More Love Less Conflict: A Communication Playbook for Couples (Book for couples)

Introduction

For over thirty years, I've been a therapist with a focus on providing clients with practical tools they can use immediately at home. Most couples aren't interested in dredging up childhood issues in long months of therapy. Instead, they want effective ways to sidestep arguments, handle ongoing challenges, or once again enjoy the love and connection they knew at the beginning of their relationship.

When we share deeply satisfying and intimate moments with our partners, it gives our lives joy and meaning. The problem is that most couples don't know how to create such moments consistently. With the pace and myriad distractions of modern life, many couples find the connection they crave is crowded out by their to-do lists. Furthermore, when disagreements erupt, they often get lost in blame and don't know how to climb out of the hole they're in. That's when a good strategy or helpful idea can be a lifesaver. With the right information, you can quickly find your way back to your shared loving heart.

I've seen hundreds of couples go through difficult times. I've seen the new challenges they face in this age of social media, constant change, and harried lives. Fortunately, there's good news. Each year, researchers learn new and better ways to help couples get back to the love they really want. With the methods and ideas in this book, you and your partner can quickly find the path to more love and less conflict.

You may be wondering: What's a "communication playbook"? A playbook is a book of strategies to help you achieve a certain goal. In terms of relationships, the goal is simple: to experience more love and less conflict. With effective strategies, you can create moments of intimacy, depth, and connection whenever you desire.

Robert and Claire entered my office looking as if they couldn't stand sitting in the same building together, much less on the same couch. When I asked Claire what had brought them to counseling, she launched into a tirade about how she was married to a lying, conniving, self-absorbed, good-for-nothing jerk. Robert's assessment of his mate was even less kind. Evidently, the animosity between them had been building for years. But by teaching them some of the techniques you'll learn in this book, by the end of the hour, they were lovingly holding hands. They had miraculously dropped their anger and blame and were back in love. That's what can happen when couples learn to communicate effectively.

In part 1, I begin by outlining how to create a strong foundation on which love and connection can be built and flourish. Knowing how to communicate effectively is one of the most important skills you can learn in life. Besides impacting the success of your intimate relationships, this one skill also helps determine how well you relate to your kids, your friends, your family, and even how much money you make in your career. According to a famous Harvard study, the best predictor of the quality of people's health and the level of their happiness is the quality of their relationships. So, congratulations for picking up this book!

In part 2, I introduce techniques that will help you to understand your partner better. Understanding is the key to relationship harmony. I have never had a couple enter my office and state: We understand each other really well; that's why we want a divorce. When couples truly understand each other, the likelihood of conflict is dramatically reduced. The exercises given in part 2 can help you discover many new, helpful, and valuable things about your partner.

In part 3, you'll read about various methods and ideas for increasing love in your relationship. In these chapters, you'll find structured exercises for dramatically increasing the positive connection and intimacy you have with your partner. Even if you choose not to do the structured techniques outlined here, just reading about them will help you feel more intimate with your mate. At the end of each of these chapters, I offer simple and easy practices for creating more fun and affection in your relationship. In fact, these simple practices can be done with anyone at any time, and they can help you create heartfelt moments of connection throughout your daily life.

In part 4, we'll examine communication methods specifically geared toward reducing conflict and helping couples get through rough times. These can save you a lot of money by helping you avoid divorce court or a year in a therapist's office! More important, they can help you quickly resolve conflicts so that you can actually get back to the love and fun you really want in your relationship.

In the Conclusion, I offer some final words of advice. At the back of the book, you'll find appendices that can help you locate and review all the exercises presented. My hope is that you will use these as a quick reference guide when you face a conflict or need to build intimacy with your partner.

For those readers who don't currently have a partner, or have a partner who is unwilling to join them in these practices, I have good news. Unlike dancing, where it takes two skilled people to tango, it does not take two skilled people to communicate well. A single skilled partner can often create more love and less conflict by using the practices and principles given in this book. I give specific tips on flying solo in chapter 5.

I think you'll find that most of what I have to say here makes intuitive sense to you. However, you may find that the first time you use a method from this book it feels a bit awkward. Whenever we try something new, it can feel like that. Yet, once you see how quickly these methods work, I think you'll be convinced. All I ask is that you try them out—like a new coat—and see if they fit. Use what works for you and discard what feels like an awkward fit or not applicable to your situation. If you do that, I know you'll be pleased with the results you get.

Getting the Most Out of This Book

To get the most out of this book, you should first read completely through part 1. Then feel free to skip to whatever chapters catch your fancy. In each chapter, you'll find practical ideas and easy methods that will improve the quality of your communication forever. And these ideas and methods won't just affect your intimate relationships. The same skills that work with your partner will also work in virtually all your relationships.

In parts 2, 3, and 4, I present distinct communication exercises that provide highly structured ways to communicate with your partner with a desired goal in mind. In addition, at the end of each chapter, I include very simple techniques that you can use in a less formal way. In a way, all of these methods are like the apps you get on your smartphone—specific tools for accomplishing very precise tasks. When you need directions to a friend's house, you load up a mapping application that may offer you a couple of ways to get there. Once you arrive, however, you don't need the app anymore. In a similar way, when you need a specific type of communication with your partner, the practices in this book will be there to guide you to your desired destination. Use the appendices to help you find what you need. As with smartphone apps, these methods will save you time and energy and be available any time you need them.

All the exercises offered in this book have two common elements: they are deliberate and they are finite. Each one provides a deliberate way to communicate with a positive goal in mind and a clear end in sight. Normally, when we communicate, we're not consciously aware of our goals. So our haphazard words, often motivated by hurt and irritation, rarely lead to the love and understanding we really want. The methods offered here can gently guide you toward a specific beneficial outcome. In addition, they all have a clear beginning and a clear end. Some partners especially appreciate this, because they tend to avoid difficult communications. Knowing there is a clear endpoint helps them enter into conversations about difficult issues. The deliberate and finite structure of these exercises helps partners avoid lecturing each other or dredging up the past.

Throughout the book, I also offer what I call Simple and Easy Practices that can help you turn the more structured exercises described in the chapters into methods you can use easily in your daily life. Although it's best to use the many techniques offered here under ideal circumstances—with a willing partner, with no distractions, and with plenty of time to follow precise guidelines—life can be messy, and partners can feel resistant to too many rules. Moreover, once you understand a method, you may not need to use it under ideal circumstances. These simplified practices are intended to encourage you and your partner to use the methods in this book much more frequently.

The structured exercises I offer differ in one important way from the simplified practices given at the end of chapters. The exercises require a bit of setup; the simplified practices do not. By setup, I mean that the structured exercises require that you describe to your partner what a communication exercise is, why you want to use it, and what the benefit will be for both of you for having done so. The advantage of the more structured exercises is that they can generally go deeper. And, when tension is high, they are better at helping couples to get back to a place of love and harmony. Relationships sometimes take work to get back to a place of love. When you use the structured exercises, you give caring communication your highest priority.

I understand that most couples will gravitate toward the simplified pactices, perhaps skimming over the more structured exercises. Even if you don't choose to follow all the structured exercises, however, it can be helpful to read the full descriptions of them, as well as the transcripts of the couples who have used them. You may find that the more structured methods are worth the extra effort. However, even if you decide to use only the simple practices, you'll come away with a much better understanding of the ultimate goal of each principle described.

Three Levels of Communication

According to the Authentic Relating Community (authenticworld.integralcenter.org), all communication can be categorized into three levels: informational, emotional/personal, and relational. The first, or informational, level, is what we use most of the time in our daily lives. It includes talk about the weather, our jobs, and what we're doing. This is a necessary mode of communication for getting things done, but it lacks depth and true intimacy.

The next level, emotional/personal communication, involves the sharing of our thoughts, feelings, and desires. Many of the techniques in this book relate to this second level. We tend to avoid this depth of intimacy unless we have ways to make this level of contact easy and safe. Conversations about what we like, hate, want, and feel—as well as vulnerable self-reflection—all fit into this category.

The third level of communication, often referred to as relational, occurs when we talk about what's happening now—in the moment—between us and others. This is by far the rarest form of communication. Yet it can be very rewarding, because it immediately creates an atmosphere of depth, presence, and connection that is rarely matched in the other two levels. Studies show that couples who report the highest levels of satisfaction spend much more time in relational communication than other couples.

Here's an example of relational communication: Listening to you just now, I felt some sadness. I'm imagining it's because I've been wanting more quality time with you. How is that for you to hear? By revealing in real time what's going on with you and asking for your partner's reaction, you create increased vulnerability, presence, and connection.

By being aware of the three levels of communication, you can master the ability to go quickly from light, superficial conversation to deep, meaningful connection. In part 1, you'll learn the various elements needed to deepen, unlock, and enliven intimate connection with your partner, swiftly and smoothly.

PART I

Building Strong Relationships

If you would be loved, love and be loveable.

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN

You may think you already know what makes for good communication and strong relationships. Most of us tend to think we know how to have successful relationships—it's our partners that could use some help! Yet skilled communicators can connect with virtually anyone. Because they understand the underlying laws of relationships, they can be flexible in their approach and consistently get the outcomes they desire.

The skills and attitudes that lead to great relationships don't come naturally. You have to really study them and learn them step by step. But if you try some of the approaches and methods presented here, I think you'll find that the results can be truly amazing.

CHAPTER 1

What the World Needs Now

In my many years of experience counseling couples, I've found that what most people want above all else in a relationship are moments of care, understanding, and empathy—I use the acronym CUE. When we feel our partners truly get us, it feels fantastic. When our partners are upset, we need to take the cue to be on CUE. When our partners feel that we understand their pain or know their joy, they feel loved by us. How sweet that can be. Regrettably, however, such moments are rare in most relationships.

While we all want to feel understood, the way we tend to communicate makes this harder and harder. Even when communicating face to face, people often misunderstand each other. And talking by phone or communicating by text or email makes empathic understanding even more challenging. Yes, emojis can sometimes help, but they certainly don't replace the impact of a lover holding your hand, eyes welling up with tears, as you describe an awful day. We want to know that our partners truly care, and we often don't care what they have to say until we feel that they really do care.

When people are stressed, they are generally not at their best. After millions of years of evolution, we respond to stress in one of three ways—we fight, we flee, or we freeze. Perhaps you've noticed fighting words coming from your partner when you've given them some simple feedback. Your statement I don't think that outfit will be appropriate for the party can be met with vitriol and venom—Look who's talking. You don't look so great yourself. And the fight is on. Conquer or be conquered. This used to be helpful when faced with a tiger on the plains of Africa 200,000 years ago, but it is not useful when dealing with your mate.

Another way we're conditioned to react to stress is to take flight, or flee. Once again, when facing a tiger, this is an effective strategy. But if you avoid needed conversations in your