M

y name is? That is a good question. I have been called every

name under the sun, and for many years I believed what people said about me, youre stupid you will never be anything, no one loves your a slut who cares what happens to you. Im sure you get the picture. So once again what was my name? What I am trying to say is that I went through an identity crisis. I was trying to be what anyone wanted me to be because I realized being me was never good enough. I never thought to care about being anything... especially being a woman of God. I believed I didn't deserve to be called a women , let alone one that had to do with God. Molested several times by the age of five, and rapped by the age of thirteen. No self-worth or self-esteem, even I wondered at times who I am. I was in a foster home by the age of five scared, sad, lonely, and lost. I was stripped from the very place I called home. I never felt afraid until the day I slept in a stranger house for the very first time. I remember trying to stay up as long as I could because I was alone in an unfamiliar place. Sometime I remember as child feeling like it was all my fault, and I was the bad one. Many of days I blamed myself for telling, and wished that I just dealt with the pain. Some of you might say why? I would of still had my mommy, and her love. To feel the warmth of her hugs, and to see her smile. I would of endured anything just to be close to the only one person I had...my mother. I no know that I did the right thing, because he would of never stopped. God has always watched over me...because I am still here with all of you. I am grateful. This is my journey of how this little girl was inspired to fight when everyone else in my opinion deemed me unworthy of the very thing I needed most....just to be LOVED. I needed someone to help me with the aftermath of the deep rooted pain that took over the course of my life and ultimately my thought process. On my journey I had a social worker, and at times I felt like she was the only one who cared. She is part of the reason that I didn't give up on me, because she would never allow me to give up . Thank you Fran for your encouragement I needed

it more than you know. Women when you have been violated in any manner " it is never your fault" ! Sometimes it was hard for me to believe that it wasn't my fault. When I was no longer in my home, and mentally that played a very big role in how I felt about myself and others. I had not trust for anyone. I was in several foster homes, and I was always the little girl no one wanted because I was molested, and they didn't know how to handle me. What I am trying to say is that I was abused , then given up, neglected, and rejected by family ,and strangers. I was five can someone please tell me how was I to handle loss of security, and love all in the matter of one day. That was all it took for my life to change from what I had known it to be, all because I was tired at the age of five of being hurt by a man I called daddy who loved me....NOT! "It is baffles me now when I look at a natural disaster , and we send all types of aid to the rescue. Don't people realize being violated, molested, raped, and abused of any kind is like a natural disaster left untreated... things rot, people give up , people lewd and take what is not theirs like our body, our mind, and our spirit, your right to be protected and respected . You take someone's innocence with no regard for the scars she must bare, and leaving her with shame upon her face that no one cares, and the thought that there is no help in sight, or better yet no hope that a brighter day is within her grasp. People forget that battered little girls not helped turn into teenage girls who runaway, promiscuous, disrespectful, angry, suicidal, violent, and down right terrors, and then those teenage girls become women with issues of depression, why me, no one cared about me and now your left with someone society gives up on, and doesn't even want around. She is deemed not worthy to be a citizen, but hello where was her help. She is the same little girl that was cute, and let's help her but no help came. Remember ladies we are so quick to smudge other people in the dirt but don't forget that you were once dirt yourself. Help someone else out pull, pray & encourage them, and then turn around and love on them. Some of us just want love. I can say all of this because she was me.

As I became a teenager I was looking for love in any place I could get it from, and it just happens to be through different sexual partners and even though I thought they loved me I couldn't have been more wrong. My perception of Love was distorted. As I laid in the bed with the pillow over my face I used to think he loves (my molester, my rapist, my first , second, third, and so on. I don't mind telling my story, it's humiliating to some but it's my life story. If you talk about me that's ok with me. If you say oh my god she is this, and that your correct I was. I was lost, misguided, and hard headed due to the life that I accepted. I make no excuses for what I have done, but I have asked God to help me, and change me to be better. Let me clarify something for you, I have never known a love of anyone on earth that has heard my cry, and accepted me the way Christ has. His forgiveness is enough. So if you have a problem with my story take up with my daddy. My story is here to inspire you. When everyone counted me out I was pulled together with God's super glue which is His word, and His love. I am ready and willing to be unveiled to you to help you get to where God want you to go as His Daughter's in Christ.. The devil had to believe I was something so precious that he wanted to destroy me you hear what I say to destroy me. I had my first child at the age of 15 in a foster feeling like if I just have a baby it would always love me. Remember when you feel unloved you don't care who, what are where you get it form, but your going to get it. It's like a drug, a bad decision your in need. I needed to feel loved, and a baby would give me that unconditional love so I thought. The only thing is I didn't even know how to take care of myself so how was I going to take care of a baby. I don't know. I didn't realize that the journey I was on will eventually effect those around me because your searching for something that can't be attained until you look within yourself. Well I lived up to the status quo, and two years later I had my second son at seventeen still in a foster home, and still lost. No guidance in sight but who wanted to help me now by this time I was angry, hateful, manipulated, felt sorry for myself wondering why my life had to end up this way. Showing love was impossible even to myself, and

those around me. The anger, and pain wouldn't allow me to raise my head. The shame took over my mind and I felt t I didn't deserve anything and started believing everything that happened to me I deserved. The only thing I had was two boys going along for a ride that was not bolted down, and with every fare paid the ride became more unstable. I was that ride. I remember in counseling I was told by my counselors that I had a fifty percent chance of becoming a molester because I was molested. If I could tell her now that she was so wrong, and that was not my path. The pain I endure I wouldn't want my worst enemy to feel that. I wish I never stopped counseling. Little did I know I would end up a victim of myself. I felt I was worth nothing so I allowed men, and people who I called friends to treat as such. I was in abusive relationship which almost cost me my life. I guess I stop caring and death seemed better than life. What did I no I so used to being someone else. I felt I had two people living in the same body. I felt if the counselor had gone though something similar she might of been able to help me better. That is not to say that all counselors are not helpful or good. I just felt like I wanted someone to identify with my pain so they could help me identity with myself and my issues that became problems which became habits that today I learning to overcome. Thank God. The devil through so much my way and I was like a puppet falling for it every time. I would ask myself who am I? By the age twenty-one I was a mess and my third son was born, why I kept having babies some might ask. I loved the ideas having someone to love me, and I could love them back. Not realizing that I loved them, but I was looking for a different kind of love that only I thought my mother could fill. I was so wrong. I wanted to feel accepted, and needed. I just needed someone anyone to extend a hug, encouragement, an I love you something " I am here to help you". LOL like the kids say now that never came. To be honest if love was extended I wouldn't even have recognized it. I believed love to be fake, unreal, overrated a fairy tale. If the love of the people I needed most wasn't there why would someone else give it to me. Who was going to love a failure, and now a mother of

three really. I had no hope, and some days I just wanted at times to take my own life. I was failing my kids, myself and I believed no one would even care if I fell off the face of the earth. My sons and their welfare would always come to my mind. If I leave my boys they would feel the pain I felt of abandonment, I didn't want that for them. They were my motivation to put down the pills, not drive over the embankment, and to leave my abusive relationship. My boys made me feel needed, and loved. I went to church on several different occasions, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to follow this Jesus I have heard about. "How was HE going to fix all these problems? " I really needed this pain to go away..... So I continued to go to church to listen, and hopefully learn about this Jesus the pastor talked about. I decided what can it hurt. The pain Im feeling know is unbearable which almost drove me to the brink of suicide. I was so lost and didn't want to listen to anyone. Now that I am grown you give advice when I cried myself to sleep many of nights in a bed unfamiliar sheets no one was there. I thought OK pastor where was God when I cried out from the pain when he covered my mouth and said I was his baby girl, are the time the man told me if you move I could kill you, are the time my boyfriend came to my house with a gun to take my life, are the time I was in my house and I had one day to move, and no money, are the time I got an abortion because I was careless, are the time I tried to slit my arms, are the time I ...... yeah I can still go on. My question was where was God them. I feel it was a set up from the beginning and I was the on the losing end from the start. I now know there are people who love me with no ulterior motive, they want nothing from me , and they love me just because of who I am. By the age of 28 I was on my fourth child, and I started to go to church again. I felt by knowing God things will get better, and they did . Until I started thinking man has hurt me, and this Jesus came down in form of a man he might hurt me to. I was scared, and somewhat afraid to put my trust in God, and to be truthfully honest I didn't believe him all the way either... real talk...I went from victim to victimizer, and I didn't care who got hurt it was all

about me whoever me was. I am now thirty-seven years old, and I have five boys, and divorced. That is another topic. I have had a hard life some would say. Some I have caused from the pain, and some just because I choose to do what I wanted. This is only part of my story that I am sharing. I wanted you all to know that we may go through difficult times, and when you feel no one is there I now have learned that God was there every step of the way. He was saying Natasha I i'm here. I kept you from losing you mind, committing suicide, abandoning your children, stopping the bullet that was meant to end your life, I kept diseases and trauma far from you. I was there those mornings, afternoons, and nights that you didn't see pain, drama, hurt, death ect. coming. Why because I blocked it. He knew I would become a women after His own heart. I now know he formed me for a reason, and it was for His glory. Daddy you get all the glory and honor.

Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations. Jeremiah 1:5 (KJV) I wanted to know if He was really there so I dared him (how funny to say that, but I did). I was scared of the dark because when he would molest me he would cover my face with a pillow and all I could see was darkness. So this is when I understood that God was real, and about the time the transformation began. I was in my bed, and I said God I am really scared to turn the light off, and He asked me do you trust me. I was like um yeah but I am still scared, but I turned of the light anyway I figured what could it hurt. To me it means nightmares where I am running for my life and when I get to the end of the maze it's a cliff and right before I fall I awake sweating and my heart racing as if I had swam a race in water. So I turned off the light and I saw a little light as small as a pen tip, and before I knew it a bright light flashed and my whole life began to flash before my eyes, and when I awoke it was morning. God had a fan , and I am starting to realize

someone is listening His name was God. I thank God that I AM still here, and have time to get it right . I am a woman trying to find my way home not to a man, but to my God where my help comes from, and where my safety lies. I have learned that I am somebody, I can do all things through Christ that has strengthen me... those words now have life. I have learned that Obedience is better than sacrifice, and that I have dominion over sin so in actuality, I/We/You dont have to sin. Now have I been perfect since I've change to the wining side with Christ....I've made mistakes and have fallen.....but I am sure so have you. I am just honest enough to say it, but I AM getting free. I am willing , and I will continue to fight the fight of Faith, and overcome in Christ Jesus. I hope my story inspired you, and took you through the ups and downs of life but ultimately the end will be greater than the beginning. God said the last shall be first, and the first shall be last. I learned from my church that I am a speaking spirit.

I decree and declare that I will never stop having Faith, and that V.O.W.S will touch lives across the nation, and my son's hearts will be guided back to God. That my family will learn the meaning of togetherness , and unity. That my daddy will send His King that will love me with the love of Christ, and that everything the locust and cancer worm has eaten my father will restore, and my daughter will be healthy. My husband, son's and my daughter will be proud of his wife and them of their mother that she was courageous, and never gave up, and ultimately an overcome by the blood of the lamb. If I can do it so can you. One day, one hug, one encouragement, one belief, one dream, one hope with the only ONE living God. Be blessed.