically) Very funny, Eric!

ELMER Ebony and Ivory, come together in perfect harmony, please! Sorry, I mean Eric, not Ivory.

EBONY Don’t worry, Gramps. It’s as true as black and white. That’s his nickname all right. Even Mum and Dad call him that.

ELMER (sighing but continuing, regardless) So I’ve heard.

CHAPTER 2

Lily’s Hens’ Party . . . Sip and Gossip?

ELMER Many of Lily’s friends were gathered at her hens’ party to celebrate her forthcoming nuptials. These friends include Mavis Magpie, Henrietta Hen, Nellie Nag, Doesie Doe, Desley Duck, Cleo Cat, Doris Dog, Elsie Ewe, and Germayne Goat. They are spread throughout Lily’s pad in small groups, drinking, eating, gossiping, and laughing away the wee hours of the morning in frivolous gaiety. Lily’s pad consists of a small dirt clearing surrounded on three sides by rocky outcrops. These rocky outcrops camouflage several small caves, and a series of linked tunnels that Lily can retreat into quickly, if anxious or frightened. In the center of this clearing, she has placed a small tablecloth to prevent the hors d’oeuvres and various liquid refreshments from being soiled by the loose earth beneath their feet. Lily’s friends are sitting around the enclosure in small groups, actively engaged in their usual everyday activity, commonly referred to as idle gossip.

Mavis Magpie is immaculately dressed, as always, in black-and-white formal attire, in much the same way that penguins do on such auspicious occasions. It is a velvety black feathery outfit with a white collar at the back of the neck and laced scallops of white chiffon on each wing for additional decorative effect.

EBONY How does she maintain such an immaculate look?

ELMER She literally preens herself for hours each day to keep her one and only outfit in such pristine condition. Mavis prances around with her chest puffed out boldly—a rare breed indeed. Her proud aristocratic air and dulcet tones reflect her aloof, stuck-up nature. Her magpie mirth is often directed at the plight or misfortune of others, particularly her friends, whenever they aren’t around to defend themselves, of course. She is atwitter with gossip and loves to talk about them unmercifully behind their backs. She often makes fun at their expense. She is a renowned busybody, a sticky beak. She is always sticking her sharp pointy beak, which closely matches her sharp scathing tongue, in where it isn’t wanted—meddling in the private affairs of others.

ERIC How did she get such a sticky beak?

ELMER Once she poked it unceremoniously into a busy little beehive looking for a taste of honey. It has been sticky ever since. In reality, she is as common as mud. She puts on fine airs to hide her rather humiliating, humdrum heritage. If, however, she is on the receiving end of the wagging tongues, she quickly gets her feathers all ruffled up and storms off, muttering angrily to herself about the outrageous treatment that she has received. Elsie Ewe is all decked out in a fluffy white woolly overcoat, fleecy-lined for added warmth against the chilly winter westerlies. She is a ditsy blonde who has seen the light of better days. In her youth, she turned many an eye, that ewe. She is very much a domestic ewe now, doting dutifully on her flock of family and friends. Doesie Doe is a sweet, pretty young doe who flitters about with gay abandon, desperately wanting to be the life of the party. She tries to relate humorous little anecdotes, but they inevitably fall flat. Nellie Nag, as her name suggests, nervous Nellie, is always nagging or whinnying about something. She was a fancy filly in her youth, but age, and now motherhood, has widened her girth and dispelled her mirth. Doris is a lovely, caring, carefree old dog. She has stars in her eyes and wears rose-colored glasses but probably not as much as when she was in her prime. Now a decaying relationship with Dennis has hardened her and made her rather bitchy at times. Cleopatra Cat, mostly referred to as Cleo, is a young, sophisticated feline, always immaculately dressed. She is slim, slinky, and flirty. She puts on airs for her companions and craves their direct and undivided attention. If she doesn’t get it, she becomes quite agitated and annoyed and tends to rub them up the wrong way. She is frequently seen in the best of circles, completely distancing herself from the common everyday crowd. Desley Duck is your common, everyday, run-of-the-mill duck, although quite ditzy most of the time. She has a bad habit of ducking in and out of conversations, always in a flap of some kind, it seems. Henrietta Hen is a rather flustered, broody old hen whose face bears the scars of a life of hardship and toil. She never seems happy and rarely smiles. Germayne Goat is level-headed and completely devoted to her family. She is always there with a comforting word when needed. She has a tendency to butt in, but only with the best of intentions. All in all, they are a rather unusual mix.

ERIC What about Lily?

ELMER Oh yes, I had forgotten about Lily. Lily Lizard is a shy, somewhat reserved lizard who keeps mostly to herself—a real loner. That probably explains her choice of friends—all extroverts. They probably made her acquaintance rather than the other way around.

EBONY How come she’s tying the knot then?

ELMER Being a loner can be a very lonely life, Ebony. (After a slight pause, Elmer opens a small piece of paper with his trunk and continues on with his story.) As the tale unfolds, Mavis is chatting quietly with Elsie.

ERIC What are you doing?

ELMER Unfolding the story.

EBONY You’re so funny, Gramps. Ha! Ha!

ERIC What did they do for entertainment?

ELMER They hired Gilbert Gecko and his incomparable band of resound—the Echoes. His melodic clicking reverberates through the room, providing ideal mood music. One gecko starts, and before he has finished, the next one begins and so on—all different, each one octave lower in pitch than his predecessor. The place is really clicking.

*     *     *

MAVIS (impatiently urging Elsie along) Come along, Elsie. Stop straggling.

ELSIE (catching up slowly) I’ll be there in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.

MAVIS (to herself) Anyone would think you were trying to make a ewe turn at a busy intersection. (to Elsie) How’s your little flock going, Elsie? (thinking to herself, as she says it) She puts great stock in her little flock, but they require around-the-clock supervision. I’d soon do my block if they were mine.

ELSIE I’ve lost count of my little lambs again.

MAVIS You mean to say you don’t know how many lambs you have?

ELSIE That’s right. It’s bedlamb trying to count them. I’ve tried, numerous times, but it’s like counting sheep—I keep nodding off all the time. When I wake up, they’ve moved, so I have to start all over again.

MAVIS (to herself) Are you sure you’re not just playing possum, Dearie? (to Elsie) Oh yes, it seems that you don’t bed the lambs, but the lambs bed ewe. Knit one, purl one—when you lose a stitch, it’s so hard to pick it up again. Those persistent little woolly jumpers—they just keep moving about.

ELSIE It gets so baa-d, I can’t stop thinking about it, and before you know it . . . (yawning, then dozing off yet again) zzzzzzzzz!

MAVIS Elsie, wake up. (changing the subject to stop Elsie from nodding off again) How’s your uncle, Jolly Jumbuck? What does he do for his jollies, these days?

ELSIE (still yawning as she speaks) He’s a real swag. He spends most of his time down by the billabong.

MAVIS Isn’t it a bit hot down there?

ELSIE Yeah, he spends most of his time in the shade of a coolibah tree.

MAVIS Reminds me of an old joke, Have you seen a jum buck?

ELSIE Let’s not start that. I’ve heard it a thousand times.

MAVIS What’s he do then?

ELSIE He wanders around looking for strays and directs them back to the flock.

MAVIS So he’s not just a woolly jumper, then?

ELSIE Surely, you’ve seen the Silence of the Lambs. He’s just making sure it doesn’t happen again.

*     *     *

ELMER Lambs are always straying and getting into mischief. They’re forever looking to explore new places—places where they should never roam, far away from home.

*     *     *

ELSIE They’re as innocent as lambs, but they’re ever so easily led. It’s like taking lambs to a slaughter—

there’s many a wolf in sheep’s clothing out there trying to take advantage of their innocence. Now, we just happily welcome them back into the fold.

*     *     *

ERIC Gramps, why are you folding that piece of paper again?

ELMER To welcome them back to the fold, of course.

EBONY (giggling) Gramps, you never cease to amaze me.

*     *     *

MAVIS My cousin, Matilda, you know, the one who’s always waltzing about. She lives by the very same billabong. She said that there are many ghostly noises at night coming from that billabong. It’s creepy!

ELSIE Really? I’ll have to ask Uncle Jolly about it.

MAVIS By the way, what’s that you’re eating?

ELSIE Sheep dip, what else? It certainly beats anything that the baa-beque has to offer.

MAVIS What’s that you’re dipping into it?

ELSIE A dipstick, of course.

MAVIS What are you drinking? Is it a lambanog?

ELSIE No, it’s Lambrusco, a fine Italian wine.

MAVIS Do you always drink from a jug?

ELSIE It’s not a jug. It’s a ewer.

MAVIS I thought Geek Geep was coming with you today.

*     *     *

ERIC What’s a geep?

ELMER A cross-breed between a sheep and a goat.

ERIC It must make it difficult to separate the sheep from the goat.

ELMER Very good, Eric.

*     *     *

ELSIE She couldn’t make it. Just like her friend Dizzy Dzo, she’s also a social outcast at school. The kids are always calling her names, and it visibly upsets her.

MAVIS What do they say?

ELSIE Geek’s a geek.

*     *     *

EBONY What’s a dzo then?

ELMER Another mixed breed, the mating of a yak with a cow.

EBONY Gramps, do you know any yaks?

ELMER Only Yakkity Yak, and you wouldn’t want to know her.

ERIC Why not?

ELMER She never stops talking. You can’t get a word in. It’s a one-sided conversation.

ERIC Do we cross-breed with any other species?

EBONY Of course not!

ELMER There was one occasion—with a rhino, I believe.

ERIC What did they call it?

ELMER An elephino, I think.

EBONY Two tusks, a trunk, and a horn to boot. It must have been awesome.

ERIC It sounds like some kind of Texas limousine, made for the wide-open spaces.

ELMER No, I’m pretty sure it was born dead.

ERIC Well, what would you call the male offspring if a kangaroo were to mate successfully with a chook?

EBONY A chicken on the hop?

ERIC No, a kangarooster.

EBONY Did you know that chooks were part owl?

ERIC No.

EBONY O-w-l is a part of fowl, f-o-w-l.

ERIC That would make a wasp part snake.

EBONY All right then, what would you call the offspring if a snake were to successfully mate with a panda?

ERIC I don’t know, but I wouldn’t like to step on it.

EBONY You’d call it a taipanda.

*     *     *

MAVIS Have you heard? Doesie Doe is on a staple diet in an effort to lose some weight.

*     *     *

ERIC Staple diet? Who’d want to eat staples?

EBONY They should staple your mouth shut.

*     *     *

ELSIE The galloping gourmet? Fat chance! So what’s she taking to remove this excess weight?

MAVIS The latest dip—they say it peels off the outer layers in no time at all.

ELSIE Sounds great. What’s it called?

MAVIS They call it the skinny dip, and she’s only allowed one per day.

ELSIE What a dipstick! Diet, no less. Doesie might die yet if she keeps dieting all the time.

MAVIS Doesie has become very uppity since she stopped padding out her figure. She thinks she’s somebody now.

ELSIE Less of a stuffed skirt, eh?

MAVIS More, if you ask me. (changing a topic that is becoming very distasteful to her) Whatever happened to Stefan?

ELSIE We never talk about him. He’s the black sheep of the family. Rumor has it that he’s become a radical, grown an afro, and gone off to live in a commune.

MAVIS Does that make him a communist?

ELSIE Some animals thought he had red affiliations, but I assured them he was black, not red!

MAVIS What’s an affiliation?

ELSIE I don’t know, but I was sure he didn’t have any.

MAVIS He always was a strange one, straying away from the flock at an early age.

ELSIE You might say that we’re close-knit, but I believe it all stems from playing follow the leader as a small lamb. It has become a way of life. We’re born followers, you know.

MAVIS You have always been a close-knit, ewe-nited unit.

ELSIE What’s a close-knit ewe knit? Is it some new kind of stitch?

MAVIS Close-knit group, you ditzy blonde! What is it that you’re making at the moment?

ELSIE Oh this? It’s just a ewe-neck sweater.

MAVIS Have you seen Stefan since he left for the commune?

Stefan, the black sheep of the family

ELSIE Only once. He’s been on the lam ever since he was black-listed. He came by, but he was so puffed up with his new look that he didn’t fit through the gate. I’ve seen him a lot lately on TV doing those baa-ber commercials. He is so proud of that afro. He’d stand on the busiest corner and display it proudly for the whole world to see. Each passerby would say, Merino? He would raise his hoof, stroke it gently with a debonair flair all his own, and reply emphatically, Yeah! Merino! That was Stephan for you. It got so baa-d that some of the flock developed afrophobia.

MAVIS Does he still have the afro?

ELSIE Yes, it gives him such sway with the young ewes that he treats it like some kind of afro-disiac. He couldn’t pull the wool over my eyes, though. I can’t stand a baa-r of him, you know.

MAVIS Wow! He must be carrying a bit of excess wool then. It’s baa-berous! Just how does he manage to squeeze through a door with that mop of his?

ELSIE Three bags full would be a fair estimate, I believe. The baaber’s been trying to clip him for years. All the ewes tease him saying, My, what a big fleece you have! However, he’d get his own back. All the better to keep you warm, my dear was his usual response in a deep wolf-like voice. He’s such a scoundrel, but he suffered a lot of racial bias as a young lamb. I think his problems started when he took up with his Greek cousin Lambda Lamb from the Lambda fraternity at university. He led Stefan astray. It was only a matter of time before he rebelled and changed his appearance. Unfortunately, when he was young, he had a bit of an eye for the young ewes. Whenever they strolled by, he’d take a little bo-peep at them over the baa-ck fence. They teased him incessantly, "Blaah, blaah, black sheep, he’s a big bad wolf."

MAVIS How does Stephan manage to get around so far and wide?

ELSIE Well, I think he’s finally purchased the Lamborghini he always wanted.

MAVIS (bored with the conversation) Anyway, what’s wool worth in today’s market?

ELSIE A lot less at the supermarket, that’s for sure. Nothing’s cheap these days.

MAVIS (to herself) Baby chicks cheep, don’t they? (to Elsie) What they charge for wool today is skein-ous, but it’s hardly a sheep station, you know. It’s just Woolies. (pausing, then continuing) Your mate, Shawn—how’s he, by the way?

ELSIE There’s been a chill in the air since he was fleeced last week.

MAVIS Shawn?

ELSIE Yes, you might say that.

MAVIS Who did it, do you know?

ELSIE I suspect it was Jason Jackal—the baabarian! He always had a thing about Shawn’s Golden Fleece, as he puts it. He believes it has some kind of magical power for curing sick animals. He deserved a sock in the kisser, if you ask me.

MAVIS Did they sneak up behind him?

ELSIE You might say that. He was rambushed.

MAVIS Well, I’ll be darned, or should I say, he’ll be darned.

ELSIE However, Shep heard that a polecat did it.

MAVIS Who’s Shep?

ELSIE Shep is the sheep dog who guards our flock at night. He was once a German shepherd, but now he lives in Animalasia. He herds the sheep and comes to the rescue if he hears any of us bleating for help.

MAVIS Don’t bleat on so! Whoever fleeced Shawn probably just wanted to keep warm during the winter.

ELSIE Well, I’m an icy ewe now that I have no Shawn to keep me warm.

MAVIS I see you too.

ELSIE I’m not wool-blind, you know. You can’t pull the wool over my eyes. I don’t believe in spinning yarns like that. It’s downright skein-full! I tell you, it’s enough to make a ewe turn. He was fleeced. There’s no doubt about it. Shawn had a woolen overcoat that would make anyone jealous. It will take time, but he will get back to his old self yet again.

MAVIS When you were younger, I’m sure Ramsay Ram had a bit of a soft spot for you, especially when you flickered those sheep’s eyes of yours at him. That is, before you met Shawn, of course.

ELSIE (smiling sheepishly, trying to disguise her flushing complexion) Old Rambo? He was too much of a scrapper for me. No one could match it with Rambo in a fight. He even got the better of Sylvester, the Italian Stallion, I believe. He was the ultimate battering ram. He practiced all day butting dams. He was always on the rampage. I never knew anyone who could cram more into a day than Rambo.

MAVIS Hot damn! On the rampage, was he? Did he do any damage with those horns of his?

ELSIE All dams age, but who gives a damn. Rams fight with their feet, not their horns.

MAVIS Ju-jitzu?

ELSIE No, not me. I don’t dance at all. (after a slight pause) He even took up fasting during Ram-a-dam. Now he’s into RAMS home loans in the town of Ramsgate. It’s big business, they say. He’s such a great seller. When he found a prospective customer, he would ram home another sale.

MAVIS Where did Ramsay come from?

ELSIE Woolloomooloo.

MAVIS What about his companion, Roger?

ELSIE I don’t see much of him. Roger Ram, jet-setting all over the world—he was known to sell wonder pills.

MAVIS They say Roger is jolly just like your uncle.

ELSIE He’s more of a pirate the way he charges.

MAVIS You’ve got that sheepish grin again, very ovine. So tell me what made you choose Shawn over Ramsay?

*     *     *

EBONY I know feline refers to cats and canine refers to dogs, but what does ovine refer to?

ELMER Ovine refers to sheep, just like bovine refers to beef.

ERIC Well then, Gramps, what does divine refer to?

ELMER (jocularly) That’s obvious, Eric. Elephants, of course.

*     *     *

ELSIE Shawn was a dyed-in-the-wool romantic. He was all wool and a yard wide.

MAVIS I suppose he made sheep’s eyes at you all the time.

ELSIE Yes, and he’d sing to me too, "There’ll never be another ewe." It was so sweet.

MAVIS He must have adored you.

ELSIE No one makes a door out of this ewe, that’s for sure.

MAVIS He may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

ELSIE As you know, old Rambo tended to ramble on a bit. It was a family trait passed down through generations. His ancestors were Egyptian, you know. Don’t you recall Pharoah Rameses II? It’s become one ram-raid after another with him.

MAVIS Were there any ramifications from the decision you made?

ELSIE No, Shawn became the ramrod of our flock. It’s a very responsible position. He’s ever so dependable.

MAVIS Was Shawn a music guru when you met him?

ELSIE No, not like your sister Molly. She was more mel’drum-atic than Shawn.

MAVIS Was there ever another ewe?

ELSIE Only when I look at my reflection in the still waters of the lake.

MAVIS What kind of lake is that?

ELSIE A mirror lake, what else? I just look in it and say, Is that ewe?

MAVIS Statue? What statue?

ELSIE (ignoring Mavis and her dismal attempt at humor) My sister, Eileen . . .

MAVIS (interrupting) I lean too, sometimes—(giggling) especially after I’ve had too much to drink. What’s that you’re eating now?

ELSIE Ice cream sundae.

MAVIS (on the verge of bursting into uncontrollable hysterics) I scream any day, not just Sunday.

ELSIE (totally bemused and noticing that Mavis is carrying a distinct limp) Sore foot? Was it a scuffle with a small snake, or did you bite off more than you could chew, eh?

MAVIS At least, I’m not pigeon-toed like Penelope.

ELSIE Penelope who? (thinking to herself) What a wag Mavis is! She’s the biggest chatterbox around. (to Mavis) Pigeon-toed, pie-eyed, it’s all pie in the sky to me.

MAVIS (chuckling again) Penelope Pigeon, of course. She’s had the affliction since birth. Her mother didn’t suffer from it, but she was a carrier.

ELSIE A carrier pigeon, eh?

MAVIS Yes, she worked for the postal service, air mail division. In fact, she was ingenious—the first pigeon to think of using the pigeon-hole as a means of housing delivered mail.

ELSIE (in philosophical reflection) Mavis, we all have to learn to accept the fact that some days you’re the pigeon and some days the statue. (resignedly, to herself) There’s no talking with Mavis when she’s like this. She gets a bit seedy when she’s had one too many beers. I don’t think her brew strainer removed sufficient seeds on this occasion.

MAVIS Here comes Doesie Doe. She’s become a bit of a high stepper.

ELSIE A high stepper?

MAVIS Yes, she’s a dancer. They say she doesn’t know who her mother was. Her birth certificate just lists her mother as Jane Doe—doe of unknown origin. I remember when we were young, there was Doe, Ray and me. We shortened her name to Doe. We always thought she’d make big dough on the stage. We were in the music scene together, the Sound of Music, we called it.

ELSIE Who’s Ray?

MAVIS Ray von Raven. He was our guru, but he tended to rave on a bit.

ELSIE We were all ragers in those days.

MAVIS Did you ever listen to Constance Cow and that infernal yodeling of hers?

ELSIE Moo-oo-dling would be more like it. She liked to refer to it as moo-sic, but it always made me want to bleat.

MAVIS It was moosic to me. After the mooing, I invariably felt sick.

ELSIE They say it’s just animal nature, doing what comes naturally.

MAVIS Speaking of music, I believe you were