I’M Still Sane!: But Crazier Than Ever!

© 2014 Darryl E. McCullough. All rights reserved.

Editing by

Dana Heshimu and Carol Morganti

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse    05/30/2014

ISBN: 978-1-4969-1407-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4969-1408-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014909273

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Table of Contents

About the Book

Dedication

Acknowledgements

About the Author

In His Glory

The Wonder Years

Is This The End?

Feet

The Little Shed Of Horrors

Daddy Died

The Furgerson Nose

Devotion

Gold-digger

Ugly Girl

Where’s His Penis?

Line Dancing: A Loser’s Dream

Still Alone Amongst My People

The Fat, Ugly, White Girl And The Scruffy Little Blackman

Can I Borrow?

Old Matches

Queer Today And Gay Tomorrow

One Black

The Booty Dance

Man

The Talent Show

Let it Marinate

Fade Out

Are The Parents of Interracial Children Selfish?

Strawberry

The Super Man

For Those Who Are Not Here

The Day Things Changed

Santa Claus

Mrs. Hyphenated Name

Booty

An Acquired Taste

The Write Life

Desperate Husbands: Grinning and Bearing It

No Epidural

The Pride

Why Does A Man Cheat? Part II

Tight Jeans

Opposite Sex and Just Friends?

Taking A Chance

You’ll Never Find A Good Wife At the Club

The Game: A Message To My Son

What Happened?

Sucker-bite

Buying Porn

From Sissy to Rapist

Not Enough Room In A King-Size Bed

Independent

Group Of Black Men Talking About The Problems With Black Women

Group Of Black Women Talking About The Problems With Black Men

Caught In The Act

I Used To…

Cutting The Grass With Your Shirt Off

By The Knife

Black & White Cookies Get Stuck In My Teeth

White-Bread

Walking Home Alone

The Name Change

Parents On Board

The Breaks

Not Just Another Lay

Why I Dated White Women

The Day I Saw $5.00 At The Pump

Nice Rowboat! But What Happened to the Other Ore?

Black Business And The Lack Thereof

Door To Door

I Love You?

The Truth About Your Husband & His Friends

Watch Your Back

Losing Our Children

The Independent Women

The Cheating Kind

Perplexed With Religion/ Spiritual Vanity

Growing Up In The World Of AIDS

I Messed Up Too!

Black Business

The Ethnic Experience: Funeral, Church and What Not

Step Daddy

On And Off the Court: Basketball Player Dress Codes

Look At My Beautiful Wife… After the Divorce

In Love or Just Plain Old in Content

Being A Parent Is Forever

Warning: Women On The Net

Interracial Dating: Who Cares Anymore?

The Family Bond

Enough With The Reality Television

The Good Times

A Bun In A Young Oven

Till Death Do Us Part?

The Art Of Shacking

And Then… She Hit Me!

The Games That People Play

Shaking Your Groove Thang

Urban Fiction

Workplace Romances: Don’t Be Fooled!

We All Fall Down vs. the Good For ’em Philosophy

So, You Want To Write A Screenplay!

Shacking Up to a Seventies’ Groove

Black Daddies

Ladies! The Truth About Your Male Friends

Reparations

Flying Cars, Glass Ceilings and Barack Obama

In A Manly Way, I Cried Like A Baby

A Toppled King

Just Like My Grandfather

Chap Stick

Her Choice

The Saddened New King

A Raisin In A Bowl Full Of White Rice

Caution Men Working

Sweets

(No One Under 42 Inches Allowed)

The White Guy Next Door

Pleasantly Plump

Grass Seeds: A Stepson’s Revenge

Nightlight

Goodbye Old Friend

Survival

You Are Ghetto If…

Open Casket

The Absentee Father

Strays

It Still Burns

My Wife, My Sister

My First Car

The Overprotective Father

Oprah… I’m Sorry!

The Power of the Sperm

The Ace: A Woman’s Bluff

Darryl’s Ideal Suburb

Fire in the Hole! Fire in the Hole!

Zebra/Playing Ain’t for Everybody

Obituary

About the Artist

From the Author

Devotion… Again

About the Book

Years ago… Darryl E. McCullough published his first book Perfectly Sane: An Arsenal of Verbal Expression consisting of short-stories and poetry. While still professing his sanity, this writer, director, producer and now award winning screenplay writer is releasing his second book I’m Still Sane! But Crazier than Ever: A Collection of Short Stories, Angry Poems and Bitter Essays This book picks up where the other one left off! It showcases the life, times and crimes of this author’s imagination, perception and his astounding revelations of growing up, race-relations, dating and marriage. Featuring such racial exploratory favorites as The Furgerson Nose, A Raisin in a Bowl Full of White Rice and Interracial Dating: Who Cares Anymore? Joined with the dating and marital expressions of Ladies!The Truth about your Male Friends, And Then… She Hit Me and Look at my Beautiful Wife… After the Divorce. Also moralistic adult excavating such as Sweets and the eyebrow raising Zebra/Playing Ain’t for Everybody. This book also features many articles from the author’s yearlong column One Man’s Point of View. An added treat is a humorous interview with Black men and women discussing the problems that they have with each other.

This book also features The Life of a King sketch drawings by Anthony Valentino Robinson

Purchase your copy today at www.authorhouse.com, www.amazon.com, or contact the author directly at sanepoet@msn.com.

Book signings and film showings in Cleveland, Detroit and Atlanta to be announced!

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my wife Karen. For all these years she has allowed me to write about controversial subjects even when they were spawned from a single man’s perspective. Thank you, honey, for never ever interfering with my dreams, despite how far away from reality they may have been. Thank you for the over twenty years of marriage and two great children! Thank you for making steak and lobster when we had plenty and tacos and Hamburger Helper when we had very little. I love you with all my heart, even though I never say it enough.

Your husband forever,

Darryl E. McCullough

Acknowledgements

As I have thanked most of the people closest to me in my previous books, I will try to keep this one simple… Oh, what the heck, if it’s too long turn the page! To my family and friends who have always encouraged me to write and express myself and all of you who have helped me along the way whether it be mentally, spiritually or financially, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope that I paid all of you in full!

To my mother Ruth Williams and my Pops, Sherman Williams, thanks again for helping me through the rough spots, of which there where many. Hopefully, this year I can stay out of your pockets! And mom thanks for not getting mad at me for the things that I put in my first book. Hint, hint… this one too!

To my wife Karen, thanks, sweetheart… that’s why I dedicated the book to you. To my children Kendall and Kassidy, daddy loves you with all his heart. I will be glad when you both are eighteen and can read my books.

To my brother LeSon Ivory, thanks for all your help and understanding. To my sister Ramia Fagalar, thanks for helping a brother out! To my uncles James Miller, Al (Big Al) Austin, Aaron Moore, Frank McCullough and Sonny Turner thanks for all your encouragement. To my aunts Ernestine Quarles, Ruby Austin, Taahira Kaleem, Alice Brown, Barbara Moore, Joyce (Joyce-cee-mae) Scales, Mary Miller and Ruthadale Turner, thanks for all your love. Hey, Aunt Ruby, I put everyone’s last names in this one! The same as I said in my first book thanks to all my cousins in Cleveland, Detroit, Indianapolis, Atlanta, California and Florida. I love you all, especially the ones who keep in touch.

To all of my family members who are not just curious about me, but are genuinely, if I may say, proud of me, I want you to know that the feeling is mutual! I firmly believe that a player is only as good as his or her coach. And all of you have coached me in some form or fashion. To my in-laws Doug and Essie Garner along with Brenda Flynn, thanks for your help and support.

To my friends, not mentioned in any specific order, Give me a break, please! To Dannone and Roxanne Ravenel, Ron and Bonnie Tucker, Kellie Matthews, JoVanna Harris-Johnson, Joanette Curry, Yovonne Elston, Jackie Jones, Lonya Moss, Angela Spikes, Jerry and Dallas Hudgines, Velvet Hayes and Lorn Stafford.

Also the Lee Rd. and Kollin Crew, Randy Ivory, Wayne and Howard Thompson, Kenny Pettus, Jamal and Kenyette Holcomb! Special thanks to Renee Gilliam, Tom Scherr, Dale and Beth Hudak, Eric Taylor, Trina and Larry Kopchia and Mike Goodin for the encouragement and laughs.

The Wrangler Jeep Crew RaShawn Peterson, Wayne Holeman, Angelo Martinez, Tino Martinez, Ray Vaught, Melody Anderson, Melissa Dotson, Angie Jones, Dionne Johnson, LeDonn Coleman, Joe Wood, Randy Holvey, Roshanda Burtscher, Tonya Colbert, Regina Fobbs, Steve Shields, Ann Neal, Kelly French, Mary Ann Olson and all the other people I bonded with at the Toledo Jeep Plant!

Thanks to Ilinda Reese Taking Care of Business (CLE), Sheri Brooks (DET) Carl Williams (CLE) Frank Mixson Graffiti Cleveland (CLE) Darryl Edward and Felicia Johnson Visiting the Cave (CLE) and Denise Turner (PA) for having me on your cable and/or radio shows. It was a blast and I hope that my comments didn’t ruffle your sponsors’ feathers too much. Thanks to the people who watched me on those shows too! Those who saw past the thinness of my hair and grasped the thickness of my subjects! Also much love to The Cleveland Plain Dealer, The Toledo Blade and The Detroit Free Press columnists who always responded to my often severe comments to their columns.

Special thanks to the cast and crew of my first short-film under SANEPOETfilms a division of Perfectly Sane Productions LLC Holiday Lie. Cast: Kenny Santiago Marrero, Riki Yvette Westmoreland, Abigail Berk and Kristine M. Jackson. Also, thanks to our extras Angela LaRae and my cousin Shaun Rico Miller. Crew: Denise Richmond-Kelley, Robert Banks, Donald Gregory, Craig Wisniewski, Barbra D’Avila, Ellen Friedman, Beverly Kristy, Michael Bratt, James Weckbacher, Dan Zullo and Yvonne Negrelli. Thank you so much for helping my dreams come true! Robert Banks, I’m grateful to you for allowing me to have an opportunity to shoot this film with you. If it wasn’t for the starving artists and our great economy, the two of us probably would have never met, much less worked together on a film! Hopefully we will have many more projects to come. And, oh, thanks for the antique film cameras too!

Additional special thanks to the cast and crew of my second film. My first feature film Deadly Desperations. Cast: Aaron Switalski, Jaclyn Cifranic, Christopher Mele, Peter Lawson Jones, Joey Wacker, Heather Brown, Fred Munkachy, John Thobaben, Jamal Cann, Kris Smith, Kenny Santiago Marrero, David Adolfo Smith, Valorie Ventura, Christina Trompower, and Courtney Benson. Crew: Donald Gregory, Craig Wisniewski, Ellen Friedman, Beverly Kristy, Johnny Wu, James Weckbacher, John C. Kieger and Dan Zullo

Thanks to my brother LeSon Ivory along with William H. Smith & Associates for educating and helping me out on the legalities of the cutthroat, shyster ridden, jealous, back stabbing, no return phone calls, script stealing (because they can’t write) industry that I chose to be a part of. Because the help that you so graciously gave me helped to resolve many issues, so that I could continue doing what I love!

I would also like to thank my editors Dana Heshimu for helping me to shine on my website with my monthly column One Man’s Point of View. Also, Carol Morganti for coming in at the last minute adding your expertise to make sure everything was ready for the publishers. I’m looking so very forward to our continued work together! You both are angels!

I would also like to express a very special written memorial for my grandmothers Minerva Miller and Bessie McCullough. Though you both have passed on, how I wished that you could have seen all the additions to your families! And who would have thought that your grandson would have the courage to write a book!

Now, to thank the married women who let their effeminate and or insecure husbands answer the phone! God, how I hate calling your house and having to have small talk with your phone scanner! I hate you like I hate people who let their two-year old children answer the phone! I also despise telemarketers and that old lady at Wal-Mart who greets people. To the married people who ride on their spouse’s coat tails! To my Black people, who lack business savvy and are too fickle. People who still have McCain/Palin political bumper stickers on their cars, Hello, it’s over and you lost! People who ride in cars with their feet on the dashboard or worst yet, out the window, I hope that you are a contortionist if you get in an accident! To the people who say have a blessed day at the end of a conversation, making me feel like an idiot and out of touch when I just say, goodbye! To all the people who dress like they are going to play basketball or something, if you want to be a man, dress like one, and not some walking, thuggish rah, rah for some team! To the people who use a younger picture in the obituary when their loved one dies, so when you look at the thirty-something picture you say, Oh, they were so young when they died! Then you read the obituary and the guy was eighty-five years old! To women who talk to their babies about their daddy and how he ain’t this and he ain’t that, how about talking to them about how stupid you were to be with him in the first place! To people who say lab-top, rather than the correct word, laptop! And oh, how could I forget, to women with hairy arms, especially if their arm hair is a different color than the hair on their head. To absentee fathers, you are the reason for 90% of all the things wrong with Black people today! Oh yeah, and women who don’t wear dresses, a.k.a. Hillary Clinton! Just because you want to be treated fairly does not mean that you have to talk loudly, and with a deep voice like a man. And you most certainly don’t have to dress like one either!

Thanks to all the other musical groups that were not mentioned in my previous book: Barry White, Heatwave, The Kinsman Dazz Band, AWB, Dennis Edwards, The Delfonics, Billy Paul, Switch, Isaac Hayes, Bobby Womack, Common, Jay-Z, Roy Ayers, Billy Holiday, Donald Fagan, Michael Franks, Billy Joel, Gregory Porter, Jose James, Ambrose Akinmusire, Hiatus Kaiyote, Gretchen Parlato, Mayer Hawthorne, Audioslave, AudibleThread, System of a Down and all other alternative rock groups with fast-paced, hyper beats that get constant play while I’m cruising in my minivan. And even though he was thanked in my last book, I’ll thank Prince once again! Also special thanks to Magic shaving powder for keeping my face razor bump free!

About the Author

Just who the heck is Darryl E. McCullough, and is he really still sane?

Yes, I’m still sane, at least in my eyes I am! This is the third of my self-published books. The other books were entitled Perfectly Sane and Definitely Insane. This book continues where the other two left off. There were many things that I thought I had talked about enough and other things I hadn’t. So I reexamined my thoughts and discovered yet another spin on things. This book has the same format of random poetic thoughts and essays but with longer controversial short stories. In some ways I’ve grown and in other ways I’ve remained the same. My mother always told me Never apologize for your writing! It is that way that I felt at that time.

I can still be reached at sanepoet@msn.com or check me out at www.sanepoet.com and www.sanepoetfilms.com.

In His Glory

The Wonder Years

The year was 1988; I had been out of high school for a couple of years and had just bought my first new car, a 1988 Beretta GT. It was Black and had mag wheels, and it was a stick. This car had just come out and though, like the Ford Taurus everyone had one, mine was one of the first, and it was hot! I gained a lot of self-confidence this year, self-confidence that I lacked in my junior and high school years. I switched from a Jeri-Curl to a high-top fade. I had a steady girlfriend and other girls waiting as well. I was having fun, big fun! And as I was trying to think about the best thing that happened to me during this year, it wasn’t car or girl related. It was a show called The Wonder Years.

While many Black teenagers were watching the fourth season of the prim and proper Cosby Show, and the ever asphalt growing, keeping your head above water repeats of Good Times, I was watching yet another great, wholesome and humorous show as it explored the mind of a green and white New York Jets jacketed child, through his upbringing during the late turbulent sixties. All the vital issues complemented with landmarking music of this era. I love things seen from a child’s perspective. It’s so innocent and so pure. During these times a kid could walk the whole neighborhood at all times of the night and not have to worry about pedophiles or being shot in a drive-by. The boy as an adult narrates the show as he reminisces through his Wonder Years. This show helped me grow up, even though I was considered an adult. It pulled emotions out of me that I never knew I had and enhanced the ones that I did. And each cast member was a vital part to the spontaneity of the show’s chemistry.

The show’s cast consisted of Kevin Arnold, played by Fred Savage. His facial expressions are worth a thousand words. He reminds me so much of myself growing up, trying to find something called… life. This soon to be lovestruck teenager fights the sometimes-uphill battle of growing up. His parents Jack and Norma laid the foundation and kept Kevin in line during his explorations. His father Jack, played by Dan Lauria, was a hard-nosed, shoot from the hip, no nonsense war veteran. He was stern and frustrated with life at times, yet in a weird way, he was lovable. Kevin’s mother Norma was an insult to any modern-day feminist and the I don’t need a man woman. She was June Cleaver, Edith Bunker and Lucy all wrapped up in one and a blonde to boot! She defined the term homemaker and epitomized the term, Stepford wife. I loved her!

Kevin also had an older sister and brother, Karen and Wayne. Karen was played by Olivia d’Abo an actress that went on to do much more groundbreaking Hollywood material. She was the just couldn’t wait to burn her training bra, feminist-in-training socialist, flower child, hippie. She was like the Denise Huxtable character portrayed by Lisa Bonet in the Cosby Show. She was the odd one, the one who brought the controversy to the show. Kevin’s brother Wayne, played by Jason Hervey, added a little controversy too, but more so geared in the antagonizing troublemaking area. He was an obnoxious, evil, ratty, bratty and uncouth character. And despite how a controversial topic would stop the family dinner, be it money matters, birth control, or the ongoing telecasted updates of the Vietnam War or race riots, Wayne was always, Wayne. He would still be eating as if nothing bothers him. He was as Kevin once said to him, pathetic!

This family would not be complete without Kevin’s childhood friend Paul Pfeiffer, played by Josh Saviano. This nerdy, shy, goofy, allergic to his own blood character was hilarious, without him even trying to be funny. His friendship with Kevin was genuine, despite the fact that Paul may have been labeled an outcast and kept Kevin from being in with the In crowd.

If life wasn’t tough enough for Kevin, discovering things in his life, he was bound to discover puppy love, and that puppy love began with Winnie Cooper. She was played by Danica McKellar. She and Kevin grew up together but, at that time, Winnie was just one of the guys. She had pigtails, wore Coke bottle glasses, and was lanky. But went they started junior high or somewhere around that time, Winnie took off her glasses and straightened her hair. She was still lanky, but wore it very well. She also wanted to be called Gwendolyne at this time, but the name didn’t stick. Winnie appeared to walk in slow motion to Kevin. Her hair would blow ever so softly in the wind. Kevin even shared his first kiss with her. He was on top of the world! And as said by the narrator, Everything was simple and fun. In other words it had to end. As Kevin and Winnie tried to find out what exactly was going on with their puppy love, Kevin let her slip through his fingers. Though Kevin may have had a few other crushes on girls like Lisa Berlini and a temporary crush on Becky Slater, he even had a summer fling as he got older, but he always harbored a deep love for Winnie.

In my life I also had a Winnie Cooper, so to speak. I had a Lisa Berlini and a Becky Slater too. Same thing, I did not end up any one of these three. I probably would have been okay with the Winnie Cooper-like girl but, as we were discovering life, and in the midst of her discovering her, and me discovering me, we really never discovered each other, at least to a point where we could do anything about it. The Lisa Berlini-like girl was all right too, but I felt so shy around her. I always felt that I had to impress her. Plus, I just could not afford her! Hence she was out of my league.

See, Lisa Berlini was out of Kevin’s league too, way out. Winnie Cooper was as well… almost. She was so genuine, so pure it kept her from being pompous. Not a polar opposite like a Becky Slater, who as I mentioned, I have experienced as well. Becky was played by Crystal McKellar who I hear is Winnie Cooper’s sister in real life. They both are cute but have different hair colors, so I didn’t believe this, that is until I saw them both walk. They both walked like they had a coat hanger in their shirts as, Kevin put it. Anyway Becky was the fill-in girl. The girl that Kevin went with just to say that he had a girlfriend. Someone he really didn’t like, at least not as much as he liked Winnie Cooper.

Lines like Do you ‘like me’ like me or do you just like me? defined love as it were, as Kevin’s puppy love for Winnie had turned into real love. Kevin discovered his puppy love with Winnie, but he practiced his puppy like with Becky. My Becky Slater was someone I just practiced with too. I regret it now because I toyed with her heart. Thank God that she was not as spiteful as Becky Slater, or I would have been socked and floored, just Like Kevin was. After getting punched out by love literally, these words were uttered by the narrator, I guess that was when it first occurred to me I really didn’t understand girls, and let me be absolutely clear about what I mean, I-really-didn’t-understand-girls! Something that is still true to this day.

All of us have experienced this with someone in our early years of love. It’s great. Going steady, sucker bites, practicing dance moves in front of a mirror to see if I could last the whole time of a 45-Lp. How important it was for the girl that you liked to like you. And I mean like you like you! Giving each other I.D. bracelets. I gave a girl an I.D. bracelet, I think we went together for about two weeks and then she left me for some older boy, a slick-haired, Colonel Sanders, tie having, pointy-toed shoes wearing thug. I guess he and all the other guys that beat me out were my modern-day Kirk McCraig. Kirk was a guy who was going steady with Winnie whom she practiced her puppy like with. Poor Kevin had to view all their shenanigans. It was humiliating especially when Kirk needed favors from Kevin on wooing Winnie. During these desperate times Kirk called Kevin Kev-bo!

What’s even more humiliating was, as I reflect back on the girl I got the I.D. bracelet for, I was so afraid to talk to her. Before I called her I had a literal list of topics for my conversation with her. I mean that has b-o-r-i-n-g written all over it. But it’s not so easy for some of us who were not so great looking and not so cool. Kevin experienced the same thing with his dreadful first phone call to Lisa Berlini. In real life Winnie Cooper probably could not hold a candle to Lisa Berlini. The same would be true of my teenage Winnie Cooper and Lisa Berlini. The difference is that lust is sparked by looks and love is sparked by truth. Kevin and Winnie’s relationship was based on truthfulness.

Kevin’s true feelings for Winnie were challenged at times, but none more than with Madeline Adams. Wow! Speaking of can’t hold a candle to; neither Lisa Berlini nor Winnie Cooper in real life could hold a candle to this leggy, arm-candy, shotgun rider, who was perfect to make Winnie jealous when she and Kevin were on the outs. I didn’t have a Madeline Adams until much later in life. She was the type of girl who realized what she was and she realized what I was. And together we both realized how great we could be together, and just have fun!

Of course as Kevin discovered love, it was inevitable that he would explore sex. He and Paul ironically learned about the female anatomy the same way that I did, through the pages of Women, Our Bodies, Ourselves.

Learning about sex for a young teenager, is not easy. Nor is it easy for an adult to talk about it. Kevin’s mother caught him, Paul, and the menacing Wayne gawking through the stolen book pages of Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex, but were Afraid to Ask. She was so embarrassed, not because Kevin was curious about sex, but because she thought that the book was from her personal collection. Neither Kevin nor his mother ever talked about that day or that subject anymore.

My mother said a few things to me about sex and then just gave me a book that talked about sex in a G-rated format. I remember my stepfather asked me what did I know about sex? I just looked at him as if he was crazy, for not only was he not the person that I wanted to learn about sex from because I borderline hated him, but I was seventeen at the time.

Kevin and Paul also somewhat, kind of learn about sex from their gym class teacher, or rather physical education, teacher, Coach Cutlip. He wore polyester pants, had a steel plate in his head, and was the Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from the movie Full Metal Jacket of Robert Kennedy High School.

Out of all the teachers that Kevin had who had taught him valuable lessons, I enjoyed his math teacher the best. His name was Mr. Collins and he graded on a curve, to the dismay of Kevin. I enjoyed this character so much because I too had issues with math and math teachers. Mr. Collins appeared to be zoning when he should be teaching and teaching when he should be zoning.

He was like the stereotypical Korean storeowners that watched every suspicious character that came in their stores and totally overlooked the person behind them robbing them blind. Though Collins graded on a curve, he did teach Kevin some valuable lessons and his grade improved also. It’s too bad that Mr. Collins’s character faded out tragically. Kevin even had a few token Black teachers who I think were the only Black persons in all the 115 episodes that had a speaking part. But it didn’t seem to matter, because I was too busy laughing!

Other valuable lessons in the show not only analyzed Kevin’s life, but his parents’ life as well. The biggest was when Norma started becoming more independent and Jack was not having that. Taking a college ceramics course, she started bringing home all her abstract, lopsided projects. Most of her projects were indefinable. The greatest was when her husband Jack looked at an object on the coffee table and was perplexed. He asked his son, What is this supposed to be? Kevin said, It’s an ashtray. See, this is where the ashes go and here is where the cigarettes go. What was funny about it was that there were a large amount of areas for the cigarettes to go. Jack replies angrily, What does she think, that we’re going to have two hundred people smoking here at once? As he questions his wife’s intelligence he yells, Why can’t she make an ashtray that looks like an ashtray? The class somewhat interfered with her household duties. She also started to get a little lippy with him at times.

See, what happens here is that we men marry a woman, for the way she is or at least the way we think that we can change her. Then when she starts to change herself, especially into something that we are not fond of… disaster! Her feminist daughter even made the comment, You’re turning into such a rebel, you know? Tomorrow we’re going to come home and find you burning your bras.

One time Norma was getting lippy with her husband over what seemed to be minute, but as with most arguments, the menial became massive as her husband yells at the top of his lungs, Don’t you ever, ever speak to me in that tone of voice! The children all flinched, scared when their father bellowed. And what did Norma do after his demand? She revolted by saying, I’ll speak the way I want!" The father storms out of the house knowing he has lost his grip.

It’s really bad when a child has to hear his parents arguing. My mother, who has always had a small frame, had a rather big mouth and would pretty much say what was on her mind. This was very much to the dislike of my stepfather, and me too, as I would hear the yelling and fighting all night long. Sometimes she would win and my stepfather would be cool. And sometimes she would lose, as my stepfather lost his cool.

My parents would rarely make up, well, at least not to my knowledge. They would just start talking to one another again. Now the Arnolds knew how to make up, as Jack and Norma would look at each other and reminisce. Older Kevin phrases it best, I know it sounds strange, but that was the first time that I had ever seen my parents alone together.

The show displayed the awkwardness a child feels discovering that his parents are in love and are lovers. That’s when I learned the true meaning of rekindling the love that you once had. Now, we call it recycling love. Despite some arguing in front of their children, the Arnolds taught me that being embarrassed, ashamed, and hurt in front of your children, was all a part of being a father and a mother.

Kevin’s relationship with his sister and especially his brother were the polar opposite of The Brady Bunch! Here it appeared that brothers and sisters are someone that you do not get along with, despite forced unity. Kevin’s brother Wayne always called Kevin, Butthead, way before Butthead became a fashionable name, thanks to MTV! Quotes like, Tonight, while you sleep, pal would put fear into Kevin’s heart. Kevin would, at times, dream about the hate that he has for his brother. Kevin had his run-ins with bullies, but it appeared that his brother was his worst enemy. But, in time, even they too made amends.

As with all childhood stars, they grow up, and are no longer cute and cuddly. Wonder Years battled this storm pretty well. After all, how could you have a show about growing up unless, of course, you grew up? The show henceforth dealt with more adult-themed material like suicide, death, shacking up, separation, reconciliation and, of course, pressure to have sex. I watched impatiently each week wondering, Is Kevin going to get some from Winnie this time? Which I think that he never did. Just some heavy French kisses that stopped before anything could happen.

I heard that there was one episode that sparked some controversy when Kevin touched a girl’s breast. I recently saw that episode and realized that I had seen it many times before. It dealt with Kevin having a little summer romance. He and the girl spent a lot of time together and she thought that he was a local but was saddened when she found out that he was just there for the summer.

When he told her that he was leaving, while watching a movie at the drive-in, she was hurt and teared up a little. She innocently grabs his hand and placed it on her chest, then they kissed, to the fadeout of a man and woman on horseback in the Planet of the Apes. In retrospect I thought that the girl put Kevin’s hand on her heart, to signify how he has it. I never once thought, Oh, he has his hand on her breast! The show was just so wholesome; the thought just never crossed my mind at that time.

The supporting cast was the same, with some additional cast members like Wayne’s girlfriend and Karen’s steady boyfriend. There were also some additions in Kevin’s friendships, but they were just fillers. They all were such bland wallpaper I never even remembered their names. This was okay; the show was still good, but not great like it used to be. Kind of like when the Little Rascals became Our Gang. It was funny, but not that funny!

Not only did Kevin grow up, but also did the primary characters. Kevin’s father quit his job at Norcom, he took a chance and started his own business, a business that Wayne eventually took over. Kevin’s mother did not burn her bra as her daughter Karen would have loved, but she did pull out a pack of matches and enrolled herself into college.

Funny, after the show went off, Norma ended up playing the mother in another favorite show of mine later in life, Yes, Dear. Kevin’s hippie of a sister was very distant in the later seasons of the show. She would pop up every now and then in typical Denise Huxtable fashion. At the end of the last season’s show she showed up married and pregnant, but by that time who really cared? It was all overshadowed when the narrator told about the death of his on-the-screen waving father, as his body faded from the scene. I’m man enough to say that I got misty-eyed. It was like I lost a father or something.

It was funny seeing Paul grow up. At first he was goofy and his glasses made him goofier. He was alongside other nerds in a couple of episodes. Early in his geekdom, he was even Skreech from the show Saved by the Bell, which comparatively made Paul look like Fred Astaire! But as Paul aged, the only thing that was goofy about him was his glasses. He no longer danced like a Sea Monkey! Heck, he even made the Robert F. Kennedy Wildcats junior high basketball team, and was the first to have sex too! Paul left behind all his allergies and shyness and just became a regular long neck and nosed kid.

The Wonder Years helped me to remember, as if that was ever a problem for me. I remember summer vacations, when we did nothing but play and relax. I wanted to grow up so quickly to be a man. But being a man, working ten hours a day, doesn’t come with a summer vacation, ever. Just a couple of weeks and maybe some sick days here and there. Like Kevin Arnold discovered in one episode when he visits the working world with his father and sees working is not all that it’s cracked up to be. His father comes home in his normal fashion, grumpy and not speaking as he pulls off his tie. Kevin follows behind his father, grumpy and not speaking as he pulls of his tie too. I mean this was hilarious to see!

The Wonder Years taught how precious my adolescent and teen years were, how special it is to have family and friends. And above all, what a wonderful life I have today. Some people may think how can I identify with a show like this? Simply put, I identify with adolescent life and the many different flavors that this gumball world cranks out. I’m sure not only Black people watched the show Good Times. Some rich white folks watched that show too. Why and how could they identify with the Black struggle? I guess it’s hard to say when you’re thinking, crying and sometimes laughing out loud as I was with the Wonder Years.

Sad to say that this wholesome, tear jerking at times, brilliant work of art show, has not been released on DVD, and probably never will… legally that is. I hear it is because of the music used in the shows and having to pay all of them, something like that. So all we can do as fans is play our old VHS and Beta tapes. Some of us have the bootleg DVDs of the shows! And as I laugh and cry I say to Wonder Years, Thanks! No family show has come close to moving me since you’ve been gone!

Is This The End?

Have you ever heard of a midlife crisis? Men experience this at around fifty years old or so. They may want a flashy car, stating things like, I figured what the heck, this is my last go round! They will probably have to step their clothes up a notch, to go with the flashy car. They may even get an earring or even have an affair, to see if they still have it so to speak!

Men have a problem with finality! Something as simple as retiring after thirty years of working, could be a very difficult decision for some. It’s almost like admitting defeat and succumbing to the hands of Father Time. This is why many men, though really tired of working, get part-time jobs. Not because they need the money but just to have something to do, something to get them out of the house.

The words that we avoid at all cost are the end. This starts off early, like prior to walking down the aisle. Women may be thinking how lovely everyone and everything looks and how fortunate she is to be marrying this guy for all the right reasons, and not being pregnant first. She lovingly looks in his eyes as her feelings for him gush from her face.

Now, men are thinking the total opposite, as we try to walk slowly and cool at the same time as not to slip in our rental shoes, constantly thinking selfish thoughts. Although we are happy we can’t help but think to ourselves, Man, this is the last woman that I am going to have sex with! Regardless of how beautiful the woman that we are marrying is, sometimes we pierce into the future and see her with five kids, fat and mean. And, of course, you have to have sex with this lady. God forbid that she is in her late thirties at her sexual peak, as men were told they were at the age of eighteen.

I don’t know if my wife of over ten years of marriage ever had a sexual peak. She never told me or showed me any change, she is too girl next door! Our sex life just stayed the same, despite kids and all. If she did have a sexual peak, I think she may have been sleeping when it occurred.

Now many men want it and the woman doesn’t, peak or no peak! And as your erection becomes a distraction you grow tired of closing your eyes. And there you are sitting around drinking and smoking heavily, watching your watch and waiting on death.

Besides the fact that our future wife may become a shopper in the plus size section, there is also another issue. What if the goals that your wife has set for herself are not achieved? Even worse, what if the goals that you set out for her to achieve are not met? There is nothing worse than being locked up with a failure.

Many times when we date we are on our best behavior. When you mix two people up with that and add lust in, many of us think that we have found our soul mate. In actuality this person is just someone that you vibe with at the time. Lust covers the fact that he or she is sloppy, flirty, psychotic, snores and is an alcoholic!

The word sexist gets thrown around so much when a man expresses his opinion. Just as the word feminist gets thrown around when a woman, especially a butch looking one at that, expresses her opinion. I’ve never looked at myself as a sexist, though I have been called one many times. I am and will always be a realist. But if you want to get technical, I guess I’m also a masculinist. This made-up word helps one to understand that I am just looking out for my species, and trying to keep us all from peeing sitting down!

Feet

Despite how bad my writing skills may be, I have been writing for years. And computers with spelling and grammar check helped me along the way. With all these years of writing I was bound to lose things that I have written and stored on my old trusty hardrive. Thankfully this only happened one time, with something that