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    The Funny Life of Pets
    The Funny Life of Pets
    The Funny Life of Pets
    Ebook369 pages1 hour

    The Funny Life of Pets

    By James Campbell and Rob Jones

    5/5

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    About this ebook

    A hilarious book from bestselling author and stand-up comic James Campbell, who has visited over 3,000 primary schools to tell stories and encourage children to write their own.

    Uncover the sidesplitting life of cucumber scaredy-cats, non-stop pooping hamsters, exploding fish and everything in-between (and some things that have nothing to do with pets but are still ridiculously funny). This hilarious book answers all the big questions, like: do sausage dogs eat sausages? Why has my cat done a poo behind my wardrobe? And how can I persuade my parents to get me a pet? For real-life pet facts, imaginary stories, and a generally laugh-so-hard-snot-comes-out-your-nose read, this is the only pet book you'll ever need!

    Written by the outstanding children's comedian James Campbell, prepare yourself for The Funny Life of Pets! But be WARNED – this IS NOT a normal book…You read a normal book by starting on page one and reading to the end (BORING). You can read this book forwards, backwards, sideways, and in approximately 861,000 different ways in-between.

    This is a book with outrageous facts, hilarious jokes, insanely funny online videos and brilliant stories all about pets, the author, and all sorts of other things.

    WARNING: Anything you think you might have learned from this book might not be very accurate so should not be used in a school project or as part of homework. Unless of course, you are made of stardust and are as brave as sunshine.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherBloomsbury Publishing
    Release dateMay 2, 2019
    ISBN9781526614308
    The Funny Life of Pets
    Author

    James Campbell

    James Campbell decided to be a writer when he was seven, once he had decided that he could not be a duck. James travels around primary schools telling stories and encouraging children to write their own stuff. He lives in an off-grid farm in a field between Colchester and Ipswich and is passionate about demystifying the importance of saving the planet for children - while making them laugh too!

    Read more from James Campbell

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      Book preview

      The Funny Life of Pets - James Campbell

      Praise for The Funny Life of Pets

      ‘I enjoyed every bit of it. I think that anyone who reads it will laugh their socks off (much like I did). I really enjoyed the bit about begging and emotional blackmail. I hope that you will continue writing books.’

      Emma, aged 10

      ‘It’s great. Very, very funny. Will there be another? I showed it to Ned and Thomas at school and they want a copy too.’

      Arlo, aged 11

      ‘Deliciously delightful. Superbly epic and funnier than any other book I’ve read.’

      Ethan, aged 9

      ‘I loved The Funny Life of Pets. It’s funny AND sarcastic’

      Noah, aged 9

      For Daphne - James Campbell

      For my niece and nephew, Olivia and Alfie x - Rob Jones

      Read this before you dare go any further . . .

      Anything you think you might learn from this book might not be very accurate so should not be used in a school project or as part of your homework. Unless, of course, you are made of stardust and are as brave as sunshine.

      WHAT SORT OF BOOK IS THIS?

      This is NOT a normal book. Not normal at all.

      This is not a fact book as such. You won’t find much practical information in here. If you’re looking for proper, school-like stuff about pets then put this book down immediately and run away screaming. If it’s practical information you really want, I can recommend the following books:

      This book is for four types of people:

      1. P eople who have a pet and like reading about how f unny they are.

      2. P eople who don’t have any pets but would really like one, two, three or more.

      3. P eople who used to have a pet which has now ‘gone somewhere else’. This book may stop you from feeling sad about it. Or make it worse.

      4. P eople who don’t have any pets, never had any, don’t want any, don’t care a rotten banana about them BUT like laughing and giggling until their head falls off and they turn into a donkey. Which is also a pet!

      You don’t read this book like a normal book, by starting here and then reading all the other pages in the right order.

      BORING!

      You can read this book forwards, backwards, sidewards and in approximately 861,000 different ways. On most pages you will find choices on signposts. To choose a path just turn to the page it says.

      Some choices have signposts to tell you where to go next. Some pages have ‘back’ signposts, which tell you how to get back to where you came from. Sometimes there is more than one ‘back’ signpost because there is more than one way to get to the page that you’re on. When this happens you can either choose to go back to where you actually came from or go back to somewhere you’ve never been before.

      How often do you get to do that?

      A warning about facts

      Occasionally, this book will give you some actual facts.

      You have to be careful with facts. Facts change all the time. In 20 years’ time when you give this book to your own children, half of the facts in this book will be wrong. However, all of the fictional things in this book will still be true until the Moon gets bored and goes somewhere else.

      Beginning page

      Congratulations! You have arrived at the beginning of the book. Decide which chapter you would like to start with. Remember: there is no right or wrong order to read this book!

      Getting a pet

      Feeding a pet

      Pet toilet behaviour

      Playing with pets

      Trouble with pets

      Dogs

      Cats

      Hamsters

      Guinea pigs

      Ponies

      Goldfish

      Imaginary Pets

      Relocation of pets

      What are pets?

      Let’s start with the basics. What are pets? Well, I’m glad you asked.

      Pets are brilliant. They come in different shapes and sizes. Some are furry. Some are scaly. Some are so small you can hold them in one hand. Others are twice the size of you and if they sit on you there is a danger you will burst.

      Some pets are useful and can fetch things, help people and even have jobs! Other pets just sit around all day doing nothing or, worse still, go behind your wardrobe and do a secret poo.

      Getting a pet

      We have now learned that pets exist. There’s no denying it. We’ve all seen them. They are real.

      So how do you go about getting one? Do you just hope for the best and maybe one day some sort of animal will turn up at the bottom of your bed?

      This might work but it is quite unlikely. So how do you get one? How do you convince your grown-ups that you can have a pet? How do you decide which is the best pet for you to look after?

      What to do if you find a pet at the bot tom of your bed

      Emotional blackmail

      Are you struggling to persuade your parents to get you the pet you want? Maybe they’ve come up with all sorts of reasons why you can’t have one:

      We haven’t got time to look after it properly.

      These are all just excuses (unless they are actually real reasons in which case you might have to settle for an imaginary pet).

      We haven’t got room.

      Emotional blackmail is when you use your imagination to make them feel bad about not getting a pet. The sorts of things you might want to try are:

      1. D raw a really cute picture of you and your family and include a picture of the pet you want. Then show the picture to your grown-ups.

      Imaginary pets

      Dad: What have you got there?

      Child: I’ve drawn a picture. It’s our family. That’s me. That’s you. That’s mummy. That’s Toby. That’s Serena.

      Dad: And who is this?

      Child: That’s Mr Fluffy-Wuff.

      Dad: And who is Mr Fluffy-Wuff?

      Child: He’s the rabbit you are going to get me.

      Getting a Pet

      2. Y ou can also try dropping it into conversation every now and again.

      Playing Connect 4 with your pet

      One pet bigger

      If you are very lucky, your parents will be happy to get you a pet. One way to get the pet you want is not to ask for it at all but to ask for a pet which is bigger and more difficult to have in the house.

      If you want a pet, you see, Think of it as a figure. Once that’s done, just add Plus one and ask for one pet bigger.

      If you want a hamster To keep inside a cage, Say you want a guinea pig Of any shape or age. ‘Oh no, no, no, you silly thing. A guinea pig’s too big,’ they’ll sing. But if you use your biggest eyes When parents use their head, They’ll come upon a compromise And a hamster you will get instead.

      But if you want a guinea pig, What will you do now? Well, say you want a catty puss That purrs and goes meow. ‘Oh no, what are you on about?

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