Quodlibet: containing some annals thereof

John Pendleton Kennedy

Quodlibet: containing some annals thereof

Published by Good Press, 2022

goodpress@okpublishing.info

EAN 4064066128791

Table of Contents

INTRODUCTION.

CHAPTER I.

CHAPTER II.

CHAPTER III.

CHAPTER IV.

CHAPTER V.

CHAPTER VI.

CHAPTER VII.

CHAPTER VIII.

CHAPTER IX.

CHAPTER X.

CHAPTER XI.

CHAPTER XII.

CHAPTER XIII.

CHAPTER XIV.

CHAPTER XV.

CHAPTER XVI.

CHAPTER XVII.

CHAPTER XVIII.

CHAPTER XIX.

CHAPTER XX.

NEW-LIGHT QUODLIBETARIAN DEMOCRATS.

WHIGS.

OF DOUBTFUL POLITICS.

WOMEN.

QUODLIBET.

CHAPTER I.

CHAPTER II.

CHAPTER III.

CHAPTER IV.

CHAPTER V.

CHAPTER VI.

CHAPTER VII.

CHAPTER VIII.

CHAPTER IX.

CHAPTER X.

CHAPTER XI.

CHAPTER XII.

CHAPTER XIII.

CHAPTER XIV.

CHAPTER XV.

"ASTOUNDING WHIG DEFALCATION.

CHAPTER XVI.

CHAPTER XVII.

CHAPTER XVIII.

CHAPTER XIX.

CHAPTER XX.

"GO IT, YE CRIPPLES!

POSTSCRIPT.

SECOND POSTSCRIPT.

THIRD POSTSCRIPT.

INTRODUCTION.

Table of Contents

Friendly Reader

:—

Of a truth, we are a great people!—and most happy am I, Solomon Secondthoughts, Schoolmaster of the Borough of Quodlibet, that it hath fallen to my lot, even in my small way, to make known to you how in our Borough that greatness hath grown toward its perfect maturity—feeling persuaded that Quodlibet therein is but an abstract or miniature portrait of this nation. Happy am I, although sorely oppressed with an inward perception of my defective craft in this most worthy task, that I have been thought by our Central Committee a fit expounder of that history wherein is enchrysalized (if I may be allowed to draw a word, parce detortum, from the Greek mint) the most veritable essence of that recently discovered Democratic theory, for distinction called the Quodlibetarian, which is destined to supplant all other principles in our government, and to render us the most formidable and the most imposing people upon the terraqueous globe.

How it came to pass that this duty has been committed to my hands, you shall learn.

In the days of the late Judge Flam, now thirty years gone by, and long before Quodlibet was, that very considerate and astute gentleman honored me, a poor and youthful scholar, with a promotion to the office of private tutor in his family, then residing at their ancient seat in this neighborhood. It was my especial duty, in this station, to prepare Master Middleton, the eldest born, for college; which in three years of assiduous labor was achieved, much to my content, and, I need not scruple to affirm, no less to my honor, seeing how notably my pupil has since figured in high places among the salt of the nation. Far be it from me to take an undue share of desert for this consummation; it would be disingenuous not to say that my pupil's liberal endowments at the hand of Nature herself rendered my task easy of success.

By the aid of my early patron the Judge, whose memory will long be embalmed in the unction of my gratitude, I became, after Master Middleton was passed from under my care, the head of our district school, which at first was established in that lowly log building under the big chestnut upon the Rumblebottom, about fifty rods south of Christy M'Curdy's mill—which tenement is yet to be seen, although in a melancholy state of desolation, the roof thereof having been blown away in the famous hurricane of August, 1836, just two years and ten months after the Removal of the Deposits. This unfortunate event—I mean the blowing off of the roof—it was the mercy of Providence to delay for the term of one year and a fraction of a month after I had removed into the new academy which my former pupil, and now, in lineal succession to his lamented parent the Judge, my second patron, the Hon. Middleton Flam, had procured to be erected for my better accommodation in the Borough of Quodlibet. Had my removal been delayed, or the hurricane have risen thirteen months sooner than it did, who shall tell what mourning it might not have spread through our country side—who shall venture to say that Quodlibet might not have been to-day without a chronicler?

This long inhabiting of mine in these parts has afforded me all desirable opportunities to note the growth of the region, and especially to mark out the beginnings, the progression, and the sudden magnifying of our Borough; and being a man—I speak it not vaingloriously—of an inquiring turn, and strongly gifted, as our people of Quodlibet are pleased to allow, with the perfection of setting down my thoughts in writing; and having that essential requisite of the historian, an ardent and unquenchable love of my subject, it has ever been my custom to put into my tablets whatsoever I have deemed noteworthy in the events and opinions of my day, accompanied by such reflections thereon as my subject might be found to invite. Some of these memorabilia, with discourses pertinent to the same, have I from time to time, distrustfully and with the proper timidity of authorship, ventured to contribute to our newspaper, and thereby has my secret vanity been regaled by seeing myself in print. By what token I have not yet ascertained, but these lucubrations of mine were not long ago discovered to our Grand Central Committee of Unflinching New-Light Quodlibetarian Democrats, who have been charged with the arduous duty of maintaining the integrity of the party in the present alarming crisis, and of promoting, by all means in their power, the indefeasible, unquestionable, and perpetual right of succession to the Presidential Chair, claimed by and asserted for the candidate of the great, unterrified New Democratic school of patriotic defenders of the spoils. This Central Committee now hold their sessions weekly in Quodlibet—and having discovered my hand in the lucubrations to which I have alluded above, they have been pleased to express a favorable opinion thereon; and, as a sequence thereto, it has occurred to them to fancy that my poor labors being duly given to the compiling of such a history as my tablets might afford of the rise and progress of the New Democratic principle in Quodlibet, the same would greatly redound to the advantage of the cause in the present great struggle. Acting upon this suggestion, the Grand Central Committee have honored me with a request to throw into such shape as I might deem best these scattered records of opinion and chronicles of fact, whereof I was supposed to have a rich magazine.

Readily and cheerfully have I acceded to this request; and with the more relish, as I shall thus be furnished with an authentic occasion to present to the world the many valuable thoughts and eloquent utterings of my late distinguished pupil, and now beneficent patron, the Hon. Middleton Flam, long a representative of this Borough and the adjacent district in the Congress of the United States.

I pretend to no greater merit in this execution of my task than what an impartial spirit of investigation, a long acquaintance with persons of every degree connected with this history, an apt judgment in discriminating between opinions, a most faithful and abundant memory, a careful store of documentary evidence, an unalterable devotion to the great principles of Quodlibetarian Democracy, and, for the expounding of all, a lucid and felicitous style, may allow me to claim as the chronicler of this Borough.

The better to assure you, my friendly reader, that, in temper and condition, I may demand somewhat of the confidence due to the character of a dispassionate commentator on the times, I would have you understand that I am now on the shady side of sixty, unmarried, and in possession of an easy revenue of four hundred dollars per annum, which is voted to me by our commissioners, for instructing in their rudiments thirty-seven children of both sexes; that I have a plate at the table of my patron, the Hon. Middleton Flam, my former pupil, every Sunday at dinner; and that he, being aware for some time past of my purpose to treasure up his remarkable sayings, has, with a generous freedom, often repeated to me many opinions which otherwise would have been irretrievably lost. Moreover, since I am now brought before the public under circumstances in which reserve on my part would be no better than affectation, I would also advertise my indulgent reader of the fact that I belong to the Quodlibetarian New-Light Club, whereof I some time officiated as Secretary, and which club generally meets on Saturday night at Ferret's; that the members of the same, noting my staidness of deportment and the careful deliberation with which I guard myself in the utterance of any discourse, do frequent honor to the temperance of my judgment by making me the arbiter of such casual controversies as arise therein, touching the true import and application of the principles of our New-Light Democracy; and—if I run no risk of being charged with offering a trivial evidence of the reputation I have earned in the club—I would also mention, that some of our light wags have gone so far—facetiously and with a commendable good nature, knowing that I would not take it ill, as more peevish men might, in their jocular pleasantry—as to call me, in allusion to my natural sedateness,

Sober Secondthoughts

:—the rogues!

And now, amiable and considerate reader, you have ab imo pectore my honest avouch for what I propose to lay before you, and a plain confession of my weaknesses. I come with a clean breast to the confessional. We shall have a frugal banquet of it, but the fruits, I make bold to promise, shall be wholesome and of the best. Now turn we to it in good earnest. If this little chronicle—for my book shall not be overgrown and apoplectic, but rather, as you shall find it, garrulous and thin—do not bring you to a profound sense of the value of this Amaranth of Republicanism, the New-Light Quodlibetarian Democracy, then say it to my teeth, there is no virtue in

Sober Secondthoughts

. Go thy ways—The wise man's eyes are in his head, but the fool walketh in darkness.

S. S.,

Schoolmaster

.

CHAPTER I.

Table of Contents

Antiquities of Quodlibet. Michael Grant's tanyard destroyed by the canal. Consequences of this event. Two distinguished individuals take up their residence in the Borough. Establishment of the Patriotic Copperplate Bank. Circumstances which led to, and followed that measure. Michael Grant's objections to it. 25

CHAPTER II.

Table of Contents

Great usefulness of the bank. Surprising growth of Quodlibet. Some account of the Hon. Middleton Flam. Origin of his Democracy. His logical argument in favor of the pocketing of the Bill to repeal the Specie Circular. The Democratic principle as developed in the Representative System. 41

CHAPTER III.

Table of Contents

Further discourse relating to the Hon. Middleton Flam. Correction in the orthography of his family seat. His respect for the people. Very original views entertained by him on this subject. His liberality in money matters. Aversion to the law regarding interest. Democratic view of that question. His encouragement of industry and the working people. Ingenious and profound illustration of the Great Democratic Principle 57

CHAPTER IV.

Table of Contents

The Second Era. Population of Quodlibet. Increase unparalleled in Ancient Cities; equaled only by Milwaukee, etc. Success of the bank. Attack upon it in Congress. The Hon. Middleton Flam's triumphant vindication. Sketch of his celebrated speech before the New Lights. Inimitable irony on the Divorce of Government and Bank. Merited compliment to the head of the Secretary of the Treasury. That distinguished gentleman's opinions. 68

CHAPTER V.

Table of Contents

Excitement produced by The Thorough Blue Whole Team. Meeting of the New Lights. Jesse Ferret's ambidexterity. Introduction of Eliphalet Fox to the club. His exposition of principles. Establishment of the Quodlibet Whole Hog. 79

CHAPTER VI.

Table of Contents

Being a short history of Eliphalet Fox. 87

CHAPTER VII.

Table of Contents

Astounding Event; Suspension of Specie Payments. Proceedings of the Bank of Quodlibet thereupon. Resolve of the Directors against Suspension. Conspiracy and threatened Revolution headed by Flan Sucker. Directors change their mind. Their consternation and escape. Remarkable bravery and presence of mind of the Hon. Middleton Flam. His splendid appeal to the insurgents. General Jackson's oracular views in regard to the Suspension. 93

CHAPTER VIII.

Table of Contents

Signs of discord in Quodlibet. The Iron-Railing Controversy. Agamemnon Flag's nomination. Revolt of Theodore Fog. The celebrated Split. Consequences of Jesse Ferret's pernicious dogma in reference to publicans. First fruits of the Split manifested at Mrs. Ferret's tea drinking. Grave reflections by the author. Moral. 106

CHAPTER IX.

Table of Contents

Great meeting at the Sycamore Spring. Some description of the arrangements. Nicodemus Handy chosen to preside on this occasion. Motion to that effect by Mr. Snuffers. This worthy gentleman's misfortune. His escape. Successful organization of the meeting. 118

CHAPTER X.

Table of Contents

Scenes at the Sycamore Spring. Nicodemus Handy's speech as President. Sketch of Andrew Grant's speech. Agamemnon Flag's. Attempts at interruption. Theodore Fog's celebrated speech on this occasion. Eloquent exposition of principles. His triumph. His misfortune. Quipes's disappointment of his friends. 128

CHAPTER XI.

Table of Contents

The division of the party becomes more distinct. Admirable address of Eliphalet Fox at this juncture. Result of the election. Rejoicing of the True Grits. Jesse Ferret's difficulties. Is taken to task by his dame. Candid avowal of his embarrassments. Theodore Fog's exposition of True Grit principles. His good-natured encouragement of Jesse Ferret. Dabbs's treat. 147

CHAPTER XII.

Table of Contents

Third Era. Divisions in Quodlibet continue. Fomented by the women. Fog rather disappoints his friends by his course in the Legislature. Prostration of business in the Borough. Traced to the merchants. Mr. Flam's opinion of them, and the consequence thereof. Indignation of the New Lights against them. Fog's eulogium upon them. Movements of the True Grits. Fox's skillful management. The Tigertail affair. Mysterious termination of it. Nim Porter's indiscretion. 169

CHAPTER XIII.

Table of Contents

A political discussion at Abel Brawn's shop. Abel's views of the Sub-Treasury. Important communication made by Theodore Fog. The New Lights take ground against the banks. The Hon. Middleton Flam resigns the Presidency of the Copperplate Bank. Snuffers aspires to the succession. 181

CHAPTER XIV.

Table of Contents

Letter from a Cabinet officer to Mr. Flam. Directions to the Democracy. The Cabinet officer's mode of producing an impression. The President's determination in regard to the Independent Treasury. Warning to deserters. Candidates for Mr. Flam's place in the bank. Hardbottle elected. Theodore Fog's outbreak. He cools down and stands upon principle. Hardbottle unpopular. 194

CHAPTER XV.

Table of Contents

Unhappy event in the life of Nicodemus Handy. Consternation at Quodlibet. Disasters among the Directors. Explosion of the bank. Conversation between Theodore Fog and Mr. Grant. Fog's views of the question of distress. Compliment to Jesse Ferret. 201

CHAPTER XVI.

Table of Contents

A rapid review of one year. What the author is compelled to pretermit. The President's Sober Secondthought message received at Quodlibet with great rejoicing. The author communes with his reader touching New-Light principles. Illustrations of them. Remarkable dexterity of the Secretary. Interesting letter from the Hon. Middleton Flam. Dawning of the Presidential Canvass. The Northern man with Southern principles, and his mannikin. 214

CHAPTER XVII.

Table of Contents

Fourth Era. The Hon. Middleton Flam re-elected. The New Lights determine to stigmatize the Whigs as Federalists. Mr. Flam's instructions in regard to the Presidential Canvass. Nomination of Harrison and Tyler. Course of the New Lights. Formation of the Grand Central Committee of Unflinching New-Light Quodlibetarian Democrats. Its President, Secretary, and place of meeting. 225

CHAPTER XVIII.

Table of Contents

Proceedings of the Grand Central Committee. Vindication of the severity practiced against General Harrison. Tactics of the New Lights. Abolitionism. Selling white men for debt. Harrison a coward. Considerations which led to the naming of the opposition British Whigs. Stratagem against Harrison, and the clamor against him for not answering. Hope of the New Lights confirmed by the Connecticut, Rhode Island, and Virginia elections. Baltimore Convention a failure. Important letter from Mr. Flam. Amos Kendall's purpose to resign. Excitement of composition prescribed by his physician. Central Committee sanction the compilation of these annals. 232

CHAPTER XIX.

Table of Contents

Deserved compliment on Mr. Van Buren's exploit of the Florida War. The affair of the True Grits and Sergeant Trap. True Grits suffer a defeat. Flan Sucker's opinion upon the subject. His account of an action at law between Joe Snare and Ike Swingletree. 242

CHAPTER XX.

Table of Contents

These Chronicles draw to a close. The New Lights not displeased with Eliphalet Fox's discomfiture. Passage of the Independent Treasury Bill, and rejoicing thereon in Quodlibet. Changes. Interesting letter from the Dibble family. Mr. Flam returns to Quodlibet. His views of the Canvass. The President's reliance on the intelligence of the people. Ignominy and Insult of Federalism. Elections in Kentucky, Indiana, and North Carolina, Alabama, Missouri, and Illinois. Presidential election. Consternation of the Quods. Meeting of the Club. Quarrel of Theodore Fog and Hon. Middleton Flam. Defection of Fog and sundry True Grits. Second Split. Great uproar and confusion. 254

INTERLOCUTORS, ACTORS, AND OTHERS NOTED IN THIS HISTORY.

Table of Contents

NEW-LIGHT QUODLIBETARIAN DEMOCRATS.

Table of Contents

The Hon. Middleton Flam.

—Head of the New Lights, Representative of the district in Congress, President of the Copperplate Bank, intimate with the Secretary of the Treasury, an orator, a philosopher, and a man of large estate.

Nicodemus Handy.

—Projector of the Copperplate Bank, Cashier of the same, and some time second in command of the New Lights.

Simon Snuffers.

—Superintendent of the Hay Scales, and President of the New-Light Club.

Nathaniel Doubleday.

—Clerk of the Court and Vice of the Club.

S. S.—Author and Editor of this History, Principal of the District School, honorary member of several literary societies, and Secretary no less to the New-Light Club than to the Grand Central Committee of Unflinching New-Light Quodlibetarian Democrats—quorum magna pars fui.

Agamemnon Flag.

—Attorney-at-Law, formerly of Bickerbray. At one time the Regular Nomination Candidate. Disposed to be in love with Miss Handy.

Jacob Barndollar.

—Son-in-law of Jesse Ferret—of the firm of Barndollar & Hardbottle, Forwarding and Commission Merchants.

Anthony Hardbottle.

—Counterpart in said Firm. Elected President of the bank upon the resignation of Mr. Flam.

Zachary Younghusband.

—Postmaster of Quodlibet, Tin-plate worker, and member of the Grand Central Committee.

Theodore Fog.

—Attorney-at-Law. At one time Director of the bank, but compelled to resign on account of his habits. Independent candidate against Agamemnon Flag—member of the Legislature—a distinguished popular orator, and original founder of that branch of the New Lights known by the name of the True Grits.

Dr. Thomas G. Winkelman.

—Druggist, and soda-water pavilion keeper, physician in ordinary to the True Grits, and a man of great influence in that sect. Coroner of the county, contractor for the supply of medicines to the Almshouse, and ready to take any other office which might be vacant.

Nimrod Porter.

—Bar-keeper at The Hero, fond of betting, famous for trotting horses. A True Grit, but well inclined to the Mandarins.

Eliphalet Fox.

—Formerly editor of The Gabwrangle Grimalkin, but, through the influence of Mr. Flam, transferred to The Quodlibet Whole Hog,—an expectant of the Marshal's place, but disappointed. The Orderly of the True Grits.