Dua Istikhara

Dua Istikhara

Dua Istikhara - Dennis M. Harrell

Room Temperture

Growing up with Basketball

Addiction

September 2015

New Year (2016)

15 K on one night

New Friends New Crib

June 2016

Temporary Normal Life

Travel the World with almost no Money

Going Towards World(th)

Day 2

Escaping from the System

Serbia, Belgrade

Bulgaria, Sofia

Sell me that Pen

Preparing for the next Destination

Turkey, Istanbul

The Asian Part of Turkey

Nothing goes as Planned

Changing your Mind

Dangerous Territory’s

Mardin, Turkey

Converting to Islam

Dua Istikhara

Duaa Istikhara

Crossing New Borders

From Erbil to Bagdad

A whole week in Bagdad

Dua Istikhara Answered

Blindfolded with Handcuffs

4 walls without daylight

Exploring Your Own Mind

Investigation and Torture

After a week in Prison

Meeting new People

Semi freedom

Put on the Prison clothes

The Wardens Office

I.N.I.S instead of ISIS

I wrote…

Therapy or Hobby

Another 3 days

You’ve made good friends in Baghdad

Final Destination?

English

العربية

الإنجليزية

Arabic

الدعاء

Copyright

Dua Istikhara - Dennis M. Harrell

Dua istikhara

by

Dennis Harrell

This story is based on true events.

Names have been changed in order to

Protect the privacy and safety of all concerned

The room temperture was indeferent; therefore the fan that was placed on the wall was unnecessarily blowing dust through out the space I was in. I had to jump to reach a string that was attached to the fan. After the first time I pulled it, the fan was blowing even more dust down to my face. After the second pull the fan stopped blowing dust and it became a bit more silent, almost so quiete that you could hear the neon light tube next to the fan, wich was necessary in order to see, as there were no windows that would let any daylight from outside enter.

I placed my pants in the corner and folded my shirt into a pillow, just to not directly lie on the floor. As I could only stare at a yellow uniform, 3 stale walls and a damaged metal door the light also became uneccesary and later on even anoying. But unlike the fan, I wasn’t able to turn it on or off. There was no light switch, no on/off, no doornob to open/close and no other decisions for me to make. But there where big decisions that Ive made throuout my life that had led me to this place.

A place: - where a set of neccessary rules, are diminishing the freedoms I’ve once had.

- Where repeatedly unawnsered questions like how long do I have to stay here? narrowed down the communication rapidly.

- Where sticking out my arm through a small gap of the damaged metal door simply means: I need to use the bathroom.

- Where waiting for the next bottle of water or slice of bread became unfortunatly a highlight.

Out of all the places in the world the odds of me, being left alone with my own thoughts, in a place like this is actually zero! But just like many things in my life, I also messed up that stat.

I guess I started to derail from the right path in September 2015… but it wasn’t really a crash, it happened quietly and step by step. I was 23 and life was actually good, at least on the surface.

Because only 3 years later I ended up talking to myself and I was asking myself, how did I end up in here? How did I put myself in a Situation like this?

I wanted to give myself an honest answer to this question, so I decided to explore my mind.

And I started at the beginning; I wanted to think back to the first point of my life, where I could remember anything. The youngest moment of my life…

…I realised I have never done that up until this moment. The youngest moment of my life I remembered, I was 3 or maybe 4 years old and was getting ready for kinder garden. I was crying because my favourite shoes didn’t fit anymore.

After thinking about this moment, trying to imagine as much as possible, I could roughly see the Jordan shoes that became to small for me or our oranged colored apartment door. I also remember racing up the stairs with my dad, laughing while only taking one step at a time and the right foor always ahead as the left one followed, all the way up to the 3rd floor.

I drifted of thinking about all the other apartments we used to live in. Because we lived in many different ones, besides moving many times my parents divorced when I was 9 and my dad moved even more. By the time I was 16 I lived proabably in 20 different apartments as me and my older brother spend the weekends with my father.

Many other things besides apartments changed during that time but Basketball always seemed to remain the same.

Growing up with Basketball

When I grew up I always wanted to be a Professional Basketball Player, my Idol from the beginning was Kobe Bryant. To whom I have some similarities growing up. His father, American moved Overseas to Italy where Kobe grew up and watched his father play basketball and fell in love with the game.

Although my father wasn’t a professional Basketball Player and he moved to Germany, I still looked up to him and watched him play. I fell in love with the game from the moment he put the ball in my hands, picked me up, carried me on his shoulders and stepped in front of the basket so I could shoot.

Having an Afro, growing up in Europe and loving the game of Basketball are probably the only things me and Kobe have in common. Because unlike him I didn’t moved back to the U.S. and I also never became a professional Basketball Player.

Instead I’ve worked for a professional Basketball Club being a part of the medical staff.

In the beginning I loved my Job, because this was the closest I could get as being a pro Basketball Player. I’ve travelled with the team all across Europe: Cities like Madrid, Athens, Istanbul and Moskau by Bus and by Plane from one 4 star Hotel to the next, from one Arena to the next and I always had first row seats to every game. I basically lived the life of a Basketball Player even though I didn’t play.

During the season there was not a lot of time for family and friends because there was basically no off days. No weekends or Sundays or any other holidays because on those days in all Professional Sports it is the Main time to work.

So during every Season, your Team basically becomes your family and friends because you see them everyday. You travel with them have breakfast, lunch and dinner with them, PR events and practice.

Eventually we had off days too, some guys spent time with their families and some went out partying. I was 19 during my first season so you can guess what I did.

The first 2 Seasons we Celebrated 2 Championships time flew by as I enjoyed my work and the off days. But after a while, like most things in life, things change and all of a sudden my Job wasn’t so exciting like in the beginning.

Over time I realised the next roadtrip won’t be so nice, even though the destination was Barcelona. Knowing I won’t be able to actually see the city of Barcelona. The truth was only the Airport, a 15 minute Busride to a 4 Star Hotel and the Arena we’ve practice and play in.

Yes overtime I think you can say I started to see more and more work then adventure at my Job. Instead of the first row tickets, I now saw the Locker Room and a Lot of sweetie Towels and Jerseys that had to be washed.

I was no longer exited about any game, trip or city view from another Hotel room during holidays. I rather wanted to spend more time with my family or friends. Today I know that wasn’t really the case because no matter where I was, I always wanted to be somewhere else. Being with my family, always seemed like catching up with all of our family problems.

Just like in every family, there are problems. Divorces, fights, family members in jail, family members that don’t talk to each other anymore an endless list of problems I didn’t wanted to be confronted with.

So I sometimes, even If I could see my family, I choose not to and escaped into the nightlife.

That was the place were I could escape from work, family problems and even myself.

During this time, without realising it the wrong things became more and more important for me.

What clothes am I wearing, what shoes or what kind of watch. Only superficial and material things were important for me and I lived only in the moment.

But just like my Job, at the beginning I enjoyed everything about the nightlife. Every Club, the VIP lounges and every single Champagne Bottle I’ve drunk. On and off relationships faded away quicker then my paychecks. I was addicted and I needed to top every night, over and over again.

Wich I did but unfortunatly it wasn’t concurrent with my salary. But Instead of adjusting my lifestyle I adjusted my Income. I did that by playing poker and because I was so good it didn’t take long before it became my main thing.

Back then I told myself Poker is not bad for me, it is good because it keeps me away from Partying, starting meaningless relationships and Drinking Alcohol.

But today I know I just escaped into a different nightlife that can be even more dangerous.

Addiction

I think Addiction is a very effective vehicle that can be used to escape from … whatever you should probably be dealing with.

During my life I’ve had more situations were I was addicted to something but of course I’ve never called it an addiction.

For Example from the age of 3 until 14 the most important thing for me was basketball. But either me or anybody else would’ve called me addicted. I would say I had a passion for the Game. And that’s because it’s normal, kids play sports and except injuries it doesn’t have any negative outcome if you’re passionate about sports.Same rules apply for music, either making it or listening to it. Today I would disagree that there isn’t any negative outcome.

Another example would be from 14 to 16 my main thing was playing video games. Today I would say I was addicted because there were days were I only played, ate and slept at the time. And I would call it an addiction because there are a lot of negative outcomes if you lose yourself in this addiction.

From 16 to 18 I was very ambitious and addicted in becoming good at whatever I do. I tryied to find a good Job and also the right Job. During that time I had multiple Jobs, some of them paid money some of them didnt. Going through medical school and working multiple jobs at the same time, I was proably never more focused looking back.

From 19 to 21 I would say I was addicted to my Job. But I wouldn’t call it that today because except spending a bit less time with family, there aren’t really any negative things that will happen to you if you devote your time and energy to your Job.

With 22 I was addicted to partying, alcohol and women all things that seemed good and felt good at the time but looking back this lifestyle had an overall negative outcome on my life.

It produced negative feelings and emotions that led to negative thoughts and eventually to depressions.

With 23 I was addicted to Poker and even though I was making a lot of money and was able to afford the previous lifestyle or the lifestyle that is fakely presented to us on TV or Social Media. It was again only good on the surface and because of that much more dangerous as it had a huge and negative influence on my life.

I created negative habits; I’ve paid a 35€ dinner with a 50€ bill and happily said keep the change. Or on standard payed 20€ for a Cab ride that only cost 12€ because I liked the driver that would take me to the casino every day. Money didn’t matter to me at all.

Before I used to have 1000 € every month available as my apartment and car was paid by the team.

With Poker I could make that kind of money on a 12 hour cash game session.

So the money was good, really good and because of that…

… and other reasons I decided to quit my Job.

I was 23 and left Germany to move to Czech Republic and Play Poker.

But that was not what I told my family and friends, I told everyone I had a new Job in Czech Republic. I didn’t mention anything about my depressions and that I was basically only escaping from my negative emotions/feelings that I created over the years while the surface looked fine.

I would call this the first big step towards derailing from the tracks, which was initialized years before. And that is why I choose this as a starting point to tell you my story.

September 2015

At this time I started a new life, a new chapter but It wasn’t good because I started it with a big lie. Like I said before nobody knew what I was really doing in Czech Republic and my goal was to keep it that way.

And that wasn’t really that hard, nobody knows what you’re really doing all day. People only know your status on Facebook or your last Story on Instagram. That’s why it was no problem to keep that secret to myself.

So in the Beginning, like always I felt good, I was Independent on my own. But the truth is I was just selfish. I only thought about myself and did whatever I wanted to do.

And at the beginning I started with a little over 3000€ and all I wanted to do is play and build up my bankroll.

I played everyday 12- 16 hour non-stop, I was hooked, trying to stack up, hand after hand and I did.

I felt like I was 16 again, it was a mixed feeling, because I was playing a lot of course but also It was the transition time were I started to get focused and I tried to become good at what im doing. And I did become good, so good that I made a lot of easy money day by day building up my bankroll to over 70K in less then 3 months.

New Year (2016)

But after a while things changed and my focus faded and distractions kept adding up.

I never had so much money in my life but it felt like I couldn’t really do anything with it.

Not enough to by a house, even a new car would just wreck my Bankroll.

So I decided only to purchase small things, and spent my money in restaurants because I wanted to eat good every day. That was the only luxury I allowed myself to have. But after a while it got boring and I missed something.

Back then I thought I would miss Partying with Champagne and Pretty Girls. But today I know It was my family and friends that I’ve missed back home.

Looking back while I was building my bankroll, playing 12- 16 hours everyday it has gotten very lonely.

During this whole time playing you have to imagine, you sit down with people that are not really the average people you like to hang out with.

I call them Casino Zombies, drug dealers or addicts, people with huge depth trying to chase break even. It is a constant war because people don’t like you if you win, because that means your winning their money. While I was winning money, I didn’t realise that I was losing my way, day after day.

So at New Years Eve I decided to celebrate in Prague and stay in Czech Republic instead of going home and visit my family and friends.

And even today I would recommend to you to Celebrate New Years Eve in the Golden City.

But not alone, not all by yourself with a lot of money trying to kill the feeling of being lonely.

I had a great time that night but it wasn’t good for me at all because it was an overdose of partying and women. And they killed my feeling of being lonely and that is why I started to shift my focus once again.

I’ve played less only 6-8 hours a day, made only a little less money per day but that didn’t really matter because my bankroll was still solid. But it didn’t took long were I didn’t just played less; I also started playing poorly and started losing money.

15 K on one night

It started to become really bad, when I lost 15 K on one night. It wasn’t in a casino, it was in a private cash game were the Buy In was 5K a stack instead of the usual 200€ or 500€ stack.

On that night I can remember I actually didn’t played poorly, I was very focus because the stackes were very high but I just had bad luck on that night and lost 3 stacks in a row.

I would’ve lost more but I only had 15K in my Backpack with me on that night.

Back at the hotel I was crushed but not broke, I slept or just laid in bed for almost 3 days like an embryo thinking about what I would do with the rest of my money.

I still had a little over 40 K left but I didn’t played for another 2 weeks. In that time I started with boxing. Something I always wanted to do and learn. The first day I felt very old because I was out of shape and I never felt my lunges burning like this before.

But then at the same time I felt young again just like when I played and enjoyed basketball.

The short break was good for me but eventually I started playing again and at the beginning everything went well again. But over the course of 3 months my bankroll slowly faded, page after page down to 3K.

I say page after page because I always kept my money in a book where I had 1K tucked in every page. Counting pages instead of single bills made it easy to keep track. But all the bad habits I’ve developed, how I spended money, the partying and women led to a quick crush in my bankroll.

Surprisingly I didn’t go broke, I was more alert and more focused and stopped with the women and partying because I needed the money to play. Back then I didn’t saw this as an addictive behaviour but today I know that I was just more addicted to gambling then I was to Partying.

New Friends New Crib

During this time I’ve also meet players in the casino. Back then I would’ve said most people lose, a small percentage of players win. Today I would say everybody loses. If it’s not your money then it is defiantly your time, time with your family or friends.

I’ve made some New friends those were the ones who didn’t lose, the solid or good poker players.

It was the players that I respected because they did the same thing that I did. They played to make money, not for fun. One of the guys’s said I’m playing for Bred.

I actually wasn’t playing and I wasn’t making money for anything. I was basically just living like a wild animal doing whatever seemed to be good at the present.

And surrounding me with new friends was good for me at the time I thought.

We even moved in together, shared a crib and started doing everything together. Even though we were all winning at the game and making a lot of money none of us actually had a lot of money.

It was me with barely 2K left.

There was B who still had about 600€ in his online account and a little more than that in cash. He was by far the best player out of us 3. A Math machine that always makes the right play and chooses the correct spot’s to gamble. Not much luck is needed in his game. He’s Mongolian but grew up in Germany and had similar background like me, also a Basketball player. One of the reasons we’ve got along so quick and easy, but there were many more things why we became and stayed good friends. He also wanted to escape from his life in Germany but he didn’t know were to go or how to start so I offered him to move in with me.

And then there was Mo, He’s Lebanese but grew up in Berlin, he was a fearless gambler, never afraid to go All In. It was his biggest strength but also his biggest weakness, because he didn’t care if he would lose his money and