High, Low. Cry, Know

INTRODUCTION

I have been on a journey these past few years. There is no denying it to myself. Yes, there are times I fall into the way of the mind and ego, replaying old dense limiting beliefs and energies which no longer serve me and my goal of ascending into the higher spiritual realms. I dwelt so much on old energies of lack and despair, of untruth, of hurt, and of vengeance that at one time, they were all I knew and all I believed existed.

And I was wrong. Ever so slowly and gently, the light has been doing its thing, working on me with love and acceptance, guiding me with a loving hand towards the ultimate truth which is that love is the only reality, the true reality.

Since I first walked onto my yoga mat, and through all the many rich and wonderful friendships I have been incredibly fortunate to have, I am constantly being guided towards a better way, an easier way of living my life. Slowly but surely, one by one, I have been shedding anything and everything that doesn’t best serve my soul, my true and real expression of who I really am. I am not this body. I am not my thoughts. I am not all of those limiting beliefs. I am a free spirit, for I am of spirit.

Don’t get me wrong; I am still battling daily my demons, my insecurities, my shortcomings. Some days are better than others are. Some days I feel so much light in my being that I sincerely feel I am going to explode. On others, I am in a funk of regret and despair. But I am learning all the time to cope better with this vehicle of a human body and all the many, many differing experiences it bestows on me continually.

I am no different to you. I am you. You are me. We are all one – there is no separation. We are all just consciousness subjectively experiencing physicality, and we are all learning and growing and expanding constantly, whether we realize this or not. We are.

This book is for anyone who might find themselves in a similar situation to that I was once in; lost, confused and totally unsure of myself. I have tried my very best to be real and speak the truth of what was happening to me and going on in my head at that time. It was truly a bleak and difficult time for me. I am not in any way abdicating responsibility for what happened or the part I had to play in any of it.

I am being 100% honest even to the extent of painting myself in a poor light at times. Because in order to tell this tale properly I had to disclose just how bad things were for me at one point and it was pretty depressing. And in doing this, in being truthful about all of it I hope to get the realisation out to others that you can change your life and your circumstances no matter how bleak they may appear to be. I am not suggesting it doesn’t require work and effort nor am I suggesting it won’t take some time but it can be done.

This book was motivated out of a powerful force within me to hopefully assist others who may be experiencing difficulty in their lives. I no longer feel the way I at one time did, I have moved on and I am now in a great place and life excites me again. I hope this tale written with blunt honesty will assist and inspire those who wish to change their lives.

There are things I have disclosed here that very few people actually know about. There are things I just had to tell in order to accurately reflect the turmoil of my headspace at that time. I want to state categorically right here and now I am past all of this. I have grown beyond all of it and I have left this all behind me. I choose not to see a victim but a survivor. I choose not to be anger but transcendence. I am consciousness experiencing physicality for the benefit of my souls evolution and growth and I try my best to continually live in the here and now not the past. My past is just a story I no longer resonate with. I have left it behind and it doesn’t reflect who I am now. I choose to no longer allow these stories to define me. And they don’t. You can be whoever you choose to be. I choose to be the real authentic me.

I hope you enjoy my book. I hope you appreciate the level of honestly I have tried my very best to live up to when writing this.

I wish everybody nothing but the greatest happiness and joy and peace.

Be well. Stay positive. Be true to yourself. Gratitude and attitude will take you anywhere you wish to go in this life. It’s all about vibration!

Neal.

1

DOWN IN A HOLE

I entered the reception area and tapped on the transparent window, letting the busy-looking receptionist know I was there. I didn’t want to be there, but I needed to be there.

I exchanged pleasantries, paid the fee, and slumped down into the comfortable leather chair. I gazed down at the gathering of medical magazines with no interest in any of them but picked one up anyway. Thumbing through the pages, I might as well have been looking into a ditch. It wasn’t that I didn’t understand the info – far from it – but I was totally preoccupied with more pressing concerns, like what we were going to talk about today. What the hell was I going to say this time?

It had been like this since my very first visit. To say I was unsure of myself would be putting it lightly. I flung the magazine back down on the table and ran my hands through my gelled hair. This was no act of vanity but one of unease.

Upon noticing the person who was the reason for my visit walking down the hall smiling at me, I immediately sat up in the chair. I didn’t know what I was going to come out with today, for I was truly an exhausted soul. I feigned a smile back and wondered what the fuck I was doing here and how it had all come to this.

Hi, Jack. How are you? she said. Come on in.

Hey, Deirdre. How’s yourself?

I stood up with feelings of both embarrassment and trepidation swelling in my stomach.

Deirdre stood at the green door to her private study, and I walked by her. A nervous smile was on my face, for despite numerous visits here already, this talking lark didn’t come easily to me, especially talking about feelings, emotions, and all the confusion that had pounded at my brain constantly for what seemed the longest time. I am an Irishman you see, and generations before me had long proved this point.

I went over and sat down in the now all-too-familiar chair. She shut the door behind her, and I knew that for the next sixty minutes, things would be weird.

So how’s things? she asked matter-of-factly. How are you?

Ah, I’m all right, I guess. I thought, If only she knew.

You still using coke? she enquired, always smiling.

Deirdre was a good and kind soul. I genuinely liked her a lot. She was friendly and warm, and I really needed this time and space after everything that had happened. After witnessing the plummet into despair and hopelessness that my life had become, there was no choice now but to deal with the mess I had become. That’s why I was there.

No, I lied, I’m not. I couldn’t tell her the truth. I didn’t want to disappoint her. Didn’t want to get into that today. I still needed my crutch, for it was all I seemed to possess in the world in those days. Close friends had long since deserted me, on top of losing her – the one good thing, the only thing of real worth it seemed I had in life.

Good, she replied.

I didn’t know whether she believed me or not. Perhaps she didn’t, but she never let it show.

Are you getting exercise? she enquired further.

Yeah, I’m running like a demon. Six days last week, an hour each day.

Excellent, she said. So what’s new? What’s been happening since we last spoke?

Ah, not a whole lot, to be honest. The usual.

Deirdre knew well the familiar pattern I had engaged in from week to week.

You been sleeping? she asked.

Some.

Writing?

Nah, nothing.

OK. She never stopped smiling. In fairness, her friendly smile always brought me great comfort. It helped me dissolve the discomfort I felt on being there in the first place. I knew I needed to be there, but I didn’t want to be. Yet I knew I couldn’t continue on the self-destructive path I’d been on for so long. I’d grown tired of what I’d become. I wondered where I’d end up if I didn’t regain some semblance of control over my life.

So talk to me. What’s on your mind?

You know, every time I come here, from the moment I get up in the morning, I wonder what I will say to you, I said. I get into the car and drive to work and think about it. When I depart the office, I think with better concentration, my thoughts rarely changing to anything else. The drive to the hospital, the walk from the car park to reception, the wait in the leather chair outside… While I sit in that chair and wait, I wonder what I want to talk about. I always wonder that. It’s not that I want to make shit up, but I feel as if I’m trapped in an absurd life that has fuck all meaning to me… or anyone, for that matter. There are days I kind of hate myself, can’t stand the image staring back at me in the mirror. I want to pick my eyes out and end all this misery. Then I smoke a joint and forget everything.

Ah. I thought you weren’t doing drugs, Jack.

I’m not. Not hard ones, anyway. But I do enjoy a joint. I mean, it’s all the company I seem to have these days, Deirdre.

This was another lie. Two weeks before today, I had allowed fear and my demons to take control again and gotten completely off my face on cocaine. And I’m talking off my face, beautifully numbed to life and the never-ending cycle of pain I self-inflicted.

I was adept at sabotaging my happiness. However, I didn’t mention this to her, couldn’t get into all that right now. I didn’t want to let her down. I know it’s probably not right, but I did it, and that’s that.

I had never spoken to anyone about my innermost thoughts and worries, and I needed this time with her. But I also knew that it would take some time for me to open up and trust her completely, for I wasn’t a person easily given to trusting others. My past had destroyed any ability in me to trust. I tried to hide the lies on my face, and I’m not sure if I succeeded, but as always, Deirdre continued on smiling sympathetically.

I’m sure she understood how hard all this was for me, and we both knew, although it was never spoken, that simply being there in the first place meant progress. Substantial progress. Yes, there was a ways to go, and I knew it. I think we both did. But by finally talking to a professional after all those years of trying to cope with my diseased mind on my own, I was finally admitting I needed outside help. This was massive for me.

OK, she responded, scribbling in her journal.

I can’t stop thinking about her. It’s driving me fucking crazy. Every goddamned day.

Yeah, but she doesn’t want to know, and can you blame her, really? Deirdre said. You need to start accepting that, Jack.

She was right, of course. I knew this. Didn’t want or need to be told, but still I couldn’t help myself, riddled with guilt for what I had done and the careless way I had treated her.

I wondered about my abuser and if he’d still do what he did to me all those years back if he’d known the destruction he helped cause in my life. I suspect that thoughts of all the carnage he wrought in my life never troubled him. As a matter of fact, I’d put my house on it.

As always during this period, I was filled with rage, self-pity, and disgust, for it was the default position long adopted by me and anyone else who’s experienced this kind of thing. How else does one feel after being robbed of one’s innocence and childhood?

I didn’t know any other way of feeling about it. It wasn’t that it was any worse than it was for others who’ve suffered a similar experience. I thought I had gotten away with it lightly compared to some unfortunates, at least until the psychological scars appeared again and again whenever intimacy arose in my life. This destroyed every single meaningful relationship I’d ever had. Every single one. The psychological scars I accrued from this unfortunate episode caused the most damage.

It was damage from which I sometimes truly wondered if I’d ever escape. It was damage that made me consider if I’d ever have myself a proper, meaningful relationship. It was damage that made me consider seriously if I’d ever experience love.

Was I even capable of such a thing? Intimacy had always been a difficult thing for me, for I never trusted in it. It’s difficult to explain to those who haven’t had their innocence stolen from them. It’s a state of mind, I suppose, a feeling of being imprisoned inside your own head.

The anger, while perfectly understandable, in no way helped either. I felt such a blinding rage, such incredible fury, and no little amount of self-disgust while trying to rationalize things. Why me? always surfaced in my head. And I always felt great sorrow for those women – some incredible women – who came upon this train wreck. But I felt for none more so than for my last girlfriend.

Not only did she in no way deserve it, but she, more than any of them, more than any other person on the planet, tried her very best with me. She sacrificed a lot for me. She gave up her life in America for me, and this was how I’d repaid her love and kindness toward me.

She was and still is an angel and will always be in my eyes, and I pushed her away when things got serious between us. I freaked out big time. Stupid thought after stupid thought rose up, one building on top of the other, completely crushing me and my spirit down, turning me into an imposter inside my own body. In reality, it was for this reason, her and her alone, that I was sitting in this chair. The supreme guilt I felt encapsulated my entire being. I couldn’t escape it – only through much drug- and alcohol-induced stupor was any sort of relief to be found. However temporary. And only temporary it ever was.

‘Yeah I know she doesn’t want to know anymore,’ I replied, looking down at the carpeted floor and hating myself further. ‘I just feel so bad for her, you know? I want to explain to her and to tell her I’m so sorry.’

‘I know you do. But you’ve tried a few times now, and she doesn’t want to know. From what you’ve been telling me, she’s been getting on with her life, and you can’t blame her for that, can you?’

‘No, I don’t. Of course not. I genuinely hope she’s happy now, Deirdre.’

‘I know you do, Jack – I really do – but you have to forget her and get on with things now.’

‘Yeah,’ I answered, still in total disbelief at what had occurred since she moved from New York to live with me in Ireland. ‘Fuck,’ I said, not for the first time, ‘I’ve really gone and done it this time, haven’t I?’ It was a rhetorical question, and we both knew it. Sometimes silence can deafen you with its roar. This was one of those times.

A sympathetic smile in acknowledgement formed across Deirdre’s face. I held back my urge to cry, for I didn’t know what else to do, so utterly helpless and alone I felt, and waited for Deirdre’s response. I was more than aware of the pathetic state I’d become. Though it didn’t really matter what she would say, as words aren’t any consolation when you once had the caring arms of a beautiful woman to hold you and protect you from the world.

‘She’s dating someone else now, isn’t she?’ Deirdre enquired further, already knowing the answer, as we had well covered this topic several times in previous visits.

‘Yeah, she is,’ I answered flatly.

‘You have to let her go,’ she added.

‘I know. It’s hard, though, really hard.’

‘I know it’s not easy, but right now you have little choice in the matter, you know?’

‘I know,’ I responded, not wanting to believe it. ‘If she truly loved me, though…’

‘Jack,’ Deirdre interrupted, cutting me off before I had a chance to continue ‘you’ve got to let this thing go. As hard as it may be for you to do, you simply must.’

In hindsight, she was right, as always. I knew I was being completely irrational. Rational thought had left me some time ago. I didn’t know if we would be ever reacquainted, such was the hole I now found myself in. I knew this was entirely my fault, not hers. But I think also that this was the very humble beginnings of my learning to let go of everything that didn’t serve me. It wouldn’t be an overnight thing either. Years of incorrect thinking and bad programming would see to that. I didn’t see these visits with Deirdre at the time as the leveling out of my uncontrolled descent into oblivion. How could I? The wound from her was still raw, and I was pouring vinegar onto it a lot back then, which in no way helped matters.

In some crazy way of thinking, I believed that holding on to the pain would help me keep her with me, as completely bonkers as it sounds. It’s utterly stupid, but in my head, it was all I had to hold on to at the time. That and the relief to be found in escapism through drugs. It was the reality of what was going down in my life at that time. I let her down, I let myself down, I let my family down, and I let my friends down. None of this brought me anything but further pain and misery. Pain and misery were my closest friends, and they had been for what seemed the longest time ever. It would take much effort on my part to sever this tie. I fast-forwarded in my head to a time when all this would be behind me, but it certainly wasn’t now, and there were times when I wondered if it ever would.

Deirdre stood up and went to a filing cabinet. She opened a drawer and began looking for something. ‘I have something that I want you to read and study well,’ she said. ‘It’s about thought and thinking and the power it possesses. Negative thoughts can be quite destructive.’

‘OK,’ I said.

She found what she was looking for and sat down in the chair opposite me. She handed me a sheet of paper containing various facts on thoughts – the power they possess and the destruction they can cause if not properly monitored. There was also some info on self-esteem – in particular, the low variety from which I was a chronic sufferer. Low self-esteem was something I’d always battled in my life; lately, though, it’d been rock bottom.

I didn’t realize until I’d read the literature that Deirdre gave me just how ill and destructive my mind had become. It scared the shit out of me. It really did. It was way scarier than the fear I’d held of the dark as a kid, which was quite terrifying and real for me back then. It would be a long time before I’d regain control of my mind, but in retrospect, this was a start, although at the time, it felt as if my head were stuck in a black cloud. Ask anyone who’s been through therapy. It can be quite a tough slog at times. There were days when I truly felt lost. At the time, I genuinely feared for my well-being – I had no handle on this thing, none whatsoever, and I knew it. Minor breakthroughs were always surrounded by higher mountains to be climbed. A thick fog had long enveloped me, caging me in with no sign of escape whatsoever. I saw no sign of the light, and nobody could help me now but myself.

My one time great lady companion had long since deserted this sinking ship, and truly, I couldn’t really blame her. Nor do I even now. I wondered how she managed to stick around for so long. If I am to be completely straight up about it, it amazed me that she did stay so long. When I think back on this, on her specifically, the realization of the bastard I had become flashes across my mind and doesn’t make me proud. My family, for whatever reason, decided not to tell me that she stayed in a hotel in the airport for two days before she flew home, hoping I’d come to my senses.

But I didn’t know this, and even if I had known, who knows if I would have? The capability of rational thought had long since deserted me. My tendency to sabotage any half-decent relationship or any chance of real and lasting happiness had been perfectly honed by my subconscious long before.

At five o’clock on the button, I once more left the small comfort of Deirdre’s presence to venture back into the cold dark world outside. I was glad to have Deirdre, glad I had someone in whom I could confide my troubles, even if it did cost me a tidy sum each session. God only knows what may have become of me or what may have happened if not for her. I owe her a lot. I’m sure I wasn’t the most difficult patient she’d ever had, but I’m equally sure I wasn’t the easiest either. I made my way back ‘home’. Truth be told, it had been a long time since it last felt like home. I immediately rolled myself a joint and made a cup of tea. I told myself that I’d go for a run tomorrow. I was far too exhausted even to contemplate one now. My head was tired and sore.

Whenever I thought back on the how’s and whys of that special relationship ending, it was always like this. Therapy and counseling can be very tiring. It’s hard trying to make sense of nonsense sometimes – repeating ad nauseam scene after scene of pure ugliness and decay. Who the fuck had I become? I was completely unrecognizable to myself. I didn’t know what – if anything – I believed in anymore. At least nothing other than another line of coke, which greatly facilitated my eagerness to escape the pain of everything at this low point in my life.

2

AN ATTEMPT TO EXPLAIN

Hey, Cakes,

How are you? I sincerely hope that you are well and that life for you is fantastic. I mean this. I also mean it when I tell you that I don’t wish you any trouble whatsoever, and causing you any certainly isn’t the point of this. I already caused you plenty. I know what I did.

I’ve said this a thousand times now, but I want to say it again; I’m sincerely sorry and regretful for what happened when you moved to Ireland. I am to blame for it all, and I fully accept the part I’ve played in how things have turned out. When I have the means to do so, it’s my intention to reimburse you fully for all monies you spent. You can give this to charity if you wish. It’s entirely up to you. It’s just something I have to do for me.

I have written this a thousand times and tried to explain why things happened the way they did, but no letter came even remotely close to capturing what I feel. I suspect that this one will be no different in that regard.

I need you to know, for my sake as much as yours, that I meant you no harm. I never did. So much has happened to me since you left that there really is no other way to tell you but to give you a chronological order of things that happened to me when you returned home. It’s all very messy, but with hindsight and the incredible insights I’ve been fortunate to receive following all the work I’ve done on myself, I feel finally in a position now where I can explain everything to you. This is the very least you deserve.

When you left, I fell hard and fast. Things got much worse for me. Much worse if truth be told. I had to wait six months to enter therapy with the Stress Clinic. These six months were almost unbearable for me. Finally I met with the doctor, and after having a chat, he prescribed CBT for me. I met Deirdre, and together we set to work eradicating all my negative thought patterns and my self-destructive behaviors. This took me two years of intensive therapy, so it wasn’t an overnight thing, I can assure you. There were an awful lot of them to deal with, and it was only with Deirdre’s help that I managed to see this and eventually take steps to overcome it all – and I guess to begin living life the way it’s meant to be lived.

You see, during therapy, Deirdre suggested yoga to me. I am a practicing yogi (I can’t tell you the immense satisfaction it brings me just to be able to say that). I have been for eighteen months now. I practice six days a week. I am planning to begin studying to become a yoga teacher in May with Mary, a wonderful woman and perhaps one of my best and closest friends now. I thank God for her every single day. Anyway, after getting over the stupid thoughts and many incorrect perceptions I had about yoga, I discovered something that brings me deep inner peace, an inner peace I’ve always aspired to but never, until now, been able to realize. It’s my plan to study in India as soon as I’m of a suitable standard to do so, eventually teaching and helping others through yoga in the way that it has helped me. If I were to tell you the benefits of regular yoga practice, I’d be here for a month.

I was wired all wrong in my head. Through yoga and my dedication and discipline to a more spiritual lifestyle, I have been blessed with many gifts from above. I guess I always had some of these gifts but was blinded to them for so long. It has transformed me from the inside out. You may find this hard to believe, and I guess that’s OK. I know my credibility with you is at an all-time low. But if you have any doubt as to the power of yoga I’d suggest you take it up. Having said that, when the student is ready, the teacher will appear!

I know this won’t make any sense to you, but what happened had to happen. It was the only way, I guess, in hindsight, that I could get to this place where I am now. I had to lose everything I held dear and experience deep loss, regret, and loneliness. It’s in this space that God works his magic, and certainly many more spiritually developed folks than I all speak of a similar situation occurring in which they reconnected with Source, or God, or whatever you care to name it when they hit rock bottom, as I surely did.

Not only that, but I also see why everything that happened to me in my life had to. I’m OK with it all. I’ve made my peace with everything. The abuse as a kid… the lot of it. I had to in order to move on. Yoga opened my heart, and I am a completely different person to that train wreck you came over to. A lot has changed with and within me. It simply had to. I had to break down and rebuild myself from scratch. It was at times a painful, isolating, and lonely journey, but I had to do it. If I was to ever make peace with myself, this all had to happen. Things got a lot worse before I finally turned a corner. To be perfectly candid, I fell into a deep depression – so deep at times that I genuinely worried for myself.

I am currently out of work and have been for a while. This is the only reason I haven’t gone to see you. My lifestyle has changed dramatically. I actually wanted to include a drug test to show no traces of anything in my body, but I can’t afford to do so.

I know and completely understand that you have no feelings for me anymore. I know and understand that you have long since moved on. I wish you only the best. I am deeply sorry, and God alone knows the intensity of this feeling I have in my heart over everything. I can’t take it back, as much as I wish I could. And believe me, I wish I could.

I won’t bore you with the details. I have no right to take up any more of your time. There was never any intention to harm you, although I know I did.

My entire life has been spent seeking to please others, completely ignoring my own heartfelt wishes and aspirations. No more! I am attuned to my soul now and finally feel that the universe and I are on the same page. Would you believe me if I told you that I speak to God every single day now! I understand more than most people – a hell of a lot more than I once did – and I am deeply intuitive. Most importantly, I know now what my purpose here is on the earth. Just understanding this brings me great peace and puts a smile on my face.

I’m not sure what my motivation is for this letter. I meditate a bit now, and I asked the universe for guidance with all aspects of my life, and even through I’ve written this letter in many different forms and never sent it to you, I am now ready to do so. It seems I have grown much since you left. Amen to that!

We may never meet again in this life, but I am supremely confident that we shall meet again in the afterlife. I know it. Here you will have the understanding required why everything happened the way it did. Having said that in no way do I wish to belittle what happened. Nor do I wish to make excuses for my behavior. What our souls desire and what our minds want can be two completely different things – especially when you allow an overactive mind like mine to be the steering wheel to your life. I have learned to differentiate between the two, and now it’s my heart and my soul that decide everything, not my mind or my thoughts. I am now the watcher, not the thinker.

I thank you for everything you have done for me and all the unconditional love you always showered on me. I thank God for you every day, and I ask Him/Her to protect you and keep you safe. I don’t currently have the life I want for myself, but I am finally on the right track now, and I know that if I keep doing what I am doing every day, wonderful things will happen for me, as they already have begun to manifest. You are an incredibly special woman. I think, like Mary, my yoga teacher, you are an angel sent down from heaven by God. No, I know you are.

Everything in my life has taken a dramatic swing upwards. Everything. I am at peace. In many ways, what happened to me when you left also helped bring about great and necessary changes in me. Again, I think in hindsight that this was the only way, through a majorly traumatic event, that this as well as other aspects of my life would change for the better. This is how God works, I believe. I am not a saint, nor do I pretend to be. Losing you was the catalyst I needed to finally dump the limiting beliefs that have always held me back and begin to reclaim as my birthright the life I deserve, with peace in my heart.

It was in losing everything that I discovered myself again. I gained much understanding of the human condition. I have gained wisdom. None of this would have come about but for the fact that I lost you. So I thank you each and every single day, and I thank God for bringing you into my life, for I feel that this was your purpose – to shake me to my very core and finally get me to listen up and get in touch with my inner self/soul. I will forever be in your debt.

I have asked God to remove all negative energies from your being that manifested from your experience with me and to replace them with more fitting energies for one of His angels, which I firmly believe you are. I know He has done this for me, and this is my greatest wish for you. I will always hold you in deep love and respect, even if I wasn’t any good at showing you this when we were together.

I just want you to know that despite everything, you were always the one for me. It’s my loss entirely, and I take full responsibility for everything.

I wouldn’t be where I am right now but for you. This is a simple fact. Losing you and the deep sense of loneliness and isolation that accompanied these years since you left Ireland has finally made me confront the subconscious issues I had buried deep within. It was incredibly hard at times, and yes, I often felt like just giving up, but something has changed within me. I can’t explain it any better than to say that I see clearly now where once there was nothing but fog. I am deeply ashamed of my past behavior towards you, but know that it was all me. It was my issues, my past, and my sick mind that literally ran amok and dragged me deeper into the hole I had created for myself. You still are the most incredible person I’ve ever met, bar none. And every day I feel great loss knowing that you are somewhere else, with someone else, and not in my life. But this is my problem, not yours.

I simply want to tell you that you were right and I was wrong, and when I look back at the time we shared, a smile automatically comes to my face. I know this is not how things are for you when you do ever think back, but you should feel great comfort in the fact that you and you alone have helped me to get to this point in my life. Yes, some things could be better, but I’ve never