No More Secrets

Copyright © 2015 Jairus Douglas.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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ISBN: 978-1-5043-4787-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-4788-4 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-4789-1 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015920948

Balboa Press rev. date: 12/17/2015

CONTENTS

Preface

Introduction

How to Read This Book

Bible Study: Fun and Easy

First Secret - A Different Game

The Lesson - A Thief in the Night: The True Cause of Sex Addiction

Second Secret - Big Man on Campus

The Lesson - Ignoring the Red Flags: To Every Guilty Bystander

Third Secret - Graduation

The Lesson - What is wrong with me?

Fourth Secret - The Choir

The Lesson - Behind the Pulpit

Fifth Secret - Upstanding Citizen

The Lesson - Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: The Other you

Sixth Secret - Breaking Point

The Lesson - The Great Physician

Seventh Secret - The Wilderness

The Lesson - Take Up the Whole Armor

Eighth Secret No More Secrets

Glossary

For nothing is secret, that shall not be made manifest: neither hid, that shall not be known and come abroad. (Luke 8:17)

DEDICATION

In loving memory of my mother and hero. Thank you for the awesome love you gave me, and for all the principles you taught me. This book is a reflection of the tenacity you instilled in me. (1943-1997)

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

First, I thank Jesus Christ, who is the Lord and Healer of my life, for entrusting to me His words to share with the world to strengthen His kingdom. Without you, Jesus, I would be spiritually dead in my sexual addiction, or dead literally. When I thought I could never be healed of my spiritual disease, you proved me wrong. The new me, and this book, exists ultimately because of you. You are God all by yourself!

My undying gratitude is also owed to the many great, wise, dedicated, and supportive men and women of God who have relentlessly labored and suffered long with me; to the vessel through which God spoke to motivate me to write this book; you are amazing men and women of God. Thank you for your prayers, sermons, and unwavering commitment to me and my work; to God's ram in the bush, thank you for your encouraging words, spiritual insight, support, and the many days and hours you sacrificed to help me make this project a success; to my three children, the strength of my heart, thank you for being the awesome children you are. I love you without waver; to my Pastor, for your prayers and support, and; to my spiritual father and mother, your unwavering love and support for me have been priceless. I love you both. Finally, my deceased mother, I can still hear your words of strength, Don't quit, Son, resounding in my heart every day. May the riches of God's blessings and His grace be upon you always. May His divine favor embrace each of you daily, His infinite wisdom never cease to amaze you, and may it cause you to fully know how deep His love is for you. Continue to walk courageously for Jesus Christ, never compromising your Faith!

DISCLAIMER

All names, including the author's name and character names, locations, schools, and businesses have been changed to protect the identities of the people involved in this true set of narratives. It is only important that God knows who each and every one is.

No More Secrets Poem

Unlock the doors in my mind, open the books, audit my life, clean out the skeletons, any hidden dust you may find

I search in the darkness in search of myself, review all my errors like plaques on a shelf, out on display for all eyes to see, an image in the mirror reflecting back on me

Who am I? What am I scared to reveal, like contrast colors to a portrait, not even light can conceal...The message

I hunger aggressively in battle with the monster within, so I search scripture seeking redemption for all my sins. Lord, I am yours to reform, thy my guardian, my shield set on your foundation, my life you rebuild

No more running. No more hiding. No more altered ego to compete with, just eternal life in your presence. Free, and No More Secrets.

PREFACE

It is arguably true that most adolescent, hormone-driven males are not averse to masturbation, or scrumptiously viewing females getting undressed. The fact is, a person can graduate from those seemingly innocuous activities to committing such odious acts of sexual deviance as rape and abduction. This demands explanation. The actuality of the matter is the rapist, the lesbian, the homosexual, and the child molester are no different from those that engage in more socially acceptable acts of sexual deviance, because sexual deviance, or any type of deviance for that matter, stems from spiritual perversion by an external force. The severity of the resulting effect is usually exactly proportionate to the degree of the initial perversion. For instance, the boy who discovers pornographic material under his father's bed will likely develop a penchant for erotica at an early age; just as the girl who is raped as a child will likely either grow up to be a lesbian, wanton, or very uncomfortable with sexual activity, which are all forms or sexual deviance; and, as in the case of the rapist, the boy who is abruptly exposed to masturbation, hard-core pornography and sexual orgy all in one violently traumatizing experience will respond by exhibiting proportionately perverse physical and psychological behavior. The rapist's reaction is considered abnormal, and deplorable only because he was subjected to a form, and degree of molestation that is also abnormal and deplorable. As the exposure of young children to sexually suggestive themes via television, music, and movies, the accessibility of pornographic material to them, as well as the open condoning, and subtle encouragement of unbridled sexual activity by society at large have come to be viewed as normal. People who exhibit forms of sexual deviance that result from less severe cases of molestation, such as promiscuity, adultery, pornography addiction, sadism, masochism, and chronic masturbation, are also viewed as normal.

Many that are suffering from sexual addiction become discouraged, and ashamed of their inability to control their deviant behavior. They feel that there is no hope for them because their physical efforts to quell their sexual urges are ineffective. The purpose of this book is to let you know, and help you understand, that there is hope for you. The fact that you are reading this book indicates that you have taken the critical step in the journey to Salvation, and that is to seek Salvation. The much-overlooked truth is, in order to be delivered from sexual addiction, a spiritual disease, one must use a spiritual remedy.

INTRODUCTION

Secrets. We all have them. Some are small, like the candy bar you stole from the convenience store or the wild night that no one knows about. Those are the kinds of secrets that are harmless, at least that is what we were taught many times when our moms let us have something just as long as we didn't tell anyone or the times when our dads let us do something only after saying, This is between me and you. Those words taught us a lot. They said, If no one knows, it's not wrong. They said, If you keep quiet, it will go away. Early in life we adopt the attitude that gives birth to those words and start to keep secrets of our own. We eventually learn to distinguish between the different kinds of secrets. But what they didn't tell us is, regardless of how much we keep quiet about them, they never go away. They didn't tell us that, in fact, the longer we keep quiet about things, the greater the effect they have on our lives. And, then we find out on our own and realize that there is no such thing as a small secret. We come to find that making a habit of keeping secrets that are considered small leads to secrets that aren't so small, and the kind of secret that involves a candy bar is the same kind that ruined someone's marriage today, and sent someone to prison for life yesterday. It is the same kind of secret that Judas Iscariot kept that lead to the arrest and death of Jesus Christ over two thousand years ago. These are same kind that government officials keep that led to the deaths of millions just decades ago, the origin of the AIDS virus, the advent of crack cocaine, the cause of 9/11, the secrets that have shaped our lives and made us who we are. And it all started with a candy bar.

Now that we're experiencing the catastrophic effects of those major events, many people are beginning to wonder how and why they occurred, and how they can be prevented from reoccurring in the future. While people are exerting themselves in an effort to uncover those big secrets, they are neglecting another painful secret that is ravaging society: the biggest secret of all: sex addiction. Why is sex addiction the biggest secret? For one thing, it's a secret that we all share. It is the only secret that can't be consummated by the words, This is between me and you. This one is also between your boss and his secretary. It's between your teacher and her favorite student. It's between your football coach and a few of your teammates, and every person in the world who has ever thought, I wonder how that feels. They're in on it too; and, we're all suffering gravely from this secret. Only when we all break the silence that strengthens the destructive power of it and seek the aid of the Great Physician, will we be completely delivered from it.

When this book was written, it had been five years since Jesus Christ single-handedly delivered me from my oppressive secret. It is my prayer and belief that you too will choose to experience the healing power of Jesus Christ while reading this book. Let me forewarn you that this book does not teach, nor refer to, any 12 step program offered by a secular rehabilitation center. In this book, I use specific accounts of events that occurred in my life to illustrate the principles that are at work in the initial cause, cultivation, maturation, and finally, the conquering of sex addiction by the amazing healing power of Jesus Christ. Immediately following each account, is a chapter in which I elaborate on the principle set forth in the previous chapter, and explain why that principle applies to every human being by offering explanation in secular terms and supporting those explanations with lessons, and scriptures from the Word of God. (All Biblical scripture in this book are derived from the King James Bible.)

I believe that there are millions of men, women, and children whose life stories are similar to mine, who need to know and understand that their stories can't have a happy ending unless they allow Jesus Christ to write it. (Many people are chasing that happy ending, not knowing that they are running head first toward destruction.) Whether you are a corporate executive or a janitor, a student or a teacher, a prostitute or a pastor, this book was written for you. Your enemy, Satan, designed the sickness of sexual perversion to gradually and completely destroy you. Because you've had this secret sickness for so long, you now believe that there is no hope in finding help for you to be healed. That's a lie from Satan! Jesus Christ is your hope today because He specializes in things that are impossible for you to handle alone. Today is your day! Now is your time! Your hour has come, and your opportunity has arrived to be completely healed by the loving God who created you. You are not reading this book by happenstance. You did not pick up this book or receive this book from someone else by mistake. My friend, it is the will of God that you are holding this book in your hand today. God often sets appointments in our lives, sometimes for days away, and even years away. But when a God-appointed day in our lives arrives, we must take full advantage of that appointment because there might not be another one like it. I'm excited for you today, because I believe that you are about to experience Jesus Christ and His healing power just like many others did in the Word of God, and like I, myself did.

As a healed sex addict, I have been called by God to boldly be a voice for all sex addicted men, women, and children. There is a voice for people suffering from drug addiction, alcoholism, and many other types of addiction, but no one is publicly voicing the fact that vital help is needed for sex addicts. There are not enough commercials raising awareness of the need to address the threat that sex addiction poses to society and the sex addict. There are not enough agencies to educate our youth about being sexually addicted. There are not enough church initiatives addressing the causes and detriments of sexual deviance, and how it has crept into the church. Society has failed to acknowledge this issue for long enough! Jesus Christ said, Darkness cannot stay in the presence of light. That means when light comes, darkness must flee. (Bring your dark secrets to light and your dark addiction will flee.) Let's expose this dark silent addiction by bringing it to the light; and let's not expose it only to the world's light, but to that true light, Jesus Christ!

In this book I will share with you my experience with such sexually deviant behavior as molestation, masturbation, fornication, lust, pornography addiction, and psychological perversion to show you how it was only by the divine healing power of Jesus Christ that I was delivered from my perverted thinking and lifestyle. Please note that when the word molest and pervert are used throughout this text, they are not used according to the definitions by which they are commonly used. The word molest is usually used in reference to sexual abuse, but the word also has a more general definition, which is to tamper with something or someone in such a way that renders it perverse, or different from its natural or original state. The word pervert is usually used as a noun to refer to someone who exhibits strange sexual tendencies, but, in this book, the word is used as a verb meaning to bring something or someone into a state regarded as morally inferior, or reprehensible. It can also be noted that the reason these words have come to be so widely used in close association with sexual behavior is because, when applied to sexual contexts, the words take on a more flagrant form, and thus have become more expressive and useful in the specific area of sex.

I believe if there is only one thing in this book you can relate to, it would be the fact that there was real hope for me in Jesus Christ to be healed, in my most corrupt state, just as there is much hope for you, no matter how severe your addiction has become. I know about the demon of shame, and how it has gripped your life. For many years of my addicted life, shame imprisoned me. I understand how it feels to be ashamed of an ugly, demonic sickness. Shame will force you to go hide in a corner within yourself so that nobody will know the real you, the sex addict that you are. Shame makes you afraid to be you. You live your life with an identity that is not your own, because you feel if you tell people who you really are, you wouldn't be accepted. I know it's difficult being somebody else every day and wearing a mask. When I was sexually addicted, it was shame that prevented me from talking about my sex addiction and getting help. I was too ashamed to tell the people who loved me and believed in me that I was sexually addicted because I didn't want to hurt them and disappoint them. I believe you feel the same way too. Every subject that I discuss in this book has been derived from my personal experiences and studies. So, open up your heart and soul while you read this book, and allow the word of God and my personal experiences of being healed by Jesus Christ to minister healing to your spiritual sickness.

Finally, you must have faith in Jesus Christ that He alone is able to truly heal you. The Word of God says, Without faith, it is impossible to please God... In other words, God does not act on your doubts; He acts on faith alone. When Jesus Christ healed people in the Bible, over time, it was done by their faith in his ability to heal them. The same is true today. When Jesus Christ heals people today, it is always done by their faith in Him. My friend, faith is essential in accessing the healing power of Jesus Christ. With that said, let's begin your healing!

HOW TO READ THIS BOOK

This book has many purposes. It is meant to enlighten, to educate, persuade, but most of all, it is meant to bring about healing through the power of Jesus Christ. It is my prayer that you get the most from reading this book. To do so, you must:

*Take Notes. I strongly advise you to meditate frequently on what you read. Ask yourself questions like, What does this mean to me? How does this apply to me? How can this change my life for the better? Any time you have an important thought, write it down and refer to it later for further contemplation.

*Study the Bible. The King James Version Bible is the companion of this book. I strongly encourage you to look up the scriptures that are mentioned in the text as well as the recommended Bible readings and study them on your own. Spiritual growth is a personal experience, so it is important that you converse with God through His Word yourself, draw your own conclusions, and seek your own revelations.

*Be Honest with yourself. Don't allow your secrets to have any power over you. Acknowledge your shortcomings, address them, learn from them and improve yourself. Ignoring the things you are ashamed of will only worsen your condition.

*Meditate. In order to grow spiritually and attain enlightenment, you must engage in extended contemplation. Ask questions, reason with yourself, challenge long-established ideals. Steadfastly seek the truth of matters, and not just what sounds good or makes sense. What you arrive at as a result will allow you to achieve higher understanding.

BIBLE STUDY: FUN AND EASY

Many people struggle with reading the Bible regularly. They wonder why they feel so unmoved, underwhelmed, and bored by Bible reading. I'll tell you why: It's because you're reading the Bible and not studying it. I believe this is where most Christians fail at growing and becoming students of the Bible. You read books, newspapers, reports, and messages; but when it comes to God's Word, you have to study. And studying requires hours, not just a few minutes. Give God your time and your complete attention. Take notes. Ask God questions. Listen and wait for His answers or instructions. This approach is how you truly begin to get to know God and develop an intimate relationship with Him. But there's a certain way to do it. To get the most out of Bible study and establish a strong bond with God, follow these three simple steps:

*Pray. Before opening your Bible, you should pray for five things:

1. God's presence: Ask God to be with you to insure that you're not alone on your journey.

2. God's guidance: You need Him to guide you correctly through His Word so that you won't end up drifting aimlessly through the Bible.

3. God's understanding: You need His understanding, not your own.

4. God's voice: It is vital that you hear His voice so that you become familiar with it. There are many voices in the spiritual realm and Satan uses them to confuse and deceive you.

5. God's strength: This is valuable because Satan will play on your emotions. One of Satan's favorite tactics is making you feel too tired or too weak to study God's Word. Especially after a long day, Satan will use that as a weapon to keep you from feeding your soul.

*Memorize. This is the most overlooked area of Bible study, and it is usually because of laziness. But memorizing scriptures that stand out to you or the ones the Holy Spirit enlightens you on are very important to memorize. Because sooner or later, you will be placed in a situation where you will need to use those scriptures either as an offense or defense against Satan's temptation and deceptions. The only way for any Christian to be victorious against the wiles of the devil is to accurately memorize God's Word and use it effectively against the enemy. Also, you should not restrict yourself to memorizing one verse at a time. Focus on the message that you need to absorb into your spirit. If that message is found in a block of several scriptures, you should memorize all of them. There are many methods for the memorization of scripture. There is repetition by saying the scripture out loud over and over. There is also association. Associating Bible verses to other verses by subject or chapter and verse number is one way to do this. Associating Bible verses with things and ideas that are not in the Bible such as historical dates and personal ideas are also great ways to memorize. Above all, you should rely on the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit will provide you with wisdom on how best to accomplish your memorization goals. You must listen to his suggestions.

*Apply. You can't apply what you haven't memorized. Once you have memorized the Word of God, then it is your responsibility to apply what you have memorized to your life and in your spiritual battles against Satan. Also, when you apply God's Word in your life, your life becomes a message to others about who you believe and whose you are. You will become a living epistle and a true ambassador for Jesus Christ. This is how to do it: Once you gain understanding of the scripture, ask God to test you and give you an opportunity to apply what you have learned. Then, pay attention. Keep the scripture at the front of your mind all day so you'll be prepared when the test comes. When you pass the test, you will feel a sense of reward and victory. When you experience this, you will see that Bible study is easy and fun!

FIRST SECRET

A Different Game

You see, God is good all the time! And all the time, God is good! There is nobody as good as God. He is always there when you need Him. Can I get a witness up in here? I said, can I get a witness! my high-pitched voice bellowed, delivering a moving sermon in the church of my superhero-themed bedroom. I could almost hear the shouts of praise and approval from my vast congregation of faithful, wall-hanging celebrities. I was suddenly interrupted by the low sound of snickering coming from behind me. I turned and there at the doorway stood my mother, smiling as I stood in the middle of my bedroom floor wearing an Evil Knievel costume, cape in one hand and Bible in the other as I faced all the poster images in my room.

Go ahead, baby, preach! Tell it like it is! my mother shouted between laughs. I was deeply embarrassed.

Why did you stop, baby? I was enjoying that.

How long have you been standing there, Mama? I asked.

Long enough to see that my baby is gonna be a preacher when he grows up, she said with doting adoration.

I'm already a preacher, I declared indignantly.

But, baby, she continued teasingly. What do you know about the Lord?

I know He's good all the time, I replied, causing my mother to double over in tearful laughter.

Amen, baby, she said. Amen.

In her eyes I could see the ill-disguised pride of a mother rejoicing at the sight of her son so readily embracing the church which, because of her taking me so frequently, had left such a deep impression on me that I had made a game of mimicking the sermons of my mother's favorite pastor with my wall poster celebrities as the audience. The demagogue-like authority and reverence-inspiring dignity that I witnessed the pastor exhibit caused me to dream of being like him. He knew so much about this mysterious figure called Jesus. I dreamed of leading my own church someday. But for the time being, I was content with playing the pastor in the tabernacle of my bedroom. It was by far my favorite game.

Get dressed, Jairus Douglas, my mother ordered. I'm taking you to Ms. Wilson's house to hang out with her kids while I go out with my friends. Don't you want to hang out at Ms. Wilson's house again?

Yes, Ma'am! I answered excitedly, anxious to partake in the fun that was waiting in the sunny streets of my neighborhood. I celebrated as I hurriedly prepared to leave.

It was the summer of 1976, a wonderful time to live in Birmingham, Alabama. For just the cost of a loaf of bread one could overindulge in the thrills that were offered at the Walter Jones Amusement Park. For virtually nothing one could enjoy a wide array of amusing attractions at the Parker's World Arena; and every kid yearned for a chance to ride the Yellow Duck ride that sat on the roof of Kessler's Department Store. Everyone slept with their front doors unlocked and their windows wide open because there was very little crime. Jobs were easy to find and everyone seemed to be prospering, yet no one was too proud to ask a neighbor for a bag of sugar and no one hesitated to oblige when they themselves were asked. Given that advanced digital technology wasn't as widely used as today, people forged more intimate relationships because social interaction was one of the only forms of entertainment we had. Social gatherings were especially popular in my neighborhood, to which my mother would always be invited. There, she would enjoy listening to the sounds of rhythm and blues being played and sung, complete with laughing, drinking, dancing, and gossiping. It was one of these gatherings to which my mother was going to spend the day, which required her, a single mother with few resources, to make arrangements for me to have a place to go hang out free of charge. For the past few Saturdays my mother had dropped me off at Ms. Wilson's house. All I knew was merriment and games. I had come to look forward to my weekly visits to that household everyday with great anticipation; and, this day was no different.

It was indeed a Saturday just like any other. Mother and I followed our long established routine of waking up early, her preparing breakfast while I got dressed, and us eating breakfast together. Then she prepared for the day while I watched Saturday morning television programming until she was ready to leave. We climbed into her tan colored, boat-like Oldsmobile Cutlass and made the fifteen- minute drive to Ms. Wilson's home. When we arrived and knocked on the front door, we were greeted by Valerie, Ms. Wilson's daughter.

Valerie was a very beautiful young lady. At a time when most teenage girls her age were just beginning to develop physically and socially, she already had the shapeliness and sophistication of a runway model/society matron. With her light ebony colored, smooth skin tone and dark brown, flowing mane of silk hair, she was every adolescent boy's dream; and, she knew it.

Hey, Ms. Douglas! How are you? she cordially greeted my mother, seeming elated to see us.

I'm fine, baby. Look at you, just as pretty as you want to be! my mother exclaimed.

Heeey, Jaaiirruus, Valerie sang in a playfully flirtatious tone.

Hey, Valerie, I bashfully muttered as I felt my cheeks blush. I remember being glad to be as dark as I was at that moment because, otherwise, my mother and Valerie would have seen me turn as red as a sanguine rose. Valerie knew I had a crush on her and loved to tease me.

Mama will be out in just a minute, Valerie said as she directed my mother and me to the well-kept living room where Ricky, Ms. Wilson's son and Valerie's brother, sat watching television.

Hey, Ms. Douglas, Ricky politely greeted.

Hey, Ricky. Have you been good, boy?

Yes, ma'am, Ricky answered in an angel-like voice. I could almost see his nose growing. Ricky was a far cry from what most people would consider a good boy. Ricky viewed the world as one big playground, in which he was behooved to break every rule he could find. His was an attitude that was unknowingly nurtured by his mother, who was extremely mild-mannered and forbearing. As a result, she took a very passive and tolerant approach to rearing her children, giving them liberty to do virtually whatever they wanted as long as they didn't embarrass her in front of company and strangers. This unspoken agreement taught them to be very sneaky and secretive. They had no respect for her or for any kind of rule and discipline. In this respect, I was their polar opposite. My mother was loving but very strict. Anytime I exhibited less than dignified conduct, she very rarely spared the rod with me or any other child that misbehaved in her presence. Ricky knew this about my mother which is why he always showed the utmost level of respect toward her. But, out of my mother's presence, Ricky was a very unruly and mischievous boy. Our differences notwithstanding, though, when Ricky and I first met, we immediately established a bond as we had many things in common. We both loved sports and we were extremely competitive. In every game Ricky and I played, I found a worthy competitor in him; and, anytime he confronted me with a challenge, I was determined to outdo him. It was because of this that I came to so greatly appreciate those weekend visits. But on this particular visit, something would occur that would redirect the course of my entire life.

Eunice, you ready yet? my mother called to Ms. Wilson.

Come on girl! And young lady and gentlemen, bedtime is twelve o'clock, okay? I left some money on the table just in case you wanted to order out. We overheard Ms. Wilson rattling off instructions to Valerie as they were making their way down the corridor that led to the living room.

Hey, Catherine, Ms. Wilson greeted my mother when she reached the living room. I'm ready. Now you make yourself right home, Jairus. If you want anything, you don't have to ask; just get it. Have fun, Ms. Wilson said in her characteristic motherly voice.

While still sitting, my mother leaned down to hug me and whispered in my ear, I love you, baby. Have fun and be good, then stood and led Ms. Wilson out of the door. After I heard the muffled sound of the doors of my mother's Buick opening and closing, the sputtering of the engine igniting, and the decreasing volume of the engine as the car slowly rode down the street, Valerie sashayed past Ricky and me toward the front door.

I'll be right back, she said without looking back, and out of the door closing it gently behind her. Once the door closed, and the absence of supervision set in, I noticed a dramatic shift in the atmosphere. I readied myself for hours of unbridled fun.

So what's hap'ning, Jairus? Ricky greeted.

Nothing much. So what do you want to do? I asked, trying to suppress my eagerness.

Wait right here, Ricky said with a glowing grin as he turned off the T.V. then capered out of the living room and down the corridor leading to his room. I couldn't imagine what he was going to come back with. (Usually we would jump right into the usual games.)

He must be going to get a different game, I thought to myself.

Minutes later, Ricky reappeared carrying a handful of magazines. Comics? I excitedly asked. Without answering my question, Ricky sat down on the couch and spread the magazines out so that their covers were displayed. When I finally got a close view of them, it took a few seconds for me to realize that they weren't comic books at all. The covers were plastered with pictures of stark-naked women, images that my immature mind could not easily comprehend. Ricky seemed very excited as he browsed through the magazines. As for me, I didn't know what I felt. A part of me was numb by what I was seeing, while another part of me was perplexed by the game he had just introduced to me. I was so shocked, I couldn't take my eyes off of the pages. (The only rule this game had, was to keep it a secret.) I finally took my eyes off the pages to see why Ricky was so quiet.

What are you doing? I asked, trying my best not to sound outraged, out of fear of what Ricky might think.

Just follow suit and do what I do, Ricky coached.

Nervously, I did, I played the game. And in that instant, my soul and my mind was infected with an uncontrollable diabolical addiction that would later manipulate the course of my destiny in life. After we played this different kind of game, our attention was finally diverted elsewhere. Ricky decided he'd had enough of that and said he had another great game for us to play. With that, he left the room. I didn't know for sure where he'd gone until I heard him call.

Down here, Jairus, Ricky called for me to join him in the finished basement of the home. The excitement I had when I first arrived was replaced by an unshakable apprehension of what game Ricky wanted to play next. When I reached the recreation room, I found Ricky casually playing pool. Best two out of three? Or, are you scared to take on the champ? he said, showing his big glowing grin. Later that evening, while Ricky and I were playing pool and exchanging taunts, we heard footsteps sounding through the roof of the basement.

That's Valerie and Jessica. C'mon, Ricky said.

Who is Jessica? I asked.

She's my cousin. She's going to be staying with us for the rest of the summer. When we got to the top of the stairs, Valerie was walking past us down the corridor.

Come say hey to Jessica, Ricky, she said.

Unpacking a suitcase was a light complexion teenage girl with jet black shoulder-length hair bound in a ponytail and horn-rimmed glasses resting on a full sized nose. She was dressed in shorts and a cool, cotton blouse. She looked, to me, to be the same age as Valerie

W's up, Jessica! Ricky yelled as he wrestled Jessica in a hug.

Hey, Ricky, Jessica said as she laughed at Ricky's liveliness, revealing a mouth full of braces.

This is my buddy, Jairus. Jairus, this is Jessica, he introduced us.

Hey! I cheerfully greeted. Jessica returned my greeting with an off-handed nod. Her less-than cordial gesture quashed my cheeriness.

Hey, y'all, let's go outside, Ricky said, breaking the awkward silence.

Okay! I eagerly said, appreciating the opportunity to finally have some real fun.

I need to finish unpacking, Jessica said.

You coming Valerie?" asked Ricky.

No, I'm going to take a shower and cook.

I'll shower after you, Jessica said.

No, you can use the bathroom in the hallway. I'll use the one in Mama's room. Ricky, Jairus, don't go too far. Call you when dinner's ready. Upon hearing that, Ricky and I dashed through the house and out of the front door.

Ricky's neighborhood was a restless adolescent's paradise. The street was teeming with teens, and lots of things to do. On one corner was a group of boys playing basketball; on another was a group of girls playing hopscotch and hula-hooping. Down the street was another clique of girls styling each other's hair and gossiping. Some boys from the group I was playing with suggested that we play a game of baseball, to which Ricky and I happily consented.

Hey, Jairus, will you get the baseball gloves? Ricky asked.

Sure, where are they?

In the basement by the pool table, Ricky instructed.

I sprinted up the street to Ricky's house, burst through the front door, almost falling down the stairs, and dashed to the pool table. The gloves were nowhere in sight. I decided to look in Ricky's room, where I still couldn't find the gloves. I went to Valerie's room to ask her if she knew where the gloves might be. I found Valerie sitting on the edge of her bed wearing only her shower robe.

Oh, sorry, I said, and quickly backed out of the room. As I was speed walking towards the front door, eager to get to the baseball game, she called me back.

Wait, Jairus, she said.

I stopped at the front door. Yes! I said, anticipating her response.

Come here for a minute.

Grudgingly, I ran back to her room, and never taking my eyes off the floor, impatiently said, W's up? What is it?

You don't have to leave, Jairus, she said

Me and Ricky are about to play baseball. The team is waiting for me, I protested.

I allowed my eyes to wander the room. I noticed a collection of Valerie's swimsuit modeling photos in which she was displaying sexually suggestive poses. These were juxtaposed in the shape of a heart. On the wall across from us was a life-sized poster of James Brown donning a white spandex full body jumpsuit and wearing a belt with the word SEX spelled in large letters made from sequins. My attention was suddenly captured by a girl's shriek of excitement that came through the open window of Valerie's room facing the street. I continued to listen to the sounds of people playing games. I heard bickering over who had been deemed the winner of a race. I heard laughter. The sounds made me feel forlorn, as I was excluded from the fun that was taking place outside.

Soon, Ricky came back to the house.

What took you so long? he asked me. Why didn't you come back? What happened?

Nothing, I said, not sure of how Ricky would feel about my delay.

There's a baseball game going on out front. Do you want to play?

Yeah, let's go! I said gladly. Ricky and I played baseball in the neighborhood until it was too dark to see. Eventually, Valerie called to us from the house to come in to a ravaged living room, torn apart by a pillow fight between the girls, to eat a dinner which consisted of burgers, French fries, and grape Kool-Aid. After loading our plates and pouring our Kool-Aid, we all gathered around the television in the seemingly hurricane-swept living room and ate. Jessica sat by me.

Ooooh, Jessica likes Jairus. Jessica likes Jairus, Ricky said sing-songly.

No, I don't! Don't say that, boy! Jessica yelled.

Yes you do. You know that's your husband, Ricky teased.

When we finished eating, it was very late. Valerie stood up, stretched, yawned, and sleepily said, I'm going to bed. Jairus, you can sleep in Ricky's room. Ricky, you sleep in Mama's room, and Jessica, you can sleep with me.

Okay, I'll be there in a minute, Jessica said.

Ricky, half asleep already, stumbled out of the living room and down the corridor shortly after Valerie left to her room. I lay sprawled on the floor dozing off in front of the television. Before I realized I was asleep, the need to urinate awoke me. As I got up to walk to the bathroom, I noticed Jessica asleep on the couch. When I finished relieving myself and left the bathroom, I felt a hand grab mine. It was Jessica. She led me down the dark corridor into Ricky's room and closed the door. And there, she taught me to play a different game.

The next morning, I lay on the floor of the living room, where the sound of heavy footsteps and my mother's voice startled me. I leapt up, terrified of what my mother may conclude if she saw me lying with Jessica. I felt like my sins of the previous night were written on my face. I quickly looked around. The body that was lying fast asleep feet away from me was not Jessica's. It was Ricky. The living room was tidy and clean, a far cry from the disheveled mess that it was the night before.

Hey, Mama, a neatly dressed and groomed Valerie greeted Ms. Wilson.

Ricky awoke with a gentle yawn. Sitting on the couch, polite and well-behaved was Jessica. I looked at Valerie. She gave me a look with a well-concealed message that said, don't say anything about what happened. She was reminding me of the only rule to the game. Keep it a secret. Just go along with us. I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

You ready to go, baby? my mother asked sweetly.

Yes, ma'am, I said. I followed the lead of the others, though awkwardly, assuming the air of innocence they so effortlessly exhibited. After bidding farewell to everyone, I followed my mother out to the car.

Did you have good time, baby? my mother asked as we entered the Buick.

Yes, I answered, though I wasn't quite sure.

I dared not tell my mother about what had happened. This was for several reasons; mainly out of fear of how my mother would react. I was scared for my sake as well as the sakes of Ms. Wilson and her kids. I knew that the strength of my mother's love for me was such that she would have literally killed that whole family for what Ricky, Valerie and Jessica had done to me. I also knew that my mother held me in very high regard and I relished the feeling of making her proud. I could not stand the expression of grief and disappointment that would have been on my mother's face if I were to tell her of what happened. I didn't want her to view me differently.

That fateful day was the opening of a floodtide of sexually deviant activity. I had lost my innocence.

Jairus, are you ready to go to Ms. Wilson's house? my mother asked, weeks having gone by since the first life-changing incident.

Yes ma'am, I answered eagerly. I'm ready.

Well, come on, boy. Let's go. I'm late already.

As we entered the Buick, my mother wore a look of puzzlement as if she suddenly had realized something.

I noticed I don't hear you in that room whooping and hollering and carrying on, preaching like you used to, she said casually. Why don't you play preacher anymore?

I don't know, I said.

It was one of the first times I lied to my mother. I knew exactly the answer to her question. I had then come to greatly anticipate my weekly visits to Ms. Wilson's house much more than my visits to church. Every weekend for two years I enjoyed the company of Ricky, Valerie, and Jessica much more than the pastoral game that I'd played before. While our peers were outdoors playing normal games, Ricky, Valerie, Jessica and I were in the house playing a different game. It was a game of lust; and eventually, it would become my primary motivation. I had always felt that there was something strange about that day. As I got older, I grew to disregard the significance of it, pushing it far back into the recesses of my mind, but occasionally I would wonder about the events that occurred that day. Why did Ricky, Valerie and Jessica choose to work as a team to expose me to sexual abuse? And why did it all happen in one day, as if it was orchestrated? Did they conspire against me to rob me of my innocence? Or, even scarier, was it orchestrated by someone else? Yes, my life was definitely changed forever.

THE LESSON

A Thief in the Night: The True Cause of Sex Addiction

I didn't realize it at the time, but on those weekend visits to Ricky's home, I was being