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Autumn Stars

You May Not Know Today. You May Not Know Tomorrow. But One Day, It Will All Make Sense My Friend,

By: Kyle Belanger


JULY 8, 2012

CHAPTER 1: INNOCENCE,
JUST A BOY LOOKING THROUGH HIS TOY BOX ,
TOSSING THE ONES HE DOES NOT WANT ASIDE BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT THE ONES HE WANTS .

THEN HE FOUND IT ,
IT IS THE TOY HE DESIRED MOST OF ALL .

HE PLACED IT BACK IN ITS PLACE ,


HE JUST WANTED TO SEE ITS FACE ,

-THE TOY

SUMMER WAS IN FULL BLOOM. EVERYTHING ABOUT NATURE WAS JUST RINGING WITH GOOD HEALTH AND HAPPINESS . T HE GREEN OF THE TREES AND THE VIBRANT , ALLURE OF THE FLOWERS WAS SOMETHING OUT OF A DREAM . A DREAM WHERE PAIN DID NOT EXIST AND PLEASURE CAME FROM THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD IN WHICH I WAS JUST LIVING IN . I HAVE ALWAYS FANCIED THE IDEA OF JUST FINDING AN OPEN MEADOW , AND JUST SPENDING AN ENTIRE DAY RELAXING IN THE SOFT GRASS . IMAGINE A DAY AWAY FROM THE PROBLEMS OF YOURSELF AND SOCIETY , AND JUST GAZING AT THE AESTHETICS OF NATURE . M Y HEART ALWAYS STOPS FOR A SECOND AFTER THINKING ABOUT THIS WISH , EVEN TO THIS DAY BECAUSE I STILL LOOK FOR MY ESCAPE . I WAS NEVER IN TOUCH WITH MY AFFECTION AND DEEP LOVE FOR NATURE AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE , BUT WHAT STOOD OUT TO ME WAS THE ALLURE OF THE COLORS . WHENEVER I STEPPED OUTSIDE MY FRONT DOOR , THE PURPLE LILACS CAUGHT MY EYE . M Y EYE MAYBE ONLY GLANCED AT THEM FOR A SECOND , BUT THERE WAS A
SUBCONSCIOUS ADORNMENT FOR NATURE BUILDING INSIDE ME BECAUSE YOU ARE NEVER ABLE TO OUT RIGHTLY SAY YOU LOVE SOMETHING. I T TAKES TIME , OTHERWISE THE LOVE IS NOT SPECIAL BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING BEHIND IT THAT IS WHEN IT JUST BECOMES A FAADE OF WRONG BELIEFS .

THIS SUMMER WAS TO BE MINE THOUGH. I HAD IT ALL PLANNED OUT IN MY HEAD ; I WAS GOING TO DO WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY . I NEVER TOLD MYSELF THAT , BUT THE IGNORANCE OF NOT SAYING IT MADE IT EASIER TO ACTUALLY BE HAPPY . I WAS GOING TO BE WITH MY FRIENDS AND I WAS GOING TO PLAY SOCCER, AND IF I WAS NOT ABLE TO DO EITHER ONE OF THOSE , THEN SO BE IT . FOR ME TO THINK I WAS GOING TO BE PRODUCTIVE EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK WAS SUCH A SILLY THOUGHT . I WAS JUST A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD BOY ; THERE IS NO WAY I WAS GOING TO BE ABLE TO BRING MYSELF TO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE EVERY DAY IN SUMMER , AND TO HAVE A DAY OR TWO TO DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IS A FINE DAY BECAUSE EVERYBODY NEEDS SOME RELAXATION IN THEIR LIFE . I WAS ABLE TO GET BY NICELY WITH MY PLANS. I HAD A LOT OF FUN WITH MY FRIENDS . FROM THE SLEEPOVERS TO THE LATE NIGHTS ON XBOX LIVE TO THE DAYS WHERE WE JUST HUNG OUT IN THE SUN . THIS

WAS PROBABLY THE BEST SUMMER I EVER HAD IN MY LIFE , AND I WAS ALSO ABLE TO PLAY AN ADEQUATE AMOUNT OF SOCCER EVEN THOUGH MY TOWN DID NOT KEEP THE NETS UP AT THE PARK RIGHT BY MY HOUSE ,

AUGUST AS SUMMER WAS COMING TO A CLOSE , THINGS CHANGED IN MY LIFE THAT CHANGED THE COURSE OF MY LIFE .
BUT ONE DAY IN LATE

CHAPTER TWO: THE FALL,


Sliding, falling. Help me, save me. Is this the end? Or is it just, The beginning? -Unknown Fate

I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A NIGHT PERSON. THE SCENERY OF THE NIGHT SKY , THE BRIGHT MOON AND GLISTENING STARS ARE MY VISUAL ELIXIRS . I HAVE ALWAYS FOUND THIS SORT OF CHILDISH JOY IN STAR GAZING . GOING ON MY DECK LATE AT NIGHT , AND JUST LOOKING UP TO THE STARS. I KIND OF FELT NUMB WHEN I DID IT BECAUSE AS THE STARS WERE GLOWING IN THE DARKNESS I WAS NOT , BUT I WAS NOT JUST A SILHOUETTE EITHER . M Y EYES, MY EYES HAD A BIT OF RADIANT , WHITE LIGHT IN THEM . THE REFLECTION OF THE MILLIONS OF STARS AND THE LONELY MOON WAS ACTING AS ONE LIGHT ON MY EYES . M Y SOUL WAS REACHING FOR THEM , MY SOUL WANTED TO ESCAPE . BECAUSE IN THE MOMENT I WAS LOOKING AT ALL OF THESE OLD AND YOUNG STARS , A PART OF ME WANTED TO BE WITH THEM . TO BE PART OF A FAMILY , TO BE PART OF A PICTURE PERFECT SCENE WAS A CALMNESS THAT EASED MY INSIDES . Y OU CAN NEVER FIND YOUR WAY IN THE DARK UNLESS YOU HAVE A LIGHT TO GUIDE YOU . SO WHY NOT BECOME PART OF THE LIGHT ? BECOME SOMETHING SO BRIGHT IT HELPS THE LOST . S AILORS USE TO USE THE STARS TO GO ACROSS THE ATLANTIC OCEAN AND GALILEO USE TO DO ENDLESS AMOUNTS OF WORK THROUGH THE PLANETS AND STARS. IMAGINE , BEING SOMETHING THAT HAS GUIDED AND HELPED THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE AND CONTRIBUTED SO MUCH TO A WORLD , WHILE BEING SO FAR AWAY . I LIVE ON EARTH, AND I HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE WORLD . WHILE THESE BRIGHT STARS ARE MILLIONS OF LIGHT YEARS AWAY , AND THEY HAVE CREATED THEORIES, ROUTES, AND INSPIRATIONS . T HE STARS, THEY CALL FOR ME BUT THEIR SILENCE IS THE SWEETEST SONG I WILL NEVER HEAR . ONE NIGHT THOUGH , I WAS ON THE COMPUTER AND A FRIEND OF MINE INSTANT MESSAGED ME . HE TOLD ME A GIRL LIKED ME , AND I THOUGHT HE WAS PULLING MY LEG BECAUSE I SPENT MY WHOLE SUMMER AWAY FROM GIRLS . TURNS OUT THOUGH , A GIRL DID LIKE ME . SHE AND I HAD A ONE MONTH FLING A FEW MONTHS BEFORE SCHOOL ENDED , AND IT WAS JUST IN MY PAST . I NEVER REALLY GAVE WHAT HER AND I HAD A SECOND THOUGHT BECAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING THERE , IT WAS ONE MONTH AND SHE STARTED DATING ANOTHER GUY A WEEK AFTER SHE BROKE UP WITH ME . SO I WAS LIKE , SURE I WILL GIVE IT ANOTHER GO EVERYBODY DESERVES A SECOND CHANCE BECAUSE MAYBE THE FIRST WAS NOT THE RIGHT TIME . AND IT WAS THE BEST DECISION I EVER MADE . WE CLICKED , IT WAS NOTHING LIKE THE LAST TIME WE TRIED GOING OUT . THIS TIME SHE HAD A GLOW TO HERSELF, SHE WAS SMILING WHEN I WAS AROUND. SHE SEEMED A LOT HAPPIER TH AROUND ME , AND WE STARTED OFFICIALLY DATING ON SEPTEMBER 26 , 2009. I WAS SO HAPPY , MY MIND

WAS AT SIMPLICITY . EVERYTHING MADE SENSE TO ME . I HAD THE SECOND BEST SEASON OF MY SOCCER CAREER , AND I WAS ELECTED TO 2
ND

TEAM ALL - LEAGUE AS A SOPHOMORE . THAT MADE ME PROUD OF MYSELF FOR

MONTHS. I HAD NO GOALS BUT I DID HAVE A LOT OF ASSISTS IT WAS A WISH OF MINE AND IT CAME TRUE .

SCHOOL WAS BUSINESS AS USUAL FOR ME , I MANAGED TO MAKE THE HONOR ROLL EVERY MARKING PERIOD EXCEPT FOR ONE BECAUSE I HAD A C IN CHEMISTRY BUT THAT CLASS WAS DIFFICULT SO I WAS NOT TOO UPSET OVER THE MARK . M Y SOCIAL LIFE WAS ALL I COULD EVER WANT . I WAS COMFORTABLE WITH THE GROUP I HUNG OUT WITH , AND THEY WERE COMFORTABLE WITH ME . WE WERE ALWAYS LAUGHING, AND WE WERE ALWAYS TALKING TO EACH OTHER . THIS WAS THE BEST YEAR OF MY HIGH SCHOOL TENURE. I HAD A LOVING GIRLFRIEND , LOVING FRIENDS , AND A LOVING FAMILY . I FELT SECURE LIKE I COULD HANDLE ANYTHING. EVEN THOUGH THIS WAS A TIME IN MY LIFE WHERE I HAD AN, I DO NOT CARE TYPE OF ATTITUDE . WHENEVER I WAS UPSET , I WOULD HIDE BEHIND THIS WALL OF ANGER . I DID NOT LIKE COMING OFF AS WEAK , AND BEING SAD WAS WEAK IN MY MIND . I CREATED THIS WALL , THIS WALL THAT WOULD PROTECT ME . I WOULD NOT LET ANYONE PAST THIS WALL NOT EVEN HER BECAUSE I WANTED TO HANDLE EVERYTHING ON MY OWN . I NEVER WENT TO MY FRIENDS WHEN I WAS UPSET BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I COULD HANDLE ANYTHING ON MY OWN . I WAS REALLY LOOKING OUT FOR MYSELF, AND IF SOMEONE NEEDED HELP I WAS LIMITED IN SERVICE TO THEM BECAUSE I WAS NOT A CARING PERSON. AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE , MY HAPPINESS AND WHAT I WANTED CAME FIRST BEFORE ANYONE ELSE S . I STILL RECALL BREAKING UP WITH HER ONE DAY AFTER SCHOOL LATE IN THE SCHOOL YEAR . SHE WAS BEING STUBBORN , SHE WAS NOT TELLING ME EVERYTHING THAT WAS BOTHERING HER . I BROKE UP WITH HER , AFTER FIVE DAYS OF HER HAVING A GRIMACE ON HER FACE WHENEVER I WAS AROUND . I COULD NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE . SHE WAS BROKEN WHEN I TOLD HER AFTER SCHOOL, I DID IT OVER A TEXT BECAUSE I DID NOT WANT TO SEE HER REACTION . I DID GET A FLOOD OF TEXTS, SHE EXPRESSED HER REMORSE AND HER PAIN ABOUT THE SITUATION, AND FOR THE FIRST TIME I FOUND MYSELF HAVING THIS CARING SIDE TO ME . SO, WE MET UP AT THE PARK BY MY HOUSE TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING . THE TALK WAS ONLY ABOUT FIFTEEN MINUTES LONG. I ENDED UP GETTING BACK TOGETHER WITH HER ABOUT FIVE MINUTES INTO THE DISCUSSION . I DID NOT REALLY GIVE IT MUCH THOUGHT BECAUSE I LOVED HER AND SHE WAS CRYING , SO I GAVE HER WHAT SHE WANTED EVEN THOUGH A LITTLE PART OF ME DID NOT WANT TO. I GUESS YOU CAN SAY I DID NOT LOVE HER AT THAT POINT , BUT I DID LOVE HER AFTER . I NEVER BROKE UP WITH HER AFTER THAT DAY . I SETTLED DOWN AND BEGAN TO REALIZE WHAT A RELATIONSHIP WAS TO ME . THIS WAS MY FIRST STEP INTO MY MATURATION . I BEGAN TO SEE WHAT WOMEN ARE, THEY ARE NOT A TROPHY A MAN SHOULD FLAUNT AROUND AND TREAT LIKE THE DIRT AROUND HIS FEET . WOMEN ARE EQUALS . A RELATIONSHIP IS BUILT UPON BOTH SIDES . M AN AND WOMAN , MAN AND MAN , OR WOMAN AND WOMAN EACH ONE OF THEM PLAY THEIR ROLE IN THE QUEST FOR LOVE . THAT IS WHY THE LOVE HEART OF THE RELATIONSHIP NEVER BREAKS EVENLY . THE ONLY TIME THE LOVE IS EQUAL , IS WHEN THE TWO STAY TOGETHER FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES . OTHER THAN THAT , THE HEART SHATTERS INTO TWO DIFFERENT SIZE PIECES . THAT DAY WHEN I BROKE UP WITH HER , HER PIECE OF OUR HEART WAS LARGER THAN MINE. SHE TOOK IT

HARDER BECAUSE SHE LOVED ME MORE THAN I LOVED HER . WE DID PUT OUR PIECES BACK TOGETHER THOUGH , AND FROM THAT POINT ON IT WAS LIKE WE WERE EQUAL AGAIN . BECAUSE SHE LOST A PIECE OF HER SIDE OF THE HEART THAT DAY AND I GAINED A LITTLE BIT MORE TO MINE . IS THAT A BAD THING ? N O, IT MADE THE LOVE WE HAD CLOSER TO EQUILIBRIUM AND IT SHOWED WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL . THIS WAS MY FALL , I FELL FOR HER AGAIN . IN MY MIND I WAS OVER HER BECAUSE SHE WAS NOT THE GIRL I ASKED OUT , AND SHE DID NOTHING TO REACH OUT TO ME TO SHOW PART OF HER WAS STILL THERE . I STILL REMEMBER ONE DAY IN LUNCH WHERE OF THE SIMPLEST GESTURES OF LOVE WAS DENIED . I OVERRULED THAT IDEA OF BEING OVER HER . I WAS NOT OVER HER , I WAS OVER THE BAD SIDE OF HER . I WAS NOT OVER THE SIDE OF HER THAT LOVED ME . WHICH IS WHY THAT DAY AT THE PARK I SAW THAT SIDE OF HER . I SAW IN HER BLUE EYES , THE LOOK I FIRST SAW WHEN I GAZED DEEP INTO HER EYES. HER EYES TOLD ME EVERYTHING I NEEDED TO KNOW. T HE TEARS ACTED AS CLEANSERS, THEY WASHED OUT THE DULLNESS THAT HER EYES HAD FOR THE PAST FEW DAYS IT WAS LIKE A PHOENIX BEING BORN OUT OF THE ASHES OF ITS OLD SELF .

OFFERED MY HAND TO HER, AND SHE DID NOT TAKE IT . I SAW HER GLANCE AT IT , BUT SHE DID NOT TAKE IT . ONE

THE REBIRTH OF OUR LOVE, IT DID NOT MEAN MUCH AND I NEVER REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT THAT DAY OR THE DAY AFTER . IF I EVER HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT , IT WAS PROBABLY A FEW MINUTES OF JUST WONDERING WHAT MY LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE HAD I NEVER TAKEN HER BACK , BUT NOW WHEN I LOOK BACK UPON THAT DAY , I HAVE NO REGRET IN THE DECISION I MADE . I EMBRACE MYSELF FOR CHOOSING TO TAKE THE GIRL I LOVE BACK BECAUSE IF I NEVER MADE THAT DECISION I MAY NEVER HAVE TURNED OUT TO BE THE MAN I AM TODAY . IF I REGRET A DECISION THEN I HAVE TO CARRY THAT REGRET FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE , AND IT IS SO MUCH HARDER TO BE HAPPY ABOUT A REGRET THAN IT IS TO BE HAPPY ABOUT A RIGHT DECISION . BECAUSE IN THE END , HAPPINESS IS ALL THAT MATTERS. MONEY IS NOT GOING TO CARRY ON TO WHATEVER HAPPENS AFTER THIS LIFE , AND ALL YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS WERE JUST PORTIONS OF YOUR LIFE . WE ARE ALL ON THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS , NOBODY LIKES BEING MISERABLE OR DEPRESSED . IN HAPPINESS WE FIND OUR TRUE SELVES , AND IN OUR TRUE SELVES WE LIVE HAPPILY . N OT EVERYONE GETS TO LIVE A LONG , HEALTHY LIFE , BUT THOSE PEOPLE WHO DIE YOUNG OR DIE IN AGONY , THEY WOULD EASILY TRADE THEIR ANGUISH AND MISERY FOR HAPPINESS BECAUSE THAT IS THE GREATEST GIFT LIFE HAS TO OFFER ANYONE . HAPPINESS IS THIS ETERNAL BLISS THAT GOES BEYOND FEELING AND EXPERIENCING BECAUSE HAPPINESS IS THE AIR OF THE SOUL . WITHOUT HAPPINESS, OUR SOUL BECOMES WEAKER AND DEPENDING HOW STRONG YOUR SOUL IS, IT DETERMINES HOW LONG WE CAN LIVE ON WITHOUT HAPPINESS . AND OUR SOUL LIVES IN THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEART BECAUSE IT IS SAFE DOWN THERE , AND HAPPINESS CAN EASILY FIND ITS WAY TO THERE BECAUSE THE HEART IS THE LIGHT OF THE BODY . SO TAKE OF YOUR HEART BECAUSE THE PAIN IT FEELS IS REAL , AND THAT PAIN IS LIFE THREATENING . I WAS TAKING GOOD CARE OF MY HEART WITH THE DWINDLING MONTHS OF SCHOOL REMAINING . ULTIMATELY , SCHOOL CAME TO AN END AND SUMMER WAS STARTING AGAIN. TWO YEARS OF HIGH SCHOOL DOWN THE DRAIN , AND I WAS GOING TO BE A JUNIOR. I HAD A LOVING GIRLFRIEND , LOVING FRIENDS , AND A LOVING FAMILY . WHAT MORE COULD A BOY WANT IN HIS YOUNG LIFE ?

CHAPTER THREE: HER (PART I),


WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN , IVE BEEN LOST IN THE SILENCE . YOU MADE ONE SOFT SOUND,
AND I FEEL LIKE I VE BEEN FOUND .

DO YOU MIND
IF YOU STICK AROUND FOR A BIT ?

STAY

LOVE TO ME IS REAL . ONE PROBLEM I HAVE WITH THE CONCEPT OF LOVE IS THAT PEOPLE TAKE IT TOO LIGHTLY . I SEE YOUNG PEOPLE ALL THE TIME THINKING THEY KNOW WHAT LOVE IS AFTER THREE MONTHS OF DATING . I CRINGE WHEN I HEAR THEM SAY THEY HAVE THE PERFECT BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE NOBODY IS PERFECT . WE ALL HAVE FLAWS IT IS HUMAN NATURE , BUT IN THOSE BLEMISHES WE EMBRACE OUR LOVER BECAUSE IT BRINGS OUT THE GOOD IN US AND THE BEAUTY IN THEM . MY OTHER PROBLEM WITH LOVE IS THE CARELESSNESS . I UNDERSTAND PEOPLE WHO LIKE PLEASURE , BUT I DO NOT UNDERSTAND PEOPLE WHO GO FROM RELATIONSHIP TO RELATIONSHIP . ONE DAY TO THEM , THEIR LOVER IS THE WORLD TO THEM AND THEN THE NEXT DAY THEY ARE JUST ANOTHER FACE . THAT IS NOT LOVE . THERE IS NO LOVE IN IGNORING SOMEONE WHO USE TO BRIGHTEN YOUR DAYS AND MAKE YOU LAUGH. T HERE IS NO LOVE IN FORGETTING ALL THE GOOD THEY HAVE DONE AND JUST BASH THEM FOR THE WRONGS . LOVE IS JUST A WORD , BUT WHEN YOU CUSHION IT IN-BETWEEN I AND YOU, IT BECOMES A BRIDGE . THE CONNECTION HAS BEEN MADE , AND TWO PEOPLE HAVE SOMETHING A LOT OF PEOPLE DO NOT . UNFORTUNATELY , SOME MAKE THE CONNECTION WITH A POOR FOUNDATION, THE WRONG TIME , OR JUST WITH THE WRONG PERSON . T HAT IS WHEN THE BRIDGE COLLAPSES , AND SOMEONE FALLS WITH IT . THE OTHER PERSON JUST WATCHES , MAYBE OFFERING A HAND , BUT THEY WATCH AS THEIR ROAD CRUMBLES . AND WHEN IT IS ALL OVER , THEY WIPE THE DUST OFF THEIR SHOULDERS AND WALK AWAY . W HILE THE OTHER PERSON HAS TO STAND BACK UP . RISE FROM THE PAIN , RISE FROM THE BROKEN PIECES, AND RISE FOR THEIR OWN SELF. I STILL REMEMBER WHEN I THOUGHT I LOVED HER.
SHE WAS THE AIR I BREATHED ,
SHE WAS THE WATER I DRANK .

A DAY WITH HER WAS A DAY WITH LOVE , LIFE WAS SWEET BUT SHE WAS SWEETER . -HER

SHE WAS EVERYTHING TO ME GOING INTO THE SUMMER. THIS IS WHERE I BEGAN TO PUT HER AHEAD OF ME . I WAS AVOIDING HANGING OUT WITH MY FRIENDS TO GO HANG OUT WITH HER, OR SOMETIMES JUST CUT IT SHORT WITH THEM AND HANG OUT WITH HER FOR A BIT . I NEVER DID THIS A WHOLE LOT , BUT I WAS DOING MORE THAN I EVER USE TO . I EVEN REDUCED THE AMOUNT OF TIME I WAS PLAYING SOCCER BECAUSE I ENJOYED TALKING TO HER SO MUCH . I DID NOT CARE THOUGH , SHE WAS THE ONE IN MY MIND . HER BLUE EYES WERE SO PRETTY. I LOVED LOOKING INTO THEM . HER SOFT BLONDE HAIR WAS SO NICE TO RUN MY FINGERS THROUGH . I LOVED THAT SHE LIKED ME PLAYING WITH HER HAIR , IT SMELLED NICE TOO . THE AROMA OF FLOWERS MADE IT EVEN MORE ENJOYABLE . I USE TO ALWAYS SAY I DID NOT LIKE HER CURLY HAIR , NOT BECAUSE I DO NOT LIKE CURLS , BUT SHE LOOKED SO GORGEOUS IN STRAIGHT HAIR . ALTHOUGH I DO HAVE TO ADMIT WHEN SHE CURLED HER HAIR THERE WAS CERTAIN ALLURE TO HER . I GOT DRAWN INTO HER FACE , AND SHE JUST HAD THIS NATURAL BEAUTY TO HER THAT OTHER GIRLS LACKED . T HAT WAS ANOTHER THING, SHE HAS NATURAL BEAUTY . I ALWAYS TOLD HER TO STOP WEARING MAKE - UP BECAUSE I LIKED HER WITHOUT IT . THAT IS NOT TO SAY I DID NOT LIKE HER WHEN SHE HAD IT ON , BUT IT TOOK AWAY FROM NATURAL COLOR . A ND MY EYES LOST INTEREST FOR SOME REASON WHEN SHE DID . THERE WERE TIMES WHERE SHE WOULD WEAR EYE SHADOW THAT WOULD BRING OUT HER EYES . I STILL REMEMBER THE COLOR , IT WAS GREEN . GREEN IS MY FAVORITE COLOR SO I REALLY ADORED IT ON HER. COULD YOU IMAGINE BEING LOST IN SOMEONE ELSES EYES? I USE TO KNOW THAT FEELING. WHEN SHE WOULD TALK TO ME , AND I WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO LISTEN ; BUT I WAS NEVER ABLE TO KNOW HOW MUCH I THOUGHT OF SOMEONE UNTIL I LOOKED INTO THEIR EYES . WHAT I SAW IS INDESCRIBABLE WHEN I LOOKED INTO HER EYES BECAUSE AS SOON AS I GLANCED AWAY , MY MIND WENT BLANK FOR A SECOND . ALMOST AS IF IT WAS CLEARING MY MIND SO I WOULD GO BACK FOR ANOTHER LOOK. HER SMILE WAS NOT THE BEST SMILE , BUT IT WAS A SMILE I COULD NOT HELP BUT FEEL HAPPY WHEN I SAW IT . AND IF I WAS EVER A REASON FOR HER SMILE THEN I WAS DOING MY JOB . I DID WHATEVER I COULD TO SEE THAT SMILE . I WOULD TELL HER SWEET WORDS AND SAYINGS , I WOULD TICKLE HER , I WOULD KISS HER FOREHEAD WHATEVER WAS POSSIBLE . IF I WAS LUCKY HER LAUGH WOULD SNEAK ALONG WITH HER SMILE , IT WAS A GIFT . S HE HAD THIS GIGGLE AS A LAUGH , THAT MIGHT NOT BE A CONTAGIOUS LAUGH BUT TO ME IT WAS JUST CUTE . IT RANG OF INNOCENCE AND SINCERITY . WE HAD A GOOD SUMMER TOGETHER, THIS WAS THE BEST SUMMER WE HAD TOGETHER . SCHOOL WAS ABOUT TO START UP AGAIN THOUGH , JUNIOR YEAR TO BE EXACT . WE WERE UPPERCLASSMAN . IT WAS SO WEIRD TO BOTH OF US , BUT IT WAS EASY TO ACCEPT THAT PART OF REALITY . I WAS GOING TO SEE MY FRIENDS MORE OFTEN , AND SHE WAS GOING TO SEE HERS TOO . N EITHER ONE OF US HAD DOUBTS THOUGH , WE WERE AS STRONG AS EVER GOING INTO THE NEW SCHOOL YEAR. I DID NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO FEAR OR WORRY ABOUT .

CHAPTER FOUR: SLOW INSTABILITY,


MOVE TOWARDS THE LIGHT
NOTHING CAN STAY HIDDEN FOR LONG .

FAST FEET AND A QUICK MIND


MAKE FOR BETTER TIME .

BUT WHAT IS A MOMENT ,


IF IT JUST PASSES YOU BY ?

GO A LONG

THE FUTURE IS SOMETHING THAT IS RIDDLED WITH UNCERTAINTY AND MYSTERY . DECISIONS HAVE TO BE CHOSEN AND CHOICES HAVE TO BE MADE . THAT DOES NOT NECESSARILY MAKE THE FUTURE SOMETHING TO FEAR HOWEVER . THE FUTURE IS SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO . CHANGE IS INEVITABLE , WITHOUT CHANGE LIFE WOULD BE NO FUN AND LIFE WOULD BE TOO SIMPLE. CHANGE CREATES PROGRESS, IT IS NEVER MEANT TO DESTROY . CHANGE MAY DEFER BUT IT NEVER DESTROYS . CHANGE NEVER KILLS EITHER BECAUSE IT IS NOT AN ANIMATE OBJECT . THE BEST THING ABOUT CHANGE IS THAT IT ALWAYS COMES WITH AN EXPERIENCE . AN EXPERIENCE THAT TEACHES A LESSON THAT SCHOOL OR YOUR PARENTS OR RELIGION CAN TEACH. THEY ALL MAY SPEAK OF AN EXPERIENCE , BUT THOSE ARE JUST WORDS THAT DO NOT STICK BECAUSE WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND THEM , YET . THAT IS WHY CHANGE IS SO IMPORTANT ; IT IS MORE PSYCHOLOGICAL THAN PHYSICAL . HUMAN NATURE HAS A TRAIT OF ADAPTATION TO THEIR ENVIRONMENT , BUT WHAT IT LACKS IS THE ADAPTATION TO WHAT THEY BELIEVE IN OR THINK CONSTANTLY ABOUT . HUMANS CAN ACCEPT A LOSS PHYSICALLY , WHAT MAKES IT SO HARD THOUGH IS THE MIND CANNOT . OUR MIND, OUR HEART AND OUR SOUL BECOME ATTACHED . THEY BEGIN TO RELY ON OTHERS WHO BECOME CLOSE TO US , OR PLACES THAT WE BEGIN TO SEE AS OUR HOME . WHAT COMES NEXT IS THE CONVICTION THAT IT BECOMES A PART OF US, PEOPLE , ANIMALS, OR PLACES GROW INTO A PART OF WHO WE ARE . THE SCHOOL YEAR STARTED OUT TERRIBLY FOR ME . THIS SOCCER SEASON WAS THE WORST ONE I EVER HAD . NOT STATISTICALLY BECAUSE I HAD JUST AS MANY ASSISTS AS I DID MY SOPHOMORE YEAR, I EVEN HAD TWO GOALS TOO , BUT THE TEAM AND THE COACH WERE BOTH JUST A MESS . THE COACH, WHO IS A VERY NICE GUY , WAS JUST AWFUL . I FELT LIKE I WAS TARGETED BECAUSE I I LIKED THE OLD COACH (WHO HAD TO TAKE A YEAR OFF FOR PERSONAL REASONS ) MORE IN THE PAST TWO YEARS I HAVE BEEN PLAYING . I STILL REMEMBER THE GAME WHERE WE PLAYED THE WORST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE , AND WE PLAYED TERRIBLY . WE ONLY MANAGED TO WIN BY A GOAL OR TWO , I DID NOT CARE ABOUT THE SCORE AT ALL TO BE HONEST . WHAT MADE ME UPSET WAS PLAYING TEN MINUTES IN THE SECOND HALF, NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG OR BADLY , AND THEN GETTING SUBBED OUT . IN MY MIND I THOUGHT I WAS JUST GETTING A FIVE MINUTE BREAK AND I WILL GET SUBBED BACK IN . TURNS OUT , I DID NOT GET PUT BACK IN THE GAME . WHEN I CAME OUT , I DID NOT GET A

GOOD JOB OR A HIGH FIVE FROM THE COACH LIKE EVERYONE ELSE WAS GETTING I GOT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING .

I WAS BEING TREATED LIKE I WAS ONE OF THE JUNIOR VARSITY KIDS ON THE TEAM . I COULD NOT EVEN GO ON THE BUS BACK HOME WITH THE TEAM BECAUSE I DID NOT FEEL LIKE I WAS EVEN PART OF THE TEAM . M Y MOM AND ONE OF THE ASSISTANT COACHES THOUGHT I WAS QUITTING . I COULD NEVER QUIT THE GAME I LOVE , BUT IT WAS SOMETHING I PONDERED FROM TIME TO TIME . THE TWO CAPTAINS I HAD WERE NOT CAPTAINS. O NE OF THEM WOULD YELL AT ME IF I TOOK A SHOT AND NOT PASS TO HIM . THE OTHER WAS THE COACHS SON, AND HE WOULD GET THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT MOST OF THE TIME FROM HIS DAD . I HATED THE WHOLE SOCCER YEAR . I HATED THE SENIORS BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE BETTER THAN THEY WERE , AND IF THEY MADE A MISTAKE THEY WOULD LOOK TO BLAME IT ON SOMEONE ELSE OR MAKE A LAUGHABLE EXCUSE . I STILL REMEMBER IN THE PLAYOFF GAME , WHEN THE STARTERS GOT INTO THE HUDDLE RIGHT BEFORE KICK - OFF, THE CAPTAIN WHO I DISLIKED THE MOST SAID TO US, THIS IS IT GUYS , YOU GUYS (ANYONE NOT A SENIOR ) THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE AT BEING IN THE PLAYOFFS. I LITERALLY WANTED TO YELL AT HIM RIGHT THERE FOR SAYING THAT , BUT I DID NOT BECAUSE THAT WOULD JUST BE STUPID OF ME TO DO SO . INSTEAD , I PLAYED MY GAME BUT WHEN WE WENT DOWN 3-1, I STOPPED CARING . I REALIZED I WANTED SOCCER TO BE OVER . FROM GETTING TAKEN OUT IN THE SCRIMMAGES AT PRACTICE AS THE ONLY UPPERCLASSMAN WHO STARTED , TO THE CAPTAINS SWEARING ALMOST EVERY PRACTICE AT SOMEONE ON THE TEAM I HAD ENOUGH. AND WHEN THAT WHISTLE BLEW WHEN WE LOST THAT GAME , I WAS ECSTATIC BECAUSE IT WAS OVER . F OR THE FIRST TIME EVER, I WAS HAPPY THAT I LOST A SOCCER GAME . SCHOOL WAS THE SAME FOR ME. CLASSES I WENT THROUGH THE MOTIONS, PUTTING MORE EFFORT INTO THE ONES I LIKED MORE AND LESS INTO THE ONES THAT I THOUGHT WERE BORING . I GOT BY , I PASSED BOTH MY AP EXAMS AND HAD AS AND BS AGAIN . MY FRIENDS AND I HAD A GOOD YEAR , BUT THERE WAS ONE INSTANCE THAT CHANGED THE GROUP FOR ME . THE SCHOOL YEAR WAS ALMOST OVER , WE WERE PLAYING KNOCKOUT IN GYM CLASS . M Y FRIEND SWORE AT ME OVER A TRIVIAL MATTER , AND I SWORE BACK AT HIM . WE DID NOT TALK FOR THE REST OF THE SCHOOL YEAR. IF I SWORE FIRST I WOULD HAVE APOLOGIZED , BUT I WANTED AN APOLOGY . I DID NOTHING WRONG AND WAS CUSSED AT SO I WAITED . I DID NOT HAVE SUCH GREAT LUCK WITH HER THOUGH . THE FIRST HALF OF THE YEAR WE WERE DOING FINE , BUT THEN THINGS BEGAN TO CHANGE FOR HER AND I. FIRST WAS MY MOOD SWINGS. I STILL DO NOT KNOW WHY I WOULD GET MAD AND JUST WANT TO SHUT THE WORLD OUT , BUT I DID IT SO MUCH . IN STUDY HALL I WOULD PUT MY HEADPHONES IN AND PUT MY HEAD DOWN JUST SO I WOULD NOT HAVE TO TALK TO LISTEN TO ANYONE , NOT EVEN HER . SHE HATED THEM , SHE USE TO TALK TO HER FRIENDS ABOUT MY MOOD SWINGS. SHE HAD A NICKNAME FOR THE FACE I HAD WHEN I WAS MAD . THAT MADE ME A LITTLE UPSET ; NOT
KNOWING WHAT SHE WAS SAYING TO HER FRIENDS ABOUT ME AND THEN OPENLY TELLING ME THAT WAS A LITTLE RUDE .

MY BIRTHDAY CAME ALONG, MARCH ELEVENTH. SHE DID NOT GET ME A PRESENT. I WAS HOPING FOR TWO WEEKS AFTER MY BIRTHDAY SHE WAS GOING TO GIVE ME SOMETHING , BUT SHE NEVER DID . INSTEAD , SHE

BROKE UP WITH ME . I WAS DEVASTATED . I WAS NOT HIT HARD BY THE BREAK UP , BUT I COULD NOT ACCEPT IT . I CONTINUED TO TALK TO HER AND TEXT HER . SHE WENT ON A SCHOOL TRIP TO SPAIN, AND ALL I COULD THINK WAS WHETHER OR NOT SHE WAS GOING TO STAY LOYAL TO ME EVEN IF SHE WAS NOT OFFICIALLY MY GIRLFRIEND . S HE CAME BACK , SHE TOLD ME SHE DID NOT DO ANYTHING . SHE TALKED ABOUT HOW SHE IGNORED THIS GUY WHO WAS MAKING MOVES ON HER, AND ONE OF MY FRIENDS WHO WENT ON THE TRIP TOO DID NOT KNOW OF HER DOING ANYTHING . SO I ENDED UP BELIEVING HER.

A FEW WEEKS LATER , WE GOT BACK TOGETHER . IT WAS NOT EASY , THOSE WEEKS SEEMED LIKE MONTHS
TO ME .

PROM CAME ALONG A FEW WEEKS AFTER WE GOT BACK TOGETHER. I THOUGHT THIS WAS MY CHANCE TO SHOW HER HOW GOOD OF A BOYFRIEND I WOULD BE . I PAID FOR EVERYTHING . I BOUGHT THE TICKETS , I BOUGHT HER A NICE CHOICEST , AND I EVEN TOLD HER I WOULD HANG OUT WITH HER FRIENDS AFTER PROM . BASICALLY, I WAS DOING EVERYTHING SHE WANTED TO DO . AT PROM I WAS GETTING HER DRINKS, LETTING HER DANCE WITH HER FRIENDS , LETTING HER DANCE WITH ME , AND I WAS TAKING PICTURES IN A PHOTO BOTH WITH HER. I WAS NOT HAVING A GREAT TIME , BUT I WAS SURE MAKING IT SEEM LIKE I WAS. WHAT MADE ME UPSET WAS WHEN I SAW HER EXCHANGING PHONE NUMBERS WITH ANOTHER GUY , BUT I THOUGHT NOTHING OF IT BECAUSE THE GUY WAS TALKING TO ANOTHER GIRL AT THE TIME . PROM ENDED AND WE WENT TO HANG OUT AT ONE OF HER FRIEND S HOUSE . IT WAS NOT THAT BAD OF A TIME . I HAD MY FRIEND THERE AND ANOTHER FRIEND WHO STAYED FOR A BIT , BUT HAD TO LEAVE WHEN HIS DATE DID . I WAS REALLY UPSET WHEN IT CAME TIME TO WATCH THE MOVIE . M Y FRIEND AND HIS GIRLFRIEND WERE CUDDLING ON THE AIR MATTRESS, AND ONE OF HER OTHER FRIENDS DID NOT HAVE ANYONE TO CUDDLE WITH BECAUSE SHE WAS ALONE . I HAD HER TO CUDDLE WITH, BUT SHE DID NOT LET ME CUDDLE . SHE DID NOT MOVE OR ANYTHING , I WAS NOT ABLE TO CUDDLE WITH BECAUSE SHE JUST LAID THERE , NOT SHOWING ANY INTEREST IN ME ; SO I SLEPT AT THE OTHER END OF THE COUCH . I SLEPT UNTIL THE GIRL WHOSE HOUSE WE WERE STAYING AT MOM WAS BRINGING EVERYONE HOME . I WOKE UP AND THE FIRST THING SHE ASKED ME WAS, W HY DID YOU NOT CUDDLE WITH ME LAST NIGHT ? I WAS INSTANTLY MAD HEARING THIS , I JUST WANTED TO SCOLD HER FOR THE WAY SHE TREATED ME COMPARED TO HOW I TREATED HER . I DID NOT THOUGH , I JUST SAID I WAS TIRED AND WANTED TO SLEEP WITHOUT HER BOTHERING HER . I DID NOT SAY ANYTHING IN THE CAR RIDE HOME , I WAS TOO UPSET FOR WORDS. THERE WAS ANOTHER INSTANCE AFTER PROM . I IGNORED HER AT THE NATIONAL HONOR SOCIETY INDUCTION CEREMONY . I WAS TEXTING HER , AND SHE STOPPED TEXTING ME BACK FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES . AT THAT POINT I DID NOT CARE THAT MUCH BECAUSE I THOUGHT SHE WAS DRIVING DOWN , AND COULD NOT TEXT ME BACK. I GET THERE AND WHAT DO I SEE ? I SEE HER TALKING TO A GUY SHE WAS TALKING TO MORE AND MORE , HE WAS A SENIOR . S HE STOPPED TEXTING ME BACK TO TALK TO HIM AND THE OTHER GUYS . SO I IGNORED HER FOR THE REST OF THE CEREMONY , AND SHE BECAME UPSET . I DID TALK TO HER AFTER, BUT IT DID NOT MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE . I COULD TELL SHE WAS BECOMING DISTANT WITH ME AGAIN THE THREE DAYS THAT FOLLOWED THE INCIDENT . O NE DAY SHE TEXTED ME IN THE MORNING SAYING THAT SHE DID NOT KNOW WHAT SHE WANTED TO DO , BUT SHE ENDED THE TEXT WITH SAYING THINGS ARE GOING TO BE ALRIGHT . I DID NOT

BOTHER HER ALL THAT DAY . I WANTED TO GIVE HER SPACE SO SHE CAN THINK AND GATHER HER THOUGHTS . AT THE END OF THE DAY , SHE CALLED ME OVER TO TALK. SHE WAS GOING TO BREAK UP WITH ME , I SAW IT COMING BY THE WAY HER VOICE SOUNDED AND THE PEAK OF SADNESS I COULD SEE IN HER DULL, BLUE EYES. AT FIRST I LITERALLY SAID , I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT . THEN IT TOOK ME A MINUTE TO REALIZE WHAT WAS HAPPENING , AND I PULLED HER ASIDE TO TALK. I STARTED TO CRY , I WAS LOSING HER AGAIN . I HAVE BEEN LOSING HER FOR THOSE THREE MONTHS . SHE DID NOT BREAK UP WITH ME THOUGH THAT DAY . SHE DID WHAT I DID BACK IN SOPHOMORE YEAR . SHE SAW THAT I CARED AND DECIDED NOT TO BREAK UP WITH ME . WHAT WAS DIFFERENT FROM THE DAY THAT I BROKE UP WITH HER THOUGH, IS THAT I STILL LOVED HER MORE AND HER LOVE FOR ME DID NOT GROW ANYMORE .

I MANAGED TO GET TO SUMMER WITH HER BY MY SIDE. I HAD A RIPPLE WITH ONE FRIEND , BUT THAT WAS THE ONLY DAMAGE I TOOK. I THOUGHT AT THIS POINT , EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO DO A ONE - EIGHTY FOR ME , AND MY LUCK WAS GOING TO TURN AROUND . WHY WOULD IT NOT WHEN MY MOOD SWINGS WERE LETTING UP DRAMATICALLY , AND THE LOVE OF MY LIFE WAS SEEING HOW MUCH I CARED FOR HER .

CHAPTER FIVE: MISPERCEPTION,


ROSES ARE RED ,
VIOLETS ARE BLUE , BUT NEITHER ONE OF THEM ARE AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU .

DARLING, YOUR EYES HOLD THE STARS


AND I LOSE TRACK OF TIME .

YOU TRULY ARE ONE OF A KIND -DARLING

ITS FUNNY HOW WE GO THROUGH LIFE SEEING ONLY A GLIMPSE OF THE WHOLE SPECTRUM. WE LONG TO SEE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SIGHTS EARTH HAS TO OFFER , BUT WE ONLY SEE GLIMPSES OF THEM . I HAVE SEEN PICTURES OF THE HIDDEN GEMS OF NATURE ; WATERFALLS , RAINFORESTS , MOUNTAINS PLACES LIKE NO OTHER. SOME OF THEM ARE TUCKED AWAY BY THICK FORESTS , OR OTHERS HIDDEN UNDER BLANKETS OF SNOW , BUT THOSE LAYERS ADD TO THE PURE SPLENDOR OF THEIR VISUAL APPEAL . YES ALL OF THOSE PICTURES ARE GORGEOUS AND SPECTACULAR , BUT THEY ARE NOT BREATHTAKING ; THEY ARE NOTHING LIKE THE SIGHT ITSELF . THE PICTURES HOLD NO EMOTIONAL VALUE BECAUSE THERE IS NO DIRECT CONNECTION BETWEEN YOU AND WHATEVER IS IN THE PICTURE . HAD YOU BEEN THERE FIRST HAND , THEN THERE IS THE CONNECTION . THERE IS THIS UNSEEN CHANNEL OF BONDAGE . THAT PICTURE CAPTURES A MOMENT , BUT IT HOLDS THE ENTIRE MEMORY . THAT CREATES AN ATMOSPHERE LIKE NO OTHER INSIDE US . FOR A MINUTE OR EVEN A SECOND , WE TRAVEL IN TIME . N OT PHYSICALLY BUT EMOTIONALLY , AND WE TAKE IN WHAT WE THOUGHT WAS JUST IN THE PAST . WE COMPOSE THE PAST INSIDE US, WHY ? BECAUSE WE ARE ALWAYS WANTING A TIME IN OUR LIFE WHERE WE AT PEACE . SO WE NEVER LET GO OF THE MOMENTS THAT MAKE US HAPPY , THAT MAKE US GLAD TO BE ALIVE . THIS SUMMER BEFORE MY SENIOR YEAR WAS ONE THAT I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO COME OUT OF WHILE ON TOP OF THE WORLD . I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO SPENDING A LOT QUALITY TIME WITH MY GIRLFRIEND , AND HANGING OUT WITH MY FRIENDS . SCHOOL BROUGHT ME A LOT OF DRAMA , BUT I WAS LOOKING TO GET PAST ALL OF IT . ABOUT A MONTH INTO SUMMER, I WAS NOWHERE NEAR MY EXPECTATIONS. I LOST ANOTHER FRIEND . HE WAS A FRIEND OF MINE SINCE EARLY HIGH SCHOOL, AND HE WAS ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE WHO COULD MAKE ME LAUGH . OVER THE COURSE OF A MONTH THOUGH OUT OF SCHOOL, HE DECIDED NOT TO BE MY FRIEND . D O I BLAME HIM ? N O, IT IS HIS DECISION TO MAKE BUT DO I MISS HIM ? YES I DO. SHE ALSO BROKE UP WITH ME AGAIN . I STILL REMEMBER SOME OF THE WORDS FROM HER TEXT , HOW SHE SAID SHE DID NOT WANT TO SEND IT BUT SHE WAS GOING TO SEND IT ANYWAY . PART OF ME SHATTERED AFTER READING HER WORDS . THIS IS NOT WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN , I WAS NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG. I COULD NOT FATHOM

HER LOGIC FOR BREAKING UP WITH ME . N ONE OF IT MADE SENSE , SHE ALWAYS TOLD ME SURE WAS UNSURE IF SHE WANTED A RELATIONSHIP OR IF SHE WANTED TO BE WITH ME . I WAS HEARTBROKEN .

THIS IS WHEN I BEGAN WRITING POETRY . I HAD NO OTHER OUTLET . THE FIRST TIME I WROTE, I FELT FROZEN. M Y MIND STOPPED THINKING ABOUT ALL MY PROBLEMS, AND ONLY CONCENTRATED ON THE BIG ONE , THE BREAK UP . I STUCK WITH WRITING THROUGH THE WHOLE SUMMER. I ONLY WROTE POETRY THOUGH. M Y KNOWLEDGE OF POETRY WAS VERY POOR SO WHAT I WAS WRITING WAS PURE EMOTION . THAT DID NOT MATTER TO ME AT THE TIME BECAUSE IT WAS HELPING, BUT I KEPT TRYING TO TALK TO HER . I WAS TRYING TO REBUILD WITH HER AGAIN. I HAD TO STOP THOUGH FOR ABOUT TWO WEEKS BECAUSE SHE WANTED TIME TO THINK, AND SHE WAS GOING ON VACATION . SO I STOPPED TEXTING HER . THE FIRST WEEK WAS TERRIBLE FOR ME . I WAS LUCKY I HAD FRIENDS TO HANG OUT WITH TO GET MY MIND OFF HER AND WHAT WAS IS NOT ANYMORE . THE SECOND WEEK WAS EASY BECAUSE I STARTED PLAYING SOCCER AGAIN . I WAS AROUND PEOPLE WHO WERE FUN TO TALK TO, AND I WAS PLAYING THE SPORT I LOVED AGAIN . ONE DAY, I GAVE IN. SHE WAS BACK FOR A FEW DAYS AND I TEXTED HER. WE MET UP AT THE PARK BY MY HOUSE AGAIN . THIS WAS OUR PLACE TO TALK. T HE PARK WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR HOUSES , AND IT WAS NOT BIAS TOWARDS HER OR I. SHE TOLD ME THAT , SHE TOLD ME HOW HER HOUSE FAVORED HER EMOTIONS AND HOW MY HOUSE FAVORED MY OWN . SHE IS SMART AND PRETTY , THAT WAS SOMETHING I LOVED ABOUT HER. AT THIS POINT , I WROTE A FEW POEMS IN A LITTLE NOTEBOOK . I ONLY MANAGED TO WRITE FIFTEEN OR SO POEMS IN IT BEFORE I SHOWED IT TO HER . M OST OF THE POEMS WERE QUICK SCRIBBLES REALLY SOME OF THEM WERE PURE ANGER . I NEVER REALLY WRITE ANGRY POEMS , ACTUALLY OF THE POEMS I WROTE OUT OF ANGER ALL OF THEM ARE IN THAT NOTEBOOK . THERE WAS ONE POEM THOUGH . THE FIRST ONE I WROTE ABOUT HER THAT IS TO THIS DAY THE BEST POEM I HAVE EVER WRITTEN . REGRETTABLY , I GAVE HER THE NOTEBOOK TO KEEP . I WANTED HER TO READ THEM ALL, TO LET HER SEE MY EMOTION. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT SHE DID WITH THE NOTEBOOK . M Y HEART HOPED SHE KEPT IT FOR AT LEAST SOME TIME , I DOUBT SHE HAS IT NOW . I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED IF SHE THREW IT AWAY , AFTER ALL IT WAS SOMETHING OF MINE . I DO WANT IT BACK BECAUSE IT WAS MY EARLIEST WORK , AND THERE WAS THAT ONE POEM ABOUT HER THAT I LOVE , BUT I WILL NEVER GET IT BACK . SHE WAS MY SUMMER LOVE , SHE WAS MY LOVE . TOWARDS THE END OF AUGUST WE GOT CLOSER . I HELPED HER BABYSIT THESE TWO KIDS. SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS GOING TO GIVE ME SOME MONEY SHE WAS RECEIVING FOR HELPING HER OUT , SHE NEVER DID THOUGH. S HE ALSO BEGAN TALKING TO ANOTHER GUY IN EARLY AUGUST . I DID NOT KNOW AT THE TIME , BUT SHE WENT ON A DATE WITH HIM . I DID NOT FIND THAT OUT UNTIL A LITTLE BEFORE THE MIDDLE OF THE SCHOOL YEAR. SHE TOLD ME ABOUT HIM , AND HOW THEY WERE NOT REALLY ANYTHING , BUT PART OF ME COULD NOT BELIEVE IT . UNTIL ONE DAY WHILE WE WERE BABYSITTING , SHE KISSED ME ON THE CHEEK. T HAT EASED MY DOUBTS AND I BEGAN TO BE MORE POSITIVE ABOUT US . T HAT ONE KISS WAS WHAT ERASED ALL THE BAD SHE DID TO ME OVER THE LAST TWO MONTHS . IN AN INSTANCE , I WAS A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD BOY HEAD OVER HEELS FOR THIS LITTLE BLONDE GIRL . SHE EVEN WENT TO A SCRIMMAGE OF MINE FOR SOCCER . SHE MADE IT LATE THOUGH BECAUSE SHE HAD FIELD HOCKEY PRACTICE , AND SHE ONLY CAUGHT THE LAST TEN MINUTES OR SO OF

THE GAME . I GOT SUBBED OUT , AND SHE WAS NOT ABLE TO SEE ME PLAY . SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS UPSET . I WAS HAPPY HEARING THOSE WORDS. SHE WAS SAD FOR NOT SEEING ME PLAY .

THE TEAM WENT OUT TO THE CHINESE BUFFET BEFORE SCHOOL YEAR STARTED . THAT WAS THE NIGHT THAT SHE TOLD ME SHE WANTED TO BE A COUPLE AGAIN . I COULD NOT HAVE BEEN HAPPIER . SHE WAS FINALLY ABLE TO HAVE THE CONFIDENCE IN ME TO GIVE US ANOTHER GO . M Y SUMMER WAS ENDING WITH THE BEST NEWS I COULD HAVE HOPED FOR . HEADING INTO THE SCHOOL YEAR, I WAS AT EASE WITH MY SITUATION. I GOT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE
BACK, AND OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS LOOKING GREAT BECAUSE SHE WAS TELLING ME HOW SHE WAS NOT GOING TO LEAVE ME AGAIN AND HOW SHE WAS NOT GOING TO HURT ME AGAIN. I LOST TWO FRIENDS , BUT I STILL HAD THE MAJORITY OF THE GROUP TO TALK TO SO I WAS NOT TOO BOTHERED BY THE LOSS OF THEM . SOCCER WAS GOING TO BE FUN WITH THE TEAM I HAD , AND THE CONFIDENCE I HAD IN MYSELF . M Y SENIOR YEAR WAS LOOKING TO BE A FUN ONE , A YEAR THAT I WOULD LOOK BACK ON AND SAY , THAT WAS THE YEAR I HAD THE MOST FUN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CAREER.

CHAPTER SIX: BREAKING POINT,


HERE I SIT ON THE EDGE ,
WONDERING IF THE FALL HURTS .

WOULD MY BODY LEAVE A MARK ON THE GROUND ,


OR WILL IT JUST BURST INTO DUST?

SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE PASSED ME BY ,


AND SO MANY HAVE NOT EVEN NOTICED MY PRESENCE .

LUCKY FOR ME IT IS RAINING


BECAUSE IF I SLIP THEN MY DEATH WAS AN ACCIDENT .

THE E DGE

WE ALL HAVE THOUGHT OF OUR IDEAL PLACE , OUR PARADISE. A PLACE WHERE PAIN DOES NOT EXIST AND ANYTHING OUR MIND CAN CONJURE UP IS OURS . PARADISE DOES EXIST , EXCEPT IT WILL NEVER BE A FULL PHYSICAL SETTING . PARADISE IS MORE SPIRITUAL AND TIMELY . JUST LIKE THE EARTH, PARADISE IS ALWAYS CHANGING INSIDE US BECAUSE WE ARE NEVER QUITE SURE WHAT WE WANT OUT OF LIFE . WE GO THROUGH EACH DAY YEARNING FOR SOME PERSON OR SOME GIFT TO TAKE US AWAY OR BRIGHTEN OUR DAY , BUT PERHAPS BY THE NEXT DAY THAT LONGING DISSIPATES . F OR SOME REASON , WE NO LONGER HUNGER FOR A PREVIOUS DESIRE , AND WE MOVE ON TO OUR NEXT INQUISITION. T HAT DESIRE NEVER GOES AWAY THOUGH , IT SITS ON ITS PORCH SIPPING CRISP LEMONADE LETTING THE BREEZE SWEEP ACROSS ITS SOFT FACE , WAITING FOR IT TO BE CALLED UP AGAIN TO OFFER SOME SORT OF HOPE . I WAS CAUGHT UP IN WHAT I THOUGHT WAS A BLISS LIFE. SOCCER SEASON STARTED AND I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO MAKE A NAME FOR MYSELF IN THE LEAGUE . I CAME UP SHORT , I DID NOT HAVE THE SEASON I PLANNED MYSELF HAVING. ALTHOUGH I HAD THE BEST STATISTICAL SEASON OF MY CAREER, I WAS ONLY ABLE TO MAKE HONORABLE MENTION IN THE ALL- STAR VOTING . THIS WAS JUST A FINGERPRINT OF MY WOES EARLY ON IN THE YEAR THOUGH . IN LATE SEPTEMBER, I HAD THIS THREE DAY PERIOD WHERE I WAS ANGRY AT HER . THE EXACT REASON HAS ESCAPED MY MIND , BUT I STILL REMEMBER DISTANCING MYSELF FROM HER . PARADOXICALLY , SHE WAS DISTANCING HERSELF FROM ME AS WELL . THIS TIME AROUND SHE WAS ALREADY ATTACHED TO ANOTHER MALE . AGAIN I HAVE BEEN LEFT FOR ANOTHER GUY , BUT THIS TIME I COULD NOT COPE WITH THE PAIN. I CRASHED LIKE A BABY BIRD NOT READY TO FLY OUT OF ITS NEST JUST YET . I COULD NEVER WRAP MY MIND AROUND HER LIKING WHO SHE DID AT THIS POINT . I STILL TO THIS DAY BELIEVE SHE ONLY LIKED HIM ON A PHYSICAL MATTER. HE WAS

A FRESHMAN IN COLLEGE , AND HAD PLENTY OF OPPORTUNITIES TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH OTHER GUYS. HE DID NOT HAVE A CONCRETE REASON FOR LIKING HER.

TWO MONTHS OF MISERY WENT BY FOR ME ; IT WAS EASY BECAUSE I HAD SOCCER THAT ALWAYS GOT MY MIND OFF HER AND I HAD A FRIEND WHO WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR ME . HIS NAME IS KYLE TOO . W HAT ALWAYS STRIKES ME WHEN IT COMES TO HIM IS HOW WE NEVER TALKED BEFORE THIS YEAR . IF YOU ASKED ME THE SCHOOL YEAR BEFORE IF THIS KID WOULD HAVE ANY IMPACT ON MY LIFE . I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU NO, I WOULD HAVE SAID NO AND GONE ON TO SAY I DID NOT LIKE HIM EITHER. TURNS OUT , I WAS DEAD WRONG . HE WAS THERE FOR ME EVERY DAY . HE WAS THERE FOR ME IN THE HALLWAY WHEN I JUST WANTED TO BREAK DOWN, AND HE WAS THERE FOR ME WHEN I WAS DEPRESSED AT HOME . I STILL REMEMBER THE DAY WHERE I JUST FELT LIKE NOTHING AT HOME , AND HE DROVE AT TO MY HOUSE AT EIGHT O CLOCK TO TALK ON A SCHOOL NIGHT . THAT IS THE MEANING OF FRIENDSHIP . T HAT IS THE MEANING OF A BROTHER . E VERY SINGLE DAY FOR MONTHS ON END HE DEALT WITH MY COMPLAINING, MY SADNESS , MY DEPRESSION . WHAT MADE IT EVEN SWEETER AS I LOOK BACK ON IT , HE WAS GOING THROUGH DIFFICULTIES OF HIS OWN . H E WAS IN THE SAME BOAT AS ME BECAUSE HE WAS IN LOVE WITH HIS EX - GIRLFRIEND TOO , BUT HE PUSHED ALL OF THEIR PROBLEMS ASIDE FOR MINE . C OULD YOU IMAGINE A PERSON YOU HAVE KNOWN ONLY FOR A FEW MONTHS DOING ALL THIS FOR YOU ? KYLE IS ALWAYS GOING TO BE MY BROTHER . H E IS ALWAYS GOING HAVE A SPACE IN MY HEART , AND WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY IS THAT I AM NEVER GOING TO FIND ANOTHER PERSON LIKE HIM . N OBODY IS GOING TO BE AS INSTRUMENTAL TO ME AS HIM , AND NOBODY IS EVER GOING TO BE AS CLOSE TO ME AS HIM AS A FRIEND . HE PROBABLY DOES NOT KNOW HOW MUCH HE MEANS TO ME , BUT HE MEANS A LOT . WHAT HE DID FOR ME , IS SOMETHING I WILL NEVER FORGET OR BE ABLE TO PAY HIM BACK FOR . THERE WAS ALSO ANOTHER TIME AT A PASTA DINNER WHERE A FRIEND OF MINE MENTIONED HER, AND I JUST BROKE DOWN . I HAD TO GO OUTSIDE TO JUST CRY . HE DID NOT SAY ANYTHING BAD , HE TOLD ME HOW I AM GOING OFF TO COLLEGE AND I CAN FIND SOMEONE BETTER OR JUST GET WITH GIRLS . I DID NOT WANT THAT , I DO NOT WANT ANY OF THAT EVER . I JUST WANTED HER . KYLE AND MY OTHER FRIEND ALEX CAME OUT LOOKING FOR ME . THEY BOTH WATCHED AS I JUST STOOD THERE CRYING , BUT THEY EACH PUT AN ARM AROUND ME AND PATTED ME ON THE BACK . I COULD NOT GO BACK INSIDE , I JUST WENT HOME . KYLE AND ALEX WALKED ME HOME . THESE TWO WERE SOME OF THE BEST PEOPLE TO ME WHEN I WAS DEPRESSED , AND TO THIS DAY STILL ARE . ALEX PROBABLY SAW ME AT MY WORST IN PERSON. ONE DAY IN THE EARLY WINTER , AS I WAS GOING TO TRACK I JUST COLLAPSED ON THE LOCKER ROOM FLOOR. HE WAS WITH ME WHEN IT HAPPENED , AND HE STAYED WITH ME . HE WATCHED ME CRY FOR ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES AND HE KEPT TELLING ME TO LOOK AT THE POSITIVE . THERE WAS NOT MUCH POSITIVE , BUT FOR HIM TO JUST STAY THERE WAS ENOUGH. HE AND KYLE FROM THE START OF MY DOWNWARD DEPRESSION WERE THERE FOR ME . EACH DAY AT SOCCER AS I BROUGHT HER UP , THEY WOULD ALWAYS BEAT IT INTO MY HEAD THAT THINGS ARE GOING TO TURN AROUND . EVEN AFTER THE SEASON AND AS THEY WENT ON TO BASKETBALL AND I WENT ON TO TRACK , THEY WERE STILL TELLING ME MY LUCK WAS GOING TO CHANGE . THESE TWO WERE THE BEST PEOPLE WHO I BARELY EVER TALKED TO, AND THEY IMPACTED MY LIFE IN WAYS THAT THE MOON HAS ON THE OCEAN.

EVEN THOUGH KYLE AND ALEX WERE TELLING ME I WAS GOING TO HAVE A BETTER SENIOR YEAR , IT NEVER SEEMED LIKE IT . BY EARLY NOVEMBER, I WAS LOSING MY FRIENDSHIP WITH THE GROUP . SHE TOLD ME THAT SOME OF THEM WERE SAYING I WAS FAKING MY DEPRESSION FOR ATTENTION . INSTEAD OF CONFRONTING THEM , I JUST LET THEM SLID AWAY . I DID NOTHING TO STOP THEM FROM THINKING THAT WRONG ASSUMPTION AND IT SNOWBALLED INTO THEM DISLIKING ME AND ME DISLIKING THEM . ALL THIS REALLY DID WAS IT MADE ME A LONER . N OT IN SCHOOL , I WAS GOOD ENOUGH FRIENDS WITH A LOT OF KIDS SO I ALWAYS HAD SOMEONE TO TALK TO. I ALSO STAYED FRIEND WITH A FEW KIDS WHO ASSOCIATED THEMSELVES WITH THE GROUP . TWO OF THEM ARE NAMED TIM AND CLIFF . THESE TWO HELPED ME IMMENSELY . I NEVER SAW THAT , BUT NOW I DO . I HAD EVERY CLASS , EXCEPT FOR ONE , WITH EITHER BOTH OF THEM OR AT LEAST ONE OF THEM . TIM HAS BEEN A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE SINCE LATE FRESHMAN YEAR, AND HE WAS ALWAYS ABLE TO LIGHTEN MY SPIRITS . HIS HUMOR AND HIS JOKES MADE MY DAYS A LITTLE BRIGHTER . HE WAS ALSO VERY HONEST WITH ME WHEN IT CAME TO WHAT WAS HAPPENING WITH THE GROUP , AND I APPRECIATED THAT HE DRIFTED AWAY FROM THE NEGATIVITY THAT WAS GROWING WITH THEM . CLIFF HAS BEEN A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE SINCE SOPHOMORE YEAR . I STILL REMEMBER THE FACT HE WAS THE ONLY ONE EVER TO ASK IF I WAS OKAY . ONE DAY AT LUNCH WHEN EVERYBODY STOOD UP OUTSIDE TO WAIT FOR THE BELL, AND I SAT WITH MY HEAD DOWN HE CAME OVER AND ASKED IF I WAS ALRIGHT . I TOLD HIM I WAS, BUT THE SECOND HE WALKED AWAY AFTER SAYING OKAY , I SMILED A BIT BECAUSE HE WAS THE ONLY ONE SHOWING HE CARED OUT OF THE KIDS WHO I HAVE BEEN FRIENDS WITH SINCE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL . C LIFF WAS ALSO HONEST TOO. HE WAS ALWAYS TELLING ME HOW STUPID EVERYTHING WAS WITH WHAT WAS HAPPENING . HE WILL ALWAYS BE AN IMPORTANT FRIEND OF MINE , HE WILL ALWAYS BE A BROTHER IN MY HEART . HE PUT UP WITH MY HOSTILITY AND MY MELANCHOLY ALMOST EVERY PERIOD OF THE DAY . THAT IS RESPECTABLE , TO BOTH TIM AND CLIFF. THAT IS WHY I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR THEM . BECAUSE MY PAIN WILL OUTWEIGH ANYTHING THEY WILL GO THROUGH, AND I WILL HELP THEM WHENEVER THEY NEED IT . THAT IS WHY BOTH OF THEM ARE MY BEST FRIENDS. THERE WAS THIS DAY , IT WAS A FRIDAY IN LATE NOVEMBER. I WAS TEXTING KYLE AND I WAS ABOUT TO GO TO BED , AND THEN SHE TEXTED ME IT WAS ALMOST MIDNIGHT . I DID NOT RESPOND AT FIRST , I WAS IN SHOCK. I TEXTED KYLE AND ASKED HIM WHAT TO DO, HE TOLD ME TO DO WHATEVER I FELT WAS RIGHT . IT S FUNNY THOUGH BECAUSE I STILL BELIEVE I WAS A NIGHT S SLEEP AWAY FROM BEING OVER HER . AS LUDICROUS AS THAT SOUNDS , I BELIEVE IF I WENT TO BED AND NOT ANSWERED HER TEXT THEN THAT WOULD BE IT , BUT I DID RESPOND . SHE SAID SHE WAS PROBABLY THE LAST PERSON I WOULD EVER WANT TO TALK TO, BUT THAT WAS NOT TRUE AT ALL . SHE WAS THE FIRST PERSON I WANTED TO TALK TO . WE TALKED OR A BIT , BUT SHE HAD TO GO TO SLEEP ; SHE HAD SAT S IN THE MORNING IT WAS 1:30 A.M. WHEN SHE DID . FROM THAT NIGHT I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO GET BACK TOGETHER, THAT IT WAS DESTINY FOR US TO BE TOGETHER. THERE WAS NO DESTINY . F OR THE NEXT MONTH AND A HALF IT WAS ME FIGHTING WHAT SEEMED LIKE AN ENDLESS BATTLE . SHE ENDED ALL TIES WITH THE GUY SHE WAS TALKING TO, BUT WAS NOT READY TO GET

BACK WITH ME . EVEN THOUGH WE WERE HANGING OUT AND WE STILL HAD THE CHEMISTRY WE HAD WHEN WE WERE FIRST GOING OUT . ABOUT THE MIDDLE OF D ECEMBERS SHE STARTED TALKING TO ANOTHER GUY , WHILE SHE KEPT TALKING TO ME . I GOT SO FED UP WITH HER DOING THIS TO ME , I STOPPED TALKING TO HER. I SAW AS HE TEXTED HER EVERY DAY AT TRACK . I WAS SO LIVID , I COULD NOT STAND THAT . ONE BECAUSE OF HOW HE WAS TEXTING DURING A PRACTICE , AND TWO BECAUSE OF SHE WAS CONTINUOUSLY PLAYING MY EMOTIONS . I WATCHED THEM TALK AND I WATCHED THEM MEET AT HER LOCKER EVERY DAY AFTER SCHOOL . HER LOCKER WAS RIGHT NEXT TO MINE , BUT THEY WAITED FOR ME TO LEAVE AND IF I WAS THERE HE WOULD WALK HER TO HER CAR . THIS CONTINUED FOR A MONTH.

DURING THIS TIME , I TRIED TO OCCUPY MY TIME WITH WHATEVER I COULD. NONE OF IT WORKED , AT THE END OF THE DAY IT WAS ALWAYS HER AND HOW MUCH SHE MEANT TO ME . IT DROVE ME INSANE , LITERALLY INSANE . I GOT TO A POINT IN MY LIFE THAT I NEVER WANT TO VISIT AGAIN. THAT PLACE IS KNOWN TO MANY AS ROCK BOTTOM . I STILL REMEMBER THE NIGHT . UP AT 3 A.M. WITH THE BOTTLE OF PILLS, SITTING ALONE IN MY ROOM WITH NO LIGHTS ON. I COULD NOT SEE HOW MANY PILLS WERE IN THE BOTTLE , BUT I KNEW THERE WERE ENOUGH. I KNEW THAT IF I TOOK A LOT OF THEM I WOULD BE FREE . M Y SOUL COULD LEAVE MY BODY , AND I COULD GO WHEREVER I WANTED TO . I TOOK TWO HANDFULS OF PILLS , AND WENT TO SLEEP . I FELL ASLEEP QUICKLY BECAUSE I HAD THIS SENSE OF HARMONY WITH MY MIND . I DID NOT THINK I WAS GOING TO AWAKEN , BUT I DID . I SLEPT FOR TWENTY HOURS, AND AWOKE WITH A BAD STOMACH ACHE AND A HORRIBLE MIGRAINE . IT WAS NOT MY TIME , I WAS TOO SCARED TO EVER TRY THAT AGAIN . SO I CONTINUED LIVING FOR MYSELF. ABOUT A MONTH AFTER WATCHING THAT , SHE GAVE IN TO ME . WE WERE A COUPLE AGAIN. I THOUGHT FINALLY , AND THINGS WERE GREAT . WE BEGAN TALKING ABOUT HOW WE MEAN TO EACH OTHER . I STILL REMEMBER OUR CONVERSATIONS ABOUT HAVING A FAMILY ; HOW MANY KIDS WE WANTED, WE WOULD NOT START UNTIL AFTER COLLEGE , AND WHERE WE WOULD WANT TO LIVE . THESE CONVERSATIONS WERE NEVER REALLY SPECIFIC , BUT THEY MEANT A LOT TO ME . SHE WAS THE ONE IN MY MIND , IT WAS SET IN STONE . THE CONVERSATIONS ABOUT COLLEGE CAME UP OFTEN, AND SHE WAS ALWAYS THE NERVOUS ONE BUT I REASSURED HER THAT WE WERE GOING TO BE FINE . COLLEGE SHOULD ONLY BOTHER A COUPLE WHO DOES NOT HAVE A SOLID FOUNDATION OF TRUST AND LOVE . IF THOSE TWO KEY ELEMENTS ARE THERE THEN THERE IS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT BECAUSE WHY RUIN SOMETHING SO MEANINGFUL ? MY BIRTHDAY CAME ALONG IN MARCH. I GOT HER BIRTHDAY PRESENT TO HER LATE , BUT I GOT HER A TH NICE NECKLACE WITH A HEART AS THE CHARM . HER BIRTHDAY WAS IN FEBRUARY (IT WAS THE 26 , ALSO OUR ANNIVERSARY ), BUT I GOT IT TO HER THE FIRST WEEK IN MARCH . SHE TALKED ABOUT GETTING ME A PRESENT A FEW TIMES . I WAS EXPECTING TO GET MINE LATE , AND I WAS HOPING SHE WAS GOING TO GET ME ONE SINCE SHE DID NOT LAST YEAR. SHE NEVER GOT ME A PRESENT , OR AT LEAST GAVE ME A PRESENT . I NEVER MADE A SCENE OF IT , I WAS USE TO HER DISAPPOINTS BY THAT POINT AND I JUST CARED ABOUT HER . WE DECIDED TO GO TO PROM TOGETHER BY THE END OF M ARCH. IN THE MIDDLE OF APRIL, I WAS SET TO GO TO THE UNITED KINGDOM FOR A SCHOOL FIELD TRIP. RIGHT BEFORE I LEFT, I TOLD HER I DID NOT KNOW IF I WANTED TO BE WITH HER. I NEVER SAID THAT WE WERE

BROKEN UP . I NEVER SAID IT WAS OVER BETWEEN US . ALL I SAID WAS THAT I WAS UNSURE , AND THAT I WAS GOING TO USE THIS WEEK AWAY AS A GETAWAY TO SEE WHERE I STAND WITH HER . S HE TOOK IT AS A BREAK UP .

SHE THOUGHT I ENDED IT . HER MIND CREATED THIS IDEA THAT I BROKE UP WITH HER . I DID NOT. I KNEW I WAS GOING TO COME BACK AND TELL HER I WANTED TO BE WITH HER. I JUST WANTED TO BE HONEST WITH HER BECAUSE IT WAS BUGGING ME THAT I WAS NOT TELLING HER EVERYTHING . I LOVED HER AND DID NOT WANT TO DO ANYTHING TO HARM HER, SO I JUST SAID WHAT I FELT . I EVEN TEXTED HER BEFORE I LEFT AND SAID HOW I WILL BE THINKING OF HER AND THAT I LOVE HER . SHE WAS HAPPY ABOUT THAT . M Y FRIENDS TOLD ME SHE WAS CHEERY ABOUT ME SAYING THAT . WHEN IT WAS THE FOURTH DAY OF THE TRIP , ONE OF THE GIRLS ON THE BUS TOLD ME SHE SENT ME A MESSAGE ON FACEBOOK. I HAD NO WAY OF VIEWING THE MESSAGE BECAUSE I DID NOT BRING ANY FORM OF TECHNOLOGY WITH ME . THREE DAYS LATER I WAS HOME AND I LOOKED AT THE MESSAGE . SHE WROTE ABOUT HOW SHE MISSED ME , HOW MUCH SHE HOPES THAT I WILL COME BACK AND WANT TO BE WITH HER , AND HOW SHE HAS BEEN THINKING A LOT ABOUT ME . I COULD NOT HAVE SEEN ANYTHING BETTER BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE WITH HER. I DID NOT TALK TO OR GO AFTER ANY GIRLS ON THE TRIP BECAUSE I WAS TOO CONCERNED ABOUT HER . I WAS HAPPY TO TEXT HER AND SAY I WANTED TO BE WITH HER. I TEXTED HER, I WAS SO HAPPY TO TELL HER THE GOOD NEWS . SHE DID NOT WANT TO TALK TO ME . I COULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT I WAS READING . THREE DAYS AGO SHE SENT ME A MESSAGE ABOUT WANTING TO BE WITH ME , AND HOW MUCH SHE MISSED ME . N OW SHE DOES NOT WANT TO TALK TO ME , I WAS NOT TOO UPSET BECAUSE I WAS THINKING SHE WAS JUST MAD AND IN A FEW DAYS SHE WOULD START TALKING TO ME AGAIN. SHE NEVER TALKED TO BE ON HER OWN . I FOUND OUT FROM KYLE WHO FOUND OUT FROM ANOTHER GIRL THAT SHE WAS TALKING TO ANOTHER GUY AGAIN . THAT IS THREE BREAK UPS FOR THREE DIFFERENT GUYS , AND ONE GET BACK TOGETHER PUT ON HOLD FOR ANOTHER GUY . THIS GIRL WHO I WAS IN LOVE WITH , LEFT ME AGAIN FOR ANOTHER GUY . THIS TIME IT ONLY TOOK THREE DAYS FOR HER TO GET OVER ME , AND IN ABOUT TWO WEEKS THEY MADE THINGS OFFICIAL AS A COUPLE . I COULD NEVER HAVE FELT LIKE A WORTHLESS AS A PERSON AFTER THIS INCIDENT . I WAS BEING TOLD ALL THIS SWEET AND NICE WORDS OF AFFECTION, BUT THEY MEANT NOTHING. I WAS NEVER HER BABY , I WAS NEVER HER LOVE , AND I WAS NOTHING TO HER . I WAS REPLACEABLE . I THOUGHT OF MYSELF AS AN INSIGNIFICANT HUMAN BEING . IF I WAS WORTH ALL THE LIES AND DECEPTION THEN I WAS NEVER GOING TO BE SOMETHING SPECIAL TO SOMEONE IF I COULD JUST BE USED AND THROWN AWAY CONTINUOUSLY . I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO PROM. I WAS STILL GOING TO GO AS A COUPLE WITH HER, BUT I WAS NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING WITH HER . S HE HAD BETTER PLANS THOUGH, SHE DECIDED TO JUST TAKE MY NAME OFF THE LIST WITHOUT ASKING ME . I WAS AGAIN HURT BY THIS BECAUSE SHE DID NOT HAVE THE DECENCY TO ASK ME IF I EVEN WANTED TO STILL GO. SHE COULD HAVE CROSSED HER NAME OUT AND PUT IT AT THE BOTTOM , BUT SHE CROSSED OUT MINE . I WONDER IF SHE FELT ANY PAIN DOING THAT , OR IF IT CAME NATURALLY TO HER . I ENDED UP NOT GOING TO PROM . I ASKED TWO OF MY FRIENDS AND BOTH OF THEIR

PARENTS SAID NO TO GOING WITH A GUY . I SAT HOME AND PLAYED XBOX INSTEAD , WHILE EVERYONE WAS HAVING A FUN TIME .

I GRADUATED. I WAS ON CLOUD NINE THAT NIGHT . I WAS NEVER GOING TO SEE ANY OF THESE PEOPLE AGAIN, I ONLY HAVE TO SEE THE ONES I WANT TO SEE . M OST OF ALL , I AM NEVER GOING TO HAVE TO SEE HER , BUT HER MARK HAS BEEN LEFT ON MY NAKED SOUL.

CHAPTER SEVEN: HER (PART II),


THERE WILL BE NO TOMORROW FOR US,
ALL WE WILL HAVE LEFT ARE THESE YESTERDAYS .

AS YOU LOOK BACK ON THEM ALL, I WILL ALWAYS BE THINKING ABOUT THAT ONE TOMORROW ,
AND I WILL CLOSE MY EYES HOPING

I WILL AWAKE WITH NO MORE SORROWS . -TOMORROW

THERE IS ALWAYS GOING TO BE THAT ONE PERSON WHO CHANGES OUR LIFE COMPLETELY . WHETHER THAT CHANGE IS FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE IS UNKNOWN , BUT LIFE IS NEVER GOING TO BE THE SAME ONCE IT HAPPENS. N O AMOUNT OF TIME CAN ERASE THE MEMORIES OF A PERSON WHO GOT SO CLOSE , AND CHANGED THE ENTIRE SCOPE IN WHICH WE SEE LIFE . I CAN DELETE ALL THE TEXT MESSAGES I WANT FROM HER , BUT I WILL NEVER FORGET WHAT SHE TOLD ME . I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO REMEMBER EVERY LITTLE DETAIL , EVERY SITUATION FROM OUR TIME TOGETHER , BUT WHAT I WILL REMEMBER IS HOW SHE MADE ME FEEL . OUR TIME TOGETHER WAS SPECIAL , TOO SPECIAL . I TOOK IT FOR GRANTED FROM TIME TO TIME , AND SHE DID JUST THE SAME . RATHER THAN FOCUSING ON HOW MUCH WE CARED FOR EACH OTHER; WE WERE TOO BUSYING FOCUSING ON HOW WE DID NOT CARE , AND THAT CAUSED US TO LOST SIGHT OF WHO WE WERE TO EACH OTHER . WHEN WE DID CARE FOR ONE ANOTHER THOUGH, WE WERE HAPPY . I WAS NOT GOOD AT RECIPROCATING LOVE BECAUSE I WAS ONLY GOOD AT CREATING THE MOMENTS TO SPUR UP THE LUST THAT LAID INSIDE HER . AS SOON AS I STARTED DOING THAT , IT WAS TOO LATE . WHAT WE HAD TOGETHER WAS GONE. FROM THAT DAY IN THE PARK WHEN I BROKE UP WITH HER OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS NEVER GOING TO BE THE SAME . N O MATTER HOW MUCH I TRIED TO GENERATE LOVE BACK INTO HER IT WAS ALWAYS GOING TO BE FAKE . SHE WAS RIGHT TO BREAK UP WITH ME EVERY TIME SHE DID , BUT I WAS TOO STUBBORN TO LET GO. HER LOVE AFTER THAT DAY WAS NEVER GOING TO GROW. S HE GOT WHAT SHE WANTED , SHE HAD ME . T HERE WAS NOTHING MORE FOR HER TO DO OR FOR HER TO SHOW . BY LETTING HER BACK INTO MY LIFE I GAVE HER FREEDOM . AS HER LOVE WAS DWINDLING FOR ME , MY LOVE FOR HER WAS GROWING . SHE ALWAYS USE TO TELL ME HOW UNSURE SHE WAS ABOUT BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME, OR JUST NOT BEING READY TO BE BACK TOGETHER WITH ME . I KNEW THOSE WERE EXCUSES. THERE WAS NO QUEST FOR LOVE INSIDE HER ; THERE WAS JUST AN EMPTINESS LOOKING TO BE FILLED , AND IT DID NOT MATTER WHO WAS FILLING IT .

THAT IS WHY I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO RESPECT HER. NO, I DO NOT BLAME HER ENTIRELY FOR THE FAILURE OF OUR RELATIONSHIP, BUT WHAT I DO BLAME HER FOR IS HER DISHONESTY . SHE USED WORDS TO MANIPULATE PEOPLE , AND TAKE ADVANTAGE OF WHOEVER SHE WAS TALKING TO . F OR INSTANCE , THE GUY SHE WAS TALKING TO MY SENIOR YEAR , THINGS WERE NOT GOING IN HER FAVOR . HE WAS NOT OVER HIS EX- GIRLFRIEND , AND THERE WAS NEVER GOING TO BE ANYTHING FORMED OUT OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP AT THAT TIME . THERE WAS NOTHING SHE COULD DO TO REMEDY THAT SITUATION . SO WHAT DID SHE DO ? SHE STARTED TALKING TO ME AGAIN . THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE SHE MEANT WELL FROM TALKING TO ME , BUT I WILL NEVER BELIEVE THAT CLAIM . SHE WAS STILL TALKING TO HIM FOR A FEW WEEKS AFTER SHE TEXTED ME IN N OVEMBER BEFORE SHE FINALLY STOPPED ALTOGETHER BECAUSE IT WAS A LOST CAUSE . T HEN SHE PROGRESSED INTO TALKING TO ME FOR ABOUT A WEEK , AND THEN CAME THE OTHER GUY SHE TALKED TO . I WAS NOT ANYTHING SPECIAL. I NEVER WAS AFTER THAT DAY IN THE PARK . I WAS ALWAYS A BACKUP PLAN , A PLAN B FOR HER . W HEN SOMEONE BETTER CAME ALONG IT WAS GOODBYE TO ME . I STILL REMEMBER WHEN SHE TOLD ME ABOUT HOW A KID I KNEW TOLD HER SHE TOOK ME FOR GRANTED . I KNEW HIM FROM PRE - SCHOOL, I NEVER REALLY HUNG OUT WITH HIM OR TALKED TO HIM OUTSIDE OF SPORTS , BUT FOR HIM TO SAY THAT , IT BROUGHT ME TO TEARS. N OT BECAUSE IT WAS NICE OF HIM TO SAY , BUT IT WAS THE TRUTH. I WAS TAKEN FOR GRANTED SINCE THE END OF JUNIOR YEAR . IT IS STILL THE MOST HEARTBREAKING THING FOR ME TO THINK ABOUT TO KNOW THAT I WAS A FEW WORDS FROM ENDING THE RELATIONSHIP BEFORE I LEFT FOR THE UNITED KINGDOM , BUT DECIDING NOT TO BECAUSE OF THE SPLINTER OF DOUBT I HAD IN MY MIND THAT TOLD ME , YOU MAY STILL WANT TO BE WITH HER. JUST SEE WHERE YOU STAND AFTER THIS WEEK AWAY , WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE ? APPARENTLY , I HAD EVERYTHING TO LOSE. SHE WENT FROM BEING HEARTBROKEN WHEN I TOLD HER I WAS UNSURE ABOUT BEING WITH HER, TO A DAY OF HAPPINESS WHEN I LEFT AND SAID I LOVE YOU , TO GETTING OVER ME IN THREE DAYS AFTER SHE SENT THAT LONG MESSAGE ABOUT WANTING TO BE WITH ME THAT MY FRIEND IS THE TRUE DEFINITION OF NOT BEING IN LOVE . W HEN IN LOVE , YOU DO NOT JUMP FROM PERSON TO PERSON TO PERSON EXPECTING EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM TO TREAT YOU LIKE SOME PIECE OF ROYALTY , IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY ; AND IF YOU THINK FOR EVEN A SECOND IT DOES , YOU WILL NEVER FIND THE TRUE MEANING OF LOVE . YOU WILL NEVER
BE ABLE TO HANDLE THE PROBLEMS AND THE TRIALS OF HARDSHIP THAT COME WITH LOVE IF YOU ARE NEVER SET ON GOING THROUGH IT ALL WITH JUST ONE PERSON . AND THAT IS WHO SHE WILL ALWAYS BE REMEMBERED AS TO ME . THE GIRL WHO SEEKED ATTENTION FROM MANY MEN, RATHER THAN SEEKING THE ATTENTION OF A MAN WHO WOULD HAVE LOVED HER FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE .

SHE WILL ALWAYS BE MY FIRST LOVE , SHE WILL ALWAYS THE WHAT IF, SHE WILL ALWAYS BE THE ONE TO HAVE A PLACE IN MY HEART EVEN THOUGH SHE PUSHED ME TO THE BRINK OF DEATH . HER LIES AND HER DECEIT WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN . AS SOON AS SHE ENDED OUR RELATIONSHIP IN APRIL SENIOR YEAR , SHE WENT BACK TO TALKING TO THE VERY FRIENDS WHO MADE MY LIFE MISERABLE JUST LIKE SHE DID . I SUPPOSE IT

MADE SENSE , IT GAVE THEM SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT . WALKING OVER TO MY FORMER BEST FRIEND IN BIOLOGY CLASS TO FLIRT RIGHT BEHIND ME , TO GET UNDER MY SKIN . ALL THE PAIN AND MISERY SHE PUT ME THROUGH I HAVE TO THANK HER FOR IT THOUGH BECAUSE IT HAS GOTTEN ME TO WHERE I AM NOW.

EPILOGUE,
THIS IS THE END
BUT EVERY END IS A NEW BEGINNING .

DOES THE MAIL STILL SEND


WHEN MY TEARS RAN THE INK ON THE ADDRESS ?

OH WELL, I STILL REMEMBER THAT TALE


ABOUT THE MAN WHO FOUGHT THE GIANT .

HE OVERCAME HIS DEMONS


AND WON WHAT WAS THOUGHT TO BE IMPOSSIBLE .

I DO NOT REMEMBER THE END AT ALL


BUT I LIKE TO IMAGINE HE LIVED A HAPPY LIFE .

THERE WAS ANOTHER MAN ,


HE WAS BORN TO DIE .

HE FACED A BIGGER DEMON


AND DECIDED TO TAKE HIM HEAD ON .

HE WON EVERY TIME THEY CAME TO MEET


BUT HE DIED YOUNG WITH MOURNERS AT HIS FEET .

I DO NOT KNOW WHERE HE IS NOW , I LIKE TO IMAGINE HE IS ONE OF THESE SHINING STARS. THERE WAS ALSO THE WOMAN
WHO HAD TO FREE HER OWN PEOPLE .

SHE FACED DEATH AND PERSECUTION


BUT THAT DID NOT SCARE HER AWAY .

SHE FREED SEVENTY


AND NOW SHE IS FOREVER ASSOCIATED WITH LIBERTY .

I HOPE YOU READ THIS LETTER


TO TELL YOU THE MIND IS THE ONLY MATTER WHERE THE LIMITS MUST ME SHATTERED .

LETTER TO THE LOST

THAT IS MY STORY . I FELL IN LOVE IN AUTUMN, BUT WAS LEFT BROKEN IN SPRING. IT SEEMS THE ONLY TIME WE ACTUALLY LOVED EACH OTHER WAS IN THE FALL . WE LOVED EACH OTHER WHEN EVERYTHING WAS BEGINNING TO DIE , OR AT LEAST GET READY FOR THE HARSH WINTERS. I SHOULD HAVE PAID MORE ATTENTION TO THE SEASONS . SPRING WAS THE BLOOM THE TIME SHE WANTED TO START A NEW WITHOUT ME . SUMMER WAS THE FRESHNESS THE TIME WHEN SHE WANTED TO BE FREE . FALL WAS THE GROWTH THE TIME SHE WANTED TO BE TOGETHER. AND WINTER WAS THE DEATH THE TIME WHERE ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN IN THE COLD . I WENT FROM A BOY WHO USE TO GAZE AT THE STARS IN AWE ON A PORCH TO A BOY QUESTIONING THE EXISTENCE OF LIFE . IN THREE SHORT YEARS OF MY LIFE , I HAVE BECOME A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON. I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE IN THE POSITION I AM IN NOW , WRITING THIS SHORT STORY ABOUT A FEW YEARS IN MY LIFE . I NEVER THOUGHT OF MYSELF AS A WRITER , I NEVER SAW WORDS AS A WAY TO CAPTURE EMOTION. SO MUCH HAS CHANGED IN MY LIFE , I HAD TO START IN THE BEGINNING. I AM GLAD I WENT THROUGH WHAT I WENT THROUGH; IT HAS MADE ME A BETTER PERSON. I LEARNED MORE ABOUT PEOPLE THROUGH PAIN THAN I EVER DID THROUGH HAPPINESS. I AM NOT A VERY SOCIAL PERSON, I KEEP TO MYSELF A LOT OF THE TIME TO AVOID CONFRONTATION . I DO WISH I WAS MORE OPEN AT TIMES , I WOULD NOT COME OFF AS WEIRD TO PEOPLE BUT I JUST CANNOT SHAKE HOW I ACT SOCIALLY . I AM AWKWARD , MY HUMOR IS HARD TO GET AT FIRST AND I USUALLY MAKE TERRIBLE FIRST IMPRESSIONS . I AM OKAY WITH IT ALL THOUGH BECAUSE THAT IS WHO I AM AND THAT IS WHO I WILL BE . T HE PEOPLE WHO ARE IMPORTANT TO MY LIFE HAVE FOUND WAYS AROUND MY FLAWS , OR I TOOK CHANCES TO PUT THEM IN MY LIFE . IF I WAS HOW I WISH THEN I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO SAY THESE WORDS , AND I AM HAPPY TO BE ALONE AT TIMES BECAUSE ALL THOSE THOUGHTS CAUSED BY OVERTHINKING DO PROVE SOME GOOD POINTS AT TIMES WHEN I LISTEN CLOSE ENOUGH . NATURE HAS BECOME THIS IDEAL COMFORT ZONE FOR ME. I SIT ON THE COUCH JUST WONDERING ABOUT ALL THE FABULOUS AREAS OF THE EARTH I HAVE YET TO SEE FIRSTHAND . I FANTASIZE ABOUT GOING TO A TROPICAL RAINFOREST AND SEE ALL THE WONDROUS SIGHTS IT HAS TO OFFER. THE THICK GREEN FORESTATION, AND THE BRIGHTLY COLORED ANIMALS AND PLANTS. I HAVE THIS URGE TO TRAVEL THE WORLD , I WANT TO FORGET ABOUT HIGHER EDUCATION AND JUST GO . I WANT TO GO TO THE COASTS OF N EW Z EALAND , I WANT TO VISIT THE TEMPLES OF C HINA , I WANT TO BE ON THE BEACHES OF HAWAII , AND I WANT TO EXPERIENCE THE WILDERNESS OF THE A FRICAN SAVANNA . I HAVE NO SENSE OF NOSTALGIA , I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO WHEN I WAS YOUNG BECAUSE I AM STILL YOUNG . I WANT THE CAPABILITY OF CLAIRVOYANCE . I WANT TO OWN

A TIGER . I WANT TO TAME A SAVAGE BEAST COATED IN A ONE OF A KIND FUR , AND HAVE A BOND WITH IT BECAUSE WE BOTH HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON . WE DO NOT FIT IN TO THE STANDARDS THAT WE LIVE IN, BUT WE ADAPT TO SURVIVE . THAT IS WHY I LOVE CARING FOR CATS MORE THAN DOGS BECAUSE A DOG IS TOO DEPENDENT . A CAT HAS A FAR BETTER CHANCE OF SURVIVAL IN THE WILD WITHOUT THE HELP OF HUMANS , AND TO HAVE A LINK WITH AN ANIMAL LIKE THAT IS MORE WORTHWHILE TO ME .

SADLY, THESE ARE BUT MERE DREAMS OF MINE , AND THAT IS FINE WITH ME BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER BE A DREAMER THAN A REALIST . I WAS A REALIST BACK WHEN I DETACHED MYSELF FROM EMOTION AND CARING ABOUT OTHERS , BUT NOW THAT I HAVE BECOME ATTACHED TO ALMOST EVERYONE WHO HAS BEEN A PART OF MY LIFE I CANNOT HELP BUT DREAM THROUGH INFLUENCE . I UNDERSTAND THAT DREAMS CAN NEVER HARM US . EVEN WHEN WE HAVE NIGHTMARES, WE ARE NEVER TRULY HURT FROM THEM . WE STILL WAKE UP , BUT IN OUR DREAMSWE LIVE WE CREATE NEW WORLDS OUT OF THE ONE WE LIVE IN. D REAMS WILL FOREVER BE OUR ONE GUARANTEED ESCAPE FROM REALITY . THERE ARE NO RULES , NO LIMITS IN OUR DREAMS . EXCEPT FOR ONE , WE CAN NEVER PUT A FACE OF SOMEONE WE HAVE NEVER SEEN IN OUR DREAMS. OUR MINDS CANNOT CREATE A FACE TO A BLANK BODY , BUT THAT IS THE GIFT OF OUR DREAMS . WHO IS GOING TO BECOME THAT FACE THAT CHANGES OUR DREAMS FOREVER ? WE ALL HAVE THAT ONE PERSON WHO CHANGES OUR REALITY , BUT WHAT WILL IT MEAN TO YOU WHEN SOMEONE COMES ALONG AND CHANGES THE PLACE YOU GO TO ESCAPE ?