Police Blotter

Matt Kleetman, 34, Ontario, Ohio, was arrested at 4:39PM EST for attempting to defecate on an endangered species at a protected national forest. He also had a blood alcohol level of 1.9, more than twice the legal limit. He is currently being held on $10,000 bail.

Jack Carpenter, 46, Newark, NJ, was arrested at 2:32AM EST for circling several elementary school parking lots with a blood alcohol level of 2.9, almost 4 x the legal limit. He was charged with a DUI, loitering, attempted kidnap of a minor and was in possession of a several weapons and a controlled substance.

Roger Lapore, 29, Pensacola, FL, was arrested at 11:14PM EST for breaking into a local high school and stealing Vicodin from the school infirmary and replacing it with his old high school English teachers cholesterol medicine. He was charged with breaking and entering and felony poisoning. He is being held on $100,000 bail.

Marcia Falkman, 32, Manchester, NH, was arrested 5:29PM EST for attempting to have cybersex with a 14 year old. She coerced the minor into meeting her at a local park but didnt realize she was being led into a trap by an undercover cop. She faces charges of child endangerment, attempted statutory rape, and tampering with evidence. She is currently being held on $1,000 bond.

Ricky Tommy Jarvis, 30, San Angelo, TX, was arrested at 6:40PM EST for embezzling funds from a school car wash that was raising funds for pancreatic cancer awareness. Jarvis was also in possession of a small amount of low grade marijuana and inhalants were found in his glove compartment. He is currently on death row.

Jacob Bible, 41, Wheeling, IL, was arrested at 9:02PM CST for loitering at a tupperware convention and refusing to leave the premises. He eventually had to be restrained and was found carrying over a hundred Ritalin capsules. He was also in possession of a firearm without a permit. He is currently serving time in Rio for vehicular manslaughter and bestiality.

Ernest Curry Jr. III, 43, Biloxi, MS, was arrested at 5:50AM EST for window peeping and stalking a senior citizen. Police found sex toys and lubricants in his van as well as a pouch full of expired condoms. He was also in possession of child pornography and nude pictures of himself. Judge denied bail and he is currently in jail being desecrated by the inmates.