David Lodge

HOTEL DES BOOBS

Hotel des Pins said Harry More like Hotel des Boobs Come away from that window, said Brenda Sto behaving like a Pee ing !om" #hat dyo$ mean, a Pee ing !om said Harry %ontin$ing to stare down at the ool area thro$gh the slats of their bedroom sh$tters" & Pee ing !om is someone who interferes with someone elses riva%y" !his is a rivate hotel" Hotel des !its" Hotel des Bristols" Hey, thats not bad' He t$rned his head to flash a grin a%ross the room" Hotel Bristols, in the l$ral, (eddit) *f Brenda got it, she wasnt im ressed" Harry res$med his wat%h" *m not interfering with anyones riva%y, he said" *f they dont want eo le to look at their tits, why dont they %over them $ ) #ell go and look, then" Dont ee " (o down to the ool and have a good look" Brenda dragged a %omb angrily thro$gh her hair" Hold an ins e%tion" Brenda snorted derisively" #hy not) +o$ve nothing to be ashamed of' He t$rned his head again to leer en%o$ragingly at her" +o$ve still got a fine air" !hanks very m$%h" *m s$re" Said Brenda" B$t * intend to kee them %overed as er $s$al" #hen in ,ome" said Harry" !his isnt ,ome, its the C-te d&.$r" C-te des !its" Said Harry" C-te des /no%kers" *f *d known yo$ were going to go on like this, said Brenda, *d never have %ome here" 0or years Harry and Brenda had taken family holidays every s$mmer in ($ernsey, where Brendas arents lived" B$t now that the %hildren were grown $ eno$gh to make their own arrangements, they had de%ided to have a %hange" Brenda had always wanted to see the So$th of 0ran%e, and they felt theyd earned the right to treat themselves for on%e" !hey were 1$ite %omfortably off, now that Brenda, a re%ent grad$ate of the 2 en 3niversity, had a f$ll4time 5ob as a tea%her" *t had %a$sed an agreeable stir in the managerial %anteen at Barnard Castings when Harry dro ed the name of their holiday destination in among the Benidorms and Palmas, the Costas of this and that, whose merits were being debated by his %olleag$es" !he 0ren%h ,iviera, Harry) +es, a little hotel near St" ,a hael, Brenda got the name o$t of a book" (oing $ in the world, arent we) #ell, it is ri%ey" B$t we tho$ght, well, why not be e6travagant, while were still yo$ng eno$gh to en5oy it" 7n5oy eyeing all those to less birds, yo$ mean" *s that right) said Harry, with an inno%en%e that was not entirely feigned" 2f %o$rse he knew in theory that in %ertain arts of the Mediterranean girls s$nbathed to less on the bea%h, and he had seen i%t$res of the henomenon in this se%retarys daily news a er, whi%h he fil%hed reg$larly for the sake of s$%h ill$strations" B$t the reality had been a sho%k" 8ot so m$%h the romis%$o$s, anonymo$s breastbaring of the bea%h, as the more intimate and so%ially %om le6 n$dity aro$nd the hotel ool" #hat made the ool different, and more dist$rbing was that the women who lay half4naked aro$nd its

David Lodge

erimeter all day were the same as those yo$ saw imma%$lately dressed for dinner in the evening, or nodded and smiled olitely at in the lobby, or e6%hanged small talk abo$t the weather with in the bar" &nd sin%e Brenda fo$nd the tree4shaded ool, a few miles inland, infinitely referable to the heat and glare and %rowdedness of the bea%h :not to mention the robable oll$tion of the sea;, it be%ame the rin%i al theatre of Harrys initiation into the new %ode of mammary manners" Harry < he didnt mind admitting it < had always had a thing abo$t womens breasts" Some men went for legs, or b$ms, b$t Harry had always been what the boys at Barnards %alled a tit4fan%ier" +o$ were weaned too early, Brenda $sed to say, a diagnosis that Harry a%%e ted with a %om la%ent grin" He always glan%ed, a sim le refle6 a%tion, at the b$st of any se6$ally interesting female that %ame within his $rview, and had s ent many idle moments s e%$lating abo$t the sha es that were %on%ealed beneath their sweaters, blo$ses and brassieres" *t was dis%on%erting, to say the least, to find this harmless astime rendered totally red$ndant $nder the Proven=al s$n" He had s%ar%ely beg$n to assess the fig$res of the women at the Hotel des Pins before they satisfied his %$riosity to the last ore" *ndeed, in most %ases, he saw them half4naked before he met them, as it were, so%ially" !he snooty 7nglishwoman, for instan%e, mother of twin boys and wife to the t$bby sto%kbroker never witho$t yesterdays 0inan%ial !imes in his hand and a sm$g smile on his fa%e" 2r the female artner of the (erman %o$ le who worshi ed the s$n with religio$s .eal, t$rning and anointing themselves a%%ording to a stri%t timetable and with the aid of a 1$art. alarm" 2r the dee ly tanned br$nette of a %ertain age whom Harry had rivately %hristened Carmen Miranda, be%a$se she s oke an eager and ra id S anish, or it might have been Port$g$ese, into the %ordless tele hone whi%h the waiter &ntoine bro$ght to her at fre1$ent intervals" Mrs" Snooty had hardly any breasts at all when she was lying down, 5$st boyish ads of what looked like m$s%le, ti ed with f$nny little t$rned4$ ni les that 1$ivered like the noses of two small rodents when side stood $ and moved abo$t" !he (erman ladys breasts were erfe%t %ones, smooth and firm as if t$rned on a lathe, and never seemed to %hange their sha e whatever ost$re she ado ted> whereas Carmen Mirandas were like two brown satin bags filled with a vis%o$s fl$id that ebbed and flowed a%ross her rib4%age in %ontin$al motion as she t$rned and twisted restlessly on her mattress, awaiting the ne6t hone %all from her absent lover" &nd this morning there were a air of teenage girls down by the ool whom Harry hadnt seen before, re%lining side by side, one in green bikini ants and the other in yellow, regarding their re%ently a%1$ired breasts, hemis heres smooth and flawless as 5elly mo$lds, with the 1$iet satisfa%tion of ho$sewives wat%hing s%ones rise" !here are two new%omers today, said Harry" 2r sho$ld * say, fo$r" &re yo$ %oming down) said Brenda, at the door" 2r are yo$ going to s end the morning eering thro$gh the sh$tters) *m %oming #heres my book) He looked aro$nd the room for his ?a%k Higgins a erba%k" +o$re not making m$%h rogress with it, are yo$), said Brenda sar%asti%ally" * think yo$ o$ght to move the bookmark every day, for a earan%es sake" & book was %ertainly basi% e1$i ment for dis%reet boob4wat%hing down by the ool@ something to eer over, or ro$nd, something to look $ from, as if distra%ted by a s$dden noise or movement, at the o ort$ne moment, 5$st as the bird a few yards away sli ed her %ost$me off her sho$lders, or rolled on to her ba%k" &nother essential item was a air of s$nglass, as dark as ossible, to %on%eal the re%ise dire%tion of ones ga.e" 0or there was, Harry reali.ed, a roto%ol involved in to lessness" 0or a man to stare at, or even let his eyes rest for a meas$rable s an of time $ on, a bared bosom, wo$ld be bad form, be%a$se it wo$ld violate the f$ndamental rin%i le $ on whi%h the whole ra%ti%e was based, namely, that there was nothing noteworthy abo$t it, that it was the most nat$ral, ne$tral thing in the world" :&ntoine was arti%$larly skilled in managing to serve his female %lients %old drinks, or take their orders for l$n%h, stoo ing low over their rone fig$res, witho$t seeming to noti%e their nakedness"; +et his rin%i le was belied by another, whi%h %onfined to lessness to the ool and its margins" &s soon as they moved on to the terra%e, or into the hotel itself, the women %overed their

David Lodge

$ er halves" Did bare tits gain and lose eroti% val$e in relation to arbitrary territorial .ones) Did the breast eagerly ga.ed $ on, fondled and n$..led by h$sband, or lover in the riva%y of the bedroom, be%ome an ob5e%t of indifferen%e, a mere anatomi%al rot$beran%e no more interesting than an elbow or knee%a , on the %on%rete rim of the swimming ool) 2bvio$sly not" !he idea was abs$rd" Harry had little do$bt that, like himself, all the men resent, in%l$ding &ntoine, derived %onsiderable leas$re and stim$lation from the to lessness of most of the women, and it was $nlikely that the women themselves were $naware of this fa%t" Perha s they fo$nd it e6%iting, Harry s e%$lated, to e6 ose themselves knowing that the men m$st not betray any sign of aro$sal> and their own menfolk might share, in a vi%ario$s, ro rietorial way in this e6%itement" 7s e%ially if ones own wife was better endowed than some of the others" !o inter%e t the admiring and envio$s gla%e of another man at yo$r wifes boobs, to think silently to yo$rself" +es, all right mate, yo$ %an look as long as its not too obvio$s, b$t only *m allowed to to$%hem, see) !hat might be very e6%iting" Lying beside Brenda at the oolside, di..y from the heat and the %onsideration of these $..les and arado6es, Harry was s$ddenly transfi6ed by an arrow of erverse desire@ to see his wife naked, and l$st after her, thro$gh the eyes of other men" He rolled over on to his stoma%h and $t his mo$th to Brendas ear" *f yo$ll take yo$r to off, he whis ered" *ll b$y yo$ that dress we saw in St" ,a hael" !he one for twelve h$ndred fran%s" !he a$thor had rea%hed this oint in his story, whi%h he was writing seated at an $mbrella4 shaded table on the terra%e overlooking the hotel ool, $sing a fo$ntain en and r$led fools%a , as was his wont, and having a%%$m$lated many %an%elled and rewritten ages, as was also his wont, when witho$t warning a owerf$l wind arose" *t made the ine trees in the hotel gro$nds shiver and hiss, raised wavelets on the s$rfa%e of the ool, kno%ked over several $mbrellas, and whirled the leaves of the a$thors man$s%ri t into the air" Some of these floated ba%k on to the terra%e, or the margins of the ool, or into the ool itself, b$t many were f$nneled with astonishing s eed high into the air, above the trees, by the hot breath of the wind" !he a$thor staggered to his feet and ga ed $nbelievingly at the leaves of fools%a rising higher and higher, like es%a ed kites, twisting and t$rning in the s$n, white against the a.$re sky" *t was like the visitation of some god or daemon, a Pente%ost in reverse, drawing woods away instead of im arting then" !he a$thor felt ra ed" !he female s$nbathers aro$nd the ool, as if similarly %ons%io$s, %overed their naked breasts as they stood and wat%hed the whirling leavers of a er re%ede into the distan%e" 0a%es were t$rned towards the a$thor, smiles of sym athy mi6ed with S%hadenfre$de" Bidden by the shar voi%e of their mother, the 7nglish twins s%$rried ro$nd the ools edge %olle%ting $ loose sheets, and bro$ght them with doggy eagerness ba%k to their owner" !he (erman, who had been in the ool at the time of the wind, %ame $ with two sodden ages, %overed with wee ing longhand, held between finger and th$mb, and laid them %aref$lly on the a$thors table to dry" Pierre, the waiter, resented another sheet on his tray" Cest le etit mistral, he said with a mo$e of %ommiseration" B$el dommage' !he a$thor thanked them me%hani%ally, his eyes still on the airborne ages, now mere s e%ks in the distan%e, sinking slowly down into the ine woods" &ro$nd the hotel the air was 1$ite still again" Slowly the g$ests ret$rned to their lo$ngers and mattresses" !he women dis%reetly $n%overed their bosoms, renewed the a li%ation of &mbre Solaire, and res$med the $rs$it of the erfe%t tan" Simon' ?as er' Said the 7nglishwoman, #hy dont yo$ go for a walk in the woods and see if yo$ %an find any more of the gentlemanCs a ers) 2h, no, said the a$thor $rgently" Please dont bother" *m s$re theyre miles away by now" &nd theyre really not im ortant" 8o bother, said the 7nglishwoman" !heyll en5oy it" Like a treas$re h$nt, said her h$sband" 2r rather, a er %hase" He %h$%kled at his own 5oke" !he boys trotted off obediently into the woods" !he a$thor retired to his room, to await the ret$rn of his wife, who had missed all the e6%itement, from St" ,a hael"

David Lodge

*ve bo$ght the most darling little dress, she anno$n%ed as she entered the room" Dont ask me how m$%h it %ost" !welve h$ndred fran%s) (ood (od, no" 8ot as m$%h as that" Seven h$ndred and fifty, a%t$ally" #hats the matter, yo$ look f$nny) #eve got to leave this hotel" He told her what had ha ened" * sho$ldnt worry, said his wife" !hose little brats robably wont find any more sheets" 2h yes they will" !heyll regard it as a %hallenge, like the D$ke of 7dinb$rgh &ward" !heyll %omb the ine woods for miles aro$nd" &nd if they find anything, theyre s$re to read it" !hey wo$ldnt $nderstand" !heir arents wo$ld" *magine Mrs" Snooty finding her ni les %om ared to the nose ti s of small rodents" !he a$thors wife s l$ttered with la$ghter" +o$ are a fool, she said" *t wasnt my fa$lt, he rotested" !he wind s rang o$t of nowhere" &n a%t of (od) Pre%isely" #ell, * dont s$ ose He a roved of that story" * %ant say * %ared m$%h for it myself" How was it going to end) !he a$thors wife knew the story retty well as far as he had got with it, be%a$se he had read it o$t to her in bed the revio$s night" Brenda a%%e ts the bribe to go to less" * dont think she wo$ld" #ell, she does" &nd Harry is leased as P$n%h" He feels that he and Brenda have finally liberated themselves, 5oined the so histi%ated set" He imagines himself telling the boys ba%k at Barnard Castings abo$t it, making them ribaldly envio$s" He gets s$%h a hard4on that he has to lie on his stoma%h all day" !$t, t$t' said his wife, How %r$de" He %ant wait to get to bed that night" B$t 5$st as theyre retiring, they se arate for some reason * havent worked o$t yet, and Harry goes $ to their room first" She doesnt %ome at on%e, so Harry gets ready for bed, lies down, and falls aslee " He wakes $ two ho$rs later and finds Brenda is still missing" He is alarmed and $ts on his dressing gown and sli ers to go in sear%h of her" ?$st at that moment, she %omes in" #here the hell have yo$ been) he says" She has a e%$liar look on her fa%e, goes to the fridge in their room and drinks a bottle of Perrier water before she tells him her story" She says that &ntoine inter%e ted her downstairs to resent her with a bo$1$et" *t seems that ea%h week all the male staff of the hotel take a vote on whi%h female g$est has sha eliest breasts, and Brenda has %ome ti of the oll" !he bo$1$et was a mark of their admiration and res e%t" She is distressed be%a$se she left it behind in &ntoines room" &ntoines room) +es, he had %oa6ed her into seeing his room, a little %halet in the woods, and gave her a drink, and one thing led to another, and she ended $ letting him make love to her" How im robable" 8ot ne%essarily" !aking off her bra in $bli% released some dormant streak of wantonness in Brenda that Harry had never seen before" She is rather dr$nk and 1$ite shameless" She ta$nts him with gra hi% testimony to &ntoines skill as a lover, and %om ares Harrys genital e1$i ment $nfavo$rably to the 0ren%hmans" #orse and worse, said the a$thors wife" &t that oint Harry hits her" 2h, ni%e' Eery ni%e"

David Lodge

Brenda half $ndresses and %rawls into bed" & %o$ le of ho$rs later, she wakes $ " Harry is standing by the window staring down at the em ty ool, a ghostly bl$e in the light of the moon" Brenda gets o$t of bed, %omes a%ross and to$%hes him gently on the arm" Come to bed, she says" *t wasnt tr$e, what * told yo$" He t$rns his fa%e slowly towards her" 8ot tr$e) 8o, she says, * made it $ , * went and sat in the %ar for two ho$rs with a bottle of wine, and * made it $ " #hy) He says" * dont know why, she says" !o tea%h yo$ a lesson, * s$ ose" B$t * sho$ldnt have" Come to bed" B$t Harry 5$st shakes his head and t$rns ba%k to stare o$t of the window" * never knew, he says, in a dead sort of voi%e, that yo$ %ared abo$t the si.e of my ri%k" B$t * dont, she says" * made it all $ " Harry shakes his head disbelievingly, ga.ing down at the bl$e, breastless margins of the ool" !hats how the story was going to end, with those words, Gthe bl$e, breastless margins of the ool"H &s he s oke these words, the a$thor was himself standing at the window, looking down at the hotel ool from whi%h all the g$ests had de arted to %hange for dinner" 2nly the solitary fig$re of Pierre moved among the $mbrellas and tables, %olle%ting bathing towels and tea4trays" Hmm, said the a$thors wife" Harrys fi6ation on womens breasts, yo$ see, said the a$thor, has been dis la%ed by an an6iety abo$t his own body from whi%h he will never be free" +es, * see that" *m not st$ id, yo$ know" !he a$thors wife %ame to the window and looked down" Poor Pierre, she said" He wo$ldnt dream of making a ass at me, or any of the other women" Hes obvio$sly gay" 0ort$nately, said the a$thor, * didnt get that far with my story before the wind s%attered it all over the %o$ntryside" B$t yo$d better get o$t the Mi%helin and find another hotel" * %ant stand the tho$ght of staying on here, on tenterhooks all the time in %ase one of the g$ests %omes ba%k from a walk in the woods with a %om romising ie%e of fi%tion in their aws" #hat an e6traordinary thing to ha en" +o$ know, said the a$thors wife" *ts really a better story" +es, said the a$thor, * think * shall write it" *ll %all it G!it for !atH" 8o, %all it GHotel des BoobsH, said the a$thors wife" G!heirs and yo$rs"H #hat abo$t yo$rs) ?$st leave them o$t of it, lease" M$%h later that night, when they were in bed and 5$st dro ing off to slee , the a$thors wife said@ +o$ dont really wish * wo$ld go to less, do yo$) 8o, of %o$rse not, said the a$thor" B$t he didnt so$nd entirely %onvin%ed, or %onvin%ing" :in Mal%olm Bradb$ry :ed;, Modern British Short Stories, Peng$in Books, London, 9IJJ, DAK4DDD;