# 2006 University of South Africa All rights reserved Printed and published by the University of South Africa Muckleneuk,

Pretoria MGG201W/1/20072009 98059386 3B2

A4 6pica style

(iii)

MGG201W/1/20072009

Contents

Theme UNDERSTANDING COUPLES Introduction 1 The tripod of couple relationships 1.1 Passionate attraction 1.1.1 Love (a) Actions speak louder than verbal promises of love and devotion (b) Love requires a reciprocal investment from both parties (c) Love needs management (d) The goal is to be just reasonably content 1.2 Mutual expectations 1.2.1 Myths 1.2.2 Expectations about roles and responsibilities 1.2.3 Expectations about life events 1.3 Personal intentions 1.4 Individual differences and their impact on the couple relationship 1.5 Gender differences 1.5.1 Similarities 1.5.2 Physiological differences 1.5.3 Differences in communication styles and patterns of emotional expression 1.5.4 Perceptions of rules/roles for the relationship 1.6 The effects of ethnicity and culture 1.6.1 Definition of a family 1.6.2 Formation of values 1.6.3 Culture and family life cycle transitions 1.6.4 Cultural practices change with time 1.6.5 Cross-cultural unions 1.7 Becoming a couple 1.7.1 Couple formation 1.7.2 Characteristics of healthy couples SUMMARY 2 CHANGES THAT COUPLES GO THROUGH: PSYCHOLOGICAL TASKS AND FAMILY LIFE CYCLE DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES Introduction 2.1 Psychological tasks of couples in long-term relationships 2.1.1 Consolidating psychological separation and establishing new connections with the family of origin 2.1.2 Building togetherness and creating autonomy 1

Page 1 1 3 3 4 5 6 6 7 7 8 11 11 12 13 13 13 14 15 16 18 20 20 21 21 22 23 25 26 28 31 31 34 34 34

(iv) Theme 2.1.3 2.1.4 2.1.5 2.1.6 2.1.7 Establishing a sexual identity Establishing the relationship as a zone of safety and nurturance Negotiating parenthood Building a relationship that is fun and interesting Maintaining a dual vision of each other that combines early idealisation with reality perception Page 35 36 36 37 38 38 39 41 41 41 41 44 44 45 45 46 47 48 48 49 49 50 52 53 54 55 55 57 59 60 60 61 62 64 64 66 66 67 69

2.2 The family life cycle 2.2.1 Different family life cycle theories 2.2.2 Stressors 2.2.2.1 Vertical stressors 2.2.2.2 Horizontal stressors 2.2.2.3 System-level stressors 2.2.3 Carter and McGoldrick's family life cycle model 2.2.3.1 Stage 1: the unattached young adult (a) Key principle of the emotional transition of the unattached adult (b) Second-order changes that have to be accomplished (c) Clinical considerations (d) A locally specific perspective 2.2.3.2 Stage 2: the joining of families through marriage (a) Key principle of the emotional transition of the new couple (b) Second-order changes that have to be accomplished (c) Issues in marital adjustment (d) Clinical considerations (e) A locally specific perspective (f) Clinical interventions 2.2.3.3 Stage 3: families with young children (a) Key principle of the emotional transition of families with young children (b) Second-order changes that have to be accomplished (c) Clinical considerations (d) A locally specific perspective 2.2.3.4 Stage 4: families with adolescents (a) Key principle of the emotional transition of families with adolescents (b) Second-order changes that have to be accomplished (c) Clinical considerations (d) A locally specific perspective (e) Clinical interventions 2.2.3.5 Launching children and moving on (a) Key principle of the emotional transition of launching children and moving on (b) Second-order changes that have to be accomplished (c) A locally specific perspective

(v) Theme

MGG201W/1 Page

2.2.3.6 Families in later life (a) Key principle of the emotional transition of families in later life (b) Second-order changes that have to be accomplished (c) Clinical interventions 2.2.4 The systemic importance of rituals in family life 2.2.5 Significant aspects of the family life cycle that impact on work with couples and families SUMMARY 3 POPULAR THEORIES USED IN COUPLES COUNSELLING Introduction 3.1 The psychodynamic approaches 3.1.1 Orthodox analysis (a) The id (b) The ego (c) The superego (d) Defence mechanisms (e) Psychoanalysis and couples counselling 3.1.2 Object-relations theory 3.1.3 Transactional analysis (a) The parent ego state (b) The child ego state (c) Stroking and life scripts (d) Transactions 3.1.4 Shared premises of the psychodynamic approaches 3.1.5 Basic concepts (a) The therapeutic alliance (b) Interpretation (c) Transference (d) Counter transference (e) Resistance 3.1.6 Critique of the psychodynamic approaches 3.2 The cognitive behavioural approach Introduction 3.2.1 Assumptions on which it is based (a) Positive reinforcement (b) Reciprocity (c) Extinction (d) Coercion (e) Unresolved conflict (f) Observable behaviour (g) Cognitive components of behaviour

70 70 71 73 74 76 80 82 82 83 83 83 84 84 84 86 86 88 89 90 90 91 92 93 93 93 93 94 94 94 95 95 96 96 96 96 97 97 97 98

(vi) Theme 3.2.2 Theoretical concepts (a) Assessment, monitoring and evaluation (b) The therapeutic relationship 3.2.3 Treatment techniques (a) Communication training (b) Modelling (c) Rehearsal (d) Reinforcement and feedback (e) Homework tasks (f) Behavioural exchange practice 3.2.4 Critique of the cognitive behavioural approach 3.3 The person-centred approach to couples counselling Introduction 3.3.1 The core conditions of the person-centred approach (a) Unconditional positive regard (b) Empathic understanding (c) Congruence (d) Reliance on the couple's personal power 3.3.2 Assumptions on which the approach was developed 3.3.3 Applying the person-centred approach to work with couples 3.3.4 Critique of the person-centred approach 3.4 An Afrocentric perspective on helping Introduction 3.4.1 The philosophical basis of the Afrocentric perspective (a) The macro-cosmos (b) The meso-cosmos (c) The micro-cosmos 3.4.2 Important considerations when working according to a traditional Afrocentric perspective 3.4.3 Traditional helping 3.4.4 Western versus traditional therapy 3.5 Systems theories 3.5.1 Structural therapy Introduction 3.5.1.1 Key terms and definitions (a) Homeostasis (b) Alignment (c) Boundaries (d) Enmeshment (e) Disengagement 3.5.1.2 Some premises of structural therapy 3.5.1.3 Therapeutic skills (a) Joining (b) Focusing (c) Enactment Page 99 99 99 100 100 100 101 101 101 102 102 104 104 104 105 105 106 106 106 108 109 110 110 111 111 112 112 113 114 115 116 116 116 117 117 118 118 118 119 119 120 120 121 121

(vii) Theme (d) Structural moves or restructuring (e) Complementarity 3.5.2 Strategic therapy Introduction 3.5.2.1 Premises on which strategic therapy is based 3.5.2.2 Theoretical concepts of the strategic approach (a) Symptoms (b) Metaphors (c) Power (d) Sequences of interactions (e) Reframing (f) The directive (g) Paradoxical techniques 3.5.3 3.5.4 3.5.5 SUMMARY 4 COUPLES COUNSELLING Introduction 4.1 The continuum of counselling care offered to couples 4.1.1 Marriage guidance 4.1.2 Premarital counselling 4.1.3 Marriage enrichment 4.2 Definitions of couples or marriage counselling 4.2.1 The characteristics of couples counselling 4.3 Divorce counselling 4.4 Divorce mediation 4.4.1 The structure of divorce mediation 4.5 The purpose of couples counselling 4.6 The counselling relationship 4.6.1 The meaning of a professional counselling relationship 4.6.2 The core conditions of the helping relationship (a) Unconditional positive regard (b) The genuineness of the helper (c) Empathic understanding 4.6.3 The role of the helper 4.6.4 Values and couples counselling (a) Respect (b) Individualisation (c) Self-determination (d) Confidentiality 4.6.5 So what happens in couples counselling?

MGG201W/1 Page 121 122 122 122 123 124 124 124 124 124 125 125 126 127 127 128 135 139 139 140 141 142 144 145 146 147 150 151 153 154 155 155 155 156 156 157 158 161 161 162 164 165

The similarities of structural and strategic therapies The differences between structural and strategic family therapies A systemic assessment of the family

(viii) Theme 4.7 An integrative model for couples counselling Introduction 4.7.1 Key concepts 4.7.2 Common threads of theories for work with couples (a) A circular model of causation (b) Circular questioning (c) Blame is not a useful concept (d) The helper's neutrality (e) Assessment is a crucial first activity (f) The couple must form a team (g) Both feelings and behaviours need to be changed (h) Couples must learn maintenance tasks (i) Couples must develop solvable problems (j) The helper fosters hope SUMMARY 5 THE COUNSELLING PROCESS Introduction 5.1 Stage one: making contact with the helper 5.2 Stage two: assessment ``We have a problem'' 5.2.1 Assessment tools 5.2.1.1 Questions (a) Starting a dialogue about the problem (b) Collecting information about the developmental history of the relationship (c) Developing an operationalised definition of the problem (d) Developing an alternative meaning of what is really going on (e) Developing an appraisal of the couple's strengths 5.2.1.2 Assessment aids (a) The genogram (b) Structured assessment tools (c) Observation of interactional patterns (d) Developing an interactional definition of the problem 5.3 Stage 5.3.1 5.3.2 5.3.3 three: goal setting Externalising the problem Deciding which problems should be addressed first Setting behavioural and affective goals 5.3.3.1 The cognitive component of goal setting 5.3.3.2 The behavioural component of goal setting 5.3.3.3 The emotional or affective component of goal setting Page 166 166 167 168 168 169 169 170 170 172 173 174 175 175 175 177 177 178 180 182 182 182 183 183 184 186 186 186 191 195 196 199 199 200 204 205 205 205 208 208

5.4 Stage four: interventions ``We have a solvable problem'' 5.4.1 Identifying strengths

(ix) Theme 5.4.2 Designing interventions 5.4.2.1 Communication (a) Four horsemen of the Apocalypse (Gottman, 1998:68102) (b) The A B C and D of communication (Keech, 1993:106134) 5.5 Stage five: maintenance We have a solution 5.5.1 Challenging commitment 5.5.2 Identifying roadblocks and pitfalls 5.6 Stage six: validation There is no problem 5.6.1 Getting stuck SUMMARY BIBLIOGRAPHY

MGG201W/1 Page 208 209 209 211 223 223 224 225 225 225 228

MGG201W/1

THEME ONE

Understanding couples
``We can orbit the earth, we can touch the moon, but this society has not devised a way for two people to live together in harmony for seven straight days without wanting to strangle each other''
(George Leonard as quoted in Buscaglia, 1982:159)

OBJECTIVES Upon completion of this chapter, you will be able to: . explain the difference between love and affection . list and describe the three elements of the relationship tripod: physical attraction mutual expectations personal intentions . discuss one cognitive behaviourist construction of love . describe the characteristics of: a couple system the effects of individual differences the effects of gender . list the characteristics of a happy couple's relationship

INTRODUCTION
Intimacy is one of our fundamental needs and the source of much of our well being. Intimacy involves love, affection, caring, and deep attachment to another person. Lauer and Lauer (1994) remind us that the quest for intimacy occurs in particular social contexts, and that if we want to work with couples who are experiencing relationship difficulties, we need to learn how to examine and understand the most probable contexts of these relationships. As a couple counsellor I like to try to understand the couples I work with according to each individual's developmental life phase, their sense of belonging to a particular culture or ethnic group, their gender, their developmental stage according to the family life cycle and the nature of the environmental threats and opportunities that impact on them. It is impossible to provide a comprehensive overview of

2 each of these contexts in a manual such as this. You are required to pursue your own research into these should you wish to follow a career in this field.

ACTIVITY
With the influence of mass media, people seem to have developed misconceptions about intimacy, love and commitment. Choose a magazine and/or a television serial and imagine that you are an alien from outer space who has been sent to earth to research intimate relationships. From your investigation, list your conclusions about modern intimate relationships.

FEEDBACK
Perhaps your conclusions are that infidelity is the norm, that people typically experience several relationships and marriages in a lifetime, that relationships are characterised by much sexual activity with different partners and that verbal abuse between partners is prolific. You may even conclude that only wealthy and beautiful people are entitled to love and intimacy. Such programmes are likely to generate misunderstandings concerning marriage and intimate relationships. They create unrealistic expectations, especially for those who have never had the privilege of witnessing meaningful intimate relationships in their early lives. Many people are born into relationships that are characterised by conflict and violence. Misconceptions, such as those highlighted, have an overriding impact on people's perceptions, hopes and expectations on entering intimate relationships. These faulty perceptions generate conflict and unhappiness between partners.

The study of intimate couple relationships is fascinating. The couple is a unique relationship. As Young and Long (1998:4) point out, ``in a couple, one can find the deepest experience of intimacy in life of friendship and comfort as well as betrayal and the greatest possible hurt''. Patterns of intimate relationships seem to change over time. Lauer and Lauer (1994) note that in recent years there has been an increase in premarital sex, out-of-wedlock births, the number of people living alone, the number of people cohabiting, the proportion of mothers who work, and divorce. This millennium has introduced the legal recognition of same sex unions in some countries. The human immunodeficiency virus and acquired immunodeficiency syndrome (HIV/Aids) have also impacted on intimate relationships, wreaking havoc with family structures. Abstinence and faithfulness are advocated, more than ever before, as necessary preventative measures to curb the disease. One thing that has not changed yet, however, is that many people still believe that being in a long-term, monogamous relationship offers rewards for those who achieve it. For this reason professionals in the helping professions should do all they can to try to understand couple relationships and find effective measures to help strengthen them.

MGG201W/1

It needs to be said that intimacy needs can be fulfilled in diverse ways and, as we can see in South African society, diverse kinds of couple and family units can be formed. I shall try not to use the term ``marriage'', but if I do, you should note that I am referring to long-term intimate relationships, rather than the legal union between the members of a couple, unless I specifically refer to the legal interpretation. The term ``intimate couple'', according to my frame of reference, includes couples who are married, those who cohabit, those who are involved but are geographically separated, and same-sex pairs. The salient indicators are that as intimate couples their relationships are long-term; the parties involved assume that they are committed to one another; the partners look firstly to one another to fulfil their needs for intimacy; their relationships usually begin with heightened attraction and romantic love; their couple system has its own boundaries.

1 THE TRIPOD OF COUPLE RELATIONSHIPS

Ruth Keech (1993), a well-known South African marriage counsellor and life skills educator, suggests that intimate relationships consists of three factors that form a tripod on which the relationship rests. The three factors are: . passionate attraction . mutual expectations . personal intentions

1.1 PASSIONATE ATTRACTION

An individual suddenly finds himself or herself experiencing intensely pleasurable sensations when thinking about or being with the new partner. Blushing, trembling, stammering and breathlessness are some of the common physical symptoms. ``To hear, to touch, to feast one's eyes upon the other is the height of pleasure'' (Keech 1993:13). Sexual desire seems to run high and there are apparently shared beliefs and attitudes. What acts as the attracting magnet is unclear. This kind of attraction is commonly referred to as infatuation and tends to be a passing love which may not even be known to the other person. The South African Oxford School Dictionary (2003:228) defines infatuation as ``a foolish and unreasoning love''. This definition indicates that it is not typically a realistic or accurate appraisal of the relationship, and Keech (1984:106) mentions that ``the only way we can tell if our feelings are infatuation or love is by coming to know the person really well and finding out whether he (or she) is really as we imagine him (or her) to be''. Muller (2002) refers to infatuation as idealisation. She makes it quite clear that this is a normal phase in the process of relationships. ``Negatives or flaws appearing in the idealised beloved may be intellectually recognised, but are disregarded or rationalised as endear-

4 ingly special'' (Sharpe, 2000:127). The person chooses to ignore the negatives and/or convinces himself or herself that the beloved will change with time. We can conclude that while infatuation in some instances leads to a lasting relationship, it mostly fades away. Relationships based on infatuation alone are therefore usually doomed to fail. While working as marriage counsellors we identified cases of infatuation by the following kinds of sentiments expressed during their sessions: I love my wife, but she needs to change her ways and care more for us and less for others. I love Sipho but if only he would realise that one needs to be competitive in this world and strive for bigger and better things. Aruna is great I love her because she's so gorgeous to look at, and she stands out in a crowd. I just wish that she would spend more time on developing her intellect and less on her appearance. In these examples one cannot be sure whether the speakers are in love with their partners or their own ideas of what they want them to be. This forces us to ask, ``What is love?''

1.1.1 Love
Love involves physical attraction, but it is far deeper and more mysterious. Even those who find themselves in very satisfying relationships may ask, ``How do I know if this is the right partner for me?'' Love encompasses all three legs of the tripod: physical attraction, mutual expectations and personal intentions. People are not born with an instinct that tells them how to show love to their partners. They rely mostly on their life experiences to guide them to their own unique ways of demonstrating love. A woman may believe that she is showing her husband love by allowing him to make all the important decisions, because that was what they did in her family. Her husband, on the other hand, becomes frustrated and assumes that she is not interested in taking responsibility for any decision making in their relationship. He interprets her behaviour as lack of involvement, based on his earlier experiences. Keech (1984:104) uses Eric Fromm, a philosopher and psychologist, to provide a definition of love. He said: ``Love is active concern for the life and growth of the person we love''. This definition suggests that love is a deep, unselfish, caring that involves a deep respect for the one who is loved.

ACTIVITY
Compile your own definition of love. Consult four texts of your choice, religious and psychological. List each definition of love and its source. Synthesise the definitions into one, adapting the wording to reflect your own interpretation of what love is.

MGG201W/1

Keech (1984:106) included in her book Education for living a poem that was written by a teenage girl and, in my opinion, successfully highlights the contrast between mature and immature love. Immature love versus mature love I need you Beside me At all times To agree with Understand Forgive Praise Care for and Entertain me to give my life its meaning I love you To grow at my side. Your needs Are as vital as mine. The meaning and joy You give to my life Are a bonus I rejoice in. It can vanish at any time though I trust that it will not.

Source: Keech, R. 1984. Education for living: a programme for developing self knowledge and personal relationships, pp 106107. Johannesburg: Divaris Stein.

One of the most impressive books about love that I read while working as a marriage counsellor was written by Paul Hauck (1983).

HAUCK'S BASIC PRINCIPLES ABOUT LOVE

. It is not the person you love, but rather what he or she does for you. . Just like any business relationship, you have to invest in the relationship so as to benefit from its rewards. . Love is like a business partnership it needs management. . The goal in the relationship is to be just reasonably content.

(a) Actions speak louder than verbal promises of love and devotion
In other words, in a relationship, if your partner fulfils your needs, or at least recognises that it is important for you to find time and space to fulfil your needs, you are likely to feel positively towards him or her. Thembeka has always wanted to be a teacher. She is married, and Vusi her husband doesn't earn much, but he realises that she needs to achieve her dream. He encourages her to go back to school to study so that she will qualify to enrol for a diploma in teaching. Or, Thirusha realises that Gansin needs positive affirmation because he is in a job where he has lost his confidence. She makes a point of challenging his negative self-talk and praises him for the things that he does really well. Slowly, she helps to build up his self-confidence.

6 The problematic reality is that, with time, people change and so do their needs. Perhaps this explains why some couples fall out of love with one another. Couples need to consciously review one another's needs and work towards helping one another to have their needs fulfilled. This becomes complicated because often people confuse their wants with their needs. Hannes and Susan are struggling financially and Hannes decides to use the children's tertiary education savings to go on a fishing trip with his friends to Lake Kariba. He says that he needs time out from their problems to ``find himself'' again. It seems to me that this is what Hannes wants, not what he needs, because he fails to consider the bigger picture: his and his family's long-term needs.

(b) Love requires a reciprocal investment from both parties

s such as ``loves requires give and take'', ``it has to We often hear cliche be a fifty: fifty affair''. If only relationships were that simple. It is difficult to ensure that partners invest equally in relationships. For example, not every person has the same capacity for showing affection. If we expect each person in the relationship to initiate affection equally, we will be disappointed. The goal should be for each person to make an investment in the relationship that he or she is capable of making and which fulfils the partner's need. The partner should reciprocate by making positive attempts to satisfy some of the other person's needs, too. Both should be required to contribute positive actions and/or make some sacrifices in their relationship. Their actions need not be the same actions. Rather, one expects their efforts in the relationship will be reciprocal and reasonably equitable. I am sure you have seen relationships where one partner takes advantage of the other. Eventually the process of giving without receiving anything in return results in the person falling out of love. In the same way, if one is part of a relationship in which one is not required to invest, one becomes quickly bored and one may abuse one's partner's kindness. People need to be in touch with what their individual needs are, and to identify whether their partners have the capacity to fulfil these needs.

(c) Love needs management

Because each person is unique, and sees things from his or her own perspective, when in a committed relationship the couple have to develop explicit rules to ensure that the relationship remains mutually satisfying. These rules are often linked to values such as the amount of independence that each should be allowed in their relationship, or how much money should be spent or saved, or the kinds of leisure-time activities that they should participate in, or the nature of their communication, or the frequency of contact with the extended family, or even which religious practices are permissible in the home. They may also pertain to how responsibilities should be allocated and, as suggested by Keech (1993), these may be decided by the following principles: who is talented enough to do the task; the regular traditional prescriptions regarding the allocation of the task; who has the time to undertake the task. She

MGG201W/1

suggests that in some situations the couple may decide to take turns to do the tasks, or where there is an imbalance of power, one may just be told by the other to do it. The members of an intimate partnership need to work out ways to resolve conflicts, make mutually satisfying decisions, and just like companies that employ people arrange for incentives such as holidays, bonuses and commendations to acknowledge their members.

(d) The goal is to be just reasonably content

As indicated in the preceding section, relationships are complicated and demanding. In view of this the goal for couples should be ``to be just reasonably content''. This suggests that each should take stock of the partner's strengths and weaknesses and weigh these up to see if they can be tolerated without resentment. Each couple has to work towards developing a greater acceptance of each other so that the relationship will be recognised for its merits. To remain in an unsatisfying relationship will result in one or both partners falling out of love, or one or both partners becoming neurotic, or so psychologically stressed that the stress will manifest in some psychosomatic or physical illness.

ACTIVITY
List the ways that you show love, or think you should show love to your partner. What or who has influenced you to display your love for your partner in this way? If you are in a serious relationship, identify the ways that your partner demonstrates his or her love to you. Would you consider the personal intentions or investments between you and your partner to be reciprocal? How can couples be more explicit about their expectations in their relationships? Can you think of what prevents them from doing this?

FEEDBACK
I hope that by now you recognise that, whereas passionate attraction tends to be the first leg of relationships, expectations and intentions have the greatest effect on what happens thereafter. It is daunting to discover that many couples fail to discuss what their needs are in relationships and therefore fail to work at trying to make them satisfying. They expect their partners to know automatically what they want and need. Even when they argue, they seldom try to analyse what the unsymbolised issues are that started the disagreements in the first place.

1.2 MUTUAL EXPECTATIONS

The heat of passionate attraction creates a group of mutual expectations. Some of these expectations may be unrealistic, and as a result cause

8 conflict within the relationship. This is not surprising because it is very difficult for people to know automatically what their partners need and want from relationships. People are all surrounded by their own personal worlds of meaning, and if they want their relationships to survive, they have to explicitly state what they want and need. If they do not do this, their relationship will not progress beyond the passionate attraction stage.

1.2.1 Myths
Some common expectations revealed to couples counsellors during counselling are: . A partner should demonstrate sympathy to the person whenever he or she is upset. . A partner should always be willing to express his or her innermost thoughts and feelings at all times. . A partner should be loyal by automatically siding with the person when he or she has been in an argument with others. . A partner should always want do things with the person, devoting time and attention to the relationship. . A partner should choose the person above all others at all times. . A partner should allow the person to continue to take part in all the activities that he or she was involved in before the relationship began. Often couples have unrealistic expectations of not only their partners, but also themselves and their relationships. They begin their relationships with sets of expectations that they introjected from their own families of origin, from society and from the media. These expectations may not be relevant to the relationships they find themselves in. People are different and the social contexts they find themselves in are different. When expectations are introjected, they tend to be unrealistic and we refer to them as relationship myths. These frequently generate tension in relationships. One expects mature adults to examine the usefulness and relevance of these expectations. Couples who confront myths early in their relationships have a better chance of making wise decisions about their intimate parterships. Common myths couple counsellors have identified (Young & Long, 1998:8): . If we love each other we should be happy at all times The reality is that personal happiness is created by the individual and is not a gift that he or she can expect to be given by a partner. Love and attraction are not always sufficient to overcome difficulties in relationships. Issues such as differing values, or troublesome extended family members, do not disappear because the couple love one another. Unresolved issues quickly erode love.

MGG201W/1

. We should always be completely honest with each other, regardless of the impact on our partners The reality is that in all relationships it is essential to ensure that the parties involved feel respected at all times. Subtlety and tact are requirements of all relationships. Furthermore, there may be times when people make mistakes. Good does not always come from revealing mistakes made in the past. I found that when working with people who had committed adultery, they were often torn between trying to be honest with their betrayed partner about the details of the affair, and realised that this honesty was likely to exacerbate their partners' pain. Often the best thing for them to do was to remain silent and avoid answering all of their partner's questions. Many considered the details of their affair irrelevant because they had made their decision to stay with their partner rather than their lover. They wanted to close the door on their indiscreet behaviour and concentrate on rebuilding their marriage. . We should want to be together all the time and be unselfish with our time The reality is that people who do everything together are likely to become bored. No one can fulfil all of a partner's needs. Often it is the couple's differences that attract them to each other in the first place. It is usually necessary for each partner to pursue some interests on his or her own and achieve personal happiness as an individual, rather than rely solely on the partner. Couples who forfeit all friendships, hobbies or leisure time activities in order to spend more time with their partners end up finding their relationships unfulfilling and, worse still, have nothing and no one to fall back on when these relationships end. . We should agree on every issue in order to support each other The reality is that there is synergy in diversity, and synergy is more exciting and creative than constant agreement. Synergy introduces positive energy into a relationship as the diversity of the couple is embraced to generate an exciting energy in the relationship. Disagreements in relationships are normal. It is not the disagreements that are the real problem, but rather the manner in which the couple deal with the disagreements. . If we have a problem we must decide who is to blame The truth of the matter is that there is more than one reality in a conflictual situation and therefore it is unproductive to analyse situations in terms of who is right and who is wrong. This linear thinking prevents couples from finding mutually beneficial solutions. It is more productive to analyse what each person's interests are behind the position that they take and then work towards developing mutually satisfying solutions, rather than try to prove who is at fault. . We know what the other is thinking, so we do not need to communicate The reality is that no one is born a mind-reader and we can never

10 assume that we know how people think or what they need, even if we have been in a relationship for a long time. People are the world's greatest authorities on themselves. The only way we can find out about them is for us to create safe relationships where they feel free to tell us about what they want, what their dreams are, what they fear, and what they need. This reminds me of a woman who married a man who kept on forgetting her birthday. She found that she was never disappointed if she started reminding him several weeks before the time. He appreciated this as it meant that he no longer had to put up with her sulking about his forgetting. . Good relationships just happen and do not need to be worked on or re-evaluated The reality is that relationships require more hard work and dedication than any other institution that a person will ever belong to in their lifetime. No two people think alike and so there are multiple possibilities and expectations. These often lead to conflict and disappointments. Finding solutions for mutual gain requires patience, a willingness to compromise and dedication. Adapting to another is not a state, but an ongoing process. . If we create joint activities we will be close forever The reality is that relationships require more than shared activities. Couples benefit from operating at a deeper level, such as sharing their aspirations with each other, clarifying their values on important issues, providing each other with opportunities for personal growth and negotiating conflict successfully. . We do not need friends or family as long as we have each other The reality is that couples who intend to allow their relationship to grow cannot have ``closed'' boundaries. The support from the wider community helps to create a safety net that strengthens the couple as they cope with the life crises that no one escapes.

ACTIVITY
Reread this section and consider whether you have any of these unrealistic expectations about love. Are there any other common misconceptions that should be added to the list? Which of these myths would you consider most damaging to the kind of intimate relationship that you expect to have? Do you think that your culture might influence your expectations in a relationship? How?

FEEDBACK
Although some of these expectations seem unrealistic, we cannot just instruct people to ignore them and ``wake up to the real world''. These expectations stem

11

MGG201W/1

from their needs, and they will continue to behave in certain ways to ensure that some of these needs will be met. When partners make their expectations of love explicit, they start to examine the needs on which their expectations are based. This is the first emotionally mature step that they take that enables them to start exploring ways to develop mutually satisfying solutions to their differences.

1.2.2 Expectations about roles and responsibilities

Sharpe (2000) on the theme of expectations in relationships states that couples not only have expectations about love, but also expectations about roles and responsibilities. Traditionally, cultures defined, prescribed, and allocated non-negotiable rules and duties to couples, often according to gender. The duties of the husband were to provide for and maintain his family. As head of the family, he made decisions and took responsibility for them. In return he would expect that his sexual needs and pleasures would be satisfied by his wife, who would also be the home-maker and the primary nurturer of his children. The relationship between the head of the household and the children was based on authority and discipline. Usually, the wife was expected to participate in community networks. Today there is much more freedom and roles are more likely to be defined according to personal choice. Women are more active in the open labour market and as a result expect more assistance from their partners in the home. Fathers and children enjoy a more open and expressive relationship. Some believe that these changes towards egalitarian relationships have increased their fulfilment and satisfaction in their personal relationships. Clearly, the modern relationship allows the couple to ``give and accept affection in an unconditional way, to accept the full range of feelings toward each other, to appreciate common interest and differences, to affirm each other's uniqueness, and to see each other as having equal status in the relationship'' (Hunt, Hof & DeMaria, 1998:17). Others believe that modern relationships are too fickle and the poor role descriptions exacerbate conflict and animosity within them. Individuals embarking on a long-term relationship should be emotionally mature enough to understand what they want and need in a relationship and should negotiate these needs constantly.

1.2.3 Expectations about life events

When partners commit to one another, they do not always make their ideas of a perfect life explicit to each other. Because they often do not know what they want, they fail to discuss their hopes and dreams early in their relationship and end up fighting about these only after their relationship has become a lasting one. In contrast to not talking about issues before they happen, some may eagerly take it for granted that their life together will unfold according to sequential stages of the family life cycle. They are inadequately prepared for life's surprises and may be

12 shocked to discover that some of life wishes, such as having children of their own, will never be met because of a partner being sterile. Both scenarios may seriously destabilise a relationship. People's expectations may also not match up to reality. As a result, they are inadequately prepared for the problems that lie ahead. For example, parenting may be found to be far more demanding than both parties anticipated when making the decision to extend their family. They may have underestimated how difficult it is to devote time, energy and effort to caring for a child while simultaneously trying to satisfy the needs of a spouse and an employer. We will elaborate on the impact of typical family life transitions in the next chapter. The point being made is that once a couple systematise their relationship, their expectations of one another not only seem to increase, but also to clash. Romantic myths, different family of origin lifestyles, cultural differences, different values and inadequate initial knowledge of one another make it very difficult for partners to agree on all issues. Sadly, too many couples who recognise that their expectations of a relationship will not be met, decide to move on and look for love elsewhere. In contrast, however, there are those who love seriously and make a point of attempting to resolve their differences.

1.3 PERSONAL INTENTIONS

Keech (1993) describes these as the converse of expectations. Personal intentions are the individual's decisions, both deliberate and unconscious, about how he or she should behave as a loving partner. Hauck (1983) said that it is not so much the people we love but what they do for us that makes us love them. He proposed that implicit in happy relationships are positive intentions that partners have to motivate themselves to do things for their partner (or create space for their partner to do things) that make them happy. Most partners have good intentions but, all too often, the promises they make in the heat of passion are not fulfilled. Firstly, people can seldom anticipate how they will react in certain situations under specific pressures. People who value being the breadwinner of the family are likely to behave very differently when they find that they are retrenched and reliant on their partner. Somebody who learns that their long-term partner is HIV positive will treat them very differently once they find out their partner's status, especially if they know that they have always been faithful during the relationship. Secondly, the reason why partners do not fulfil one another's needs is, as explained by Keech (1993:17), that ``what one partner sees as a deed of love is not often seen as such by the partner''. Expensive gifts, sentimental cards, constant SMSs, sparing a partner stress from finding out about financial problems, working overtime in order to provide well for a partner, may be regarded by that partner as unnecessary or even undesirable. This reminds me of a man who had experienced severe deprivation and suffering in a prisoner-of-war camp as a young man. Once married, he

13

MGG201W/1

worked very hard to provide for his wife's material needs, often buying her expensive pieces of jewellery. She was totally disillusioned in their relationship because she found him to be emotionally closed, excepting when he vented his anger on her. She needed emotional support and affection. The man regarded his wife's requests for affection as trivial and childish. He believed that his gifts of jewellery were evidence of his love. As a prisoner of war, he had become aware of how gold could be used to save a person's life. He felt that the best way to show his wife his love was to do everything possible to safeguard her financial security. He was prepared to work himself almost to death to ensure that she wanted for nothing materially. It is necessary for the survival of relationships for partners to stop and consider the ways in which their partners would like them to show love.

1.4 INDIVIDUAL DIFFERENCES AND THEIR IMPACT ON THE COUPLE RELATIONSHIP

Brown and Brown (2002:4) point out that every person enters a relationship with a set of unspoken expectations, based largely on past experiences. Their expectations may be further determined by gender and ethnic differences. Couples enter their union with assumptions of how their mate will behave which are based on these differences. Each of these topics is so broad and even controversial that it is impossible to do justice to them in a short course such as this. Yet to proceed with a discussion on relationships without mentioning them fails to emphasise the dynamic complexities of working with couples. The discussion of each difference will be brief and discerning learners should pursue further research into these at their own convenience.

1.5 GENDER DIFFERENCES

ACTIVITY
As an interesting exercise, write down five ways you believe that men and women are alike and five ways in which they differ. When you have completed this section review your list and see if you want to make any changes to it. Remember that even social scientists do not completely agree on how the two sexes differ and are similar.

1.5.1 Similarities
Both have the same fundamental needs of humans: survival, self-esteem, intimacy and growth. Both need the sense of having some control over their lives. Both need to achieve. Both need recreation. It is not the needs that differ, but rather the ways in which they translate or express those needs and attempt to fulfil them.

14 There are obvious physiological differences between the sexes, but it seems as though social expectations are responsible for some of the more commonly assumed differences. For example, women are portrayed as being more emotional than men. Lauer and Lauer (1994) contradict this with evidence from research findings that suggest that men and women react to events with similar emotions, but that women are more prone to describe their reactions in emotional terms. Another example is that social expectations suggest that men are more sexually responsive than women, and yet research undertaken by Rubinsky, Eckerman, Rubinsky and Hoover (in Lauer & Lauer, 1994:60) dispels this myth. When researchers measured arousal by physiological changes rather then selfreports, men and women showed very similar responses. The point is that men and women are different, but not as different as some people think. Men and women are human and share the same basic human needs, but they tend to differ in the ways they attempt to meet their basic needs. Sadly, gender stereotyping often promotes unnecessary conflict within relationships which is fuelled by remarks such as `'never trust a woman with a secret'' or ``you can never have a conversation with a man. It will always turn out in one of two ways, into an argument or by him trying to change your mind''. A rational understanding of researched gender differences is useful for helpers and couples to develop realistic expectations of relationships. When working with couples, counsellors need to consider gender differences without falling into the trap of stereotyping people. This awareness may be valuable when trying to track the interactional patterns and conflicts of couples. Brown and Brown (2002:67) believe that gender differences fall into three broad categories: physiological differences; role/rule differences; and differences in communication styles or emotional expression.

1.5.2 Physiological differences

We do not need to discuss the anatomical differences of males and females in a course such as this. Instead, reference will be made to a few pointers about the impact that the two main sex hormones, oestrogen and testosterone, and the difference in male and female brain functioning have on people's behaviour. The reader should be reminded that these findings are generalisations based on aggregates derived from research studies which cannot necessarily be applied to every population. Furthermore, although the differences between the sexes are considered by some to be the result of physiological differences, the nature/nurture debate continues. The discerning practitioner realises that males and females are raised differently in all parts of the world, and socialisation exaggerates gender differences even further. Some of the commonly identified differences will be listed. They are not discussed in any significant order. It is reported that in conflictual situations, males and females react in different ways (Brown & Brown, 2002). The authors illustrate their

15

MGG201W/1

statement by making reference to two different studies conducted by Gottman and by Christensen and Heavy. Gottman found that females tend to self-soothe or calm themselves during arguments, and males become more aroused and hold on to their distressing thoughts. A study conducted by Christensen and Heavy in 1990 found that when couples find themselves in negative relationships, men are more likely to withdraw and women tend to become more demanding and complaining. The verbal ability of women is the result of their left brain functioning and higher levels of oestrogen. Men are considered to be more aggressive because of right brain dominance and the presence of testosterone. People tend to expect men to perform better in more things than women. Studies reveal that people anticipate that men will perform better in virtually all occupations, even though this is not true. Females perform better in intelligence tests measuring verbal ability, tests that demand an understanding of complex language, creative writing, analogies, fluency and spelling. Males, on the other hand, have better spatial and quantitative abilities. The reasons for these differences are still being debated. While some suggest that these differences are rooted in the brain, others believe that from an early age, girl infants are spoken to more by their mothers than boy infants. We shall explore this perspective later in this section. A well-documented fact is that men demonstrate more aggression than women. In situations where people are provoked, men are more likely than women to use physical and verbal aggression. Statistics show that men commit more violent crimes than women and are responsible for more assaults. In situations where people are angered or frustrated, men resort to using verbal aggression more freely than women. Research conducted by Caner (Lauer & Lauer, 1994:62) found that these differences are apparent not only in behavioural acts, but also in dreams. Men in tribal societies are more likely to dream of sexual intercourse, wives, weapons and animals, and women are more likely to dream of husbands and children, mothers and fathers, and crying. It has been proposed that this is the result of the higher levels of testosterone found in men's bodies. Women in most countries outlive men. Could this be a result of women being physiologically stronger than men, or managing the stress of living better than their counterparts?

1.5.3 Differences in communication styles and patterns of emotional expression

There have been interesting findings about the different ways men and women conduct their interactions with others. Women do much more work starting and maintaining quality interactions because of the nature of their conversational style. Kohn (1988:66) found that women have conversational patterns in which they ask more questions than men, use a questioning tone in their statements requesting confirmation from the listener, and tend to use tag questions that occur at the ends of sentences

16 and encourage the listener to respond, for instance: ``It's a beautiful day, isn't it?'' and ``This music is great, don't you think?'' One may also expect women to begin conversations with questions such as ``Guess what?'' as an attempt to capture the listener's attention. Women use more qualifiers (``sort of'', ``maybe'') and intensifiers (``really'', ``unbelievable'', ``fantastic'', ``absolutely''). These provide the listener with clues about the kind of reaction that is expected. Men, on the other hand, are more prone to interrupt conversations and are more competitive. It appears that, for men, conversation is like a sports game. They hope to dominate the argument and expect to win. Gender differences happen in nonverbal communication as well. Women are more skilled at interpreting nonverbal behaviour. They are more attentive, use more nonverbal communications to demonstrate that they are listening, use gesticulations to emphasise what they say, and so on. Men's conversations are characterised by fewer words and are far less revealing about their intimate thoughts and feelings. Their conversation emphasises factual information and detail. I remember when the Twin Towers in New York were attacked by terrorists in 9/11. Men who spoke about it referred mainly to the numbers of people killed, the impact of the speed of the aeroplanes on the structures of the building, the number of paramedics dispatched to the site, the time of the attacks. These are factual remarks. Women commented more on the aeroplane passengers' efforts to make their last calls to their loved ones, the stories of the people who were separated after the attack, the impact on people who had lost their loved ones, the plight of the unsuspecting fire officers. Their references were more emotive. No wonder an author wrote that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. One may begin to think that men and women speak different languages. Men tend to guard their inner private worlds of meaning far more closely than women. Not all men and women can be expected to behave in the ways described in this section. The differences refer to averages in whole groups and fail to reflect individual differences in terms of these behavioural indicators. I am sure you can think of some men in your social circle who are more emotionally expressive than others, or women who are more factual, concise and non-emotive when telling a story. The point made was that many human science practitioners are aware of gender differences and the way in which they impact on male/female communication.

1.5.4 Perceptions of rules/roles for the relationship.

Many people believe that gender is an overwhelming factor that determines behaviour. Gender influences a person's sex roles. What is meant by this is that certain behaviours are often socially prescribed for men and women. In the last few decades, researchers have found that most men and women agree on the attributes that they believe are typical of each gender. Men are expected to be strong, independent, successful, courageous, aggressive and logical, and women more gentle, dependent upon men for support and protection, nurturing, emotional, and

17

MGG201W/1

submissive (Lauer & Lauer, 1994). I am sure that just reading this makes you realise that these are stereotypes, and that stereotypes are misleading and have the potential to generate very stereotyped thinking that reduces each individual's capacity for individualisation and free expression. As a result, when a genuine and expressive male reveals his emotions and sensitivity, or an ambitious and self-driven woman chooses a career above a family, they are both likely to be labelled as homosexual or maladjusted. Even though some sex role expectations are changing and egalitarianism is advocated in the modern world, we still find that there are tremendous disparities in the way that men and women are treated. For example, men undertake less housework than women, even in dual career families, men are more likely to have the final say in family matters, and so forth. Sadly, traditional sex roles continue to influence people's behaviour and expectations in relationships. Karpel in Brown and Brown (2002:6) has identified four main reasons for the differences in sex role expectations. They are: differences in socialisation; differences in legal and economic status and power; differences in childbirth and parenting; and differences in sexuality. These four factors seem to be responsible for marginalising women. We are reminded by Karpel that women are expected to give up more for marriage than men, such as their occupations, their names, their independence. Does this explain why marriage takes its toll on women, as they are more prone to suffering poorer health, lower self-esteem and lower job success than their husbands (Carter & McGoldrick, 1989)? Women tend to be warned about not becoming too independent for fear of losing their femininity. They also are looked down upon when acting in their own self-interest because they are socialised to consider meeting the needs of others before their own. Irrespective of their access to most occupations, women continue to be discriminated against in the work place. They are paid less money than their male counterparts, and despite legislated affirmative action have to work harder for promotion opportunities than their male counterparts. When they do succeed at work, they are often accused of being successful as a result of rendering sexual favours to their superiors, rather than as a result of their commitment and hard work. Sadly, it is an undeniable fact that more women than men suffer at the hands of aggressive and violent partners. But women are not the only ones to be discriminated against. In divorce situations men have to wage legal battles in order to try to gain custody of their children because custody is usually awarded to women, irrespective of the quality of the father's parenting skills. Ideally, what we should be striving for in modern society is to respect each couple's decision to manage their gender differences in ways that are acceptable to them. They should allocate roles according to the uniqueness of their relationship, provided that both partners feel respected and believe that they are being fairly treated. In working with couples the helper may need to focus on helping the couple understand how gender relates to their stresses. Mostly this should be dealt with in

18 indirect ways, for example by exploring the ``gender role'' the husband or wife aspires to.

ACTIVITY
Record your responses to the following questions developed by Brown and Brown (2002) by reflecting on your own relationship with a partner or the relationship of another couple whom you know well. Decide which of these questions may be useful in helping couples understand the influences of gender on their relationship. . To what extent is conflict in the relationship related to rigid, inflexible definitions of gender roles? . Consider and list any gender stereotypes that may disempower one member in the relationship. . What rules do the couple have with reference to the female's personal development and independence outside the family? . What interactional styles do the couple share open or closed? Are their interactional styles gender related? . Consider whether either party feels pressurised by gender roles prescribed by their partner? . Are there any gender role expectations that each person has that generates pressure for himself or herself? . Is the way that each of the partners demonstrates love in their relationship linked to gender differences? . Is the way that each of the partners demonstrates anger in their relationship linked to gender differences?

1.6 THE EFFECTS OF ETHNICITY AND CULTURE

Just as gender differences, be they physiological or social, impact on couple relationships, so do ethnicity and culture. According to Bloom (1984:23) culture is ``an integrated pattern of communication among people with a common history, language and place that results in common values, behaviour patterns and expectations that are transmitted across generations''. Some writers see culture and ethnicity as the same thing. McGoldrick (Carter & McGoldrick, 1989:69) defines ethnicity as ``a concept of a group's `people-hood' based on a combination of race, religion and culture history whether or not members realise their commonalities with each other. It describes a commonality transmitted by the family over generations and reinforced by the surrounding community.'' For the point of our discussion you need to know that culture and ethnicity manifests in language, faith, race, national and geographic origin, family formation and the integration of the extended family. Culture is a strong factor in the maintenance of various groups of people, with certain practices, ceremonies, rituals, values and norms, religion and language. These remain evident even when people emigrate to

19

MGG201W/1

countries with different cultures. An individual's sense of self is implicitly intertwined with his or her cultural beliefs and sense of belonging to an ethnic group. The degree of ethnic identity that people have varies greatly. Some people identify strongly with the norms, traditions and rituals of their ethnic group, while others are much more individualistic. Hines, Preto, McGoldrick, Almeida and Weltman, in Carter and McGoldrick (1989), state that ethnicity intersects with class, religion, politics, geography, the length of time a group has been in a country, the historical cohort and the degree of discrimination the group has experienced. Pressures from the larger cultural context influence people's attitudes towards their ethnicity. Colonialism and slavery in Africa, and other parts of the world, have had disastrous consequences, making us acutely aware of the harmful impact of forcing people to adopt the ethnic practices of another group. Historically this has, more often than not, led to the breakdown of family life and economic and community stability. This topic fuels interesting debate because certain practices condoned by some groups are venomously criticised by others. Two examples that come to mind are the ``child brides'' and polygamous marriages of the Pitcairn Islanders, and the oppression of Afghanistan women. I shall not pursue this discussion at this point, but request that you consider your attitudes and values around these issues. The risks of stereotyping couples according to their ethnic identity should always be guarded against, as stated in the earlier section on gender. Once again, this discussion heightens the reader's awareness of the impact that some broad and common practices of ethnic groups can have on relationships. All too often these are unconscious beliefs that underlie individual behaviour.
ADAPTATION OF NOBLES' (1991:299) SCHEMATIC COMPARISON OF THE WESTERN AND AFRICAN VIEWS OF THE PERSON AND WORLDVIEWS
Western view of the person and the worldview Individuality Uniqueness Differences Competition Individual rights Separateness and independence Survival of the fittest Control over nature
!! !

versus

African view of the person and the worldview Groupness Sameness Commonality Co-operation Collective responsibility Co-operation and interdependence Survival of the tribe
!!!
!

Psychobehavarioral modalities

Values and customs

Ethos

Source: Meyer W, Moore C & Viljoen H. 2002. Personology: from individual to ecosystem. 3rd ed p 536. Heinemann.

!! !

! !
!

One with nature

20 The following are a few examples of how ethnicity impacts on couples.

1.6.1 Definition of a family

People of Anglo descent (such as white English-speaking South Africans) are more likely to define family as the nuclear family (mother, father and children), and to place less emphasis on the extended family. Their privacy and independence from the families of origin are highly prized. African families, by contrast, refer to the entire network of aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents as family. They are responsible for each other, and the ``boundaries'' between the nuclear families are more permeable. The African nuclear family enjoys little or no privacy from their relatives. In African families ancestry is traced through the father's bloodline. The brother of a person's father is referred to as ``baba'', meaning father, making his children enjoy the status of being the person's siblings. Ancestral spirits are important to families because they are responsible for ensuring the continuation of traditional life and peaceful relationships within families. In traditional African families, illness and misfortune are interpreted as indicators of the ancestors' displeasure. In Indian families, the eldest son is expected to remain in the family home when he weds. His new bride joins his family, leaving her family behind. Her position is subordinate to that of her mother-in-law, who has much say over matters that Anglo families would consider very private, for example, how her son manages his money and what important life decisions he makes. Monogamy was strongly advocated in Western cultures, especially during the nineteenth and twentieth centuries. In sharp contrast to this, the right to have more than one wife has been and still is practised by followers of the Shembe church in KwaZulu-Natal. In some ancient Asian tribes discovered by Marco Polo, a woman was allowed to take another husband if her first husband was away home for twenty days; the husband could also take another wife if he was staying in a different place, suggesting that relationships were less permanent. In some cultures, both ancient (Greece) and modern (China until recent times), marital partners were chosen by parents and many brides and grooms did not even see each other before the wedding. In some societies it is expected that the husband and wife continue to live with the husband's family, whilst in others they are encouraged to move away to their own residence, and be more independent of the extended family.

1.6.2 Formation of values

Cultural beliefs, expectations and practices shape the individual's values and guide personal behaviour. Culture plays a significant role in the way a traditional person defines him or herself. The traditional person rates himself or herself according to the extent that he or she has integrated cultural values and practices into everyday life. As culture influences a

21

MGG201W/1

person's self-appraisal, so it has a bearing on the way he or she appraises the partner.

1.6.3 Culture and family life cycle transitions

Every culture evolves its own life cycle transitions based on age, gender, societal role expectations and traditions. Dating, courtship, marriage, child rearing and retirement may be strongly influenced by the early cultural messages each partner receives from his or her family of origin (Young & Long, 1998). Asian professional women often become anxious when unmarried and approaching their thirties, as they expect to be hounded by their relatives who fear that they may be too old for marriage. In traditional Hindu and Muslim families it is a relief when a daughter is proposed to at an early age. In African families, the young adult is not encouraged to leave the family home before marrying. In contrast, English speaking South African families encourage the young adults to become independent, even urging them to travel overseas for long periods of time. This will be explored in greater depth in the next chapter of this guide. Brown and Brown (2002) point out that differences in closeness-distance issues, gender roles and boundaries are often based on cultural issues. When working with couples, the focus on culture becomes an important part of understanding the couple's life cycle development.

1.6.4 Cultural practices change with time

Couples' relationships do not vary only between societies, but also through time. In Western cultures marriage used to be regarded as lasting until the death of one of the couple, but nowadays divorce has become a common practice to end harmful marital relationships. Where couples could only live together after marriage, it is now fairly acceptable for couples to choose to live together outside of marriage. Intimate relationships between same-sex couples used to be outlawed, whereas now they are becoming acknowledged and legalised in many parts of the world. Traditional marriage contained culturally defined and prescribed roles and duties to be performed by each partner, and many marital rules were closely associated with gender roles. During the twentieth century, it would seem that Western men's traditional roles included husband, father, breadwinner, sexual aggressor, financial planner and household mechanic. Traditional female roles were wife, mother, homemaker, sexual recipient, child care provider and housemaid (Sperry & Carlson, 1991:2). Now, however, these are fast changing. As life expectancy has increased and societal expectations have shifted, there seems to be a greater emphasis on intimacy, companionship and cooperation, rather than on duty and responsibility. Equality and choice are central themes in modern relationships, reflecting a basic change in societal values over time. Human rights movements, economic stress, reproductive technologies and increased career opportunities for women have all had a role to play in influencing people's choices about when and how to become a couple. Certainly in South Africa, we have ``become conscious of the fact

22 that all rights and practices must be observed and undertaken in the context of the values enunciated in our Constitution'' (Pityana in the foreword of Elion & Strieman, 2001). As moral beings, South Africans are free to follow the dictates of their conscience and enjoy freedom of religion, belief and opinion.

1.6.5 Cross-cultural unions

Today we find that many couples experience differences in religion, ethnicity, race and social class. They are more independent and autonomous of their families of origin and they have more freedom of choice in choosing their partners. With intercontinental geographical mobility increasing and information technologies advancing, the world appears to be becoming a smaller place, bringing people of different ethnic groups into greater contact with each other. These interethnic unions can be stressful because partners enter their relationships with different expectations because of their different backgrounds (Brown & Brown, 2002). At the same time, we should also remember that even families within the same ethnic groups differ considerably from one another. Therefore it is better for us to assume that each family has its own culture. In happy times, it is much easier for the couple to overlook or even appreciate these cultural differences, but when stressed, these factors often intensify their problems. Imagine a wife who comes from a culture that promotes an open, expressive, demonstrative communication style, whilst her husband's ethnicity encourages him to be controlled and to keep his emotions in check. Picture a scene where the expressive wife explodes because her mother-in-law has criticised her for being too emotional and loud. Because her husband has been brought up to believe that he should not create a scene, nor involve himself in arguments that have nothing to do with him, he does not intervene in the disagreement between his mother and wife. The husband is likely to further frustrate the expressive wife, who goes on to challenge him about his lack of loyalty to her.

ACTIVITY
Try to view the film ``My Big Fat Greek Wedding''. After viewing it, answer the following questions: What were the main cultural differences the couple had to address? Did one of the partners preserve their cultural heritage more than the other? How did the couple's cultural differences impact on their relationship? Couples' relationships are very varied. They are influenced by the individual characteristics of the partners, ethnicity and gender. Variations within intimate couple relationships between ethnic groups help us to realise that we cannot develop prescriptions for normal, natural, right or typical intimate relationships

23

MGG201W/1

1.7 BECOMING A COUPLE

There are a wide range of traditions, norms and practices for couples to engage in to satisfy their intimacy needs. No evidence exists that any particular practice works best for people. In fact, one could argue that the diversity of couple life is both necessary and desirable if the maximum number of people are to find satisfying couple relationships (Lauer & Lauer, 1994:28). The ``world'' of the couple is an interesting and dynamic one. Young and Long (1998:4) suggest: ``It is a world defined by the two people involved, and it is in many ways mysterious to those on the outside looking in. It has its own rules, language, and customs. Therapists who enter this world realise that changing a couple system is one of the most challenging tasks ever contemplated''. The first thing we need to understand is that the couple relationship is different from a friendship or family bond, and according to Bubenzer and West in Young and Long (1998:45) there are six characteristics that set the ``couple'' apart from the other relationships they have with friends, siblings, parents and children.

ACTIVITY
Can you think what these characteristics are? List them in your learning journal.

FEEDBACK
1 In most instances the couple relationship is voluntary, and both parties realise that the relationship is their choice. If they cannot work through their differences, they can leave. Perhaps this is more relevant in developed countries and less true of developing nations. The authors make no reference to cultural practices where marital partners are chosen by parents and the couple have little contact with one another before they marry. Arranged marriages still happen in some Indian and Chinese families. Sadly, too, the authors forget that in underdeveloped countries women are often dependent upon their partners for housing and financial support. Being marginalised, they lack financial security and employable skills that would allow them to enter the open labour market so that they could become selfsupporting. They are usually forced to stay in their abusive relationships because they have no other recourse for survival. 2 The couple relationship depends upon a balance of stability and growth. The stability stems from a sense of predictability, and the growth of opportunities for novelty, spontaneity and flexibility. Perhaps this is why people use the term ``the seven-year itch'' to explain what happens when a couple's relationship becomes so predictable that it creates a sense of restlessness and irritability in partners. Buscaglia (1982:162) says, ``It's the sameness that brings us close, but it is the newness that will keep us together''. It is clear that couples need to create opportunities for growth and development in their relationships. 3 The couple relationship has a past, a present, and a future. The couple is connected through their past histories and their future plans. For them to move forward as a couple they need to be able to live for the moment, in the present, without being bogged down by their individual pasts. Both partners

24
have to learn to let go of old conflicts and issues that may have presented themselves during the early part of their relationship. For the couple to move forward in their relationship, they have to develop shared goals. Goals help to keep the couple focused on a shared future. The setting of joint goals helps to provide their relationship with a sense of direction and of something to look forward to. By being present-focused, and tackling present issues and concerns together, the couple are more likely to strengthen their relationship. Hence the saying, ``a good relationship is like a good red wine; it gets better with age''. 4 In order to become a couple, partners have to merge their individual perspectives and histories. These frequently contain different values and world-views, making this merger very difficult to achieve. The couple must be prepared to negotiate divergent issues. This was expounded upon in the preceding section on expectations and personal intentions. What was not mentioned, however, is that we are often affected by our past. A person who grew up in a home where the father was a gambler and squandered the family's money may find that her need for financial security may be overwhelming for the partner. The partner's experience might have been very different. He may have grown up in a home where he never needed to worry about money as a child, and now he spends freely, without planning for the family's financial future. 5 Belonging to a partnership implies giving and receiving support. A personal relationship is much like a business relationship, where each person is expected to invest in their partner's needs and receive some pay-back in return. The important thing is that the investment must be in terms of enabling the partner to have their personal needs met, and not just of investing in acts that they do not want. It is often said that partnerships need to be on a 50:50 basis, but it must be remembered that people have strengths and weaknesses. It is better for relationships to be based on the synergy achieved by the couple complementing each other's strengths and weaknesses. For example, people do not have the same ability to offer one another sympathy and support. A wife may benefit from her husband's practical nature when she is overcome with grief after the loss of her mother. Her husband may find it difficult to show her sympathy. Rather than offering her verbal support and reassurance, he takes over the funeral arrangements and handles her mother's affairs, thereby demonstrating support in a way that is meaningful to her. 6 The couple relationship requires that each party respect the other's identity and individuality. At the same time the couple must recognise the need to put their own individual identities and aspirations aside, at times, for the good of the relationship. Buscaglia (1982) explains this as ``I'' meet ``You'' and we stay together because we are attracted and have certain commonalities that we share. These shares become ``Us''. ``You'' always remain ``You'' and ``I'' remain ``I''. We never disappear, but we develop the ``Us'' together, and that is our common bond. Steven Covey (1999), a popular author of a series of books on living life more effectively, highlights how valuable synergy is in relationships. We should avoid trying to change our partners so that they become more like us.

25

MGG201W/1

1.7.1 Couple formation

``In effect, a couple is formed when a boundary is erected around the two individuals involved'' (Muller, 2002:43). This boundary is an invisible psychological boundary that draws two individuals together to become one symbiotic unit. This formation makes the couple concentrate on each other and their relationship as something separate from their families of origin, offering them a sense of intimacy or belonging, a shared past, present, and future entwining their lives in intricate ways. The boundary serves to separate and protect them from undue invasion by the outside world. In this way the couple's unique relationship is protected. This ``couple relationship'' becomes the nucleus of the nuclear family. The process of couple formation may be presented as follows:
THE DEVELOPMENT OF IDEALISING
Admiring
!

Matching to ideals Preliminary fit Sexual emotional attraction

! !

Mismatch Discrepancy too great Dismissal

!

Matching to ideals Good fit

!

Mismatch F A L L I N G
!

Romantic idealizing Merging ``In love''

!

Dismissal

New information Matching to ideas

!

Good fit deeper in love Denial of mismatch

!

Mismatch Discrepancy too great

!
!

Forming idealizing collusion

Source: Sharpe, SA. 2000. The ways we love: a developmental approach to treating couples. Guilford, p 135.

Integrating new information Modifying ideals Growth of relationship

! !

``Out of love''

F A L L I N G

26

1.7.2 Characteristics of healthy couples

Several authors share my sentiments that it is more important to keep the focus on healthy behaviours and the strengths of the couple relationship, than to dwell on the relationship shortcomings and dysfunctions in couples work. In view of this, it seems appropriate to conclude this chapter with a summary of the healthy patterns of couples' relationships that have been identified by several practitioners in this field. The works of Beavers and Sperry and Carlson were integrated with Young and Long's (1998:1012) own perspectives, and deal with five main points. The points are as follows:

A belief in relative rather than absolute truth

For a couple's relationship to survive, the partners have to accommodate one another's perspectives. Statements such as ``My taste in art is good, but yours is bad'', ``I am always right'', ``I know what is best for this child, and you don't'' are all absolute statements. They do not make room for the other partner's perspective. Healthy couples allow for differences in taste and expect that there will be different points of view. They realise that people are different and therefore see things from different perspectives.

An assumption that the partner has good motives

Healthy couples respect each other enough to believe that their partners' intentions are good. They would never interpret a partner's mistake as an intentional act, designed to get at them. They do not speak of their partner as the enemy, nor do they suspect that the partner's annoying habits are directed at them in order to upset them.

A belief that differences will be resolved

Committed partners accept that any relationship offers a bumpy ride. They expect their relationship to have moments of conflict, anger, disagreement and estrangement, but when experiencing these rough patches they remain optimistic that their differences can be resolved. They appreciate the good times in their relationship and consider these when trying to deal with the lows. They make an effort to resolve their disputes themselves, rather than involving a third party.

A belief in something larger

Healthy couples do not expect to get as much from each other as they do by following each other in the same direction, towards a bigger, shared, common cause. Young and Long (1998:12) explain that couples who share a common belief, or are involved in the same mission, one larger than themselves, such as a religious, political or philanthropic cause, are more likely to experience satisfaction than couples who do not.

27

MGG201W/1

The practice of healthy behaviours

Couples can be taught to adopt healthy patterns of behaving towards one another. When these practices happen frequently, they are more likely to be able to sort out the troublesome issues in their relationship. The healthy behavioural patterns are directly responsible for elevating their levels of satisfaction in the relationship.

Responsibility
Partners need to take responsibility for maintaining love and respect, and should be willing to find new ways of doing things in their relationship when the old ones fail. When things go wrong, happy couples are more likely to try to find ways to resolve the problem than to waste time blaming one another.

Alignment of goals
Partners are willing to collaborate on mutual goals rather than be forceful about their individual goals. Compromise is easily recognisable in their relationships.

Encouragement
The communication between partners is more likely to contain messages of: positive feedback, support, recognition and confidence. These characteristics are essential to creating a healthy relationship.

Open communication
Partners express feelings openly and honestly. They recognise the importance of transparency and openness as they are the foundations for problem solving, sharing, intimacy and understanding.

Empathic listening
Each partner makes a point of listening to the other in such an active way that they are able to verbalise their understanding of what the partner has said and reflect the emotional content that the message contained. This form of listening validates the partner because it projects a strong message that the partner is respected.

Willingness to analyse and discuss the relationship

Partners have to set aside time diligently to review their relationship. During this time they should identify the strengths and areas of concern in their relationship.

28

Demonstration of acceptance
Each partner needs to be able to express verbally and nonverbally his or her belief in the value of the other, particularly when differing opinions are expressed.

Support of positive goals of the marriage

Both partners behave in support of the collaborative goals that they have set for the relationship. They make sure that there are appropriate boundaries in place to regulate the harmful influences of external forces on their goals.

Joint conflict solution

As stated earlier, neither yields to the temptation to blame or score points against their partner when problems arise. Instead of partners being determined to get their own way, the couple combine their energy to create solutions that will be mutually satisfactory.

Commitment to equality in the relationship

Both partners appreciate the importance of behaving in a cooperative fashion. They both invest in and benefit from the relationship. The workload is shared, they choose joint goals and activities over individual ones, and yet make space for each to grow equally as human beings.

ACTIVITY
Consider the factors listed and decide whether they would be culturally appropriate for the couples you will work with in your community or counselling context. Can you determine whether these characteristics have their roots in Western or collective cultures? Explain your answer. Interview a volunteer couple. This should not be a couple seeking help for problems, but a couple willing to share their experiences to help you in your studies. Ask the couple to identify the strengths of their marriage. How do they resolve conflict? What does each feel is special about the other? Can you recognise any of the characteristics of happy couples in their relationship?

SUMMARY
This chapter started with an exploration of what intimacy and love are. After accentuating the differences between the two concepts, a practical explanation of love was given, based on Keech's (1993) tripod theory. The theory explains that a couple relationship has to balance on three elements: physical attraction, mutual expectations and personal intentions. A review of Hauck's (1983) pragmatic approach to love expanded

29

MGG201W/1

this theme further. The cognitive behavioural assumptions on which Hauck's theory is based suggest that couples need to be discerning about the attachments they form and the ways they manage them. They need to recognise that love must be earned. They need to accept that couples should invest reciprocally in their relationships to ensure that both parties remain equally satisfied. Couples need to be mindful that couple relationships have to be managed, just as business partnerships do. Therefore, couples should negotiate and monitor the rules, goals and desirable communication patterns that they want in their relationships. The goal of an intimate relationship should be realistic, so that each partner can feel reasonably content within the relationship. If a partner's level of satisfaction is considerably lower than his or her levels of dissatisfaction, then immediate action should be taken to determine what can be done to increase the level of satisfaction. The unrealistic expectations typical of many couple relationships were discussed. There are many variables that influence relationships. The more common variables (individual differences, gender, and ethnicity and culture) were briefly reviewed. Couples have to make the transition from individual thinking to couple thinking. Issues that were previously defined individually have to be renegotiated and defined as a couple. Gender issues affect couple relationships for several reasons. Firstly, males and females think and behave differently because of the physiological differences of the sexes. Secondly, males and females communicate differently and this leads to communication problems. Thirdly, gender often dictates relationship rules and roles. Ethnicity and cultural factors should also be considered when working with couples. The helper must be respectful of cultural differences as they affect the timing of life cycle events, values and the way a family is defined. Crosscultural relationships are becoming more common and may present unique problems for couples who have not thought about the impact that their differences will have on their relationship. Working with a couple relationship is a challenging task for the helper because the couple relationship is different from a friendship or family bond. The six factors that set the couple relationships apart from other relationships were mentioned. The couple relationship is voluntary. It contains a balance of stability and growth. It has a past, a present and a future. Becoming a couple means merging two perspectives and histories. The couple need to give and receive support. Both partners need to respect each other's individual identity, and they also need to ensure that they can put those identities aside for the good of their relationship. Clearly one cannot try to define what a couple relationship should be like. However, one of the things that helpers in the field long to understand is, ``What sets a happy couple apart from the rest?'' Young and Long (1998) list five factors that separate happy couples from unhappy ones. The findings must be contextualised because they assume many Western ideas. The characteristic identified are briefly mentioned. The partners think in terms of relative rather than absolute truth. They operate from the assumption that their partners have good motives. They share a

30 strong belief that their differences will be resolved. They work together towards something bigger than one another. Their relationship is characterised by many healthy practices of behaviour, such as sharing the responsibility for keeping their relationship functioning, setting shared goals, encouraging each other, maintaining good communication patterns and demonstrating empathy within their interactions.

31

MGG201W/1

THEME TWO

Changes that couples go through: psychological tasks and family life cycle developmental stages

OBJECTIVES On completion of this theme, you will be able to: . list the seven psychological tasks of committed relationships . list the six stages of the family life cycle and describe the nature of the developmental tasks associated with each stage . demonstrate your awareness that culture and wider socioeconomic factors influence the developmental tasks of families . demonstrate your awareness of the role of the helper in enabling couples to achieve the psychological and developmental tasks required of them . explain the significance of rituals in couple and family life

INTRODUCTION
When one is familiar with typical behaviours for children of different ages, it is easier to respond appropriately to them. The same goes for relationships. If couples are helped to understand the typical developmental tasks and the issues couples have to address at each of the developmental stages of their relationship, then they are more likely to respond with insight and overcome these problems with less conflict and emotion. This theme deals with the predictable challenges that have to be negotiated by couples in long-term relationships. Drastic changes have been noted in the family's structure, division of family roles and family norms over the last few decades. Despite this, many practitioners continue to refer to a rather broad outline of the different developmental stages and tasks that are associated with couples. Individual family members experience predictable developmental changes as taught in your other courses, and as they do, their families have to adapt to, and accommodate these changes. The patterns of adaption are common to many couples and are referred to as the psychological tasks that families or couples have to achieve. The patterns have been consolidated by some writers in such a way that they have

32 created theories of predictable family life cycles which consist of different stages that necessitate specific adaptions. It is generally acknowledged that there are considerable variations in the age at which different psychological tasks begin and end. This together with the different physical, psychological, socio-cultural and structural factors influences the timing of the developmental stages through which the families progress. Knowledge of these psychological and developmental tasks of couples may assist a couple by enhancing their understanding as it moves through time; and/or by facilitating some form of assessment of their adaption to couplehood, or family life. These are discussed in this section. Psychological tasks may be understood to mean the tasks that couples are expected to achieve in their relationship, which continue and are joined by other tasks that couples address from the outset of their relationships, as their relationship develops and passes through different stages. The changing tasks trigger conflicts and challenge earlier solutions (Brown & Brown, 2002:12). The psychological task tehory is based on the work of Wallerstein (1995). The family life cycle suggests that family life unfolds in a particular fashion. There are fairly recognisable stages that families move through in time, and at each stage family members have to complete predictable tasks. Family life cycle tasks are developmental tasks that have been discussed at length by Carter and McGoldrick (1989). the couple relationship tends to be the nucleus of the nuclear family, this theory deepens our awareness of varied tasks that couples have to deal with in the family. The developmental tasks tend to involve the whole family, unlike the psychological tasks that only involve the couple. The psychological tasks are not arranged in any sequential fashion and are not plotted as a linear process, because Wallerstein recognises that the couple develops its own sequence of life events. The family life cycle identifies the different developmental stages that families move through, and these are plotted on a progressive continuum. At each of the stages, the developmental tasks that couples and families have to transcend are identified. As in any developmental theory, successful completion of developmental tasks is necessary before the couple or family can move on to the next stage. Although there is considerable overlap between psychological tasks and developmental tasks, the two theories help to deepen the new practitioner's awareness of the shifting challenges and demands that couples have to negotiate as they move together through time. Wallerstein (1995) conducted a longitudinal study of fifty happy marriages in 1993 and pinpointed the tasks that the participants had successfully negotiated during their relationships over the years. She suggests that marriage promotes maturity and consolidates sexual identity because couples begin to work towards completing several psychological tasks. The psychological tasks are evident right in the beginning of the marriage, are joined by new tasks later in the

33

MGG201W/1

relationship, and are redefined along the way. The couple have to move in a synchronised manner to achieve them. These tasks are applicable regardless of the partner's ages or history of prior relationships. The tasks are not bound by time. I once read that the family life cycle is characterised by plateaus, transitions, tasks and changes very similar to the processes experienced when working with therapeutic or task groups. A clear process can be traced, highlighting the subtle shifts in the quality of relationships between members. Each stage presents new emotional and intellectual challenges. The process is fairly predictable. In the beginning it is characterised by issues of attachment, as two separate beings come together with their different values, goals and aspirations and have to find commonality in order to move forward with one another. It then progresses to the development of an industrious or working ethos, as the couple decides how to share roles and responsibilities. When they have children, the couple struggles with affiliation, inclusion and boundary issues, and has to make space for the new additions to the family. As the children reach adolescence the family decentralises and loosens its boundaries to provide space for the adolescents to develop measures of autonomy. This requires adjustment in the couple's relationship. Thereafter, the family attempts to achieve differentiation and detachment of the younger generation, as they are launched to make their own lives. Finally, the couple are elevated from the middle generation to the older generation, as the elderly grandparents die. Facing the challenges of these stages equips the couple with new skills. Not everyone passes through the stages smoothly. Situations such as severe illness, financial problems, or the death of a loved one can have an effect on how well the family transcends each life cycle stage. The family life cycle provides one with a clear, simplistic and very broad understanding of the process that the family moves through, and highlights the necessary shifts and adjustments that the couple have to make in their relationship to enable the developmental tasks to be fulfilled.

ACTIVITY
Before you start this theme, stop and consider what characterises happy committed relationships. Jot down the psychological tasks that you think the couples have to complete in order to develop a sense of unity or synchronicity in their relationship. You may find it easier to think in terms of how two individuals move from their ``I'' status to the ``Us'' status. Pinpoint areas where you think compromises and adjustments are necessary when making this shift. Now that you have done that, compare and contrast your ideas with those of Wallerstein (1995). I have found it easier to refer to the seven stages as discussed in Young and Long (1998:1517), which are: (1) consolidating psychological separation and establishing new connections with a family of origin; (2) building the marital identity for the couple and the individuals; (3) establishing their sexual identity; (4) establishing the relationship as a zone of safety and nurturance; (5) parenthood; (6) building a relationship that is fun and

34
interesting; (7) maintaining a dual visualisation of their partner that combines early idealisation with reality perception. Brown and Brown (2002) on the other hand refer to nine psychological tasks. They include two extra tasks: coping with crises and making a safe place for conflict.

2.1 PSYCHOLOGICAL TASKS OF COUPLES IN LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP 2.1.1 Consolidating psychological separation and establishing new connections with the family of origin
It is anticipated that when a couple decides to commit to one another in a binding way, they each do so as adults who have learned to be selfsufficient and autonomous from their families of origin. Each should have developed a sense of being a separate self before he or she can join with the other to form the couple. The transition from the separate self is not so easy. The couple are likely to feel overwhelmed by the dramatic change in the quality of their relationship. The experience of consolidating psychological separation and establishing new connections with the family of origin is often experienced as being far removed from the sense of fun and freedom they shared when they were still two separate adults attracted to one another. Instead, they are likely to become overwhelmed by their sense of responsibility to each other, and the competing loyalties towards the family of origin and the partner. It is a challenge to learn to function as a branch of the family system (Brown & Brown, 2002:13). The psychological tasks that one identifies couples tackling at this stage of the relationship are as follows: . They have to develop different kinds of relationships with their family of origin. The role of son or daughter, in most cultures, is regarded as secondary to that of husband or wife. Partners do not cut their extended families off, but rather have healthy contact where the autonomy of the couple is respected. . Partners have to develop a balance of intimacy and independence, and fusion and dependence. With time, patience and discussion, rules for closeness and cooperation emerge. . Individuals seldom have the same perspectives on issues, and so conflict is most prevalent at this stage. The couple develops positive conflict resolution skills as well as negotiation skills. Each person learns to ``give a little'' without feeling that he or she is forfeiting his or her identity in the process. . The couple forms a myriad of spoken and unspoken rules about the way they will live their lives together. . Each partner learns to appreciate the other's differences and lives with them without resentment.

2.1.2 Building togetherness and creating autonomy

One of the greatest challenges faced by couples is to balance the push-pull between the two poles of ``protecting each partner's individuality'' and

35

MGG201W/1

``setting individuality aside for the good of the couple'' (Young & Long, 1998:15). A couple has to shift from thinking as an ``I'' or ``me'' to a ``we'' and ``us''. This shift in focus is far removed from the selfcentredness of ``what I want'' and ``what I need'', and rests upon making mutual decisions and choices based on what is good for the relationship. Wallerstein (1995) emphasises that when this shift occurs, the couple experiences a deepening of intimacy. Trying to make sure that this mutualising is never at the expense of an individual partner's efforts to meet individual needs is tricky. The psychological tasks characteristic of this phase include the following: . developing mutual respect for each other and the relationship . renegotiating values pertaining to matters such as money, sex, and recreation, so that both partners' views are considered . deciding on what competing leisure time activities, friendships and associations may need to be terminated in order to protect the relationship . discussions around issues where there is no agreement and/or partners' needs are not being met so that workable solutions can be found . developing family traditions and rituals which are relevant to that relationship: some of these may be absorbed from the family of origin, and others may be rejected as less relevant for this specific family . adapting to a partner's changing needs. People are not static. Their situations change and in the process so do their needs. The couple have to be mindful of this and willing to adjust their demands on one another accordingly.

2.1.3 Establishing a sexual identity

``The ability to give and receive pleasure is a mature dimension of adulthood'' (Wallerstein, 1995:186). Sexuality is very much like a person's appetite for food. It is individual. People differ in terms of how often they like to eat, what they eat, where they like to eat, how long they like a meal to last, the rituals they enjoy before and after they eat and so on. These differences in preferences are equally evident in sexual relationships. Furthermore, just as in the case of our appetites, our sexual needs are likely to change at different times in our lives. The couple should negotiate the frequency, intensity and accessibility needed for satisfying sexual expression. Their needs for sex and intimacy are, more than likely, different and they have to explore ways to accommodate each other's needs. Related psychological tasks for the couple are: . to develop trust in one another, believing that neither will be scorned or rejected . developing a realistic expectation about sex and intimacy in the relationship that is not based on what is taught in the media

36 . developing openness about what each person likes and dislikes in the sexual relationship . finding new, creative ways to please each other . arranging a safe haven (time and place) from the stressors of life to enjoy one another

2.1.4 Establishing the relationship as a zone of safety and nurturance

A good relationship offers the partners support and nurturance when stressed. This kind of emotional safety requires that a couple develops a relationship where each feels ``safe for dependency, failure, disappointment, mourning, illness, and aging in short, for being a vulnerable human being'' (Wallerstein, 1995:239). Such a feeling of emotional safety allows partners to express their beliefs, dreams, values and concerns with a relative sense of freedom. It is this freedom that reassures each person that he or she is valued and loved and able to builds on his or her self-esteem. The emotional freedom makes it comfortable for each to turn to the other in times of stress. This reduces the likelihood that a partner will go outside the relationship to have affairs, or devote too much time to work, or friendships, or extended family or leisure-time activities that exclude the partner. For this psychological task to be possible in a relationship one would expect the couple to work on the following: . communication, which includes the open expression of feelings . accepting that it is impossible for two people to agree on all issues and share the same feelings, opinions and desires. The couple should see that it is perfectly normal to agree to disagree on issues. . making a conscious effort to acknowledge one another's feelings without passing judgement . developing appropriate ways to show one another support and comfort

2.1.5 Negotiating parenthood

The role of women has changed significantly over the last three decades, and it should not be assumed that every woman wants to be a mother. Couples have more choices than they used to have, in terms of whether they should or should not have children. A couple who find that they are unable to conceive may have to consider other ways of becoming parents, such as adoption or artificial reproductive technology. Each of these presents new and interesting value dilemmas. For a couple to make a happy transition from being childless to becoming parents, they have to spend a significant amount of time weighing up what they imagine parenting to involve, in relation to the sacrifices that they are willing to make. The introduction of children into a relationship necessitates the expansion of the relationship to make psychological space for children, without compromising the couple's intimacy. Evidence of a couple who have successfully negotiated this psychological task may be recognised in some of the following responses:

37

MGG201W/1

. They will clarify their expectations of parenting. . They will review the parenting practices each experienced as children and decide whether these were positive or negative, so that they will develop reasonably consistent parenting practices and disciplining procedures. . They will enjoy and share their feelings of tenderness and pride about the development of their children. . They will show willingness to make sacrifices on behalf of their children. . They will establish family rules that maintain the safety and protection of the children, but also lead to their learning to become independent. . They will join with one another on issues so as to present a united front before the children, so that neither parent colludes with the children, nor undermines the other parent's authority. . They will unite their efforts to provide the necessary support to the children. These tasks are likely to be much more challenging in reconstructed families, commonly referred to as stepfamilies, because there are more individuals involved. Even more negotiation is needed as the adults have to define the roles of step-parents and allow for more permeable family boundaries. Members need to have contact with both access and custodial parents. Because of the different levels of connection in these families, one expects distinct subgroups that do not feel as though they are part of one big happy family. Similar tensions may be experienced in polygamous relationships when the roles and responsibilities of parents are not clearly defined.

2.1.6 Building a relationship that is fun and interesting

Fun, play and humour are important traits of healthy committed relationships (Brown & Brown, 2002:24). Fun is not automatically present in relationships, and couples have to work continuously to inject excitement and passion into their relationships. Fun-filled times help to create shared memories which sustain a couple during times of stress or illness, as memories of the good times can be recalled. The couple need to achieve the following: . They need to find a balance between spontaneity and tradition when choosing their activities. . They need to make a conscious effort to discover leisure-time activities that they can share together. . They need to create time for each partner to pursue independent activities, so that they can enjoy independence and autonomy. . They need to set time aside from work and child-rearing activities in which to enjoy each another's company and have fun.

38

2.1.7 Maintaining a dual vision of each other that combines early idealisation with reality perception
``Keeping love alive means that each partner needs to stay in touch with the passion initially felt for the other, and yet is aware of how that passion has grown into a more realistic friendship over the years'' (Young & Long, 1998:16). In other words, it is important for the couple to make a conscious effort to recall old memories while addressing the current realities of their lives. In order to achieve this one expects a couple to do the following: . affirm one another's special and unique qualities . focus attention on a partner's positive intentions and positive behaviours . remember old memories while dealing with current realities; this is nicely explained by Wallerstein (1995:324) who said ``beloved recollections of a better past soften the blows of the present'' . develop rituals such as regular good morning kisses, or spending time chatting over a cup of tea on return from work, or having a monthly date with one another Wallerstein (1995) suggests that relationships succeed when couples address these psychological tasks. The tasks help the couple survive the inevitable crises and conflicts along the way.

ACTIVITY
Select two psychological tasks and discuss their relationship to each other. Consider how gender, race, religion and culture impact on the way couples tackle these two tasks.

2.2 THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE

Carter and McGoldrick (1989:4) motivate practitioners to be familiar with a family life cycle approach or paradigm, as they believe that such a paradigm reinforces the intergenerational connection of families and ``adds to the depth with which clinicians view family problems and strengths''. The family life cycle helps the practitioner to become attentive to the continual personal and interpersonal adjustment processes required of all family members. It views symptoms and relationship difficulties in relation to normal functioning over time. Family life is a process that necessitates many changes in areas such as interactional patterns, interpersonal feelings, roles that members are expected to fulfil, and members' expectations of one another. The authors explain that the family life cycle highlights problems that are experienced by family members within the history the family has moved through, the developmental tasks they are currently struggling to accomplish (the

39

MGG201W/1

present), and the future they are striving towards. In other words, family members are inextricably linked by their shared past, present and future as they move together through time. Lauer and Lauer (1994) emphasise that the ways in which families negotiate these changes are crucial. They may either weaken or strengthen their sense of connection to one another, the quality of family life they share, and according to my frame of reference, each individual family member's intrapersonal adjustment. At the outset of this discussion, I would like to caution you against falling into the trap of oversimplifying the developmental life cycle of families. It is extremely dangerous to believe that there is a `'normal'' family life cycle that should be applied when working in this field. Practitioners should avoid assuming that they are expert enough to define `'normal families'' or `'normal functioning'', as changing norms, sociopolitical realities, gender, culture and ethnicity all exert powerful influences on family life. Families have to negotiate the developmental and environmental stresses that confront them. In the light of this, we should not develop a framework that suggests that families who deviate from the `'norms'' are dysfunctional. Instead, the inclusion of this section in this course is intended to provide you with at least one perspective of the family life cycle. It is hoped that it will stimulate you to contemplate how your own personal experiences of the family life cycle can contribute to the development of an even more descriptive and helpful understanding of the family life cycle, of different kinds of families, living in different communities.

2.2.1 Different family life cycle theories

ACTIVITY
Read the following case study: Johannes and Hermien have been married for seventeen years. They have two children, Jaco, who is fifteen, and Susan, who is thirteen. They come to see you, the pastoral counsellor, as they are finding that they have grown apart. They are consumed with many tasks and responsibilities. Hermien's elderly mother has moved into their home after the death of her husband. She had a serious fall and needed an operation. Jaco is a keen sportsman and has a wide circle of friends, whom the couple do not approve of, as they do not attend church. Johannes is old-fashioned and clashes with both children. He believes that they are not respectful and accuses them of challenging the boundaries that have been set for them. This results in Hermien and Johannes fighting. She accuses Johannes of being unreasonable with the children. Now that Hermien is middle-aged, she is beginning to challenge Johannes about some of his expectations of her and the children. She regrets having devoted her life to caring for her family, as she now feels that she has achieved little in life. Johannes, on the other hand, has been a successful businessman, and now occupies a senior position in his firm where he can delegate many tasks to others. He chooses to spend much of his leisure time

40
serving the church and the neighbourhood watch. This leaves little time for him to do fun things with Hermien, who longs to get out and have a break from the household tasks and nursing her mother. Decide on the following: . Is the couple in crisis? . Would you say these difficulties are unique to this family, or would you expect to hear similar concerns from other couples who are at the same life stage as this family? . What are the main emotional issues that impact on Johannes and Hermien's relationship? . For the couple to be able to enjoy their relationship with one another again, what issues should be renegotiated? . What role should the pastoral counsellor play?

FEEDBACK
It appears as though this couple is experiencing a normative family crisis related to the family reaching a new stage of development, that of a family with adolescent children. In view of this the relationships in the family, and more specifically the couple's own relationship, need to be renegotiated. One expects more flexibility in the family boundary to allow Hermien's mother back into their family and Jaco time and space to be more independent. Jaco wants more freedom, but also has to satisfy his family that he is mature enough to make the right choices. Hermien and Johannes have to develop a less authoritarian style of communicating with their children and reach consensus on what the rules in the family home should be, now that the children are adolescents. It is important for them to recognise that, as the children need them less, they have to rework their relationship and find opportunities to enjoy one another again. Johannes may need to help Hermien with taking care of her mother. If Johannes really cares for Hermien, he will ensure that he understands Hermien's need to explore her own development. It can be seen that this is a normative life crisis in a family and the role of the helper is to ensure that the couple identify each of the stressors and understands family member's needs, at that point in time.

As early as the 1950s, Duvall proposed a widely used model of the family life cycle which consists of eight stages (Lauer & Lauer, 1994:364). The stages ranged from the newly married couple, through the childbearing years, to the ageing family members stage in which the original couple become grandparents, and finally to the death of one partner. A similar model was suggested by Steyn and Breedt as presented in Louw (1998:518). Betty Carter, a director of a family training institute, and Monica McGoldrick, an associate professor in a psychiatric training institute, developed a family life cycle model that was influenced by theorists who wrote extensively about the transitions of adult life, such as Erikson

41

MGG201W/1

(1952), Levinson, Darrow, Klein, Levinson and McKee (1978), Miller (1976) and finally, Duvall (1977). Their model differed from the others in that it included three to four generations. It identified six stages, and each stage described at least two generations at a time. The stages were considered as points where family members leave or enter the family system. The family life cycle is a process, which requires changes in the nature of family relationships over time. The transition from one stage to another generates tension for family members, and this often causes interpersonal conflict that leads to couples or families seeking counselling. Each stage is characterised by a different set of challenges or problems.

2.2.2 Stressors
Families are bombarded by two levels of stress. They are affected by tension or stress passed down from previous generations, and the stresses of the unexpected happenings experienced during their life together. These are referred to as vertical and horizontal stresses respectively. They also are affected by system level stressors, as we will explain.

2.2.2.1 Vertical stressors

Young and Long (1998:13) explain that these are called vertical because, ``they come down from higher branches or earlier generations of our family trees''. These typically describe the perceptions that each individual brings to the couple relationship, based on the family expectations, misconceptions and myths handed down to them from the family of origin. These exert stress on the family system, even though the couple may not be aware of the manner in which they have internalised their family of origin's memories, secrets and legacies.

2.2.2.2 Horizontal stressors

These stressors include the predictable life cycle transitions such as getting married, having a baby, losing one's partner, as well as some of the unexpected life events such as illness, accidents, retrenchment, and so on. ``They can be conceived of as marks on a continuum, starting with the couple's first meeting and proceeding until the end of the relationship through death and divorce'' (Young & Long, 1998:14). These may generate high or low points on the couple's life line. Most couples are able to contain the stresses of these highs and lows on their own. The family normally gets back on track, and goes on to achieve the developmental tasks required of them in that stage.

2.2.2.3 System-level stressors

These include social, cultural, political, religious and economic influences. The couple may be influenced by extended families, in-laws, pressures from the nuclear family, work groups, organisations, and the

42 friends with whom they interact during their life together. Young and Long (1998) summarise the common social stressors that impact on couples as: in-laws and extended family members; religion; economics; career; leisure-time opportunities; friends; higher education; political beliefs; financial opportunities; pressure to have children.
FLOW OF STRESS THROUGH THE FAMILY
Vertical stressors Racism, sexism, classism, ageism, homophobia consumerism, poverty Disappearance of community, more work, less leisure, inflexibility of work-place, no time for friends Family emotional patterns, myths, triangles, secrets, legacies, losses Violence, addictions, ignorance, depression, lack of spiritual expression or dreams Genetic makeup, abilities and disabilities

Systems level Sociocultural, political, economic Community: neighborhood, work friends, religions, organizations Larger Society Extended family Community Immediate family Extended Family Individual Immediate Family
!

Individual

Time

Horizontal stressors Developmental a. Life cycle transitions b. Migration Unpredictable a. Untimely death b. Chronic illness c. Accident d. Unemployment Historical Events a. War b. Economic depression c. Political climate d. Natural disasters Source: Carter, E & McGoldrick, M. 1999. The expanded family life cycle p 9. Allyn & Bacon.

ACTIVITY
Reflect on your family, and if you are involved in a committed relationship, identify the vertical stressors that continue to exert stress on these relationships. List these in your learning journal.

43

MGG201W/1

FEEDBACK
In most families there are some skeletons in the cupboard. These are family secrets that continue to influence the younger generations in some way. For example, the adult daughter of an alcoholic may have developed adaptive patterns during childhood in order to cope with the unpredictable behaviour of the parent. The patterns are carried through into her own family after marriage and she finds that she is over-sensitive and overreacts to any conflict situation. Her nuclear family adjusts by avoiding conflict. It can be seen that the previous generation has a profound impact on her family and beyond, influencing her children's way of dealing with conflict in their families. Other examples of stressors may include values issues such as disallowing partnerships with a samesex person, or a person of a different religious or ethnic group. Stressors may transfer attitudes about ways to deal with medical problems or crises. For example, some families refuse to accept depression as an illness that requires treatment, or some refuse to accept epilepsy as an illness, believing instead that the sufferer has been bewitched. Vertical stressors appear to be an invisible force, brought into the relationship without the couple being aware of their dynamics, especially because each of them was born into and influenced by different families of origin.

ACTIVITY
Reflect on your immediate family and identify the horizontal stressors that have impacted on the family over time. Divide these into normal developmental crises and idiosyncratic stresses.

FEEDBACK
You may notice that some of these crises are fairly small in relation to others. At these stressor points, the couple has to realign their relationship to accommodate the changes. The way the couple are able to work together to deal with the stressor, or crisis, is important. Wallerstein (1995) identified that couples who are able to transcend these crises usually display the following behaviours and attitudes: . They maintain perspective and usually try to understand what impact the stressor will have on their relationship and other family members. . They avoid blaming one another for the crisis. . They make a conscious effort to try to have fun to dissipate their tension. . They do not feel persecuted and helpless. . They take action and find ways to tackle the problem, such as seeking counselling or speaking to the supportive extended family. Carter and McGoldrick (1989:8) suggest that if a family experiences a certain amount of stress on both axes simultaneously, a crisis often follows. Brown and Brown (2002:11) propose that the level of stress on both axes is much greater for couples today than for those of past generations. Human rights movements, an increasing divorce rate and the technological revolution have had an overwhelming impact on committed relationships, placing them under more strain. To

44
be of maximum assistance to couples in crisis, helpers should not just consider the event that precipitated the crisis, but rather be open to exploring information about relationship patterns transmitted through previous generations and the struggles that they had to contend with as well.

2.2.3 Carter and McGoldrick's family life cycle model

The stages that Carter and McGoldrick (1989) identified as points of transition in the family life cycle are: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) the the the the the the unattached young adult newly married system family with young children family with adolescents launching and empty nest family in later life

A detailed review of each of stage follows. The stages are discussed under the following headings: the fundamental changes that families are required to make at each stage; the secondary tasks that they have to accomplish; some important clinical considerations that should be borne in mind when working with families in each life cycle phase; a locally specific perspective on that life cycle phase. Applying the family life cycle approach to South African families is a challenge. There are many different cultures and ethnic groups, all undergoing their own transformations as a result of modernisation and globalisation. Each family is likely to experience the stages of this life cycle approach slightly differently. The views of a group of final-year Social Work students and the literature on South African ethnic groups were consulted to offer encouragement to students to develop a broader conceptualisation of this approach than the textbook version. It is necessary for each student to critique the family life cycle approach in terms of your experiences of your own families within your own communities. Your feedback will provide us with an interesting collection of ideas that could be combined to develop a more Afrocentric family life cycle.

2.2.3.1 Stage 1: the unattached young adult

This stage is characterised by a single young adult leaving home in order to establish himself or herself as an independent adult. The successful achievement of the tasks characteristic of this stage depends largely on the degree, quality and completeness of the young adult's relationships with parents, siblings and extended family members while growing up. This stage may be referred to as the young unattached adult who is between families, that is, between his or her family of origin and the formation of a new nuclear family through marriage or pairing off. It suggests a period of separateness, of focusing on his or her own

45

MGG201W/1

development, and being independent before committing to a partner. This stage implies that both autonomy and attachment are functional adult goals for this age group.

(a) Key principle of the emotional transition of the unattached adult

This is the time where the young adult takes time to formulate personal life goals and becomes a ``self'' before joining with another to become a couple. The young adult has to deal with newfound independence generated from separation from the family of origin. The key principles of this stage include: . acceptance of emotional responsibility for self . acceptance of financial responsibility for self

(b) Second-order changes that have to be accomplished

This is a time where the young adult has to decide what he or she wants to take away or leave behind from the family of origin, or what he wishes to create for him or herself. One would expect to see the following changes: . The family start to recognise the young adult as a separate individual where parents and the young adult begin to relate to one another on an adult to adult basis. The young adult discovers who he or she is outside of the narrow confines of the family identity. The self is experienced as a separate person in relation to the original family, parents, siblings, and extended family members. . The young adult generalises the need for intimacy and begins to seek out suitable relationships outside the family of origin that provide feelings of attachment and belonging. Intimacy is understood to mean the ability to develop and maintain close relationships that can endure hard times and challenges. In intimate relationships the young adult learns about commitment, commonality or similarity, compatibility, attachment and shared emotion. . The young adult becomes productive in the sense of finding and establishing himself or herself in a suitable career or productive work so as to be financially self-reliant. The person explores new interests and becomes responsible for his or her own health. Developing healthy habits at this time, such as good nutrition, regular exercise and safe sex practices, is important for lifelong good health and happiness. The parents have to be mindful of letting go of control and power, while continuing to offer support and connection. They begin to expect the young adult to be financially responsible, and work out how to achieve a balance between gifts and loans. The family of origin respects the residential privacy of the young adult by not just dropping in without a prior appointment. The person is encouraged to furnish and care for his or her home in the way that he or she sees fit. Equally difficult is the development of a measure of tolerance regarding the young adult's choice

46 of intimate relationships. Because a parent's love for a child is so powerful, they may find it very difficult to let go of the adult child. It is difficult to believe that someone else will love their child as completely as they do. It is no wonder that the partner of the adult child is carefully scrutinised and handled with caution before being accepted into the fold. The young adult strives to commit himself or herself to some career path or occupation, and begins to find it increasingly difficult to turn to parents and other relatives for advice at this point. The family of origin has to learn to separate their own expectations and personal issues regarding achievement from their offspring's.

(c) Clinical considerations

Robert Aylmer in Carter and McGoldrick (1989) identifies three unhelpful patterns characteristic of some families within this life phase. They are enmeshment, cutoff and triangles. ``Enmeshment is a pattern of over involvement among family members, which can range from too frequent telephone contact to total symbiotic fusion'' (Carter & McGoldrick, 1989:203). This pattern stunts the young person's psychological and emotional development. The young person finds that he or she is smothered by the family and becomes cut off from the community at a time when he or she should be developing new committed relationships. ``Cutoff is a family pattern characterised by extreme disengagement and distance, to the point of no involvement at all'' (Carter & McGoldrick, 1989:203). Cutoff can occur very suddenly as a result of one extreme conflict between the young adult and one or more members of the family of origin. The anger and bitterness experienced is too difficult to bear. In some instances, the conflict may be more gradual, something that happens over years, or is carried over from previous generations. Cutoffs result in feelings of alienation and aloneness, leaving the young adult feeling hollow, or vulnerable, as he or she forfeits the support needed to transcend the crises characteristic of this life phase. The term triangle is used to describe the situation ``in which two members are (overly) close and one is (overly) distant'' (Carter & McGoldrick,1989:203). A triangle may prevent the young adult from developing realistic appraisals and forming meaningful complementary relationships with other family members. For example, the mother may be extremely close to her adult son and the father very distant. The mother and son spend time together, plan outings and pursue common interests, and the father is excluded. The helper coaches the family to develop relationships that provide the young adult with both autonomy and support. The three corrective interventions mentioned by Aylmer (in Carter & McGoldrick, 1989) are detriangling, increasing person-to-person contact, reversal and reconnecting. The young adult may be coached to detriangle, in other words, helped to balance relationships by deliberately relating to the distant or

47

MGG201W/1

difficult family member rather than the one he or she was close to. Facilitating person-to-person contact is self-explanatory and can be achieved by encouraging behavioural responses such as letter writing, acknowledging the distant parent's contribution to the young adult's life, or increasing personal time between members of a family so that they share more leisure time together. Reversals are achieved by deliberately behaving contrary to the family of origin's expectations. The young adult may be encouraged to ask advice of a younger or scapegoated family member, or be encouraged to respond with humour to criticism instead of reacting defensively. Reconnecting may be achieved by urging the young adult to re-establish family relationships by writing to or contacting extended family members to ask for genogram information. They may even be encouraged to visit relatives that they have never seen before.

(d) A locally specific perspective

Fifty final-level Social Work students registered at Unisa provided feedback to their lecturer on their experience of the family life cycle (Schenk, 2003). Most students were black females, living in urban or semiurban areas. As black females they reported that few of them ever leave home. They are expected to stay with their families until marriage, when they move to the home of their in-laws. They are seldom free to do what they want, and seldom experience independence as described by Carter and McGoldrick (1989). Their parents supervise them, and are largely involved in making decisions regarding their lives, until their marriage. After marriage they are expected to be supervised by their husbands and in-laws. During their time as young adult females at home, they assume the responsibilities of performing household chores and caring for younger siblings. On earning an income they remain living in the family home and supplement the family income, unless their work relocates them to another town. Few considered their salaries as theirs alone. Some students indicated that boyfriends and girlfriends are not introduced to parents until they propose, or are ready to negotiate lobola (payment negotiated by the elders to demonstrate the goodwill of the groom's family towards the bride). Students reported that little preparation for sex and relationships was received from parents. Elion and Strieman (2001:32) explain that traditionally this preparation was part of the initiation rituals that marked the rites of passage of males and females into manhood and womanhood. Males would expect to be circumcised and counselled on the responsibilities of adulthood during the initiation period. This would last between two weeks to a month. It would take place in specially built huts in the mountains or a forest. Initiates were advised by experienced elders on issues pertaining to the expectations of males in the community. Special gifts of new blankets and blackened sticks (iminqayi) for stick fighting were presented to them before they set off. A father would decide when his son was physically and emotionally mature enough to take part in this ritual. Often it would be delayed until the young man was able to contribute to the expenses of the costly ritual. Zulu people discontinued

48 the practice of male initiation in favour of military organisation during the reign of King Shaka (Elion & Strieman, 2001:44). The female Zulu initiation ritual was known as Umemulo and was expected to happen between the ages of 12 to 18 years. Venda women were expected to attend traditional initiation schools where they would be informed about rituals of womanhood and female sexuality. At the end of this initiation process the girls would perform a special final dance, the Domba, with the king in attendance. He was permitted to choose an additional wife from those who performed the Domba.

2.2.3.2 Stage 2: the joining of families through marriage

Forming a new couple is a stage that is characterised by tremendous feelings of hope, optimism and joy, as presented in fairy-tale endings where, ``they all lived happily ever after''. Sadly, this fairy-tale expectation seldom prepares couples for the adjustments and rearrangements that they will be required to make in their lives. ``Marriage requires that two people renegotiate together a myriad of issues that they have previously defined individually, or that were defined by their families of origin, such as when and how to eat, sleep, talk, have sex, fight, work, and relax'' (Carter & McGoldrick, 1989:209). When two people join to form a new family system, they have to define their new family's blueprint. Each brings their personal ideas, expectations and values as shaped by their experiences and relationships with their original families. Together they form a new family blueprint. The couple realise that decisions cannot be made on an individual basis and that they have to resolve conflicts in order to develop their own goals and values, and decide on the rituals and traditions they will practise in this `'new family'' system. These differences need to be accommodated in a synergistic way. The couple take their different points of view and create new, mutually satisfying options that neither person had considered previously.

(a) Key principle of the emotional transition of the new couple

At this stage, the couple commits to a new family system and has to decide on a whole range of matters. They develop their own ways of relating to and dealing with the myriad aspects of family life. People mostly tend to use their experiences of their own families of origin, and adjustment is generally less problematic when they have shared similar experiences of family life. It has been found that couples who have had similar family-of-origin experiences have been found to enjoy more satisfying relationships than those who have not (Wilcoxon & Hovestadt in Lauer & Lauer, 1994:369) because their perceptions of families are similar and they agree more about the model of family life they want. Some couples who have shared similar backgrounds may make a conscious decision to opt for a different model of family life because they are uncomfortable with the family life they experienced in their families of origin. An example of this would be a couple who both had

49

MGG201W/1

parents who abused substances. They make a conscious decision not to use alcohol or drugs in order to protect their family members from the hurt that they had experienced. In this phase the central task appears to be ``how to form an intimate union without each person losing their personal identity''.

(b) Second order changes that have to be accomplished

. Formation of a marital system At this point, one expects couples' relationship strengths to be at their highest level. The couple are able to disclose their feelings, have relatively little to worry about, trust and confide in each other, share similar beliefs and values, have respect for and pride in each other, and have fewer conflicts (Olson & McCubbin in Lauer & Lauer, 1994:368). These positives are most likely to be attributed to the romanticisation of the attraction between the two partners. However, as life becomes more complicated, and the couple have to start to negotiate on more and more issues and settle on a whole new blueprint for the new family, the joys of the honeymoon fade. . Realignment of relationships with extended families and friends to include the spouse. Carter and McGoldrick (1989) explain that marriage is often misunderstood as a joining of two individuals rather than the changing and/or overlapping of two entire systems to develop a third subsystem. Marriage shifts the relationship from a private coupling to a formal joining of two families, thereby creating the ``third'' family. The couple need to establish a boundary around the new subsystem, so as to protect it from threats such as in-laws becoming too intrusive, their inability to assert themselves with their extended family members, and their difficulties in forming adequate connections with the extended family members. Marriage symbolises a change in status among family members, and therefore a couple has to rearrange relationships with parents, siblings, grandparents, nieces and nephews, friends, uncles and aunts and cousins, as a twosome. One expects neither enmeshment with, nor total disengagement from significant others, but that the couple achieve independence from their families, while still maintaining close, caring ties.

(c) Issues in marital adjustment

Carter and McGoldrick (1989:231) suggest that it is possible to predict problematic marital adjustment in the presence of the following: 1 The couple meets or marries shortly after a significant loss. 2 One person's wish to distance from their family of origin is a factor in the marriage. 3 The family backgrounds of each spouse are significantly different (religion, education, social class, ethnicity, the ages of the partners, and the like).

50 4. The spouses come from incompatible sibling constellations. For example, they are both the eldest children in their families, or they are both the youngest. It is better for an eldest child to marry a youngest child, as those roles are more complementary. 5. The couple resides either extremely close to or at a great distance from the families of origin. 6. The couple is dependent on one or other extended family, financially, physically, or emotionally. 7. The couple marries before the age of 20. 8. The couple marries after an acquaintanceship of less than six months or an engagement of more than three years. 9. The wedding occurs without family or friends being present. 10. The wife becomes pregnant before or within the first year of marriage. 11. Either spouse has a poor relationship with his or her siblings or parents. 12. Either spouse considers his or her childhood or adolescence an unhappy time. 13. Marital patterns in either extended family were unstable.

(d) Clinical considerations Fusion versus intimacy

In some instances people hope that by forming an intimate relationship with another person, the relationship will bring happiness and improve their self-esteem. In these instances, people fail to see the difference between seeking fusion (joining together of two individuals to become one) and intimacy or closeness. Sadly, women appear more likely to seek fusion, whereas many men tend to be threatened by intimacy. In some relationships, male partners expect their wives to fuse with their identities. They fight against their partners developing identities that are different or separate from their own. Their wives' independence poses a threat to their self-esteem. An interesting observation made by Bowen, as cited by Carter and McGoldrick (1989:212), is that it is common for living-together relationships to be harmonious, and for fusion symptoms only to develop when the living-together couples finally get married. Carter and McGoldrick (1989) assert that failure to appreciate or allow for the differences in the other person comes from never really having become emotionally independent of one's parents.

Unrealistic expectations of each other and marriage

People may achieve healthy premarital relationships, characterised by balanced autonomy and intimacy, but once married they find their relationship sours. Often this is because the couple's definition of marriage becomes burdensome. The words ``husband'' and ``wife'' seem to carry associations of heavy responsibility for each other, rather than to each other, that were not present before marriage.

51

MGG201W/1

In-laws
Frequently, tensions within relationships are blamed on the in-laws. Such in-law conflicts provide invaluable clues about the nature of the problems that the couple has. A mother-in-law may be very critical of her son's wife, accusing her of trying to sever the ``close'' relationship between her and her son, when in reality she is struggling to deal with her son's withdrawal from her.

Same-sex couples
Whilst lesbian and gay couples experience many of the challenges highlighted in this life phase, they also have to deal with issues that are unique to same-sex pairing. Firstly, they do not as yet enjoy the legal protection commonly associated with marriage, such as the Marital Property Act 129:88 of 1984, nor the legal status afforded to a marital partner when the other partner is incapacitated through illness or an accident. Secondly, there is no set of socially prescribed rituals to support and guide couple functioning (Brown & Brown, 2002:250). As pointed out by McGoldrick, they do not have the benefit of formal marriage or divorce to punctuate the transitions in their relationships (Carter & McGoldrick, 1989). Their bonding requires special effort on their part, if they want to receive social recognition for the developmental transitions of their relationship. The absence of a formal wedding ceremony suggests that there are few, if any, rituals to mark the couple's rites of passage. If there is a ceremony to mark this transition, Brown and Brown (2002:250) remind us that it is seldom supported by both partners' families and friends. Thirdly, where the extended family is extremely negative toward the couple for whatever reason, the couple have to work extremely hard, over time, to build bridges for family closeness. They have less chance of other life cycle transitions creating shifts in the family relationships, such as the birth of grandchildren, that often help to bring the isolated couple back together with the family of origin again. Often the announcement of a person's choice of a gay or lesbian lifestyle divides the family, resulting in the gay or lesbian person forfeiting family contact. It may be too difficult for the person to have to deal with the disapproval of different family members. Brown and Brown (2002:250) suggest that this may even lead to the same-sex couple experiencing stress in their relationships with work colleagues, friends, religious groups and so forth, as they attempt to keep their relationship a secret out of fear of experiencing similar reactions from others. All couples need the support of family and friends. The absence of such support places strain on a couple which compounds their stress of having to deal with the stigma related to homosexuality in a homophobic society. Some gay and lesbian couples keep their sexual orientation secret for fear of their career opportunities being jeopardised, such as in the instance of teachers or psychologists. Sadly, this often results in same-sex couples developing boundary problems with each other, in response to their families' or society's negative reactions to their couplehood. McGoldrick

52 in Carter and McGoldrick (1989) suggests that this may lead to having a secret identity or to fusion with others in the gay community and withdrawal from the straight world.

(e) A locally specific perspective

The social work students previously mentioned in the study undertaken by Schenk (2003) highlighted the following experiences pertaining to this stage of the life cycle: A few students referred to arranged marriages but concluded that these were the exception rather than the norm. Lobola was described as a significant ritual of this stage of the family life cycle because it earns community sanction. Failure to pay lobola results in the couple being stigmatised. After marriage, the wife moves in with her in-laws and renders assistance with all domestic chores. Marrying the youngest son implies that the bride will be expected to serve her inlaws forever. Marriage requires that the bride has to form relationships with her `'new'' family, who in turn are expected to make space for her. She is regarded as the ``makoti'' and is expected to fulfil all household chores. She puts her own family's norms and values aside for those of her `'new'' family, making this a challenging step in her life. It is commonly expected that she will have to stay in this family until death, or else stand to lose the respect and protection of the ancestral spirits. Many of the students mentioned that the young woman enters marriage with at least one child and hence it can be seen that the new couple has to deal simultaneously with the developmental tasks of at least two life cycle stages. In Zulu and Xhosa culture, the woman is expected to be subservient to her husband. In traditional homes this would be symbolised by the man having a special stool to sit on while the woman sits on a grass mat, representing her lesser status. Muslim marriages used to be arranged, but now most are love matches. The khitbah is the public engagement where the girl is asked before her parents and others whether she accepts the proposal or not. Mostly, an engagement ring and watch are exchanged between the prospective bride and groom. The wedding is a big affair as many members of the Muslim community assist with the preparations, and give generously to ensure that the wedding will be successful. The wedding is marked by a religious ceremony held in a mosque, attended by the groom, the fathers, grandfathers and uncles of the two families. It is known as the Nikah. The groom is expected to pay a dowry to the bride in the form of gold and/or money. Without paying this dowry to the bride, the marriage is not considered valid. The Walimah is the celebration that follows and provides the opportunity for the groom to place the wedding ring on his wife's finger in the presence of the guests. Hindus do not have any engagement ceremony. The families of the prospective bride and groom finalise their intention to join the young couple. This ceremony is known as Nichaya Tharta. Two

53

MGG201W/1

months before the wedding, a day is set aside to honour Lord Ganesh and a wedding invitation is placed in the bride and groom's homes for all to see. The wedding ceremony is a grand affair, lasting for a whole day. After the wedding the bride returns to her mother's house where she is given a ``God'' lamp to take to her to her new home. Her in-laws dress her in the best of her wedding outfits and she bids farewell to her home. She moves into the home of her mother-in-law where she is expected to assist and serve.

(f) Clinical interventions

The young couple may need to be helped to confront their unrealistic expectations about love, marriage and intimacy. Psychoeducation pertaining to gender differences in communication and the expression of intimacy may be helpful in correcting a couple's unrealistic expectations. Common unrealistic expectations pertaining to love and marriage were summarised in the first theme.

Exploration of unresolved issues dating back to the couple's family of origin

Object relations and psychoanalytic theories concentrate on assisting the couple to understand their current conflicts as having their origins in the unresolved issues pertaining to the relationships with their families of origin. When a couple are enabled to resolve these relationship issues with their parents, they are freed to build a relationship with each other, be themselves and appreciate one another's differences.

Helping couples to realign their relationships

Marriage symbolises a change in status among all family members. In some instances some family members resist these changes, which causes much conflict for the couple who are attempting to develop their own family structure. As in the earlier life stage, a helper can assist the couple to identify which relationships have become enmeshed or disconnected. The couple may be helped to find ways to demonstrate their independence, while at the same time showing that they care and are still available to participate in and share family occasions. In the event of the parents not respecting the couple's independence, the couple may have to resort to drastic measures such as cutting off the relationship with the family of origin. Finally, the last measure would be to help the couple to define which contacts they can share with the family, what levels of closeness they can tolerate and what areas of conflict are unlikely to be resolved. Although the couple may not be able to change the problems, they can be helped to manipulate social situations in order to minimise the harmful effects that these situations have on them. The couple should have their own definition of who they are, and how they want their new family to be. Focusing on secondary issues or conflicts such as sex, money and leisure-time activities is not very productive unless the aforementioned issues have been resolved.

54

2.2.3.3 Stage 3: families with young children

The couple commits itself to an extra person or a few extra people in the family, and as a result, experiences many changes in the family system. The couple moves up a generation and becomes caretakers of a younger generation. They may find it challenging to balance the roles of mother and father with the roles of husband and wife, and it is postulated that this is the reason why this phase in the family life cycle has the highest rate of divorce. Many global trends are having an enormous impact on this developmental life cycle stage. Some of the global issues are: HIV/Aids; over-population; the dramatic increase in the number of women working outside of the home; the high divorce rate; reproductive technology; and the use of contraception and abortion. As men and women struggle to find employment opportunities which offer psychological and economic value, concern is raised about who should be caring for the children. Adults have to try to balance the demands of work against the responsibilities of creating a nurturing home for the offspring. Juggling work and relationship responsibilities is no easy challenge, as both work and home spheres exert pressure. Children always need positive interaction with loving adults. There have been prolific technological advances that make housework easier (for those who can afford them), parenting cannot be mechanised. Grandparents and older siblings seem to be left to perform this task in the absence of adequate childcare facilities. The timing of this life cycle phase has changed during the last decade or so. Couples in this life cycle phase have more choices available to them than those of previous eras. They can choose to have children when they are still young, before they tackle the challenges of climbing the career ladder. They may also choose to delay parenting until they are economically stable and have passed their most fertile period. Contraceptives allow couples to time, space and limit their offspring. With the freezing of ova, sperm and embryos, people who can afford these services can place the task of extending the family on hold for much longer. Reproductive technology has even made it possible for same-sex couples to incorporate children into their families. Lesbians have the right to be artificially inseminated by donors. Legalised abortion has impacted on the number of babies available for adoption, and transracial and international adoptions have become more prevalent, overruling the principle of placing babies with couples of the same ethnic group. Single people are able to adopt babies, as the world struggles to find carers for orphaned and abandoned children. As HIV/Aids ravishes nations, HIV-positive adults have to ask themselves if they ought to plan to have children in view of the medical risks of childbirth and pregnancy to the mother and babies. HIV-positive women who discover their HIV status during their pregnancy have to decide whether they should continue their pregnancies or have abortions. These are all values issues which cannot be taken lightly. The same issues have been responsible for changing the face of families in this life phase. The two-parent nuclear family, with children conceived by both parents, can hardly be called the norm these days.

55

MGG201W/1

Yet despite all these challenges, the need to have children remains a strong developmental task and, irrespective of the nature of the families the children are born into, this need places new demands on the parents, requiring certain adjustments to be made to their relationships.

(a) Key principle of the emotional transition of families with young children
This stage involves accepting the new members into the system. It is marked by the birth of one or more children, but this biological process presents psychological and social challenges that alter many things: work, friends, siblings, parents, use of leisure time, finances and so forth. The couple have to juggle all these things to make way for the new family members.

(b) Second-order changes that have to be accomplished

. Adjusting the marital system to make space for children Unless the couple have developed a relationship characterised by high levels of intimacy, it can be predicted that they will not be able to respond positively to the challenge of parenthood (Bradt in Carter & McGoldrick, 1986). Bradt defines intimacy as ``a caring relationship without pretence, revelation without risk of loss or gain by one or the other. It is giving and receiving, an exchange that enhances because it facilitates the awareness of selves, of their differences and sameness'' (Carter & McGoldrick, 1989:243). The introduction of a child into a relationship creates what is commonly referred to by family therapists as the nuclear-family triangle. The baby's arrival may draw one parent closer to the baby than the other partner, creating a distance between the couple. Usually it is the mother that develops the close relationship with the child. For some couples who are struggling with intimacy, the baby fulfils a desire for closeness with another. The couple hope to become connected to one another through their shared closeness with the child. If the only basis for their relationship is the shared relationship with the child, it is likely to cause problems for them later, when the child reaches a stage of moving on and leaving home. Partners may find that they are not able to devote as much time to nurturing one another as they were able to do before the birth of the baby. Lauer and Lauer (1996) suggest that men tend to be less happy during the stage of young children because they have to adjust to the increased attention and energy their wives give to the children, and/or there is a greater demand for them to share in the household work. Mothers' levels of satisfaction in marriage tends to dip at this stage, as they have to deal with the endless tasks of parenthood which rob them of opportunities to nurture themselves, let alone their partners. It is fairly common for women to become frustrated with their partners' reluctance to share family chores. The last few decades seem to be marked by a major shift in the extent to which fathers engage directly in the nurturing of their children. This should have a positive outcome

56 on children. We anticipate that the full benefits will be especially noticeable when these children become parents in the future. Certainly, in the first few months after the birth of a baby, there are endocrine shifts that are even more sudden than the hormonal shifts of puberty. These hormonal shifts are responsible for emotional changes and mood swings, making the new mother more sensitive to the responses of her partner, extended family and friends. Bradt in Carter and McGoldrick (1989:242) explains, ``Often the arrival of a baby begins an experience of feeling overlooked, isolated, and, especially for mother, overwhelmed with the greater complexity of tasks and relationships''. . Joining in child-rearing, financial and household tasks White (in Lauer & Lauer, 1994) suggests that a couple's level of agreement on these issues begins to decline at this stage. The couple have to negotiate reasonable consensus on a range of issues sparked by the arrival of children that they do not give consideration to beforehand, or fail to make explicit at the time the babies are planned. Issues such as ``How children should be disciplined?'', ``What is the preferred family size?'', ``Should a mother with a small baby work?'', ``How should the tasks in the home be shared when the baby arrives?'', ``How should leisure time be spent, and with whom?'', ``How much money should be spent or saved for the baby?'' all need clarification. The sudden increase in tasks as a result of reaching the stage of families with young children reduces the time available for meaningful conversation and dialogue. Meaningful conversation and dialogue are both critical to the development of intimacy. . Realignment of relationships with extended family to include parenting and grandparenting roles The arrival of a child results in all family members moving up one notch on the relationship system, for example from parent to grandparent, from brother to uncle, from sister to aunt, from husband and wife to mother and father. Ideally the extended family offers the nuclear family the support it needs without overlooking the young parents' need for autonomy and privacy. In some instances, previously strained or distant relationships between parents and their adult children may be replaced with closeness and involvement when grandchildren arrive, bringing both generations together to create a network of support for the new young ones. This is the stage when older, middle and younger generations provide one another with a sense of membership and belonging. Grandparents often revel in the pleasure of being able to offer support, without the responsibility of having to define limits and carry out discipline. Problems arise when the decisions or limits set by parents are overlooked or ignored by doting grandparents. Similarly, tensions arise when one set of grandparents, in their eagerness to enjoy time with their grandchildren, fails to allow the other set of grandparents equal opportunities to do the same. Grandparents who are not mindful of their place, and wish to dominate the new family,

57

MGG201W/1

place tremendous pressure on the couple. They leave their adult child stuck in the middle, between themselves and the adult child's partner. Most people find it difficult to oppose parents who have made sacrifices for their wellbeing. Yet a partner expects that his or her position should always be supported as a sign of loyalty to the nuclear family, because at this life stage grandparents should have less of a say. Certainly in modern culture, one expects the relationship between the grandparents and parents to be more like those of peers. One anticipates that they should be relatively free of power and authority struggles. Grandparents who expect their child's loyalty to be greater to themselves than to the son or daughter in law can destabilise the marital relationship.

(c) Clinical considerations Maintaining the couple relationship

Addressing the need for intimacy in permanent relationships is paramount. Intimacy braces the couple for the challenges that inevitably accompany parenthood. Each partner needs to discover the kinds of caring activities their partner requires in the relationship in order to feel sustained. The couple should reflect on the amount of time that they can exclusively reserve for one another, and identify those family members who can assist them with caring for the children during these times. Time should be devoted to sharing pleasurable leisure-time activities to help dissipate the tension that builds up. The couple may need to try many different activities until they find mutually satisfying ones. These should include joint fun activities and congenial conversation.

In-laws
Keech (1993) stresses that it is the husband's or wife's responsibility to loosen the tight immature bond with parents and replace it with an adultto-adult relationship. Sadly, in many instances the adult child may not see that the parents are making unrealistic demands on him or her, as well as on the spouse. The couple can be helped to recognise that some unwelcome instructions, criticisms and advice may just be ignored. They may become more independent of the parents by not accepting as many gifts, or as much financial assistance or services from the interfering inlaws. When they accept these, the in-laws are given a greater incentive to remain involved in their lives, to the extent that their interference may continue to disrupt the couple's harmony. The couple need to accept that turning to their parents after arguments may cause problems later. Their complaints to their parents may be exaggerated in the heat of the moment, but will seldom be forgotten or ignored by loving parents. Interestingly too, references that a spouse is ``just like his or her parent'' tend to add a highly explosive slant to a couple's argument. The couple need to agree that criticisms of either partner are best made without bringing in comparisons of in-laws.

58

The child-focused family

When there is an overinvestment in a parent-child relationship, the family seems to exclude itself from relationships outside the family. A growing distance between the members of the couple becomes more evident. The child appears to fill the vacuum in at least one parent's life. The parent's attention is focused on the child and his or her problems, and not on the couple's relationship. The couple successfully divert each other from addressing the deeper or unsymbolised issues in their relationship. It is important that these issues are brought to the fore and resolved if they hope to be able to launch the child as a young adult one day. The child's concerns should be placed within the context of the multigenerational family relationships and friendships, and only seen in this broader context. The family can be helped to consider who and what, in this broader system, can bring about a desired change. They should be encouraged to reflect on the historical and contemporary stresses that are affecting their family. Most couples do not recognise that they internalise stress over long periods of time and that there are many couple issues that have caused concern or been avoided over the years. The helper encourages the couple to consider the vertical and horizontal stresses that impact on the family. Insight generates change.

Balancing roles and responsibilities

Responsibilities need to be readjusted between the couple when children arrive into the family. The couple may explore one another's ideas of what they believe to be their duties as wife or husband. They learn that what they were brought up to accept as universal may actually be in stark contrast to what they, as rational adults of a new generation, now believe to be sensible (Keech 1993). House maintenance, providing meals, managing the finances, arranging a social life, supervising children, furnishing the home, creating an orderly environment are all tasks that have to be undertaken. Unfortunately, many arguments ensue about exactly who should be responsible for these. Keech provides a useful system to help families resolve conflict around these issues. She calls it the ``Six T System''. It entails weighing up the following six indicators of who qualifies to do the allocated tasks. The couple use tradition, time available, talent, taking it in turns, trading and told to as tools to help them allocate the chores. Some old-fashioned habits still suit some modern couples. For instance, many families still feel comfortable accepting that men should be the breadwinners, or be responsible for the heavy maintenance jobs around the home, and that women should attend to the everyday running of the household. In these instances, the couple may consider what is traditionally considered as men and women's work, and use this as a way of allocating roles to one another. The next option is to consider who has the time to take on extra tasks. For example when a baby is born, the performance of routine tasks may need to be reviewed. The new mother has additional responsibilities and less time available. Her partner might take over a few of her responsibilities. In some situations talent may determine who should be allocated a

59

MGG201W/1

particular task, so long as this does not allow one person to be taken advantage of. A person may be an excellent carer, but this does not guarantee that he or she will be an excellent cook. A person who is passionately interested in food may enjoy using that talent in the home, even though he or she is also the breadwinner. Some routine tasks may be shared by developing a roster or rota system. This works well if persons are allocated short spells of being on duty. Trading works well when two partners come to some agreement about who will do what through a reciprocal exchange such as, ``If you do this, I will do that.'' Training young children to become independent and cooperative in the home will involve telling them what to do. If ``pack away toys'', ``take your plate to the kitchen'', ``set the table'' are started in the early years of childhood, they are accepted as the norm, rather than considered to be personal affronts. My colleague Cathy Haselau, who is in private practice, suggests that one should add an additional ``T'': trying out the chores. After experimenting with some of them, members of the family may find that they actually enjoy them.

(d) A locally specific perspective

The Social Work students providing feedback of their experiences of this stage of the family life cycle (Schenk, 2003) pointed out that there were many different beliefs around the birth of a child. In some instances a woman was expected to go back to her family of origin so that the baby would be born there. This would ensure that the new mother and grandchild would be cared for by the grandmother, until the baby was three months old. In this situation, the young father is given little or no role to play. The woman remains indoors for this period so as to protect the baby from evil spirits. She enjoys the support of the extended family, who take an active role in caring for her and her baby. The father in most situations was considered as the head of the household and is not expected to get involved in child-rearing and household chores. Where students reported that they had babies born out of wedlock, they expected the young children to be included into any future marriage, even if the husband was not the biological father of the child. Grandparents were seen to participate actively in raising their grandchildren and socialising them to adopt family values and traditions. The role of ancestral spirits should not be overlooked in African families. They ensure that harmony prevails in each home. When the ancestors are displeased about something, they indicate their displeasure by creating ``symptoms'' that are easily identified as illness or misfortune that strikes either an individual or the whole family. Animal sacrifice, usually a white goat sacrificed with a sacred assegai a few weeks after a birth, introduces the new infant to the clan and the ancestors. The father or grandfather addresses the child for the ancestors to hear. It is believed that the child will encounter problems later in life if the ritual is not performed. The umbilical cord (inkaba) is preserved until an older

60 woman of the clan can bury it in a secret place, at the ancestral home. In some clans a tree may be planted to mark the site. The planting of the tree reinforces the symbolism of the cyclical connections between the spiritual, human and natural worlds. Naming the baby is an important Hindu rite of passage. A child is given an individual name to symbolise his or her qualities as determined by careful astrological and spiritual readings. The family relies on the help of a learned person who provides them with a choice of three letters, from which they are expected to choose one to be the first letter of the baby's name. The letters are associated with planets that are prominent in the natal chart. Special offerings and prayers are directed to Lord Ganesh among Gujarati people. Other communities make offerings and say prayers to other deities. In Muslim families, the birth of a baby calls for a special traditional naming ceremony on the seventh day after the birth. Male children are circumcised as soon as possible by medical doctors. The first words a Muslim baby should hear are the name of Allah and the call to prayer. Something sweet is put into the baby's mouth and a lock of the baby's hair is cut. It is obligatory for parents to slaughter two sheep or goats for the naming of a boy, or one sheep or goat for the naming of a girl. A portion of the slaughtered meat is distributed to the poor. The baby is usually named after the prophets mentioned in the Qu'ran or a devout person.

2.2.3.4 Stage 4: families with adolescents

When children reach puberty, they experience a range of physical, emotional and social changes. Stress at this family life stage is almost inevitable because the family has to balance the individual needs of the adolescent with the needs of the other family members. This stage of the life cycle resembles the same level of stress one encounters when trying to cross a busy road during peak traffic time. One can never be sure that one will safely make it to the other side. Cars come at one from all angles. Preto (in Carter & McGoldrick, 1984) explains that this developmental phase marks profound shifts across three generations. There are changes in the adolescent's physical and intellectual maturity, changes in the parents who are entering middle age, and major changes faced by grandparents as their health deteriorates. The intersection of turmoil impacts on each generation and the family as a whole, making this stage the most stressful of all according to Olson and McCubbin (in Lauer & Lauer, 1994).

(a) Key principle of the emotional process of transition of families with adolescents
The family increases the flexibility of its boundaries to permit the independence of the children and accommodate grandparents' frailties. Despite the confusion and disruption experienced by the different generations, most families are able to redefine their relationships. They

61

MGG201W/1

provide the adolescent with the required independence and autonomy, redefine the meaning of their adult lives as adults in middle age, and offer support and assistance to the grandparents who have to forfeit much of their independence as a result of frailty. The family boundaries are more permeable, and the adolescents open the family up to a range of new ideas and values, as new friends and influences are brought into the family. Parents are on hand to offer support when the adolescents cannot deal with things on their own. They provide the adolescents with sufficient space to experiment with increasing independence as and when the adolescents indicate that they are ready for this. The relationships that the adolescent develops with the extended family and grandparents are more independent, and less likely to be initiated by parents.

(b) Second-order changes that have to be accomplished

. Shifting of parent/child relationships to permit adolescent to move into and out of system Adolescents gradually become more responsible for their own decision making, secure in the knowledge that they still have access to parental guidance. Instead of tightening the reins and becoming more controlling to prevent conflict in the home, parents have to be more permissive, yet not so permissive that they are experienced as emotionally withdrawn. Conflict between different family members is typical as each person has to assert himself or herself against the narcissistic tendencies of the adolescent. The parents constantly strive to find new solutions for family conflicts. The adolescent undergoes physical and intellectual changes. He or she is bigger, more adult-like in appearance, has the capacity to engage in sexual behaviour and reproduce, and can think and reason independently. The family is expected to accommodate these changes. New rights and responsibilities for the developing teenager are established in the home. This places the adolescent in a less dependent and more mature position, not only in the family, but also in broader society. Communication problems tend to be more serious at this stage. Parents and adolescents complain that they do not understand each other. There are more clashes about the adolescent not being responsible about performing household chores and failure to accept the adolescent's friends, and these have to be resolved against the background of more financial concerns, because it is at this period that the cost of raising a child peaks. . Refocus on midlife marital and career issues During this time many adults become preoccupied with their own ageing process and health issues, and develop an awareness that the options for a different future at that point in their lives are limited. For some, there is the realisation that their marriage is stale and thwarts their ability to grow or to enjoy the excitement of life.

62 Lauer and Lauer (1994) discuss four midlife challenges and concerns that were identified by Levinson. Firstly, parents in this group become concerned with their mortality. They realise that life is limited and death will come to them in the future. For some, there may be a desperate bid to put this off as they drastically alter their dress sense, exercise regimes, diet and behaviour patterns. Some resort to plastic surgery in an effort to keep looking young. Secondly, there is the concern that involves destructive and creative tendencies. People tend to want to make a positive contribution to the world in which they live during their lifetime. They do not wish to feel that their lives have been wasted. This generates a sense of restlessness for people during this life stage, as they may fear that time is running out and they have no legacy to leave behind. Thirdly, there is the shift in sex-role orientations. Levinson asserts that, ``many men become more nurturing, more expressive, and more invested in their relationships than they were in the past'' (Lauer & Lauer, 1994:373). Women on the other hand may appear to be more impatient, assertive and even aggressive as they focus on their own needs and development. The fourth concern is the parent's need to be attached to and yet separate from the social environment: attached in the sense of being involved with it, but separate in the sense of retaining their own thoughts and identity and addressing questions such as ``What do I really want?'', ``What is really important for me?'', ``How do I want to live in future?'' . Beginning shift toward caring for older generation Grandparents may face retirement and possible moves, illness and death. Parents may need to become the caretakers of their own parents, or at least play a more active role in supporting them, as they address the losses that accompany old age.

(c) Clinical considerations Supporting the adolescent as he or she negotiates the tasks of this developmental phase
The adolescent is often confronted by conflicting social expectations about sex roles and norms of behaviour that are imposed by family, school, peers and the media. Physical and sexual changes experienced have a dramatic impact on how adolescents describe and evaluate themselves, and the way they think others perceive them. Adolescents should be able to cope with these changes if they are in a family environment which, firstly, encourages them to express their experiences and dilemmas without necessarily attracting adult advice about how these should be handled. Secondly, there should be a certain amount of flexibility on the part of the parents and other significant people, and they should display their trust in the adolescents' ability to be responsible about negotiating and balancing all the expectations of them. Thirdly, the adults should treat them with patience and refrain from ridiculing them as they experiment with new hairstyles, clothes and roles.

63

MGG201W/1

Reactivation of unresolved emotional issues

Several relationship dynamics are triggered by the adolescent's demands. Because the adolescent's demands are so strong, they often act as catalysts and reactivate emotional issues that the family have ignored over time. An adolescent's ``acting out'' behaviour may trigger marital conflict between parents, or uncover the family's unresolved issues with their families of origin that have never been mentioned before. As an example, a headstrong teenager was not prepared for what happened when she ignored the curfew imposed by her parents. On her return home, in the early hours of the morning, she found her mother weeping and completely irrational. She could not understand how her decision to disobey her parents' instruction to be home by midnight could create such pandemonium in the household. A few days later she learnt from her mother that when her mother was her age, she had fallen pregnant and her parents had made her put her baby up for adoption. Until then, this had remained a closely guarded family secret.

The formation of relationship triangles

These triangles tend to involve the following combinations of individuals: the adolescent, the mother and the father; the adolescent, a parent and a grandparent; the adolescent, a parent and a sibling; or the adolescent, a parent and the adolescent's friends. Triangles create all kinds of emotional stressors. They highlight issues of inclusion and closeness, or exclusion and distance. By supporting her adolescent son, a mother may create distance between herself and her husband. Triangles offer clues about how family members fulfil or fail to fulfil one another's needs. They highlight the family coalitions that are in operation and which may be responsible for swaying family decisions, sometimes at the emotional expense of the family as a whole.

Vertical coping patterns re-emerge

The family is more likely to copy patterns of relating evident in one of the parents' families of origin, if not both. Family members react to the new stressors according to the extent to which they were previously subjected to them. As an illustration, the mother whose adolescent son develops a substance abuse problem will react more emotionally to the situation if she was subjected to the substance abuse of one of her parents, during her childhood. Even the substance abuse may be considered by system theorists as a vertical coping pattern, handed down from one generation to the next. In the teenager's struggle to assert his independence from his parents, he resorts to the one act that he knows they have no power to control: his drinking. This might have been the same coping mechanism used by his maternal grandfather who wanted to go to work in the mines, in defiance of his parents. Battered by the stress of having to deal with his inappropriate drinking in the small community, the grandfather's parents were eventually only too relieved to see him go away to the mines.

64

(d) A locally specific perspective

The Unisa students referred to in Schenk (2003) revealed that as young girls they were overprotected by their parents. Most were not prepared by their mothers for their sexual development. Instead, they received their preparation from older sisters, friends or the media. In early times they would have attended initiation schools, where older, respected members of their communities would have given them invaluable lifeskills training about marriage, culture and the tasks and roles they were expected to fill. No one in the class had attended an initiation school. The students spoke of their increased responsibility for caring for younger siblings and attending to household tasks in their families during this life phase, but they did not highlight the issue of child-headed households which is so prevalent in South Africa. The growth of child-headed households seems to be proportionate to the growing incidence of HIV/ Aids in our communities. Adolescent children are reported to be expected to drop out of school to help support their families financially, or take care of younger siblings, in the absence of parents. Their lack of skills makes it difficult for them to succeed. In a study conducted with kinship carers in 2002, carers explained that they were appointed by their families to care for their deceased siblings' children and had to forfeit opportunities for education and employment. If they did not care for these children, there was no one else who could (Petty, 2002).

(e) Clinical interventions

The problems presented by families with adolescents vary in severity and duration. Problems presented by the adolescent such as truanting, the onset of schizophrenia, psychosomatic illnesses, eating disorders, depression, suicidal behaviour, delinquency, substance abuse, running away and impulsive behaviour are not uncommon. Usually these are the issues that bring the family for counselling, rather than the second-order changes identified by Carter and McGoldrick (1989).

Reframing the family's conception of time

It is important to help the family see the adolescent's behaviour as an attempt to enable the family to make the necessary second-order shifts so that the family does not get stuck in time. The family needs to retrace their relationships to what they were like before the adolescent's behaviour caused them concern, and even before that time, to those relationships they experienced with their parents. Relationships between parents and their own families of origin are often the unsymbolised issues that generate emotional intensity in their relationships with their teenagers. Each parent explores the quality of their relationship patterns in their families of origin, thereby gaining a clearer picture of the present dynamics. Once these are recognised, the family usually has the ability to change the current conflictual relationship patterns.

65

MGG201W/1

Meeting with the parents

Time should be created to allow parents to talk in private about their fears or concerns about the adolescent's behaviour. The aim of these sessions should be to enable them to be more objective about their role as parents and explore the struggles that they are having, or have had, in other areas of their lives, such as marriage, work or problems with their families of origin. In the privacy of these sessions they can be helped to find different, more effective ways to deal with conflict issues in the home, rather than relying solely on their parental authority. Parents need to have time to negotiate their differences about rules and limits in the home, and discover ways to offer each another emotional support during this trying phase.

Rituals
Family rituals are an important tool in creating family solidarity and providing members with meaningful experiences of interaction. Preto (in Carter & McGoldrick, 1989) notes that in modern society there is a paucity of rituals to mark the transition of adolescent development. The more commonly known western rituals are Bar Mitzvah and confirmations. Preto encourages families to plan celebrations around events such as sixteenth birthdays, the attainment of a driver's licence and graduations as these celebrations provide adolescents with opportunities to mark their growth toward maturity.

Maintaining neutrality
To be effective when working with families with adolescents, the helper should maintain a neutral stance, and not allow himself or herself to overidentify with either the adolescent or the parents. Preto provides several questions that are useful to ask when working with families in this life phase, and explains that these can help the family to obtain a more neutral and global view of the problem (Carter & McGoldrick, 1989:281): . How did the parents experience their own adolescence? . What was the nature of the parents' relationships with other family members during adolescence? . Were there changes in expectations and behaviours among family members during the parents' adolescence? For instance, did they become more distant from or closer to a father or mother? . If there were siblings, did those relationships change? . How close or distant were their relationships with grandparents and other extended family members? . How were limits set and conflicts resolved?

66 . How connected was the family with its sociocultural context? . Did they have fun, and were they receptive to new friends, ideas, and values?

2.2.3.5 Stage 5: launching children and moving on

This stage begins with the first child leaving home, continues until all the children have left, and ends with the retirement of the middle generation. There are both positive and negative consequences when older children leave home. When the family has successfully negotiated the developmental tasks of the other stages, it is likely that its members will be ready to adjust to the familial transitions and personal growth tasks that move beyond parenting. One expects that by now the adult children are prepared to face life's challenges and have obtained sufficient independence to allow them to move out of the parental home, develop their own lifestyles and form their own families. This gives parents more time and psychological energy to rekindle their own relationship and reconsider the function of their life together, without children. Being ``childless'' after such a long time may even allow parents time to set new career goals for themselves. The family as a whole makes way or space in their relationships to include their children's in-laws and, more excitingly, to welcome and support grandchildren. The couple has more time on its hands to review priorities, resolve old family feuds and issues, and revisit and rework their beliefs about life. They turn their attention to resolving their relationships with their elderly parents, and become more involved in their care. The down side of this stage is that if the couple's mission has been to parent, once this is completed they may find that they have nothing left in common with each other and may even decide to part ways.

(a) Key principle of the emotional transition of launching children and moving on
This emotional process involves accepting a multitude of exits from and entries into the family system. This primary function can only be fulfilled by families who prize the need for differentiation. In other words, they recognise that each person is an autonomous individual, and adult children need to be encouraged to pursue their individual lives by leaving home. As adult children choose partners, the families of these partners are introduced, and become loosely joined or connected to them. Grandchildren are added to the family, creating a greater extended family. The extended family consists of several new nuclear families, each with their own distinct identity. Ideally, the members of the nuclear families should have ongoing contact with the extended family. That contact should, however, not interfere with the new nuclear family, which works towards developing its own boundary around the smaller family unit.

67

MGG201W/1

(b) Second-order changes that have to be accomplished

. Renegotiation of marital system as a dyad In some instances parents use their relationships with their children, rather than the marital relationship, to fulfil their intimacy needs. As their grown children leave home, the couple, who have devoted themselves to child-rearing over the years rather than to each another, suddenly recognise that they have grown somewhat estranged. This forces them to make a conscious effort to renegotiate their relationship. Many forces within the family system highlight the need for the couple to refocus, review and develop a different arrangement in their marriage. Because children don't take up so much time, the couple have more time to think about their lives and what they want. Two factors may be responsible for this: the marriage of their adult children, and the death or frailty of an elderly parent. These make people reflect on the need to ensure a good quality of life and relationships within their personal lives. There are several positives for middle generation couples. Because the relationships of couples in this life phase have weathered the demands of previous stages of the life cycle, they tend to have the benefit of more stable, mellow relationships than couples in the previous stages. Schram (in Carter & McGoldrick, 1989) points out that there appears to be a lessening of traditional sex role constraints in the postparental stage of the family life cycle, with men even being happier to take on some of the household chores. The wives appear to spend less time on housework, leaving the couple more time and privacy to express themselves sexually. They have fewer responsibilities and less financial strain. Under these conditions the couple experience an increase in relationship satisfaction. . Development of adult-to-adult relationships between grown children and their parents This represents the culmination of a long process of gradually ``letting go'' that started in childhood, gained momentum in adolescence and led to some kind of physical separation of the young adult marked by their moving away from home to study or work. The young adult is expected to have developed some independence before committing to a long-term relationship. One expects parents to be pleased when their children reach this stage. In situations where the parents have failed to solidify their relationship and are no longer investing in one another, one will expect them to try to hold on to the last child, making it difficult for him or her to build an autonomous life. For this life stage to be successfully transcended, parents have to realise that their adult children no longer need their guidance and economic assistance, but rather their interest and emotional support. There is a distinct difference between ``letting go'' of the children, and ``cutting them off''. Cut offs may be triggered by events such as the young adult deciding to marry someone whom the parents oppose, or the death of a significant family member that results in disagreements about the estate, or arguments about one person

68 being more favoured than another. Cut offs create tension throughout the family, across the generations, right through time. For young adults to achieve physical and emotional independence from their parents, they must be reasonably self-sufficient. Independence is not achieved by the young person who runs away to join the armed forces, or falls pregnant out of marriage, or becomes dependent on substances. In these instances, parents have to be re-engaged to bail the children out of their difficulties. Even young adults who move out of home and then return again to benefit from the financial support of their parents are actually demonstrating their ongoing dependence. However, one must be cautious about judging young people who return to their families of origin when there are societal processes such as we have in South Africa, like a serious lack of job opportunities. This horizontal stressor forces them into a state of dependence that is not welcomed. It restricts their ability to negotiate their right to independence. Some refer to the current young adult generation as the boomerang generation because so many of them appear to move back home for financial support. . Realignment of relationships to include in-laws and grandchildren The middle generation faces the task of accepting the marriages of the younger generation. Some families find this difficult. They overlook the new family's autonomy and are quick to jump in to assist them when they face problems. In these instances the middle generation fail to respect the separateness of the new family, and initiate too much contact without offering the young family the privacy they need to grow in their relationship. Even though the involvement is motivated by parental concern, these acts amount to interference. Parents' lack of acceptance of the new members, and feelings of being displaced, become evident when they pull away from the new couple. They may mistakenly believe that their presence is superfluous and unwanted. It is challenging for any parent to make way for their adult child's choice of partner, especially when the choice of partner seems to be a blatant rejection of the values that the family held as important, such as marriage between ethnic groups, a same-sex union, or marriage to a member of a different faith or even a different political party. The arrival of grandchildren increases the three generation family to a four generation family. Grandchildren lead to new states of relatedness: children become parents; siblings become uncles and aunts; parents become grandparents. For many grandparents, their role is steeped in tradition. In some cultures grandparents are the authority figures, responsible for helping parents to socialise the offspring. In others their role is to join the grandchildren for the specific purpose of having fun. McCullough and Rutenberg in Carter and McGoldrick (1989) elaborate on the other functions of grandparents. They are: the reminders of the family's intergenerational continuity; the family watchdogs providing protection to the members; the arbitrators during times of conflict; figures who help to give the younger family members an insight into the family's past. Some fulfil a

69

MGG201W/1

regular babysitting function. Within our South African context, they may even be expected to play a more active role as custodians of grandchildren, when adult children are unable to care for their offspring because of death, substance abuse, migrant labour and so forth. . Dealing with disabilities and death of parents (grandparents) The older generation faces problems such as accessing health care, financial security, losing friends and siblings to death, adjusting to declining health and coping with a reduction in social opportunities because of poor mobility and/or finances. Their concerns invariably impact on the middle generation, who are expected to become involved in helping to resolve some of these problems. When the elderly can no longer manage on their own, the middle generation have to decide whether to include the elderly in their home or place them in a nursing home or retirement centre. These are fairly emotional decisions, especially when there is no agreement on this matter between the middle generation couple. Caring for an elderly parent can be a great test of a partner's loyalty. When the older person is included in the home it requires changes in the family routine, and often curtails the couple's privacy and freedom. The problems that the older generation have to cope with provide a harsh warning to the middle generation of the difficulties that they too will have to address in the future. The middle generation faces the challenge of supporting older parents who complain about their life situation. They feel powerless to help their parents deal with depression, frailty, loss of independence, immobility and loneliness. The lack of responsiveness by the middle generation to these concerns may be mistaken by the older generation as rejection. Resentment is often directed at a sibling who fails to offer assistance and support to the elderly parent or the sibling carer. Resentment may also abound when the involved sibling perceives others as lacking in concern regarding the parent's care. The death of one, or both, older generation parents provides an opportunity for the middle generation to reflect on how they are living their own lives, and what they should be doing to increase their personal fulfilment. The death of a parent often leaves the middle generation with new responsibilities as they are promoted to the position of the leading generation. The death of a parent raises the middle generation's awareness of their own mortality. Interestingly, when family cut offs or divisions have not been resolved by the time the elderly parent dies, a family crisis tends to follow. The prevalence of flexibility, openness and emotional maturity are indicators that most commonly determine how families will cope with the pressures during this phase.

(c) A locally specific perspective

Many South African families experience this phase of the life cycle differently. There appear to be four main reasons for this. Firstly, fewer men are around to support their wives during this stage, as the life

70 expectancy of the African man is 44 years. It is very uncommon, in the event of losing a male partner, for a woman to remarry. Secondly, many middle generation mothers tend to carry the responsibility of caring for their adult children and their offspring because so many of their children have babies out of wedlock. Thirdly, South Africa's rate of unemployment is very high, preventing many adult children from achieving economic independence and moving away from home. Fathers of the out-of-wedlock babies are often peripheral parents who do not play an active role in maintaining or parenting these children. The middle generation mother is the most influential carer of the little ones, as the biological parents go about completing their education or trying to find employment. Fourthly, the integration of out-of-wedlock children is not experienced as a major stressor because the extended-family context absorbs these children as a matter of family loyalty and responsibility. In a traditional African marriage, the young wife is expected to leave her family to join her in-laws, where she carries out certain duties for her mother-in-law. The acceptance of these duties demonstrates her willingness to become a member of this family, and enables her to show her respect for them. She breaks away from her family and adopts their values and norms. She is expected to stay with them until she dies. Her mother and aunts instruct her beforehand about the hardships of marriage. As a woman, she is told that it is her responsibility to bear these hardships bravely and know that God will give her the strength to see her situation through. In Indian families, the middle generation mother is a central figure, especially in her eldest son's marriage. He is expected to remain in his mother's home with his new family. His mother has tremendous influence over the decisions that he makes more than his wife in some instances. As a grandmother she is a great help to the couple because she plays an active role in raising their children.

2.2.3.6 Families in later life

Family relationships continue to be important in later life for most adults. There are subtle shifts in the roles that the aged play within the larger families. During this phase, the middle generation children (the children of the ageing couple) take on a more active role in the family. The elderly generation are faced with major challenges. They have to deal with retirement, widowhood, becoming grandparents, illness resulting in loss of their independence, their dependence upon their children for support, many losses, and a reorientation of themselves and their living arrangements.

(a) Key principle of emotional transition of families in later life

Family members learn to accept generational roles shifts during this life phase. The adult children become more active in caring for their parents, and the grandparents no longer have to bear the responsibility of being

71

MGG201W/1

the primary caregivers. Elderly partners adjust to their roles within their couple's relationship, as they accommodate the changes in their physical, mental and social positions.

(b) Second-order changes that have to be accomplished

According to Lauer and Lauer (1994) the elderly couple are more maritally than parentally oriented as they spend more time with one another and less time assuming responsibilities for children. When they are able to share adequate leisure time activities, enjoy cordial relationships with the middle generation and have good health and an adequate income, they can expect to enjoy one another as much as they did during the honeymoon phase of their relationship. Contrary to common speculation, sex may remain an important part of the elderly couple's relationship, unless they have had a long-standing relationship problem. Retirement has both positive and negative connotations. The positive being, it provides a person with leisure time to pursue interests and build on social contacts. For the person whose esteem is linked to productivity, having meaningful job roles and being the family provider, retirement presents as a major stressor. People who are forced to retire, because of age or other reasons such as staff cut-backs, may find it more difficult to adjust. Retirement is a horizontal stressor that requires people to redefine their ideas of who they are and what their new roles should be. Being at a loss as how to spend time meaningfully, they may irritate their partners by challenging the way things are done in the home when they assume roles that overlap with or even undermine those performed by a partner. The relationship becomes strained as these situations increase. Wives of newly retired husbands often complain about having to forfeit their independence and losing tasks to their partners that previously filled their lives with meaning. It can be seen that the couple's boundaries may become blurred; this can be corrected by their redefining their roles and responsibilities. Men and women face difficult times when dealing with the death of a partner. Women are four times as likely as men to be widowed, and are more likely to be widowed at an earlier age with many years of life yet ahead of them without a partner (Walsh in Carter & McGoldrick, 1989:316). There are several physical and emotional consequences of bereavement, such as lapse of memory, difficulty in concentrating, wandering thoughts, loneliness and depression. These make it difficult for the person to deal with the many practical issues that have to be attended to at this time. Factors such as sorting out the finances, relocating to a smaller home, readjusting relationships with adult children who offer more assistance, and sorting through and disposing of the late person's possessions are quite trying. But for many, the adjustment to being physically alone for the first time is quite overwhelming. It takes time for the bereaved person to find new activities and interests to fill the void in their lives.

72 Remarriage is an option for older people, often to the amazement of their children. Adult children may find it difficult to accept a parent's new partner. Most children find it difficult to think of a parent as an attractive or sexual being, and they may be highly suspicious of the new partner's motivations. Their suspicions may lead to concerns about bequests in the parent's will. As highlighted in the previous life stage, grandparents and grandchildren enjoy a ``special bond that is not complicated by the responsibilities, obligations, and conflicts inherent in the parent-child relationship'' (Walsh in Carter & McGoldrick, 1989:318). Grandparents may feel that their life wisdom has taught them things about raising children that the middle generation fail to see. Challenging the middle generation on parenting issues causes intergenerational tension. Grandparents have to strike a fine balance of providing a supportive role to their grandchildren and the middle generation without becoming interfering. Illness is an overriding concern for elderly people. Most of us fear losing our physical and mental functioning and becoming reliant on others. It is no wonder that elderly people become anxious and despondent when contending with a chronic, painful ailment such as arthritis that restricts their daily functioning. Some have a progressively degenerating condition such as Parkinson's that cannot be reversed or treated and that they know will lead to their increasing frailty. Watching one's decline, knowing that it cannot be reversed, is a depressing reality. Most middle generation children find it difficult to cope with a parent's negativity. Their task becomes more difficult when they are faced with the dilemma of deciding when a frail parent is no longer capable of caring for him or herself. The adult child's rational assessment is seldom well received by the elderly parent. Under this tension, the adult child is left to arrange alternative care to cater for the elderly parent's special needs. This tough call may come at a time when the middle generation adult is supporting children in the home, who have not yet launched themselves. Being responsible for both generations places them under financial pressure. Those who decide to care for the elderly parent within their homes may be confronted with the reality that their careers are too demanding to enable them to carry the additional responsibility for caring for a frail parent. The alternative, institutionalising frail parents, creates feelings of guilt and rejection, and in many cultures is unacceptable. Elderly parents are mostly placed in an institution as a last resort, when the family resources are strained to the limit. Even when the elderly parent does not require institutionalisation, managing their medication, treatment routines, medical visits, organising their meals, especially during times when the elderly parent is unwell, can be just as exhausting as having them live with one. One expects the family to have a realistic acceptance of the elderly person's strengths and limitations and take responsibility for only that which they can do for the person, given their own physical, emotional and social

73

MGG201W/1

situation. If, for example, adult children struggle to manage their own failing health, then it is definitely unrealistic to expect them to meet their parent's dependency needs.

(c) Clinical interventions

Helping family members to identify and understand the status changes that occur during this phase assists them to anticipate ways that they can create more balanced and harmonious roles so that each generation can move on developmentally. Partners need to clarify what they expect from one another. Based on this feedback, they are able to reshape their roles within the relationship and ensure that there are fewer role overlaps and that each has a clear sense of what he or she is responsible for in the home. Helping the couple to find new, shared interests and activities increases their sense of togetherness and fun, and reduces the stresses of daily living. Normalising many of the stresses experienced helps to ease the tension. Members see that at this stage their relationships will be very different from that which they had grown accustomed to. Each person must be challenged to create a lifestyle that allows each person a sense of purpose, and offers the support and togetherness that each family member needs. Adult children may see that just because they have assumed more responsibility for caring for their elderly parents, the child-parent role cannot be said to be reversed. They never have to treat their frail parents as children, because parents, despite their frailty, have a great many years of life experience ahead of them. Excluding them from decision making, withdrawing their responsibilities on the basis that they are old, moving them before they are ready to forfeit their independence, all result in the elderly feeling disrespected and marginalised. The family should support the maximal functioning and competence of an elderly parent. Bereavement counselling may assist the surviving spouse to loosen the bond that he or she has with the deceased. It offers the grieving partner an opportunity to accept the death of a partner, cherish the wonderful memories, work through the sad regrets and adjust to the lifestyle of a single person. Through sharing feelings of anger, grief and loss, and through reminiscing, the person is helped to transform the sense of loss into memories which serve to sustain him or her during the lonely times. Taking major decisions such as moving house, selling property or relocating overseas to join adult children should be postponed until some grief has been resolved. Life-review therapy helps the elderly person to reminisce. Through the process of reviewing early life experiences, the elderly person is able to see the extent to which life tasks were completed and understand why he or she failed to achieve others. This recognition enables the person to

74 accept that his or her life was lived with integrity and was meaningful. Family photographs, scrapbooks, genograms, music and life-lines are all useful tools that facilitate the process of reminiscence.

2.2.4 The systemic importance of rituals in family life

Normative life cycle events and transitions such as the birth of a baby, a wedding and a death are celebrated in the form of rituals. Although these rituals appear to be determined according to religion or ethnic groups, Carter and McGoldrick (1989) propose that they are not single unrelated events. Rather, they are processes that occur over time and require developmental adjustments within the family relationships. Because they are marked by planning, contemplation and celebration, they fulfil the important function of helping to reduce anxiety about the implicit changes that each stage of the life cycle marks. Rituals tend to endorse a sense of belonging and identity for family members. They also clarify expected roles, boundaries and family rules. Rituals also provide family members with opportunities to deal with conflicting emotions; for example, a funeral marks the loss of a loved one, but simultaneously provides family members with an opportunity to celebrate the person's life. At this time, the family reunites to reaffirm their sense of connection to one another, and reallocate the family roles and responsibilities that were previously fulfilled by the deceased person. A wedding may indicate the loss of a child, but simultaneously the gain of a son-in-law or daughter-in-law and the beginning of a new family. Rituals connect families with previous generations, offer continuity, predictability and history. Rituals link the family with the wider community and thereby reduce dangerous isolation or loneliness. If one thinks about the tendency to pay home visits and make offerings of prepared meals for the recently bereaved, one begins to appreciate the valuable purpose that this kind of community support fulfils. Rituals do not only have to be performed at specific transition points of family life. They are often incorporated into family life in acts such as attending church together, celebrating achievements by going out for dinner, having a regular family dinner once a week, or expecting a young suitor to introduce himself to the parents before being allowed to take one's daughter out. These everyday rituals endorse the positive indicators listed in the set rituals described above. One uses rituals to mark or celebrate the points when transitional tasks are reached, such as having a baby shower party to celebrate a pregnancy, or a bachelor's party when a man is about to marry, or a flat-warming party when the young, newly launched adult moves into his or her own home. Healing rituals help survivors of trauma to cope with life after loss, such as death, miscarriage, divorce, sexual trauma and so on. One may find rituals to be a useful tool to help individuals remove labels and stigma associated with life crises.

75 A general summary of rites of passage in South Africa

STAGE
BIRTH INFANCY

MGG201W/1

AFRICAN TRADITIONAL
The Birth Ritual Imbeleko

CHRISTIAN CATHOLIC
The current norm is infant Baptism including the Naming Ceremony when the child is an infant.

CHRISTIAN PROTESTANT
Some churches choose to mark the baby's birth in a Naming Ceremony. This includes giving of thanks for the birth and the mother's health; the naming ceremony; dedication of the baby to the Lord's service; blessing of the baby. In some churches one needs to have received baptism and communion in order to be a full member of the church. These two ceremonies can take place soon after each other.

HINDU
T h e Na m ing Ceremony Namakama/ Namakaran

JEWISH
Circumcision (for boys) Brith Milah

MUSLIM
The Naming Ceremony

PUBERTY ADOLESCENCE

Tribal Initiation Ulwaluko

The current norm is First Communion when the child is + 10 years old

The Sacred Thread Ceremony Upanayana

Bar Mitzvah (Son of the Commandment) The ceremony takes place when the boy is 13 yrs old according to the Hebrew calendar. Public engagement Khitbah (followed soon after by the marriage.)

ADOLESCENCE EARLY ADULTHOOD

Tribal Initiation (if the man has not been through the ritual earlier)

In other churches one needs to have been baptised and confirmed in order to receive communion. This sequence entitles one to be a full member of the church. All three sacraments are considered necessary to be initiated into Christian life.

MARRIAGE

The Wedding Ri- A marriage betual is known as tween two RoUmtshato man Catholic partners is considered one of the 7 sacraments.

Engagement, followed some time later by marriage ceremony and/or reception.

Graha Shanti Pre-nuptials which includes the Hurdee ceremony, the Thilak ceremony and the Mendhi ceremony (for the bride). The pre-nupti a l s t ake place very close to the wedding date. Wedding Vihaha

Engagement, followed some time later by the relig iou s marriage ceremo ny and / or reception.

Wedding Nikah Reception Walimah

76
STAGE
DEATH

AFRICAN TRADITIONAL

CHRISTIAN CATHOLIC

CHRISTIAN PROTESTANT

HINDU

JEWISH

MUSLIM

The Burial Ritual Burial or Crema- Burial or Cremai s k n o w n a s tion, within a tion, within a week Umngcwabo week after death. after death.

Cremation Antyeshti (or burial for children under the age of 12) as soon as possible after death.

B u r i a l a s Burial soon as possi- (within hours ble after death, of death.) usually the day after. Burial or Cremation in Progressive (Reform) Judaism.

Source: Elion, B and Strieman, M. 2001. Clued up on culture: a practical guide for all South Africans, pp 3031. Juta Gariep.

ACTIVITY
Ethnicity defines the rites of passage that take place at birth, puberty into adolescence, marriage and death. (A rite is a formal act or procedure that is prescribed or customary in religious or ethnic ceremonies.) Elion and Strieman (2001) explain that these rites of passage create notches in the journey of the individual's life cycle, marking the turning points which are observed or honoured by ritualised ceremonies or practices. The rites of passage mark the changing status of the individual. Study the table compiled by Elion and Strieman, and select two ethnic groups different from your own. Identify a person from each group whom you can interview to find out about the rituals that are performed during their marriage ceremonies. Make a tape recording of the interview and write up the sequence of these rituals that are performed during this rite of passage. Be sure to capture the significance and symbolism of each ritual and include them in your report. Try to establish who the young married couple are traditionally expected to turn to in the event of their developing marital difficulties. Explore the impact of modernisation on these rituals and cultural marriages.

2.2.5 Significant aspects of the family life cycle that impact on work with couples and families
Carter and McGoldrick (1989) highlight their significant observations about the family life cycle: . Mastery of the skills and milestones of each stage enables members of a family to move successfully from one stage of development in the family cycle to the next. If they fail to master the skills, they may move on to the next phase of the cycle but are more likely to encounter difficulties with relationships and future transitions. In order to prevent problems, the family members should be urged to concentrate on improving the quality of family life within each stage of the family life cycle. Self-examination, education and counselling are ways to

77

MGG201W/1

improve or resolve problems and cope with the challenges of a nontraditional family structure such as divorce or same sex pairing. ``Culture interacts with the family life cycle at every stage'' (Carter & McGoldrick, 1989:69). Culture impacts on a family's definition of ``family''. Western families place far more emphasis on the autonomy of the nuclear family, and African families consider the extended family to be most significant in the definition of family. Culture influences the timing of life cycle phases, as well as the tasks that are considered appropriate for each of the phases. In Western families more emphasis is placed on young adult children leaving home and becoming emotionally independent of their families. In many African cultures a young woman is never free to do as she wants, and is supervised by her parents until she marries, and then by her husband and in-laws. Culture clearly defines traditions, rituals and ceremonies that mark significant life cycle transitions. Family stress is compounded when the stress associated with a life cycle developmental transition intersects with a cultural issue. For example, a young Pondoland Xhosa couple have a new baby. The traditional husband expects the baby's face to be marked by traditional cuts to ensure that the ancestors will welcome the baby into the family fold and protect him. The mother, who is a professional nurse, fights against this, believing that this ritual has no scientific value. The clash between the parents about this traditional ritual at the time of the arrival of their first child is likely to create conflict in their relationship and their relationship with the extended family. The family is more than a sum of its parts. The dynamic nature of families suggests that there is seldom a simple explanation for a family problem. Apart from each of the members of the family having their individual perspectives of the problem, coalitions or subgroups also form. Each coalition may share a similar understanding of the situation. Coalitions have the potential to gang up on other family members or coalitions during conflict. The following types of coalitions are most typical in families: the children versus the adults, females versus males, those who are closer to one another versus those they are more distant, the living versus the ancestors, the vegetarians against the nonvegetarians. In working with families the helper has to define each individual's perspective of the situation, and then help the family to develop a mutual understanding. Rites of passage symbolise the changing status of the individual, and the family as a whole. Each stage in the family life cycle indicates a turning point for the family and is frequently marked by a ritualised ceremony. Families vary in the way they celebrate life transitions, and in the degree and patterns of ritualisation. It is the family, more than the culture, which determines which rites are used. Emotions that surface during these times provide families with invaluable insight into their interactional family processes. Funerals, weddings and coming of age rituals are the three most obvious rites of passage.

78 There are several relevant points made by Schenk (2003:31) regarding Carter and McGoldrick's model. They are: . The life cycle is not a linear process. Families do not proceed through each of the stages in a neat, orderly or sequential fashion. For example families may be challenged to deal with the tasks of several developmental stages simultaneously, as in the example of two divorced people who have children from their previous marriages and marry each other. They have to adjust to one another at the same time as having to make space for each others' children in their relationship. Or, consider the case of a couple who have struggled with infertility and have a baby late in life by means of adoption or reproductive technology. They have to deal with the psychological, social and emotional elements of becoming parents at the same time as managing and caring for their elderly parents, who are too frail to assist them with the new arrival. . The model is a strengths based model. Carter and McGoldrick (1989) have a strong belief in the ability of families to transcend crises with very little assistance from others. They believe that once the couple understand and clarify the requirements of each of the developmental phases, they will be able to make positive, sustaining decisions in the interests of family members, and the family as a whole. . Carter and McGoldrick (1989) believe in the uniqueness of every family. Every family proceeds through the developmental stages of the family life cycle at its own pace and according to its own sequence. And yet, these family therapists clearly emphasise that there are inherent risks in overemphasising the uniqueness of each family, especially each newly formed nuclear family. They believe that dwelling on the uniqueness of the family makes the helper and the family lose sight of the interconnectedness of the different generations, and of the recurring themes and connections between the family members. . The life stages are academic approximations, developed merely to facilitate an understanding of the complexities of the dynamic interaction between different family members and the family as a whole. The family life cycle stages highlight the complex changes that a family has to negotiate throughout their passage through time. Having a schema of possible developments allows us to anticipate and prepare for change, thereby minimising the harmful disruptions typical of the different stages. . The family life cycle is influenced by social, economic and political factors. The increasing divorce rate, human rights movement, technological revolution, globalisation, prevalence of modern stressors such as crime and HIV/Aids all play a role in influencing the family life cycle. The stages of the life cycle do not stay the same forever, but shift and bend under the pressure of the wider social context. The family life cycle of a poor ``multiproblem'' family, or a divorced family, or a family that experiences chronic illness, as defined by Carter and McGoldrick (1989:23), will differ significantly from the traditional middle-class paradigm.

79

MGG201W/1

. Three to four generations may be linked to one another through the family life cycle model at one point in time. This multigenerational perspective provides a rich understanding of intergenerational, subconscious experiences and themes. These may be brought to the fore. They help to shed light on why a family's current reactions and responses fail to relieve their current stresses. When family members become aware of how their families of origin, or even earlier generations, exercise a strong influence on their current attitudes, values and life decisions, they understand why vertical and horizontal stressors impact on their family relationships. This awareness results in their re-examining the intergenerational perspectives that have become defunct over time.

ACTIVITY
Identify a couple in your community whom you consider to have a good relationship. Ask them if they will be willing to allow you to interview them. They need to be told that you are a student who has enrolled to do a marriage guidance course at Unisa, and as part of your course you are expected to find out about dynamic couple relationships. The couple should be invited to share their perceptions about the stages that families go through in time. Reassure them that the information will only be used for your assignment and that their confidentiality will be respected. You will exclude all their identifying details from your written work. You are not a marriage counsellor and so will not be able to help them with any of their problems. You have chosen to interview them because you perceive them to be happy. The interview should take about an hour.

QUESTIONS
. What stage of the family life cycle are they in? . Can they describe major and minor adjustments that they have had to make during this life cycle phase? . Refer to the guide and find out which changes families in this stage typically have to deal with. Does Carter and McGoldrick's theory provide an adequate description of the family that you interviewed? Which of the life tasks are more important for the family you interviewed? List them and explain your answer. . How did the family experience their previous life cycle phase? Who or what were the resource systems to which they turned during that life cycle phase? . Explain to the family what vertical stressors are. Ask them if they can recognise any vertical stressors that were handed down to them by their families of origin. List these and reflect on how these stressors impact on the family today. . What are some of the more obvious horizontal stressors that they have had to deal with during their marriage? . What has enabled them to stay together?

80

SUMMARY
A couple who are able to negotiate the common psychological tasks that are the foundation of most relationships are likely to share a successful and satisfying relationship with one another, as their relationship moves through time. This theme provided a detailed account of the psychological tasks that couples have to address in the early and enduring stages of their relationship. The first part of the discussion highlighted the tasks as defined by Wallerstein (1995). They were: consolidating psychological separation and establishing new connections with the family of origin; negotiating togetherness versus autonomy; establishing a sexual identity; providing each other with safety and nurturance; dealing with parenthood; having fun together; developing a realistic appraisal of each partner. The family life cycle model developed by Carter and McGoldrick (1989) is similar to, and yet different, from Wallerstein's psychological tasks. Carter and McGoldrick's model highlights the stages that families move through with time: the unattached young adult; the newly married system; the family with young children; the family with adolescents; the launching and empty nest; the family in later life. Each of these stages was discussed, highlighting the therapeutic implications for helpers assisting couples. We do not have a locally specific family life cycle model to refer to in South Africa and as a means of demonstrating the differences between Western middle-class families and other ethnic groups, reference was made to locally specific perspectives of the family life cycle model. In the absence of an empirical study, the experiences of a group of final year social work students were included to highlight the possible differences. One may conclude that the family life cycle model is not as flexible as Wallerstein's psychological tasks when trying to understand and assess couples. Wallerstein's tasks can be generalised for all ages. They have equal relevance for first-time newly married couples and couples who have been involved in previous relationships with other people and have developed what is termed a ``blended family'' (stepfamily union). The theme suggests that couples have to renegotiate their relationships with parents, siblings and to some extent even friends as their relationship changes with time. Significant others tend to exert some influence over couples, but it is evident that the committed and happy ones are those who have been successful in establishing their own separate identity. This separate identity is characterised by their assuming greater responsibility for meeting one another's needs and developing their own rules, roles, rituals and traditions. For couples to enjoy a successful long-term relationship, they have to accomplish the defined psychological tasks. The attainment of the tasks is an ongoing process, and is dependent upon the couple renegotiating each task as they adapt to the changes in their relationship. Many of these changes are normative and most couples transcend these developmental crises without any intervention. Some changes are more unexpected or idiosyncratic, such as losing a limb, being retrenched or getting divorced.

81

MGG201W/1

The psychological tasks and the family life cycle models are two helpful models that developing helpers in this field can use to understand couples and their changing relationships.

82

THEME THREE

Popular theories used in couples counselling

OBJECTIVES Upon completion of this chapter, you will be able to: . describe the main concepts and skills of several theories of couples counselling: the psychodynamic, cognitive behavioural, person-centred, structural and strategic systemic approaches . compare and contrast an Afrocentric perspective of helping with a Western perspective . apply the theories to a case study

INTRODUCTION
This century has seen the emergence of a profession whose sole purpose it is to assist couples to resolve their differences and enhance the quality of their relationships. Psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, pastoral and lay counsellors have become preoccupied with incorporating the methodologies of couples counselling to enhance their capacity to render assistance to couples who turn to them for help. Historically, the development of couples counselling relied heavily on individual theories that were geared to treating one individual in the counselling relationship. Professional practice necessitated that several theories be integrated to assist helpers to meaningfully facilitate the dynamic interaction of the couple and/or family simultaneously. The field of couples counselling has exploded over the past twenty-five years and there are many different approaches which can be used alone or combined with other methods by the helper. This chapter provides an overview of some popular theoretical approaches used in the field of couples counselling: psychodynamic; cognitive-behavioural; the person-centred approach; structural and strategic systemic approaches; and an Afrocentric perspective. The chapter is meant to offer the learner an understanding of the terminology and concepts frequently associated with these different theories. On completion of this chapter, you should reflect upon which of the theories best mirror your perceptions of and beliefs about human behaviour and relationships. Each theory is based on specific assumptions about

83

MGG201W/1

behaviour and relationships. Each has its own values to guide helpers in their professional relationships with couples in their care. It must be remembered that research continues to emphasise that the effectiveness of outcomes is not exclusive to a specific model, but is based on the use of specific skills with specific problems (Brown & Brown, 2002 (b)). In view of this, several authors suggest that couples counsellors should be creative and use concepts and skills consistent with their beliefs and relevant to couples who present their concerns.

3.1 THE PSYCHODYNAMIC APPROACHES

Psychodynamic approaches are those that include constructs and principles of psychic functioning derived from Freud and his followers. They are bound together by their application of varying theoretical applications of analytic concepts to couples counselling. One could place them on a continuum, starting with orthodox analysis on one end and a contemporary one on the other. Object relations and transactional analysis are commonly placed on the psychodynamic continuum. The thinkers behind the approaches have ``tried to bridge the gap between the strictly intrapersonal theory of Freud and the growing awareness that relationships and social contexts are also critical to mental health'' (Young & Long, 1998:32).

3.1.1 Orthodox analysis

The underlying assumption from which these analysts work is that people are caught up in a constant conflict between their unconscious drives and society's expectations of them. The drives that clash with society's norms are repressed, blocked out of consciousness. Disowning these drives makes people experience psychological tension. Furthermore, the way they are helped by parenting figures to balance or deal with conflicting drives and social norms during childhood will influence their relationships in adulthood. The terms id, ego and superego were coined by Freud to explain different parts of the personality. These states function together in order to guarantee the survival of the person, to allow him or her to experience pleasure, regulate pain and guilt and make responsible choices. The three states function as an organised whole. By understanding them one is able to interpret the psychological tension present in people's intrapersonal and interpersonal states.

(a) The id
This is the innate, instinctive part of the psyche, the part of the person that is in direct contact with the biological drives that generate behaviour. It is responsible for the pleasure principle. If you feel tired during a business meeting, it would be totally inappropriate for you to put your head down on the desk and sleep. It would be equally inappropriate for a partner to insist that a sleeping wife wake up to make him something to eat after his late return from a night on the town

84 with friends. The id ``seeks immediate and complex satisfaction of its drives without considering anything but its own immediate pleasure'' (Meyer, Moore & Viljoen, 1993:43).

(b) The ego

This is the part of self that is responsible for reality testing. It takes into consideration the physical and social realities that the person finds himself or herself in. The ego judges and weighs up situations before responding, trying to satisfy the id's instinctive needs while regulating behaviour to conform to social norms and expectations. If you are feeling hungry on return from a night out with friends, you recognise that your wife is sleeping and consider it inappropriate to wake her. You go to the kitchen to find something to eat, closing the door so as not to disturb her. Another example is a partner who feels sexually aroused, but senses that the other is not interested in sex at that moment, and so distracts himself or herself, resolving to make a move when the partner is more interested.

(c) The superego

From an early age, people are taught that some behaviours are acceptable and desirable, and other are unworthy and should be punished. This is the evaluative aspect of the person, the part that weighs up what is right and wrong. It strives to ensure that the person conforms to the moral code of society. When the person wishes to behave in a way that is bad or improper, the person feels guilty. The significant others in one's early life can influence one in many ways, making one believe that things are right or wrong. We internalise these teachings as absolute reality without evaluating them ourselves. Examples are ``When walking in a busy place you must keep to the left'', and ``Men are hunters and women are gatherers''.

(d) Defence mechanisms

In order to continue functioning within physical and social reality, the person manages the inner conflicts by developing defence mechanisms. ``Defence mechanisms are strategies which the person uses to defend itself against the forbidden drives and moral codes, which cause forbidden drives and moral anxiety'' (Meyer et al, 1993:51). The more commonly patterned defence mechanisms include:

Repression and resistance

This is the basic defence mechanism that transfers unacceptable drives, experiences or memories to the unconscious. Khetiwe was sexually abused by her uncle at the age of eleven years. She does not remember this at all. Despite the experience being repressed, Khetiwe appears to be tense. She cannot explain why she is so uptight, especially when her partner makes love to her. The only way that Khetiwe can be helped is by

85

MGG201W/1

assisting her to bring the unconscious, repressed experience of abuse to the fore. When this happens, she recognises the reason why she responds to her partner's sexual advances with such anxiety.

Projection
Because the ownership of some drives, wishes or experiences threatens the person's integrity, they are projected on to others. The person manages to keep the unconscious psychic material unconscious by subjectively changing it to make it appear as though it is associated, not with them, but with others. For example, Khetiwe has an unconscious desire to wear erotic clothing. Her very strict upbringing would never allow her to admit to the erotic aspect of her personality. Instead of wearing suggestive clothing herself, she draws attention to other women who wear short, low-cut dresses. Siyanda is very jealous of his wife, Muhle, but during arguments he always accuses her of being jealous.

Reaction formation
In a desperate bid to keep forbidden desires unconscious, the person develops a reactive response that gives the impression that he or she experiences a completely different desire. For example, Khetiwe starts campaigning for an office dress code that outlaws short skirts, sleeveless dresses and low necklines. Reaction formation can be recognised by any fanatical stance that serves to conceal a forbidden desire. Psychoanalysts would interpret a father's overprotectiveness of a daughter's virginity as his unconscious wish for a sexual relationship with her.

Rationalisation
The person provides explanations for his or her behaviour by developing logical arguments or intellectual reasons for them. For example, Geoff starts drinking heavily and explains that his drinking is a response to work pressure and forced office socialising. The real issue, according to his analyst's perspective, is that his drinking gives expression to his unconscious anger towards his mother and now his wife, both of whom thwart his autonomy.

Fixation and regression

Fixation is the term used to describe the state of a person who becomes stuck at a particular developmental level. As an example, analysts may interpret the compulsive smoker to be fixated at the oral stage of development. Fixation and regression happen for three reasons. In the first instance, the child experiences a stage as so pleasurable that he does not want to move on to the next stage. An illustration of this is the child who is so pampered by his mother that he is slow to learn to walk. She carries him everywhere and never puts him on the ground. In the second instance, the child's needs are not satisfied during the stage by the primary carer, so that he becomes trapped in that stage. An example of

86 this would be the mother who weans the baby too early, before the infant is ready for this step. The child becomes orally fixated by becoming attached to his pacifier (dummy). In the third instance, the next stage of development appears too threatening for the individual. Previous experiences of harsh responses from parental figures make the child so anxious that he fails to cope with the developmental tasks of that developmental stage. An example of this is the Grade One boy who is so anxious when starting school that he wets his pants in the classroom. Thumb sucking, bed wetting, body rocking, eating and drinking for comfort are all behaviours that people develop a tendency to revert to. They have a soothing, comforting effect.

(e) Psychoanalysis and couples counselling

Early marital work in this tradition was conducted by the analyst treating the marital relationship by working with one partner on an individual basis. This has changed with time, as the analyst now treats both individuals on an individual basis, and in some instances may even see them together. Analysts view marital discord as a presenting symptom, not the problem (Sperry & Carlson, 1991). The marital discord is the manifestation of individual psychopathology in one or both partners. The problems of a disturbed marriage manifest as transference during the treatment process. The client transfers unconscious repressed issues on to the therapist, who then interprets the dynamic impact of these issues on the person's life. The insight enables the person to understand his or her relationship with the partner. This understanding enables the person to modify his or her expectations and behaviour within the couple's relationship. The analyst is preoccupied with making incongruence and discrepancies displayed by the partners explicit and open for discussion and interpretation.

3.1.2 Object-relations theory

The object-relations approach is not a single school of thought. This theoretical approach occupies the middle ground between individual and marital therapy. It is deeply grounded in individual theory, but it also incorporates systems thinking because it places an enormous emphasis on the dynamic interaction between couples. Brown and Brown (2002) explain that it grew out of the work of Freud, but focused more specifically on early mother-infant relationships and the long-lasting impact of these experiences on later adult functioning. It is based on the premise that, from birth, people attempt to establish relationships with external objects that satisfy their needs. Infants have an enormous need to form emotional attachments with others, and turn to their mothers to have this need fulfilled. The experiences of these primary relationships are carried forward into adult life. People introject (develop mental pictures or form subjective experiences which for them become reality) these experiences. As adults, they base current relationships with people on these previously held perceptions, subjective experiences or introjections. The works of Framo, Boszormenyi-Nagy, Bowen, Dicks and

87

MGG201W/1

Fairbairn all have been recognised as developing with object relations theory (Sperry & Carlson, 1991, Brown & Brown, 2002, Young & Long, 1998). Young and Long (1998) used a diagram from M St Clair to explain this.
THE INNER AND EXTERNAL WORLDS OF OBJECTS
Inner mental world of object representation Parent
In te rn a li

External world of real objects

D
ze

Project Object representation (In relation object relatedness)

Parent

C Self representation

A (relating individual)

B. (real, external person)

Source: St Clair, M. 1986. Object relations and self-psychology: an introduction. Brooks/Cole.

Each object relation has a self-representation, an object representation, and an affective component. The self-representation is the way the person views the self. An infant begins at birth to differentiate the self from surrounding objects and forms an internal picture of himself or herself. He or she might fantasise about the self, ignoring and disowning weaknesses. An object refers to ``a person toward who desires and behaviours are focused'' (Young & Long, 1998:35). The object representation is the sense of attachment and closeness encountered in a relationship. The first object relationship, between mother and infant, influences the kinds of interpersonal relationships a person forms later. For instance, a person who found his or her mother to be very critical may introject this experience on to the relationship with the partner and be hypersensitive to any negative feedback he or she receives from them. It may result in him or her being highly defensive and overreacting to harmless remarks. The affective component represents the emotions that are triggered from past introjections on to current interpersonal relationships. The individual represents the self and parents as internal objects. His or her experiences with the mother are likely to be contradictory. At times she may be nurturing, and at other times rejecting. The contradictory experiences create confusion and anxiety. In order to deal with the contradiction, the child ``splits'' the internal representation or objects

88 into two separate parts good and bad. Splitting can be unhealthy if it prevents the person from dealing with reality because he or she prefers to hold onto the mental constructions that develop with time. Because anxiety and confusion are relieved as a result of splitting, the child learns to do the same thing, separate or split the self later on in life into good and bad, in order to cope with contradictory aspects of the self. Unacceptable and bad parts of self, together with idealised and good aspects, are projected on to others. In other words, many of the things we do not like about others are actually our own negative qualities, projected on those we relate to. People who are highly critical of others fail to see that they are actually highly critical of themselves. When the person becomes involved in intimate relationships outside the family, the new ``source of attachment'' becomes the prime target for projection. Early life experiences are reawakened in the adult intimate relationship, and the unresolved feelings from the earlier relationships generate many of the defensive reactions of the person. The partner's response is usually affected by his or her background issues, and the interactions of these mutual projections are usually the cause of marital discord. Partners struggle in their relationship because of their faulty perceptions of themselves and the images they have of their past relationships. The object-relations approach presents a notion of ``interlocking pathologies'', suggesting that in very disturbed relationships, each partner intensely needs the other person and their internal objects to find a match. For example, Justine needs Puren to be her protector and Puren needs Justine to make him feel strong and in control. It has been suggested that partners are often drawn to each other because of similar family of origin problems and unless these core issues are resolved, problems experienced by couples will persist. For example, the adult daughter of an alcoholic may find herself marrying an alcoholic. The purpose of therapy is to diminish the amount of fantasy, and to increase the realistic perceptions of the couple. It has been suggested by Framo (in Brown & Brown, 2002) that in some instances people try to modify or change interactional patterns in their relationships so that they resemble those that they are used to. People enter intimate partnerships with preconceived notions about how partners, spouses and parents should act, and when those behaviours are not encountered they become very anxious. Interpretation becomes the primary method for correcting faulty expectations and defensive responses. Helping is the process of enabling individuals to see, understand, and change the faulty introjects they have.

3.1.3 Transactional analysis

Eric Berne developed an easy way to explain object relations, namely through developing a theory now known as transactional analysis. This is a method that helps you to understand why, if I do something to you, you will do something back. Berne adapted Freud's concepts of id, ego and

89

MGG201W/1

superego and renamed them child, adult and parent. He proposed that by understanding the interplay of these different components of the psyche, one begins to understand a person's interaction with intimate others. For him the components of the psyche were more than psychological concepts; they were phenomenological realities. Berne emphasised that the scientific unit for focus in counselling had to be the ``transaction'', the unit of social intercourse.
THE PERSONALITY

C
A NORMAL PERSONALITY STRUCTURE

(a) The parent ego state

The Parent is a huge collection of recordings in the brain of unquestioned or introjected meanings given to external events by parents or parent substitutes. The messages contained in the Parent are the rules, expectations, and often unspoken laws that were mostly taught by parents (or primary carers), either in words or by their actions. The primary carers' teachings become internalised in the Parent as recordings of what the child observed them to say and do. These become reality or truth for an individual. Transactional analysts infer that there are two main parenting styles, either nurturing or critical. The nurturing parent encourages the developing child, provides him or her with confidence, permission, empathy, comfort and relaxation. This style of parenting is associated with promoting the growth of the individual. If overdone, it can be harmful as it becomes smothering and thwarts the person's autonomy and initiative. The critical parent provides the child with

90 practical life instructions, principles and norms, prejudices, conservatism, and criticism that invoke childish feelings of guilt which regulate the child's behaviour. These feelings make the child conform. The words that are used in this parenting style are words such as stupid, naughty, ridiculous and disgusting (Harris 1969). The ideal is for the Nurturing Parent and Critical Parent styles to be balanced so that the child is nurtured and checked simultaneously, keeping instinctive behaviour regulated so that the child remains reasonably cooperative in his or her interactions with others without forfeiting personal rights and needs.

(b) The child ego state

The child ego state is dominated by feelings. Being in the child state implies being dominated by needs for instant gratification, self-centred and unable to see the connection between cause and effect. A distinction is made between the free or natural child and the adapted child. The natural child represents the spontaneous expressions of the child ego state (Ivey & Simek-Downing, 1980). It is a significant ego state because it typifies creativity, curiosity, playfulness, self-expression, doing whatever comes naturally, exploring, touching and demonstrating feelings. If an individual operates in this ego state for too long, they are often labelled as being ``out of control''. There is a strong need for love, attention, care, stimulation and protection. When one or more of these needs are not satisfied, the person's child manifests as an adapted child. The adapted child is so eager for approval that he is accepting of parental influence and introjects the norms and values defined by primary caregivers, making him more conforming, compromising or compliant. The adapted child finds it very difficult to rely on his own inner experiences in case his actions displease the primary carer. In the adapted child state, the person may present as aggressive or hurtful, or the other extreme, pleasing and overly helpful. In some instances he may even withdraw and feel helpless. The way the person reacts depends upon the kind of behaviour that the parent reinforced. Berne observed that as you watch and listen to people you can see them change before your eyes. They can move from being a functioning, reasoning adult to a frustrated, impatient child within minutes. The changes are visible in facial expression, vocabulary, gestures, posture, and body functions. According to him, the three states exist in all people and are actual, viable, psychological realities.

(c) Stroking and life scripts

People have an ongoing need for strokes. Positive strokes are those actions that demonstrate care and approval, and negative strokes are those that are damaging and are filled with disapproval. Retief (1999) refers to the positive strokes as permissions. These are positive messages that the child receives to say that he or she is important, and his or her feelings are permissible and understandable. In contrast, the messages

91

MGG201W/1

given by parents that say ``don't live, don't ask, don't feel, you're not important'', are injunctions. Dusay and Dusay (1980) suggest that the need for strokes is so great that people would rather have negative strokes than no strokes at all. This explains why people behave badly: in the absence of positive strokes they will accept any form of attention, even negative attention. Families learn unique patterns of giving and receiving strokes. Berne suggested that parents provide children with messages about themselves and the world they live in by the stroking patterns they use. Children absorb these strokes as fact or reality. He referred to these messages as ``scripts'', ``injunctions'' or ``tapes''. These messages are so powerful that they shape the child's expectations and ideas about life and relationships, and affect behaviour, consciously and unconsciously. In adult intimate relationships, the person is inclined to enact these childhood versions of ``reality'' and use old coping mechanisms or adaptations, in order to secure approval, strokes and/or payoffs from a partner. By analysing the patterns of interaction or transactions between the couple, one becomes aware of the origins of these patterns in each partner's early life experiences. The predictable interactional patterns of couples can be referred to as games.

(d) Transactions
Social transactions begin when two or more people get together. They start with a person speaking to or acknowledging the presence of another, and are followed by the other person's response. The transactional analyst focuses on these transactions, trying to diagnose which ego state initiated the transaction and which ego state responded to it. By looking for clues such as the tone of voice used, body gestures and/or facial expressions, the analyst assists the couple to understand the transaction that took place. For example, a wife who is very controlling and parental in her transaction with her partner may provoke a child response from him, such as submission and withdrawal. Transactional analysts believe that there are six possible structured ego states transactions when two people interact with each other. They are parent to parent; adult to adult; child to child; parent to child; adult to parent; adult to child. For dialogue to occur, transactions should be complementary, meaning that they should be parallel transactions. A women realises that she cannot do the cooking one night because of a meeting that she has to attend. She requests that her husband assist her. Although he does not like cooking, he reasons that it is the most practical thing to do, even though, in his family, men never cooked. He agrees to help. This is a parallel transaction: it is an adult to adult transaction. Meryl and Jason fall in love with the new BMW 320 series. Jason receives a promotion and an increase. They can now afford the monthly premiums of this luxury car, if they both agree to buy it. They decide not to, because they have both been raised in families where they have been taught to invest money rather than spend it on items that bring little return for

92 them. Even though they want a new car, they realise that as soon as they drive it out the showroom, its value depreciates. Instead, they both decide to continue battling along with their old car, which is not very reliable, and increase the repayments on their home loan quicker. This is a parallel transaction: it is a parent to parent one.

ACTIVITY
Read the following scenarios and decide whether they are parallel transactions or not. Identify which transactional interactions they should be classified as. 1. It is a very hot night, and Liz and Derek return home very late from their evening out with friends. They had a lot of fun, and Derek suggests that they cool off in their pool. Rather than waste time changing into their swimming costumes, he dares Liz to join him skinny dipping. She laughs, takes off her clothes and jumps into the pool in the darkness. 2. Megan is tired and hungry and starts nagging and complaining. Brett feels that she is being unreasonable and tells her she's acting like a child and should pull herself together. He is not going to take any notice of her until she shuts up. Megan feels bad because she cannot cope with Brett giving her the silent treatment, and she stops complaining.

FEEDBACK
The first scenario represents a parallel transaction. It is characterised by both Liz and Derek giving expression to their playfulness and self-expression. They do what comes naturally, rather than give in to what society expects them to do. This is a Child to Child transaction. Even Parent Child and Child Parent transactions may be complementary. This can be seen in the second scenario where Megan's Child and Brett's Parent are complementary, making this interaction parallel. The relationship will work for as long as Brett is prepared to play Parent, when Megan acts out her Child. If Megan decides to act out her Adult, then Brett will need to adapt his Parent response to an Adult response.

3.1.4 Shared premises of the psychodynamic approaches

Young and Long (1998) suggest that inherent in all the psychodynamic approaches are the following shared premises: . Early life experiences manifest in adult behaviour, attitudes and feelings. . By examining thoughts, dreams and feelings, unconscious material or memories can be brought to the fore, or to consciousness. . The helper is regarded as the expert, who interprets the meanings of these hidden unconscious issues that impact on a person's current functioning. . Insight into and consciousness of the past experiences produce change and a cure for a person.

93

MGG201W/1

. People have a deep need for closeness and attachment, and these needs motivate their actions in relationships. . Closeness and attachment are very attractive, but also create fears of dependency and lack of autonomy. . Childhood relationships with parents determine a person's ability to function in an intimate couple relationship. They influence issues such as autonomy, attachment and commitment. . People tend to have unrealistic expectations in their intimate relationships, expecting them to fulfil their unmet needs, even those dating back to their childhood relationships with parents.

3.1.5 Basic concepts (a) The therapeutic alliance

The therapeutic alliance is the most powerful tool for intervention or treatment. The purpose of this alliance is to get the person to cooperate with and assist the helper to uncover the real issues responsible for creating tension in the couple relationship.

(b) Interpretation
The helper reveals the unconscious meanings of dreams, the couple's resistance, the transference between the helper and the couple, and the transactions between the couple themselves. These become the focus of study. Dreams are interpreted at two levels: firstly, according to the way the dream is experienced by the person; this is referred to as manifest content; and secondly, the disguised and symbolic representations of the dream, referred to as the latent content (is analysed). For example, the person dreams that she is riding a horse that can fly, and the analyst gets her to discuss how she experiences the dream. She explains that she felt so free and invincible. Thereafter, the analyst interprets the meaning of the dream, such as her need to escape from her controlling partner. Analysts rationalise that because people cannot deal with painful realities, they convert these into manifest content.

(c) Transference
Within the close therapeutic relationship, the person relives the early life experiences with his or her parental figures, and/or relationship issues with the partner. The person uses the relationship with the analyst to give expression to the dysfunctional relationship styles that he experienced, first with parents and more recently with the partner. This seems to be an unconscious process and manifests when the person misinterprets the analyst's motives and feelings during the counselling process. As the misconceptions and intense reactions to the helper develop fully, the analyst is able to understand the pattern or themes. The analyst provides an expert interpretation to the person, who uses this

94 insight to avoid similar repetitive relationship exchanges. The person finds ways to behave differently in his relationship with his partner. This insight helps him to reduce the conflict in his relationship.

(d) Counter transference

This is the analyst's unconscious response to a person's transference. It is essential for the analyst to explore his or her own reactions because these lead to a deeper interpretation of the person's unsymbolised or unconscious material.

(d) Resistance
The person's reactions and ways of dealing with situations become entrenched. Change becomes quite daunting. Rather than experience further psychological tension associated with trying to change, the person resorts to sabotaging or obstructing the therapeutic process. He or she engages in defensive efforts to maintain the status quo. These are identified as defence mechanisms and are considered normal responses to therapy.

3.1.6 Critique of the psychodynamic approaches

A psychodynamic approach offers helpers and couples a convincing explanation of personality development. Because the approaches outlined stress the belief in the ability of people to develop insight into the faulty interpretations they form about other people and themselves, the approaches may be considered reasonably empowering for couples. The assumption is that once couples develop insight they are capable of making self-sustaining decisions about their lives. It would seem as though these approaches place too much emphasis on very early life experiences of individuals, and the role these play in creating psychological stress. They fail to explain why so many people develop psychological stress later in life, and fail to acknowledge that psychological tension is a normative reaction to environmental or developmental stressors. Furthermore, they appear to be mostly relevant for couples experiencing psychological dilemmas, such as having difficulty knowing who they are, how they should behave, what they deserve, or what their obligations to others should be. This does explain the large numbers of people who need help because of environmental stressors or limitations. Specht (1990:346) makes this point by saying that psychoanalytic approaches are more suited to helping the ``worried well-white middle class, twenty to forty year olds, who are unhappy, unfulfilled, and unsatisfied''. They do not adequately take into consideration oppressive social contexts that impact on couples. Their central focus is on finding meaning for the individual rather than on investigating the larger social context. This may be difficult for some South Africans to comprehend, because many of our locally specific ethnic groups emphasise a collective rather than an individualistic

95

MGG201W/1

conscience. The psychodynamic approaches are extremely deterministic, and the helper is very directive in the helping process. In other words, people's abilities to be proactive in resolving their difficulties is downplayed. The psychodynamic approaches make no reference to cultural differences which, as we saw in the first chapter, clearly influence human interactions. Finally, I believe that it is far too simplistic to interpret lack of progress during counselling as resistance. Helpers need to acknowledge that clients may not respond to interventions because they may not be suited to their unique individual and/or cultural contexts.

3.2 THE COGNITIVE BEHAVIOURAL APPROACH Introduction

The cognitive-behavioural approach to couple counselling is preoccupied with determining what couples think and how they behave, as they transact with one another and their environment in their day to day lives. Relationship difficulties between partners are considered to be the result of the interaction between the partners' behavioural and cognitive responses to one another. Behavioural and cognitive techniques are used to correct their interactions. Because cognitive behavioural practitioners recognise the complexities of human behaviour, they attach great meaning to the cognitive or thinking components that influence behaviour, such as beliefs, expectations and attributions. They pay attention to family history, experiences in past relationships, general thinking styles, the beliefs about relationships that are engendered by culture and gender, and the nature of partners' expectations of one another in their current interactions. Young and Long (1998) identify three major thrusts of modern behaviour therapy: (1) helping couples increase positive reinforcement; (2) teaching new skills, such as communication training, relaxation, assertiveness; and (3) using cognitive therapy to alter destructive individual thinking patterns. Systematic effort is taken to identify which unique behavioural responses are necessary for couples to be more compatible, while simultaneously trying to modify any cognitive factors that are responsible for the couple's dysfunctional responses to one another. To explain this more simply, the counsellor sets out to help the couple decide which behaviours need to be increased or reduced, so as to improve their general satisfaction in their relationship. At the same time, he or she pays careful consideration to any faulty perceptions that one or both partners entertain which might be responsible for the way they respond to one another. Attention is given to understanding each person in their context by analysing the antecedents or consequences of their responses. The irrational thoughts that influence their responses are pinpointed. Because behaviour, normal and abnormal, is understood to be a learned response to situations, it is considered relatively simple to change. Cooperative behaviours can be learnt and substituted for unhelpful ones.

96 The counsellor urges couples to engage in behaviours that make each (another) happy. They can, with direction, be helped to change the way they think about situations, and this has tremendous bearing on their feelings and the way they will, in the future, react to situations and one another. Appropriate behavioural responses are learnt.

3.2.1 Assumptions on which it is based (a) Positive reinforcement

This explains the process of using pleasant consequences after constructive and cooperative behaviours to increase the probability of these being repeated. For example, when a husband decides to wash the dishes, and his wife compliments him, he feels so good that he is likely to repeat this action. Couples mostly come for counselling when the rewarding process has started to fall away, and each begins to feel that they are being taken for granted. Rewards such as compliments, smiles, hugs and touches help to increase positive behaviours. It must be stressed that each person needs to determine what he or she considers positive reinforcers to be. Some people enjoy affection, others don't. Some are sentimental, and others are practical, and therefore fail to see the benefit of small notes and gifts.

(b) Reciprocity
Couples rely on interpersonal bargaining. People engage in relationships that reward them in some way. For couples to remain in the relationship happily, there needs to be a reasonably equitable exchange of rewarding behaviours between the partners. This is where the saying ``a relationship must be fifty-fifty'' comes from. Nandi values material possessions. She is a beautiful woman married to Khanya, a highly succesful businessman. He does not have much time to devote to Nandi, but she does not mind because the things he provides her with, together with the luxurious lifestyle she enjoys, keep her content. She, in exchange, tolerates his aloofness, and provides him with the flattery he needs to feel confident about himself. When inequality is perceived, one can expect tension. Where there is a major inequality in the level of rewards for partners one might expect the couple to decide to end the relationship or engage in a negotiation process to increase their personal rewards; or one person may continue to profit at the expense of the other. Exchanges that are profitable for one partner but costly for the other decrease the probability of both parties remaining satisfied in that relationship.

(c) Extinction
It is proposed that behaviour that is not reinforced with some form of reward will disappear or become extinct. By removing any reinforcers, unhelpful behaviours can be decreased or eliminated. For example, a woman who sulks when she does not get her own way (undesirable behaviour) makes her husband feel so uncomfortable that he tries to

97

MGG201W/1

cheer her up, and often resorts to giving in to her demands (reinforcing behaviour). He is helped to see that her sulking is undesirable behaviour and should therefore be ignored. When she sulks she finds that her behaviour no longer gets the desired effect from him. She realises that she has to stop sulking. The sulking behaviour becomes extinct with time.

(d) Coercion
This explains the process of a couple's attempt to control one another's behaviour by using negative behaviour. For example, a person who feels that the partner is not paying him or her enough attention may flirt with another person (negative reinforcer) to make the partner jealous. The jealous partner responds by giving more attention (positive reinforcement). If this pattern is ongoing, however, it will eventually result in the jealous partner withdrawing altogether. This cycle of coercion leads to a low exchange of rewards, and significantly reduces the couple's level of satisfaction. Coercion breaks down constructive problem-solving behaviour and decreases successful conflict management. Typical coercive acts are criticism, threats, simple statements that induce guilt, the withholding of rewards in the relationship, and blaming. These pave the way for conflict and unhappiness. Every effort is made to curb destructive attempts of the couple to use punishment and manipulation which are regarded as highly damaging to change their individual levels of satisfaction in the relationship.

(e) Unresolved conflict

Ongoing conflict greatly reduces satisfaction in relationships and derails the couple's inclination to find satisfying reinforcers to keep their love alive. According to Brown and Brown (2002), unresolved conflict is the single most probable cause of marital failure. Sadly, unless couples have good problem solving and communication skills, they will not be able to solve their differences. The counsellor coaches the couple in communication and problem solving, so that they get to the bottom of what is jeopardising their relationship.

(f) Observable behaviour

Counselling is a process which helps the couple to identify what behaviours each partner would like changed, and also uncovers how the problematic behaviours are reinforced in that relationship. Every effort is made to move the couple from developing vague complaints to being more explicit and accurate. Instead of accepting a general statement such as ``My partner doesn't respect me any more'', the counsellor helps the complainant to operationalise this statement by asking questions. A question such as, ``What does he do that tells you that he no longer respects you?'' helps to define the problem more clearly. Together the counsellor and the couple examine what is done, not done, said or not said, and what is needed for the person to conclude that he or she has the respect of the other. One can see from these kinds of

98 questions that the couple focuses on objective evidence about the problem. Data is collected on the intensity, duration and frequency of arguments. Treatment goals are outlined in terms of observable behaviour and attitudinal changes that can be objectively measured and quantified. There is much specificity regarding what needs to be increased, decreased, altered or acquired. This approach does not interpret behaviour or regard it as symptomatic of underlying internal conflicts needing to be resolved. Instead the emphasis is on behavioural deficits and behavioural excesses. Behavioural deficits, according to Sperry and Carlson (1991), may include behaviours such as communication, problem solving, assertiveness and negotiation.

(g) Cognitive components of behaviour

It is generally acknowledged that thoughts, beliefs and expectations act as precursors to a response, or may be formed as the consequence of a behavioural exchange. In other words, if a woman expects that it is the duty of a partner to share household chores, she will be offended if her partner continues to sit and watch television after supper while she clears away the dishes and starts washing up. This expectation will result in her banging the dishes and pretending to ignore her uncooperative partner. Or else, a particular act by a partner may result in certain beliefs being formed, such as in the next example. Nosipho embraces Vukile in public and he pushes her away. Nosipho concludes that Vukile is trying to reject her, and is very hurt. The reality is that Vukile feels uncomfortable about Nosipho displaying her affection in front of his friends, who tease him about being ``under her spell''. He loves her affectionate nature, but finds it difficult to deal with in front of those particular bachelor friends. The counsellor assists Vukile to clarify that he enjoys Nosipho's affection but, because of peer pressure, is unsure of how to deal with it. Nosipho is helped to see that his withholding affection in that instance is in no way an intended rejection of her. People have many misconceptions of love and relationships that lead to their developing unrealistic expectations of their partners. Young and Long (1998:27) refer to the common irrational beliefs that Ellis, the father of cognitive therapy, identified that cause emotional disturbances for individuals. They go on to say that these ``are often 'nutty' ideas about relationships'' (1998:27): . I must have love and approval from everyone who is significant to me, especially the one I love. . I must be completely competent, adequate and achieving, and the one I love must know this. . When people (including my partner) treat me unfairly or badly, they are to blame and I must see them as bad, wicked or rotten. . When I am rejected or treated unfairly by the person I love, it is the end of the world, a catastrophe. . My unhappiness and emotional turmoil is the result of the way people and life treat me, and I have little control to change my feelings.

99

MGG201W/1

. If something appears dangerous (such as the loss of my partner), I should worry about it and make myself anxious. . My history of bad relationships caused my present problems and my history cannot be escaped. This has crippled me, and I am unlovable and unable to have a good relationship. . Life should turn out better than it often does. People should be kinder and should treat me lovingly at all times. If the people I love treat me badly, it is awful and I will never be able to deal with life's grim realities. The role of the counsellor is to assist couples to challenge their faulty conceptions and replace them with more realistic ones.

3.2.2 Theoretical concepts (a) Assessment, monitoring and evaluation

The counsellor explains the importance of finding ways to increase positive interactional patterns between partners. In order to do this the helper and couple have to pinpoint which environmental conditions and behavioural patterns should be altered or opposed. The couple is helped to pinpoint behavioural areas where their generalised contentment has to be increased. These tend to be in the following areas: roles and completion of tasks; finances; sexual relationships; communication; inlaws and extended family; socialising; religion; recreation; children; and values. In view of this assessment, obtaining a baseline from which to measure, monitor and evaluate the effectiveness of treatment becomes critical for tracking or measuring the effectiveness and efficiency of the helping process. Self-report questionnaires and clinical interview schedules, such as standardised scales, systematic observation and coding behaviours, are used for this purpose. The couple is expected to make a public commitment to change, which may be in the form of a contract. Young and Long (1998) explain that these public commitments increase the couple's commitment to goals. The couple tracks its progress throughout the helping process.

(b) The therapeutic relationship

Because most couples arrive at counselling feeling despondent, and resort to blaming one another for the conflict and unhappiness they experience, the counsellor has to alter a couple's mood. This is achieved, in part, by replacing negativity with positive images and memories of what the relationship was like before the problems developed. Right at the outset of counselling, a nonblaming atmosphere is developed. The counsellor explains to the couple that they are in a behavioural cycle or spiral, and the way forward is for them both to take equal responsibility for change. They discover that the goal of counselling is to increase the level of contentment in the relationship for both parties. The counsellor provides an expert, objective and rational opinion. It is his

100 or her responsibility to conduct a thorough assessment of the relationship, and coach and train the couple so that they will know what positive skills and actions they need to incorporate into their relationship to increase their generalised contentment. The relationship between the couple and the therapist is seen as genuine and not based on any transferential projections of unresolved earlier relationships. The counsellor is fairly directive and didactic in comparison to some of the other therapeutic approaches. The counsellor assists the couple to reinstate their previously existing system of exchanges and or create a new exchange system. Because most couples are unable to verbalise the causes of their dissatisfaction in the relationship, the counsellor helps them to identify their unexpressed expectations. The helper's skilled use of techniques enable the couple to fulfil or alter their expectations. The partners are helped to negotiate the kind of, and quantity of, rewards that they expect from one another. The times and places they expect these exchanges to occur are made explicit.

3.2.3 Treatment techniques (a) Communication training

Very specific skills such as teaching respect, reflective listening, negotiation, arranging timely discussion of problems, problem solving, conflict resolution, marital manners, clarifying expectations, and understanding and using nonverbal communication are taught to couples so as to improve their interaction with one another (Young & Long (1998), Brown & Brown (2002), Sperry & Carlson, (1991)). Once learned, these skills can be applied to other relationships, such as in the work place or with the extended family, because they are essential for all human relationships. Brown and Brown (2002) explain that communication training is common to other theoretical paradigms such as systems therapies, relationship therapy and psychoanalytic approaches, but that when adopted by the behavioural approach its application can be easily differentiated from these others. They quote Jacobson, who suggested that behavioural communication training is more systematic, more change-orientated than expression-orientated, and tends to be focused more on the resolution of conflict than on the ventilation of feelings.

(b) Modelling
Social learning theory suggests that many behavioural patterns are acquired by people who imitate the behaviour that they observe, especially within their families of origin. These patterns may be positive or negative. If early experiences expose people to negative patterns of behaviour, then they can unlearn these, and replace them with new ones by imitating people who perform more appropriately. The counsellor helps the couple to find people who demonstrate effective relationship skills. It may be the helper who acts as a live model, or others whom the

101

MGG201W/1

couple admire, or characters in films or video tapes. The models demonstrate the sequential steps necessary to solve the communication problem. The couple are challenged to watch these couples, live or on film, or listen to tapes that demonstrate effective communication, so that they can begin to imitate these desirable communication techniques until they are firmly entrenched in their interactional patterns with one another. Brown and Brown (2002) suggest that the benefit of using film or audio tapes is that they help to stimulate discussion afterwards in the desired direction. They propose that a behavioural therapist should develop a series of tapes, each teaching a different theme: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) listening, expressing a compliment, expressing appreciation, asking for help, giving feedback and expressing affection.

The couple is asked to approximate the desired behaviour and rehearse it until they get it right.

(c) Rehearsal
Before behaviour becomes entrenched it has to be rehearsed or practised, because it is believed that people learn by doing. The counsellor creates opportunities for the couple to rehearse new behaviour under supervision, mostly within sessions, while providing feedback about how they are doing. In some instances they are given homework tasks which are reviewed at the next session. These tasks are simulated, realistic scenarios, which tend to be less heated and emotional. They allow the couple to experiment with the new behaviour without the risk of failure. Brown and Brown (2002) add that practice assists the couple to anticipate possible difficult encounters, and plan how they will handle these more effectively in the future.

(d) Reinforcement and feedback

The helper pays careful attention to the couple's efforts to rehearse the new behaviour. Each person is praised for his or her attempts to use positive communication skills or behaviours. Constructive criticism is given when areas for improvement are identified. The couple use this feedback to further shape and modify their responses to one another. Feedback is a vital incentive for improvement. For it to be really effective it should be free of judgement or blame. It is intended to prompt the person to generalise this insight to other situations as well.

(e) Homework tasks

To ensure that the behaviour taught during counselling sessions is generalised to other contexts, the counsellor may prescribe particular

102 tasks for the couple to rehearse at home. The couple is expected to return to the next session with feedback on their experiences and the outcomes of these tasks.

(f) Behavioural exchange practice

This technique is based on the principle of reciprocal reinforcement. Each partner ``gives'' in order to ``get'' behaviours that they would like from the other. Requests should be more or less equal in weight; they should prescribe positive behaviours that each would like to see more frequently; they should increase satisfaction in the relationship. Simply, the counsellor asks each person to make three requests from the other. The behaviours specified should replace undesired behaviours. For example, Jack may request (1) that William place his dirty laundry in the laundry basket instead of expecting him to clean up after him, (2) that he inform him when he is going to be late from work, instead of just arriving home late, and (3) that he refrain from reminding Jack that it is his flat, and if Jack is unhappy, he should leave. William requests the following from Jack in return: (1) that Jack states his disappointment in one sentence when William informs him that he has to work late, instead of nagging and carrying on about it (2) that Jack allows him to spend one evening a month socialising with his work colleagues, and (3) that Jack refrains from complaining to William's mother when he and William have an argument. There are many other techniques that build on the above concepts, and the discerning learner is urged to research caring days, cost benefit analyses and contracts for change in Brown JH and Brown CS. 2002, pp 4752. Marital therapy: concepts and skills for effective practice. Pacific Grove: Brooks/Cole.

3.2.4 Critique of the cognitive behavioural approach

Perhaps the most salient feature of the behavioural cognitive approach is its attention to detail. This specificity impacts greatly on assessment, treatment and research. Goals are stated clearly and are measurable, and as a result, data collected enables a helper to empirically validate the effectiveness of his or her interventions with clients from specific population groups. Secondly, intervention is specifically tailored for clients, and goals are individualised. Unimodal solutions to couple counselling are not acceptable. Through systematic evaluation of interventions we now have a large body of knowledge that tells us what works best, under what conditions, with what kinds of couples. In view of this one expects cognitive behavioural helpers to be accountable, efficient and effective. When a technique does not work it is eliminated, or it is improved upon. This therapeutic approach has a broad base of intervention strategies for a wide range of clients. The principles and

103

MGG201W/1

strategies that couples learn during therapy can be applied to a range of problem situations in other contexts of their lives. The criticisms are that cognitive behaviour therapy is so structured that the helper may fail to adequately explore the emotional issues of couples who are in therapy. Some clients need to focus more on their subjective experiences, and spend time working through traumas. Cognitive behavioural therapy places very little emphasis on the past, especially the historical development of a couple's problems. There are times when it may be necessary to work through issues that are clearly rooted in childhood experiences, as explained by the psychodynamic approaches. Some practitioners criticise this approach because they believe that not all problems can be corrected by teaching new behaviours and changing faulty thoughts. Relationships and people are too complicated, and this kind of deterministic and linear thinking is too simplistic. A criticism particularly pertinent to couples counselling is that the helper's preoccupation with techniques and measurement of interventions may cause him or her to overlook the importance of developing a good rapport with both partners. The helper may rush in to suggest interventions for the couple, without developing a clear interactional definition of the problem. Intervention may be directed at an individual, rather than the couple as a system, because of this. Another shortcoming that should be mentioned is that it can be very tempting to exclude the couple in the planning of intervention when using this approach, as the helper's role is that of expert. Prescribing what has worked with other clients is easy to do, and is seldom met with resistance from recipients of the counselling service. Couples do not enter counselling considering themselves to be equal to the helper, and therefore wait to be prescribed to. Their collaboration in the helping process in this situation is lost and they may become further disempowered. When using this approach, the helper should be acutely aware of the environmental context that the couple find themselves in. For example, unless the helper is particularly mindful of the cultural context in which he or she is working, damage can be done by implementing commonly used treatment goals. For example, teaching assertiveness skills to a Zulu woman who is married to a very traditional husband could lead to her situation getting worse. In this cultural context, a high price is placed on women complying with men in the home. Finally, as pointed out by Corey (1995:376), skill development alone is not enough for clients who are being marginalised, or whose status in the home is diminished. Teaching relationship skills to women who have no income, no shelter or no status is not going to change their lives.

ACTIVITY
List your own criticisms of this approach. List some of the criticisms that you may have about using this approach in your community.

104

3.3 THE PERSON-CENTRED APPROACH TO COUPLES COUNSELLING Introduction

In the 1940s Carl Rogers developed an approach to working with people, individuals, groups and communities which was first known as clientcentred therapy and then renamed the person-centred approach. It emphasised the importance of helpers developing a deep respect for the subjective experiences of individuals, as well as trust in their capacity to make constructive choices, within the context of permissive, affirming therapeutic relationships. Rogers proposed that human beings have an inherent capacity to move toward wholeness and self actualisation and are capable of finding their own direction with minimal help from counsellors (Corey, 1995:263). The person-centred approach relies more on therapeutic attitudes than skills and techniques, and so Rogers in Corey (1995:263) proposes that it should be regarded as a set of values and beliefs about helping that counsellors adopt when they develop therapeutic relationships with clients, rather than as a theoretical approach. In other words it should be ``a way of being'' rather than ``a way of doing'', with less emphasis being placed on the therapist developing therapeutic techniques and skills. An interesting factor is that Rogers made little reference to family-based counselling in his writings. He wrote of the implications of individual therapy for family life and of couple problems, but he did not do couple or family therapy. Anderson (1989 (a)) suggests that this may be because the person-centred movement has deep conceptual and empirical roots in self-psychology. Other theorists and practitioners have extended his methods beyond individual therapy, expanding on the approach by stressing individual and mutual perspectives that are common in couple and family therapy. Clearly, couple and family therapy are different from individual therapy because in couple or family therapy the counsellor is required to simultaneously respond to individual and social frames of reference. The work of Guerney (Guerney & Guerney, 1989), Relationship Enhancement Model, is a classic example of how Rogers's ideas can be incorporated into a therapeutic model that is suitable for working with couples.

3.3.1 The core conditions of the person-centred approach

Many authors who write about the person-centred approach highlight the key personal qualities of helpers as being essential to developing meaningful relationships with individuals in counselling (Corey ,1995; Grobler, Schenck and du Toit, 2003; Anderson 1989 (b); O'Leary, 1989). These are often referred to as core conditions or the helper's personhood. We will now consider how these core conditions apply to working with couples. Gaylin (1989) stresses that the creation of a therapeutic relationship in family therapy is not straightforward, because the helper has to achieve psychological contact with more than one person at a time, as well as being expected to form a relationship with the system as a

105

MGG201W/1

whole (ie the couple or family). The counsellor works with a multidimensional view of the individual family members, namely their individual and collective perceptions of their situation, together with an appraisal of the environment that they find themselves in. The core conditions are simply:

(a) Unconditional positive regard

Snyder explains that this refers to the counsellor's `'non possessive warmth and acceptance of the other person's right to his or her feelings, thoughts, experience and point of view'' (1989:359). This condition necessitates that each person in the relationship is allowed to feel deeply respected and accepted without judgment. O'Leary (2002) stresses that parties involved in couples counselling are helped to recognise that their distress and perceived shortcomings are acceptable and that they will not be judged by them. Each is accepted, without one person's acceptance being superior to that of another. The partners are helped to move from blaming and judging positions to a point where they try to understand each person's motivations behind their actions. Actions are considered to be driven by positive intentions. In couple and family counselling, members may find the counsellor's nonjudgemental stance difficult to get used to, because they expect that their point of view will be validated and their partner's corrected. Each person considers his or her perceptions to be reality. It seems as though people tend to believe that one person is right and another is wrong, which is not true.

(b) Empathic understanding

The helper endorses and reflects understanding of one person's perspective and then goes on to do the same for the other person. Each is left feeling understood from his or her unique perspective, and yet also develops an understanding of the other person's world, without his or her own feelings getting bound up in that understanding. Empathising serves several functions: it alerts partners to more than their own realities, it makes them listen so hard that it becomes too difficult to retaliate with counter arguments, and each develops a clearer understanding of what the reality of the situation actually is. O'Leary (1989) suggests that in family or couple counselling the helper has to be more active in demonstrating understanding because there is more than one personal perspective that is dealt with at one time. It may even require the use of behavioural gestures to complement the verbal expressions of understanding. Examples of these are: sitting next to someone who is in trouble, sitting between two people who are stuck, getting up and opening a window when someone says he or she feels trapped. In these examples the helper's actions speak louder than words. The helper strives to listen to the explicit and implicit messages of each person. As there are several people sharing their stories at once, this demands a very active form of listening and directiveness. Advanced empathic skills are needed to assist the couple to identify what is really going on in their relationship.

106

(c) Congruence
Congruence refers to the very authentic pattern of relating to the couple that the helper uses to make the couple become more comfortable about lowering their defences and being more open and honest. The helper relies upon his or her own thoughts, feelings, talents and predisposition to help the couple deal with their concerns. By being open about these, the helper demonstrates the psychological benefits that are gained from being sincere. Being able to respond genuinely about the derogatory way a couple respond to one another, without taking sides, is an effective tool used by the helper to enable the warring parties to recognise that they need to let go of their rigid, polarised positions. Their interactional style is examined without blaming and accusing either partner. Each partner's self-respect is left intact, and each is provided with the opportunity to review the effectiveness of their initial positions. Congruence is an advanced skill, used in couples counselling to effectively challenge the couple to develop a wider understanding of their situation.

(d) Reliance on the couple's personal power

It is essential for the helper to adopt a strong belief in the couple's potential to make self-sustaining choices about their relationship. The helper refrains from making decisions for the couple, and relies on their personal strength and integrity to shape the direction of their future together. ``The primary technique which leads to insight on the part of the clients is one that demands the utmost in self-restraint on the counsellor's part ... To recognise that insight is an experience achieved, not an experience which can be imposed is an important step in progress for the counsellor'' (Kirschenbaum in O'Leary, 1989:309). This belief in the couple's own capacity to behave constructively and responsibly places positive demands on them because it is assumed that they will make positive choices based on any insight they gain during counselling. When the couple encounters these conditions, it is thought that they lower their defences and work cooperatively toward developing meaningful couple goals. This process eventually leads to appropriate and meaningful changes in each person's life and behaviour. These changes benefit their couple relationship. If these conditions are not created, the couple becomes defensive, rigid and resistant to exploring the real issues that worry them. It can be concluded that the conditions are vital for the development of the insight necessary for engineering the changes required for their happiness.

3.3.2 The Assumptions on which the approach was developed

Rogers reluctantly formulated nineteen propositions which influenced the way he understood human behaviour and functioning. He presented them in the hopes that practitioners and theorists would continue to explore, test and adapt them. These propositions have been simplified and condensed.

107

MGG201W/1

. People are basically trustworthy, reliable and constructive and therefore entitled to be treated with respect and dignity. . People are complex beings, consisting of thoughts, feelings and actions. These are all interrelated and need to be viewed and understood holistically. . People's behaviour should be understood as attempts to satisfy their needs. . One can calculate the importance of a person's needs by measuring the intensity of his or her responses in situations. Often people may not even be aware or conscious of their needs, as many of these remain unconscious until people reach a stage where they try to clarify what is going on in their lives. . People all have their own private worlds of meaning that constantly change with time. The only way people can be understood is by exploring their subjective experiences. . People are mostly subjective. They consider their perceptions or experiences as reality. In other words, the only way we can understand people is by being willing to explore their perceptions and realising that they consider their perceptions to be the truth. . When people feel vulnerable or anxious, they tend to behave more defensively and become more rigid. One is likely to recognise people in these situations engaging in defensive behaviours such as denial, distortion, minimising, blaming or rationalising. . Nondefensiveness is a prerequisite for healing and personal growth, and so helpers need to create therapeutic relationships in which people feel accepted, understood and safe, so that they lower their defences. . High levels of acceptance, empathy, congruence and permissiveness in therapeutic relationships enable people to lower their defences. They allow people to explore the real issues impacting on their lives and to symbolise their unsymbolised experiences. This results in insight, the critical step in change or healing. . People possess within themselves an in-built motivation to develop insight, gained from the relationship with the helper, into action that will promote meaningful change. People have enormous potential for growth, health, adjustment, socialisation, self-realisation, independence and autonomy. . People have a capacity for regulating or modifying their behaviour once they understand what motivates it in the first place. . The human need for acceptance is so great that often people engage in behaviours just to gain approval. This may even result in their internalising values that are not their own. Without the people realising it, these introjected values create psychological tension. . People need to reach a point where they are able to define with accuracy who they are, and what their strengths and weaknesses are, so that their actual self and perceived self become consistent. Inconsistency between the actual self and perceived self generates tension. . People tend to behave in ways that are consistent with their perceptions of who they are.

108 . People experience life at conscious and unconscious levels. The greater the person's consciousness of their experiences, the more likely they are to experience psychological comfort. . Before people can be forgiving and/or accepting of others, they have to demonstrate these attitudes in relation to themselves. . People who are more self-accepting and open to their actual selves choose values based on their own evaluation processes, They do not blindly internalise the values of others. Self-chosen values are usually the most self-sustaining values and reflect emotional maturity.

3.3.3 Applying the person-centred approach to work with couples

Couples counselling aims to assist couples to develop more honest assessments of who they are and what their relationships offer. Each partner is encouraged to explore his/her individual perceptions about the relationship, and to define the needs, behaviours and values involved. This openness or congruence paves the way for them to develop insight that leads to their deciding what remedial action should be taken to improve their relationship. The counsellor creates a safe context, through the use of the core conditions of helping, to enable the couple to express their experiences with one another sincerely and openly. They become more self-aware in the process. To explain this more practically, when a couple comes for counselling, each party tends to present himself or herself as being in control, the good, competent one. Each is likely to suggest that if only their partner would try harder, the problems would diminish. These different ``realities'' are important to understand and explore until both partners begin to understand the basis of one another's actions. The unconditional positive regard, empathy and congruence demonstrated by the helper are most effective in helping the couple to recognise and accept that there are ``multiple realities''. The ``multiple realities'' provide them with sufficient insight to know that they have to find mutually satisfying solutions. Individual and mutual perspectives are significant. As Anderson (1989(b), 246) explains, ``the constant interplay of therapist congruence, prizing, and empathic response both to personal, subjective meaning and interpersonal, inter subjective meaning is what distinguishes couple and family therapy from individual therapy''. Rogers defined psychological distress as that which results from the disparity between the actual experience of the individual and the individual's self-image. Gaylin (1989) explains that applying the concept of incongruence to the milieu of the family enriches this idea further. In working with couples and families, the incongruence of each family member, as well as the incongruence of the system as a whole, requires attention. The helper needs to be alert to the idea that, while different family members have a shared experience of their family, each person's perception is influenced by their unique experiences as an individual family member. Variables such as each partner's experience of the family of origin, the order in which they were born, their perceptions of other

109

MGG201W/1

families (real or unreal, such as those encountered in books or on television) are unique individual experiences. To illustrate the implications of this for couple counselling, Gaylin (1989) provides the example of a couple's relationship starting to deteriorate. Because the children seem to need to believe that their parents care about each other, they might blame their parents' difficulties on themselves. If they had behaved better, or achieved more academically, or treated their siblings with more consideration, their parents would not be arguing. One child might withdraw, refuse to go to school, present with other behavioural problems and thereby create anguish, pain and distress for all the family members. This may become so intense that it causes the whole family to seek help. They present for help primarily because of the incongruence of the individual child; however it soon becomes apparent that there is incongruence between the parents' relationship and the family as a whole. The counsellor has to be mindful of where the incongruence lies, in individuals, in subrelationships, or in the system as a whole. The discovery and unravelling of these complexities are vital in couple and family counselling. Congruence on the part of the therapist is often more difficult to achieve in couple and family counselling than in individual therapy. The counsellor has to communicate openly with more than one person simultaneously, at a time when both present their worst sides, because they are in conflict with one another. It is difficult to value individuals who are at war with one another, because in this state they are very defensive and likely to be retaliatory. Their emotions are so heightened that their main intent is to hurt one another, at great cost to the relationship and their own self-respect. Furthermore, it becomes a real challenge to empathise with several people simultaneously, who are of different ages and genders, and have been exposed to different life experiences. Because of the dynamic nature of these interactions, the helper is challenged to maintain a stance of neutrality when his or her old and unresolved family issues may be evoked by a couple or family who are being counselled. When the counsellor maintains a non judgemental stance towards all parties, the family may be able to ``reframe'' the situation. The positive intentions behind the behaviour or the needs of the members are more clearly identified, and they all develop a much deeper understanding of the situation (Gaylin, 1989).

3.3.4 Critique of the person-centred approach

Authors such as Guerney believe that empathy is not sufficient to counteract people's dysfunctional models of communication and relationships, and so they added skills training to the Rogerian base of the Relationship Enhancement Model (Snyder 1989). It seems that Guerney's intent was for clients to continually experience, observe, and learn person-centred practices through the counsellor demonstrating and

110 modelling them. In order to achieve this, the counsellor makes use of behavioural techniques such as modelling, prompting, behavioural rehearsal, homework and reinforcement. On a positive note, this approach provides a context in which the couple can learn to express their emotions in a fully uninhibited way, without abusing each other. Snyder (1989) argues that in a world where authoritarian, hierarchical parenting and teaching provide few models for empathising and expressing thoughts and feelings subjectively, this provides a refreshing change. People are helped to learn more about the perspectives of their significant others, and to free themselves from the narrow constraints of their own perceptions. Because the emphasis is placed on the creation of a nonthreatening atmosphere, the person-centred approach is a useful one for assisting couples to make the unconscious conscious, and gain control over what for them would normally have remained unconscious. It enables them to be very active in finding out ``what is really going on'' in their relationship. Each person develops a much wider picture than that of their own reality. They start to think of in terms of developing a shared reality with their partner. As explained by Anderson (1989(a) 246) ``It takes on issues that often move beyond self-experience into the realm of shared experience, issues that deal with the `I' and the `we' ''. This approach is quite time consuming, and critics question the probable success rate of a permissive, nondirective facilitator who believes that the development of insight alone will change the complicated behavioural exchanges of couples. One may ask whether busy practitioners have the time to allow couples to determine what they want to talk about and when they want to do so. As behaviour change is daunting for many, there are clients who want a more structured process where the skilled helper assists them to move systematically from assessment, to planning intervention, to implementing intervention, to evaluating intervention and then to follow-up. Strictly speaking, the person-centred approach lacks this kind of structure and directedness. Finally, this approach focuses on the individual. Within our context there are many people who place more emphasis on a collective identity and downplay the importance of the individual's needs and right to personal happiness because the well-being of the family, clan or community counts for more.

3.4 AN AFROCENTRIC PERSPECTIVE ON HELPING Introduction

This has been the most difficult part of the guide to develop. Meyer, Moore and Viljoen (2003) provide three main suggestions as to why writing about an African perspective is so challenging. Firstly, there does not seem to be any specific personality theory from a purely African perspective. It becomes difficult to know where to look or what to focus

111

MGG201W/1

on, since little has been recorded. That which we do know has been translated orally, through folklore, traditions, art, singing and dance. The messages have been handed down through the ages. Secondly, there are many different views within a traditional African perspective. The differences may be attributed to the enormous diversity experienced on the African continent. Some of the differences relate to the many geographical, human, linguistic and religious differences that are encountered in Africa. Thirdly, Africans are in a transitory phase of development. Individuals in Africa are at different stages along the continuum between traditional and modern. What we do know is that African thought has a distinctive character that appears to be based on two very broad themes: the individual personality is linked to the universe as a whole, and the only way of understanding the individual is in relation to his or her sense of belonging and responsibility to the community at large. Symbols, mythical explanations and rituals play a significant role in helping individuals to deal with their crises (Meyer et al 2003:531). Symbols and folklore have helped to pass some of the important universal understandings of the Afrocentric perspective down through the generations. The person has a collective conscience and considers the self as one with the community and universe. The individual is expected to invest in, and in return be nurtured by, the community and universe. These intrinsic beliefs caution us that mindless application of western concepts of psychotherapy and counselling should not just be superimposed on African people. This is because western psychotherapy places too much emphasis on the rights of the individual, competition, self-actualisation, individuality and personal responsibility. Such concepts are not acknowledged in the traditional Afrocentric perspective. Let us take a closer look at some of the common assumptions on which the Afrocentric perspective is based.

3.4.1 The philosophical basis of the Afrocentric perspective

According to African wisdom, a person forms an invisible whole with the cosmos. In other words, God, fellow human beings and nature are one. They can be differentiated into three cosmic orders: the macro-cosmos, the meso-cosmos and the micro-cosmos.

(a) The macro-cosmos

This is the domain in which God is encountered and embraces the full humanness of traditional Africans. God is understood to have withdrawn from day-to-day human existence and ascended to a superior level. The ancestors stepped in to act as the intervening medium through which people would have ongoing contact with God. This is important because Meyer et al (2003) emphasise that the daily functioning of traditional African people is, fundamentally, religious functioning. The individual perceives a need to live life according to God's expectations. Religion is considered to be the fundamental expression of the human mind. Religion becomes part and parcel of every basic element of the person's daily

112 routine, such as when the person ploughs, fishes, drinks beer, attends a funeral, sings songs of praise and so on. In view of this, sacred and worldly, religion and nonreligion, spiritual and material are not separated or differentiated. Traditional religion focuses on community awareness rather than individual awareness. The individual is considered to be an integral part of the community and the community an extension of the individual. The emphasis on community helps to ensure that beliefs, ceremonies, rituals and festivals within the community locate religion within the psyche of all the people.

(b) The meso-cosmos

This is described as a kind of no-man's-land, ``where coincidences and the forces of the ancestors, malignant spirits and sorcerers hold sway'' (Meyer et al, 2003:533). The meso-cosmos is broad. It includes ancestors, the living reality of animals and humans, as well as the natural physical reality of nature, such as trees, bushes, mountains, rivers, streams and seas. This cosmos gives rise to good and bad fortune. It is believed that all illness, conflict, hardships, success, luck, can be explained according to the relationships that exist between the individual and the creatures of the meso-cosmos. This is a fundamental difference between the Afrocentric perspective and most Western psychotherapies. This belief implies that human behaviour is regulated by external agents. In view of this, humans can not be held responsible or accountable for the situations they find themselves in. The causes of their actions are attributable to external, supernatural beings or powers. Empirical reasoning and rational scientific explanations are not sufficient to explain the position the person finds him or herself in. Rather, the person is expected to look for invisible powers and beings behind the empirical reality. For this reason, personal initiatives by traditional people in searching for solutions to their situations or difficulties tend to be repressed and they appear to be more fatalistic.

(c) The micro-cosmos

``Only in terms of other people does the individual become conscious of his being, his duties, his privileges and responsibilities towards himself and towards other people. When he suffers, he does not suffer alone but with the corporate group. When he rejoices, he rejoices not alone but with his kinsmen, his neighbours and his relatives whether dead or living'' (Mbiti in Meyer et al, 2003:536). This domain refers to the individual in his or her everyday collective existence. The individual is expected to direct his or her efforts to be one with the community and nature. Characteristics such as cooperativeness, interdependence, collective responsibility and agreement are favoured above values such as individual actualisation, self expression and competition. Naturally, the micro-cosmos is influenced by the macro-cosmos and the meso-cosmos.

113

MGG201W/1

3.4.2 Important considerations when working according to a traditional Afrocentric perspective

. Behaviour and functioning are only explained from an ecosystemic point of view. Humans are part of a physical, social, cultural and spiritual environment and can only be understood within these contexts. They are related to nature, God and each other in a systematic way. . Cognitive functioning is downplayed because more attention is given to intuition and feelings. Meyer et al (2003:538) actually refer to this as intuitive rationality. They explain that this form of rationality embraces the ``rationality of the heart'', where the ``heart'' is the personal, spiritual centre of each individual, the core of his or her relationships with others, the accurate holistic perception that a person has of his or her situation. This intuitive rationality is spontaneous, apprehending and appreciating. . Time is associated with the natural rhythm of the universe. Time may be classified into actual time (referring to events that are currently happening, or that already have happened) and potential time (referring to things that will definitely happen in the immediate future, in the natural rhythm of phenomena, such as sunrise and sunset). The future as defined by Westerners has little significance for traditional Africans. Contrary to Western philosophies, a traditional Afrocentric perspective does not consider that time is a commodity that can be bought and sold. Rather, time is regarded as something that has to be created by the activities or events that the person engages in. The individual is more present focused than future orientated and so goal setting becomes incompatible with the natural rhythm of life. . Health is a holistic concept. It refers to physical, mental, spiritual and social integration or wholeness. When illness or disease strike, the individual acknowledges that some power of the universe has been disrupted and needs to be restored. Instead of the emphasis being placed on a particular body part, it is placed on the person as a whole. . Pathological behaviour is seen as the result of a disharmony between a person and his or her ancestors, or caused by the evil spells or deeds of the malicious spirits or sorcerers. Traditionalists are likely to ask, ``Who brought this on?'' rather than, ``What caused this to happen?'' . Recovery involves listening to the voices of the ancestors. Ancestors are regarded as kind spirits who provide protection against evil and destructive forces. They try to work together to preserve the honour, traditions and good name of the clan. When an individual or family fails to comply with the expectations of the ancestors, the ancestors become displeased and send disorder and misfortune in the form of physical and/or mental illness as punishment or warnings. The misfortune is likely to abate if the person or family re-establishes communication with the ancestors. Rituals that involve bringing the ancestors ``back home'' again and holistic healing promote recovery. Mostly, the person needs the cooperation of the family, and at times, the active participation in rituals by others in the family. . Dreams are considered as significant communications from the

114 ancestors. The ancestors communicate messages to the dreamer that the dreamer takes at face value, and acts upon during the wakeful state. The dreams may instruct the dreamer to perform healing rituals to reconcile their differences with a deceased relative, or perform a developmental ritual that was ignored or overlooked at a particular time or developmental stage, or provide instruction for the person to go to a particular place for a particular purpose. . Rituals such as singing, dancing, cleansing ceremonies replace the Western preoccupation with the ``talking cure''. Verbalising concerns fail to have the same therapeutic significance in traditional African culture, because in many African cultures some things cannot be expressed verbally, only felt. . Family members are interdependent financially as well as emotionally (Carter & McGoldrick, 1989:514). Individual survival and success depend upon others. It is essential that any problem be examined within the context of the multiple system relationships in which the person finds himself or herself.

3.4.3 Traditional helping

Historically, counselling was a tool that was used in traditional African culture, and specific counselling roles were allocated to specific people, within families or communities. Most typically, those who provided counselling and support were uncles, aunts, grandparents, elders in the community, traditional healers, church elders and ministers; they were called on in times of family distress (Charema, 2004:50). Even these highly esteemed members were mostly connected to the family in some way. They were highly respected for the wisdom that they had accumulated in their own lives. Aunts influenced young girls on issues such as their bodies, sex, sexual hygiene, and the behaviour expected of a wife and mother. They advised young girls who were dating and helped them to assess the suitability of their boyfriends. They counselled and guided young women towards successful marriages, being very active during the premarital stage, informing them about their expected roles as wives, mothers and homemakers. Uncles did the same with young men who were preparing to marry. They were also called upon to give advice when a young man experienced problems in his marriage. When families were unable to resolve their disputes on their own, they turned to the elders in the community for counsel and guidance. Traditional healers continue to be consulted to deal with many problems which manifest themselves in the form of bad luck, illness or constant hardship. The traditional healers communicate with the spirits of the ancestors. They advise the family on how to safeguard themselves from the evil spirits and witchcraft. When misfortune or illness strike, the traditional healer seeks to find the causes and solutions. Counselling takes the form of giving advice and suggesting solutions, without giving the individuals involved the opportunity to become active in finding

115

MGG201W/1

solutions to their problems. When the outcome of counselling is unfavourable, the person seeking guidance is blamed in place of the counsellor or traditional healer. Because it is believed that healers are inspired by the ancestors and the ancestors can never be wrong, the advice given by a healer must be accurate and appropriate. Therefore, the failure to obtain relief must be attributed to the relief seekers for failing to implement the advice given to them, or following the instructions properly. With increasing urbanisation, Africans living in towns have acculturated into the Western world-view and are moving away from their cultural socialisation (Malroni in Charema, 2004:50). The twentieth century has seen the spread of Western counselling, and guidance centres have been established by nongovernmental organisations to try to strengthen family life. These centres mainly service urban areas, but there has been a desperate bid to decentralise them so that people living in rural areas may also benefit from the services that they render.

3.4.4 Western versus traditional therapy

The work of Rudnick as summarised in Meyer et al (2003:546547) suggests that there are two completely different approaches to healing in South Africa: a Western, predominantly medically-oriented approach and an African, predominantly spiritually-oriented approach. Rudnick tabulates the differences of African and Western healing, and also identifies several similarities. Both Western therapists and African shamans are socially sanctioned healers in their respective cultures. Both use rituals to relieve their clients of distress. The Western therapist uses weekly sessions of conversation, drama, art, sand tray therapy and hypnosis. The traditional healer relies on rituals such as throwing bones or ecstatic trance. Both approaches depend on the trust and belief of those they are helping. They both evoke some type of confession and catharsis which relieve the client's guilt and anxiety, or restore the broken harmony with the ancestors. Charema (2004:52) adds that both aim to resolve the problem and both emphasise confidentiality. The tabulated differences appear below.
African 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. Practical relationship Open (community) relationship Directive approach Deals with supernatural and natural world Focus is ``Who caused this?'' Aimed at social cohesion Healer tells client why he has come Mostly incorporates pharmacology Generally prescribes a ritual Boundaries often wide, eg client lives with healer Western Idealised (Rogerian) relationship Confiding (private) relationship Mostly indirective approach Deals mostly with the natural world Focus is ``What is happening?'' Aimed at individual empowerment Client tells therapist why he has come Sometimes resorts to pharmacology Rarely prescribes a ritual Boundaries mostly restricted, eg non-contact weekly visit

116
11. Client motivation generally seen as conscious 12. Dreams are direct communications from ancestors 13. Healer's personal values intrinsic to the process 14. Main tools are materials such as bones or equivalent Client motivation generally seen as unconscious Dreams are intrapsychic and symbolic Therapist's personal values are subjugated Main tools are verbal

Rudnick's tabulation of differences in Western and African healing as presented in Meyer, W, Moore, C, Viljoen, H. 2003. Personology: from individual to ecosystem. Third edition. Sandown: Heinemann. Charema (2004) adds two additional differences. In the Western approach to counselling, the clients have to be active in finding solutions for their problems, and in traditional Afrocentric helping the helpers provide the solutions and the recipients passively accept them. In Western counselling approaches, the helper is usually a stranger. By comparison, in the Afrocentric situation, the helpers are usually well acquainted with the couple, as they are normally relatives or well known people living in the same community who have been connected with the family or extended family over time. The main criticism of Western approaches is that they are based on strategies and techniques designed to cater for the Anglo-European cultures. This criticism is rather deceptive, as modern counselling approaches have made a marked shift to be more pluralistic. Helping calls for a multicultural perspective and counsellors are expected to be creative and flexible without necessarily ignoring the commonality of human beings (Nelson-Jones, 1993:168). Other criticisms directed at the Western approaches are that their techniques are too sophisticated, expensive and time consuming, and suited only to addressing the needs of a small elite group. Charema (2004:53) challenges this, saying that humanist counselling, when employed correctly, does not violate cultural boundaries.

3.5 SYSTEMS THEORIES 3.5.1 Structural therapy Introduction

Salvador Minuchin developed a way of working with families in the early 1970s. The principles he used for working with families have since been applied to work with couples. His approach is known as structural therapy. Structural therapy emphasises the active and organised wholeness of a family system. It proposes that by focusing on the interactions of family members, the helper is able to understand the inappropriate relationship structures, alliances and communication patterns, and to assist the family to address these.

117

MGG201W/1

Clearly, the couple or the family as a whole is considered to be the clients, rather than an individual within the family system. The interaction between family members and the ways they relate to one another become the foci of concern, not the individuals. The problems or symptoms that are responsible for a couple presenting for counselling are interpreted to be the couple's attempts to maintain the relationship, or prevent their family from disintegrating. Therefore, symptoms are regarded as the couple or family's coping mechanisms. The entire family is seen to be involved in the creation and maintenance of relationship problems. In view of this, as many family members as possible are included in the counselling process. When the couple, or family, present at counselling, one person usually displays the symptoms and the family hold the belief that it is this person who is causing the problem. During therapy, they soon learn that the symptoms that the person developed are actually ingenious attempts to try to stabilise the family. The person who is considered the identified patient is actually the scapegoat, because all members in a family contribute to the problem without seeing this. The family therapist is mindful of coalitions, alliances and scapegoating as these become the foci of change. Once the patterns are identified and the family has been made aware of them, the helper advises members on how to change their existing family structures. This approach is named structural therapy because the helper sets out to assist the family to make the necessary structural changes in their family. The helper develops a supportive alliance with the family as a whole in order to achieve this. Time has to be devoted to the helper joining with the family. This means that the helper tries to become a part of them, so that he or she develops an inside view of what is really happening. Unless joining has been achieved, the helper will not be influential in enabling the family to make the structural changes that are needed for healing or recovery.

3.5.1.1 Key terms and definitions

The family system usually contains three key subsystems: the marital system; the parent-child subsystem; the sibling subsystem. Each subsystem has its own status, level of intimacy, power and communication patterns. One expects subsystems to be arranged hierarchically and each to have its own boundaries. For example, a brother and sister may disclose certain secrets to one another that they will not disclose to a parent. The husband and wife are expected to share a very intimate relationship with one another that is different from the relationships they form with their children.

(a) Homeostasis
When a problem occurs, such as entering a new developmental stage in the family life cycle, the family members respond to the stress by displaying reactions that attempt to keep the family in its previously lower level of anxiety. For example, Gwen, the oldest child in the family, is leaving home to work overseas. In many ways she has helped to keep the family together. Her parents have been very proud of her and their

118 shared interest in her scholastic and sporting achievements have kept them together. For some time her parents have not had an intimate relationship, and although they are civil to one another, there is little warmth between them. Susan, the youngest daughter, suddenly starts to stay away from school. The parents are very worried and rally around to try to find out what the problem is. They make an appointment to see the counsellor. They consider Susan to be the identified patient, but in reality their therapist explains that the whole family is considered to be the patient or problem. Susan's symptom of truanting is seen as an attempt to keep the parents together because Gwen is leaving. Young and Long (1998:47) describe homeostasis as ``a self-regulating function, a state of balance or relative quietude during which the unit can perform some of its functions and support some of the members''.

(b) Alignment
This is the term given when two or more members of a family develop an alliance in order to achieve a common goal. Alliances are formed to maintain the homeostasis of the family. I am sure that you are aware of a mother joining with the son who wants permission to go out. By getting the mother on his side, his chances are increased as the mother helps to persuade the father to let him go. The mother and son's alliance against the father is strong. The father is outnumbered and therefore yields to the mother's request on the son's behalf.

(c) Boundaries
These are imaginary lines that separate systems from each other, and the subsystems from the larger family. The boundary that surrounds the marital couple makes it a distinct subsystem, separate from the children. Boundaries are described as invisible membranes that determine the rules of who participates in the system or subsystem and how. Boundaries may be permeable, in other words there are some people who are allowed to interfere in the system and exert their influence on them. Boundaries may also be rigid, meaning the system is so closed that it resists any outside influences.

(d) Enmeshment
This describes an excessive amount of connection and cohesion between members of the family, or the family as a whole. It is unhealthy because the members forfeit privacy, independence and autonomy. The enmeshed members are highly dependent upon one another, often to the detriment of other family members' individual development. When two people are overinvolved in one another's lives, they are unable to be congruent and sincere. It is as though the boundaries between the two individuals have become blurred.

119

MGG201W/1

(e) Disengagement
This is the exact opposite of enmeshment. The relational ties between the members are so loose and distant that mutual support is lacking. The partners are so independent and autonomous that they do not have any common existence. Intimacy, self-disclosure and a sense of belonging are not evident.

3.5.1.2 Some premises of structural therapy

Young and Long (1998:48) summarise the basic premises of structural therapy. . Couple's relationships have three basic dimensions: boundaries, power and alignment. . Boundary problems are described as enmeshment or disengagement. In helping couples one strives to achieve relationships where there is nurturance and caring that unite the partners as a couple, while also safeguarding each person's privacy and independence as a means of protecting their individuality. . A hierarchy of power is recognised as relevant. One wants parents to have more power then children, and older children to have more power than younger children. The helper makes sure that the family or couple recognise whether their power structures are functional or dysfunctional. . Unhealthy alliances between members are identified and changed. One never wants a parent to develop an alliance with a child if there are adult responsibilities and roles that the child will be expected to manage as part of the alliance. To illustrate this, think of a father who is overwhelmed when his wife is very unwell. He may turn to his eldest daughter for support. She undertakes the responsibility of attending to her mother's duties. As she does, her father begins to confide in her. Even though she is a child, she worries about the family and is mindful of trying to protect her father from having to deal with any problems. She starts to withdraw from her friends and extracurricular activities. Her role has become ``parentified'' and her concerns have become adult concerns. . Healthy families have clearly defined generational boundaries. Parents form an alliance against the children, and have more say over important family issues. Parents have more power and status in the family because they bear more responsibility. . Healthy families have workable rules about who makes the decisions and how they are made. . When the helper assists the family to change the boundaries and alignments and reshape the hierarchy of power in the home, then the family usually experiences a positive change. Structural change in the family leads to change within individual members. . Joining is critical to this process. The helper takes time to engage with each member of the family. This therapeutic alliance is not only about creating comfortable conditions for the couple or family to explore their issues. It is also about challenging the couple or family to change.

120 After joining with the family, the helper begins changing the boundaries and alignments and redistributing the power in the family. . Normal developmental stages in the family life cycle tend to generate problems for the family. Families need to be helped to see how each stage requires the family to reorganise their family structure in order to deal with the new developmental tasks. . Couples' problems develop and are maintained in the family context. Therefore, the whole family needs to be considered when dealing with a couple's problems. . The present is considered more important than the past. The helper is very preoccupied with the here and now. The only time the past becomes significant is when it is re-enacted in the present.

3.5.1.3 Therapeutic skills (a) Joining

``Joining refers to the technique of providing support and a sense of being connected to the couple'' (Young & Long, 1998:54). The helper tries to form a bond with each member of the couple, providing support and a sense of connection. The usual relationship building skills are relevant, such as attentive listening, reflecting, and empathising. Joining communicates to the couple or family that the helper is working with them and that they accept the helper as a leader and guide. Brown and Brown (2002:3334) identify three aspects of the joining process. They are accommodation, tracking and mimesis. Accommodation refers to the way the helper adapts his or her style to accommodate the couples or families. Careful attention is given to the family values, culture and language. The helper integrates these when joining with the family. For example, if the father is the family spokesperson, then the helper addresses the family through the husband. The tracking skill is similar to empathic skills that are integral in the person-centred approach. The helper makes a point of listening with an inner ear and reflects his or her understanding of the feelings that have been expressed. The helper identifies the family's idioms, speech and world-view. Reflecting back to the family, that which was heard helps to make them feel respected and their opinions heard. Yet tracking involves more than empathic responding, because the helper has to be attentive to using the couple's own words, meanings and phrases. Mimesis is a form of imitation. The helper makes a conscious effort to copy certain aspects of the couple's style, nonverbal behaviours and idiosyncrasy. This is done in order to denote the helper's alignment with a particular person. For example, the helper may imitate the posture of the wife so that she realises that the helper understands her perspective.

121

MGG201W/1

(b) Focussing
The helper decides which pieces of information to collect. Through the use of probing the helper tracks the problems in specific areas. Often the helper stays with the presenting problem (the problem that made them come for counselling in the first place).

(c) Enactment
Young and Long (1998:52) explain that enactment is both an assessment tool and a therapeutic intervention. The couple is encouraged to engage in the dysfunctional behaviour within the therapeutic context. The helper observes the behaviour and then makes the couple aware of it. This in essence exposes the problem so that the couple recognises the need to develop new transactions to replace the dysfunctional ones. An example of enactment is when the helper makes a specific request for the couple to replay an actual conversation that they have had. The main motivation for doing this is to observe and develop clues as to what function the problem behaviours serve in the relationship. Brown and Brown (2002:34) suggest that there are three parts to an enactment. First, the helper observes a dysfunction that needs to be emphasised. For example, the wife nags to make her husband feel guilty about leaving her at home when he goes away on business. The helper has to try to understand how the members of the family experience the problem. The second part is when the helper focuses on this by requesting something like, ``Continue to discuss the problem as you did at home, when Ben said that you could not go with him''. The helper tries to identify the specific interactional exchanges that pertain to the problem and checks to see whether the couple identify any dysfunctional interactions. The third manoeuvre is when the helper actually makes a recommendation for an alternative interaction. ``Gloria, instead of making Ben feel guilty about not taking you with him on his trip, says something to him that makes him realise that you are an independent person who can use the time to do other things''. The helper puts pressure on the couple to introduce meaningful change.

(d) Structural moves or restructuring

This technique is all about redistributing power, boundaries and alignments so as to achieve equilibrium, the abatement of symptoms, and equity in the family (Young & Long, 1998:54). The helper is very direct in convincing the couple that something has to change. Unbalancing is a technique used to change an alliance, or balance the power. The helper may say, ``I agree with you'' to the spouse who is in a one down position, in order to alter the husband's position and the structure of the relationship. The helper uses his or her position to side with one partner by making a statement such as, ``She needs to see the situation from your point of view''. In family work the helper might change the structure of the family by giving an instruction. For example, a mother may be told not to confide in the son so as to create a clearer boundary around the marital/parental relationship.

122

(e) Complementarity
Complementarity is a technique the worker uses to highlight the reciprocal and complementary functions that partners play (Brown & Brown, 2002:34). Couples tend to balance each other. If one is thrifty, then the other is generous. When in a complementary relationship, the couples influence each other to move to moderate positions. The organised person may help the disorganised person maintain a semblance of order in his or her life, and in exchange learns to be less fussy and rigid. Unfortunately, when couples are in conflict this changes and their differences become more extreme. The couple polarise. The strict parent becomes more rigid and the lenient parent more permissive. Young and Long (1998:31) identify a few of the asymmetrical pairings that are often identified in couple counselling: . . . . . . . . . . . . introvert/extrovert flirtatious/jealous assertive/submissive represses emotions/expresses emotions emotional/rational dependent/independent less/more devoted to partner dependent/independent relationship/work oriented demanding/withdrawn leader/follower cautious/committed

3.5.2 Strategic therapy Introduction

Jay Haley, Don Jackson, Paul Watzlawick and Gregory Bateson worked together at the Mental Research Institute. They were interested in communication and interactional problems that precipitate and maintain family conflict and stress. Through their work, and John Haley's work with Salvador Minuchin, Haley developed strategic therapy. In strategic family therapy, the helper designs individualised interventions for each family problem. The intervention is brief, solution-focused and changeoriented. The symptoms and problems experienced in couples and families are considered to be formal communications between the family members. As a result, attention is given to the couple's interactions, rather than to interpretations of their behaviour. The helper is active and sets about understanding the problem so that goals may be set for the family to alleviate their presenting symptoms and problems. Strategic therapists believe that families proceed during life through developmental sequences that require the completion of specific tasks. Remember the section on the family life cycle? When the family is unable to negotiate the new developmental challenges of a particular stage, then

123

MGG201W/1

their development becomes arrested. Haley predicted that couples or families are most likely to present with problems when they enter a new developmental phase of the family life cycle. There is a strong commitment to being focused on the present rather than dwelling on the past. Strategic therapists believe that all members influence one another, and when a problem is identified, it is a family problem rather than an individual problem. Symptoms are considered to be functional. A child who presents as agoraphobic may have developed this problem in order to diffuse the marital stress in the parents' relationship. Tackling or dealing with symptoms is challenging. The helper often meets with resistance because the family is so attuned to trying to maintain their balance that they tend to work together to keep the symptoms alive. In order to eliminate a problem, one has to break the repetitive pattern of behaviour. Once the pattern is broken, the problematic behaviour disappears. Strategic therapy shares many common assumptions with structural therapy, but their differences dictate that this family therapy approach should be reviewed on its own.

3.5.2.1 Premises on which strategic therapy is based

. Interactional and relationship problem behaviours form patterns. When one studies them carefully one can identify a recurring sequence of events which helps one to recognise that causes are circular and that the blame cannot be attributed to one person (there is no one person to blame). Couples and families are seen as joint creators of the problem. . Helpers and clients interact with one another and influence each other during the helping process. The helper is unable to remain neutral and therefore directs his or her energy to influencing the couple or family directly. This influence is most effective when the helper develops and plans specific interventions for the couple or family. . Because families unconsciously work together to maintain the balance or homeostasis, they often get stuck in their problematic situations. The helper's role is to ``upset the apple cart'' and create some chaos so that the family are forced to develop a new order or balance. . All communications, verbal and nonverbal, are considered as symptoms of the problem. All communications need to be decoded so that the implied message behind the family interactions can be understood. In other words, the presenting problem is actually a metaphor for the real problem or issue that the couple experiences. . Couples form repetitive patterns of responding to stress. By disrupting the interactional patterns or chain, one instigates change, and the structure of the relationship is modified. Interruptions seem to help the couple develop more adaptive interactions. Haley felt that insight alone was not sufficient to change dysfunctional patterns.

124 . A person's reality is individualised. In order to work with people one has to understand their perceptions, and be willing to adapt methods of intervention to fit with their constructions of reality. . Helpers need to be action-oriented and pragmatic. They must do what works for the couple or family, and not be content with accepting the status quo, nor be overly preoccupied with creating a comfortable therapeutic climate.

3.5.2.2 Theoretical concepts of the strategic approach (a) Symptoms

Symptoms are considered as a family's attempt to maintain itself and its balance. Symptoms are a way of communicating metaphorically within a couple relationship. For example, a woman who has anxiety attacks is communicating with her partner that his inability to hold down a job creates much unhappiness for her. Strategic therapists are symptomfocused.

(b) Metaphors
Symptoms need to be studied closely, as they often express some aspect of the family system. The bulimic may actually be trying to tell a partner, ``You make me sick''. In other words, the metaphorical message tends to contain an explicit element. Symptoms are carefully studied to try to work out what they attempt to communicate.

(c) Power
Haley was particularly interested in who describes the nature of the relationship difficulties first and how they secured the power to do so. He pointed out that when observing interactional exchanges one is likely to see that messages have elements of report and command in them. When the husband tells his wife, ``We have run out of dog food!'' he is reporting that the dog food has run out, but also making an implicit order or command, ``Buy some more''. The statement represents the husband's manoeuvre to define the relationship. When the wife responds by buying the food, he is happy. Should she resist, her resistance demonstrates a power struggle between her and her husband. The helper makes the ``report, control and respond'' sequences more explicit to the couple and the family.

(d) Sequence of interactions

The helper becomes preoccupied with identifying the sequences of behaviour or interactions. Once these have been pinpointed, the helper can develop interventive strategies. The sequences of behaviour are best tracked by following the circularity of interactions in the family. Who starts by doing what? Who responds? How? What impact does the response have? On whom? What response does the counter-response evoke?

125

MGG201W/1

(e) Reframing
Reframing or relabelling is similar to the cognitive therapy technique of restructuring. The helper assists the couple to see the problem from a different, more positive perspective. Positive connotation involves attributing good intentions to a partner's actions so that the other partner will begin to see the problem differently. By trying to understand the behaviour, the helper exposes the positive intention that evoked the behaviour in the first place. Rather than dwell on the negative connotations of the problem behaviour, the couple consider what the positive motivations were behind it. For example, the father who is very strict and does not want to allow his daughter to go out at night behaves in this way because he cares about her safety and realises that he is unable to protect her from danger. Instead of accusing him of being mean, nasty and distrustful, the family recognises his positive intent. A positive label for ``jealousy'' could be ``caring'', for ``anger'' could be ``desiring attention''. Brown and Brown (2002:42) caution that violent, abusive and destructive behaviour should never be reframed.

(f) The directive

As mentioned, the helper plays a very active and directing role in strategic therapy. In view of this, the helper gives the couple or family different instructions to assist them to behave differently. These instructions are referred to as directives. Directives are used to break up rigid, entrenched behavioural responses. Some directives are straightforward, others are paradoxical. Young and Long (1998:53) provide some examples: 1. Tell the couple directly what you want them to do. The task doesn't need to make sense. An example is ``Go to the shopping mall on the other side of town and then find a common reason for being there''. 2. Use the ``devil's pact''. The helper informs the couple that there is a solution to their problem, but it is difficult and arduous. The couple are asked to agree to accept the solution without knowing what it is. The couple have to really consider whether they are committed to solving the problem or not. 3. Give the couple an ``ordeal''. An ordeal is a difficult task that is good for the couple. The presenting problem is difficult to maintain because of having to perform the extra task. For example, one may say to the couple who cannot decide on how much money each should be allowed as ``money of their own'' each month ``Record every household expense each of you has for the month and then calculate what surplus remains. Divide the surplus equally between yourselves''. This is an ordeal. It is very time consuming and fiddly. It is easier for the couple to settle on a reasonable amount of money for each person than to go through this ordeal.

126 4. Assign tasks that allow partners to make amends. Guilt is a crippling emotion. When a partner has wronged another, and feels bad about it, the helper assists by developing a task that allows the person to atone their guilty feelings. ``You have recognised that you were too selfinvolved. Plan an outing for your wife that tells her that you really want her to enjoy herself. She must be able to see from the activity that you have her interests at heart.'' 5. Prescribe metaphorical tasks. Young and Long (1998:53) cite the example provided by Becvar and Becvar. The couple may be asked to discuss in detail how an orchestra might be run with two conductors when each has their own style and music.

(g) Paradoxical techniques

Paradoxical directives can be given when the more uncomplicated tasks and directives have failed. It is particularly useful when couples experience one of the five family transactions identified by Weeks and L'Abate in Brown and Brown (2002:40): . Fighting and bickering. When couples are volatile and reactive and relate mainly to each other through fighting and bickering, the simple uncomplicated tasks and directives are likely to fail. . Poor cooperation and failure to complete tasks. Although the couple might not be verbally abusive to each other, they might undermine each other by engaging in direct actions which hurt one another. Examples are actions such as substance abuse, working too hard, procrastinating over household tasks, etc. . Poor response to any intervention. The helper may feel disheartened because the couple fail to respond to counselling efforts, and little positive change is evident, despite their attending sessions. . Couples are polarised or their positions oppose one another. Often the polarised positions are as a result of the influence of another person. In families this person could be an adolescent, or a parent-in-law. . Couples who constantly contradict and discredit each other. Little progress can be made when couples constantly blame each other, argue against one another's stand or fail to support one another. The helper presents the paradoxical tasks with authority. The family have to understand how the problem has benefited the system from an interactional perspective. For example, ``Doug's depression has allowed you to feel needed. In view of this, I would like you to continue acting as though you are depressed, Doug. A change will throw your relationship into disarray and many of your needs will no longer be met. If you are unable to keep up your act of being depressed, and feeling needed, then I expect the symptoms to stop as well''. It can be seen that both compliance and non-compliance produce change. The helper may prescribe the symptom. For example, when a couple argues a great deal, they could be told to argue twice a day at assigned times. They are encouraged to use as many of their destructive styles of arguing during these times as possible, such as interrupting, not listening, talking at the

127

MGG201W/1

same time. One finds that their arguments decrease as they begin to understand the ineffectiveness of the strategies that they have become reliant upon. This forces them to start seeking new solutions. The helper has to restrain the couple or family when the paradox starts working. They need to be reminded that there are benefits of slowing their progress down. When using paradoxical intent, the helper is never sarcastic or insincere. This technique only works when the couple or family experience the helper's empathy. Young and Long (1998:53) propose that it reinforces the reality of the change process, and allows the couple to recognise that they have the control and power to regulate their relationship.

3.5.3 The similarities of structural and strategic therapies

1. Individuals are best understood by reviewing the broader context of their lives such as the sociological environment, family, community and culture in which they find themselves. The context is more important than the couple's history. 2. The family is a system and all parts of the family have a reciprocal influence on one another. 3. Presenting problems and symptoms are seen in terms of the functions that they serve within the couple relationship or family. Symptoms maintain the homeostasis of the family system. 4. If one wants to reduce the problems within a marriage, then one has to pay attention to the marital and family interactions in order to identify which repetitive patterns are problematic or dysfunctional. The helper interrupts the dysfunctional patterns by identifying them and making them explicit. 5. Change is considered to be more meaningful than insight. 6. The family has to be understood in terms of the way they move through the family life cycle.

3.5.4 The differences between structural and strategic family therapies

Many of the theoretical notions of these two family therapies are the same, but there are significant differences in technique. Structural therapists focus more on changing the structure or hierarchy of the family, to ensure that the generational boundaries, alignments and rules are altered in order to bring about symptomatic relief. Strategic therapists are more problem-focused and utilise more direct methods to unbalance the interactional sequence in an effort to dislodge the problem. In 1987, Fish and Piercy conducted a study on expert family therapist views in family therapy. The participants in the study were asked to identify the core concepts and techniques of these two therapies. A list was compiled of the most commonly utilised techniques in these therapies. Long and Young (1998:52) have summarised these in the table below.

128 EXPERTS' LIST OF MAJOR TECHNIQUES AND INTERVENTIONS OF STRUCTURAL AND STRATEGIC THERAPIES STRUCTURAL Joining Boundary marking/making Restructuring Tracking Enactment STRATEGIC Reframing Obtaining an identifiable problem Prescribing the symptom Use of client language and position Determining the interactional sequence and interrupting it in some way

Source: Young, ME and Long, LL.1998. Counselling and therapy for couples. Pacific Grove: Brooks/Cole Publishing (p 52).

3.5.5 A systemic assessment of the family

Hepworth and Larsen (1990) emphasise that each family develops properties of its own. By studying the interactions of family members one learns much about a family's unique properties. One does this by observing their rules, the specific roles they allocate to members, their ideas of acceptable forms of communication, the way they solve problems, their negotiation style. To reveal these properties, one does not have to rely on what the family tell you, but rather on studying the process of their communication. One listens for the underlying intentions or meanings of their messages, the manner in which they define the problem, what each person does, the sequences of their interactions. To simplify the assessment of the family, Hepworth and Larson propose ten areas which the helper needs to focus on. They are: the outer boundaries of the family; the internal boundaries of the family; the power structure; the decision making process; the affect or range of emotions demonstrated in the family; the goals, the myths and cognitive patterns; the family roles; the communication styles; the family strengths.

Outer boundaries
The transactions that the family has with the environment in which they live tell one a great deal. One needs to observe the extent to which members are allowed to invest emotionally and engage in relationships outside the family, as well as the extent to which information and materials are allowed to be exchanged with the environment. Who is, and who is not, allowed to visit the family? To what extent are others allowed to enter? Are visits by invitation? Is free and open access to the family encouraged? Who is expected to be present when outsiders come to visit? Is the family open, or is it rigid about controlling external influences such as the media, different religious beliefs, different ethnic groups? Outer boundaries may be open, closed or random. Open boundaries may be observed by members who demonstrate an openness towards external cultures entering the family space. Members are generally allowed to choose their incoming and outgoing movements themselves. Guests are

129

MGG201W/1

welcomed. Participation in community affairs is encouraged. Minimal or limited censorship of media are imposed. In contrast to open boundaries, closed boundaries portray the family's resistance to outsiders being allowed to enter their space. They restrict people from coming in, and their own members from going out. Closed families are highly suspicious of new information and trends, and have strict control over the family's exposure to the media. Family members are discouraged from being open about their affairs, and are given limited opportunities to socialise. The midpoint on the open-closed boundary continuum is the random boundary. This contains elements of both open and closed boundaries, and is dependent upon individuals and circumstances. For example, the husband may have permission to stay out with friends, come and go as much as he likes, but he insists that his wife stay at home and not speak to anyone about their problems. Another example is of a family where both parents are professional and work in the community, but restrict their children from interacting with the community at large by sending them to a school run by the church, and forbid them to socialise outside this religious/social network.

Internal boundaries
One becomes aware of distinct subgroups within a family. Subgroups may be formed on the basis of variables such as gender, interest, or age. Each family member belongs to a number of subgroups. As an example, a mother may be a member of the spouse subgroup because she is the wife. She is part of the female subgroup because she has a daughter. The mother is part of the parent-child subgroup as she is the mother to a son and daughter. She may form an interest subgroup with her son as they share a keen interest in wildlife. The mother and children belong to the spiritual subgroup as they attend church together, and her husband does not. The mother shares distinct relationships with each member within these different subgoups. These relationships result in alliances and coalitions being formed. These alliances and coalitions can influence the power base in a family. A mother who sides with her children alienates her husband, and an older brother who stands up for his sister against a mother who sets unfair disciplinary standards may undermine the mother's individual power. In healthy families the formation of the subsystems of spouses, parents and children remain distinct and the lines of communication and responsibility are clearly defined. In other words, children should not be allowed to assume parenting roles over other children in the family. Do you believe this is relevant in black South African families, where the eldest son often is allocated fathering responsibilities in the absence of the biological father? What about the growing number of child-headed families? Do we have an alternative solution? The family therapist sets out to discover whether any family members are scapegoated. Patterns of disengagement or enmeshment between or within subgroups are significant and are considered. The helper monitors the extent to which family alliances have changed with time. For example, a mother and her children are likely to represent an

130 enmeshed subsystem when the children are little, especially if she is a stay-at-home mother, whereas an adolescent boy should start disengaging from the parent-child subsystem.

Family power
Power may regarded as the capacity that one person within the family has to influence the behaviour of another, or several others. Power is seldom equally distributed between family members, because the more need-fulfilling resources a family member has in relation to the other family members, the more power that person wields. Typical needs of family members may be economic support, social status, love, affection, approval. Monolithic power structures are those where either the husband or the wife make all the decisions. Multiple power structures are those where, for example, the female may be more influential in making decisions about the children and the male may be more influential in making decisions about the family finances. In these families power shifts according to who has the expertise, or the jurisdictional authority. One needs to be mindful of the reality that culture plays a significant role in the allocation of power. Many societies are patriarchal but with industrialisation, globalisation, the human rights movement and access to learning, there appears to be a shift towards egalitarian definitions of male/female roles. Family therapists guard against allowing families to get into situations where children are given parental powers. They rationalise that a child is likely to experience strain in attempting to handle responsibility beyond his or her years. Power bases may shift with inner and outer family stressors, for example, in the case of the father who is retrenched and becomes dependant upon his wife working. Another example is refugee children who have to take control of the family because they are better educated than their parents and more fluent in English. The astute helper is on the alert for people who exert covert power within the family. An example of this is someone who uses faked symptoms of illness to gain attention from other family members. This hypochondriac manipulates the family by making them feel guilty. Resisting and confronting her manipulations generate unbearable tension for them, making it easier for them to try to please her. The sources of power should be identified by observing: . . . . . . Who does what and who comments on this? Who speaks for whom? Who speaks first in the family? Who interrupts whom? Who agrees with whom? Whose ideas are adopted after the family engages in decision making?

131

MGG201W/1

Family decision making

The well-being of the family system is dependent upon effective and deliberate decision making. This is more often than not moulded in the beginning stages of development of the family system. A couple's decision-making patterns may even be traced back to patterns in the family of origin. Incompatible expectations may originate from their respective families of origin, leading to feelings of incompatibility and lack of cooperation. In some families, open comment is welcomed. These families regard differences of opinions as natural and tend to be more open to compromise. In other families, the views of both partners have to count equally, and the views of their children are heard, but fail to carry as much weight as parental views. In some families these options are quite unacceptable because the head of the household (more often than not a male) is the only one who has a say. Family therapists propose that when a decision has to be taken, one should help the members to listen to each person's needs first, because solutions should evolve out of needs. In open, permissive families, all members involve themselves in generating a range of alternatives, weighing up the costs and benefits of the different options, and talking through the anticipated implementation of the proposed solution. Democratic families are willing to rework or adjust decisions when new information emerges, or individual or family needs change. Autocratic families have a more rigid decision making style that is characterised by the words, ``Because I said so!''.

Family affect
In rigid families where the boundaries are inflexible, or in families whose roles and family structure are vague, one will encounter more despair, hopelessness, depression and anxiety. In healthy, functioning families, one expects optimism, empathy, warmth and goodwill. In view of this, the extent to which the family members are able to express caring love for one another, is a good indicator of the family's level of functioning. This may either be observed in the use of touch between the family members, their verbal expressions of concern or affection, or their performance of kind deeds for one another. Obviously, culture is a strong determiner of the level of emotional expression tolerated in the family, or even the types of emotions that are allowed to be given expression. Sipho, a fifteen-year old, is likely to be severely reprimanded for allowing his anger to show when his father says that he is not allowed to go to a school function. Jason's parents, on the other hand, may overlook his angry retort, ``That's not fair!'', under similar circumstances, accepting his anger as an expression of his disappointment. Sipho's parents may enforce the belief that there is much value in restraint of emotion and tell him that suffering should be tolerated, whereas Jason's parents encourage emotional expression and openness, within the boundaries of respect. The family therapist carefully notes: how members express their care for one another; the extent to which members recognise the care that

132 they receive from each other; and the discrepancies that exist between the amounts of affection shown, and the nature of these expressions, in relation to the members' needs and expectations.

Family goals
Family goals originate from two sources: goals that are influenced by the values that a society promotes, such as the expected age for marriage, when to have children, the importance of education, the valued status symbols, and so on; and individual goals that marital partners bring into their relationship when they commit to one another. Family therapists believe that families without joint goals are more likely to flounder. Therapists are interested in establishing whether families are able to align individual members' goals into mutual or consensual family goals. And so, for the Mahabeer family, it is very important that all the members work towards assisting the eldest son to qualify as a medical doctor. In view of this consensual goal, they do not spend money on family holidays or luxury goods. The younger sister accepts that she will have to settle for a teacher's diploma as there are not enough resources for all the children to go away to study. The Smith family encourage their children to set their own goals, but at the same time provide less support to their children, who have to find their own means to achieve these goals. The family therapists try to establish what the goals are that guide the members' efforts. They examine the extent to which these goals are mutual goals or individualistic goals. They ascertain what degree of consensus is prevalent in the definition of goals and/or the extent of family conflict present, related to disagreement about the goals. The extent to which the defined family goals meet individual members' needs as well as the needs of the family as a whole is most significant. Family goals may be made explicit, such as the family who decide to work together to save to buy a new television set. They may also be covert or implied, such as a family who promotes the advancement of male family members by planning for their tertiary education, and fail to make provision for a daughter's education. During times of crisis, the family may be forced to choose between several competing goals and values.

Family myths and cognitive patterns

Family behaviour is linked to the way the members share perceptions or misconceptions about the family or one or more of its individual members. The perceptions influence the manner in which members treat each other, the roles they define for one another, the manner in which those who do not comply with expectations are dealt with, the way they address a crisis, the family rules and so forth. A family who believe that they are victims of fate are likely to react passively in a crisis, instead of pooling their resources to make plans to manage the crisis better. When people are taught: ``An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth'', one expects members to try to get even with those who hurt them. Some myths or cognitive patterns single out one member as being different or deviant from the rest such as ``the black sheep of the family'', or ``Mother

133

MGG201W/1

doesn't care for you children, only Dad does''. These myths create all kinds of emotional reactions. ``A woman's place is in the home'' is a belief, not necessarily a fact. Misconceptions of faulty cognitive patterns result in labelling and stereotyping, which as we all know are harmful practices. In the long term they may stunt the individual growth and development of family members. When a person is told that he is stupid and will go nowhere in life, he internalises this faulty belief and fails to attempt initiatives that will enable him to succeed. His lack of success serves as ``evidence'' that he is stupid and will not get anywhere in life. When a family's perceptions are distorted, the relationships between members become strained. In some instances, external members based in the community intervene to try to correct the misconceptions. This may be the point where a concerned community member may contact a welfare organisation. Think about child abuse. When a father uses harsh physical punishment to discipline a child and the child's teacher sees the marks, the teacher will report the matter to a child welfare service provider, who will investigate. The father believes that a naughty boy must have ``something that reminds him of his bad deed'' and will be very defensive about his use of corporal punishment. The family therapist considers how faulty beliefs are formed. This may be achieved by tracing the impact of vertical stressors through the generations, or introducing new and accurate perceptions. Can you think of any myths that you have inherited from your family of origin or society as a whole? A ridiculous one that I heard from schoolgirls talking about their expectations of a partner was that the partner had to be taller than them. Why? Another typical example is the conservative mother-in-law who warns her daughter-in-law, who enjoys her career success as a lawyer, that her success will threaten her marriage. In what ways? Would there be any risks should she forfeits her individual goals for success? Some myths are very damaging and put family members at risk, such as, ``Under no circumstances do we tell others of our family problems''. This secrecy prevents abused members from receiving the support they need to be able to escape their ongoing abuse.

Family roles
Each person in the family carries a multiplicity of roles that become integrated into the family's structure and represent certain expected and forbidden behaviours. Roles may be based on legal decisions, so that in South Africa, when a baby is born out of wedlock, the father mostly has limited rights to the child. Roles may be allocated according to age and maturity, so the eldest child is given more responsibility and in return enjoys more privileges. Roles may be allocated according to gender, so women are expected to be the homemakers and do the domestic chores, and men are expected to be the breadwinners. The astute helper is more concerned with which role assignments in a family are made on the basis of the family needs and abilities. The helper

134 reviews the amount of time that is available for members to perform their tasks. Gender-based role allocations are not favoured on their own. Traditional role allocations may no longer be functional, given the tremendous changes that challenge modern families. For example, in the case of a dual career family where the husband gets home from work earlier than his wife, it makes more sense for him to start the cooking. The helper checks out the extent to which members roles are clearly defined. One does not want a child to have to behave as a parent in one situation, and then a child in the next. When roles are not clearly defined, the result can be role strain and role blurring. The helper investigates how happy each person is with his or her roles, and how much leeway there is within the family for the roles to be reallocated or rearranged. In couples counselling, much attention is devoted to assessing how adequately partners perform in their designated roles as partners and parents according to their own and their partner's perceptions. It may be useful to find out the extent to which one or both partners receive messages from significant others outside of the family regarding what their role definitions ought to be. Before intervention can start, the couple and helper must understand the pressures and stresses that are caused for members by any role overloads. In some families one member carries far too much responsibility, and this generates tension, anger and resentment.

Communication styles
One expects communication to be clear and congruent. People need to mean what they say and should say it clearly so that those who need to hear, understand distinctly. The helper is preoccupied with checking that communication in the family is consistent on three different levels: a verbal level, a nonverbal level and a contextual level. If people say what they mean directly, you have no problem. However, when you listen to what is said and you hear two oppositional messages in one breath, it becomes more complicated. Try to listen to the intent communicated in the following example, ``No, go on. You young people enjoy your Christmas without us. We don't mind spending Christmas all alone.'' The ``all alone'' cancels out ``we don't mind''. One also expects that what is said will be confirmed with the appropriate nonverbal signals. The mother-in-law who says ``I will be happy to know that the two of you are sorting your differences out'', although the corners of her mouth turn down and she looks away with a bitter expression in her eyes, is bound to confuse the daughter-in-law completely. One also expects the communication to be appropriate to the moment or situation the couple find themselves in. Stopping a fight to say to a partner: ``My, but you have beautiful eyes!'' will not be well received, because the context is inappropriate. The helper should be on the look out for the following: ``Which subjects do the family avoid discussing?'', ``What overgeneralisations do they, or at least one of the members continually make?'', ``To what extent do members give false reassurances to one another, engage in mind reading,

135

MGG201W/1

dwell on the negative historical events related to the relationship?'' It is also of significance to identify: ``Which member fails to express his or her opinions?'', ``Who speaks in a categorical `I'm right and you're wrong' manner?'', ``Who gives advice?'', ``How much negative evaluation, blaming, name calling, directing, ordering, threatening or admonishing happens in this family?'', ``Who is mostly responsible for this?'', and ``How is humour, teasing and sarcasm used to disguise toxic or caustic subjects?''

Family strengths
In counselling one hopes to change the couple or family perception that the situation is useless. The couple should be reminded of their past successes in dealing with similar situations, as well as any unused or potential resources that they fail to use or can access. By reviewing these strengths and opportunities, one hopes that they will become more realistic and motivated to address the changes that need to occur. When each person hears of the many things that they do in the family that are appreciated, or when the positive intentions behind their actions are exposed, or when they see that the emphasis is not on blaming individuals but changing their interactions, then they lower their defences and the real work begins. The helper assists the couple or family to identify which of the psychological tasks they have successfully achieved, which of the developmental life cycle tasks they have transcended, how their different personality styles operate in a complementary fashion, and which of their goals are consistent with the goals of the family as a whole.

ACTIVITY
Consider the family that you are living with, and discuss each of the systemic dimensions of its functioning as outlined by Hepworth and Larson (1990). Provide a detailed family assessment.

SUMMARY
This chapter set out to provide the learner helper with an overview of the unique contributions that some popular theories have made to the practice of couples counselling. The psychodynamic, the cognitive behavioural, the person-centred, the structural, the strategic and an Afrocentric perspective were reviewed and discussed in terms of their assumptions, well known concepts and techniques. Psychodynamic approaches such as orthodox psychoanalysis, object relations theory and transactional analysis conceptualise relationship problems in terms of psychological dynamics passed from one generation to another. These theories propose that early relationship problems are recreated in present relationships. In order to enhance the relationship

136 between a couple, the helper assists each partner to explore their relationships as children, in their family of origin, so that they will be able to explain their current interactional patterns within their present intimate relationships. The therapeutic relationship provides a safe context for couples to review and re-enact these early life experiences, and change the impact that these early life experiences have on their couple relationship. The cognitive behavioural approach to couple's counselling appeared to be more preoccupied with establishing what couples think about their relationship, each other and the environment in which they find themselves in, as well as how they behave or respond within their intrapersonal, interpersonal and community contexts. Relationship difficulties are interpreted to be the result of partners' unhelpful behavioural and cognitive responses to one another. Change in relationships is possible because behaviour and thoughts are learned responses and people are clever enough to learn new ways of behaving and thinking. The couple's relationship may be improved by teaching them more effective ways of responding to one another and altering some of the misconceptions they have about one another, and close relationships. There are three major thrusts of modern cognitive behavioural therapy. Firstly, helping involves increasing the positive reinforcers in a couple's relationship. Secondly, helping is actively concerned with teaching couples skills that are needed to conduct their relationship meaningfully such as conflict management, negotiations skills and relationship enhancement. Thirdly, helping is preoccupied with deconstructing the destructive individual thought patterns that impact on the couple's relationship with one another. Assessment, goal setting, monitoring and evaluation are integral elements of the helping process. The person-centred approach to working with couples was presented as being more reliant on therapeutic attitudes than skills and techniques. It was proposed that the person-centred approach is the helper's ``way of being'' rather then the helper's ``way of doing''. The helper concentrates on creating core conditions in the helping context necessary for enabling the couple to lower their defences sufficiently to recognise what changes need to occur in their relationship. The core conditions that the helper provides are unconditional positive regard, empathic understanding and congruence. During the helping process the helper develops a deep regard for the subjective experiences of each partner. The helper communicates a strong belief in the couple's capacity to make constructive decisions about their relationship. An atmosphere of affirming and prizing partners is sought. Troubled couples respond to the permissive, empathic and sincere relationships that the helper develops with them and they lower their defences and see things more objectively. Their insight leads them to take the necessary steps for change. The couple is believed to have the capacity to move towards wholeness and self-actualisation without being reliant upon any techniques or interventions from the helper. Although no Afrocentric couples counselling approach was reviewed, the generic differences between Western approaches and Afrocentric

137

MGG201W/1

approaches to working with family issues were considered. According to the African view of humankind, people form an indivisible whole with the cosmos, and therefore a unity with God and nature. In this holistic view, three cosmic realities are identified: the macro-cosmos, referring to the domain in which God is encountered together with ancestors and influential spirits; the meso-cosmos, referring to a kind of no-man'sland, where coincidence and the forces of spirits and witches exert influence on the living reality of humans, nature and animals; and the micro-cosmos, referring to the domain of the person in his or her daily life. The Afrocentric perspective emphasises a collective influence and the person is expected to be one with the community. The different cosmoses blend together in everyday life. This perspective emphasises that behavioural and individual functioning need to be understood from an ecosystemic perspective. The systemic perspective on the interrelatedness of family members is highly regarded. Cognitive functioning is less positively valued than intuitive rationality or reasoning. The past and present are more relevant than the future, which cannot be determined or planned. Often family misfortunes and unhappiness can only be corrected by the intervention of a traditional healer, who has ways and means of communicating with the ancestors. After interacting with the ancestors, the traditional healer instructs the person on the necessary treatment that should be followed so as to appease the ancestors by atoning for any wrongdoing. Structural therapists emphasise the active and organised wholeness of the family system. This theory is closely associated with Salvador Minuchin, who emphasised the importance of noting how, when, and to whom family members relate as a means of understanding a couple's problem (Brown & Brown, 2002b:10). Couple and family problems are explained according to three dimensions: boundary, alignment and power. The helper actively analyses the interactional sequences within the couple and develops hypotheses about what is causing their problems. The helper prescribes interventive steps that the couple or family should follow in order to correct their boundary, power or alignment issues. Strategic therapy emphasises the need for the couple to change the sequence of interactions that maintain their problem. Careful attention is paid to the ``symptom'' as it is the individual's, couple's or family's attempt to prevent the family from disintegrating. The helper's role is to prescribe interventions or strategies that will dislodge or destabilise the symptom so that the couple or family are able to enjoy a better, symptomfree relationship. Symptoms are assumed to characterise the ways that family members relate to each other; they serve as communicative acts, each projecting implied messages which involve two or more members of the family at a time. Principal contributors to this approach are Don Jackson, Paul Watzlawick, Gregory Bateson and Jay Haley (Brown and Brown, 2002:10). This theme will not enable you to practise couples counselling, nor is it intended to instruct you on how to use these different approaches. It was

138 included to provide you with an introduction to the different concepts and skills that are frequently referred to in couples counselling. You are urged to consider which approach is most consistent with your assumptions about helping couples, and which will be more relevant for working with the couples you are likely to encounter as a helper. You are likely to recognise that each of the approaches has merit, and this should provide a strong motivation for the use of an integrative model, which will be presented in the next section.

139

MGG201W/1

THEME FOUR

Couples counselling

OBJECTIVES On completion of this chapter, you will be able to: . understand the definitions associated with the continuum of care offered to couples by couples counsellors: premarital counselling marriage enrichment couples counselling divorce counselling divorce mediation

. state the purposes of couples counselling . describe the role of the helper in couples counselling from an integrative perspective . identify the core relationship conditions needed in couples counselling . identify the professional values of couples counselling . define and describe an integrative approach to working with couples

INTRODUCTION
If one believes that each couple has its own culture and couple identity, and strives to achieve the attainment of each partner's needs in a unique way, then one accepts that the role of the counsellor is to facilitate the couple's understanding of each other's experiences and needs, rather than to direct, guide and teach them what to do. However, if one believes that all behaviour is learnt and therefore can be unlearnt, or replaced with corrective behaviour, then one's approach will be different. In this instance one will probably choose to operate from a cognitivebehavioural approach. The interventions that will be employed during the cognitive-behavioural encounter will include diagnosing what the couple's concerns are, obtaining some baseline measurement of their performance before intervening, and using techniques to teach the couple how to behave and think differently towards one another. The interventions are geared towards reducing the tension in that relationship. The assumptions that a helper has about counselling determines which therapeutic approach will be adopted to facilitate change in the

140 couple's relationship. The therapeutic approach shapes the helping process. Several theoretical approaches are highlighted in theme three. Hopefully, you are able to identify a theoretical framework that you can relate to, which is consistent with your values. We urge you to continue to research the approach, become familiar with the professional values, concepts and therapeutic skills consistent with it, and explore opportunities for ongoing training to sharpen your application of the associated techniques. This theme serves to examine the continuum of counselling offered to couples at various stages of their relationship, according to the level of stress they experience. It briefly explains premarital counselling and marriage enrichment, marriage or couple counselling, divorce counselling and divorce mediation. It explores the purposes of couples counselling according to an integrative approach. Many counsellors believe that a successful outcome of couple counselling is dependent upon the quality of the relationship between the couple and the counsellor. This theme reviews the professional relationship that has been found to render the most positive results in couple counselling. The positive conditions of helping are: the helper's unconditional positive regard for clients, high levels of empathic understanding, and the helper's genuineness or congruence throughout the helping alliance. Terms used synonymously with these appear to be: warmth, empathy and genuineness. Because counselling is a professional service, the learner is obliged to familiarise himself or herself with the professional values expected of helpers in this field. The values of respect, self-determination, individualisation and confidentiality are discussed in terms of their application in couples counselling. Professionalism within the counselling relationship is highlighted in order to demonstrate the specialised nature of the therapeutic relationship. In an attempt to provide couples with the best service possible, many counsellors believe that they need to expand their allegiance beyond one theoretical approach to include other empirically validated options. They use what has been learnt about what works best with what kinds of couples. The dangers of combining theories in a haphazard fashion are obvious and in view of this, the theme ends with the rationale and structure of an integrative approach.

4.1 THE CONTINUUM OF COUNSELLING CARE OFFERED TO COUPLES

Societies through the ages have recognised that conflicts are prevalent in most conjugal relationships, and they appointed certain individuals to offer advice to couples, for example, wise relatives, elders in the community, religious leaders and, more recently, trained counsellors. It is obvious that safeguarding intimate relationships is, and always has been, regarded as an important factor for stabilising family life. Sound intimate relationships are identified as important factors that greatly influence an adult's health and happiness, as well as the happiness of any children born to, or raised in, relationships that are well functioning. Individuals, and society as a whole, enjoy the benefits of stable family

141

MGG201W/1

structures. Happy families breed happy nations. It is widely acknowledged that all couple relationships are challenged at some time or other. As the traditional forms of assistance and support given to couples fall away in modern societies, specialised counselling practices emerge, more specifically in the field of couples counselling. This has been most obvious during this last half century. The better-known practices of rendering assistance to couples are: marriage guidance, in the form of preparation for marriage and marriage enrichment, marriage or couple counselling, divorce counselling and divorce mediation. Each of these will be explained.

4.1.1 Marriage guidance

This is preventive intervention offered to couples in an attempt to prepare them for the typical developmental and psychological tasks that are associated with marriage at different stages of their relationship. The emphasis is on preventing couples relationships from floundering, rather than trying to mend failed relationships. Marriage guidance is offered at two stages of a relationship: the premarital phase of the relationship and the marital phase (provided that it has not yet experienced any major problems). The term ``guidance'' refers to offering couples important information about relationships and partners in the hope that the knowledge and insight gained will reduce the risks of major problems arising at a later stage. It is based on the premise ``Forewarned is forearmed''. Counsellors believe that guidance provided timeously enables couples to prepare themselves to deal with the typically challenging issues when they arise. Historically, guidance was offered by elders, relatives and traditional practitioners. These social influences are not as prevalent as they once were. More and more social institutions have assumed the responsibility for offering this guidance, such as organised religious groups, youth organisations, specialist organisations that preserve family life, and professionals in private practice such as social workers and psychologists. Marriage guidance may be offered to couples from the time a decision is taken to marry until a marriage comes to an end through divorce or death. It is more likely to occur at pivotal points of the family life cycle. Couples are helped to understand the developmental changes that occur within themselves and their relationships. It is believed that this insight will comfort them with the knowledge that the stresses they identify are normal. Guidance programmes should only be conducted by facilitators who are sensitive to differing cultures, values, contexts and the personalised priorities of those who are meant to benefit from these interventions. Imagine a couple reaching a stage where one partner suddenly falls ill as a result of the ageing process. The spouse who has to look after the ailing partner experiences a degree of uncertainty as to how to address, or accommodate, the changes in his or her partner. The illness

142 requires each spouse to develop new roles in their relationship. No major intervention is required, just reassurance and information to enable them to manage and reorganise their coping strategies.

4.1.2 Premarital counselling

Marriage preparation or premarital counselling is directed at couples embarking on marriage. Walker in Alpaslan (1994:7) is quoted as saying, ``Premarital counselling provides young couples [with] information and assistance on important matters before problems arise, rather than treating them after they [have] developed. Premarital counselling is therefore an attempt to strengthen the relationship with prospective spouses by providing them with information that will bring greater certainty in respect of life with their prospective partners''. The objectives of premarital counselling are as follows (Meadows and Taplin in Alpaslan, 1994:8): . to offer the prospective couple insight into their own temperaments, emotional experiences and level of functioning, as well as those of their partners . to provide the couple with insight into marital roles and responsibilities . to assist the couple to acquire effective means of conflict resolution and communication in order to facilitate marital adjustment . to afford couples an opportunity to air their ideals and assumptions about the possible changes in their future marital relationship in order to bridge the gap between their ideals and reality Premarital counselling may take the form of courses or weekend seminars, which are generally run by organisations such as churches, societies that promote family life, or couples counsellors. It combines education with the facilitation of self exploration of partners, so as to get them to examine their expectations, needs and perceived values of marriage. Couples are encouraged to contemplate how they will be able to combine their goals and values, and create a shared culture and lifestyle. A student studying this course made the very meaningful observation that traditional practices such as abakwetha, domba and umemulo used to be important sources of education which prepared youth for marriage. These practices instilled important values necessary for stable marital relationships. The youth were informed of the responsibilities that they would assume during marriage, as well as ways to offer support to their prospective partners. Topics such as childbirth, parenting issues, entertaining visitors and the role of in-laws were covered by the respected elders in the community during important rituals. The student remarked that nowadays people rely on television, radio, and life skills education that is provided by schools and professionals for their preparation for committed relationships. Premarital counselling is more

143

MGG201W/1

specific than traditional practices because it focuses on the individuals who are committing to each other, rather than the socially prescribed roles they are expected to perform in their community or society. Evidence suggests that marital distress will not be prevented by marriage preparation. However, those who have had marriage preparation demonstrate stronger initial commitment and willingness to address relationship issues, rather than just succumbing to their relationship problems. A case example: Josephine, a twenty-seven year-old accountant, and Frederick, a twenty-five year old civil engineer, have been dating for three years. When they decided to marry they approached the minister of their local church to marry them. He invited them to participate in a preparation for marriage group. Five couples met on a weekly basis over a six-week period to discuss their expectations of various areas of marital life such as communication, sexuality, parenting, financial management, recreation, families of origin and spirituality. During the sessions the couple discovered many things about each other that they had not previously acknowledged. Josephine discovered that she is a very private person and withdraws when upset. Her family of origin avoided conflict at all costs. Frederick's family are loud and expressive and very theatrical. Disagreements in his home are loudly shared, and conflicting family members are quick to put their disagreements behind them and make up. Frederick comes from a large family and has five siblings. They are close and visit one another frequently, without waiting to be invited. Josephine has one sister, and her family are far more formal and respect each member's privacy. Josephine is a very organised person and likes to plan things in advance. Frederick is more spontaneous. Both are very ambitious. Frederick hopes that Josephine will be like his mother, a homemaker. It is expected that they will have to relocate every three years because of the nature of his job. He has a bright future in his company and has been promised a partnership, in the not too distant future. Josephine is bored in her position and wishes to open her own consultancy. The couple have many shared interests: boating, camping and birding. They enjoy helping each other in the home. They do not wish to have children in the near future, but would rather spend more time travelling, and saving up money to invest in a property. Frederick admires Josephine's homemaking skills. They both enjoy entertaining and have a joint circle of friends. They attended a financial planning seminar together which shaped their ideas about investing and spending money. They discovered that they share capitalistic values.

144

ACTIVITY
What stage of the family life cycle is this couple in? What are some of the developmental tasks that they are expected to address in this life phase? Identify the areas which you, as the minister and premarital counsellor, believe the couple should focus on? Can you highlight any possible areas of strength in this relationship? Can you pinpoint areas where this couple will need to compromise?

4.1.3 Marriage enrichment

This is offered to couples who have been together for some time, and wish to enhance their relationship. The purpose is to provide couples with tools to further develop their relationships into meaningful, successful unions. Couples are helped to preserve and enhance the positive aspects of their relationship and resist the negative influences that threaten their relationship. Marriage enrichment is based on the premise that marriage is a dynamic relationship that undergoes many changes. Roles and functions of the relationship have to be adapted, according to the different phases of the family life cycle. Guidance relating to these changes is valuable and is typically presented in the form of a marriage enrichment programme in a group context. The primary goals of marriage enrichment groups are to promote self-awareness, empathy, selfdisclosure, increased intimacy, and the development of communication and problem-solving skills within a group context (Brown & Brown, 2002:189). The group context has been found to provide a dynamic learning opportunity for couples and many enrichment programmes take place in the form of weekend retreats. Group leaders assist couples attending to evaluate their relationships and decide how they can be further improved. The groups educate couples and offer opportunities for couples to give expression to their experiences of their relationships with their partners. Some expression is direct, in the form of verbal communication between couples, within the privacy of their relationship. Some takes place in the group context. Letter writing and group discussions are useful tools for enabling couples to ``hear'' what their partners really need and want. Group sharing tends to normalise a spouse's needs as well as the other partner's unresponsiveness to that need. For an example, many women long for their partners to make a point of telling them that they are loved. Many husbands share the view that the wife should know that she is loved otherwise he would have told her so. When this is expressed in the group, there is often much humour. The couples are relieved to discover this and refrain from personalising their problem. Their perspectives are

145

MGG201W/1

broadened. These exchanges allow couples to learn about their relationships in non threatening ways. They benefit greatly from the examples and ideas gathered from other group members. A case example: Raylin and Winnie were in their late forties when they participated in a marriage enrichment programme presented by their local Catholic church. Raylin had his own plumbing business and Winnie was a housewife. During the programme Winnie explained to Raylin that so much of her energy had been absorbed by assisting him to establish his business that her own dreams of growing and developing as an individual had been forfeited. As their children were older and more independent, and Raylin's business was established, Winnie needed time to pursue her own interests. Raylin heard this and decided to employ an office assistant to allow Winnie free time to do a counselling course, so that she could work as a voluntary counsellor at Childline. Winnie was appreciative that Raylin had recognised her need and was supportive of her wishes. She recognised that with time, her resentment had made her less demonstrative towards Raylin and she resolved to make more of an effort to be more affectionate towards him.

ACTIVITY
What stage of the family life cycle is this couple in? What are some of the developmental tasks that they must face? How are Winnie's needs related to these tasks? How did marriage enrichment help to enhance their relationship?

4.2 DEFINITIONS OF COUPLES OR MARITAL COUNSELLING

As specified in the introduction of this guide, the use of the term ``couple'' refers to both marital couples and couples who are not married. In a couple relationship the partners may not necessarily be married, but share an ongoing relationship that serves the same function as a legal or customary marriage. It is a reality that many persons who are in longterm relationships not recognised by state or church are also in need of therapy (Reber & Reber, 2001:163). The term ``marital relationship'' makes it explicit that the couple are legally married to each other. In the light of the above, if one defines marital counselling as: ``a specialised process that renders therapeutic assistance to couples as they move towards marriage, cope with a wide range of problems within it, or move out of marriage'', one would define couple counselling as ``a specialised process that renders therapeutic assistance to couples in ongoing relationships that serve the same functions as marriage''. I have taken the liberty to adapt the definition of marriage counselling by

146 Ladlow, taken from Gurman and Rice (1975), to develop a further definition of couple counselling. This one is more descriptive of the focus of couple counselling. Even though this is such an old source, it still is applicable today. It reads as follows: Couples counselling is a form of short-term psychotherapy dealing with interpersonal relationships, in which the problems related to the ongoing relationship between two partners are addressed ... it is an approach carried out essentially at a conscious level (1975:20). The definition suggests that the focus of attention during counselling is on the couple's relationship, rather than personality reconstruction of either of the partners. Interventions are directed at addressing the issues of concern that the couple are conscious of. However, the definition fails to specify how the couple are helped. In view of this, I have developed my own definition of couple counselling. It is: A process that aims to assist couples to improve their responses to each other through increasing their knowledge about themselves and their partners. This process enables the couple to decide on the kind of life they want to build together, the kind of partners that they want to be and the attitudes and behaviours that are necessary to achieve this. This definition respects each couple's individualised notion of what a couple relationship should involve. It recognises that the helping process is an interactive practice reliant upon participation from the helper and couple. The helper's function is to facilitate communication between the couple so that both partners develop greater clarity of one another's intentions and expectations. The understanding and clarity that evolve enable the couple to develop mutually satisfying goals for their future. I believe that couples counsellors should work according to a developmental perspective, one which recognises that couples have the potential to make changes within their relationship that are not reliant upon the helper's guidance. One hopes couples counselling will assist the couple to enjoy greater personalised happiness in their lives.

4.2.1 The characteristics of couples counselling

In an early study that I undertook on marital counselling (Petty, 1986:19) I found that the following characteristics of marital therapy were highlighted in the definitions. These characteristics remain relevant to helpers who favour an integrative approach to working with couples. . The emphasis is placed on the couple system and their relationship, rather than the individuals. ``The couple is the patient not the persons'' (adapted from Humphrey in Petty, 1986:19). . ``The aim is to free the partners from painful and unrewarding interactions in order that they can live together more happily'' (Ryle in Petty 1986:19).

147

MGG201W/1

. Some psychodynamic understanding of the individual personalities in interaction with one another is useful. This is because this understanding highlights each partner's expectations of their relationship and explains why they develop many defence mechanisms within the relationship. . Conjoint interviewing techniques are preferred. Every effort is made to see the couple together rather than individually. This enables the helper and couple identify the couple dynamics more easily. . The main focus is on their current concerns and relationship issues rather than their past problems and early life history. The only time that the past is explored is when there is some indication that this will help to explain present behaviour and attitudes. . Although marriage is recognised as an important institution of human organisation, clearly, if in the process of counselling the relationship does not improve, the counsellor assists the couple to separate from each other. The aim of intervention is not the preservation of the relationship at all costs, but ``a restoration of choice and possibility to the couple'' (Ryle in Petty, 1986).

4.3 DIVORCE COUNSELLING

Spouses may come for marriage counselling with different expectations. One may want the marriage to work and the other may want it to end. Some postpone counselling until all that can be achieved is to help them to end their relationship. Some couples feel guilty about wanting to leave their relationship, and may attempt counselling as a last bid to save their marriage. Sadly, it is seldom that a couple in conflict are both equally open to separation as a solution. In instances where a partner's needs have not been fulfilled over a long period of time, he or she may find that some emotional disengagement has already taken place, and further investment of psychic energy into the relationship is impossible. Couple counselling in these instances renders no positive results. At times, partners may come to counselling for help to end their marriage with fairness and as little bitterness as possible. One partner may be afraid to tell the other partner that they want to end the relationship, and may hope that the helper will be able to defuse their partner's reaction so that it will be is less volatile. Some still have caring feelings for the partner, not as a husband or wife, but as a brother or sister, and may want the helper to be there to support the partner through this difficult stage. These situations are indicative of the need for divorce counselling. During divorce counselling the helper assists the couple to deal with the losses of the relationship. Many losses are experienced when ending a relationship: love, dreams, a shared home, companionship, the status of being married, children. Divorce counselling addresses the issues that pertain to being uncoupled or divorced. Generally helpers assist the couple to deal with the six stations of divorce that were first identified by

148 Paul Bohannan as early as the 1970s (Lauer & Lauer, 1994:447). These are: the emotional divorce; the legal divorce; the economic divorce; the coparental divorce; the community divorce; the psychic divorce.

The emotional divorce

This involves assisting the client to deal with the loss of trust, respect and affection within the relationship. It is very hurtful to realise that you have been ``deselected''. It leaves people feeling as though they are failures and affects their self-esteem, especially the partners who have been rejected. Coping strategies need to be found to survive these losses. Antagonistic feelings of anger and resentment need to be dissipated to allow the person to reclaim his or her life as a single person again.

The legal divorce

This state is achieved when the court officially brings the marriage to an end. Dealing with lawyers and the court may be stressful, but this stage actually provides some tangible benefits to the divorce process because after this process the partners are legally severed from their duties to care for one another. Their financial autonomy is finalised after the divorce and they are freed from being responsible for each other's debts. The legal divorce separates or divides one estate into two.

The economic divorce

This station is the one that often creates the most bitterness. It involves the settlement of marital property because the couple's assets have to be divided. As can be imagined, it creates major unhappiness because there are seldom enough assets for each to feel that they are getting that which they require to live comfortably. Some feel that the assets allocated to them are not enough to compensate them for all that they invested, materially and psychologically, in their marriage. Most couples struggle to agree on who should get what. It may not be the financial value of an item, but the sentimental value, such as the first picture taken of their baby at birth, that generates the arguing about who is entitled to what. The division of assets facilitates an uncomfortable realisation that the future will no longer include many familiar and cherished items for both partners. The couple have to reach agreement about how much child support or maintenance will be paid to the custodial parent for caring for the children, if there are any involved. In some instances maintenance may be awarded to a spouse who for some reason is not able to manage on their own income, for example a partner who never worked during the thirty years of marriage and fulfilled the role of homemaker, or a person who is disabled and unable to be self-supporting. When couples have not been married, but have lived together without any contract, it becomes more difficult for the court to intervene and decide how assets should be redistributed. Cohabiting couples should consider drawing up a legal contract at the start of their union, so as to protect themselves in the event of the dissolution of their relationship. Without this, it is very

149

MGG201W/1

difficult for one partner to demand the financial settlement that he or she would have been entitled to if married. This is one of the arguments for legalising same-sex unions.

The co-parental divorce

Deciding how post-divorce family life should be organised is very important when children are involved. ``Who has custody?'', ``How should visiting rights of the access parent be arranged?'', ``How can parenting responsibilities be shared between both parties?'' are all important issues which need to be resolved. Sadly, it is too easy for parents to use children as weapons against each other. There are many instances when children are not protected from the conflict and bitterness that rages between the warring parents. In these instances the children become emotionally trapped by their loyalty to both parents.

The community divorce

When a couple's relationship ends, both parties have to leave one community of friends and relations to enter another. This is often because, in an attempt to understand the failed relationship, friends and family become polarised. Shared friends from the former marriage tend to feel more sympathetic to one party, and fail to understand the breakdown from both perspectives. It is not uncommon for friends and relatives to add to the divorcing person's pain by revealing more ``truths'' about the other partner, only adding to his or her humiliation. As there is no clearly defined code of how friends of divorcing couples should behave towards the separating couple, they often avoid social contact altogether, rather than face the awkwardness of not knowing how to behave. Divorcees report that it is difficult to continue socialising with married friends because they are treated as new predators and a threat to their friends' marriages. Relationships with former in-laws may become minimal, strained or even be completely severed. This is a huge loss for many people who had valued the relationships formed and the sense of belonging that they once shared. Changing from one community of relationships to another is likely to be challenging, leaving the divorcing person feeling lonely and isolated for a period of time.

The psychic divorce

This phase is marked by the individual learning to regain their sense of autonomy as an individual, rather than seeing themselves as part of an intimate couple. The intense reactions of denial, anger, bargaining, and grief are replaced with feelings of acceptance. The person learns to distance himself or herself from the positive and negative aspects of the broken relationship and move on to rediscover their individuality. This is referred to as the central separation, the stage when the person begins to feel whole again. During divorce counselling the counsellor provides a safe but enabling context for the person to negotiate these changes. Counselling is

150 supportive and involves helping the person to set goals for himself or herself in order to enable him or her to reclaim the status and well-being of a single autonomous person again. The divorcing person may be referred to community self-help groups or therapeutic groups providing him or her with a wider support system to sustain him or her during this lonely phase.

4.4 DIVORCE MEDIATION

Mediation is a process by which an impartial third person helps parties to resolve disputes through mutual concession and face-to-face bargaining. This suggests that when two people are locked in a conflict situation and they are unable to be objective, a third person is introduced to facilitate a negotiation process. Mediation is a consensual process. Both parties involved must want to participate in the process because they see the merits of working out their own solutions rather than allowing someone else to settle their disputes for them. The parties are given the opportunity to solve their mutual problems in a supportive, nonjudgmental, communicative climate. The purpose is to avoid the win-lose situation and develop creative means for both parties to resolve their problem or dispute amicably. The negotiation process is kept civil and fair. The mediator is the manager of the couple's negotiations and organises the discussions of the issues that need to be resolved. When a divorcing couple reaches a mediator, they have usually exhausted all known possibilities of reaching agreement. They have to end their relationship and deal with the practical arrangements of support, asset division, future parenting and financial settlement at a time when trust is low and they are overwhelmed with negative emotions such as anger, resentment and bitterness. Divorce mediation is the counselling process that enables the divorcing couple to make responsible choices about the division and reassembling of the family. The purpose is to keep the divorce casualties to a minimum and help the couple reach solutions of maximum fairness and minimum bitterness. The mediator creates a very structured counselling process that assists the couple to negotiate the issues at stake, without allowing their emotions to cloud their judgement. The couple may reach the point during the mediation process where they are able to develop their own divorce agreement. They may then decide whether to make direct application to the Court for a divorce, or to recruit the services of an attorney to do this on their behalf. There appears to be a fairly repetitive cycle that is followed during mediation. The mediator ensures that the couple collect the data needed to reach a fair decision. The data are made explicit and displayed to create openness and transparency. The couple are allowed the opportunity to check to see whether the data are authentic, accurate and neutral. The couple are helped to clarify specifically that which they need to resolve or settle. They are helped to develop a range of different

151

MGG201W/1

solutions, and from the possible solutions they select the best options which will benefit them both They bargain over the different options until they reach a mutually satisfying outcome.

ACTIVITY
Consider what you have just read, and list the advantages of couples using divorce mediation instead of relying upon the legal system to settle their divorces.

FEEDBACK
. Divorce mediation is a dignified process where couples have to display civility and courtesy to each other without allowing their emotions to cloud their decision making. . It helps to restructure post-divorce family life in much more detail, trying to keep the interests of the children at the fore. The outcome is therefore more likely to be child friendly. . The couple are the best people to decide on kind of agreement that they will suit their family because no one else knows them and their needs as well as they do. . During the divorce mediation process the couple learn all kinds of skills such as negotiation skills, how to move away from intimacy, conflict management, problem solving. These skills are all important for post-divorce family life. . Divorce mediation results in far less post-divorce litigation. . It stresses that the parties are ending their marital relationship but not their parental obligations, and keeps both parents actively involved in their parenting partnership.

4.4.1 The structure of divorce mediation

Divorce mediation usually requires four to six sessions, with the minimum number of sessions being two. The first session is the longest session and lasts for between one and a half and two hours. The couple decide upon the issues that need to be settled. Some divorce mediators work in a multiprofessional team, with lawyers, social workers and psychologists. In the United States of America one may even find a tax consultant as a member of this team. Other divorce mediators work individually. Some assist the couple to reach agreement and then write up a memorandum of understanding which the couple take with them to an attorney who then processes the divorce legally. Others assist the couple to process their divorce through the divorce courts.

ACTIVITY
Consult community bulletin boards, religious group newsletters and any local

152
newspapers to see whether any premarital or marital enrichment programmes or divorce counselling groups are offered in your neighbourhood. Attach relevant copies of these advertisements, or fliers or brochures, in your study journal. Stop and consider: Is it too easy to get married or too easy to get divorced? If one wants to create a society that recognises the family as its cornerstone, what should we be doing to strengthen family relationships? Should we place more emphasis on marriage guidance interventions or change the divorce laws?

FEEDBACK
Sadly, too little emphasis is placed on premarital counselling and even less on marriage enrichment programmes. There was a time when Christian ministers of religion were only prepared to marry Christian couples who had participated in a premarital course before the wedding. Traditionally, young Venda women would have received instruction about the rituals of womanhood and sexuality from traditional initiation schools so that they were adequately prepared for their roles as women and wives. Much of this has changed and many couples enter marriage without having considered the complexities of commitment in relationships. It is hoped that, with the introduction of Life Orientation as a compulsory high school subject in South African schools, relationship preparation will become part of the curriculum. It is important that all teenage learners receive some relationship preparation to provide them with the necessary education and social planning that were previously covered by other societal institutions. Certain Catholic parishes are well known for their commitment to running Marriage Enrichment weekend retreats. A few other Christian groups do the same. Sadly, there are very few couples who take time out of their busy schedules to reevaluate their relationships. Imago therapy, founded by Harville Hendrix, helps married couples to hear and understand each other better. Imago therapy may be offered in an intensive weekend workshop called ``Getting the Love You Want''. An accredited workshop facilitator helps attending couples to work through exercises designed to assist them to work through their emotional wounds from the past, in the context of the present. Hendrix and his wife wrote a work book for couples to work through independently, for those who do not want to work in a group context. This workbook is titled ``Getting the love you want: a guide for couples'' (Hendrix and Hunt). Standardised premarital and enrichment assessment programmes that are offered by many of the FAMSA agencies in South Africa are the Prepare and Enrich Assessment Programs developed by David Olson, David Fournier and Joan Drukman, marriage counsellors in Minneapolis. These were designed to make partners more aware of their individual needs and expectations, their partner's needs and expectations, and the state of the relationship at a particular point in time. The Prepare Assessment Program was designed specifically for couples contemplating a long-term commitment to one another. The Enrich Assessment Program was designed for couples who have been living together for some time. A fairly standardised process is followed in these assessments. The couple make an appointment to see a trained Prepare-Enrich counsellor. The procedure of the written assessment is explained to them. They are informed that the assessment will help them to highlight the strengths in their relationship, as well as the problematic issues. On completion of the written assessment they make an

153

MGG201W/1

appointment to receive the coded results, and if they so desire, further appointments are arranged to assist them to work through the troublesome issues. The couple respond to 125 written statements, using a four and five point Likert Rating Scale. When the counsellor scores the assessment, the areas of strength and compatibility in the relationship are highlighted, as well as any potential areas for conflict. The couple are encouraged to talk about the issues identified as potential conflict areas. Different social agencies may arrange groups for single parents or newly divorced couples. There are no standardised divorce counselling groups that are presented in South Africa. Instead divorce counselling groups rely on the innovation and enthusiasm of the practitioners working with divorcing people who recognise the benefits of a group programme.

ACTIVITY
Make a list of what you consider the most important purposes of couple counselling.

4.5 THE PURPOSE OF COUPLES COUNSELLING

According to the integrative approach to helping couples, the most pertinent purposes of couples counselling would include enhancing the couple's insight, challenging their unrealistic expectations, increasing the reciprocal reinforcers in the relationship, and assisting the couple to acquire new relationship skills. These aim to build and strengthen the couple's relationship in specific areas such as: . developing and increasing the insight of both parties by helping them to symbolise their unsymbolised experiences . enhancing the communication between the couple so that there is openness and clarity in sending and receiving messages, skilful management of conflict and a comfortable balance between talking and listening . helping the couple to accept their differences and find ways to compromise . helping the couple to clarify their values and family goals . creating support for one another and enhancing the ability to empathise with one another . enhancing each person's level of self awareness . helping them to dismantle unhelpful misconceptions and unrealistic expectations about love and relationships . equipping them with skills to resolve future conflict . increasing the levels of shared fun . enabling them to find meaningful ways to express affection and appreciation for one another

154

4.6 THE COUNSELLING RELATIONSHIP

A counsellor may focus on different things in a counselling relationship. Some counsellors are preoccupied with applying skills and tasks, others place more emphasis on the therapeutic relationship. Nelson-Jones (1993:10) states, ``With a person orientation the major emphasis is on the quality of the human relationship offered by counsellors and helpers. In an emotional climate of safety, freedom and being understood at a deep level, technical skills become secondary. The client's own capacity for self-direction is released. Providing good relationships with clients is considered both 'necessary and sufficient for change to occur' ''. In this quotation Nelson-Jones emphasises the importance of placing the therapeutic relationship first, and acquiring skills and therapeutic techniques thereafter. Unless the helper has the ability to create a meaningful relationship with the couple, counselling will be ineffective. As highlighted in theme three, in the discussion of the person-centred approach of working with couples, the conditions for creating good therapeutic relationships were discussed in depth. These included demonstrating unconditional acceptance towards the couple, conveying high levels of empathy, being congruent and sincere, and embracing the ability of the couple to determine the direction in which they want their relationship to move. Snyder (1989:359) suggests that the helper actually uses these three essential characteristics of the helping relationship to teach couples how to be person-centred facilitators of one another's growth. O'Leary (1989) challenges us that the manner in which the therapeutic conditions are conveyed requires a different operational form when working with couples. I wish to refer briefly to some of the challenges of applying these conditions when working with couples. In couples or family counselling, the establishment of a relationship is more complex than when working with individuals, where one can expect the psychological contact between the helper and individual to be comparatively straightforward. This is quite simply because there are more people involved. The helper has to decide who he or she should include in the therapeutic relationship. The relationship could be with each person who belongs to the couple or family, or it could be with just one individual, as suggested by the Object Relations Theory. Some family therapists would go as far as saying that the helper actually needs to become part of the couple or family system in order to be effective. This implies that the helper needs to spend a lot of time joining with the family so that he or she is accepted as having as good an understanding of the family's unique culture as if it was his or her own. The more people who are involved in the therapeutic relationship, the richer and more multidimensional the helper's view of the couple becomes. Furthermore, Gaylin (1989: 266) stresses that when working with couples, the helper can observe the complex interactions being played out directly in his or her presence. This is unlike the experience of a helper working with an individual, where there is an over-reliance on a one-dimensional version of the story. In summary, the therapeutic relationship in couple

155

MGG201W/1

counselling is quantitatively and qualitatively different from that of the therapeutic relationship in individual counselling. The novice helper should be prepared for this difference.

4.6.1 The meaning of a professional counselling relationship

The counselling relationship is different from a social relationship or a family relationship, and for this reason one should never attempt to offer professional counselling to family and friends, no matter how skilled or experienced one is in this field. According to Muller (2002:78) one would expect a professional relationship to encompass the following: . It is a fairly personal relationship, and as such involves respect and empathy. . It is a confidential relationship that deals with some issues that may cause the couple discomfort and embarrassment. Couples are not likely to disclose these issues easily to others. . It has a definite time limit. . It is formal. The times and places for meetings are contracted. . The helper is a professional, in other words is appropriately trained and experienced in working with couples. . The actions of the helper are guided by professional values and a specific code of ethics. . The service occurs within a specific context that determines whether a fee should be charged and what that fee structure should be.

4.6.2 The core conditions of the helping relationship (a) Unconditional positive regard
Non-possessive warmth and acceptance of each person's right to feelings, thoughts and experiences without judgement unleashes a healing component that has a life-enhancing effect (Snyder, 1989:359; O'Leary, 1989:309). Rogers explained that when one demonstrates unconditional positive regard for people, the positive experiences they have of being accepted do a lot to increase their self-respect. When they are aware of being respected, people become less threatened and begin to evaluate themselves realistically. This has a striking impact on couples who come for counselling. They usually come at a time when both parties are at their most defensive and blame one another for their problems. They come for counselling expecting to be allowed to complain about their partner, and do not expect to focus on the dynamic nature of the conflict. They are stuck in a groove of trying to shift the blame for their psychological tension on to someone else. They believe that the problem will only go away if their partner changes. Each attempts to present themselves as the victims and their partners as the villains. When they realise that the counsellor respects them and believes in their positive intentions regarding the relationship, they are less rigid and begin to see that the problem lies within their interactions with one another, and not within their personalities. Personal development and problem solving are

156 facilitated (O'Leary, 1989:316). For many it is a relief to be able to talk about feelings and experiences without being judged. The couple follows on from the helper's lead and begins to realise that their relationship has within it sources of strength, healing and cohesion. As each has an opportunity to talk openly about their feelings and experiences, they begin to recognise that there are several perspectives. Each person starts taking responsibility for what they need to change about the way in which they relate to each other. The helper's ability to demonstrate a genuine interest and respect for each partner goes a long way to create the right context for the couple to lower their defensiveness.

(b) The genuineness of the helper

Carl Rogers emphasised that the helper is a person with his or her own history, values, feelings etc. The helper has to remain free and deeply true to his or her inner self, feelings and experiences, while at the same time being neutral towards the couple. This has a positive influence on the couple, who learn that it is desirable to give up their defensiveness and masks and be open and honest. In a couple context, the helper relates sincerely to more than one person at a time. The helper's own personal experiences of gender, ageism and life cycle issues make it more difficult to express genuine prizing and empathy with each person in the couple relationship or family , especially since the individuals are often in open conflict with each other. The helper reacts authentically in situations such as this. The couple learns from the helper's personal reactions to these arguments, because the helper's reactions are devoid of blaming. There are challenges to working congruently with couples, though. The dynamic nature of couple and family counselling invariably awakens the helper's own reflections of personal unresolved family conflicts. The helper cannot express these because the couple's relationship is meant to be the focus of attention, not the helper's issues. Furthermore, it is very difficult to respond with respect and demonstrated empathy to people who, for example, are said to physically assault their partners. It is quite challenging for a couple counsellor to be as congruent in couple counselling as he or she would be in individual counselling, because helper neutrality is much harder to maintain.

(c) Empathic understanding

Gaylin (1989:273) asserts that empathy is a therapeutic skill that requires rigorous attention and concentration. In couple counselling the helper works that much harder. This is because, firstly, he or she has to reflect each person's subjective experience, or separate reality, to make him or her feel understood. The separate realities differ and are very personal and emotional for those telling their stories. They require the helper's absolute concentration and perceptiveness if the salient issues are to be identified. Secondly, the helper has to take empathy one step further: to assist each person to become more responsive to the other's

157

MGG201W/1

perspectives. This necessitates calm and patience. Thirdly, while viewing these separate realities objectively, the sensitive helper strives to assist the couple to develop alternative perspectives. The helper responds by communicating empathic understanding of not just an individual, but the couple's shared reality. This is like listening with an inner ear, to hear the common issues or themes inherent in each individual story. By highlighting these, it is easier to work with the common or shared realties than with the couple's separate realities. This may be clearer in the following example. Tracy and Tyron make an appointment to see the counsellor about their frequent arguments around Tracy going out with her friends. Tracy is very unhappy, because she suspects that Tyron doesn't trust her. She tells the counsellor that he keeps on checking up on her. Tyron explains that he doesn't believe that Tracy will cheat on him, but that he worries that something may happen to her when he isn't there to protect her. The helper empathises with Tracy first saying, ``It hurts you to think that Tyron doesn't trust you.'' To Tyron the helper says, ``You can't bear to think of anything bad happening to Tracy''. On establishing that these are both accurate empathic responses the counsellor says, ``Both of you care a great deal for each other. Tracy, because you care so much for Tyron, you get upset suspecting that he doubts you. Tyron, you care so much for Tracy that you get upset thinking about the things that could happen to her that may result in losing her''. This mutual or collective empathy enables the couple system to see their interactions in a new light. Separate, or individual empathic response, directed at each individual, may not alter the couple's individual perspectives as much as an accurate collective empathic response, as illustrated in the preceding example.

4.6.3 The role of the helper

The couples counsellor is responsible for facilitating a communication process between the two partners. As stated earlier, the helper's neutrality assists the process because it encourages the couple to refrain from blaming one another and being defensive. The therapeutic context allows the couple to be more objective, develop a broader understanding of the issues at stake, and fashion realistic and mutually satisfying goals in the hope of increasing each person's general level of satisfaction within the relationship. The counsellor assists the couple by way of asking clever questions, summarising, reframing, mutualising and empathising so that the couple develop a broader, clearer definition of their difficulties. The clearer definition helps them to decide how they would like their relationship to change. The couple see that there is hope for a better, more satisfying relationship. They are prepared for the setbacks that are characteristic when attempting change.

158

ACTIVITY
Consider how you would feel discussing your personal relationship problems with a helper. Consider the reasons why receiving couple counselling from a close relative or family friend is not indicated. List your expectations of a professional couple counsellor.

FEEDBACK
Be realistic. One cannot say that one expects the person to resolve the relationship problems, because that is only possible with the commitment of the parties involved in counselling. One can also not expect the helper to decide who is responsible for the problem or who is to blame. The objective of counselling is to facilitate a process whereby a person and his or her partner develop a better understanding of their relationship concerns. Both need to form mutually satisfying relationship goals and formulate strategies to achieve those goals, and keep evaluating the successfulness of the implementation of those plans. One should expect the helper to provide a safe context to allow one to discuss the problem. The safe context would be strengthened by the prevalence of professional values such as confidentiality, respect and individualisation. Hopefully the helper will be an open-minded person who is respectful, empathic, sincere and appreciative of one's ability to determine the direction of the counselling process oneself. The helper's professional values should ensure that the helper remains gender sensitive, culture sensitive, race sensitive and age sensitive, and therefore prefers to understand one from one's own frame of reference. It should go without saying that the person will be properly trained and have sufficient supervised experience in couple counselling so that the interventions used are based on sound theoretical reasoning. The helping experience should be empowering so that the insights, lessons and skills gained will enable one and one's partner to deal with other relationship crises that may be encountered. This sounds like a tall order. It is no wonder that many couples approach several helpers before they find one that satisfies these requirements. The helper has to guarantee neutrality, and therefore any previous relationship with one member of the couple may jeopardise the helping process. Neither you nor your partner would like to feel that the helper will side with the other partner because of a previous history with them. One may even question the extent to which a helper who is acquainted with a couple will be able to resist starting the counselling process with his or her own assumptions about who or what is responsible for the couple's problems.

4.6.4 Values and couples counselling

ACTIVITY
Read the following case study and answer the questions that follow.

159

MGG201W/1

Ravi is thirty-five years old. He works for a kitchen installation firm as a joiner. He is married to Usha, aged twenty-nine, and they have two sons, Dev and Suman, aged seven and five. Usha is not allowed to work as Ravi expects her to be the homemaker and raise the boys. This places him under tremendous pressure to earn enough money to afford the lifestyle they lead. He works long hours to earn overtime pay. He is stressed and has taken to spending Friday evenings with his friends, who gamble and drink. Usha tends to confront Ravi when he gets home late under the influence of alcohol. He swears at her and then when she pleads with him to lower his voice, to avoid upsetting the boys, he becomes even angrier. He often challenges her with remarks such as ``This is my house and if you do not want to listen to me you can take your things and get out''. Ravi's aggressiveness in these situations is escalating. He has taken to pushing and shoving Usha. On one occasion he pulled her into the bedroom and forced her to have sexual intercourse with him, saying that she should know her place and fulfil her obligations as a good wife. Usha is afraid of Ravi, as she describes his actions as unpredictable. On two occasions he has forced the boys to get in the car with him when he was in an angry, drunken state. On both occasions he drove off with them, not telling Usha where he was taking them or when she could expect them back. The more she pleaded with him to allow them to stay with her, the more he said that he was the head of the household and that she had to learn to know her place. During recent arguments Ravi has struck Usha at the slightest provocation. By the time Usha comes to see the helper for assistance she is a nervous wreck. Her self-esteem has been completely undermined. She feels that there is no escape for her from her unhappy situation. She is totally dependent on Ravi for financial support and a roof over her head. He has threatened to kill her if she ever leaves him. She is too afraid to tell her parents about what is really happening in her marriage, especially since Ravi has advised her that he has bought a gun. To what extent do you respect Ravi? To what extent do you respect Usha? What actions would you recommend Usha should take? Should you keep Usha's secret or should someone be told that her life is in danger? To what extent does this case resemble the cases of domestic violence that are so prevalent in our society? What are we doing to address this problem?

FEEDBACK
Perhaps you may say that Ravi is wrong and that men should not ill-treat women. Or you may judge Usha for choosing such an unsuitable time to confront Ravi, namely when he has been drinking. Or you may judge Usha for staying with Ravi and putting her and her sons' lives at risk. You may feel strongly that because Ravi is shows signs of alcoholism and refuses to acknowledge this, Usha's life is only going to get worse, and she should be advised to leave and start divorce proceedings. You may believe that Ravi has compromised the quality of Usha's life and unless she takes action against him, by obtaining an interdict, he will

160
never understand the consequences of his actions and will continue to be violent. You are likely to find yourself in a most uncomfortable situation where you have promised to keep a secret, but you realise that if you do, someone's life may be at risk. This case resembles most abusive relationship patterns and you may believe that the prognosis of these cases is poor. It is quite normal for you to be afraid for the people who could get hurt if you do not break the silence. It is easy to study and identify the necessary professional values expected of counsellors, but it is even easier to fall into the trap of responding according to one's personal values. Personal values tend to make us classify situations in terms of good and bad, right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable. In other words, we naturally or instinctively respond to situations according to our own internal valuing mechanisms. We learn to do this from our significant others, our upbringing, our religious convictions, our experiences with other people, and so on. The way we see or judge situations shapes our responses, attitudes and reactions. Can we be effective helpers when we allow our personal responses to shape our actions and responses?

``Professional values are the beliefs that guide counsellors in their conduct with clients'' (Muller, 2002:68). The exercise that you have just completed was intended to stress the importance of helpers operating from a clearly defined set of professional values when offering assistance to couples in crisis. Professional values offer protection against the helper's personal values impacting upon their assessment and treatment of the couple in counselling. Professional values regulate the helper's actions during the helping process. Unless a helper operates according to a set of clearly defined professional values, clients may fear being judged and may experience unease about whether the help they receive is professional or not. Respect, confidentiality, individualisation and self-determination are four professional values that have been found relevant for work in the mental health and couples counselling fields. There is sufficient evidence that when counsellors internalise these values and make them part of their persona, they are able to create a safe, trusting therapeutic climate that increases the chances of their clients opening up and becoming more sincere and less defensive.

ACTIVITY
Refer to: Grobler, H, Schenck, R & du Toit, D. 2003. Person-centred communication: theory and practice. Cape Town: Oxford University Press. Please review your understanding of these four values. I shall briefly discuss these values in terms of their application to couples counselling.

161

MGG201W/1

(a) Respect
This is the term given to the unconditional positive regard that the helper demonstrates to the couple. The couple senses that the helper accepts both of them equally. The acceptance they experience is more than the acceptance that they receive from others outside the counselling relationship. Muller (2002:70) describes this as the helper having both the conviction that every human has wisdom that can be used in some way and a willingness to assist clients to find this wisdom. The helper suspends his or her personal judgment in order to achieve a neutral stance toward the couple. Gaylin (1989) describes this as the helper prizing or demonstrating a very positive stance towards clients. This ``prizing'' is more challenging when working with couples because it is needed at a time when the couple want to blame and accuse each other for their difficulties. The positive regard that the couple have for one another is usually lost and is replaced with judgment and condemnation. In many instances the couple expect the helper to decide who is right and who is wrong. The helper should instead be maintaining a prizing attitude towards all the people involved simultaneously. To avoid taking sides the helper may have to reframe the situation from a win-lose situation by assisting the couple to develop a new, mutually acceptable view of their problem. ``Reframing deliberately by passes a conventional explanation for a behaviour and is an attempt to define it in a way that is more encouraging and challenging'' (O'Leary, 1989:317). The intent behind the behaviour is given a positive explanation, not the behaviour itself. Respecting both parties equally in couple counselling is a tough order, and yet when this value is successfully applied, the helper acts as a valuable role model, reminding the couple of their positive attributes and worth. It is a welcome relief for both to feel understood without being judged.

(b) Individualisation
Much has been written about the typical characteristics of the family life cycle, but it must be remembered that couples experience developmental and psychological tasks in their own unique ways. The helper avoids falling into the trap of taking shortcuts in the helping process by failing to allow a couple to define their own experiences. Making generalisations based on theory can be a costly error, because the counsellor may misunderstand the couple's concerns. Theory should be used with discretion and be secondary to the helper setting out to identify and discern the uniqueness of each partner, as well as the uniqueness of their relationship. Individualisation can only be achieved by the helper sharpening his or her listening skills and being fully present emotionally for the couple. Rogers, as quoted by Grobler et al (2003:97), explains that individualisation ``assumes the internal frame of reference of the client, to perceive the world as the client sees it, to perceive the client himself as he is seen by himself, to lay aside all perceptions from the external frame of reference while doing so, and to communicate something of this empathic

162 understanding to the client.'' In order for the helper to be able to individualise each partner, the following abilities should be demonstrated: to be self-aware of any prejudices and biases that are operational; to listen acutely; to move the therapeutic process at the pace of the couple; to be empathic, warm and non-judgmental; to be flexible (2003:103). The interesting aspect of working with couples is that the helper deals with each person's view of their private world of meaning, as well as the shared view of the couple. The helper juggles these multiple realities, acknowledging the uniqueness of each reality before uncovering the commonalities and tentatively revealing them. Each person in the relationship has their own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, convictions, attitudes and expressions. These are combined with those of the other to form the couple bond or relationship. By the helper embracing the diversity of individuals, the couple are helped to understand that their differences can be harnessed and transformed into synergy. Synergy is a positive energy that arises when one combines the unique strengths of individuals who are determined to find a common goal or move in the same direction. Modern authors such as Stephen Covey (1999) stress that more can be achieved through embracing human differences and finding ways to combine them for the common good of all involved. Glassman and Kates, as mentioned in Grobler et al (2003), talk about assisting members in a group to listen to, respond to, and incorporate different opinions, values, cultures and personalities without requiring adherence to a narrow ideology or a narrow spectrum of permissible behaviours. This thought is equally relevant to couple and family counselling. The helper assists the couple or family to find a family system that is an interesting blend of combined opinions and values that will satisfy the needs of all those involved.

(c) Self-determination
One recognises the importance of self-determination when one believes that individuals are the world's greatest authorities on themselves. This means that each knows the ``self'' better than anyone else, and is in the best position to explore, uncover and finally understand himself or herself. When one subscribes to this point of view, then one regards it as nonsensical for a counsellor to direct or determine what the couple have to do in order to increase the general happiness in their relationship. Rather, they should, according to Grobler et al (2003:104), be allowed to decide what they wish to discuss; how they wish to discuss it; whether they wish to discuss it; how they experience and perceive themselves and their world; what they need; how they wish to satisfy their needs; what their values will be; what threatens their relationship; how they would like to proceed to explore their painful experiences. When considering the role of the group worker in terms of selfdetermination, it is my contention that the cautionary guidelines presented by Grobler et al (2003:106) are equally relevant for helpers

163

MGG201W/1

working with couples or families. The helper should not take control away from the couple, try to interpret facts and behaviour to them, guide or manipulate them, or decide to change the direction of the session according to his or her discretion. Instead, the helper should assist the couple to move towards greater independence and autonomy, as they are respected for being capable of taking responsibility for their own actions and decisions. Far from being passive during the process of helping, the counsellor has an important role to play, namely, to ensure that the couple view their situation as completely as possible and consider all relevant factors at play. This will equip them to make informed decisions about how they should proceed in the helping process. This is easier said than done, when working with couples. Just consider what happens when you ask your family what they want for dinner. It is uncommon for all family members to choose the same dish. A period of discussion and compromise has to follow until a collectively satisfying family decision is reached. The helper has the responsibility to facilitate this important process during couples counselling. By teasing out individual preferences and understanding the interests that lie behind their choices, the helper assists the couple to find mutually satisfying options. In other words, selfdetermination suggests that one adopts a participatory way of working with couples. This involves several steps: helping the couple understand what they want to do and why; considering and evaluating the possible outcomes of the different options available; making a decision about the best outcome possible, given their situation and resources; preparing them for the risks or obstacles they may face when operationalising their decision, and so on. Furthermore, self-determination should not be misinterpreted to mean that it is disrespectful or counterproductive to use therapeutic tools such as assessment schedules. Rather it suggests that couples need to be informed about what tools are available, and the benefits and limitations of using them, so that they can decide for themselves whether they choose to make use of them. Finally, the helper needs to be realistic, and in some situations to remind the couple that their right to make their own decisions has limitations because all decisions taken must satisfy legal requirements. An example of this would be the following situation: even though a separated couple may decide that they will be happy to share custody of their child, and the child will spend six months of each year living with each parent, the law will not allow this when it is clear that this will be harmful for the child. Or, consider the situation of a mentally confused old man who refuses to agree to move into on old age home. The decision can be made on his behalf by having him certified, should his poor mental health be a danger to himself, his wife or others. It must always be remembered that there are legal limitations to the decisions people can take. It is the duty of the helper to be well informed of legislation, especially family law, in order to provide a competent, effective and ethical service.

164

(d) Confidentiality
An inability to resolve relationship problems with a partner is regarded by many as a shame, or a matter of a highly personal nature. Relationship problems are considered by most to be private family matters. One frequently hears a person in counselling to say things such as, ``I don't like to hang my dirty washing out in public'' or ``family matters are personal matters that should stay behind closed doors''. In view of this, an effective helper should consider it as his or her responsibility to create a climate where the couple will not feel reluctant to talk about their problems. In the safety of the therapeutic alliance, they may consciously acknowledge and explore painful experiences or problem areas. Couples need reassurance that whatever they discuss in counselling will be considered private. The information that they divulge will be protected from falling into the hands of others. There are certain professional actions required to protect the confidentiality of couples in counselling. These may include: taking stringent measures to file case notes or client files in a secure place; ensuring that couples' identities are protected in the waiting room before they are called into the helper's office; obtaining the couple's written permission to discuss their details with other professionals when referring them to another professional or trying to collect information from another professional for the case history; getting the couple to agree that case notes should not be used in legal cases against either party unless a court of law subpoenas a file; ensuring that staff members working with case files sign confidentiality agreement forms so that they are obliged to protect the information as well. Couples are not always seen together and in an effort to help the counsellor understand a person's point of view, they may tell the counsellor something important that their partner does not know about. For example, they have been having an affair, or they have a bank account where they deposit savings of their own, that their partner is not aware of. You will recall in theme three, in the discussion of the personcentred approach, much emphasis was placed on a helper being congruent, sincere and honest. One may ask whether the helper should be allowed to keep these secrets from the partner who is not present at the interview. What about a situation such as the example of Ravi and Usha, where a partner has a weapon and has threatened to use it? Has the counsellor the right to report this to the authorities in order to protect those at risk? During counselling, a partner may ask the helper whether it is necessary to tell their partner facts relating to their earlier life that have nothing to do with their partner. Spies (2000:272) explains that the answer to this kind of dilemma should be worked out with the client, when all the options available are explored and the ramifications of the outcomes of disclosure carefully calculated. The outcome will depend on the level of trust between the helper and the client. Grobler et al (2003) suggest that trust is developed by acting respectfully and working in participation with the client. As early as possible during the process, the couple need to be informed that the helper is not a professional secret keeper. The helper's role is to

165

MGG201W/1

assist the couple to become more open and congruent within their relationship with one another. The helper will attempt to create a safe context where they can disclose relevant secrets, namely those that impact directly on their couple relationship. The couple may also be informed that all information will be handled confidentially unless the counsellor believes that someone may be physically harmed if relevant information is not disclosed to the relevant authorities. Clients need to know that helpers are ethically obliged to disclose threats of violence and abuse, and may even be called to testify in a court of law when such acts have taken place. ``Confidentiality is ... not cut and dried, but has many grey areas. We need to think critically about every situation before we take action'' (Grobler et al, 2003:118). Some of the important values associated with counselling, and more especially with the person-centred approach, have been discussed. I am sure that you have recognised that they are inter-related. These are meant to be professional values, but you may start to recognise that you cannot just switch them on and off when working with clients, as you would a water tap. No, these become internalised and reflect the helper's attitudes towards the whole of humankind.

ACTIVITY
Try to identify any value dilemmas that you might encounter when working with couples that have not been mentioned in this section. Record these in your learning journal. Make a point of raising these issues with other professionals who deal with couples. Ask them how they address these issues. Decide whether these professionals operate from a person-centred perspective or not. If you do not have any professionals you can consult, direct your queries to me at Unisa when you submit your next assignment, or send your query to my e-mail address as listed in the tutorial letter.

4.6.5 So what happens in couples counselling?

In couples counselling one operates from the assumption that a couple will present itself for help when the partners are stuck and cannot decide on how to proceed in their relationship. The most likely reasons for this are that each interprets their problem differently, and they are unwilling to modify their perceptions about what is making them unhappy. If they can be helped to develop a mutual understanding of their difficulties, or begin to see the situation from different angles, then they are more likely to discover the creative solutions that they need to be able to move forward. This does not necessarily imply that the couple should be helped to stay together. In instances where couples leave counselling until it is too late, by the time they present themselves for help they are both filled with so much hatred that they are capable of doing little else but injuring one another's self-respect. Remaining in a toxic environment can injure a

166 person psychologically. Separation or divorce may need to be considered to prevent the couple of doing further harm to one another. In some instances, couples fall out of love with each other, and even though there is not much acrimony, staying together may rob them both of personal happiness. The couple may wish to consider the costs and benefits of ending their relationship. The counsellor can be of assistance by helping these couples achieve such endings with minimum bitterness and maximum fairness. There are many theories outlining the process of couple counselling and for the purpose of this discussion I have based my ideas on the works of Brown and Brown (2002), Young and Long (1998), Muller (2002) and my years of practising as a marriage counsellor at the Family and Marriage Society of South Africa (FAMSA). You will see that I have adapted the five-part integrative model of Young and Long (1998) because the model is straightforward and well suited to novice helpers, offering a road map or guideline of how to proceed. The process is recorded as a sequential process, but the stages seldom unfold in a straightforward, linear fashion. Each of the stages will be elaborated upon in the next chapter. The integrative model draws together a variety of helping methodologies that share common theoretical factors. The integrative model is a useful way to guide novice counsellors when they begin to do couples counselling.

4.7 AN INTEGRATIVE MODEL FOR COUPLES COUNSELLING Introduction

In the previous theme several theoretical approaches were reviewed. Each had different proposals about how change occurs in couple relationships. In practice one is likely to note that practitioners are not true to one approach or therapy alone. Rather, they rely on a more comprehensive approach to helping that is both helper-centred and couple-centred. With great care the helper bases an intervention plan on an approach that will suit a particular couple, and at the same time allow him or her to remain true to his or her beliefs about helping. The common terms given to an approach based on the helper's selectiveness are an ``integrative'' or an ``eclectic`` approach to helping. According to the Universal English Dictionary (1961:350) eclectic means ``given to selecting, picking, and choosing, in matters of thought and taste, from various sources; not following exclusively a single school or authority.'' An integrative model does not, however, allow the helper to create a way of helping that resembles a fruit salad of interventions, each selected to satisfy a helper's every whim and fancy. Each technique should be chosen for its relevance for a particular couple and its empirical effectiveness and practicality with a specific client population. Furthermore, one would expect a professional helper to choose techniques that are consciously grounded within a certain framework of assumptions and values that facilitate a predictable professional process with couples. The approach should provide a coherent framework for synthesising key

167

MGG201W/1

concepts in an understandable and logical way. Instead of combining interventions and techniques in a haphazard fashion, a novice helper may benefit from the structure of an empirically based approach such as Egan's Problem-Management Approach, or the integrative model developed by Young and Long (1998).

ACTIVITY
You may find it interesting to read: Young, ME &, Long, LL. 1998. Chapter 4: An integrative model for couples therapy in Counselling and therapy for couples (pp 6679). Pacific Grove: Brooks/Cole Publishing.

4.7.1 Key concepts

. An integrative model extracts that which is useful for understanding and helping couples from different theoretical positions. It brings together ``what works'' into a coherent system. . The model places emphasis on a circular notion of causality. This has a direct influence when working with couples, because minimal attention is devoted to allocating blame to one partner for the couple's relationship difficulties. The helper assists the couple to recognise the ways in which their interactions impact on responses to one another . Assessment of the past and present are considered to be relevant when working with couples. Unless assessment is an ongoing process, the couple will not know what they should be working to change. The core business is to understand ``what is going on here''. . The couple is regarded as active co-therapists. The helper facilitates the process, paying careful attention to providing opportunities for the couple to discover their strengths and hidden resources, so as to strengthen their ability to deal with their situation. . During the process of counselling the couple are expected to reflect on their feelings and behaviours in detail. Each person's perception is regarded as essential to the helping process. . The problem is not considered to be that which was reported at intake. Instead the definition of the problem evolves through an interactive process, as counselling progresses. The couple's understanding of their difficulties is broadened and they are helped to develop new perspectives of what has happened in their relationship and how they want it to change. Each individual's definition of the problem ``coverted to a collective definition of the problem''. . Change should not be taken for granted. Once changes begin to happen, the couple should be assisted to maintain them. . The basic premise on which couples counselling rests is that there is hope that relationships can change, and that the helper will be an active agent of hope throughout counselling.

168 . There are five parts to the model: assessment; goal setting; intervention; maintenance; validation. You will notice in the next theme that I have introduced another stage, ``making contact with the helper'' because this is the point where the counselling process actually begins.

4.7.2 Common threads of theories for working with couples

The common conceptual elements and some of the terminology of couples counselling have been reviewed in the preceding sections. Young and Long (1998) propose a model for helping couples that blends several orientations that were discussed in the previous theme in a coherent way. They select eight theoretical ideas which they bring together to structure the couples counselling process. They consider these eight concepts to be the building blocks or elements of their integrative approach.

(a) A circular model of causation

The mutual causation of events is emphasised. Each individual influences and is influenced by another, in a circular way. This idea is consistent with systems thinking. The helper focuses on the couple's interactions, their actions and reactions to one another. All the beliefs, behaviours and feelings of each partner are regarded as interacting factors in their problem. An example Nomphumelelo goes to see a helper. She is depressed. Petros, her husband, is unemployed. He does not support the family. He spends time drinking with his friends at the shebeen. When Petros attends the counselling session, he explains that Nomphumelelo is very judgmental about him losing his job. She fails to see that he was retrenched rather than fired. As he does not have papers to prove that he is a qualified electrician, it is very difficult for him to find employment. He goes to the shebeen to escape from Nomphumelelo's nagging. Nomphumelelo is very tired. She works long hours and is seldom home. She does not get time to rest.

ACTIVITY
Pinpoint the beliefs, behaviours and feelings of each person that interact with each other to create the couple's problem.

FEEDBACK
Petros believes that the husband should be the breadwinner. He feels inadequate. He is lonely and seeks companionship from those who do not judge him. Nomphumelelo believes that people should be active. Drinking alcohol, according to her frame of reference is bad for one. She is judgmental towards

169

MGG201W/1

Petros and responds to him by nagging. Her depression is not only caused by her concern about Petros being unemployed, but also by her own overworking. One cannot label Petros or Nomphumelelo as the problem.

(b) Circular questioning

The helper gets the couple to explore the problem from a broader perspective than ``What or who caused the problem?''. The helper's objective is to assist the couple to develop a clearer picture of the circular causality of their problem situation. It is believed that if the couple are enabled to see the interactive nature of their problem situation, each person will start to accept responsibility for their role in the chain of events. Examples of circular questions ``Petros, tell me what happens when the argument becomes ugly and personal.'' ``Help me to understand who fights about what in the home.'' ``How do you think Petros sees the problem, Nomphumelelo?'' ``How do you think Nomphumelelo sees the problem, Petros?'' ``How do you think the children view the problem?'' ``When Nomphumelelo shouts at you when she has been told that you did not go to the building site to look for work, what do you do next?'' ``When Petros storms out to go to the shebeen, what do you do next?''

(c) Blame is not a useful concept

Each partner enters counselling with different, contradictory ideas about the problems in their relationship. These ideas tend to place the blame of the problem on to the other person: ``If only my husband would `' or ``If only my girlfriend would see that she has to change''. Blaming is a defence mechanism. It protects a person from feeling guilty and responsible for the problem situation. Young and Long (1998:68) remind us that blaming exacerbates the problem by creating a high degree of helplessness for the blamer. It robs the blamer of the realisation that he or she can play a proactive role in developing a solution to the problem. A primary goal in the helping process is to foster a sense of mutual responsibility for the problem and mutual contributions to the solution. By defining the problem interactionally, the helper empowers the couple to resolve their problems.

Example
The helper fails to accept Nomphumelelo's definition of the problem, the one that Petros is not taking his joblessness seriously. Nor does she accept Petros's definition of the problem, which is that Nomphumelelo is unsupportive and nags. After listening to each describe their experiences, the helper summarises their story. She identifies the mutual issues. Both partners share the same concern, the unemployment situation. Both

170 clearly love one another but have not pulled together to develop a common strategy to deal with the changed circumstances that have been brought about by Petros's joblessness. Petros wants to feel Nomphumelelo's support and acceptance, and Nomphumelelo wants Petros's reassurance that he will develop a plan to secure employment in the future.

(d) The helper's neutrality

The helper adopts a nonjudgmental view of the problem, as advocated in the Milan approach in family therapy. The helper remains objective and retains a neutral stance towards both partners. Instead of collaborating and colluding with one partner, his or her emphasis is on helping the couple develop an objective, interactional view of the problem. The helper gently urges the couple to work together to find creative ways to resolve their problem. She is cautious not to take sides, and avoids developing an alliance with one of the partners at all costs. There are some situations, however, where the helper does not express neutrality: those involving domestic violence or bullying behaviour. A helper is not expected to remain neutral against damaging behaviour that is perpetuated by one partner against the other. In these situations the helper has to take a stand to deal with the damaging behaviour first, before the relationship building work with the couple can begin.

Example
The helper makes a point of allowing Petros and Nomphumelelo equal amounts of time to tell their stories. She makes sure that both perceive her as equally attentive to each of them. She uses her posture by leaning slightly towards the speaker and alternates this as the speaker changes. Her nonverbals are directed at both parties and she uses her attending behaviours to let them know that she is following their respective stories. She chooses to sit opposite them, making sure that she is an equal distance away from both partners. When Petros speaks, she focuses her attention on him and when Nomphumelelo speaks, she focuses her attention on her. She chooses her language carefully so that neither party feels that she has become their ally. Statements which suggest that the helper has more in common with one partner than the other, such as, ``As women, we tend to ...'' must be avoided.

ACTIVITY
Make a list of things that you would do as a helper to demonstrate your neutrality.

(e) Assessment is a crucial first activity

The helper carefully assists the couple to develop a comprehensive understanding of their relationship before intervening. This involves:

171

MGG201W/1

(1) obtaining a statement of the problem from each person, (2) encouraging the couple to examine the family influences that impact on their relationship with one another, (3) exploring the couple's experience of the development stage in their current family life cycle stage, (4) reviewing their previous attempts at managing their problems. Psychodynamic approaches guide the helper to assist the couple to trace the influence that their past relationships have had on their interactions with each other. Helping them to construct a genogram may bring these observations to the fore. You will get an opportunity to practise using a genogram in the next theme of this guide. Brief therapy (we have not reviewed these approaches to helping in this guide) emphasises the examination of the couple's previous efforts of coping, managing their problem situation. If they have developed coping strategies in the past, the chances are that three things will happen. Firstly, the coping strategies that they used may be used again. Secondly, identifying them helps to empower the couple because they realise that they are competent and capable of resolving their problems without therapeutic intervention. Thirdly, dwelling on past successes restores hope and creates optimism for the future. The strategic and cognitive behavioural therapies are preoccupied with identifying problem-maintaining behaviours. Both recognise that problems actually serve a function in the relationship. The helper encourages the couple to trace the present patterns which influence the development of their problems.

Example
The helper encourages each partner to explain why they have come for counselling. After summarising each perspective, she requests that they provide a brief description of their courtship, the events that impacted on their relationship over the years and some of the highs and lows in their relationship. Each person is encouraged to describe their families of origin and experiences of growing up in those families. The helper may help the family to compile a genogram. If the helper and couple have not developed a clear understanding of the relationship problem at that stage, the helper may suggest that the couple complete a standardised assessment tool, such as the Spanier Dyadic Adjustment Scale. In this case the helper learns that Nomphumelelo grew up in a household where her father was an alcoholic and was often unemployed. Nomphumelelo responds to Petros as if he is an alcoholic, even though there is evidence that he is not. Petros grew up in a family where men were expected to deal with their problems on their own. When troubled as a young man, he was told by his father to keep his troubles to himself and act as if there was no problem, because men must be strong. The couple saw clearly that they were both dealing with their present problems based on their past experiences. During the first two sessions

172 the couple realised that they had shared many positive times together and even managed to transcend other crises in their relationship, such as the loss of a child five years previously.

(f) The couple must form a team

Instead of allowing the couple to blame one another, the helper enlists their support to work together to control the problem. This implies engaging them as a team to manage and control the problem, which as the helper reminds the couple is located outside themselves. It is something that can be seen, monitored, labelled and therefore is considered to be an external influence on the relationship. The couple are expected to combine forces against the external problem. The narrative approach (not dealt with in this guide) engages the couple to externalise their problems. ``Externalising means that the partners learn to attack the problem together, rather than looking for the flaw in the other person. In this sense, externalising can be seen as an outgrowth of non-blaming circular thinking'' (White and Epstein, quoted in Young and Long, 1998:69). In order to assist the couple to work as a team the helper encourages each person to recognise the good intentions that motivated the partner's behavioural responses in the situations chosen for discussion. Structural therapists often referred to this as ``positive connotation'' or ``reframing''. This technique helps the couple to see their differences as potential synergy, with each placing less emphasis of the effects that the partner's actions has on them, and more on the intended functions of their behaviours. For example, the workaholic is seen as being preoccupied with the financial wellbeing of the family, the overly strict parent as being loving and protective of the child, the jealous person as hyper vigilant in an attempt to prevent losing a loved one. The couple are helped to see that the differences in their abilities and personalities are strengths in their relationship. They set about pooling their varied resources to solve their problem.

Example
Nomphumelelo discovers that she is more expressive than Petros, and Petros recognises that he avoids conflict. Nomphumelelo's `'nagging'' is not intended to make Petros feel inadequate or inferior, but is her attempt to be proactive in her fight against the problem. She does not want them to perceive as normal the loss of the extra income in the family. Petros does not want to burden his wife with his fears and feelings of inadequacy. He prefers to remain calm by removing himself from the conflict. They both label their problem ``the great escape''. Together they work on strategies to prevent Petros from escaping into his own world, where Nomphumelelo feels excluded. He recognises that if he can provide her with detail about the actions he intends to take, or make her aware of his feelings of being undermined when she minimises his efforts to find employment, she will realise that he is not intending to escape.

173

MGG201W/1

Nomphumelelo will be alerted to the need for her to play a more supportive role. Nomphumelelo realises that she must avoid becoming a punitive gaoler because that drives Petros to escape. They decide that they need to work together to fight ``the great escape''.

(g) Both feelings and behaviours need to be changed

Change is the fundamental goal in any therapy, irrespective of what therapeutic approach one adopts. The helper sets out to assist the couple to find ways to interrupt their unhelpful interactional patterns and manage their environmental stressors differently, so that these stressors cease to threaten their relationship. Some therapies believe that change starts with insight, such as the person-centred approach, or the psychodynamic approaches. Other approaches focus more specifically on changing the behavioural problems that the couple presents with at the outset of counselling. These approaches would be the cognitive behavioural approach, brief therapy and strategic therapy. The influences of the behavioural problems on the relationship are carefully considered and new desired behaviours are contemplated. The couple attempts to change some of the unhelpful behaviours that they direct at one another and replace them with relationship enhancing behaviours. In addition to behavioural change, therapy is also intended to bring about affective change. The couple should feel more relieved, more relaxed, and happier in their relationship with one another. Any helper wants couples to achieve more intimacy, enjoy more companionship, develop a greater sense of belonging and experience more respect after counselling. Although these may be considered the ``intangibles'' of couplehood, couples therapy is not complete until these positive feelings have returned.

Example
Nomphumelelo and Petros recognise that they need to internalise better conflict management techniques. They realise that with time, they have fallen out of the habit of engaging in activities that help to strengthen their relationship, such as sharing enjoyable leisure time activities together, sharing chores, setting time to talk to one another. These activities will help them to reduce some of their negativity towards one another. Nomphumelelo needs to have time to pursue her church work and since Petros is not working, he can help her by assuming responsibility for a few of her chores. He enjoys cooking and this will allow her more time for herself. Petros needs adult stimulation and male company too. As he is not an alcoholic and is not spending the family money on alcohol, his visits to the shebeen should not threaten their relationship. The visits will be managed differently by his setting a timelimit for these visits, informing Nomphumelelo of his intention to go to the shebeen, and stipulating an approximate time for his return. Careful attention is given to developing a plan for Petros to address the unemployment issue. He is referred to the Corobrik building school where he can learn basic bricklaying skills, and he decides to visit the

174 Department of Manpower to find out how he can be credited for his prior learning as an electrician. He asks around and finds out about the day labourer sites where he may secure temporary work in the meantime. Remembering the good times, and hearing each partner acknowledge the other's good points, reminds Petros and Nomphumelelo why they married each other in the first place. Working together on managing the stress in the relationship makes them feel closer, and on the same side.

(h) Couples must learn maintenance tasks

Behaviourists emphasise that old behaviour patterns are more entrenched than newly learned behaviours. Change is not a straightforward process. It is a staggered process marked by a few setbacks. The couple are prepared to expect that the initial feeling of well-being will be challenged by the first argument they have. The helper encourages the couple to be more realistic about progress and not overreact to minor setbacks. The couple are urged to persist in working towards the goals that they have set, and to develop contingency plans for setbacks. It has been said that it takes at least three months for new behaviour to become entrenched, and this is a nice tangible goal for a person to set for themselves. ``I am going to persist with this new behaviour for three months until it becomes second nature!'' is a useful way of tackling change because it often takes time before the benefits of change are truly acknowledged. We like to hold on to old familiar patterns, even if they are not all that pleasant, because we know them and have come accustomed to dealing with them. Change is threatening and new, and we fight against it for as long as we can. Cognitive therapy cautions couples against ``black and white'' and ``all or nothing'' thinking, as this form of rigidity prevents couples from recognising the progress that they make.

Example
When Nomphumelelo and Petros report at one of their later sessions that they have been fighting again, the helper normalises this. The fights are all reconstructed so that the couple can plot the struggle that each is having between their old unhelpful behavioural responses that are reactive, and the planned behavioural changes that are proactive. It may be necessary for some of the goals to be simplified or modified in light of the feedback that they give. It may also become apparent that the initial assessment of the problem was not that accurate and now, with more information available, it needs to be adjusted. This implies that the goals will also have to be modified accordingly. The helper allocates time in each session for the couple to review some of the positive changes that have occurred. Their efforts are positively reinforced and the helper encourages each to provide their partner with positive feedback. This positive talk reduces some tension and encourages them further.

(i) Couples must develop solvable problems

The integrative model assumes that the couple comes to counselling with

175

MGG201W/1

a perspective or construction about their relationship and their problems. The helper's role is to assist the couple to develop a deeper understanding of the problem. Young and Long (1998) refer to this as a more interactive definition of the problem. This is where they recognise that their relationship will only change if they combine their energies to fight their problem, rather than fighting each other. The helper facilitates a process that enables them to see that the problem is external to themselves, one that requires their joint attack on it. The couple construct manageable and yet challenging goals. Even setting the goals brings some relief, as the couple develop a sense that the problem has been identified and mapped into manageable pieces. The couple's solutions will be unique and the helper selects a variety of techniques and methods specifically suited to each couple.

(j) The helper fosters hope

Each therapeutic approach recognises the healing properties of imparting genuine hope. By the time a couple reaches therapy they are thoroughly demoralised, and their appraisal of the relationship is problem saturated. The helper enables them to construct a different perspective of their relationship. Careful attention is given to enabling the couple to see their individual and couple strengths, identify the resources that are available to them, and recognise the complementarity of their relationship or their potential synergy. The changes that they make indicate that they are moving in the right direction, and this is highlighted. Positive feedback energises them and offers hope. For feedback to be beneficial, it has to be honest, sincere, accurate and timely. It should never seem to be patronising. The next theme of the guide, theme five, will provide a more detailed description of the application of this integrative model.

SUMMARY
Couples counselling is becoming a more popular service that attempts to address the gaps created by traditional institutions whose success in having a strong and positive influence on family life, as they once did, is waning. This theme outlined and described the various services offered to couples on the professional couples counselling continuum. Each service was defined and explained. Marriage guidance is the broad term used to describe the preventive efforts available to assist couples to strengthen their relationships before they become dysfunctional. By offering psychoeducational interventions to premarital couples and married couples, it is hoped that they will enjoy stronger, more fulfilling couple relationships. Premarital counselling is directed at couples who plan to commit to marriage. Marriage enrichment is directed at couples who are happy to be married but wish to enrich their relationship even further. Couples counselling is directed at couples who are experiencing difficulties in their long term relationships. The couples counsellor helps the couple to develop an interactional definition of their problem and

176 facilitates a process where the couple formulates goals that will enhance their relationship. Divorce counselling is offered to a person (or each member of a couple) whose relationship has ended, and who needs assistance and support as he or she comes to terms with the losses associated with starting life over as a single person. Divorce mediation is a structured process that assists couples who are divorcing to decide how to divide and reassemble their families and assets again. An integrative couples counsellor strives to assist couples to increase their levels of insight regarding their relationship, challenge the unrealistic expectations that they have about their relationships, increase the reciprocal reinforcers within their relationships, and acquire new skills that will enable them to manage their relationships more successfully. In order to achieve this, the quality of the helping alliance that is created by the helper is of vital importance. The helper's high levels of unconditional positive regard demonstrate to both partners his or her empathic understanding and sincerity and help the couple to experience what it is like to be open and sincere. This encourages them to lower their defences to a point where they are able to identify what the real issues are in their relationship; then their relationship with one another becomes better symbolised. Counselling is a professional service that is regulated by a set of professional values. The values of respect, individualisation, confidentiality and self-determination are regarded as significant, even though their application to working with couples and families becomes more challenging than when applied to individual counselling. We looked at the purposes of couples counselling. For the most part, couples counsellors do not draw from a single theory or approach. They create an eclectic or integrated approach to helping by synthesising, in an organised and systematic way, different concepts from different approaches to helping. The blending of the theoretical constructs is based on training, the helper's personality or the couple who present for counselling. Research continues to indicate that the effectiveness of therapeutic outcomes is not limited to a specific model but is based instead on the use of specific skills with specific problems. The eight general concepts adopted by the integrative model proposed by Young and Long (1998) were reviewed.

177

MGG201W/1

THEME FIVE

The counselling process

OBJECTIVES Upon completion of this chapter, you will be able to: . identify the different stages and purposes of each of the stages of the counselling process: making contact with the helper assessment goal setting intervention maintenance validation

. be familiar with questions useful for assessing the couple's relationship . understand how and when to use the Marital Happiness Scale . be able to compile a genogram of your own family . recognise the characteristics of good goals for couples . list and describe several intervention techniques that can be useful for working with couples

INTRODUCTION
This theme expands on the actual process of counselling and the changes in the levels of intensity in the relationship between the helper and the couple during the time they are together. The stages are based on an integrative model developed by Young and Long (1998). Suggestions are made regarding suitable interventions, or tools, that can be used during each stage. I have decided to include an extra stage, to discuss what happens when the couple first make contact with the service provider. The modified process contains the following stages: making contact with the helper; assessment; goal setting; intervention; maintenance; validation. The stages are represented as sequential, but in reality the helper and couple might move backwards and forwards, because assessment is an ongoing process. As one learns more about the couple's relationship, one adjusts the goals and interventions. At the centre of the model is the couple's changing view of the problem. The helper assists the couple to

178 develop a shared interactive definition of their problem and find solutions that involve both parties interacting with each other in more effective ways.
THE INTEGRATIVE MODEL OF COUPLES COUNSELLING
1. Assessment 1. Understand each member's viewpoint 2. Gather information 3. Create an interactive definition

L
5. Validation 1. Celebrate success 2. Bilod in follow-up strategies Evolving Definition of the Problem 2. Goal Setting 1. Externalize problem 2. Set behavioral and affective goals

4. Maintenance 1. Challenge commitment 2. Identify roadblocks

3. Interventions 1. Assess each member's strengths 2. Design interventions

Source: From Young, M and Long, L. 1998. Counselling and therapy for couples, p 114. Brooks/Cole.

5.1 STAGE ONE: MAKING CONTACT WITH THE HELPER

``Joining is a term that describes making contact with both members and communicating support for the couple as clients'' (Young & Long, 1998:98). This starts with the very first contact the couple make, even at the point when one partner telephones to enquire about the available services, or makes an appointment. It continues through to the point where the helper meets the couple in the waiting room and introduces himself or herself. Joining proceeds throughout the counselling process as at each session the couple needs to sense that the helper is truly available for them. Any exchange of information between the helper and the couple should be regarded as significant. Each piece of information collected assists the helper and the clients to develop a clearer understanding of what is happening and what changes they expect during the counselling process. The initial contact, be it telephonic or the completion of an intake form, affords the helper and the couple an opportunity to develop a sense of what it is that they are going to be involved in. The helper may be given some information about why the couple are seeking assistance, and can

179

MGG201W/1

use the information as a starting point to develop possible reasons why the couple have decided to ask for help at this stage. The person making the appointment learns basic information about the helping process. That person has the benefit of being able to develop some perception of what the helper is like. Because the helper is more likely to speak to only one partner before the initial session, he or she is obliged to remain neutral and should avoid taking a stand on any issues mentioned in the contact call, at least until the initial interview. After the formal introductions at the first interview, the couple are invited to sit anywhere they choose in the helper's office. So as to create a relaxed, nonthreatening atmosphere, a brief social dialogue may follow about the couple's trip to the office, the weather, or any other small talk. This chitchat deals with nonthreatening issues, before the emotive issues that led up to the appointment being made can be addressed. It is an important part of the joining process. At the outset of the initial interview the counsellor collects basic information about names, addresses and contact numbers, and details of significant others who are in regular contact with one or both partners. The source of referral may provide valuable clues such as, ``What previous attempts have the couple made to resolve their problems?'', ``Who has been involved in trying to assist them?'', ``What level of influence the referral source has had on the persons involved?'' Naturally, the helper has to establish whether the couple has had previous counselling before, with whom, to what effect, and whether counselling was undertaken individually, or as a couple. This information helps the practitioner to plan appropriate interventions and determine the extent to which the couple will follow through on what is discussed. The couple needs to know that, in terms of professional ethics, the helper will not be allowed to counsel couples who have not terminated their sessions with other professionals involved, unless the referral was made by that professional. In this case, the referring professional will need to receive some feedback about the outcome of counselling during the course of therapy. Information such as dates of birth, names and ages of children, other people living in the home, levels of education, occupations, health conditions, religious affiliation and income assist the helper to develop a broad understanding of the context that the couple find themselves in, without appearing to be too personal too soon. By identifying which developmental stage the family appears to be in, the helper develops a very tentative hypothesis about the nature of the difficulties that the couple may be experiencing. Brown and Brown (2002:76) suggest that there is merit in establishing each person's attitude towards counselling. Finding out ``who made the appointment and why'' may add a new dimension to the helper's understanding of what is really going on. The person who initiates the contact is usually the person who is more dissatisfied in the relationship. Yet in other instances, the person who makes the appointment is forced to

180 do so by a partner threatening separation or divorce. The counsellor may wish to find out whether both partners are attending counselling voluntarily, or if counselling has been prescribed by a court of law (as part of the conditions of a suspended sentence). The limits of confidentiality must be spelt out if the legal system has been involved because of the possibility that the courts will required the case notes or a report. One provides the couple with information about the helping process as early as possible so that a comfortable situation is created with clear expectations. This allows the helper to enjoy the cooperation of the couple during the counselling process. For this reason the following counselling conditions should be explained to them: . Couples need to know a little information about the helper that is pertinent to the helping process, such as the training the helper has received, the theoretical orientation preferred, and any specific fields of interest in couple counselling held by the counsellor. . Couples need to be told in advance whether there will be individual, conjoint or group sessions, or a combination of these. . The counsellor needs to make sure that the couple understand the fee structure. Should there be a separate fee structure for counselling, evaluations, progress reports for court, or court reports, the couple should be told of this early in the helping alliance. . The ``rules'' about cancelling appointments, making contacts between counselling sessions and payment of fees must be clarified. . The couple need to know what they can expect in terms of a counselling session, how long each session lasts and approximately how many sessions will be involved. . The rules regarding confidentiality and the court's access to counselling records in event of a legal case need to be spelt out. . The couple need to be told whom they should contact in an emergency the counsellor directly or a crisis counselling service. . If the counsellor plans to make an electronic recording of any session, the couple should sign a letter of consent giving permission for the counsellor to do so. . If the helper needs to obtain information from any other professional who has been involved in the case, both parties need to sign a letter of consent that gives permission for the person to release the necessary information to the helper.

5.2 STAGE 2: ASSESSMENT ``WE HAVE A PROBLEM''

This section refers to the formal and informal parts of assessment, and contains information about the use of questioning, the genogram, structured relationship satisfaction scales and personal observation as tools to deepen the therapeutic team's (the couple's and the helper's) understanding of ``what is really going on''. Assessment should ensure that the helper imparts hope to the couple and helps them to mine for their strengths, unused resources and opportunities.

181

MGG201W/1

During this stage the sessions become more intense. The couple explains to the helper why they have sought counselling. Emotions run high as the parties involved communicate their problem-saturated story. It is important for the counsellor to allow the couple to decide upon the topics of discussion. The counsellor's responsibility is to use his or her training to facilitate the process so that the couple get to think differently about themselves and their situation. The purpose is not to guide or instruct them, but rather, to facilitate a process that enables them to deal with their problems more constructively. The helper acquires a comprehensive understanding of each person in the relationship, their relationship together, and the issues that contributed to their seeking assistance. Integrative counsellors explore the origin of some of the couple's ideas and the ways these impact on both parties. This shifts the couple from having individualised, polarised definitions of the problem to achieving what Young and Long (1998:72) refer to as ``an interactive definition of the problem''. The significance of this interactive definition is that it symbolises the couple's shift from blaming individual partners for relationship difficulties. Instead, the couple moves to a point where they recognise that their difficulties have arisen because of their interactions with one another. Their responses to each other are viewed as their attempts to have some of their needs fulfilled within their relationship. The three steps characteristic of this phase, according to Young and Long (1998), are: Step 1: Obtain each person's individual and unique definition of the problem. Step 2: Gather historical information and information of any current behaviours and feelings associated with the problem. Step 3: Create a shared, interactive definition of the problem, based on the information the partners have provided from their personal perspectives and any other assessment procedures that have been used. Assessment is a lengthy process and includes formal and informal periods. Each tool that is used to facilitate this process, be they questions the helper asks the couple, a structured assessment tool such as the Marital Rating Scale or a genogram, serves to offer the couple a clearer understanding of the relationship difficulties that they are experiencing. The couple begin to view their emotional perspectives from new angles. The clearer their conceptualisation becomes of what is going on in their relationship, the more likely they are to find mutually satisfying outcomes in counselling. Before the couple decide what it is that they want to change about their relationship, they have to assist the helper to develop a clear description of the issues or concerns that led up to their making contact. Time is allocated to finding out about the history of each person, the development of their relationship and how each person has experienced the relation-

182 ship so far. In order to remain as neutral as possible, the helper encourages each person to share his or her understanding of the problem without interruption. The helper guides the couple to elaborate on the origins of their attitudes and ideas about relationships, and the influence that these perceptions have had on their behaviour towards one another and on the relationship as a whole.

5.2.1 Assessment tools 5.2.1.1 Questions

Much has been written about the use of questions in couples counselling. This is probably because questions play an invaluable role in assisting the couple to talk about their concerns in a different way. The questions lead each person to discover revelations about one another and their relationship, rather than serving to assemble content related data. Naturally, the kinds of questions that the counsellor asks are dependent upon the quality of the helping relationship and the therapeutic approach that the helper adopts. The helper's purpose in choosing specific questions is to minimise the couple's resistance and limit the uncontrolled expression of negative feelings. Both of these interfere with the couple's development of an objective appraisal of their situation. Questions should allow the couple to feel comfortable, and yet not so comfortable that they fail to be challenged to develop new perspectives on their situation. The couple needs to be assured that their concerns are valid. The answers should lead to a change in the unhelpful perspectives about the problems. Questioning is an extremely broad area in couples counselling, and those who are interested in entering this field are urged to pursue further study to sharpen their understanding of how this skill can be used to maximise the helping process. For the purpose of this elementary course, I would suggest that the learner consider the five main functions of asking questions according to my frame of reference. Questions are asked firstly, to develop an understanding of why the couple have come for counselling; secondly, to obtain a developmental history of the relationship; thirdly, to operationalise the couple's definition of the problem; fourthly, to present the couple with an alternative way of understanding of their problem; and finally, to help them to keep track of the strengths that they have successfully used in managing their situation well until the present.

(a) Starting a dialogue about the problem

To begin a dialogue about a problem with a couple, Brown and Brown (2002:86) propose that the following questions be asked: . What brings you here? . What would be useful for us to discuss?

183

MGG201W/1

. Who first noticed the problem and how long ago? . What led either of you to conclude that this was a problem? . Who else (inside or outside the family) has had an opinion about the problem? . Have you or anyone else thought of any other possibilities as to what the problem might be? . What will happen if things do not change? The role of the helper in this first phase of questioning is very specific. The helper demonstrates active listening, accepts each person's description of the problem without interruption or advice, and validates each person's contribution to the development of a preliminary understanding of what is happening in their relationship.

(b) Collecting information about the developmental history of the relationship

The most common discussion points in this category are: . . . . . . . . . . . Tell me a little about how you both met. Describe some of the highs and lows of your courtship. How did your families experience your relationship? What lessons did you learn about each other early in your relationship? What attracted you most to your partner when you first met? What was your life like before you became involved with one another? What were the similarities and differences of cultures and how did these impact on your relationship? How has your relationship changed over time? How did you handle conflict in the early years of your marriage? How do you handle conflict now? How well do you deal with your partner's relationships with his or her family of origin?

(c) Developing an operationalised definition of the problem

Both parties need to be helped to describe their problems in concrete terms. In other words statements such as ``There is no love left in our marriage'', ``The communication has broken down in our relationship'', ``He doesn't fulfil my needs'' tell us very little about what each party feels about their situation. Each of these statements means something different to different people. As a way of shifting the couple to develop a common operationalised definition of the problem, several questions may need to be asked to achieve the required clarity. Hanna and Brown in Brown and Brown (2002:87) suggest the following to help clarify the couple's problem: . What do you mean by ...................................... ? . Give me some examples of ............................................................. .

184 . . . . Describe a situation when you ....................................................... . How does this affect you now ......................................................... ? How does ............................................... affect you? Tell me the last time that ................................................ happened.

(d) Developing an alternative meaning of what is really going on

There are different types of questions useful in couple counselling. Each has a slightly different purpose or intent. Tomm (1984), a family therapist following the Milan approach, identified four different kinds of questions. They are problem definition questions, sequence of interaction questions, comparison and classification questions, and intervening questions.

Problem definition questions

The early stage of counselling is characterised by the use of problem definition questions. The purpose of using these questions is to obtain detail about each person's individual perspective of the problem. Young and Long (1998:106) refer to the work of Nelson, Fleuridas and Rosenthal, who suggest that these questions explore the present: ``What is happening to your relationship now?'', the past: ``When did you notice this problem first occurring?'', and the future: ``How do you foresee your life if you don't find a solution to your problem?'' Problem definition questions collect information about the problem, the environmental influences on the problem, and the coping strategies that the couple used when the relationship was going well. According to Jones (1993:97) the purposes of these types of questions are to make explicit that which, until that point, has only be implied, or been implicit or latent, and to link aspects of behaviour that have not been connected before. This form of questioning deepens meaning or connectedness. The questions enable the couple to see their difficulties from new perspectives.

Examples of problem definition questions

``How do you know you are unhappy?'' ``What exactly has changed in your relationship?'' ``What happened to make things change?'' ``How were things affected by Harvey's heart attack?'' ``How will things look when the problem is resolved?'' ``Who else will be affected in the future if you are unable to sort this problem out?''

Sequence of interaction questions

These questions assist the helper to track the events that precede and follow the couple's behaviours, and the manner in which each person reacts to the other in their relationship. The helper and couple track the development of symptoms over time and the couple's attempts to deal

185

MGG201W/1

with these symptoms. This alerts the couple to the circular nature of events. Each person develops a more enlightened understanding regarding his or her role in the development of the problem or concern. The helper explores the linkages between the specific actions of members and the spontaneous responses from others. One explores these behavioural connections until patterns or sequences become apparent. Examples of these questions are: ``Who breaks the silence after an argument?'' ``When Khubeka breaks the silence, how do you respond, Vukhile?'', ``What does Vukhile do when you go off to your mother, Khubeka?'' There is little focus on the collection of general information related to the history of the problem. Instead more emphasis is placed on the interactional pattern or interrelated responses between the two individuals. These questions find out who does what in response to the symptoms.

Comparison and classification questions

These questions are useful for defining each person's understanding of the intensity and duration of the problem. The helper asks questions that explore the differences between persons, relationship intensity, ideas, values, perceptions, beliefs, the past and the future. Questions such as ``When Koovendri has smacked the children, who seems to be more upset, Koovendri or Saaiuran?'', ``When Koovendri withdraws from the family, who does it affect the most?'', ``How much of the time do you feel you are heard by your partner?'', ``Who is more affected by the conflict at present?'', ``How long have you felt that things were just not right between you?'', ``What were things like before Saaiuran lost his job?'', ``If Koovendri decides to take the job offered by her brother, how do you think things will be between you?'' may provide clues about beliefs, values, myths, thoughts and feelings held by the couple, according to Nelson, Fleuridas and Rosenthal, in Young and Long (1998:107).

Intervening questions
These questions are powerful because they help to reframe the couple's problem in a different way. The couple are made to consider alternative interpretations to the persecuted saturated ones that they have developed about the problems in their relationship. For example, ``What if Lionel's reluctance to dance was because of his lack of experience, rather than just his attempt to spoil your fun at a party?'' or ``Could there be a chance that Marietjie was trying to save money by not replacing the television immediately, instead of trying to stop you from watching the soccer World Cup?'' These questions provide different perspectives to the persecuted ones that the individuals developed with time. The couple focus on positive connotations of their behaviour, and reframe their situation.

186

(e) Developing an appraisal of the couple's strengths

Young and Long (1998) talk about identifying relationship strengths of the couple in the third stage of counselling, interventions, but I choose to lead the couple to this point earlier on, within the assessment phase. Often by enabling the couple to focus on the strengths of their relationship, some of the tension of talking about their problems is dissipated. It is useful to move the couple to a point of hope and optimism as early as possible. The reminder that there are good aspects of the relationship helps the couple to be more objective and less negative towards each other. Exploring what has kept the couple together may uncover stories from the past and present about attachment, love, nurturing and intimacy. One wants the couple to discover that they have been successful in mastering difficult situations in their past, and that the lessons learned in those situations can be reused to help them to adjust to their current stressors. Here are a few questions that can assist the helper and couple to get in touch with some of the relationship strengths that the couple may have forgotten about: . Can you think of a time when you felt positively towards your partner? What was different then? . Can you think of another time your relationship reached a low? How did you manage to get your relationship back on track? . If you were told that your relationship had to be ended right now, what would you miss about your partner? . If your partner was a second hand car that you wanted to sell in the classified advertisements in the local newspaper, how would you describe or him or her in that advertisement?

5.2.1.2 Assessment aids

There are many tools that helpers can use to facilitate the counselling process. These tools should not be used on their own, but should serve as aids, firstly to retain the couple's interest during counselling process, and secondly to increase their participation in developing a greater awareness of the significant issues that impact on their relationship. The focus should always be on the couple, their experiences, behaviour, feelings and needs, and these aids should be regarded as possible vehicles through which assessment can be deepened (Van Biljon, 1998)

(a) The genogram

The genogram is a diagrammatic drawing of the couple's family tree. It highlights important information about the family history and patterns, the basic structure, family demographics, functioning, relationships, partner experiences and expectations through time (Carter & McGoldrick, 1989; Brown & Brown, 2002; Young & Long, 1998). It is a useful tool to use when evaluating a couple's place in the family life cycle because it

187

MGG201W/1

provides a three-generational picture of a family at a glance (Carter & McGoldrick, 1989:164). Valuable information such as the names and ages of the different family members, dates of marriages, death, divorce, adoption, and places of residence are easily consolidated onto a single sheet of paper. Different symbols are used to represent gender, quality of relationships, and the nature of relationships. Women are symbolised by circles and men by squares. Vertical lines connect the different generations and horizontal lines are used for siblings, marriages and dates. The helper draws the genogram on a big sheet of paper on a table or a flip chart, while the couple provides the necessary information. Young and Long (1998:101) suggest that the helper questions each partner separately about his or her family of origin, and then invites the other partner to make relevant comments about the partner's family. Once the genogram has been compiled, a period of discussion and questioning follows. The similarities and differences in the families of origin are explored and tracked in terms of how this impact on their current expectations and rules in their relationship. The couple trace the connection between the relationships of their parents with their own relationship to each other. They may begin to see where their concerns fit into the larger context of their pasts (Brown & Brown 2002:93). Young and Long (1998:111) say, ``When working with couples, the most important thrust of the genogram work is to identify how two histories affect the expectations and rules that each member brings to the current relationship''. Genogram Format A. Symbols to describe basic family membership and structure (include on genogram significant others who lived with or cared for family members place them on the right side of the genogram with a notation about who they are).
4375 male Index Person (IP): Marriage (give date) (Husband on left, wife on right): Marital Separation (give date): female birth date death X death date

m.60 s 70

Living together Relationship of liaison: Divorce (give date):

72 d 72

Children: List in birth order, beginning with oldest on left 60 62 65

Adopted or foster children

188
Fraternal twins Identical twins Pregnancy

Spontaneous abortion

Induced abortion

Stillbirth

Circle members of current IP households When changes in custody have occurred, please note

(Carter & McGoldrick 1989:165166

GENOGRAM FORMAT (continued) B. Family interaction patterns. The following symbols are optional. The clinician may prefer to note them on a separate sheet. They are among the least precise information on the genogram, but may be key indicators of relationship patterns the clinician wants to remember: Very close relationship Distant relationship Conflictual relationship Estrangement or cutoff (give dates if possible): Fused and conflictual C. Medical history. Since the genogram is meant to be an orienting map of the family, there is room to indiate only the most important factors. Thus, list only major or chronic illnesses and problems. Use DSM-III categories or recognized abbreviations where available (e.g. cancer CA; stroke CVA). D. Other family information of special importance may also be noted on the genogram: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. Ethnic background and migration date Religion or religious change Education Occupation or unemployment Military service Retirement Trouble with law Physical abuse or incest Obesity Alcohol or drug abuse (symbol = Smoking

189 12. Dates family members left home: LH `74 13 Current location of family members

MGG201W/1

It is useful to have a space at the bottom of the genogram for notes on other key information: This would include critical events, changed in the family structure since the genogram was made, hypotheses, and other notation of major family issues or changes. These notations should always be dated, and should be kept to a minimum, since every extra piece of information on a genogram complicates it and therefore diminishes its readability.
(Carter & McGoldrick 1989:165166) Source: Carter E and McGoldrick M. 1989. Changing family life cycle: a frame work for family therapy. 2nd ed. Allyn and Bacon, pp 165166.

EXAMPLE OF A GENOGRAM Nuclear family

6/2/54

43

40

20

17

17

Extended genogram
m.1976 m. 1955 div. 1970 m. 6/72

44

42

45

33

21

m. 1975

20

16

10

Source: Manual for practical work: MWK202-B (MPA200-M). 1998. Unisa, pp 5051.

190 The genogram has many uses in the assessment phase, as summarised by Young and Long (1998, 112114). They are: . To monitor the strengths of relationships with other family members, besides the partner. Lines are used to depict the different types of relationships (distant, close or conflictual). Close ties within one partner's family, in contrast to the other partner's disengaged relationships with the family of origin, illustrate the partners' different expectations about the role that the families of origin should play in their lives. . To understand the couple's history of significant relationships. Information about marriages, separations and cohabitations often reveal a person's previous experiences that continue to affect the present. . To identify family histories of significant health issues or mental disorders and disturbances. Information about alcohol and chemical abuse, and diseases such as diabetes or hypertension, and mental disorders, such as bipolar mood disorder or schizophrenia, suggest some of the tensions that the couple may have faced in their families of origin. This alerts one to the possibility of hereditary disorders that may be prevented through early detection or screening. . To point out gender role expectations that may be handed down by the family of origin, such as that women are expected to stay at home during the children's early childhood, or that men should be the main income earners in a family. . To understand the influence that birth order and sibling relationships have had on each partner. For example, in the marriage between an only child and the youngest of six children, they might find that their experiences and expectations of personal space and private property are very different. . Understanding cultural and ethnic influences. The couple may be helped to talk about the differences or similarities of their ethnic backgrounds and the extent to which these provide discord or satisfaction. . To trace specific problem issues through the family or couple history. Issues such as differing values about work, preferences for careers, sexual values, legal difficulties and values about money might be handed down vertically. . To examine the influence of traumatic events on the couple. Stillborn children, infertility, adoptions, infant deaths, deaths of adults, divorce, immigration and many more crises will be recorded on a genogram. The couple are given an opportunity to explore the impact these situations have had on them as individuals, as well as on their relationship as a whole. The main advantages of using the genogram are: . It is a valuable tool for explaining a case efficiently. . It helps the helper to review the history of a case quickly before a session.

191

MGG201W/1

. It consolidates a great deal of information in a relatively small space. . A practitioner may adapt the genogram specifically for different types of families. For example more emphasis can be placed on the members of a household, rather than the whole extended family who are estranged. . It expands the information about the presenting problem, revealing how, in some instances, interpersonal relationships are influenced by events from the past. . It highlights the support systems available to the couple. Remember that the genogram must not be used on its own. It merely highlights historical influences, and does not focus on ``current issues such as external stressors, personality differences, and extramarital influences and relationships that are currently affecting the couple'' (Young & Long, 1998:104). It is best used to augment information that has been gained about the relationships of a particular family, as it provides evidence of how the past is connected to the present.

ACTIVITY
Draw a genogram to represent your own family. Discuss the potential benefits and limitations of using the genogram to work with couples in your community.

(b) Structured assessment tools

Relationship satisfaction can be measured in a number of ways. There are a range of standardised assessment tools available. Popular assessment tools include Stuart's Couple's Pre-Counselling Inventory (1983), the Spanier Dyadic Adjustment Scale (1976) and the Marital Happiness Rating Scale, developed by Aaron, Naster and Jones. For the purposes of this course we shall discuss the amended Marital Happiness Rating Scale, as used by a group of colleagues who worked at FAMSA. Structured self-report instruments have several functions. Brown and Brown (2002:9798) suggest that they: . provide objective measures of behaviour that are significant to the couple . reveal information that the couple may be reluctant to disclose during the interview or symbolise unsymbolised issues in their relationship . keep the couple's discussions in counselling focused on critical areas that need to be resolved . provide an ongoing objective measure of the couple's experiences within the relationship that can not be achieved by observation alone

192

The Marital Happiness Rating Scale (MHRS)

This tool measures the couple's reported levels of happiness in each of the important areas of marital interaction. It operates from the assumption that there are several important areas relevant to marriages. The areas are: household responsibility; rearing of children; social activities; money; communication; sex; academic or occupational progress; personal independence; spouse independence; general happiness. The couple are asked to think about and rate their current level of happiness within each of the ten areas, giving each a numerical rating from one to ten. If they score one, it indicates that they are extremely unhappy in that aspect of the relationship. If they score ten it suggests that they are ecstatically happy with that area of their relationship. The counsellor stresses that the couple should not focus on past satisfactions, but rather on present ones. Each partner writes his or her ratings on the marital happiness scale. The counsellor guides them through a discussion about the scores that each allocated, highlighting the good areas of the relationship and earmarking the troublesome areas for further discussion. The couple soon recognise the areas of conflict and begin to negotiate behavioural changes that each expects will increase their levels of happiness in their relationship.

Instructions to interviewers
1. Do not attempt to use the MHRS until the couple have experienced the core conditions of personhood in the helping alliance, which are respect, empathic understanding, congruence and belief in the couple's personal power to achieve a more satisfactory relationship. 2. Weiss and Perry (1979) emphasise that one can only use the MHRS after the couple have had sufficient time to express and dissipate some of the strong emotions experienced within their relationship. 3. The MHRS should only be used if both partners are willing to acknowledge that there are problems in their relationship and both are willing to take responsibility for the problems. 4. The MHRS is unsuitable if the couple's relationship is extremely bad and you anticipate that their ratings will be very low, or when one partner appears to have unrealistic expectations of the other, or when there is an inequitable commitment to the counselling process.

Instructions to be given to couples in counselling

1. Describe each category to the couple in words that they both understand. Be sure that they are clear about each category/area of functioning. 2. Tell them to think about the following sentence: ``If my partner continues to act in the future as he/she is acting today with respect to this relationship area how happy will I be with this aspect of our relationship?'' This translates to allocating numerical scores according to how they feel on that day.

193

MGG201W/1

3. Explain the rating scale and the whole continuum concept. A score of 1 represents extremely unhappy. A score of 10 represents extremely happy. Couples should try to plot their levels of happiness as accurately as possible, avoiding the tendency to play it safe by plotting 5 for all categories.

The adapted MHRS

1. Household responsibility This refers to the allocation of chores within the home, such as cleaning, gardening, household maintenance, car maintenance, shopping, preparing meals and tidying up. 2. Rearing of children This measures the level of satisfaction around how the children are cared for, disciplined, entertained and assisted. The couple are asked to consider whether they are equally motivated to have or not have children, whether children are used in an alliance against each another, and whether their children come between them. 3. Social activities The couple consider how leisure time is used in their relationship. Do they have common interests? Do they share mutual friends? Does either partner have to forfeit a much loved activity because the other partner does not share that interest? 4. Finances Do the couple experience any differences about the controlling, spending, saving or making of money? Are they satisfied with the amount of money allocated for each to spend on themselves? 5. Communication Do the couple experience openness and clarity in their discussions with one another? Do they feel that they are allowed to talk openly about the issues that they are most concerned about? Do they feel that they are understood by their partner? Do they communicate frequently enough? Are they able to resolve their disagreements without violence or name calling? How do they rate their joint problem-solving skills? 6. Sex Who initiates? How frequently does it occur? To what extent does each partner feel loved and desired? To what extent are the couple sexually compatible? Is there evidence of nonsexual affection? Are they aware of each other's needs for foreplay and afterplay? Can they discuss their sexual preferences without fear of reprisal? 7. Work/career To what extent does work complement the couple's relationship or compete with it? Does each partner's work satisfy the couple's needs

194 for status and recognition? Do they earn enough money? Does occupation-related travelling jeopardise the relationship in any way? How do the company's or firm's recreational or overtime policies impact on the couple's relationship? 8. In-laws Do the couple fight about their families of origin? Are there family myths or traditions that have been handed down by one or both families of origin that generate conflict between the couple? To what extent do the couple feel their autonomy is respected by the families of origin? To what extent do they feel happy with the way their families of origin deal with privacy issues? To what extent do the partners feel accepted and respected by their in-laws? Do they experience the families of origin sending strong messages regarding gender roles, cultural identity issues or status issues? 9. Independence Are the couple satisfied with the amount of time that they have to pursue their independent interests? Do they feel satisfied with the amount of autonomy allocated to each regarding decision making, or spending money, or having a personal savings account? Do they feel controlled within the relationship? Does either of them feel weighed down by the other partner's dependence on them? 10. General happiness How would the couple rate their overall satisfaction with the relationship?

When to use the MHRS

. This tool is useful when the couple describe their relationship as stagnant, boring or no longer fulfilling. . The MHRS helps to identify what the main issues are that the couple are struggling to cope with, when their complaints are vague or they report that they quarrel over everything. . This tool is useful in instances where the couple decide to give their relationship one last try. It consolidates their efforts and provides them with an objective measurement of change during counselling. . It is a tool that is suitable for practical people who do not like to devote discussion to romantic nonsense, or be too analytical of feelings.

ACTIVITY
Apply the MHRS to your own couple relationship. If you are not in a long-term relationship, try to apply it to two characters in a local soap opera such as Isidingo, Generations, Sewende Laan or The Bold and the Beautiful. You could ask a person who is comfortable to do so to rate his or her relationship, using this

195

MGG201W/1

scale. If you choose this last option, be sure to explain that you are not a qualified counsellor, and will not be able to provide any assistance in areas where there are problems. Be sure to reassure the person of confidentiality. Decide if there are any other categories or areas of a relationship that you feel should be included in an assessment tool such as this. Did you find this tool to be helpful? Explain. What were the limitations of this tool? Did you experience this tool to be culturally sensitive, or not? Please explain.

(c) Observation of interactional patterns

When the couple interact with one another in the session, the helper observes their interactional patterns. Mostly, couples' behavioural exchanges are so spontaneous that they do not try to hide them from the helper. The helper specifically observes the following: . . . . . . . . . . . . Who initiates the discussion? The tone the couple use when addressing one another The kind of nonverbal exchanges that occur between them The extent to which the couple acknowledge one another The emotions that are expressed in the session and the manner in which the partners deal with these emotions Is one partner more forceful about expressing their point of view than another? Do the couple listen to each other? Is there anyone who habitually interrupts the conversation? Are there any specific relationship styles that are obvious in this relationship, for example dominance, passivity, joking, intimidating, insulting? To what extent is silence used to keep the peace? How do the partners deal with the expression of anger and conflict in the session? Are there any subjects that one or both partners try to avoid?

It must be remembered that the answers to these questions are based on the helper's frame of reference. These are his or her own observations and may be subject to misinterpretation. The helper tentatively shares these observations with the couple to check whether they are significant. The purposes of considering these questions in the early part of the counselling relationship are: to make the couple more aware of their current interactional patterns and identify whether these interfere with the management of their problems in any way; to broaden their perspectives of their relationship; to assist them to formulate goals for counselling; and to increase their commitment to work towards these goals (Brown & Brown, 2002:101).

196

(d) Developing an interactive definition of the problem

Having an interactive definition of the couple's main concerns is vital for goal setting. Instead of relying on one person's definition of the problem, the helper and couple develop a broader, mutual perspective of what their concerns really are. The positive conditions of helping provided by the helper assist the couple to recognise that neither of them has been right or wrong, but rather that their interactions with one another have been helpful or unhelpful. This dislodges the couple's individual versions of what, or who, is to blame. A different, less polarised perspective replaces these perceptions. Because the new version is a shared version, the couple are more committed to working together to address the mutually defined issues. The helping alliance (the helper and the couple) decide on the issues that need to be addressed first. Ideally, they focus on one or two problem issues. These problems are restated in positive terms, the way the couple want their relationship to be. Let's imagine that the couple have pinpointed that they do not spend enough time together participating in leisure time activities. The restated goal would be to find a mutually satisfying leisure time activity and increase their relaxation time together. Shifting from individual perspectives to combined perspectives helps the couple to realise that the only way that change is possible is for them to work together as a team.

The meaning of an interactive definition

Instead of each person holding on to their individual perceptions of what or who the problem is, the worker helps them to see the situation from a much wider perspective, from a shared vantage point. This increases the likelihood of them working together to find mutually satisfying solutions. When their positions on the problem are extremely polarised, the helper assigns tasks that will help the couple to move toward a shared definition, such as keeping a logbook that records the frequency of the recurring problem, or noting the antecedents and consequences of the problem.

ACTIVITY
Consider the following individual definitions of problems and attempt to develop interactive definitions. Example Bangane: She is so boring. She never wants to go out or have fun. Nomsa: How does he know? Bangane is never around. His friends are more important to him than his family. Interactive definition: We have stopped doing things together that we used to enjoy. We spend too much time arguing about things we fail to change.

197
Example 2

MGG201W/1

Suman: One is never allowed to disagree with Deva. She always wants her own way. She sulks if we disagree with her. Deva: That's not true. Suman doesn't think that my ideas count for anything. What he says goes. Interactive definition: Example 3: Cassandra: He has such a temper. When we argue he storms out. Cassim: That's because she loses it and starts calling me names. I won't stand around to be insulted by anyone, least of all a woman. Interactive definition: Example 4: Dirk: Maggie spends money like water. I'm killing myself trying to protect this family from financial ruin. Maggie: We both work hard. I don't see why I should ask for his permission to spend my money. He doesn't like to buy things unless he can pay cash. I think, ``Why not? Buy now, enjoy now''. Interactive definition

FEEDBACK
Possible responses to examples 2. We can't seem to negotiate problems together. We fail to create mutually satisfying solutions. It ends up being a win lose situation. 3. We can't sort out small problems because our arguing is not productive. 4. We have not clarified our financial priorities. This makes it difficult for us to cooperate with one another in terms of how to spend and save.

Young and Long (1998:109) remind us that once the initial assessment has been completed, a few minutes should be set aside to deal with the specific problem that brought the couple for counselling in the first place.

Offering hope
Offering hope is essential for encouraging the couple to focus on their concerns and remain committed to change. Hopefully the review of the early stages of the couple's relationship will reawaken pleasant memories for both partners. Good memories remind both partners that at the start of their relationship, they did not set out to create pain and unhappiness for one another. I find that when couples remember the good times in a session, there is a lightening of the heavy load that they carry into counselling. The lightness comes as a welcome relief. Furthermore, by focusing on their positive behaviours and the efforts they made to improve their relationship, they are reminded that their relationship is important to them. With conscious effort, each one is capable of satisfying their partner's expectations for being just reasonably content

198 in the future. A simple acknowledgement of the stress that the couple has experienced in their relationship, and a statement that they do not have to settle for the stress to continue, helps to remind couples that they do have choices and they can determine their future. They should be told that the purpose of counselling is to increase each person's level of personal happiness. Although the ideal is to harness the couple's energy to improve the conditions of their relationship, when the relationship is too stressed or harmful to either partner's mental or physical health, divorce or separation may need to be considered. The helper refrains from giving false hope. When the helper sees that the couple have left counselling too late, offering them unrealistic encouragement that their relationship can change will only make them delay setting realistic goals. One must be sure that working on their relationship will be worth it for the couple. It should reconnect them to the happy times they shared in the past and awaken them to a more optimistic future.

Deciding on couples counselling versus individual therapy

At this point there is enough information for the helper and the couple to decide who should be involved in the counselling process. Karpel as summarised by Brown and Brown (2002:103) lists several contraindications for seeing the couple together. Joint sessions are not suitable when: . . . . The helper has a poor relationship with one or both partners. The partners cannot agree on the goals that they want to work on. The conflict between the two partners is unmanageable. One partner's difficulties override the relationship issues, for example he or she experiences severe depression, or one partner has a substance dependence problem, or is extremely anxious, or even has suffered a severe head injury. These issues need to be addressed first. Until then, couples counselling is contraindicated. . The safety of one partner is in jeopardy because of extreme domestic violence. . The couple have a long history of unsuccessful couples counselling. It is better to work with one partner in the following situations: . One partner has individual issues that need to be resolved before the relationship can be addressed, for example in the case of a person who has a history of jealousy. . One partner is unmotivated to attend counselling and the other is distressed and wants assistance. It is better to work with one partner to try to assist him or her to manage the stress associated with the relationship than to allow the problem to go on without any intervention at all. . Working with the couple is too taxing for the helper. Some couples can overwhelm a counsellor because they are difficult, they argue and contradict one another to such an extent that the counsellor cannot keep track of their issues in a joint session. . The counsellor wishes to provide each partner with an opportunity to

199

MGG201W/1

share their story, because they appear to be holding back. This can only be done if the counsellor is prepared to arrange an individual session with each partner, so that no one will feel that the helper has formed an alliance with the other.

5.3 STAGE THREE: GOAL SETTING

This is the point where each partner considers the desired outcome of counselling. They start to imagine a future together that is different from their current, problem saturated relationship. This hopeful scenario forms the basis of their goals. Young and Long (1998:73) suggest that the helper moves the couple through several steps in the goal-setting stage. These are externalising the problem and setting behavioural and affective goals. As time goes by, the couple reveal more and more significant information as their trust in the helping process increases. It may even be that the initial presenting problems are not the key issues that the couple or counsellor thought them to be. As more information becomes available, the helping alliance starts to see which underlying issues need to be tackled to provide meaningful change. In essence, assessment is an ongoing issue and therefore goals need to be refined throughout the counselling process. Young and Long (1998:129) use the analogy of the helper being a sketch artist who keeps on holding up the sketch to the couple and asking, ``Now, is this it?'' As time progresses, the couple help to modify the picture, rubbing out the mistakes, so as to change the original vague drawing to a distinct, solvable issue.

5.3.1 Externalising the problem

Tomm in Durant and White (1992:23) defines externalising as ``a linguistic separation of the distinction of the problem from the personal identity of the [person]''. He believes that this technique assists people to start thinking about their difficulties and realise that they have the abilities necessary to escape the harmful effects that the problem has caused in their lives. The significance of using this technique in couple counselling is that ``Externalising means helping the couple think about the problem as separate from themselves: this puts both partners on the same team'' (Young & Long 1998:73). This technique is characteristic of the narrative approach to couples therapy pioneered by Michael White. The couple are helped to view their concerns as problem based, outside of themselves. The problem is not considered to be within the person, or their relationship as a whole. Instead, the problem is the problem. With the combined energies of both partners, they are able to manipulate, control, deal with or resolve the problem's occurrence. The counsellor helps the couple to believe that if they work together they will find ways to conquer their difficulties. Examples of externalising the problem are the jealousy monster, the inlaw dilemma and the arguing problem. The language used gives the problem a character of its own. It places the problem outside the couple's relationship altogether. Externalising the problem in this way enables

200 partners to look at the problem more objectively, and see that if they work together, they will be able to escape its influences. The couple are requested to consider times in their relationship when they have successfully avoided allowing the problem to overtake their relationship. Their insights empower them to manage or control the problem more consciously.

5.3.2 Deciding which problems should be addressed first

The helper, according to Young and Long (1998) and Egan (1994:255), adds value to this stage by using skills to help the couple choose, craft, shape and develop their goals. Goals are the things that clients want or need to increase their general happiness. Obviously, the helper cannot define the goals for the couple. They should set these for themselves. In order to succeed, the couple should select goals that are feasible and practical. Egan (1994:225) refers to these goals as viable goals. They are considered to be viable when they fulfil the following criteria: . They are goals that the couple are motivated to change that are in keeping with their values. Helping only remains ethical if it respects, within reason, the values of the client. The helper has a professional responsibility to assist couples to explore and clarify the values involved in the decisions that they take. Ishwar may experience a dilemma when he has to make a decision about whether to take a promotion offered at work, as it will require him to move to another city. This decision may be complicated by the fact that Priya, his wife, does not feel that she could join him, as she cares for her bedridden mother who will be unable to cope with such a move.

ACTIVITY
Under these circumstances, what do you think Ishwar should do? Should he take the promotion? Should he stay with Priya and her mother? Should Priya arrange for someone else to care for her mother and move with Ishwar?

FEEDBACK
The helper cannot offer advice. Instead, he or she helps the couple to consider what benefits will be gained from accepting the promotion, and at what price to both parties. One may discover that Ishwar has been very frustrated at work because he has outgrown his position. The family need the increase that accompanies the promotion to pay for tertiary fees for their children. The promotion is to Johannesburg where his elderly parents live, and he would like to spend more time with them. Priya's mother is so frail that the doctors do not expect her to live for much longer. Weighing up the costs and benefits is followed by brainstorming ways to offset some of the costs by developing new creative solutions, for example, negotiating a travel allowance to enable Ishwar to come

201

MGG201W/1

home once a month, or arranging for another relative to be responsible for Priya's mother for four days a month so that she can visit Ishwar. The couple's basic needs might be fulfilled in one of these ways. . Select the goals that are attainable. They must be realistic and sustainable. A realistic goal means that the couple have access to the resources they need to accomplish the goal. The couple steer away from choosing goals that are blocked by environmental obstacles. The goals they select should be directly under their control. It is unnecessary for the couple to try to achieve the absolute best solution; rather, they should settle for the best possible choice given the time, energy and resources at their disposal. Consider the following example. Bashi and Michael have been married for five years. They have twins, aged three years. Because they both work full-time, they find that there is little time for them to enjoy an intimate relationship with one another. They are feeling as though they are growing apart. They would like to go away together, just as a couple. Michael's mother has offered to have the twins for a weekend. This would be a great idea, but the reality is that they are in debt and are falling behind with their bond repayments. Michael's mother is very house-proud and her home is filled with antiques.

ACTIVITY
How would you help Bashi and Michael to see that their goal of going away to a hotel for a second honeymoon may not be realistic? Can you think of creative ways to help the couple to find the best available solution, given the resources at their disposal?

FEEDBACK
One would not like them to have to go away at a great expense. It may be easier for Michael's mother to come and stay in their house to look after the children. Bashi and Michael can enjoy some time together at Michael's mother's house. . The goals should be challenging and lead to substantive changes in the relationship. Egan (1994:260) reminds us that people rise to a challenge. They need to have their motivational levels increased. Locke, Shaw, Saari and Latham, quoted in Egan (1994:260), tell us of research that found that, within reasonable limits, the more challenging the goal, the better the resulting performance of clients would be. One wants to ensure that the attainment of the goals should have the right impact of their lives. It should address the original problem that brought them in for counselling in the first place, and challenge them to aspire to new levels in their relationship. Support should be given for those goals that promise to lead to further improvements in the other areas of the couple's relationship. The following example illustrates this. The Khumalo family watched an episode of the Oprah Winfrey Show that featured families in debt. Hearing the people who participated in this episode talk about their experiences, they realised that much of the family tension in their home was a result of their debt.

202
They decided to see a counsellor to assist them to develop a plan to change their financial situation. Both Mr and Mrs Khumalo had exceeded the limit on their credit cards. They had four clothing accounts, a pharmacy account and a furniture account, and had taken a loan from a loan shark. They were in arrears with all their repayments. They were paying higher instalments because of the accrued interest on their debts. The first thing that they decided to do was to stop buying on credit. They agreed not to make any purchases on any of their accounts for eighteen months. They allocated a fixed monthly amount for regular repayments on each existing account. As both partners worked and earned reasonable salaries, they realised that, although it would be difficult, it was not impossible to turn their situation around in eighteen months. Unless they took a firm and determined line of action, where they could see the benefits of their efforts quickly, they would become unmotivated and fall back into their harmful spending habits.

ACTIVITY
List the ways in which you suspect this money plan will impact on the Khumalos' life.

FEEDBACK
The drastic measures mean that they can look forward to a better future much sooner than if they had tackled the problem more cautiously. With their debts out the way, they can have more money to spend on family outings, which will probably improve the family relationships. The level of tension in their home will be reduced, as they will not have to worry about impending judgements or the threat of their household goods being attached. Because this financial plan is a joint goal that has worked for others, their motivation and commitment to support each other is likely to be high. The family will learn to work together in a cooperative fashion. They have to work out creative solutions to survive on a very limited budget, and find inexpensive forms of social activities. The attainment of such a challenging goal will enhance their cohesion. . Goals should be specific enough for the couple to be able to verify the extent to which they are attained. Broad goals need to be refined to be more specific. Egan (1994:258) suggests that one assists clients to move from a good intention, such as ``I need to do something about my socialising'', to a broad goal, such as ``I need to make more friends so that I am not so dependent upon my partner'', to a specific goal, such as, ``I plan to join a ballroom dancing class''. A good intention can be described as a person's decision to do something about a problem that they have come to recognise. It is vague and merely hints at addressing an area of their life. A broad goal says in a general way that which the person wants to do. But it fails to specify precisely what new patterns of behaviour will be in place. A specific goal is clearly and operationally defined. It can be verified, enabling the person to measure his or her performance, which is an added incentive.

203

MGG201W/1

ACTIVITY
Think about something that you would like to change in your life. It must be a thought, a feeling or a behaviour. Now rewrite this first as a good intention, then as a broad goal, and finally as a specific goal. For example: Good intention: I want to do something about my weight. Broad goal: I want to lose weight. Specific goal: I want to lose 6kgs and drop one dress size to a size 34 by Christmas. I will join Weight Watchers and attend gym four times a week. . Goals should be stated as outcomes rather than activities Counselling is about managing life situations better so that a person's generalised happiness increases. ``I want to study'' is an activity rather than an outcome. Attending Weight Watchers is an activity, not an outcome. When a person sees the connection between a series of activities and an outcome, their commitment to goal is increased. Activities should be reworded to explicitly state the accomplishments that they represent. The helper guides the person to achieve this by asking thought-provoking questions such as: ``In what way will this benefit you?'', ``What will you get out of doing this?'' ``How will this make your life look in a year's time?'' . They must be able to be achieved in a reasonable time frame. Complicated and lengthy goals should be avoided, as they are very demoralising. One wants to ensure that the couple achieve success quickly, as this further motivates them. Therefore there is merit in subdividing a complicated goal into partialised, sequential steps. Attainment of each step is rewarding and allows the couple to keep track of just how much progress they make. . The couple must tackle any crises first The most pressing issues need to be tackled first. There is little merit in visiting a couple to help them improve their relationship when their family is starving. One can only address higher-order needs such as affection and a sense of belonging, when lower-order needs such as food, shelter and protection have been attended to.

ACTIVITY
Read the following case study and critique the role that the counsellor played. Gheeta, a 47-year-old woman, has been married for 25 years. Her husband has a severe drinking problem and has taken to beating her and their youngest child, a boy who is completing grade 12. The other two children, a son and a daughter, left home when they married, and both live in the same town, 250 km away from Gheeta. Gheeta explains to the counsellor that her husband's drinking only became a problem when he was boarded from work a year ago. Gheeta has been a perfect home-maker. She has never worked

204
outside the home since she married. She has lost her confidence and is afraid to apply for employment positions because of her lack of skills. ``What will they want with someone like me? I can't type, I can't do books, I think that I have even forgotten how to write a letter.'' The last time her husband attacked her it was so severe that he broke her collarbone. Her children urged her to go for counselling. She feels that she should stay with her husband because her son needs to finish his schooling. Thereafter she will decide what to do. The counsellor hears Gheeta's reluctance to move. The counsellor believes that Gheeta is petrified of her husband but won't move because she does not want to jeopardise her son's schooling. Gheeta has nowhere else to go and no money to support herself. The helper hears that Gheeta lacks selfconfidence and suggests that they work on that. She challenges Gheeta to recognise that she has allowed herself to become passive in her relationship and therefore should consider assertiveness training. Recognising that Gheeta is a bright woman, she refers her to a computer training company for free computer literacy training offered to self-motivated destitute women.

FEEDBACK
The helper should have started with the crisis. She needed to establish whether Gheeta was safe from further attacks. She also needed to make sure that Gheeta understood the protocol of obtaining a court order against her husband and had considered the risks and benefits of this line of action. Offering assertiveness training to a woman in an abusive relationship could put her at greater risk. It is not clear whether Gheeta was ready for computer training at that point, and the counsellor needed to explore this further in case Gheeta would feel that here was another area that she was destined to fail in. Working on her self-confidence is a higher order change, and the focus should rather have been on Gheeta's need for safety for herself and her youngest child.

5.3.3 Setting behavioural and affective goals

Interestingly, Young and Long (1998) explain that when one assists couples to set goals one needs to break these goals down into behavioural and affective components. The motivation behind this is that real change occurs at the three levels of human functioning: cognitive, behavioural and emotional. Irrespective of where one targets change, be it at behaviour, cognitions or emotions, the change in one area produces change in the others. Imagine that Janet and Brad decide that their problem is that they fail to affirm one another. During counselling they concentrate on increasing the number of positive statements that they direct at one another and make their appreciation of one another more explicit. They verbalise their feelings of pleasure to each other. Their efforts at change are directed at a behavioural level, that is, the number of times they express appreciation to one another and pay one another compliments. This can be measured, observed and tallied. When both partners find it pleasing to discover that some of their efforts are

205

MGG201W/1

appreciated, they begin to challenge their long-held idea of not being appreciated by their partner (cognition). Brad and Janet report at the next session that they both feel more accepted and respected, and that some of their anger has been replaced with feelings of tenderness and well-being (emotion).

5.3.3.1 The cognitive component of goal setting

By assisting the couple to externalise the problem they see that they can control, manage or change most problem situations. They are in charge. They can outsmart the problem if they choose to work together as a team. Much has already been said about developing an interactive definition of the problem and this needs no further elaboration. The couple constructs a feasible goal based on their shared perspective, making them collaborative partners. Young and Long (1998:130) stress that because they are collaborative partners they will be less defensive and their change efforts will be more successful. Externalising the problem and creating an interactive definition of the problem discourages partners from blaming each other for the problem and competing against one another. This shift in thinking makes an enormous impact on the way the couple feel about and behave towards each other.

5.3.3.2 The behavioural component of goal setting

This point has been alluded to in the discussion on developing viable goals. Because it is important in couples counselling, I will stress it again. Not only behaviourists monitor behaviour to see whether counselling has achieved the desired outcome. Psychodynamic therapists, systemic family therapists and ecosystemic helpers all choose to observe changes in couples' behaviour when trying to verify the results of their interventions. By keeping specific goals in mind, and concentrating change efforts around these issues, change can be more easily measured or monitored, couples can keep track of the new desired behaviour, and this keeps hope and optimism alive during the counselling process. Young and Long (1998:130) say ``Success breeds success''.

5.3.3.3 The emotional or affective component of goal setting

Couples usually come for counselling because they can no longer tolerate the negative emotions that are ignited within their relationships. These emotions are in stark contrast to the ones they shared at the beginning of their relationship. Most long for the ``old attraction, closeness, contact and intimacy'' (Young and Long, 1998:131) that were characteristic of their relationship at an earlier time. Even though a partner's behaviour may cause a person frustration or unhappiness, it is a partner's emotional patterns in response to this behaviour that will ultimately threaten the relationship. Emotional interactions between couples are the single most significant factor in a couple's decision to stay together or to separate. For example, one partner's anger may lead the other to feel defensive and guilty, even when they are not to blame. A partner who is in high spirits

206 easily influences the other to feel optimistic and cheerful. It is important to remember this in counselling, because the couple learns that even when they are unable to resolve their differences with one another, as long as they are able to stay in positive emotional contact with one another, and not be defensive or distant, their relationship will survive. The four emotional responses that pose an enormous risk to a couple's relationship, identified by Gottman (1998:68) as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, are: critical anger; contempt; fearful defensiveness; and sullen withdrawal. The emotional foundations of these responses are clear. Unless appropriate expression is given to feelings in a couple's relationship, the couple's problems will spiral. These four emotional patterns are most likely to be the ones that the counsellor observes during counselling. The helper's role is critical because he or she is responsible for ensuring that the couple give expression to their feelings during the helping process. Unless they do, Gottman (1998:69) hints that the couple will fail to bring about the changes needed in their relationship. As stated previously, the helper reflects feelings, uses high levels of empathy to make individual partners feel understood and more in touch with their emotional responses, and then provides collective empathic response. Experiences of emotional arousal and the cathartic consequences of expressing feelings facilitate a healing process. During the helping process the helper should expect the off-loading of intense feelings such as grief, anger, frustration and resentment. Once these have been expressed, the couple seem to develop new insights and a sense of relief. Irrespective of theoretical orientation, assisting couples to share their feelings is a mutually beneficial process for partners. The person sharing the deep emotions experiences emotional release and self-awareness, and the partner who listens develops a more accurate understanding of the partner's point of view. All that remains is for the listening partner to practise demonstrating his or her empathic awareness. Because the expression of strong, uncontrolled, negative emotions is potentially damaging, the counsellor has to be vigilant about monitoring the couple's emotional exchanges closely. Those emotions that lead to closeness are encouraged, as are those that address the important issues of the relationship and those that facilitate couple understanding. The negative emotional expressions that involve name calling, blaming or uncontrolled anger are carefully censored by the counsellor during sessions. Young and Long (1998:132) suggest that the constructive emotional expression of significant feelings in the presence of the helper has much of the same effect as the saying of wedding vows before witnesses. This emotional expression represents a milestone in the counselling process, especially when strong emotions are evoked in one partner during the session and the other responds in a nondefensive manner and is open to being accepting and understanding. This powerful method or technique helps couples re-establish closeness. At this point one recognises that when one uses an integrative method, emotional or affective goals are as important as behavioural and cognitive

207

MGG201W/1

ones. Helping to change the couple's feelings towards one another is just as important as succeeding in behavioural change. Focusing on goals such as increasing sexual satisfaction or managing finances better is useless unless one can assist the couple to feel more in control of their relationship, experience closeness, be happy with each other, and so on.

ACTIVITY
Consider the following behavioural changes and identify the kinds of affective or emotional benefits you expect will accompany them. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Find a social activity that can be shared. Manage finances better. Be able to reduce conflict by negotiating and compromising. Improve sexual satisfaction. Enhance effective parenting skills.

FEEDBACK
The answers that you and I have prepared may not represent the emotional benefits that all couples will expect from these activities. This is purely an intellectual exercise to help you understand that emotions accompany behaviour. If one introduces behavioural change in a couple's relationship, then one expects change in the emotional interaction of the couple as well. Remember that the emotional responses of couples are unique. 1. The couple will feel relaxed and enjoy one another's company. 2. The couple will feel more in control and more positive about their ability to manage their problem as a couple. 3. The couple will enjoy an increased sense of cooperation and support. 4. The couple will share a sense of closeness and intimacy. 5. There will be stronger feelings of support and cohesion.

CONCLUSION
It can be seen that assessment and goal setting are ongoing interactive processes throughout counselling. They are both participatory and collaborative, and expect the couple to work as a team to jointly attack their individual complaints. The couple are enlisted to develop an interactive definition of the problem. Once they have defined the problem, the couple harness their efforts to identify specific cognitive, behavioural and emotional changes that they expect to happen during the counselling process. In essence, some healing occurs during these phases. Couples start to experience the benefits of giving expression to their pentup emotions. They understand one another better, hear what or how their partner feels, start to understand why they behave the way they do, identify what it is that they want or need, and so forth. They cease the harmful practices that they engaged in before they reached counselling,

208 such as blaming one another, playing mind games, or being defensive. They identify these as harmful patterns that are contraindicated when planning a positive future together. The couple are filled with hope and optimism because they realise that they have transformed their issues into solvable goals and have a vision of what the future holds without these problems.

5.4 STAGE FOUR: INTERVENTIONS ``WE HAVE A SOLVABLE PROBLEM''

There are two activities that are characteristic of this stage in the helping process: identifying individual and couple strengths, and developing appropriate interventions that will enable the couple to achieve their goals.

5.4.1 Identifying strengths

The helper assists the couple to mine for any strengths that may help them to deal with each other and their situation more positively. The strengths may be personal characteristics, assets that they have, unused opportunities or resources. Strengths may even be assets that were helpful in the past when similar difficulties challenged the couple. Taking cognisance of any past successes that were achieved as a couple will remind the couple of their existing strengths. They recognise that they can tap into these coping mechanisms to help them to deal more effectively with their present state of affairs. Facilitating the expression of stories from the past and present may alert the couple to feelings of attachment, love and nurturing that used to exist. Helping them to remember the times when they were still attracted to one another, or to recall romantic times, or remind each other of the things that they respected at the outset of their relationship, all work towards creating a positive climate. They sharpen the partners' respect for each other, and provide them with a sense of what they want in the future. The couple identify the changes that will make a difference in their relationship in the ``here and now'', and decide who should be responsible for them.

5.4.2 Designing interventions

Helpers need to have professional training in marriage counselling. The training should cover methods and techniques helpful for assisting couples to solve their problems. Training should provide the helper with a theoretical framework on which to base interventions. It should also offer supervised practical opportunities for the developing helper to master the skills and techniques. There should be sufficient time and opportunities allocated for the helper to evaluate his or her performance in the various areas of couples counselling. The methods and techniques that the helper selects for couples are usually defined by the therapeutic approach that he or she favours, as well as the couple's individualised needs, culture,

209

MGG201W/1

abilities and preferences. The helper must be skilled enough to identify the approaches that are more successful for dealing with certain problems. The helper strives to be effective and efficient at all times. ``There is no `one size fits all' intervention'' (Brown & Brown, 2002:122). The helper should only consider choosing interventions once the problems or goals have been clearly defined and agreed upon. The helping alliance should have developed to such a point that the helper has a thorough understanding of the context in which the problem occurs. At this point, Brown and Brown (2002:121) suggest that the counsellor should stop and ask himself or herself the following questions: . . . . What is the problem, how often does it occur, and how intense is it? What are the consequences of the problem behaviour for the couple? What resources can the couple use for changing the problem? How would a change in the problem behaviour affect the couple and significant others?

Interventions may involve communication training, rituals, group counselling, divorce mediation, increasing intimacy, sex therapy, reframing, negotiating conflict, enhancing problem solving, building trust and intimacy, building support for the relationship ... the list is endless. It is impossible to provide a review of all of these in a short course such as this. As a result, I have decided to deal with communication training, as this is most probably the most significant intervention that is appropriate for working with a wide range of couples who present for couples counselling.

5.4.2.1 Communication
It has been said that communication is the most common and shattering problem in troubled relationships (Jacobson, Waldron and Moore in Young & Long, 1998:138). This may be because couples tend to communicate less with one another when they have serious problems. A decrease in verbal exchanges between partners increases their misunderstandings because less information is shared and the partners start to make their own assumptions about things. A breakdown in communication leaves individuals feeling disappointed, mistrustful, bitter and distant. These negative feelings exacerbate their conflict. ``Couples who are unable to resolve conflict often `fall out of love' '' (Brown & Brown, 2002:129). The idea is to help a couple to identify the most negative communication patterns that they use. Those identified by Gottman (1998) that were mentioned as the four horsemen of the apocalypse will be discussed in more detail. Brief reference was made to them under the section on emotional goals.

(a) Four horsemen of the apocalypse (Gottman, 1998:68102)

. Criticism. Criticism occurs when partners attack each other's

210 character, instead of their behaviour. Criticism is usually presented in the form of accusations. It is easy to identify, because a criticism usually begins with ``You ... `', for example, ``You are so lazy'', ``You don't care for anyone but yourself''. Because the person feels judged or blamed, they are likely to respond defensively and rigidly. Criticism can lead to contempt, unless it is quickly dismantled or deconstructed. Consider the following situation: Bert complains to the counsellor, ``There is no doubt about it. Sarah is just bone lazy. Nothing gets done around our house''. Name calling, judging are both implied in his use of words, ``bone lazy''. Had Bert started with a brief, factual description of chores that were not being tackled in the home, his statement would have been considered as an expression of his anger and distress, rather than an attack on Sarah. . Contempt. This is designed to emotionally abuse the partner, and relies on name calling, personal attacks, mockery, body signals and swearing to psychologically wound or hurt the partner. These tactics may be classified as emotional abuse. Contempt is more blatant than criticism. It destroys the relationship, and in many situations triggers physical attacks. To be at the receiving end of contemptuous remarks over a long period of time can create a severe depression. It is a form of lowlevel bullying which, we are finding out, has severe long-term consequences for its victims. Zandile screams at S'fiso, ``You bastard. You don't have one ounce of decency in you. You're never satisfied until you have laid every woman you meet!'' Identify the obscene language, the name calling and negative emotional expression. What kind of response can you expect to hear from S'fiso in return? Zandile's remarks are likely to make S'fiso really angry and defensive. He may even attempt to hurt her. . Defensiveness. At this point partners resort to blaming each other without either taking ownership of their problems. Excuses, ``yesbuts'', whining, rationalising, underplaying, generalising, cross-complaining, all point to partners not taking responsibility for the problem. As a result the problem is not solved. ``My drinking is purely a response to your nagging. Everyone likes to let their hair down every now and again. Why can't you just accept this?'' The person fails to take responsibility for the drinking behaviour. It is even explained away as a normal response. The speaker suggests that the partner actually brings the drinking on by being unreasonable. This creates feelings of hopelessness. ``What is the point of arguing? We just get nowhere.'' Making another person feel guilty is a dangerous, manipulative tactic. . Sullen withdrawal. This response is evident when, as a result of the tension that one or both partners experience, one or both remove themselves from their discussions. This withdrawal may be a physical one, such as storming out of the house or going into another room. The

211

MGG201W/1

person may withdraw by remaining in the company of the person, but not responding to their remarks. These tactics create enormous tension. The verbal partner feels as though they are hitting their head against a brick wall. Neither partner is left with the feeling that they have any control over their problem, and both end up feeling desperate. Drastic withdrawal actually conveys contempt. Bernard is tired of listening to Monica go on about the way his mother manipulates them. She never has anything new to add, and these arguments are always about the times that Monica has felt that Bernard's mother has forced them to do things for her by making them feel guilty. Bernard feels trapped. If he defends his mother, Monica will go on with the argument. If he sits there without speaking, she will taunt him until he says something that he does not mean. He has had enough and picks up his car keys, gets into his car and drives away, leaving Monica fuming. When couples recognise these negative communication patterns and realise that they are advance signs of the progressive death of their relationship, they decide to substitute them with more effective communication skills. I shall not repeat the discussion on helping couples to express their feelings about their issues, as this was covered in the section on emotional or affective goals.

(b) The A B C and D of communication (Keech, 1993:106134)

Every book on couple counselling includes some discussion about why communication fails in relationships and how it can be restored. To tackle communication theories and their application to couples counselling in a short module such as this is unrealistic. Ruth Keech, the pioneer of the Education for Living Programme that was, and still is, presented in many schools in KwaZulu Natal, manages to whittle down the content to the basics and presents them in an easily memorable form (1993). The A B C and D checklist helps couples and their helpers to quickly identify where the couples' communication falls short.

A attention, appreciation, acknowledgement, admiration, affirmation, affection

The success of committed intimate partnerships depends upon an exchange of attention, acknowledgement, admiration, affirmation, appreciation, affection, approval or accurate understanding to a partner. When at least one of these attitudes is conveyed, it boosts the relationship. When things are going well in a relationship, the ``A'' talk is not as necessary, but when there are problems it becomes vital. Gottman (1994) conducted research on communication patterns associated with marriages that succeeded compared to those that failed. The successful couples were found to maintain a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions with one another. He concluded that when a couple's negative interactions increase beyond this magic 5 to 1 ratio, the relationship destabilises. This may explain why volatile couples who

212 fight still remain together. Gottman explains that passion and positive interactions within these relationships offset the harmful consequences of their volatile fights. His study reveals that stable couples show less contempt, are less critical, and are better listeners. Most significantly though, stable couples express their positive feelings for one another frequently.

Attention
It becomes easy for couples to live past each other, like ships passing in the night. A relationship devoid of actions conveying positive attention is likely to destabilise. Imagine that some influential person is about to visit you in your home. There are certain courtesies that you are likely perform to make your guest feel welcome. You are likely to be attentive and full of consideration. Can you think about what these actions are likely to be? You are likely to listen to them when they speak, smile and acknowledge their words by using nonverbal communication, you will check that they have what they need, make sure that they are comfortable, and so on. A colleague used to tell her clients, ``Imagine that you have been given a fragile pot plant to take care of. What are some of the things that you will do to make sure that your plant will not die on you?'' This metaphor helps clients to grasp the importance of the attending actions in intimate relationships.

ACTIVITY
Observe the difference that occurs in the relationship when you pay attention to someone you are close to. Select a person that you have a close relationship with. Over a five-day period, concentrate on making that person feel important and considered. Do not tell them that you are planning to do this. Afterwards, try to identify whether their responses to you changed in any way. One hopes to find that positive affirming contacts from one person in a relationship create a reciprocal response. Ask the person to give you feedback.

Appreciation
One should never rely on another person's assessment of one to make one feel good, but there is sufficient evidence to suggest that where little or no recognition and appreciation are expressed, motivation and enthusiasm in that relationship wanes. Take for example the work situation. Imagine that your boss fails to express her gratitude when you have worked late to complete an enormous task on time, or that after completing a difficult project you do not receive a special bonus, or when the company's annual performance is reviewed the boss takes the credit without acknowledging your and the other staff members' commitment and hard work. Keech (1993:103) suggests that all too often men see it as a sign of weakness to give encouragement and show appreciation. They assume that the occasional statement or action of approval is enough to last a lifetime.

213

MGG201W/1

A typical remark would be, ``Of course I love you. I married you, didn't I?'' Yet when courting, this same person had few reservations about expressing his admiration and appreciation of his partner. What changed, and why?

ACTIVITY
Pay attention to the number of positive, affirming statements you make to your partner. Do the positive statements outweigh the negative ones five to one as prescribed by Gottman (1998)?

Agreement
Lack of agreement on matters help to skew a relationship. Often couples come for therapy and one of the first things that they report is that they do not agree on anything. It should be noted that it is impossible for couples to disagree about everything. It is usually a matter of their being more preoccupied about the areas where they disagree, and overlooking their agreement about other issues. Sadly, couples tend to underplay the importance of verbalising their agreement about things, and to focus on their differences. Happier couples are those who use words such as, ``You're so right,'' ``I agree exactly'', ``That is a good point'', ``Well, I agree with the first part of what you said''. These words express affinity and harmony. They lift the relationship out of the doldrums. They make partners start to believe in themselves because the statements of agreement are affirming.

Therapeutic intervention
Gottman (1998:184) explains that change will not occur in any relationship unless a climate of acceptance prevails. Getting a couple to make statements about what they admire about one another leaves both of them feeling accepted and less defensive about the need to change their relationship. Couples can be taught to introduce these ``A'' interactions, but they need to know that when they use them they must be sincere, genuine and honest. The helper makes a point of raising the couple's awareness that these aspects of the relationship were in place at the outset of the relationship and have now fallen by the wayside. They are asked to reinforce one another on a daily basis. At first affirmations should be once daily and then build up to Gottman's suggestion of 5 to1. At first the couple will complain that their efforts appear to be mechanical and contrived. They should be encouraged to persist even when the other partner expresses some cynicism on hearing the first few compliments. The helper could suggest that the couple look through picture albums at photographs of happier times. They could even reread old love letters. By

214 doing this, says Gottman (1998), the couple is likely to realise that it is not easy to cancel out all the positives that led up to them falling in love in the first place. They will start to see that bad times do not wipe out all the good times. They need to develop a positive mind-set about one another if their relationship is to survive.

B bettering the content of conversations

With time, stimulating conversation can decline dramatically. Keech (1993:114) reminds us that the daily grind and the pressures of child rearing put paid to the possibility that any lengthy conversation is ever likely to be concluded, let alone enjoyed. This is a great pity, because couple relationships need to fulfil some social and intellectual needs of the partners. Lack of interesting conversation becomes a passion killer, because without it, the relationship falls into the trap of becoming stale and uninteresting. One expects couples to keep the relationship entertaining by each bringing new ideas, life-styles, fresh interests or even an outside circle of friends into their conversations. (Complementarity was discussed as a therapeutic tool under strategic therapy, and bettering the content of conversations overlaps with this.) It requires that couples enjoy some interesting stimulation outside their relationship to bring back home, to talk to their partner about. Couples that do everything together soon run out of things to say. Conversely, it is unrealistic to expect couples to appreciate every aspect of one another's individual interests. Clearly one needs a balance between these two positions. When couples say that they do not communicate with each other, one has to find out whether conversation is low because of the dynamics of the relationship, or as a result of other factors, such as one person being introverted, experiencing work stress, or simply gender differences.

Dealing with the silent partner

The helping alliance must establish whether the lack of conversation only occurs within the relationship, or at other times as well. Does the silent person speak to anyone at work, in the parental home, with friends? Those who engage the silent person in conversation should be invited into the couple's home more often, so that the articulate person becomes more aware of what the silent person likes to discuss. The articulate partner should consider the following questions: ``Do I keep interrupting my partner?'', ``Do I give the impression that I always know better?'', ``Do I make a scene when my point of view is disagreed with?'' In order to answer these questions they may need to listen to themselves in conversation over a few days. When partners work in very different contexts, or their worlds seem to be far apart because they are both so preoccupied with their personal pressures, they need to verbalise that this is the problem. Both may

215

MGG201W/1

genuinely feel that they have nothing interesting to share, and they should share this rather than subject their partner to stony silence without any explanation. It is recommended that when trying to enhance a relationship, each partner should be given the task of searching their mind on a daily basis for anecdotes or information that is likely to interest their partner. Sometimes to start the process off, couples can be asked to exchange any events during the day that made them feel ``mad'', ``sad'' or ``glad''. They could make a point of collecting items from the newspaper, or jokes to share, or even a summary of their experiences when participating in a favourite activity. However, couples may need to be reminded that positive conversations follow a particular pattern. Keech (1993) refers to this as a tennis match. The topic represents a tennis ball that has to be returned from one person to the other. Turns must be taken for ``service'', ie the introduction of each person's choice of topic. Each game is played to the end before a partner serves a new ball and begins a new game. The helper may suggest that the couple find a suitable time at least three times a week to talk to one another for at least fifteen minutes. It is best to keep the conversation light-hearted and avoid discussions about their problems, the children, complaints about work, or tasks that have to be undertaken around the home. I have found it useful to suggest that the conversations take place over an activity, such as walking the dog, making a hot drink after the evening meal, or preparing the supper. Sitting down to talk often places a strain on a couple whose relationship is tenuous. The unhappy couple are likely to feel threatened by the formality conveyed in ``Come and sit down, there is something that I want to tell you''. For those who have an unhelpful history of communicating, the shared activity becomes a useful medium for light-hearted conversations to lubricate or maintain their fragile relationship. The couple may even have to change their repartee. Couples need to be reminded that everyone loves a good story teller. If they are dull or boring they can change their style by giving a tale an unexpected twist, joking or being witty. Even good old flirting and teasing lightens a relationship that is stressed.

C conflict and criticism

When conflict arises, all people tend to position themselves somewhere along an anger continuum (Keech, 1993:119). Some may find that they are very quick to quarrel and defend themselves, whereas other are slow to take offence and struggle to express their frustrations or hurt. Each of these positions may be relevant in different situations. One would like couples to learn to move up and down this continuum to suit the situation they are faced with. Remaining silent to avoid an argument over long periods of time may lead to such resentment and bitterness that the outcome of this response is far worse than an argument that has been handled in a volatile manner. Expressing one's anger loudly in all situations may result in one not being taken seriously over an important

216 concern. Gottman (1998) provides four keys to improving relationships, and most of these pertain to the methods couples use when dealing with conflict. The four strategies Gottman proposes are: calm down; speak non-defensively; use validation; trust in overlearning.

Calm down
When couples feel overwhelmed in a situation, they need to make a deliberate effort to calm down. As soon as a disagreement impacts on a person's breathing and heart rate, they should know that their ability to communicate productively has already been drastically minimised. By recognising these early warning signs, the person will register that they are emotionally upset and physiologically aroused. This type of arousal usually ends up with the person saying things that are not meant and will be regretted later, developing vengeful thoughts, and wanting to remove themselves from the situation. Gottman explains that, once this negative arousal takes place, emotional flooding occurs which prepares the way for the four horsemen of the Apocalypse that were mentioned earlier in this guide. Gottman actually believes that couples should be trained to take their pulse rate. Males should be somewhere between 72 and 76, when in a normal state, and females should be somewhere between 82 and 86. If during an argument the person's pulse rate increases by more than 10 percent above the resting state, then the person knows that flooding has occurred and that they should cool down before proceeding with further discussion with their partner. Once the person removes himself or herself from the conversation, the object is for them to soothe themselves to the point that the pulse rate returns to normal. There is little purpose in removing oneself and then rehearsing all kinds of hurtful comments that can be made when talking to the partner again. The distress-maintaining thoughts that need to be controlled are thoughts such as: ``That really hurt!'', ``That was unforgivable!'', ``He needs to learn his lesson!'', ``I don't deserve this!'' These thoughts should be consciously replaced with soothing and validating ones. Some of the thoughts that are helpful are: ``Calm down. Breathe deeply'', ``This is a bad moment, but things aren't always like this'', ``I'm upset now, but I mostly enjoy our relationship''. Breathing and relaxation exercises are invaluable when trying to self-soothe. A technique that I have found useful when working with clients is the ``Waltz with your breathing'' exercise. The person is taught to breathe in to the count of three, hold their breath to the count of three and breathe out to the count of three. They do this for ten minutes, until they find that they are more relaxed. Some couples find it useful to take a break when annoyed and use the time to engage in an activity such as making a warm drink. After the drink they resume their conversation for fifteen minutes. Some clients report that going for a run or a walk is self-soothing. Others find having a bath or shower helps them to calm down. Some distract themselves by watching television.

217

MGG201W/1

Speak nondefensively
Nondefensive listening reduces the cycle of negativity. As one person starts being nondefensive, he or she lessens the chances of the partner being defensive. In order to short-circuit defensive communication the following responses are indicated: . Praise and admiration. The person should express a positive attitude toward their spouse as indicated in the section on affirming and accepting. Dwelling on the negatives of a relationship seldom makes the relationship better. Couples have a choice. They can either view their relationship optimistically or they can view it pessimistically. Which do you believe will be most likely to produce a positive outcome? . Be a good listener. The purpose is not only to hear what is said, but rather to be able to show the person who speaks to you that you really understand him or her. Gottman (1998:185) explains that in order to do this one has to depersonalise the conversation, even if it means recognising a partner's contempt as an indicator of the strength of the partner's feelings. Negativity can be regarded as an indicator of how strongly a person feels about an issue. The couple may need to be taught how to empathise with one another, demonstrate good attending behaviours, interpret their partner's nonverbal clues, such as facial expression, body posture and so forth, and lastly, regulate their own body language to be more open and inviting instead of adversarial. . Replace criticism and contempt with a straightforward complaint. Couples need to be taught that complaints are specific and explicit. They need to be so factual that the listener will know that the speaker is not generalising, exaggerating, or having a go at them. The complaint should relate only to one incident at a time. Criticism by comparison involves blaming and is global. The words ``always'' and `'never'' tend to be associated with criticisms. Contempt goes one step further. It adds insult to criticism. It becomes a verbal character assassination.

ACTIVITY
Let's see if you can recognise the differences between complaint, criticism and contempt. An extract taken from Gottman's quiz (1998:189) will help you to review your understanding of this concept. For each statement circle whether you think it is a sign of a complaint, criticism, or contempt. 1. I am upset that you did not pay the electricity bill this month. Complaint Criticism Contempt 2. How can I ever trust you? Complaint Criticism 3. You are totally irresponsible. Complaint Criticism 4. You stupid jerk! Complaint Criticism Contempt Contempt Contempt

218
5. I should have known you'd pull something like that. Complaint Complaint Complaint Complaint 9. Don't interrupt! Complaint 10 Complaint Criticism Criticism Contempt Contempt You just never care about my feelings. Criticism Criticism Criticism Criticism Contempt Contempt Contempt Contempt 6. You are just terrible with the children. 7. When we don't go out together I feel like you take me for granted. 8. I wish that you would touch me more and be more affectionate.

FEEDBACK
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10 Complaint Criticism Contempt Contempt Contempt Criticism Complaint Complaint Complaint Criticism

The easiest way to assist couples to avoid falling into the criticism and contempt trap is to teach them the one minute principle. The speaker has to restrict the expression of a criticism to one minute. There are four steps in this process: 1. They must state explicitly what the partner did. The statement should be as accurate as possible. As an example, ``Last night you accused me of being a useless housekeeper when you discovered that there was no jam when you were making your sandwich''. 2. They must describe how they felt in one or two words, starting the sentence with ``I felt ...'', for instance ``I felt insulted and hurt''. 3. They should explain the behaviour that they would have preferred instead of the offensive behaviour. ``A statement of your disappointment was all that was needed. Please do not insult and judge me on the basis of one mistake.'' 4 They should make a statement to show their partner they understood their perspective. This is important because it leaves the person's self-respect intact. ``I realise that it is disappointing when you feel like eating something and then find that we do not have it in the house.''

219

MGG201W/1

ACTIVITY
Consider the following situations that couples complain of. Imagine that these are situations that you wish to tackle your partner about. Use the one minute principle for each. Make a point of timing yourself to make sure that your complaint does not last more than a minute. 1. Your partner fails to tell you that he or she is going to be late for your anniversary dinner. 2. The bank manager called you at work to inform you that your joint bank account was overdrawn and the last two cheques bounced. You are upset about your partner's lack of financial responsibility. 3. Your partner has gone out socialising three times without inviting you. You have stayed home on these occasions to look after the children. . Be gracious about dealing with criticism. These examples all focus on the situations where one person speaks to a partner in a manner that reduces their partner's defensiveness when being criticised. Assisting couples to extricate both of themselves from nasty, counterproductive confrontations is challenging. Couples can learn to acknowledge criticism when it is justified. They should be encouraged to say what they plan to do about it. If they do not believe it is valid then they should request specific examples of the behaviour that is being criticised, or ask for it to be brought to their attention on the next occasion when it occurs. Keech (1993:129) says that teaching a person to accept criticism helps to reassure their partner that the person is reasonable and open to seeing things from another perspective.

Gottman (1994:193) cautions couples to avoid the following defensive responses: . Denying responsibility for a problem ``I can't help it that you were late for work. I didn't tell you to wait for me when I was late.'' . Making excuses ``I can't help it that I was late. It's that alarm clock. The alarm ring is too soft.'' . Using phrases like ``yes, but ...'' ``Yes, I know that I held you up. But I can't help it that you are an early bird and I am an owl.'' . Whining ``You are always nagging. Can't you be more reasonable? I can't help it and you keep on at me.'' . Reacting to negative mind-reading. ``I suppose because I was late again you are thinking that I can't be responsible?''

220 . Cross-complaining ``Ok, so I was late, but you did not seem to mind when you kept me waiting at your mother's and I had to miss the first half of the Germany-Italy semifinal. . Repeating yourself and using old arguments

Empathy
Couples may need coaching on how to see the problem from their partner's point of view. Once they have discovered this, they have to show that they understand that viewpoint. Empathy is the skill that allows a partner to know in many little ways that he or she has been understood. It validates his or her experience and so becomes a powerful tool for healing. The adversarial aspect of the couple's conflict is quickly erased when partners reflect one another's emotional content or experiences. When a partner sees the problem from their partner's perspective, and expresses that it has some validity, it immediately moves the couple closer together, away from their polarised positions. Empathy is usually explained to clients as the art of being able to put yourself in another's shoes and imagine what the other person's emotional state actually is. The experiences that are perceived are shared and acknowledged as valid. It does not imply that you have to take on the feelings or experiences of the other, but rather that your perceptions regarding their feelings are merely reflected back to them. Gottman (1998:195) uses the term ``validation'' instead of ``empathy''. I prefer to use the term ``empathy'' as it is a more popular term. Gottman's term ``validation'' stresses the function that empathy serves it validates the other person. Empathy has many gradations. The highest level is advanced empathy, where the other person's implied messages are made explicit, and the lowest level is the reflection of what they say without identifying any emotional content. Because empathy requires much practice, couples should be encouraged to increase the following: . Taking responsibility This is an acknowledgement from one partner that he or she recognises his or her part in upsetting the other. Example: ``I recognise that I have made you angry'' . Apologising A simple apology is a straightforward validation. The partner is left feeling respected and validated. Everyone is wrong now and again, and to admit this is a sign of maturity. ``I see what you mean. I was wrong in that respect.'' ``I'm sorry.''

221

MGG201W/1

. Compliment Helping couples to compliment one another sincerely helps to reduce the tension in their relationship. They need to emphasise the things about one another that they admire, especially the situations that have been well handled. . Doing the minimum Couples need to know that it is not necessary to engage in difficult actions to improve their relationship. The best and easiest way of a couple validating each other is to listen carefully, and reflect what each has said. ``I hear that I upset you.'' ``Yes, I hurt you.''

Overlearning try and try again

Couples need to accept the responsibility for practising these techniques. An intellectual understanding of fighting smart is not sufficient. Couples need to rehearse these strategies so often that they become internalised and automatic. Gottman (1998:200) says that if the couple overlearn a communication skill, they will have access to it when they need it most during an argument or a heated fight. I would like to end the section on conflict and handling criticism with an excerpt from Keech's book (1993:130131). After a discussion with a group of pupils who had been talking about conflict, a pupil came up with an idea that Ruth Keech shared with us, and we have used ever since, when working with children and families. The pupil observed that there are two kinds of fighting: street-fighting and clean-fighting. Streetfighting is used when you have no intention to preserve the relationship and clean-fighting is used when in conflict with those you care deeply for, partners, friends and family members. The other pupils in the class built on this idea and soon they came up with guidelines that we have used ever since.

Street-fighting (destructive conflict)

Objectives: To express disagreement or to criticise To end a connection Time: Preferably when exhausted, hungry, rushed or drunk Rules: Ignore what the other person says Generalise, exaggerate and call names Use all the ammunition you can Never compromise Never apologise

Clean-fighting
Objective: To express disagreement or to criticism To hold on to the relationship

222 Time: Rules: Not when tired, hungry, rushed or drunk Listen to what the other person says Agree where you can Don't generalise, exaggerate or call names Stick to one point at a time Offer a compromise/solution Try to apologise.

Source: From Keech, R. 1993. Better marriage, better life, p 131. Southern.

D discernment and discretion

The A B C of relationship building should not be considered as a set of rigid rules. The ideas need to be carefully explained to couples so that they use them discriminatingly. When these techniques are used without sensitivity and insight they compound the couple's relationship problems.

Discretion and ``A'' talk

``A'' talk needs to be carefully applied. There are certain things that the helper does not want couples to do when applying this principle. Using it too frequently, or overemphasising the same good points over and over, or emphasising the characteristics of a partner that the partner receives frequent positive feedback about from others can result in these gestures losing their value. Praising or acknowledging a partner is pointless unless couples aspire to Gottman's (1998) 5 to 1 principle. Frequently, acknowledgement of the accuracy of constructive criticism directed at a person without the person making an effort to change will provoke irritation. Using acceptance and acknowledgement only during times when a partner complies with the other partner's wishes will not flatter the person. Quite the contrary, the person will feel manipulated. Affirmations, acceptance, appreciation, are all reliant upon the person applying them with discretion.

Discretion and ``B'' talk

Exploding with enthusiasm when a partner looks sad is not likely to heighten the prospects of the partners having an enjoyable conversation. The enthusiastic partner must first respond to the sad partner's expression before sharing what he or she has to say. Even sharing good news falls flat unless it is properly timed. Coming home late without giving a partner an explanation is a good example of when not to burst into sharing good news. Or trying to share your excitement about your impending holiday is not good timing if your partner is overwhelmed because they have just crashed their car. Discretion is a critical element if one wants to make better conversations work.

223

MGG201W/1

Discretion and ``C'' talk

Keech (1993:133) explains that despite all good intentions, and much practice, some partners are so difficult and defensive that challenging them proves to be very dangerous for their partners. She goes on, ``Self assertion is a concept based, above all, on a belief in democracy and justice for all. And these beliefs are no more universally held by every married person than they are held by every state and nation. The world has come a long way since freedom of speech was limited to kings, noblemen and the Pope. But the price for speaking freely can still be found too high for some married to a tyrant male or female. In extreme instances the alternatives are to bow down or get out. Even substituting assertion for aggression or submission is of no avail. Even the best conflict management techniques will fail in certain situations and one wants a person to use their discretion in deciding which of these techniques will work best for their specific situation.''

Conclusion of stage 4
By completion of stage 4, one should expect that the couple has: Step 1: made shifts in behaviours, feelings and perceptions about the relationship and the partner Step 2: identified the strengths in their partner, themselves and the relationship Step 3: begun to experience the successes based on the outcomes of the therapeutic interventions that were selected for them

5.5 STAGE 5: MAINTENANCE ``WE HAVE A SOLUTION'' 5.5.1 Challenging commitment

Thinking about change, talking about change and experimenting with change are relatively easy things to do. The biggest challenge, it would seem, is to sustain change. Egan (1994:33) refers to this stage of the helping process as ``Finding out what clients are willing to pay for what they want''. He explains that choosing goals is easy in comparison to pursuing them. Many things may threaten the couple's good intentions, including minor setbacks, finding that the goals are not appealing enough, pursuing goals that the couple have not designed themselves, setting goals that have been too difficult, or setting goals that are not worth the hard work. Specific skills are needed to prevent the couple from regressing. Sadly, because of the couple's history of being in conflict, positive changes are often ignored when minor relapses occur (Young & Long, 1998:76). Progress is never a straightforward progression and one expects the couple to have some setbacks and that these setbacks will form an important part of the learning process. The counsellor has to be patient because change can be very painful and difficult for clients (Muller, 2002:80).

224 The helper poses several questions for the couple to ask themselves so that they can decide if they should reaffirm their commitment to the goals that they have set. . . . . . Why should we pursue this goal? Why is it worth it? How willing are we to do this differently? What will keep us motivated to continue working on this goal? What should each of us be responsible for to ensure that these changes continue?

5.5.2 Identifying roadblocks and pitfalls

Young and Long (1998:76) propose that by preparing the couple for setbacks or common barriers that threaten progress, the couple are better prepared for developing contingency plans. These plans will prevent the helping process from derailing. When the helper anticipates and forewarns the couple of relapses or ``slips'', they are better prepared to deal with them because they have had time to consider an appropriate follow-up response that they can implement. The helper uses several questions to sharpen the couple's perception of what is happening. The questions may be directed to one partner or the couple as a whole. . What is competing for your attention at present? . How strong are these competing agendas? . What do you need to do to keep these competing agendas in check? The helper questions the couple about how they will deal with the problem recurring, and asks several questions that help to focus their attention on relapses. Mostly, these are situation specific. . What can you do when your boss puts pressure on you to work overtime? . At various points you are going to feel like criticising Vukhile. How will you handle those feelings so that you don't slip back into your old behaviour? During this stage the couple and helper reconsider whether their goals are appealing, whether the goals are their own (not social prescriptions) and whether they have clearly thought through any plans for competing agendas. Couples need to be reminded that time, energy and resources are limited and that working on change involves prioritising these resources. One hopes that focusing on these challenging questions, and normalising relapses, will allow the couple to refocus their energy on tackling their goals and remaining committed to the change process, even when faced by unexpected obstacles. The helper is an active agent who helps the couple to restate commitment to the goals of counselling

225

MGG201W/1

5.6 STAGE 6: VALIDATION ``THERE IS NO PROBLEM''

Muller (2002:81) states that the helper needs to prepare the couple for the end of the process. When progress has been made, the helper makes a point of emphasising the positive changes before the couple decide to end the counselling sessions. The helper and couple review what the couple's situation looked like at the outset of counselling, what goals they set in stage three, and the extent to which these were achieved. This case review is an important ritual that serves to endorse the fact that the couple were able to conquer the problem as a team, and that they have both enacted new and positive behaviours, which has relieved the stress in the relationship. This is the stage of ``celebrating success''. Naturally some couples may be anxious about terminating the sessions. For those who are, the helper makes sure that they are prepared to get along without the helper's support by making up a long-term maintenance plan where the couple have periodic visits to the helper at three-monthly and then six-monthly intervals. For most couples, time is set aside to reviewing which networks of support will help them to consolidate the therapeutic gains that have been made in counselling. The couple decide when counselling should end; however, the objective of counselling is to enable a couple to manage their relationship on their own. This is why it is so important to link couples up with their own support networks, especially if these are based in their own communities. The support may come in the form of sensitive family and friends who continue to provide them with positive feedback and encouragement, or a community group that offer couples fellowship, or an organisation that caters for the couple's new shared interest.

5.6.1 Getting stuck

As stated earlier, change is not straightforward. Couples may become unclear about the direction of the helping process, and when this happens the helper should take them back to an earlier stage. The reason for this is that often clients present with one problem and while working with them on this, the helper realises that their problem was a smoke screen and that there is a much deeper issue. Re-identifying the goals and returning to assessment issues may be necessary before proceeding to interventions. If it appears that the couple do not have a mature, interactional definition of the problem, then one stays with assessment until they do. `` `Downshifting' to an earlier stage of therapy should not be thought of as a failure'' (Young & Long, 1998:79). Instead, couples can be reassured that all couples travel at different rates, depending upon the nature of their concerns and the number of personal and community resources available to them.

SUMMARY
This section proposed the use of an integrative model for helping couples. It combines concepts and ideas of a variety of theoretical perspectives.

226 The helping process is divided into six steps. The steps or stages provide the helper and couple with a sense of where they should start in the helping process and how they should proceed. The steps act as a road map for getting the couple to where they want to be. The integrative model of Young and Long (1998) is based on eight basic premises of helping, drawn from popular approaches as outlined in theme four of this guide. The central tenet of the integrative model is the use of the therapeutic process to move the couple from ``He or she is the problem'' to a point where they develop an interactional definition of the problem, ``The problem is the problem and we are united in our effort to fight it'', to the resolution of the problem, ``There is no problem''. The couple are guided to make behavioural and affective changes, and as the process progresses, the way they think about the problem alters. Change is not a straightforward process and it is the helper's responsibility to keep on developing ways to ensure that the couple remain focused on where they are going, what they are trying to achieve and why they are doing this. During the helping process several basic generic tools were proposed. Emphasis was given to focusing on the couple's strengths, recognising negative communication patterns, and using the A B C D of communication to strengthen relationships. Assessment, although an early stage of helping, is actually an ongoing process that lasts for the larger part of the therapeutic relationship. During assessment one really wants to find the answer to the question ``What is really going on?'' The use of the Marital Happiness Scale, the genogram and helpful questions were discussed as practical tools for this phase. When the couple reach the goal-setting stage, the helper's responsibility is to ensure that helping remains pragmatic, effective and efficient and that the couple set goals that will bring them relief. Guidelines for setting goals were provided. Intervention is a planned therapeutic activity or activities, based on the helper's assumptions about counselling. Simple interventions, consistent with Young and Long's (1998) integrative approach, were suggested for general relationship problems. Keech's A B C D relationship building technique was briefly outlined. Keech's relationship building technique encourages couples to affirm, accept and acknowledge one another. Their satisfaction in the relationship is increased by providing one another with social and intellectual stimulation through enhancing the content of their conversations. Finally, education and rehearsal assist the couple to manage their conflict more effectively. Couples who are unable to resolve conflict and who experience an absence of positive interactions often face a downward spiral of conflict. Gottman identified four behaviours which he refers to as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and sullen withdrawal. Gottman's (1998:175) four keys to improving marriage were presented. They overlap in part with other areas discussed in the guide but are simple keys: calm yourself, speak nondefensively, use empathic validation and overlearn these principles. This course should be considered as an introductory course to couples counselling. Further training and supervised practical experience are required before a person can practise as a relationship counsellor.

227

MGG201W/1

Voluntary counselling experiences are offered by some Lifeline and FAMSA organisations in South Africa. Voluntary counsellors are expected to complete a voluntary training course before being invited to counsel. This is a course in the making. Your ideas and opinions are needed to further shape and develop the concepts required to equip couples counsellors to work in South Africa's multicultural context.

228

Bibliography

Alpaslan, N. 1994. Hoop en hulp vir die huwelik: 'n werkboek vir huweliksvoorbereiding en huweliksbegeleiding. Kagiso: Pretoria. Anderson, WJ. 1989 (a). Family therapy in the client-centred tradition: a legacy in the narrative mode. Person-centered review. Vol 4, No 3, 295307 Anderson, WJ. 1989(b). Client/person-centred approaches to couple and family therapy: expanding theory and practice. Person-centred review. Vol 4, No 3, 245247. Bloom, M. 1984. Configurations of human behaviour. New York: Macmillan. Brown, JH & Brown, CS. 2002. Marital therapy: concepts and skills for effective practice. Pacific Grove: Brooks/Cole. Buscaglia, LF. 1982. Living, loving and learning. New York: Fawcett Columbine. Carter, EA & McGoldrick, M (eds). 1980. The family life cycle and family therapy. In EA Carter & M Goldrick (eds.) The family life cycle: a framework for family therapy. New York: Gardiner Press. Carter, EA & McGoldrick, M (eds). 1989. The changing family life cycle: frame work for family therapy. 2nd ed. Needham Heights: Allyn and Bacon. Carter, EA & McGoldrick, M. 1999. The expanded family life cycle: individual, family and social perspectives. 3rd ed. Needham Heights: Allyn & Bacon. Charema, J. 2004. Explaining the way in which parents of children with hearing impairments access counselling services in Zimbabwe. Master's dissertation, Educational Psychology: University of Pretoria. Christensen, A & Heavy, CL. 1990. Gender and social structure in the demand/withdraw pattern of marital conflict. Journal of personality and social psychology, 59, pp 7381. Corey, G. 1995. Theory and practice of group counselling. 4th ed. Pacific Grove: Brooks/Cole. Covey, SR. 1999. The seven habits of highly effective people: restoring the character ethic. London: Pocket Books. Durrant, M & White, C. 1992. Ideas for therapy with sexual abuse. Adelaide: Dulwich Centre Publications. Dusay, JM & Dusay, KM. 1980. Transactional analysis: an overview. (Chapter in a book. Editors and publishers not cited.) Duvall, EM. 1977. Marriage and family development. 5th ed. Philadelphia: JB Lippincott. Egan, G. 1994. The skilled helper: a problem-management approach to helping. 5th ed. Pacific Grove: Brooks/Cole.

229

MGG201W/1

Elion, B & Strieman, M. 2001. Clued up on culture: a practical guide for all South Africans. Paarden Eiland: Juta Gariep. Erikson, EH. 1952. Childhood and society. New York: WW Norton. Gaylin, NL. 1989. The necessary and sufficient conditions for change: individual versus family therapy. Person-centred review. Vol 4. No 3. 263279. Gottman, J. 1998. Why marriages succeed or fail and how you can make yours last. London: Bloomsbury. Grobler, H, Schenck, R & du Toit, D. 2003. 2nd ed. Person-centred communication: theory and practice. Cape Town: Oxford University Press. Guerney, L & Guerney, B., 1989. Child relationship enhancement: family therapy and parent education. Person-centred review. Vol 4. No 3. 344357. Gurman, AS & Rice, DC. 1975. Couples in conflict: new directions in marital therapy. New York: Jason Aronson. Harris, TA. 1969. I'm OK, you're OK: a practical guide to transactional analysis. New York: Harper & Row. Hauck, P. 1983. How to love and be loved. Sheldon Press. Hendrix, H. 1990. Getting the love you want: New York: Perennial. Hendrix, H & Hunt, L. 2003. Getting the love you want: work book. The new study guide. New York: Atria. Hepworth, DH & Larsen, JA. 1990. Direct social work practice. 3rd ed. Belmont: Wadsworth. Hunt, RA, Hof, L & DeMaria, R. 1998. Marriage enrichment: preparation, mentoring and outreach. Philadelphia: Brunner. Ivey, AE & Simek-Downing, L. 1980. Counselling and psychotherapy: skills, theories and practice. New Jersey: Prentice-Hall. Jones, E. 1993. Family systems therapy: development in the Milansystemic therapies. United Kingdom: Biddles. Keech, R. 1984. Education for living: a programme for developing selfknowledge and personal relationships. Johannesburg: Divaris Stein. Keech, R. 1993. Better marriage better life. Halfway House: Southern. Kohn, A. 1988. Girl talk: guy talk. Psychology today. February, pp 6566. Lauer, RH & Lauer, JC. 1994. Marriage and family: the quest for intimacy. 2nd ed. Dubuque: Wm C Brown Communications. Levinson, DJ, Darrow, CN, Klein, EB, Levinson, MH & McKee, B. 1978. The seasons of a man's life. New York: Alfred A Knopf. Louw, DA. 1998. Human development. 2nd ed. Pretoria: Kagiso. Meyer, W, Moore, C & Viljoen, H. 1993. Personality theories: from Freud to Frankl. Isando: Lexicon. Meyer,W, Moore,C & Viljoen, H. 2003. Personology: from individual to ecosystem. 3rd ed. Sandown: Heinemann. Miller, BC. 1976. A multivariate developmental model of marital satisfaction. Journal of marriage and the family. 38:64358. Muller, AM. 2002. Marriage guidance: only study guide for MGG201W. Pretoria: University of South Africa.

230 Nelson-Jones, R. 1993. Practical counselling and helping-skills: how to use the lifeskills counselling model. London: Cassell. O'Leary, CJ. 1989. The person centred approach and family therapy: a dialogue between two traditions. Person-centred review. Vol 4 No 3:308323. Petty, A. 1986. Marital therapy: six case studies. Honours dissertation. University of Natal, Durban. Petty, A. 2002. Adapting a western model of filial therapy to a locally specific form through a participatory process with kinship carers. Master's dissertation. University of Natal, Durban. Reber, AS & Reber, E. 2001. The Penguin dictionary of psychology. 3rd ed. Suffolk: Penguin. Retief, Y. 1999. Joy comes in the morning. Cape Town: Struik. Schenk, CJ. 2002. Case work: working with families. Only study guide for SCK 401A. Pretoria: University of South Africa. Sharpe, SA. 2000. The ways we love: a developmental approach to treating couples. New York: Guilford. Snyder, M. 1989. The relationship enhancement model of couple therapy: an integration of Rogers and Bateson. Person-centred review. Vol 4. (3):35883. Spanier, GB. 1976. Measuring dyadic adjustment: new scales for addressing the quality of marriage and similar dyads. Journal of marriage and the family, 38, 1528. Specht, H. 1990. Social work and the popular psychotherapies. Social service review. Vol 64 (30):345357. Sperry, L & Carlson, J. 1991. Marital therapy: integrating theory and technique. Denver: Love. Spies, GM. 2000. Marriage guidance and counselling. Only study guide for MGG 201W. Pretoria, University of South Africa. Stuart, RB. 1980. Helping couples change: a social learning approach to marital therapy. New York: Guilford. Tomm, K. 1984. One perspective of the Milan systemic approach: an overview of development theory and practice, part one. Journal of marital and family therapy. No. 2. pp 117121. Van Biljon, R. 1998. Manual for practical work: casework: MWK202 (MPA200M) Pretoria: University of South Africa. Wallerstein, J. 1995. The good marriage: how and why love lasts. New York: Houghton Mifflin. Weiss, RL & Perry, BA. 1979. Assessment and treatment of marital dysfunction. Eugene: Oregon Marital Studies Program. Young, M & Long, L. 1998. Counselling and therapy for couples. Pacific Grove: Brooks/Cole.

Government publications
Matrimonial Property Act 129; 88 of 1984, as amended. Pretoria: Government Printer.

1B MGG201-W 98059386 2B MGG201-W 98059386 3B MGG201-W 98059386 4B MGG201-W 98059386 5B MGG201-W 98059386 6B MGG201-W 98059386 7B MGG201-W 98059386 8B MGG201-W 98059386 9B MGG201-W 98059386 10B MGG201-W 98059386 11B MGG201-W 98059386 12B MGG201-W 98059386 13B MGG201-W 98059386 14B MGG201-W 98059386 15B MGG201-W 98059386 16B MGG201-W 98059386 17B MGG201-W 98059386 18B MGG201-W 98059386 19B MGG201-W 98059386 20B MGG201-W 98059386 21B MGG201-W 98059386 22B MGG201-W 98059386 23B MGG201-W 98059386 24B MGG201-W 98059386 25B MGG201-W 98059386 26B MGG201-W 98059386 27B MGG201-W 98059386 28B MGG201-W 98059386 29B MGG201-W 98059386 30B MGG201-W 98059386 31B MGG201-W 98059386 32B MGG201-W 98059386