SpeechGeek Presents SpeechGeek

SpeechGeek Presents: H.I.larious, Volume 2

SpeechGeek ISBN 978-1-61387-044-0

Humor is a funny thing. (Pun intended.) A well-crafted quip can prove just as cutting as a nasty insult. Punch lines can shock and surprise us. There are jokes that not only make us guffaw but also make us think. When we can giggle at the absurdity of life, we feel a little bit better about the world. Sure, being moved to tears by a piece of drama can be a powerful experience. But being moved to laugh is just as meaningful. Humor is innately subjective. To create a performance that amuses a large and diverse audience is a difficult task. If youre reading this, youre likely up to the challenge. Our second collection of H.I.larious pieces picks up where the first left off. The scripts sample a wide range of humor and styles from witty and silly to off-beat and oddly dark. H.I.-larious, Vol. 2 is an anthology that embraces the diversity and uniqueness at the heart of comedy.

Corey Alderdice Editor and Publisher Email: thegeek@speechgeek.com

H.I.larious,Vol. 2

248 Arlington Park Dr. Hot Springs, AR 71901 (888) 742-2028

SpeechGeek is published up to four times per year: August, October, December, and April by Corey Alderdice, 248 Arlington Park Dr., Hot Springs, AR 71901. Special issues are also published from time to time.
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My Sister, Gothzilla
TIMMY.

by Matt Mills

(building a fort, to audience) Growing up, my sister was always kind of BECKY. TIMMY! TIMMY. a jerk. Like at school BECKY. (flashback, calling out) Hey everybody! Timmys favorite movieis Pretty in Pink! TIMMY. Stop it! Thats not true! Thats not even the best Molly Ringwald movie! BECKY. Sorry, correction. His favorite movie is Transformers. TIMMY. YOU TAKE THAT BACK! (end of flashback, to audience) Or with my parents DAD. (flashback) Son, your sister here tells me that you threw the neighbors cat into the lake. Now Im just wonderingwhy did you remove the cats legs before doing so? A legless cat cant swim thats just science. I mean, Im almost more appalled that you dont understand basic biology. Anyway, youre grounded for three years. Use that time to study some biology, Einstein. TIMMY. (to audience) The worst is when she would figure out I had a crush on a girl and then go talk to her BECKY. (flashback, calling out) Timmy doesnt even have any underparts! When hes naked he looks like a Ken doll! TIMMY. (to audience) So now Im building this here fort so that I can finally get away from my crazy goth(sees BECKY) Oh! Hi, Becky. (BECKY, glares at him, then breaks down his fort) TIMMY. Oh, come on. I was just building that! BECKY. Ill knock down every fort you ever build, you pimple stain! TIMMY. Thats not even a thing! BECKY. My boyfriends coming over in an hour to listen to Avenged Sevenfold and write poetry with me. If youre not out of here within ten minutes, I will staple your earlobes to the ceiling fan! TIMMY. (tauntingly placid) So how was your day? Good? BECKY. Die, pimple boy! TIMMY. I have clear skin, why do you keep CHAZZ. Hey,Timmy! TIMMY. Chazz, youve gotta stop breaking into my house. CHAZZ. Sorry, man. Im just having trouble breaking my addiction to sliding open windows.What was your sister yelling about? TIMMY. Something about stapling pimples to Avenged Sevenfold or something. CHAZZ. That girl is whack, yo. TIMMY. Please never say whack again. CHAZZ. Youve gotta get rid of her, man, like Im trying to do with my

addiction to sliding open windows. Yeah, I know, Chazz. How am I supposed to get rid of my sister, though? CHAZZ. (thinks) Ive got it! You tell her your family is moving.Then when you guys move, you give her the wrong address! TIMMY. Your plan involves our family moving and then lying to my sister about where were moving to? CHAZZ. Yeah, man! TIMMY. Why wouldnt we just lie to her and then not move? CHAZZ. Because this house is pretty whack, man.You guys need to move. TIMMY. All right, stop brainstorming, Chazz. I can think of some way to get rid of my awful sister. Hey, Ive got an idea Maybe I should (fake villain laugh) dispose of her! (laughs obnoxiously and CHAZZ joins him;TIMMY stops and thinks) Wait a minute CHAZZ. Dude, dont do it.Think about her children! TIMMY. She doesnt have any kids, Chazz; shes thirteen CHAZZ. Right. My bad. Go ahead and send her into exile. TIMMY. I mean I cant actually do it, right? CHAZZ. Timmy, she once lit you on fire and pushed you towards a gas station that was shut down due to a massive gas leak. I think shes earned it. TIMMY. But how would I even do it? Shes taller and stronger than me thanks to stupid puberty CHAZZ. Its pronounced Obama. TIMMY. So how could I get rid of her? CHAZZ. I think TIMMY. I should use her idiosyncrasies against her and poison her black nail polish so that it slowly seeps into her blood stream causing a painless yet conveniently untraceable death! Is that what you were gonna say?! CHAZZ. I was just gonna say you should order us some pizza TIMMY. Right. Pizza. Ill do that other thing in a second. (TIMMY goes off and makes the poison, putting it in a container of nail polish) BECKY. I thought I told you to scram! TIMMY. Oh, Becky.What a decade-appropriate use of the word scram. I was just bringing you this black nail polisyour favorite! I figured your boyfriend might want to put the applicator in his gauge piercing and paint your toenails the color of despair. BECKY. (skeptically) Thanks Now scram! TIMMY. Youve got it! Love my sis! Definitely not trying to poison her! CHAZZ. Do you think she bought it? TIMMY. I dont know. Itll probably take a while to (BECKY starts roaring and transforming like a giant Godzilla-like monster.) CHAZZ. Whats that? TIMMY. It sounds like Nickelback! (BECKY grows into a giant version of herself and roars down at everyone below.) TIMMY.

Boys Will Be Boys

by Matt Mills

DAD. MELISSA. DAD.

(MELISSA sleeps. Her alarm clock goes off; she wakes up and gets ready.) DAD. Good morning, son. MELISSA. Im still a girl, Dad. DAD. Oh, Jacob.You crack me up. MELISSA. My names Melissa DAD. Stop with that nonsense, Jacob. It was cute when you were two but so was pooping in the showerso, please, stop doing that as well. Get up! Youve got a big day ahead of you! Put your pads on because youve got football-lacrosse-golf-cky practice in twelve! MELISSA. Dad, thats not even a real thing! (thinks for a moment) Is it? As a member of the female population, I wouldnt even know! DAD. Jacob MELISSA. Listen, Dad, I know you always wanted a boy, but Im a girl. Im sorry, but thats just what happened. Im a girl, not a boy. DAD. Are you sure? MELISSA. Im pretty sure. I dont like sports, action movies, beef jerky, and I dont find it funny when you fart and close all the windows in the house. DAD. Well how else am I supposed to know what my farts smell like? MELISSA. Im begging youjust let me be a girl. Okay? DAD. Well, first of all, you have some offensive stereotypes about what each gender is supposed to like, but Ill let you be a girlif MELISSA. Why does there always have to be an if? Just leave me alone! All I want to do is go watch Love Actually with my friends like a normal girl! DAD. If you go through a series of the manliest tests known to man and fail them, I will go back to calling you Janet, or Regina, or whatever. MELISSA. My names Melissa! DAD. Right. Melissa. I will drop this whole boy thing and call you Melissathough thats kind of a stupid name. MELISSA. You picked it! DAD. Really? I dont think I did Unlessthe doctors overheard me talking about how stupid the name Melissa is MELISSA. What are the tests, Dad? DAD. Whoa, not so fast. If that were a test, you wouldve passed it because boy are boys antsy. They dont wait for anything! Espe cially uhyou know... MELISSA. (genuinely nave) What? DAD. Oh, thats right.Youre only twelve. Forget I said anything. If you intentionally fail these tests, I will ground you for the rest of summer! So dont try anything, mister! MELISSA. How will you know if I fail on purpose?

Oh, I know you, Regina. Melissa. Right. Melissa, or whatever. Now, the tests aresort of hard to explain. Let me just show you. MELISSA. You had tests prepared before this conversation started? DAD. What can I say? I love tests. MELISSA. All right, I guess well do the tests when I get back from school. DAD. Nope. This is more important. Lets go now. MELISSA. Wait.Why arent you at work? DAD. More important! Lets go! (DAD grabs her, and off they go.They arrive at an elementary school.) MELISSA. DAD. Dad, why are we at an elementary school? What do I have to do? What Im going to make you do is like Christmas to any boy your age. No, better than Christmas Its like Labor Day! For your first test, you must successfully insult and berate (pulls KID in front of him) this six-year-old. (KID smiles pleasantly back at her.) MELISSA. Im not gonna do that! DAD. Remembergrounded for summerhave to tryyou know, this whole test th MELISSA. Yeah, Ive got it. All right... (She goes to insult KID but pulls back.) Do I really have to do this? DAD. Oh, yes. A key to every boys growth is a healthy dose of verbal abuse. MELISSA. Thats not true. DAD. Youre not true! MELISSA. Okay, jeez. Fine. Ill give it a try. (to KID) Excuse meYou, little sir, smell likeumglue. And youyoudont even know algebra. (KID starts to look a little sad.) DAD. Really? You dont know algebra? Is that really what you just said? MELISSA. It is. DAD. Of course this kid doesnt know algebra. Look at him! Im surprised he knows how to breathe. Now really give it to him! Dont hold back! Really show him how much of a low-life he is! With that Spider-Man backpack, his little bowl haircut, and those stupid Velcro shoes MELISSA. Dad! DAD. Right. Sorry. Didnt mean to steal your show. MELISSA. Okay, here we go.Youkid (He looks back at her with puppy dog eyes.) You That kid over there told me youre bad at spelling. (He looks confused, and she gives up.) Well, I tried to do it, and hes not even crying so, look. I failed. Guess Im a girl. DAD. Youre not getting off that easy, you son of a dad. Hurl a few more this little idiots way, and then well figure out if youre a girl or a boy. MELISSA. Fine. (to KID) If you were an adult, I wouldnt even be friends with you. I(KID starts crying hysterically.) Oh! No, I didnt mean to

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Moonraker Finds a Prom Date by Matt Mills

MOONRAKER. (writing in diary) Dear diary DIARY. Really? MOONRAKER.What? DIARY. Must you always tell me your problems? You have an aquarium full of fish just dying to hear your stories. MOONRAKER.No, theyre just dying. Stop interrupting me! Ive almost started. DIARY. Oh, dear MOONRAKER.Dear diary, today my teacher told us (flashback) Class! Remember to get your prom date registered by TEACHER. the end of the week so that we can look through their medical records and laugh about all the weird stuff thats happened to them. Should be one heck of a good time! (MOONRAKER raises a hand.) Yes, Moonraker? MOONRAKER.What if we dont know who our date is because were too attractive and have a plethora of guys waiting to be our date? Note that not only am I attractive, but I also know the word plethora TEACHER. Good question, Moonraker. MOONRAKER.Thanks. I thought of it myself. TEACHER. Get your dates in by Friday, class, or you will be set on fire. Im kidding of course! Well just electrocute you. MOONRAKER. (to DIARY) Diary! Did you hear that?! DIARY. (sleeps, snoring obnoxiously, snaps awake) No, no I wasnt listening to that at all. I was just dreaming about being stored in a library where no one would ever bother me again. Paradise. MOONRAKER.Good thing you have me! Ill never leave you alone! DIARY. Oh, good grief. MOONRAKER.I have to find a prom date by Friday! DIARY. What about Stevie? MOONRAKER.I accidentally killed him in a shoveling accident.Who knew that you cant actually dig a hole all the way to China? DIARY. Everyone. MOONRAKER.Youre not helping! GERTHA. Hey,. Moonraker MOONRAKER. (stand-offish) Gertha. GERTHA. I hear you dont have a date for the prom. MOONRAKER. (reluctantly) Yes GERTHA. (laughs obnoxiously) Loser. MOONRAKER.You are! GERTHA. No. Im actually not. My boyfriend James is taking me and were gonna make out all over the place MOONRAKER.Uh huh.Yeah. Im sure James is real.Whatdoes he live in Canada? JAMES. Im right here! And Canadians are real people too, you know

MOONRAKER.Im sorry, James.Theyre really not.Waitis that you, Hot James? I meanregular JamesI definitely dont typically refer to you as Hot James, Hot James GERTHA. Hot James is so excited to go to prom with me he can hardly wait. Isnt that right James? SAY YES OR I WILL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN! JAMES. Yeah, totally excited. Its going to be a really fun, uhreally fun time. MOONRAKER.Jamesyoure likeat least a 7.3.Why are you going with Gertha? She doesnt even rate because her girth broke the scales. JAMES. Uh Im going with Gertha because she said that if I didnt she would find that nursing home my grandmothers staying at and GERTHA. Because he likes me! He said I remind him of Jennifer Aniston, before she gained all that weight. MOONRAKER.You remind me of Jennifer Aniston because it looks like you ate all your friends! GERTHA. I WILL LIGHT YOUR HAIR ON FIRE! ALI. Hi, James! GERTHA. James.You do not talk to her. JAMES. Of course, Gertha. I will not tell Ali that I miss her and imagine how her hair smells like laundry detergent and her eyes remind me of the outside of a steak. MOONRAKER.Youre not a very good poet, Hot James. ALI. How could you call me ugly after wed been dating for five whole days? Its like I love you doesnt even mean anything to you. JAMES. I didnt say it! Gertha sent it to you w GERTHA. (quieting JAMES) Ah-ah-I dont know what hes talking about. But you are ugly and smell like the outside of a steak. Mmmsteak (to MOONRAKER) Skip past the boring stuff! Im late for my DIARY. afternoon tea with Henry Bottleworth. MOONRAKER.Ugh, stop being so stupid and British! Okay, fine. (to audience) So, still needing a date to prom, I decided to be proactive and talk to some boys. And I bought some Proactive. ROB. Hi, my names Rob, with an O, and I like shooting guns and skate boarding on homeless shelters. MOONRAKER.Well, Rob, with an O, you are beautiful.What color is your hair? Chestnut? ROB. Oh, thats not hair. Its a growth from a fungus I contracted by eating the green stuff off potato chips. I lost my real hair when I was five and stuck my head in a charcoal grill. MOONRAKER. (calling out) Next! SHELDON. IImIWhat do you want from me? MOONRAKER.To go to prom, potentialito. SHELDON. W-w-whMOONRAKER.Potentially. Sorry, that was my bad. My Spanglish is not muy bueno. SHELDON. I-I-IYoulookMy mother wouldnt approve!

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Walkie Talkie Bob

JOSH. GIRL. JOSH. GIRL. JOSH. GIRL. BOB. JOSH. BOB. JOSH. BOB. JOSH. BOB. JOSH. BOB. JOSH. BOB. JOSH. BOB. JOSH. BOB. JOSH. BOB. BETHANY. JOSH. BOB. JOSH. BETHANY. JOSH.

by Matt Mills

(to audience) Hi! My names Josh, andIve never been very good at talkingtalking to girls. Especially, girls. What? I saiduhyou knowthat backpack you have onits uhyou make it lookyoure so skinny, that it, you knowit looksyou lookitlookingfat. I look fat?! No, I And you pointed out Im missing an eye! (cocks shotgun) (magically appears holding a microphone) Do you have trouble communicating with other people? What? WhuWho are you? Do you ever feel like you dont belong? Umrarely, I guess? Have you ever wished that a well-dressed man with smooth communication skills could talk to people for you? No Well, now your dream can come true! Hi, Im Bob, and Im here to change your life. Hi, Bob.Why do you have a microphone if its not connected to anything? Wow, you really are bad at talking to people! For only nineteen dollars and ninety-five cents a minute you can hire me, Bob Bobson, founder of Bob Bobson Incorporated, to talk to people for you! That sounds like a terrible offer, Bob. I invented human speech I dont think thats true. And for only a lot of money, you can hire me today! Umthanks, but no. No thanks. Im good. I see. So you must be pretty good at talking to girls then, huh? I You know, yeah. I can do, uh I can do, uh, things. I can do things with my voice and the words I say and using them andin such. Im fine. At it. Wow! You really are good at talking. Perhaps I can learn from you! Excuse me, miss? (points microphone in BETHANYS face) May I introduce you to my friend Josh here? Umokay. Hi. Im Bethany. I dont want to do this. Youre not off to a good start here, Josh. All right. Fine. (to BETHANY) Hi, Bethany. Im Josh. Whos this weird guy? Oh, see, I dont really know how to I dont even knowthat. I,

uhsee Are you on drugs? Oh! No I Your face is, um Are you calling me fat? (She pulls out a chainsaw and revs it.) Whoa! Hold on there beautiful! Before you chainsaw my friend in half, let me tell you that you are on a hidden reality show and you just won a date with me, Bob Bobson! BETHANY. Oh my gosh, I did? (jumps up and down excitedly) BOB. (jumping up and down excitedly) Yay! (non-chalantly) Ill call you. BETHANY. Bye, Bob! (winks seductively) JOSH. I thought you were supposed to help me get the girls? BOB. Not that one. She was pretty cute. So what do you sayam I hired? JOSH. No. BOB. Oh. Okay then I guess thats for the best. Ill just pack up and go home JOSH. Good. BOB. Ill get my things from your place in the morning Now Ill just leave you alone so you can continue being alone. Alone. (turns ) JOSH. Peruh Perfect. (BOB sobs ridiculously. JOSH rolls his eyes. BOB grow more intense until JOSH gives.) JOSH. Okay, fine! Ill give you a dollar a day. BOB. Sold to the boy with the tucked in t-shirt! BETHANY. JOSH. BETHANY. BOB.

(to audience) I brought Bob into school the next day andthingswerentYou knowthey couldve been more smooth. Smoother. TEACHER. Okay class, what did America do in 1776? Anyone? No one? Am I just standing up here rambling to myself? Does anyone care what I have to say? Has anybody considered that Im a human being that needs intellectual interaction too? Hm? How about you, Josh? (JOSH goes to speak but BOB speaks over him) BOB. What is,They declared their independence from China? TEACHER. Umfirst of all, this isnt Jeopardyyou dont need to answer in the form of a question. So you all need to stop doing that. Second, they declared independence from Britain, and thirdwho are you? BOB. Bob. And whats your name? MissGorgeous? (winks at her) JOSH. Im so sorry, Miss Flannerlin. Hes BOB. Whoa! Hold on there, sparky. Ive got this. (to TEACHER) What is a girl like you doing this Friday night? TEACHER. Excuse me? BOB. Sorry, I shouldve been clearer.What are you doing Friday night? Im trying to ask you out for my friend Josh here. JOSH. Oh, no BOB. Josh here Hes wide open Friday night. Free as a bird for you,. TEACHER. I am so BOB. What do you say you two lovebirds go to your nest and uhdangit.
JOSH.

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Stuart the Cowardly Cop by Matt Mills

(DRILL INSTRUCTOR walks down a line of police officer trainees.) DRLL. Gentlemen!You have gathered here in great city of Smellyville, Iowa, to be molded into the finest police officers this secretly radioactive town has ever seen! It is my job to mold you into that such thingness.Trainee Stuart! STUART. Yes, sir! DRLL. Show me how to assemble your firearm! STUART. Likewith my hands? DRLL. How else would you assemble your firearm, trainee? Do it now! STUART. Yes, sir! (STUART grabs various pieces and puts them together, then hands his creation to DRILL INSTRUCTOR.) STUART. There you go! What do you think? DRLL. What you have made here is a replica of the drill used in the Bruce Willis classic film Armageddon.What I asked for was a pistol! Now why couldnt you give me a pistol? STUART. Becauseguns are scary. DRLL. Because guns are scary? Trainee Stuart, are you out of your tiny mind? STUART. All right, all right! Guns arent scary. Ill make note of that. Appar ently its a rule here. No need to yell at me. DRLL. Dont you sass me, boy! Ill yell at you even more, which can be very unpleasant! STUART. Oh, I wasnt sassing. Ive never been very good at sassing, actually. See, my teachers DRLL. I dont care! Give me the motto, trainee! STUART. Give you the what, sir? DRLL. Recite the officers motto! Now! STUART. Oh. Uhwewe are officers! And we taste just likecheeseevery time we go to the gymwe get white stuff on our feet! DRLL. What in the name of Shaft was that? STUART. The motto? Sir? Or maybe that was from an athletes foot commercial. DRLL. Ive had enough! Stuart, you are an embarrassment to the uniform. You cant prep, you cant reciteyou probably wouldnt even know what to do if a perp draws a weapon! STUART. Apologize and go into the fetal position. DRLL. Youve got a lot to learn before the big leagues, Stuart! STUART. Sodoes that mean Im a police officer now? DRLL. Not even close.Try again next year, Stuart. STUART. Aw, dang it!

(He turns to leave, then turns back.) STUART. Can I just tell people Im a cop, or DRLL. LEAVE! (Transition to STUART walking down the street.) STUART. Man, Ive gotta be a police officer! That would be so cool with the shiny car and the pretty dog, but I guess Ive gotta start thinking like one first. CRAZY GUY. Hey, tuna fish! STUART. Hello, person I dont know who has a weird look in his eyes! CRAZY GUY. Im gonna gut you! STUART. (laughs) Youre a real gut-buster.You know that? You must be delightful at dinner parties! CRAZY GUY. Ill kidnap your family then rob a bank and give all the money to Congress! STUART. I love how you remain so energetic. Even at your age. CRAZY GUY. Can I borrow your eyeballs when youre done with them? STUART. You know what? I cant say no to you! But seriously, buddy, not right now, okay? Im hitting these streets trying to figure out how to be a cop. CRAZY GUY. I ate a cop once. STUART. Is that like a you are what you eat sort of thing? You telling me youre a cop? Man, that is so cool! Maybe you could help me find some potential criminals to stop because I have not found anyone that seems dangerous! Not at all! Man, I cannot find any suspects CRAZY GUY. Give me all your money! STUART. I dont need a private investigator, guy. I just need a mentor! CRAZY GUY. BENEDICT ARNOLD! STUART. Youre right. I need to do this on my own.Thanks for the help. Have a good one! CRAZY GUY. Lemon lizard toes dance in the winter. (STUART jubilantly walks down the street.) STUART. Theres got to be something suspicious around here (STUART stops dramatically) STUART. My god (OLD WOMAN stands placidly at the corner.) STUART. That old woman seems suspiciously unsuspicious Time to move! (walks forward) Excuse me, maam. OLDWOMAN. Yes? STUART. May I ask what youre doing here this evening? OLDWOMAN. Im trying to cross the street.Would you mind helping m STUART. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your horses there, mamacita. I couldnt help but notice you skipped that last light. If you were actually trying to cross the street, wouldnt you have done so already? OLDWOMAN. You see, Im very old and this road is very dangerous, so I was hoping that someone might be kind enough to help me cross the

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