The Forgiving Wife

Introduction

What is life?

James 4:14 KJV says, Your life is but a vapor and then vanishes away. That’s certainly true in my case. My life seemed to have passed before my eyes like a vapor, and I could not control it.

As I think back over the early days of my marriage, tears often come to my eyes. I was overwhelmed at the time, and even now, the memories of that period of my life are overwhelming.

As a young woman, I had been so focused on the excitement of getting married that I hadn’t even sat down to think about the reality of the days to come. I had been consumed with the feeling of being in a fairy tale and the belief that all my dreams had come true. All I could focus on were the beautiful flowers, dresses, and suits. I got to ride in a limousine and even had my own paparazzi. All the attention was on me. In my mind, this was happily ever after. What I didn’t realize was that the journey of a failing marriage had already begun.

Of course, no one goes into a marriage with the expectation of it failing. I didn’t understand that life will happen whether you want it to or not. Everything about my life has changed dramatically since that day: physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, and spiritually. Throughout it all, the Enemy tried to destroy my well-being, but little did he know that God had far better plans for my life. This book reveals my marriage of nineteen years; you will find that it unveils a lot of personal information and clears up all speculations as it relates to my marriage. It also shares my struggles, fears, and state of mind during the most difficult times of my life. This book was written to encourage marriages but, in particular, hurting women. There are a lot of hurting women out there with a story to tell but may be too embarrassed to talk about it, much less write about it. I wrote this book to assure you that you are not alone and to tell you how I survived behind the scenes. Yes, this spirit-filled woman of God went through the things revealed in this book, with some I had to conceal. Couldn’t tell it all! People look like they have it all together but they are hurting, dying inside. Again, this was certainly the case with me. The information given in this book reveals that you don’t have to continue living in that state of mind—you can live a better, healthy, productive, and peaceful life! The question is who or what’s controlling you? Who are you allowing to shape and steer your life? Before I got married, I thought I was letting God steer my life, but then my husband came along and I turned the wheel over to him. Wrong move. By the end of this book, you will have a better understanding of who needs to be at the steering wheel of your life. Unforgiveness can become your master or your enemy. Which one will you choose?

CHAPTER 1

So in Love

For I have learned that whatsoever state I’m in I have learned to be content.

(Philippians 4:11 KJV)

People often say that love is blind, and that was certainly true of me. When I first married Weston, I was so in love with him I saw no wrong in him. As far as I was concerned, he was the perfect man. After all, he was a Christian young man, and we both attended the same church.

I had seen him around the church for years before we started dating, but I never really took any interest in him apart from noticing that he was always well-dressed. Our parents were friends, but all I really knew about Weston was what I heard about him on the streets—and all of that dated back to before he gave his heart to the Lord.

As a young woman, I ran a salon out of my parents’ house, and one day in May of 1997, I had some plumbing problems. I called our plumber, who happened to be Weston’s father. He wasn’t home at the time, but Weston’s mother, who answered the phone, had an alternative. Weston was also a plumber, and she suggested that he come over to help me instead. She was always looking for a good wife for him, and since she had known me since I was young and had watched me grow up, she apparently thought that I would be a good choice for him. She hoped that sending him over to help me would be the perfect way to jump-start something between us.

He came over to check out my plumbing problem and got right to work. I already knew that he had given himself to the Lord about three years before, so I wasn’t worried about any conversation with him being inappropriate. We chatted as he worked, and our conversation flowed quite easily and naturally. We agreed to keep in touch, and that first meeting soon led to many more.

Four months later, on September 10—my birthday—we got engaged. Throughout our whole engagement, Weston was so sweet and attentive, though sometimes he expressed it in ways that were initially frustrating.

One night, about three months into our engagement, I was getting ready to go out with Weston when my mom asked me to help her and my three sisters. They claimed to be preparing food for a function at church that night, so I was happy to help. I pitched in and started cutting up herbs and frying chicken. Once that was done, I went back to getting dressed for my date. Weston had made plans to take me to a fancy restaurant out of town, so I wanted to look my best.

Weston was apparently running late, though. When he still hadn’t arrived to pick me up fifteen minutes after he said he would, I called him to see what was taking so long. He assured me that he would be there in about fifteen minutes. I was a bit annoyed but said okay and hung up.

Fifteen minutes passed. Then twenty. When half an hour had passed and Weston still hadn’t come, I decided to call him again. Just as I was about to pick up the phone, it rang. It was Weston, apologizing and assuring me that he was two minutes away. Sure enough, by the time I hung up, I saw headlights pulling into my driveway and heard the horn blowing.

We started to head to the restaurant, but he suddenly exclaimed, Oh my goodness!

What? What’s wrong? I asked.

I forgot the apple cider! (We don’t drink alcohol and the restaurant didn’t serve apple cider.) I’ve got to go back and get it!

Oh no, I said, you are not going back for that. We’re already late!

Weston absolutely paid no attention to me, though. He turned around at the nearest corner and headed back toward his parents’ house.

I was furious with him, but I didn’t say a word. He knew I was going to give him the silent treatment rather than explode in anger.

Finally, Weston pulled into the driveway of his parents’ house, parked, jumped out, and rushed into the house. Barely five seconds later, he came back out and called to me, Abby, come on in. Mom wants to see you and take a picture of you.

This woman can’t be serious, I thought. We’re already late for dinner, and she wants me to come in for a photo? Aloud, I said, Weston, tell your mom that we’re really running late and need to leave.

I don’t know what he told her, but she came to the door and called me in.

I was taught to always respect my elders, and with her being my future mother-in-law, I felt that I couldn’t disobey her, so I had no choice but to come inside. As I walked toward the house, I noticed that she and Weston were smiling. I couldn’t help but think, Really? I’m furious, and they’re smiling about it? They can’t be serious.

As I stepped over the threshold of the house, a roaring sound pierced my ears and seemed to jump-start my heart, as all of my family and friends shouted, Surprise! at the top of their lungs. They had planned a surprise bridal shower for me. My sister Kay had even come over from Freeport where she lived just to be there, and I was thrilled to see her. As I looked around at the huge gathering and the great spread of food and drinks, I realized that my mom and my other three sisters had tricked me into cooking for my own surprise shower earlier in the evening!

At this point, I broke down in tears of happiness. It was such a thoughtful gesture I could no longer be upset with my husband-to-be. That evening was a wonderful one of fun, laughter, food, drinks, and gifts.

Weston and I got married the following year, in March of 1998. Our wedding day was filled with laughter, excitement, love, and joy. I wanted it to never end. My four sisters and their husbands stood up with us, as did one of my new husband’s sisters and my best friend. The bridesmaids’ dresses were hunter green with rhinestone accents, which lit up the church as my sisters walked down the aisle with their husbands. They all looked stunning.

As I walked down the aisle with my father, Weston shed tears like he was Niagara Falls. To be fair, both the night before the wedding and just before it was time for my dad to walk me down the aisle, my father had been a flowing fountain as well. What’s up with all this crying? I wondered.

Later that very same day, we set off on our honeymoon. We flew into Fort Lauderdale from the little island of Abaco, which is one of the islands of the Bahamas and where I call my home. From Fort Lauderdale, we caught our connecting flight into Knoxville, Tennessee. Once there, we still had to drive another hour to get to our final destination of Nashville, Tennessee. Paris has always been my dream honeymoon destination, and it still is. However, after visiting Nashville on one of our family vacations, I fell in love with the place. The whole area is so peaceful and beautiful. I love the picturesque mountains and the quiet stillness of the morning when the only thing you can hear are the birds chirping and ducks quaking. Plus, I love being able to get up close and personal with the ducks. Thus, Nashville seemed like a great honeymoon choice. Plus, it’s definitely cheaper than Paris!

Upon our arrival, we checked into the hotel, where we had booked one of their finest honeymoon suits. That’s when I discovered that my new husband didn’t have enough funds to cover the cost of the room.

I hope this man didn’t bring me all the way to Nashville without any money, I thought, annoyed.

Where’s your credit card? he asked. Can I use it? I need another three hundred dollars to pay for the room.

At that moment, I was ready to explode. I felt like a volcano at its peak, ready to blow hot lava everywhere. My body was shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. Oh no, you didn’t! You did not bring me out here without enough money to pay for it, I screamed internally.

Thank God for His Holy Spirit, which interceded on my behalf. With His help, I was able to hold myself together and pull back all of these ungodly feelings. What do you need my card for? I asked quietly, as though I hadn’t heard him the first time. Don’t you have cash on you?

I’ll explain everything once we get to the room, Weston said. At least he had the good grace to look embarrassed, like an ostrich ready to sink its head into the ground.

I handed over my brand-new credit card, knowing that the second night of my marriage was going to be a very long one as we tried to figure out how we were going to survive financially for the duration of our trip.

Our walk to our room was a very long and quiet one. When Weston opened the door to our suite, I saw beautiful red rose petals strewn across the bed and along the top of the Jacuzzi. There were colorful flowers arranged on a gorgeous dark oak dining table set for two. Wine glasses stood at the ready. Everything was perfect, right down to the plush carpet so soft my feet sank right into it.

For a moment, I was caught up in our surroundings and almost forgot that there was an important issue at hand. With an effort, I snapped myself back to reality. Exactly how much money do you have? I asked once Weston had closed the door and followed me into the suite.

I only have fifty dollars left. I had six hundred dollars, but I used $550 on the room. That’s why I needed your card. I wanted to have some cash left to pay for dinner and things, and there was still a balance of $350 on the room.

Anger started to cloud my mind once again, and waves of heat rose within me. Who takes their new wife on a honeymoon with only six hundred dollars? What in the world had he been thinking? I was suddenly glad I hadn’t pushed for us to go to Paris after all.

I was frustrated. We hadn’t even been married for two days, and already we were having communication problems. If he didn’t have the money for our honeymoon, he should have been up front about it. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people pretend to be something they’re not, and my new husband had just done exactly that. What else am I going to find out about my new husband? I wondered.

Still, I was able to maintain my composure and asked, Why didn’t you just tell me that you couldn’t afford this? We could have just spent a few days in Florida instead. We could have even skipped the honeymoon. I’d rather know the truth than play make-believe. With tears flowing like an open faucet, I added, Being lied to is not a healthy way to start a marriage.

Weston had the good grace to be apologetic. With his head hanging in shame, he explained that he had tried to get a loan from the bank to pay for the honeymoon but had been denied. He assured me that it wouldn’t happen again and said we should just make the best of what we had.

Thank God for the funds we had received from friends