Having Grace: A Personal Journey

To my daughter, Grace, you are a piece of my heart. My hope is you live on through this book. Ultimately, this is your story, and I’m honored to share it.

Having Grace

Copyright © 2019 by Crissy Goodpaster

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

ISBN (Print Edition): 978-1-54397-939-8

ISBN (eBook Edition): 978-1-54397-940-4

Scripture quotations are from the New Revised Standard Version Bible, copyright © 1989 the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Table of Contents

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

HAPPILY EVER AFTER?

Realization

THE REAL DEAL

JOURNAL ENTRIES

Surrender

GOD

CONTROL

FACTS, FACTS, AND MORE FACTS

MARRIAGE

THE VASECTOMY

Waves

WHAT NOT TO SAY

WHAT TO SAY

DON’T FORGET OUR BABIES

TRIGGERS ARE EVERYWHERE

HAPPY PEOPLE PISSED ME OFF

SISTER

Surviving

THINGS THAT HAVE HELPED ME

TATTOO

SELF-CARE

GAME OF THRONES

SHARE WALK

REMEMBERING

Having Faith

AS A MOM NOW

FAITH CONQUERS FEAR

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

To my husband, Chris, while writing this book, you were patient with me and gave me the love and support I needed as a first time author. I was able to focus daily on my writing as you prepared dinner for our son and assisted with all the cleaning that we normally shared. You stepped up in a way that was so essential for me to have the time and creative space to work and to be able to express what my heart wanted to say. Thank you, honey, I love you.

To my sweet sister, Charlena, you have been by my side your whole life. You have meant so much to me. The way you were able to sit in my pain and love me was beautiful. You are my favorite person in this whole world. Thank you for being there for me through it all. Love you, boo.

To my editor, Melissa Zraik, you have been there for me from the very beginning when I started to write my first 1,000 words. It meant so much that I could call and email you at any time. You have always been so kind and knowledgeable. I’m so grateful that I had you as my editor; my book could have been completely different if it wasn’t for you. You understood what I wanted to say and how I wanted to share it. I can’t thank you enough. Having Grace is my heart, the story of my daughter and her life; I was honored to share this with you and loved you being a part of it. Thank you.

To Jayne Aschen, the support you have given me over the past decade has been amazing. You are my sister in Christ and my best friend. You have walked by my side through everything from my wedding day, to Grace, and every struggles. The love that you have shown me has always been so kind. Thank you so much, for your friendship and continuously challenging me to be better. Love you, bud.

To my church family, Mark and Jayne Aschen, Erin and Justin McLaury, Sara and Dan Bugbee, Rachel and Jake McGrail, Megan and Seth Elschlager, Ryan Robertson, Loran and Jeff Richardson, Stephanie and Jesse Sutton, Jake and Jetta Perry - your love during our pregnancy with Grace and subsequent loss will never be forgotten. We needed God in a very real way, and I believe you were his arms. In the way you embraced us, you were his giving heart with how you took care of us by bringing us food and anything we needed. You were his strength as you organized my daughter’s memorial service. Thank you so much for everything. We love you.

To my friend, Jen Donini, thank you for reading Having Grace before it was officially done. I was so thankful that you took the time to read it and provided feedback. You were there for me when I got my hummingbird tattoo in honor of Grace, you made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry. You have been very supportive and have been my cheerleader while writing this book. Thank you for helping me write the about the author section. You were so thoughtful and truly know me so well. Your kind words and encouragement have meant a lot, and I truly appreciate it.

To my friend, Lara Gillham, you were my place I could go when I wanted to discuss the hard moments about this book. You and I sat in our pain together, over many happy hours that weren’t always happy but were real and meaningful. Even though I wish that you would have never been a part of this awful club, I’m glad I have you to surf the waves with.

To everyone that loved us and loved Grace, we are forever thankful for y’all.

HAPPILY EVER AFTER?

When I was a little girl, I loved Disney movies and would want to watch all the new ones right when they came out. I have faint memories of sitting in a car as my mom purchased tickets for Snow White in the late 80s. I remember sitting in my room when we lived in Hawaii; my dad was stationed there when I was younger. I didn’t know anyone that could serve as my prince charming at the time, but I had my dreams. My parents got me one of those fancy canopy beds made of white and pink fabric that truly made me feel like a princess. I would sit on my perfect bed and look out my window thinking, one day, my prince will come. It was a childhood fantasy that seemed so real in the movies. As I got older, my love for Disney only increased. My favorite Disney movie was a toss-up between from Sleeping Beauty to Beauty and the Beast. Both beautiful stories but still different, one where the prince rescues the beautiful princess, and the other the princess rescues the beast. It’s interesting to me even now when I think back about my sense of wanting to be rescued and wanting to rescue someone else. I could identify with Belle thinking there’s got to be more and being able to see the good in someone. I loved the magic of the stories, the happily ever after. I believed that dreams did come true; I believed Jiminy Cricket. Like when Jiminy Cricket sang, When you wish upon a Star in the movie Pinocchio, dreams do come true. When I thought about what my future would look like, I would clearly start my love story with once upon a time because in my eyes even though it was really naive, I thought that’s how it really worked. Any romantic drama proved this over and over in my eyes. When you were really in love that’s what would happen, you would find your perfect someone, you get to know each other, and then, you would get married. Then, you would be blissfully happy. Obviously, I know that’s not reality, but I held on to that dream for a very long time until a certain point. This isn’t what this book is ultimately about, but it’s an important part. So here’s the start to my love story…

Once upon a time, there lived a passionate woman in Richmond Heights who dreamed of one day falling in love with her handsome prince. After kissing many frogs, she finally found him. His name was Chris, and he was dreamy. That woman was me. I had always wanted a love that I was crazy about - like the kind of love I saw in the movies. Chris was definitely it; he was kind-hearted and honest. I had all the feels; he would leave me sweet love notes on my car and bring flowers just because. He would show up for me and be there for me, that was everything. We were dating for about eight months, and then, he surprised me with a trip to Sanibel Island. I have never been very patient so when he told me where we were going, I immediately thought: what if he proposes? We had been dating for less than a year at this point. As we got closer to the day our vacation was going to start, I started getting nervous. Not a bad nervous, just an uneasiness of not knowing. I was excited to marry Chris, and if he did ask me, I knew I’d say yes. The night before our trip Chris planned on spending the night at my house so it would be easier for us to get to the airport in the morning and be better prepared. That evening all his luggage was at my house. While we were in my room, I casually started looking through his bag making general statements about his cute board shorts or his bright blue shirts. I was looking for a ring or at least a reaction from messing with his stuff to confirm that something was in there. I know, I know, that’s terrible of me, but again, I hated not knowing, not being ready for it. I looked up at Chris, no reaction at all, he would just agree with me. Yep, there’s my swimsuit and shirts. I know this wasn’t the right thing to do, but at this point, the unknown was making me anxious. I didn’t find a ring so I knew I had to readjust my expectations for the trip. Plus, I thought, it was crazy to think he would propose so early into our relationship. Hand to forehead, duh, Crissy, it was way too early. Why did I get in my head so much? This was my handsome prince fantasy coming through again. The next morning we got to the airport, and I couldn’t help but be a little disappointed. I tried not to let it show, but by the time we were in Florida, my face must have shown it. I confessed to Chris that the reason I seemed mopey was because I thought he was going to propose and that’s why I was sifting through his stuff earlier. He was kind but immediately said, Oh wow, sorry, babe. No, not getting engaged yet. I said I understood, and it was silly to think that’s what this trip was about. We got to our beautiful hotel room in Sanibel; it was right on the water. It was so perfect! I’m originally from Florida so anytime I’m there I feel at home. The beach has always been my happy place, so comforting and calming. I could sit for hours on the beach, listening to the waves as they crash into the sand bed, smelling the fresh sea salt in the air, and feeling a perfect temperature mixed in with the Florida heat. So here I was with the man of my dreams looking at the amazing water. Any time I go to Florida, the first thing I do, as soon as my stuff is where it should be, is I head to the beach, every time. It’s almost like the beach restores my soul. That might not be how it is for you maybe when you think of the beach, you see sticky sand and no shade. Maybe you feel like the mountains are what makes you happy or maybe when you are walking a trail outdoors. But I digress; Chris wanted to head to the beach too, so as we were making our way down the stairs, we saw all the little lizards running. It looked like a small version of Jurassic Park. I think it’s a Florida thing; I remember seeing them when I was younger too. There’s the ocean, right in front of us, and it was beautiful. I took my shoes off and felt the cold sand between my toes. The site really was breathtaking; it was sunset, and the sky was the perfect mix of blue, pink, and yellow. I was right where I wanted to be. Chris asked me, So this is where you wanted me to propose? I was like, Well, yeah! Perfect sunset with an amazing ocean view, of course, babe. I was so distracted with the view that I didn’t notice that Chris was now down on one knee; I couldn’t believe my eyes as I looked at him! Chris started talking about how much he loved me. He talked about how I was his little penguin. The penguin story is important to me because when a penguin finds a mate, he searches the beach for a perfect stone to present to her and they mate for life. My penguin was asking me to be his wife; he pulled out this beautiful diamond ring. The one I always dreamed of getting the day I was proposed to. It was so beautiful. I giggled saying, Is this for real? He said, Yes, and asked again, Will you be my penguin? I said yes, and we embraced each other for the most passionate kiss we had ever shared to that point of our relationship. It was so perfect. That night, we were on cloud nine we didn’t share our news with anyone yet. We wanted it to be ours for a few days. It was important for us to have that time to just be unapologetically in love. We were so happy; we went to several restaurants and hit the beach every day. Chris and I took long bike rides throughout Sanibel in the early morning before it got too hot. We finally decided towards the end of our trip to send a picture of me and my ring to see if my sister Charlena would notice. My phone started ringing right away; she was screaming into the phone and was so excited! It was wonderful to share our news. We slowly started telling our family and close friends; then after not that much time had passed, we posted an update on Facebook. So many congrats and best wishes flooded in! It seemed like people had been pulling for my happily ever after too. It was so nice to be engaged, to be loved. Once Chris and I got back home, I started on our wedding planning. We chose early April as our general date so that meant we only had seven months to plan. That’s not that long in the wedding world! We liked planning our wedding, and it was a lot of fun actually. I thought it would be very stressful and tiresome, but as long as we stayed organized, it was a piece of cake. Speaking of cake, cake tasting was delicious! I would get married again just to have an excuse to eat as much cake as I want. My sister came with me to pick out my wedding dress. I tried on a few; nothing was wowing us… until they put me in a white ball gown with lace applique. It was gorgeous. My sister got all teary-eyed and said, That’s the one. I knew it was too. It was as if my Disney fantasy was coming true. I loved the way I looked as a bride. They also put a cathedral length veil on me. I was shocked that the veil