Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease: Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1

sauce behind each ear as cologne. She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date." Your cow takes up painting and wants to wear an earring. Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body. Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'. Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows. Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King. She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia. Your cow starts smoking grass rather than eating it. Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards. Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars. Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose. You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago. Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds. Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.

I hope they don't raise the standard of living any higher, I can't afford it now. The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.