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Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work

What the research really says

True or False?
It is better for the children if the parents remain married, even in a hostile marriage.

True or False?
The primary goal of those helping married couples should be to reduce conflict in the relationship.

True or False?
Active listening has never been proven to be an effective practice.

True or False?
Expression of anger has been associated with increased marital satisfaction.

Fact
Unhappily married couples underestimate the positivity in the relationship by as much as 50%

True or False
Bickering, passionate couples were the only group to have a romantic marriage after 35 years.

True or False
The husband should be in charge.

True or False
In ailing marriages couples generally communicate clearly.

True or False
Most things people argue about cannot be solved.

True or False
People should not begin marriage with high romantic expectations.

Fact
In ailing marriages the positive things dont erode, they are just done less and less over time. Patterns are established early and become more entrenched over time.

Fill in the blank


Nearly 80% of men and women say their major reason for wanting a divorce is ______________

Short answer
Who has the most influence in setting the mood in the home?

Marriage Killers
Harsh start-up

Marriage Killers
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: the most corrosive of all relationship behaviors

Marriage Killers
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: 1. Criticism (vs. Complaint)

Marriage Killers
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: 2. Defensiveness

Marriage Killers
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: 3. Contempt

Marriage Killers
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: 4. Stonewalling

Marriage Killers
Flooding

Marriage Killers
Failed repair attempts

Marriage Killers
Bad memories

Making Marriage Work


Principle 1: Love Mapping

Making Marriage Work


Principle 2: Nurture Fondness and Admiration

Making Marriage Work


Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other

Making Marriage Work


Principle 4: Accept Your Partners Influence

Making Marriage Work


Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems 69% of problems are perpetual

Making Marriage Work


Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock

Making Marriage Work


Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning

Effective Problem Solving


Softened start up Repair and de-escalation Accepting influence Compromise Soothing

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