Done with That: Escape the Struggle of Your Old Life

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DONE WITH THAT

"In Done with That, Bob Merritt shows that less means more. Less regret means more joy. Less loneliness means more belonging. Less angst means more contentment. Bob’s hard-fought battle will help you win yours."

—Mark Batterson, New York Times bestselling author of The Circle Maker; lead pastor, National Community Church

Freedom in Christ is one of the most powerful gifts of the gospel. But knowledge of that freedom and walking in that freedom are two different things. This book moves us from knowledge to action, with practical application for every person who is truly ready to move. Thank you, Bob, for living that out in your own life and showing us the way for ourselves.

—Kyle Idleman, senior pastor, Southeast Christian Church; author of Not a Fan and The End of Me

How do you stop putting up with what you know you need to be done with? Bob Merritt has written an open, honest personal account about moving forward with God.

—John Ortberg, senior pastor, Menlo Church; author of Eternity Is Now in Session

"People talk a lot about change these days, but here’s the truth. No one ever really changes until it gets too painful to stay where they are. In other words, they have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired! If that’s where you are, then Pastor Bob Merritt’s Done with That is absolutely the book for you. It’s a great prescription for turning your life around and reviving your walk with God."

—Dave Ramsey, bestselling author; nationally syndicated radio show host

"In Done with That, Bob Merritt shares firsthand how exhausting it can be to endure the crushing weight of persistent problems. More importantly, though, he also knows the power we have through Jesus Christ to be more than conquerors! If you’ve ever struggled to stop fighting the same old battles so you can start living in Christ’s victory, then Done with That is for you."

—Chris Hodges, senior pastor, Church of the Highlands; author of The Daniel Dilemma and What’s Next?

"I found Done with That to be incredibly helpful. While Bob has plenty of success, he also has a fair amount of personal failure which he generously shares. He has a track record of saying, ‘I’m done with that.’ This is something I need to say more since spiritual growth includes leaving things behind. This is a great resource for the average person who wants an above average life."

—Brian Tome, senior pastor, Crossroads Church; author of Five Marks of a Man and Free Book

"Done with That is authentic, refreshing, and compelling! I loved how Bob Merritt’s mix of humility and truth hits the mark and the heart. I read a lot of books and this one was just what I needed. Now, I am inspired to be done with some things so I can be and do even greater things."

—David Horsager, CEO, Trust Edge Leadership Institute; bestselling author

"Your future is shaped by how well you lead yourself. And there is nobody better than Bob Merritt to show how to lead yourself well. Done with That brilliantly looks at how you can let go of the past and embrace a better future. Read it, live it, and share it."

—Jud Wilhite, author of Pursued; senior pastor of Central Church

"Done with That is an honest book. I was drawn in by Merritt’s refreshing vulnerability and the absence of ‘spiritual fluff.’ These pages offer hope and grace for maturing leaders. Candid. Funny. Convicting."

—Jeff Manion, senior pastor, Ada Bible Church; author of Dream Big, Think Small and The Land Between

A master storyteller, Bob opens his life to the reader, letting you experience his own failures. He leads you through a process of change and shows the path to a hope-filled future. With heart and humor, Bob brilliantly speaks to a challenge everyone has, and ultimately provides the tools to be done with that.

—Dean Hager, CEO, Jamf

A gifted storyteller, Bob Merritt writes with grace, self-awareness, and vulnerability. His genuine honesty about his struggles not only challenges us to a new life when tempted to fall back into old patterns but gives us hope.

—Deb Schoneman, president, Piper Jaffray Companies

To Laurie

I thank God every day for the gift you are to me.

For forty years now, imperfect together.

DONE WITH THAT

Published by David C Cook

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Integrity Music Limited, a Division of David C Cook

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All rights reserved. Except for brief excerpts for review purposes, no part of this book may be reproduced or used in any form without written permission from the publisher.

The website addresses recommended throughout this book are offered as a resource to you. These websites are not intended in any way to be or imply an endorsement on the part of David C Cook, nor do we vouch for their content.

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. Scripture quotations marked NCV are taken from the New Century Version®. Copyright © 2005 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved; NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved; NLV are taken from the Holy Bible, New Life Version. Copyright © 1969–2003 by Christian Literature International, P.O. Box 777, Canby, OR 97013. Used by permission.

The author has added italics to Scripture quotations for emphasis.

LCCN 2019930497

ISBN 978-0-8307-7710-5

eISBN 978-0-8307-7711-2

© 2019 Robert A. Merritt

Published in association with Don Gates at The Gates Group—www.gatesliterary.com.

The Team: Alice Crider, Megan Stengel, Rachael Stevenson, Diane Gardner, Susan Murdock

Cover Design: Nick Lee

First Edition 2019

CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Introduction: Struggling to Leave

PART I: GETTING HONEST

1. What I Never Knew about the New Life

2. Why the Old Life Won’t Die

3. The Old Life Is a Dead-End Life

4. Where New Life Begins

PART II: AHA MOMENTS

5. Signature Sins

6. One-Track Mind

7. The Middle Is Miserable

8. Turning Points

PART III: THE NEW LIFE IS LESS AND MORE

9. Less Rebellion, More Obedience

10. Fewer Possessions, More People

11. Less Selfishness, More Sacrifice

12. Less Obsession, More Devotion

Conclusion: Gone for Good

Notes

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Writing a book is a four-year process for me that starts with a stir, turns into a storm, becomes such a foreboding tempest that if I don’t get it out, I can’t sleep. I don’t just decide to write a book. I’m essentially dragged into it by God’s Spirit. If I were not convinced that God was behind it, I would never subject myself to the terror of the empty page or deep insecurities writing produces in me. I brought my best thinking, dreaming, and praying to these pages, but that’s never enough. I look back on a few chapters I wrote four years ago and wonder, Where did that come from? Truly, from God’s precious Holy Spirit. It’s because of Him that anything good comes out of me, and it’s to Him that I owe my most humble thanks.

So I get dragged into it, but then others get dragged into it with me. Thanks to Don Gates (The Gates Group), who believed in this project from the jump. Deep gratitude to Alice Crider, Rachael Stevenson, Nathan Landry, Nick Lee, and all the others at David C Cook—you’ve treated me like one of your own.

Huge thanks to Heidi Anderson and Kristin Sanford for your creative touches. I’m indebted to Shannon Schmidt, Karianne Langfield, T. J. Therrien, Travis Wermedal, and John Alexander for your ongoing help and support.

To my dearest mom, Barb Merritt, now eighty-seven years old, your daily prayer for me is what fuels my life. I owe so much of who I am to you and Dad, who showed me what it means to trust Jesus daily.

To my church, Eagle Brook—look what God has done. Simply amazing.

Most of all, thanks to Laurie, Meg, Dave, Nelly, and Sara. You are the five most important people to me on the planet. There aren’t words to describe how much I love you. I hit the lottery.

INTRODUCTION

STRUGGLING TO LEAVE

I’m done with that!

When was the last time you said those words? Maybe you were fed up with a job going nowhere. Perhaps you had a habit that kept embarrassing you or a past failure that haunted you. Whatever the issue was, a point came when you threw up your hands and in exasperation cried, I’m done with that!

There’s power in saying that.

When our second child was on the way, the timing was bad. I was pastoring a small country church in Falun, Wisconsin, but after five years of isolation and low pay ($12,000 a year), I wondered whether I still wanted to be a pastor. We had no money and all our earthly belongings crammed into a small U-Haul trailer that we pulled behind our junky 1969 Cutlass Supreme. That was when we decided I’d return to school and enroll in the speech program at Penn State University. We were going from poor to very poor with no permanent job in sight for at least another three years. And to top it all off, Laurie was seven months pregnant.

I must confess: I’m not much of a baby person. Some people go gaga over babies. Not me. Don’t get me wrong; every baby is a miraculous gift from God. But all the crying, clinging, sucking, spitting, wailing, and overall chaos? I’m not cut out for it.

I quickly realized this with our first. And by the time news came of our second, I felt in way over my head. Candidly, I didn’t know whether I could handle another round of sleepless nights, marital tension, and sour spit-up.

But that’s exactly the situation I faced. With a toddler in tow, a baby on the way, a move, and a return to school, I thought, That’s it. We’re done. I’m done. So when the time came for Laurie and me to decide whether we’d have more children, I didn’t vacillate. There was a vasectomy but no vacillating. After two kids we were done. And we never looked back.

What are you done with?

Here’s a common answer: money problems—patterns of overspending, borrowing against credit cards … Have you been there? You just want to be done with it? The good news is you can. And the way you do that with finances illustrates many of the truths this book explores, principles that apply to almost any change we desire in our lives.

Five years ago I made a verbal declaration regarding finances to the twenty-four thousand people who attend our services. At the time, our church carried a large debt of $18 million on our first campus, and for twenty years we’d been paying it down in small increments. It was so tiring. Whenever we wanted to expand our reach, we contended with our debt, and it became an albatross around our necks. We couldn’t build other campuses, though we sensed God leading that way, and couldn’t pay our staff as we should have. Then we made the mistake of borrowing more—debt on top of debt! Everything in my being railed against it, but I allowed the pursuit of our mission to trump our ability to pay for it.

Eventually I became so burdened and convicted by this I said, No more. I actually asked myself, Merritt, who’s holding the gun to your head? You’re the senior pastor. What are you going to do about it?

That was a defining moment for me. From that moment on, I declared, No more debt! We are done with that! I informed our staff, board, and church. I repeated it and continue to repeat it. I said, Where’s the faith in taking out a loan? Let’s challenge ourselves, trust God, and raise the money! If we fall short, we won’t build until we have the money.

Five diligent years later, our church is nearly debt free, and we pay for our new campuses and expansions in cash. It all started with a single declaration: We are done with that!

Do you need to be done with something that’s hurting you, preventing you from achieving your dreams, or hindering God’s call on your life? It might be mental, financial, spiritual, or even relational.

Perhaps you need to be done with a certain person. That might seem harsh, but it’s true. You might have an abusive, alcoholic, or intensely manipulative parent, and after years of seeing no change, you need to be done with that. Nobody wins in that situation, but if that person refuses to change his or her behavior, you can at least govern your own and establish some new boundaries.

Maybe it’s not a parent; it could be an irresponsible sibling, so you’re the one who picks up after his or her messes. You rescue her kids, bail him out financially, or serve as her emotional dumping zone. Who’s that helping? Certainly not your irresponsible family member. As long as that sibling knows you’re there to pick him or her up, your brother or sister will never shape up. Because, well, why would he? Why should she? And it’s certainly not helping you. You resent it, live with anger, and then feel guilty when you call him or her on it. Stop feeling guilty.

Be done with that. All of it! You can pray for your loved ones and offer your kindness, but you have to stop enabling their dysfunction and irresponsible lifestyles.

You and I will encounter people at work, at school, and in our communities who refuse to take responsibility for their lives. Pray for them, offer wisdom and support if you can, but then know where the line is. A time comes when you have to say, That’s hurtful, that’s wrong, that’s not good for you or me—so I’m done; we’re done. It’s really about being able to say no. For every wise no, there’s a better yes.

• No to lying, yes to trusting.

• No to manipulating, yes to relating.

• No to taking, yes to sharing.

• No to isolation, yes to connecting.

• No to debt, yes to financial freedom.

• No to sexual misconduct, yes to relational integrity.

• No to anger, yes to inner peace.

• No to addiction, yes to sobriety.

Here’s the problem. There are things about you I don’t like and things about me you don’t like. And in spite of His love for us, there are things about all of us God dislikes because of what they do to us.

I’m a fellow struggler with you. All my life I’ve heard preachers say if you put your trust in Jesus, the old [life] has gone, the new [life] is here (2 Cor. 5:17). Then why do I still snap at my wife sometimes? Why do I still say words I regret? Why do I still get angry, struggle with greed, and battle nagging insecurities? If the old life is gone and a new life has come, why do I repeat habits I know hurt myself and others? These questions bother me, and I’ve struggled with them most of my life. But it must be possible to be done with the old life, or the Bible wouldn’t have said it is possible. So how? And is it really worth the effort?

I never write a book just to write a book. I’m pulled into it kicking and screaming. I don’t need the moments of terror when I think I don’t have one new thing to contribute to society. But when God grabs my spirit and convicts me of something bothersome and compelling, I know I have to get it out or I’m going to explode. Jesus came to give us life to the full (see John 10:10)—not for us to be enslaved by sin or doomed to failure. A full, free life. I don’t know about you, but that’s what I want. I’m ready to be done with the chains of that old life, and