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The Definitive Book of Body Language

Chapter 1 Understanding the Basics In the Beginning o Albert Mehrabian Impact of a message 7% verbal o words 38% vocal o Tone, inflection, etc 55% nonverbal o Kinesics Ray Birdwhistell Study of nonverbal communication o Key to body language reading understanding a persons emotional condition while listening to what they are saying o noting the circumstances under which they are saying it Why women are more perceptive o Perception Spotting contradictions between someones words and their body language o Women vs Men 14 to 16 areas of the brain vs. 4 to 6 areas For communicating and evaluating people Female brain Organized for multi-tracking o Juggle between 2 and 4 unrelated topics at the same time Basic origins o Smiling Threat gesture in most carnivorous animals Primates Used in conjunction with nonthreatening gesture o Show submission o Sneering Warn others of attack o Nostril flare Allows more oxygen to body for fight or flight Primates Backup support is needed to deal with a threat Humans Threat

Universal gestures o Ex.: Shoulder shrug Person doesnt know Person doesnt understand 3 main parts Exposed palms o Shows nothing is concealed Hunched shoulders o Protect the throat from attack Raised brow o Submissive greeting 3 Rules for accurate reading o Rule 1: Read Gesture in clusters Interpreting a single gesture is a novice error Single gestures are like single spoken words Clusters are like sentences People often have repetitive gesture clusters Ex.: Critical Evaluation o Hand-to-face gesture Index finger pointing up the cheek Other fingers cover mouth Thumb supports chin o Legs tightly crossed Defensive o Arm across body Defensive o Head and chin down Negative / hostile o Says, I dont like what youre saying I disagree Im holding back negative feelings o Rule 2: Look for Congruence Check that a persons words and body language are not in conflict o Rule 3: Read gestures in context Gestures should always be considered in the context that they occur How to become a great reader o 15 minutes a day o Become aware of your own gesture

o Emotional or physical Anger / irritation Something isnt right

Read anywhere many people meet and interact Airport Shopping mall Turn down the television volume News shows Talk shows

Chapter 2 The Power is in your Hands How to detect openness o Exposing palms When someone begins to open up / be truthful They will expose part or all of their palms to the other person Concealing them may be a sign of not wanting to open up Deceptiveness Use of palms to deceive o Open-palm gestures give appearance of honesty Also encourage honesty In speaker and receiver Palm Power o 3 main palm command gestures Palm-up position Submissive Non-threatening Ex. : if you want someone to talk and be open o handover gesture You are ready to listen Palm-down position Immediate authority antagonizing Palm-closed-finger-pointed position Symbolic club o Beats listeners into submission Evokes negative feelings Replace with OK type gesture o Finger curled in, thumb pressed on top o Seem authoritative, not aggressive Thoughtful, goal-oriented, focused Ex.: You use a palm command gesture and ask a person to pick something up and move it to another location Palm-up position o Not feel pressured

Handshakes o Origins

o Unlikely to feel threatened Palm-down position o Person will sense as an order o Feel antagonistic Especially if they have more rank Palm-closed-finger-pointed position o Feel annoyed o Feel oppressed o Speaker comes off Aggressive, belligerent, rude

Dominance o 3 transmitted attitudes Dominance Turning your hand palm downwards o Communicates that you want to take control Submission Turning your hand palm upwards o Like a dog exposing their throat Effective if you want to give the other person control Allow the other person to feel they are in charge o Ex.: an apology Considerations o A person trying to protect their hands Job-related arthritis Equality Both struggle for control o Equality and mutual respect o Women High feminine signals in a handshake Loses credibility Firmer handshake is a sign of being open to new ideas Create Rapport o 2 ingredients to rapport

Lower-arm-grasp Gripping each others wrists Check for concealed weapons Evolution Seal commercial deals

Be sure that both you and the other persons palms are in the vertical positions Apply the same pressure that you receive Disarm a Power Player o Palm-Down Thrust Like a nazi salute Typical of overbearing, dominant person Always initiates it Forces receiver into submissive position o Countering the Palm-Down thrust Step-to-the-right technique 1st step forward with your left foot as you reach to shake hands o Considering common to shake with right hand nd 2 step forward with your right leg o Moving across in front of the person Into their personal space rd 3 bring your left leg across to your right leg Allows you to straighten the handshake o Possibly turn it to a submissive The Hand-on-Top Technique Respond with hand in palm-up position o Then put left hand over his to form Double-Hander Straighten the handshake Switches the power from them to you The Last Resort Grasp their hand on top and shake o Use if a person Palm-thrusts regularly Uses it to intimidate Left-side Advantage o Easier to gain the upper hand when shaking hands Ex.: in photographs Control o Two-handed handshakes Origin 90% of the humans are born with the ability to throw the right arm in front of the body for basic self-defense o Double-Hander restricts this defense Increases the amount of physical contact Left hand is used to communicate the depth of feeling the initiator wants to convey

The relative distance the initiators left hand is placed up the receivers arm Establishes control over the receiver Should never be used in greetings where a person bond doesnt exist Only acceptable in instances where a hug would be appropriate If a person uses one on you they may have a hidden agenda Double-Hander Wrist Hold Elbow Grasp Upper-Arm Grip The Shoulder Hold 8 Worst handshakes o The wet fish Cold and clammy hand o The vise Palm presented down Crushing grip 1 sharp downward thrust 2 or 3 hard return strokes A sign of fear of being dominated o The Bone-crusher o Finger-tip grab Aim is to keep the receiver at a comfortable distance This also can result from differences in personal space o Stiff-arm thrust Used by aggressive types Main purpose is to keep people at a distance Large personal space bubble o Socket-wrencher Forcefully gripping the receivers outstretched palm Then applying a sharp reverse thrust dragging the receiver in Can mean 1 of 3 things The initiator is an insecure type o Only feels safe in their own personal space The initiator is from a culture with smaller special needs The initiator wants to control the receiver by pulling them off balance o Pump handle The pumper continues to pump the arm more than the accepted 7 max. May also continue to hold the receivers hand after pumping has ceased Prevents escape o Dutch Treat

Power of touch o Elbow touch Touching with your left hand while shaking hands with your right has powerful results Gives up to 3x chance of getting what you want Works for 3 reasons o Elbow is considered a public space Far away from intimate parts of the body o Touching a stranger is not considered acceptable in most countries Creates an impression o Light, 3-second, elbow touch creates a momentary bond o Hand brush

Giving a handshake like a bunch of carrots Stiff fingers

Chapter 3 The Magic of Smiles and Laughter Muscles and smiling o Two sets of muscles control a smile Zygomatic major muscles Run down the side of the face Connect to the corners of the mouth Pull the mouth back to expose the teeth o Enlarge the cheeks Consciously controlled o Can be used to produce fake smiles To appear subordinate Orbicularis oculi Pull the eyes back o Make the eyes narrow o Cause crows feet o Act independently Reveals true feelings Genuine smile o Eye cover fold moves downward Fleshy part of the eye between the eyebrow and eyelid o Eyebrows dip slightly Show sincerity Aggression o Apes Bare their lower fangs, warning they can bite

Humans Drop or thrust forward the lower lip Unsheathing the lower teeth Signal of submission o Chimps have 2 smiles Fear Face Submission to a dominant other Appeasement Lower jaw opens to expose teeth o Corners of mouth are pulled back and down Im not a threat because, as you can see, Im fearful of you. Play face Teeth are exposed o Corners of the mouth and the eyes are drawn upward Vocal sounds are made o Similar to laughter Im not a threat because, as you can see, Im a playful child. o Humans Tells the other person you are nonthreatening Asks the other person to accept you on a personal level Smiling is Contagious o Mirror neuron in the brain Triggers the area responsible for recognition of faces and expressions Causes instant mirroring reaction o We automatically copy facial expressions we see Smiles trick the brain o Hardwired The ability to decode smiles is an aid to survival Need to be able to recognize whether an approaching stranger is friendly or aggressive o Fake Smile Appears stronger on one side of the face than the other Both sides of the brain attempt to make it appear genuine The right half of the brains cortex that specializes in facial expressions sends signals mainly to the left side of the body o False facial emotions are pronounced on the left side of the face Deliberate liars smile less than usual Liars associate the common societal belief that liars smile more When they do smile o Comes quicker and lasts longer than normal liars mask o

5 common types of smiles o Tight-lipped smile Lips are stretched tight across the face to form a straight line Teeth are concealed Sends the message that the smiler has a secret withheld opinion attitude they wont be sharing favored by women who dont want to reveal they dont like someone read by other women as a rejection signal most men are oblivious to it o The Twisted Smile Shows opposite emotions on each side of the face Ex.: the right brain raises the left-side eyebrow, the left zygomatic muscles and the left cheek to produce one type of smile on the left side of the face o The left brain pulls the same muscles downward on the right side to produce an angry frown Can only be done deliberately Only means sarcasm o The Drop-Jaw Smile Only the lower jaw is dropped down to give the impression that the person is laughing or playful Engenders likability Ex. : the Joker o Sideways-looking-up Smile With the head turned down and away while looking up with a tight-lipped smile The smile looks juvenile, playful, and secretive Shown to be mens favorite when women do it Engenders parental male feeling o Makes men want to protect and care for females Frequently used by women to attract men o Seductive o Powerful come-on signal o The George W. Bush Grin Permanent smirk Makes the majority of people think you are hiding something

Chapter 4 Arm Signals

Arm Barrier Signals o Crossed-Arms gesture Learned as a substitute for not hiding behind things like a child may do Creates a barrier Protects vital organs, the heart and lungs Unconscious attempt to block out what we perceive as o A threat o Undesirable circumstances Can be seen when a person is o Nervous o Negative o Has a defensive attitude When a listener has their arms and/or legs crossed Speaker credibility dramatically reduces o Listener has more negative thoughts about the speaker A listener pays less attention o Retains less of the message Even if arms-crossed feels comfortable you may be less receptive As a speaker, when you see someone in arms-crossed position Assume you may have said something that they disagree with o It may be pointless to continue your line of argument Solution o Give them something to hold or something to do Gender differences o Mens arms rotate slightly inward Allows men to aim and throw more accurately o Womens arms rotate slightly outward Splayed elbows give a wider, more stable position for carrying babies Women tend to keep their arms more open around men they find attractive Fold their arms against men they find aggressive or unattractive Crossed-Arms-on-Chest o attempt to put a barrier between the person and someone / something they dont like o Universal Defensive and negative Commonly seen in Strangers in public meetings Lines Elevators Anywhere people feel uncertain / insecure o Solutions Give the listener something to hold

Pen, book, brochure Give the listener something to do Sample, written test Ask them to lean forward to look at a visual presentation Stand-up or Lean forward with palms up Address them with a statement o I can see you have a questionwhat would you like to know? o Whats your opinion? Then sit or lean back to indicate that its their turn to speak o By using palms up, you nonverbally tell to be open and honest o Weapons People who are carrying weapons will rarely use an arms-crossed gesture Reinforced Arm-Crossing o Fists-Clenched-Arms-Crossed Clenched fists coupled with full arm-cross Shows hostility and defensiveness If combined with a tight-lipped smile or clenched teeth and red face o a verbal, or possibly physical attack could happen o means a person also has an aggressive, attacking attitude Arm-Gripping o Double-Arm-Grip Persons hands tightly gripping their upper arms to reinforce themselves and avoid exposure of their front body Arms can be gripped so tight that the fingers and knuckles can turn white Blood circulation is cut off Its a persons way of comforting themselves with self-hugging Commonly seen in doctors and dentists waiting rooms Also first time air travelers Shows a negative, restrained attitude Insecurity Not buying what is being sold to them o Ex.: at the end of a presentation Person will not say yes Better to ask questions o Uncover objections Status and arm-folding o Superiority can be shown by NOT folding arms Powerful enough to stay vulnerable Arms-crossed with Thumbs-up o Shows in control and feeling cool

Thumbs-up gesture is a way of showing others we have a self-confident attitude Folded arms still give a feeling of protection o At the end of a presentation Listener will accept if clustered with positive gestures Partial-Arm-Cross o One arm swings across the body to hold or touch the other arm Forms barrier and acts as hugging self Common in Women o Creates a comfort when in stressful situations o Often seen in meetings where a person may be a stranger to the group A person lacking self-confidence Holding-Hands-with-yourself o Also known as the Broken zipper Position o Recreates the feeling of someone holding your hand o Commonly seen in men Receiving an award or giving a speech Feeling dejected and vulnerable Line a soup kitchen, unemployment, social security o Protecting the crown jewels Arms-crossed with items o Cuff-link-adjust Seen in men adjusting a cufflink Someone adjusting a watch Women adjust a bracelet or ring o Flowers-Handbag-Clutch Women clutch handbags Men holding briefcase in front of them o Other items Checking contents of wallet Clasping / rubbing hands together Playing with a button Any gesture that allows an arm to cross in front of the body Holding a glass with 2 hands While sitting where a person places their glass after taking a drink is a strong indicator of whether they are convinced or open to what you are saying o Feeling hesitant, unsure, negative about what they are hearing Place the cup to the opposite side of their body Single-arm barrier

o Sitting o Defensive and submissive Will sit symmetrical One side of their body is a perfect mirror of the other Display tense muscle tone Look as if they expect to be attacked o Defensive and dominant Display tense muscle tone Will sit assymetrical One side of the body will not mirror the other o Elbows on the armrest of a chair Position of power Conveys strong, upright image o Arms dropping inside the arms of the chair Appears humble, defeated Power of touch

Feeling open, accepting, positive about what they are hearing Place the cup to the same side as their hand Shows anxiousness and self-consciousness o

Chapter 5 Cultural Differences The biggest cultural differences exist mainly in o Territorial space, Eye contact, touch frequency, insult gestures 3 Most common cross-cultural gestures o The Ring / OK sign o Thumbs up o The V-sign / 2

Chapter 6 Hand and Thumb Gestures Hands with speech o When discussing 2 points of view A person will use their favored hand when speaking of their favorite point Right-handed favor their right Gestures improve recall o Hand gestures Grab attention, increase impact, improve retention Rubbing palms together o Raised-Palms-Rub Shows positive expectancy Ex.: Dice thrower at the craps table o Waiter rubbing hands together at the end of the meal

The speed of the hand rub signals whom the gesturer think will benefit Slowly mean the speaker plans to benefit Thumb and finger rub o Rubbing the thumb against the index finger is commonly used as a money-expectancy gesture Wanting money o Should be avoided Hands Clenched Together o Shows a restrained, anxious, frustrated, or negative attitude Used in by a person who thinks they are losing o Commonly assumed to signal confidence This is not necessarily true o 3 main positions in front of the face resting on the desk or lap when standing, in front of crotch Correlation between height of hands and frustration The higher the hands are held the more difficult the person will be o Solution Do something to break their hands apart The Steeple o Fingers of one hand lightly press against those of the other hand, form a church steeple Sometimes rock back and forth like a spider doing push-ups o Often seen individually, not in clusters o Frequently used in superior-subordinate interaction Giving instructions or advice o Indicates a confident or self-assured attitude o Should be avoided when you want to be persuasive o Raised Usually used when talking When combined with the head tilted back An air of smugness / arrogance o Lowered Usually used when listening Women use this position more than men o In Chess or games When you make your play or begin to make a play Person leans back and steeples o Confident Person leans forward and Hand-clenches or Arms-clenched o Doesnt like what you have done

In clusters When combined with negative gestures like Arm-folding, leg-crossing, looking away, hand-to-face gestures May be confident a person wont say yes Face Platter o One hand on top of the other and rest the chin on the back of the top hand, presenting the face to the man o Positive gesture used in courtship o Used mainly by women and gay men Attract a mans attention Hands held behind back o Gesture of superiority, confidence, fearlessness and power o Exposes the vulnerable areas Stomach, heart, crotch, throat o Common among people in a position of authority Royalty, police, leaders o 3 common placements Hand-in-palm expresses fearlessness, superiority, confidence, and power Hand-gripping-wrist Expresses frustration and is an attempt at self-control o As if an attempt to prevent the arm from striking out Upper-arm grip Express severe frustration The higher up one hand grips the opposite arm, the more frustrated or angry the person is likely to be Thumb displays o Thumbs denote superiority o Displays dominance, assertiveness, sometimes an aggressive attitude o Secondary gestures Usually part of a cluster Such as crotch thrusting Rocking on the balls of the feet to show height o Positive signal Often used as an Im cool gesture o Thumb protruding from pocket Shows in-control attitude Sometimes reveals lack of sincerity If words and other cluster doesnt match Back pockets Hiding their dominant attitude o

Arms-folded-with-thumbs-pointing-upward Defensive attitude combined with superior attitude Common to people who o Gesture with thumbs when they talk o Rock on the balls of their feet Chapter 7 Evaluation and Deceit Signals Lying Research o Research shows that social liars (people who tell white lies) are more popular than those who continually tell the truth Even though we know the social liar is lying o 62% of people lie 2 to 3 times every 10 minutes o 91% of people regularly lie at home and work Hand gestures and deceit o People who hear bad news or witness an accident will often cover their entire face with their hands to symbolically stop themselves from hearing or seeing bad news o Children who lie will often cover their mouth with one or both hands If they dont want to listen they cover their ears If they dont want to see something they cover their eyes Hand-to-face gestures o Occur when a person is lying, covering up, or witnessing deceit More frequent when lying Also more gulps of saliva o Secondary gestures; part of larger clusters Women are better liars o Women tell more complicated lies than men Why its hard to lie o The subconscious mind acts automatically and independently of a verbal lie Body language gives away the truth o To get away with lying one must practice What feels like the right gestures Reduce the gesturing, mainly the positive and negative gestures the most common lying gestures o The mouth cover Hand covers the mouth The brain subconsciously instructs it to try to suppress the deceitful words being spoken May only be several fingers or a closed fist May also appear as a single finger, Shhh Disguise may be attempted with a fake cough If done while you are speaking the listener may feel you are hiding something

The Nose touch One or Several quick rubs below the nose Women do this with smaller strokes than men Read in the context of clusters Not to be mistaken with deliberate scratching of an itchy nose Caused by chemicals known as catecholamines released into the nasal tissue Cause the inside of the nose to swell Also occurs when a person is upset, anxious, angry The Eye Rub Brains attempt to block out the deceit, doubt, distasteful thing it sees Also avoid having to look at the face of a person they are lying to Less likely in women Use small, gentle touching motions just below the eye Also avoid gaze by looking away sometimes combine with a false smile and clenched teeth The ear grab Attempt to block the words they are hearing Also signals the person has hear enough Seen as covering, cupping, or tugging Also the Finger Drill o Rubbing the back of the ear Used by someone experiencing anxiety The neck scratch Index finger scratches the side of the neck below the earlobe Usually the writing hand A person will scratch an average of 5 times Signal of doubt and uncertainty Characteristic of someone who says, Im not sure I agree Very noticeable when verbal language contradicts The collar pull Rub, scratch neck or pull collar away from neck to alleviate itching Caused by increased blood pressure from deceit and sweat forming on the neck Also accounts for this gesture in uncertainty Occurs when a person is feeling angry or frustrated The deceiver may be lying an feel you know they arent telling the truth When someone uses this gesture ask Could your repeat that / clarify that point?

Stop and ask a question o I can see some people disagree. Would anyone like to ask a question?

Fingers-in-the-Mouth Unconscious attempt to establish security when a person is under pressure Also seen by sucking on pen, cigarette, glasses stem, chewing gum Outward indication of a need for reassurance Evaluation and Procrastination gestures o Hand-to-Cheek Shown by a closed hand resting on the chin or cheek Often with the index finger pointing upward o Genuine interest is shown when the hand lightly rests on the cheek Not used as head support o Negative thoughts or critical thoughts When the index finger points vertically up the cheek and the thumb supports the chin Sometimes the index finger may rub or pull at the eye Often misinterpreted as a signal of interest o When losing interest but wants to appear interested for courtesy The heel of the palm will begin to support the head o Hand-to-Chin gestures Chin stroking A signal that the listener is going through the decision-making process When asked for their decision, the gestures following a Chin-Stroke will indicate whether their decision will be positive or negative o Stay quiet and watch the next gestures. o Ex. : followed by crossed arms, legs, leaning back Negative o Ex: followed by open arms, leaning forward, picking up a sample Positive Chin stroke alternative Objects in the mouth allow stalling and not to feel urgency in giving an immediate response Glasses o Following an evaluation cluster, puts one arm of the frame in the mouth Cigarette o A smoker will take a puff When a person puts a pen or finger in their mouth o Stalling clusters Sometimes boredom, evaluation, and decision-making gestures come in combinations Each show different elements of the persons attitudes Evaluation-decision-making cluster o

Evaluation gesture moved to the chin, and the hand may also be stroking the chin o Person is evaluating the proposition and drawing conclusions at the same time Evaluation-decision-boredom cluster When the listener begins to lose interest in the speaker o Head begins to rest on the hand Head supported by thumb as listener loses interest o Head rubbing and slapping gestures Pain in the neck gesture Rubbing the back of the neck o Caused by tingling feeling Feels threatened, fearful, frustrated, or angry Forehead slap Used to communicate forgetfulness Not intimidated by their forgetfulness o If they slap the back of their neck they are intimidated by your asking about the result or their forgetfulness o Chess games Steepling Confidence Uncertainty / unhappy Mouth cover, ear grab, neck scratch Boredom o Listener supporting their hand on their hand o Degree of boredom is related to the extent to which their arm and hand are supporting their head Usually begins with the chin being supported by the thumb and then by the fist as it wanes. Extreme lack of interest is shown when the head is fully supported by the hand o Drumming the fingers on the table and continual tapping of the feet on the floor are often misinterpreted as boredom signals This is a signal of impatience The faster the tapping the more impatient Combined with head rest means it is time to end

Chapter 8 Eye Signals Dilating Pupils o Pupils dilate and contract as your attitude and mood change from positive to negative and vice versa

When someone becomes excited their pupils can dilate up to 4x the original size Pupils dilate when people view something that stimulates them Pupils dilate when people reach a solution to a problem or puzzle o Contract Angry or negative mood causes the pupils to contract to a beady, tiny size Pupils contract when viewing something that turns them off Eyebrow flash o The eyebrows rise rapidly for a split second and then drop again Purpose is to draw attention to the face so that clear signals can be exchanged Unconscious signal that acknowledges the other persons presence Probably linked to the fear reaction of being surprised o A universal hello Also found in primates o We dont eyebrow flash strangers or people we dont like People who dont eyebrow flash upon greeting tend to be viewed as aggressive Eye widening o Lowering the brow shows dominance / aggression o Raising the eyebrows show submission o Women widen their eyes by raising their eyebrows and eyelids to create a babyface Powerful effect on men by releasing hormones in their brain Stimulates the desire to defend and protect The Looking Up cluster o Lowering the head and looking up A submissive gesture that appeals to men Makes the eyes appear larger and the woman more child-like Sexual expression o Lowering the eyelids while raising the eyebrows, looking up, and slightly parting lips o Used by women Gaze behavior o To build good rapport maintain a gaze 60 to 70 percent of the time Meeting gaze less than 33% of the time leads to being untrustworthy o Typically whoever looks away first is looked at as subordinate o 70% of liars maintain strong eye contact with their victim Assumption is they are less likely to get caught Lie-catching ability drops an average of 25% o When a person meets your gaze form than two-thirds of the time They may find you interesting They could be issuing a challenge Sideways Glance o Used to communicate interest, uncertainty, or hostility

Dilation

When combined with slightly raised eyebrows or a smile Communicates interest Usually used by women o With down-turned eyebrows, furrowed brow, or corners of mouth down-turned Communicates suspiciousness, hostility, critical attitude Extended Blinking o Normal blink rate is 6 to 8 per minute Eyes closed 1/10 of a second o Blink rate increases under pressure Unconscious attempt to block the stress from their sight Eyes may close longer Sign of superiority o May be combined with up-turned nose Darting eyes o Eyes dart from side to side Brain searching for an escape route o Reveals insecurity about what is taking place o Seen when listening to a boring individual Also common to see tight-lipped smile with increased eye contact Basic types of gazes o The Social Gaze Triangular area between the eyes and the mouth for about 90% of the gaze time o The Intimate Gaze The gaze is across the eyes, below the chin to the lower parts of the body For close it is between eyes and chest For distance it is between eyes and groin Gaze is used to show interest in the other person o The Power gaze The gaze is across the eyes to the middle of the forehead Changes the atmosphere to serious Maintains pressure on the person o As long as your gaze doesnt drop below their eye level o The Power stare A non-blinking power stare towards an aggressor If panning, move eyes first Then move head to follow o NLP Recalling a picture Look upward and to their left Recalling a sound Look to the side and tilt head like listening o

Recalling a feature or emotion Look down and to their right Mentally talking to oneself Look down and to their left These eye movements happen in a fraction of a second Also come in clusters The Power lift Controlling where a person is looking using a pen to point to a visual aid Point to the presentation, paper, etc Next lift the pen into the space between your eyes and their eyes o This will lift their eyes to meet yours o Keep your palm open while you are speaking to them

Chapter 9 Space invaders territories and personal space Territory is the area or space around a person that claims as his own o As if an extension of the body o Depends on the society that a person grows up in o People in prison typically have larger space needs than most people They tend to be more aggressive o People in the country typically have larger space needs than people in the city A bubble of up to 36 inches Lean in to shake hands o Objects as simple as a pen can reserve space for an average of 77 minutes max Zone Distances o The intimate zone 6 to 18 inches Represents the zone a person guards as they would property Only available to those who are emotionally close Subzone of 6 or less inches Only for those of physical closeness o Personal Zone 18 to 48 inches Talking distance Friendly gatherings o Social Zone 4 to 12 feet Distance we stand from strangers o Public zone Over 12 feet Addressing a large group of people

Tolerating strangers to enter our intimate zone from the social zone causes physiological changes within the body Heart pumps faster Adrenaline pours into the bloodstream Blood is pumped to the brain and the muscles o If you want people to feel comfortable around you, keep your distance o Hip distance The distance people keep their hips when they embrace is an example of how close they feel with each other Masking o Attempt to keep a neutral, emotionless mask o Common in crowded places or places where someone invades privacy o Common habits, like in elevators No talking to anyone including a person you know Avoid eye contact Maintain a poker face Pretend to be engrossed in something you are reading Like reading elevator numbers change No movement o

Chapter 10 How the Legs Reveal what the mind wants to do People are least aware of their legs and feet o People jiggle or tap their feet when they want to escape what they are experiencing o People increase lower body movements when they lie Glass topped tables cause more stress Walking o How people swing their arms when they walk tells what they are like or want people to think they are like Gait, speed, arm swing Purpose of the legs o Legs are designed to move us toward what we want and away from what we dont o Crossed legs show closed off and uncertainty o Uncrossed legs show openness and dominance 4 main standing positions o At attention Formal position Neutral attitude o No commitment to stay or go Used more by women than men o Legs apart Plants both feet firmly on the ground

Clear statement of no intention of leaving Dominance signal Crotch display Mainly a male gesture o The Foot-forward Body weight is shifted to one hip Leaves the front foot pointing forward o Foot points where the mind wants to go o In groups the points to who we find most interesting o Standing Leg-Cross Shows a lack of confidence, negative and defensive emotions Causes others to react similarly Sitting leg cross o European leg cross One leg is crossed neatly over the other 70% of people cross left over right When combined with arm cross They are emotionally withdrawn from the conversation o American figure four Seated version of the crotch display Shows that an argumentative or competitive attitude exists Men who sit like this are seen as being more dominant Also more relaxed and youthful Figure four leg clamp Lock the figure four in place by grasping the ankle o The person is sticking with their competitive attitude Sign the person is tough-minded, stubborn, rejects others opinions o The Ankle Lock Mentally biting your lip Shows fear, negative emotion, uncertainty Men doing this include a crotch display o Studies have shown that most people make final decisions with both feet on the floor Dont try for a decision if legs are crossed

Chapter 11 The 13 most common gestures youll see daily The Head Nod o Signals a yes, agreement, understanding o Speed of nod is important Slow = listener interested Fast= listener has heard enough o Head nodding tends to be reciprocal

The Head Shake The basic head position o Head up Person has a neutral attitude about what is being said Combined with chin jutting forward Signals superiority, fearlessness, arrogance o Head tilt Conveys submission and nonthreatening attitude o Head down Chin down Signals negative, judgmental, aggressive attitude The head duck o Raising the shoulders and pulling the head down between them Person is protecting their vulnerable neck and throat Trying to appear smaller in order not to cause offense o Used when someone hears a loud bang or something may fall on them Picking imaginary lint o A person disapproves of the opinions or attitudes of others Doesnt want to say anything o Usually combined with looking down and away Good sign the person doesnt like whats being said o Solution Ask what they think Sit back, arms apart, palms visible Hands-on-Hips gesture o Person takes up more space and shows the weapons of pointed elbows Half-raised arms o Ready for assertive action o Makes us appear bigger o Achiever stance o Combined with coat Closed coat shows frustration Open coat, pushed back, shows direct aggression Cowboy stance o Thumbs stuck into belt or tops of pockets Frames the genital area Mainly used by men Women who use it are seen as sexually assertive Legs spread o Male dominance gesture Leg-over-the-arm-of-chair

o Signifies ownership of the chair o Informal, aggressive attitude Straddling a chair o Signals a need to dominate and control, while remaining protected o Easiest way to disarm them is to stand up or stand behind them The catapult o Seated version of the Hands-on-hips o hands behind the head Elbows pointed out creating bigger appearance o Shows cool and confident attitude Arrogance Thinks they know more than the other people o Usually clustered with a crotch display or figure four cross Starters position o Leaning forward with one or both hands on knees or on the edge of the chair o Signal that a person is ready to end the meeting Also may be angry

Chapter 12 Mirroring How we Build Rapport Mirroring is copying the body language of others One of the most common forms of mirroring is yawning Mirroring shows similarity o Makes people feel at ease Intentionally mirroring can be done to create rapport o Dont do it too early as the person will become aware of it Never mirror the negative

Chapter 13 The Secret Signals of Cigarettes, Glasses, and Makeup Cigarettes o Smoking is an outward signal of inner turmoil or conflict A need for reassurance Cigarettes are like thumb-sucking o 2 types of smokers Social Take smaller, quicker puffs o Stimulate the brain, heightened level of awareness Addicted Longer, slower puffs o Sedative effect o Men Keep wrist straight

Glasses o Glasses-arm-in-mouth A reassurance gesture Stall or delay Gestures that follow signal the persons intention Puts the glasses back on o Wants to see the facts again Folding the glasses and putting them away o Intention to terminate the conversation Putting / tossing them on the desk o Rejection of the proposal o People with glasses are viewed as having a higher IQ Unless they are oversized

Keep smoking hand high Wrist bent back in wrist display gesture Front of body open Smoke exhalation Upward Feeling positive, superior, confident about what they see or hear Ex.: playing cards, good hand Downward Feeling negative, secretive, suspicious about what they see or hear Out of the corner of the mouth mean even more so Considering they arent blowing away to attempt to not offend

Women

Drop smoking hand below chest level Front of body closed

Chapter 14 How the Body points to where the mind wants to go Body Angles o Open positions Facing towards is aggressive A person who is invested in their argument Facing away creates a friendlier appearance People who are feeling each other out will stand at 45 degree angles o Closed positions When people want intimacy their body positions change from 45 to 0 degrees If a third wants to join a closed conversation They will be accepted only if the others open to them Seated positioning o Crossing legs toward another is a sign of interest

Chapter 15 Courtship displays and Attraction Signals Both men and women both walk livelier to show health and vitality, conveying suitability o Men will stand taller, protrude jaw, expand chest o Women will emphasize breasts, tilt head, touch hair, expose wrists to appear submissive The attraction process o Stage 1: Eye contact o Stage 2: Smiling o Stage 3: Preening o Stage 4: Talk o Stage 5: Touch 13 most common female courtship gestures o The head toss and hair flick o Wet lips and pouting, mouth slightly open o Self-touching o The limp wrist o Fondling a cylindrical object, like a glass o Exposed wrist o Sideways glance over raised shoulder o Rolling hips o The pelvic tilt o Handbag in close proximity o The knee point o The shoe fondle o The leg twine

Chapter 16 Ownership, Territory, and Height Signals We lean against other people or objects to show a territorial claim o Can also be used as a method of dominance or intimidation if the object belongs to someone else Neutralizing height o Set up a space where you can control the environment Have chairs of varying heights Have tall people sit in shorter chairs Sit at opposite ends of a table o Talk in a public place o If someone is talking over you while you are sitting Get up and go look out a window, for example o Act assertively o Wear dark colored clothing Pin stripes

Stand up straight and walk tall

Chapter 17 Seating Arrangements where to sit and why Rectangular Table positions o Corner position People engaged in a friendly, casual conversation Seated across from each other at one corner of the table Facing each other Allows good eye contact Opportunity to use and observe gestures Provides partial barrier Avoids territorial division of the table Most successful place to deliver a one-on-one presentation o The Cooperative Position Two people thinking alike or working on a task together Seated on the same side of the table Turned 45 degrees toward Allows good eye contact Opportunity for mirroring To move into this position Show something from your own perspective o They dont have to get up If another person is discussing something o The Competitive/Defensive Position Sitting across from one another Creates bad vibes and defensiveness Decreases the chance of successful persuasion o The Independent position Seated at opposite corners on opposite sides of the table Taken by people when they dont want to interact with each other Occurs between strangers Square tables o allow everyone to take a position maintain direct eye contact o Good for short, to-the-point conversations Round tables o Creates an equal atmosphere This is distorted if a high status person sits People sitting closer to that person are viewed with more importance How to switch table territories

place document on the table The person will either lean forward, look at it take it to their side o This gives you the opportunity to enter their territory Taking corner or cooperative position Leave it where it is o You will be giving your presentation where you are They dont want you on their side Angle your body away 45 degrees Push it back into your territory

Chapter 18 Interviews, Power plays, and Office Politics High-status people always keep their cool, revealing as little emotion as possible Nine Keys to making a great first impression o In the Reception area Remove outer wear and give to receptionist if possible Avoid entering an office with arms full of clutter Always stand, never sit, in the reception area Hand-in-Hand behind your back Slowly rock back and forth on your feet o The Entry Walk in without hesitation Do not stand in the doorway Maintain a consistent speed o The Approach Walk in, set your things down, shake their hand, take a seat Briskly, medium pace with medium strides o The handshake Palm straight and return the pressure you receive Let the other person decide to end the shake Step to the left of a desk to avoid the Palm Down Never shake directly across a desk o When you Sit If you are seated across from the person Angle your chair 45 degrees away o If you cant angle the chair, angle yourself o Seating areas If it is informal seating area Never sit in a low sofa o If you do sit upright on the edge, 45 degrees away o Your gestures

High status individuals use fewer gestures Mirror when appropriate o Distance Respect the other persons personal space o Your Exit Pack things calmly and deliberately Shake hands, turn and walk out the door If the door was closed when you entered close it when you leave Make sure your shoes are shined People watch you leave If someone keeps you waiting more than 20 minutes they are disorganized or doing a power play o Always bring something to do to show you are a busy person 7 strategies to get the edge o Stand up for meetings o Sit competitors with their backs to the door o Keep your fingers together when you talk o Keep your elbows out or on the arms of your chair o Use power words Discovery, guarantee, love, proven, results, save, easy, health, money, new, safety, you o Carry a slim briefcase o Watch their coat buttons Agreement is usually reached when people have their coats unbuttoned

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