If You're Lonely: Finding Your Way
By Alan Wolfelt
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If You're Lonely - Alan Wolfelt
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The eternal quest of the individual human being is to shatter his loneliness.
—Norman Cousins
Loneliness hurts. It may feel like a twinge, a yearning, or an emptiness. It might be more pronounced at certain times than others, or it may be a constant dull ache.
Human beings are social creatures. While each of us is a capable, autonomous individual, we are not meant to exist for very long individually. Since time began, we’ve lived in social groups. We are built to interact with and rely on others. As a species, we developed highly complex languages—spoken and written—for the purpose of communicating with one another. We divvy up tasks and specialized skills among us because we appreciate that living well is a community effort.
Neurologically, we are also constructed to understand each other’s emotions. We have mirror neurons in our brains that fire not only when we ourselves have a certain experience but also when we witness or hear about someone else having that same experience. We are built for empathy, connection, and love.
If you have been feeling lonely, whether all of the time or some of the time, this book is for you. It’s possible to find your way out of loneliness. You are a worthy person who needs and deserves connection.
LONELINESS TODAY
To connect to others is a biological need. It ties back to the idea that to be a part of a group is adaptive to survival.
—Aspen Ideas
One of the great ironies of human life today is that even though there are more of us on this earth than ever, and even though technology has theoretically given us more ways to be connected with one another than ever, many of us have never felt more alone.
We are in the midst of a loneliness epidemic. It’s a crisis that cuts across cultures, continents, and classes. Britain has added a Minister for Loneliness to its federal government. In the United States, thirty-five percent of adults over the age of forty-five report feeling lonely. In one recent Cigna survey, over half of Americans said they always or sometimes feel that no one knows them well. And young people are lonely, too. Some studies have found that Millennials and Generation Z are the loneliest of all.
That’s the grand scale of the problem. The intimate, personal scale of the problem is the one you may be all too familiar with. That’s what we’re here to talk about: your loneliness, and what you can do about it.
WHAT IS LONELINESS?
Loneliness is the feeling of being empty, alone, and unwanted. It’s the discomfort or pain of wanting connection with other human beings but not having it. It’s an internal response to an external experience (or lack thereof).
We’ll tease apart the various facets of loneliness in a bit, but for now I’ll just say that from the outside looking in, loneliness is often invisible and undetectable. Not everyone who is lonely is alone. Some