MIND YOUR LANGUAGE

THE EXAMINATION
Mind your language is a British comedy series from
the late 70s. The series focuses on a group of adult
students in a London school. The classes take place
in the early evening, and are taught by Mr. Brown,
though on occasion other individuals take over the
class if he is not available. The class consists of
foreigners with varying degrees of English proficiency.
The humour of the show is derived from the students
misunderstanding English words or terms, and plays
up to the cultural stereotype of their individual nation
of origin.

Oh dearie me! l am losing again. Sure, lt's someone who was born near the sound of Bows Balls
Good evening all. Bells.
Hello Sid. Hockay.
How you doing? You want a drink?
What? No thanks.
How you doing? l just called for some cigarettes
Very much! l'll have a pint. Excuse me please Mr. Brown
l said ''how you doing'' not ''what you having?'' Would you be having any changes for a pound to be putting in
What? machine?
Never mind! Come on. You're wasting your money.
Hello curly! What can l get you? Ali
How about excited? No l'm sure to be winning.
Congratulations. l'm holding three bars - lt's your money! Let's have a look.
You are the five hundredth person to say that tonight. You win our Good evening everybodies.
star award, a beer mat. Good evening Ranjeet.
Thanks! A pint for Sid! Excuse me!
Thelma Ritter. What are you doing you damn fool?
Thelma Ritter, eh? l'm Giovanni Cupello. l'm having a go on this machine.
That is not her name! Thelma Ritter's a pint of bitter! It's Cockney l'm winning the Jackpot. That is my winnings.
rhyming slang. How can it being your winnings? l am putting the money, 10 p. ln
Sure l remember. Here's your ten p. back.
42 pence! Take your dirty hands off my money.
And a packet of assaulted peasnuts please! lt is my money you bearded bandit.
Cheers. Quiet the pair of you! Why don't you share the money?
Thanks a lot. lt's a good idea! There's five of us.That's one pound each.
How is the Las Vegas kid doing, eh? l mean between Ali and Ranjeet! Then you've both won.
Terrible. You are as wise as a Holy Guru.
You never win nothing on this machine. Thank you.
l tell you! lt's fixed. Actually, it's time you all go back to school.
Oh no, lady behind bar is telling me it is nearly time for somebody lt's your exams tomorrow! You should be taking every opportunity
to be winning the Jack in the pot. l try again! But this time l am not to study.
looking! l know.
See l tell you, you not win nothing. Okay. We go.
Yes but l am getting three bars! Look! lf l'm holding them, next l go.
time l will be winning. Come on Ali! You too.
You've already spent one pound. Waiter?
Yes but if l am getting another bar, l will be collecting five pounds. Pardon?
Oh dearie me! l am not having any more ten p's. Could you be A gin and tonic and a lager please.
changing this please? l'm afraid you're making a mistake.
Sorry Ali, l spent all my change. Don't be ridiculous! l know what l want.
Max. A gin and tonic for me and a lager for my husband! He's just
l got any ten p's. parking the car.
l'll be losing the jack in the pot. No, you don't understand!
Ah professori! l'm a school teacher.
Good evening. That's nothing to be ashamed of. l think it's quite commendable
Good evening. that you should supplement your income by working in a public
Thelma Ritter, bitter - You've been talking to Sid the caretaker house.
Sure, he's teaching me more of his cockeyned slanging rhyme. Look Madam, l am not what you think l am.
Cockney. And l am not interested in your personal problems! l just want a
Excuse me. gin and tonic and a lager.
Max! Yes...
Yes Mr. Brown. Now.
lt's your point of interest! You have to remember what a cockney A gin and tonic and a lager.
is. Good evening Mr. Brown.
Hello Sid, how are you? cigarettes l was mistaken for a waiter, bought two drinks for two
l'll have a gold watch. people l'd never met before was called a peasant and finished up
Pardon? by pouring a glass of lager over a man's head.
A scotch. You're an even bigger liar than your students!
l wasn't offering you a drink. l would have thought you'd have made an effort to be early this
You are? evening. After all, it's your last chance to teach them something
Never mind. before they take their exams tomorrow.
A scotch for Sid! 20 cigarettes for me. Yes, miss Courtney you're quite right as usual.
And a gin and tonic and a lager for that lady over there. Not that l think any of them have the remotest chance of passing
She thinks l am a waiter. ln your places please.
What? She thinks ve are stupid.
She thinks l'm a waiter. l think she may have a point.
How long have we been doing it? Por favore.
What? Yes Juan.
This waiting. What you think about this exam? You think we pass?
l'm not! l'm not a waiter. Do l think you'll pass? Juan, for the past 13 weeks, you've all
You are? been coming here to study 13 weeks of hard work, diligence and
Never mind. application, 13 weeks of blood toil and sweat. Slowly, little by little,
One pound 60 please. you have improved. When you sit down to take your examination
Well actually these drinks are for that lady and gentleman over tomorrow l will have no doubts whether you'll pass or not! You
there. haven't a cat in hells chance!
They've still got to be paid for. Quiet!
Yes but... Oh blimey, you are not giving us any confidence.
Never mind l'll pay for them and they can pay me later. Maybe some of you may manage to scrape through but l shall be
How much is it for the gin and tonic and the lager? most surprised if you all pass.
72. l shall pass to plove supeliolity of lepubric of China.
72. Yes we'll see about that!
Good health. ln the meantime, l want tonight to talk about the exam and
Good health. afterwards if any of you have any questions about any points
There you are! 72 p. please. you're not sure of they'll just ask and l'll do my best to answer
Didn't l see you take a drink of my lager? them.
Yes, it was only a sip. Excuse me please.
Oh yes l suppose you were tasting it to make sure it was fit to Not yet Taro.
drink. l want to talk about the exam first.
lt was purely accidental. Then you can ask a question.
l've a good mind to report you to the brewery. Ah so.
Frankly, l couldn't care less what you do. Now the first thing is l shall not be taking you.
Your attitude is typical of the working class mentality. lt's people Excuse please Mr. Brown, where will you not be taking us to?
like you that are ruining the country! You're nothing but a peasant. l mean l shan't be here tomorrow when you take your exam.
And you sir are a bourgeois snob! 72 p. please. Jelly good! We can be reading all the answers from our books
l refuse to pay for a drink that has been contaminated by your There will be somebody here.
lips. Oh dear.
l see. l am thinking l am going to be up a gummy tree.
All right don't pay for it! Have it on me! ln any case, you're not supposed to cheat. lt's customary for
Here you go! another teacher from another school to take an examination of
Silence. This is disgraceful! Ten minutes past seven and Mr. this kind.
Brown has not arrived. Excuse me please.
But you are mistaken! Later Taro please.
He is here, isn't he Anna? Ok.
Ja. When you take your examination, the lower Cambridge certificate
That's right! He's always early. is not too difficult.
Yes please. The exam is divided into 3 parts. There will be an oral exam and a
Tonight, he was being so early that he was here ten minutes written one! Then comes dictation.
before he arrived. ls that his name?
He's just gone out. ls that who's name?
Where has he gone out to? The man who is going to be taking us to be doing the
Tea room. examination! Dick Tation.
Toilet. Dictation is when a person reads something out aloud and
l beg your pardon! another person copy it down.
Toilet . Like a short fingered typist
Tea room. Short hand typist.
Would you like to try again? Yes please.
Vot they mean is, first he goest to tea room, then he goes to toilet Excuse me please.
Yeah. You can ask your question in a moment Taro.
Hello Miss Courtney, sorry l'm late. When you've completed your examination, the papers are taken
But you're not. away to be marked. And you will be notified of the results by post.
Really? So please make sure you write your names clearly on your
According to your students, you were here all the time. papers. Christian name and surname.
Oh yes well... l cannot do that.
And where exactly were you? Why not?
We told you, he... l am not a Christian.
l'm asking Mr. Brown. lf you want to be pedantic about it Ranjeet, write your surname
Well? and forename.
Ah yes... l am not having four names also.
What is going on? The prefix fore in this case is spelt FORE and means first for
l don't know, but from their sign language l think they're trying to example ''forefinger''.
say l was having a cup of tea in the toilet. Uno momente! Four finger - one thumb.
Actually Miss Courtney, l'll tell you the truth! l am late, and the No not four fingers.
reason is this! l'd just called to the pub opposite for some Si, si. One, two, three, four
This is my forefinger. Si l am very nervous.
No, it's only one. Nonsense, come on.
l wonder if l should cancel tomorrow. That didn't hurt, did it?
Por favore? Not a lot.
Never mind. Ranjeet
Excuse please. That's funny, where did that ink come from?
Yes you can ask your question now Taro. Maybe your pen has got a leak.
Requesto permission to visit toilet. Let me see your hand Giovanni.
Yes of course, sorry. There's nothing there professori.
Thank you. The other one.
Has anybody else got a question? There's nothing there either.
Yes, after tomollow, will we see you again? There's something there now, isn't it?
That depends on so many things, whether l'm engaged for Oh no, my pen is got a leak as well.
another term or whether any of you decide whatever the results of And l suppose while it was leaking, it just happened to write a few
your exam to come back for a further course. verbs down.
l will give you my address! You can come and see me any time Sorry professori, my verbs is a bit bad.
Quiet, quiet! l suggest you clean all that off. l don't seem to have a
Mr. Brown, can you spare a moment please? handkerchief myself .
Certainly, l suggest you all study your verbs until l return. Max has got a hankerchief!
As you know, another teacher will be taking the exam tomorrow. l got no handkerchief .
Yes. What's that sticking out of your top pocket?
The gentleman who used to be the principal of this college will be Oh that, lt's not a proper handkerchief.
supervising your class. He's in my office now! l thought it might be Maybe Ali's got a proper handkerchief.
a good idea if you met him. Let me see that handkerchief Max.
l'd like to. l see, pronouns are your weak point.
Do try to make a good impression. lt does no harm if he's lt's right
favourably disposed towards you. l'll keep this.
This is our English teacher Mr. Brown How many other little tricks have you been up to Ali? You're very
lt's you. quiet, are you keeping something under your hat?
lt's a small world, isn't it? Blimey, how are you guessing that?
Silence please! l didn't!
Exam in progress. While l'm thinking of it, Taro would you like to stand up please?
Good evening Mr. Cupello! All ready for your examination? Very ingenious!
Sure, everything's gonna be ''Oki talki'' Bueno Serra everybody. Now Juan, where's your little crib hidden?
Has anybody got a pen? Por favore?
Yes. Never mind por favore! l know it's somewhere, it's written all over
But prease lemember who it berongs to. your face.
Sure l will. No, no write on my face.
What are you doing? This is no laughing matter. Come on Juan, where is it?
l tell you! l just been studying my verbs! So l'm gonna write them Under table.
down on my hand so l don't forget. Ranjeet.
Typical of western dishonesty. A thousand apologies.
l think it's a good idea. Danielle, Anna, Jamila, Su Lee?
You want to write verb tenses on your hand too? We no cheat! Plefer to pass exam on own melits.
No, l'm ok on verbs but not good on pronouns. l'm grad... glad to hear it.
So write pronouns. Some last minute coaching Brown?
No need. No, no l just came in to wish them luck.
l already write them on handkerchief. They're going to need more than luck.
Smart! Goodbye Mr. Brown.
lt is wrong to cheat. Listen, l'm sorry about yesterday.
Don't you agree Ali? Goodbye Mr. Brown.
Not at all, l am also cheating. Goodbye! Good luck.
You have got something written on your handkerchief? Now l want absolute silence during this examination, understand?
No, it is in my hat. Same again!
This is terrible! lf you are found out, you will be disqualified Don't you think you've had enough?
Old japanese philosopher he say ''Man who deals flom bottomo, How can l have had enough? l'm still standing.
usually end up on top''. You've been to the loo once.
You as well? That doen't mean anything.
Taro not good on adverbs. So have some written on chair seat. You're making it up.
Good evening everyone.Nice to see you all are bright and early. Hello Sid .
l expect you're feeling a bit nervous. Same again, thank you.
l am not nervous. Half a bitter please Mavis and whatever Sid's drinking.
Good. Sid tells me you're not married.
l am putrified. That's right l'm not.
Petrified. l'm not married as well.
Well do your best! Congratulations.
l'm not supposed to be here so l shall be in the pub. l haven't even got a boyfriend.
All right? Really?
All right. How about you?
But if you all call in when you finish your exam, l'll buy you all an l haven't got a boyfriend either.
end of term drink. Good luck Taro. Not a regular one anyway!
Thank you. Look, have a drink on me alright? These are for you.
You must be nervous! That's the first time you haven't stood up There you go Sid! There's your pre-exam.
and bowed. Pre cheer! You learned it, aint you?
Good luck Juan. Yeah.
Muchas gracias. Good old chap
Good luck Giovanni. How's your Lil?
Thanks professori. She's still living.
You're not too nervous to shake hands, are you? You don't mean that.
Yeah. How'd you do?
You know when l was courting her, l used to worship the ground l'm very well! How do you do?
she walked on. l mean how did you get on with your exams?
Now l worship the ground that is coming to her. We hope we have not let Mr. Brown down.
That's not a very nice thing to say . Miss Courtney!
No, but it's more sincere. Would you care for a sherry before you go?
You take my tip son, stay single. l'd be delighted.
l haven't much choice at the moment. Do sit down!
l can't afford to get married! lt takes me back... Here in the old office.
Still l've got Josephine. l expect you miss the hurly burly of the school life.
Who's Josephine? Yes l sleep nights now.
ls that your bit of crumpets? There we are.
No my siamese cat. Thank you.
My students will be all hard at it now . You know Miss Courtney, l didn't know you indulged.
Yeah, there's a lot of it about. l don't really, just an occasional sherry.
l was talking about their exam. Ready for another?
l shall miss them next term. Everyone got a drink?
Cheer up son. Yeah.
What you want is another drink. l just would like to say l wish you all every success. lt's been great
Yeah, good idea! teaching you and l shall miss you.
Yeah, this time l'll have a pint. You have been giving us much wisdom.
A penny for them! l am so sad.
l was just wondering how my students were getting on with their You are a vonderful teacher.
exams. Si, si.
l expect they'll be all right. We never forget our English teacher.
l hope so. Yes.
l won't know what to do with myself now that the term's over in the You are the nicest impelionist l have met.
evenings Professori, lt's been a real pleasure.
lt must get a bit lonely for you living on your own. Si, it won't be the same next time.
l don't live on my own exactly! l've got Josephine. We owe you big debto.
Yeah she's marvellous! l don't know what to do without her. She's Well cheers!
very affectionate! Every morning she wakes me up by nibbling in Cheers.
my ear. Good health.
That must be nice for you. l really must be going! l'm meeting my wife.
l didn't allow her in the bedroom at first. Just one moment before you go Mr Short. How do you think the
No? foreign students got on with their exams?
lt wasn't as clean as she might be. She used to sleep in the Terrible!
bathroom. How do you think you got on with your exams?
That sounds a bit uncomfortable. Fantastic!
No, she was quite happy on the floor. The answer to the question: ''What is a sentence?''
She must think a lot of you to put up with that. The chappie in the turban answered: ''A sentence is what you get
She does! Every evening when I come back home, she runs up to when you are sent to prison''.
me and rubs up all against my leg. The questions were being very easy to answer.
How erotic! To the question: ''What is the past participle of l write?'', the
She's Siamese. Spanish fellow answered, ''l have wrotten''.
Oh well that explains it. l answer everyting OK.
The trouble is like most Siamese she's inclined to be a bit The Chinese lady was writing backwards.
oversexed. Of course, l don't know how they answered the other questions
She sounds it. but if what l saw is anything to go by, then l shall be very surprised
l'm thinking of having her doctored. if any of them pass.
And l thought you were such a nice fellow. Goodbye Miss Courtney.
Pardon? l'm very proud of you all! l know you wouldn't let me down!
Nevermind. Shall we have another drink?
Where is Sid? Yes.
He's gone back to the school. That is if he can find his way back. Whose round is it?
Sid. Yours.
Yes Miss Courtney. Waiter! Oh dear.
You reek of drink. What are you doing with my wife?
l beg your pardon? Nothing, l just...
Drink. You stupid fool.
lf you insist. l'm terribly sorry.
l'll have a drop of your sherry. Let me buy you both a drink.
You had more than enough already. No, no, no please, please.
Have you finished? Have this one on me!
Yes please.